


Nobody Loves Me Like You

by cuteandtwisted



Series: In Every Universe [13]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bakka!Isak, Body Shots, Childhood Friends, M/M, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, i'm using the slow burn tag for the first time ever but you guys know me, sexual tension galore, they're gross
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2019-01-06 01:31:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 185,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12201243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuteandtwisted/pseuds/cuteandtwisted
Summary: “I’m Isak's best friend,” said Even, almost glaring at Jakob.“Well, like best bud. Like we’ve known each other our whole lives,” Isak added nervously.But then Even downed his sixth or seventh drink and leaned across the table.“We might have known each other our whole lives, but I’d fuck you if you asked.”Or Isak and Even are childhood friends who enjoy ruining each other's chances with exactly everyone else, rewatching the same movies, taking care of each other, and pretending they're not in love.Aka yet another ChildhoodFriends!AU that literally nobody asked for.





	1. Blue is The Warmest Color (2013)

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Nobody Loves Me Like You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12251673) by [TGSantiaga](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TGSantiaga/pseuds/TGSantiaga)
  * Translation into 中文 available: [【授翻】Nobody Loves Me Like You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12870456) by [piupiupiupiu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/piupiupiupiu/pseuds/piupiupiupiu)



> hiii. i bingewatched a kdrama two weeks ago and this idea got born in my mind. i just HAD TO. I'm sorryy.  
> i will post the last chapter of hiwiwy soooon (i hear you <33) and iwdia is wrapping up soon too :((
> 
> enjoy

  **Now Playing: Hilary Duff - Wake up**

_There’s people talking_

_They talk about me_

_They know my name_

_They think they know everything_

_But they don’t know anything about me_

 

_Give me a dance floor_

_Give me a DJ-_

* * *

Isak groaned out loud before throwing the covers off of him and rolling out of his king bed to look for his phone.

“Fucking asshole,” he hissed under his breath, feeling disoriented and dizzy for a good three seconds.

_Where did I put my damn phone?_

It was under the bed which was stacked against the wall. It had probably fallen when he dozed off around two in the morning while browsing his camera roll looking for outrageous material to share on his instagram.  

Isak sighed then pushed the bedframe off the wall before shoving his arm between the two to reach for his phone. It hurt because he hadn’t pulled the bed far enough but it was worth it. Anything to stop whoever was singing from reaching the chorus.

“God!” he groaned again when he finally stopped his alarm.

He then sat up on the bed, ran a hand through his messy hair, and typed a furious text.

* * *

**Drittfyr**

**07:02**

You’re the fucking worst

Morning to you too

You changed my alarm again

Just wanted to make sure you woke up

You always sleep through your regular alarm

Who the hell is Hilary Duff

Are you serious?

Yes

I’m gonna stop responding now

Are you still mad at me?

Yes

It was a joke

Goodbye

* * *

Isak threw his phone away then lay back down on the bed for a second or two. He wasn’t used to waking up this early. His body needed a moment. He just needed to lie down for a moment.

He woke up to Hilary Duff bullying him into waking up again because he had hit the snooze button instead, and he sighed so loud that he might have awoken Edvard.

Isak needed new friends.

.

“Good morning, young Isak,” said Edvard, propped on his usual couch by the big window in the living room with a newspaper between his hands and coffee on the table beside him.

Isak wanted to say something about how he probably shouldn’t be drinking coffee, but Edvard was almost a century old and he was still healthy. He probably knew what he was doing.

“Good morning, Edvard,” said Isak, avoiding eye contact and feeling awkward as usual.

He was probably never going to get used to this living arrangement.

“You’re up very early today,” said Edvard, a kind and warm smile on his wrinkled face.

Edvard barely had any hair left, but he took good care of whatever was still on his head. It was always brushed and pushed back and it made him look like a businessman. A very very old businessman, but a businessman nonetheless. He was also always dressed nicely as if he were going on a date with a lady or on his way to an important meeting. He was taller than Isak but the way he slouched made him look shorter sometimes.

“It’s my first day of university,” said Isak, rushing to the kitchen to shove the almost finished bag of cereals he knew he had left in one of the cupboards in his backpack.

“Oh, how wonderful! So wonderful! I’m so envious,” said Edvard, folding the newspaper on the coffee table and getting up on his feet rather painfully. “We have to celebrate this occasion!”

“Oh, uh, it’s nothing special,” said Isak, stumbling behind him.

Edvard had trouble walking without his cane and Isak always felt the need to stay close just in case he tripped. It was ironic how he often ended up being the one tripping instead.

“It’s very special!” said Edvard. “Young Isak is starting university. This is very special. You need a good breakfast.”

Isak sighed and decided to let it go. He knew Edvard would insist and he figured he could have breakfast with him at least once. Isak always turned down his invitations then left the house feeling like the world’s biggest _asshole._ All Edvard wanted was some company, but Isak was too awkward and selfish to grant him his simple wish.

It was part of their arrangement after all, and despite his initial doubts, Edvard never brought up how Isak wasn’t fulfilling his part of the deal.

When he opened the cupboard Isak left most of his things in, there was a new cereal box on the bottom shelf.

“Your blue friend replenished,” said Edvard with a smile. “He was here last night when you went out for a walk.”

“Oh okay,” said Isak, feeling his cheeks heat up and a sense of shame crawling its way into his veins.

_That must be when he changed my fucking alarm._

“Coffee or tea?” said Edvard.

“Coffee,” said Isak, grabbing a coffee mug that said “best roommate ever” from the dishwasher. “And I’ll do it.”

Edvard almost swatted his hand away when Isak reached for the fancy Nespresso machine, but in an affectionate way, almost. The way grandmothers did when their grandchildren reached for the hot cookies before they had cooled down. Grandmothers on TV at least. Isak wouldn’t know about real life.

“I may be 89, but I can still pour you a cup of coffee, young one,” said Edvard with a smile that made Isak nearly blush in embarrassment.

.

Isak had been living with Edvard for maybe five weeks now, but it was still awkward. It was still very weird and he still had no idea how to act around him or how much conversation was considered enough.

He had found Edvard’s ad online after typing **‘need cheap place to stay in Oslo please i’m about to explode i can’t do this anymore’** on a drunken night and he had responded almost immediately.

.

**Edvard Albertsen. 89 years old. Single parent of the best cat in the world.**

**Needs roommate to keep him company and talk about ‘Skal vi danse’ from time to time.**

**No rent required. Just time and a good sense of humor.**

**Help cleaning and doing grocery shopping would be ideal.**

**No people working in finance, please.**

**Thank you very much.**

.

Isak wouldn’t have e-mailed him if he were sober. He would have maybe taken a screenshot and sent it to Mutta or Sana (not _him_ though. He was so _fucking_ mad at _him_ that night. But then again, Isak always seemed to be angry at him _)_. Inebriated Isak had different plans, however. Inebriated Isak always seemed to have different plans.

 

> **Hi Edvard. Cool ad. Loved the font and i wanna meet your cat even though cats hate me. My name is isak and i’m 19. I’m starting uni soon and i need to move out asap of my current place. can i crash?**
> 
> **Love the hat and love u.**
> 
> **Isak.**

**.**

Isak had honestly forgotten ever sending the e-mail until he got a response from Edvard asking if he was okay and if he needed help or assistance.

Isak thought it was sweet so he replied while hungover.

An elegantly dressed woman in her forties wearing the sweetest perfume welcomed him at the door two days later and went over the arrangement with him. She was Edvard’s youngest daughter and she explained to Isak that he could no longer take care of himself but that he refused to go to an elderly home.

One thing led to another and Isak ended up moving into Edvard’s house a week later much to his delight. Little did he know that Isak was an awkward turtle at best and that he would barely leave his master bedroom.

His bed. The kingsized bed was the best thing about this whole arrangement.

.

“I’m gonna go now,” said Isak, waving awkwardly. “Have a good day.”

“Have a good day, young Isak,” said Edvard.

Isak quickly ran out the door before Tequila gave him more scratches.

* * *

**Drittfyr**

**08:20**

Did you miss the bus?

I bet you missed the bus

I didn’t miss the bus

Still angry?

Yes

How are Edvard and Tequila?

* * *

“I’m Eva,” said a girl with beautiful auburn hair and a western accent whom he had previously seen on Sana’s instagram. “Not sure what I’m doing in uni yet.”

“Uh, Isak,” he replied nonchalantly before biting into the worst sandwich he had ever eaten. “Engineering.”

“Wow. What kind?” said Eva, pulling her chair closer to Isak’s.

“Why are you interrogating him?” said Sana, looking as unimpressed as ever.

They were in the campus cafeteria and Isak gathered that Sana’s entire group of friends was just as lost as he was.

“We could use a guy in our girl squad,” said Eva.

“It wouldn’t be a girl squad anymore if we added a guy,” said Noora, a beautiful girl with short blonde hair.

Isak wanted to reply with something just as snarky but he didn’t have the energy to do so. He had barely had any sleep and he hadn’t signed up for conversations with Sana’s friends from Nissen.

“I’m not interested in joining a girl squad anyways. Don’t worry. I won’t ruin your aesthetic,” said Isak while taking another bite. He couldn’t help it and the look on Noora’s face was worth it.

The two other girls, Vilde and Chris if Isak had remembered their names correctly, burst into laughter at his remark.

“Sana, I like him,” said Chris, sucking on a spoon while maintaining eye contact. _What the fuck._

“I told you he was a bitch,” Sana shrugged.

“Oh, piss off,” Isak groaned.

The truth was that Isak had absolutely no idea he would end up joining Sana of all people for lunch. But he was a little bit desperate and everyone seemed to magically fit in with a group of people. So when Sana offered on their way out of the class they shared, he feigned reluctance and followed close behind.

“So how do you two know each other?” said Eva.

“He’s friends with my brother,” Sana shrugged. “We’re not that close actually.”

“Oh please!” Isak rolled his eyes. “I was practically your biology partner. Remember all the times I saved your ass?”

“Oh you mean, when I saved _your_ ass?” Sana replied.

“Wait. You went to Nissen, too?” said Chris.

“Nah,” said Isak. “I went to Bakka. I just helped her with homework.”

* * *

**Drittfyr**

**12:18**

Lunch?

No

No you didn’t have lunch?

No i won’t have lunch with you

Ok

I see you made new friends

You’re watching me?

Someone’s gotta look out for you

I’m not a child

* * *

“Who’s Drittfyr?” said Vilde, her voice too high pitched for a Monday and for the first day of classes. Isak almost wanted to grab his backpack and run.

“Just someone,” Isak shrugged before locking his phone.

He wanted to add something about how rude it was to peep on someone’s texts but he refrained.

“Like an ex or something?” said Vilde, looking overly enthusiastic for someone he had literally just met.

“Something like that,” Isak shrugged, feeling slightly vain for holding a grudge for so long.

He then remembered that Sana was right there and that he had just called _him_ an ex. He almost felt like taking it back or explaining himself but what was the point.

“Let’s talk about other things. All anyone talks about in my house is Isak. I’m so sick of it,” said Sana.

“I heard there’s this really fucking hot guy a year above us who does the weirdest stuff on campus,” said Eva.

“Eva, you have a boyfriend,” Noora rolled her eyes, finally looking up from her copy of _‘Assholes: A Theory’_ by Aaron James.

“I’m not saying I want to hook up with him,” said Eva. “Besides, Jonas and I are not exclusive.”

“Yeah right,” said Noora.

“Anyways, we need to be in the know and meet the cool people here. We’re first year losers again,” Eva replied.

Isak yawned and unlocked his phone to browse instagram. And he grew frustrated when he realized that he had seen all those memes the night before. Nothing was entertaining enough and he couldn’t ignore the girls’ blabbering.

He really needed male friends. Talking about _boys_ with a bunch of girls was the last thing on his list today.

“His name is Even Bech Næsheim and he makes short movies and stuff,” said Eva. “He has a Vimeo channel or whatever hipster kids have.”

Isak’s neck probably snapped at the mention of Even’s name. _Yeah no._ And the only thing that made the whole exchange bearable was the frown between Sana’s perfect eyebrows.

“He’s so fucking hot! I saw pictures of him on one of his friends’ instagram. Yousef or something,” said Eva. “I think they all went to Bakka.”

“Can we talk about something else other than boys?” said Sana, suddenly looking irritated and _shy?_

Isak smirked to himself. The only times he had ever seen Sana’s face flush were all related to Yousef in one way or another.  

“You okay there, Sanasol?” Isak laughed.

“What about you, Isabell?” she bit right back. “What do you think about this Even guy? You went to Bakka after all.”

_Not fair._

“I think he’s a dick,” said Isak with a grin on his face, moving his legs so that he could fold them on the seat. “I also heard he can’t last in bed.”

“For real?!” said Eva.

Isak closed his eyes and sealed his lips then nodded dramatically.

“Heard he has a big dick though,” said Chris, still sucking on her spoon.

“God!” Sana groaned while Isak stood up as fast as he could with his hands covering his ears.

“Alright, that’s my cue,” he declared. “Let’s never do this again.”

.

The afternoon classes weren’t any less painful than the morning ones, but Isak enjoyed the freedom. He enjoyed the anonymity of it all. He enjoyed the _non-Bakka-ness_ of it all.

He was about to doze off when a shorter boy wearing a blue tracksuit approached him.

“Yo, bro can I borrow a pen?” said the darker boy.

“Uh, yeah sure,” said Isak, turning to the side to rummage through his bag. “Here.”  

“Thanks,” said the boy. “Uh, can I also have a piece of paper?”

Isak squinted his eyes then took him in. This guy didn’t seem to have a backpack.

“Forgot to carry my backpack. I’m Mahdi,” said the boy. “Nice to meet you.”

“Uh, Isak.”

Isak hoped he would get to spend the rest of the lecture in peace but Mahdi decided to sit next to him.

By the end of the class, Isak decided that he didn’t mind his company all that much.

“Which school did you go to?” said Mahdi on their way to the cafeteria, Isak struggling to remember the way back.

“Bakka,” said Isak. “What about you?”

“Nissen,” said Mahdi. “So you’re like a creative media hipster guy?”

“No, not at all,” said Isak.

“Why would you go to Bakka then?”

_To take care of him._

“Not everyone at Bakka is like that, you know,” Isak said instead.

“Anyways. Gotta introduce you to my bros! You seem lonely.”

Isak wasn’t lonely. Friends his age had decided to join the workforce instead of going to uni and he was avoiding his friends who didn’t.

“Sure,” said Isak, relieved when he finally spotted the cafeteria.

“By the way do you have kinky sex or something?” said Mahdi very nonchalantly.

“What the fuck?”

“You have scratches all over,” Mahdi laughed, referring to his bruised neck.

_Ugh. Fucking Tequila._

“It’s a cat,” said Isak.

“Kinky.”

“No! No. Like an actual cat,” said Isak, his face flushing for whatever reason. “A very vicious cat that’s probably possessed.”

“I don’t trust cats, man,” said Mahdi. “Why would you have a cat as a uni student?”

“Not mine,” said Isak.

And it was true. Tequila was Edvard’s cat and the primary reason he never left his room once he locked it. Isak remembered first meeting Tequila and waiting for Edvard to start laughing and reveal her real name.

“Her name is really Tequila,” Edvard smiled.

“Uh, why? If you don’t mind me asking,” said Isak.

“Because she’s fun and she keeps me company at night.”

Isak felt like writing down what he said sometimes.

* * *

**Drittfyr**

**17:12**

How was your first day?

Still mad at me?

Yes

Good

?

You’re just gonna get a little bit angrier then

??

I might have done something.

* * *

 

> **To: me**
> 
> **Dear Isak Valtersen,**
> 
> **Thank you for your interest in joining Studio 2121. Auditions will be held Wednesday night at 19:00. Please pick an available timeslot through the WhenIsGood link attached and specify which musical instrument you’ll be playing or if you’re auditioning for vocals.**
> 
> **We’re looking forward to watching you and hearing you perform.**
> 
> **Best regards,**
> 
> **Sigrid.**

* * *

**Drittfyr**

**18:19**

Are you fucking insane??

You can’t sign me up for random clubs

Ouch

Didn’t mean to say it like that!

All good

And it’s not a random club

Sigrid’s the president

Just give it a try

You might like it

I’m not going

Wednesday 19:00 in the main auditorium

I’ll be there

You better show up

* * *

Isak groaned in the middle of the bus and shoved his phone in his pocket. He was fuming. He then thought about why he was fuming. If Mutta had pulled this prank on him, he would have probably just brushed it off and not gone to the auditions. But this was _him._

Isak sighed then pulled out his phone and his headphones again. Listening to songs always calmed him down, always got his mind off of things. So he put on the cheesiest John Legend songs and leaned against his seat.

.

Isak was singing along and struggling to get the door to open when Edvard got it for him.

“Oh,” Isak gasped, immediately removing his headphones and feeling very self-conscious.

“You have a beautiful voice, young Isak,” said Edvard, stepping to the side to allow Isak to come in. “Welcome back.”

“Uh, thanks.”

For some reason that comment made him feel warm inside. Isak enjoyed singing when he felt a bit overwhelmed, and truthfully, even when he didn’t. It was a good outlet and he had a pretty solid fanbase even though he never meant to have one.

“How was your first day?” said Edvard.

“It was nice,” said Isak very awkwardly.

“Did you have dinner?”

“Uh, yes,” said Isak, now in the middle of the living room.

He was going to disappear into his room and let Edvard watch TV until it was time for him to go to bed.

Isak felt bad but he didn’t know what else he could offer.

“I have some work to do,” Isak lied.

“Go on, then.”

* * *

**Drittfyr**

21:23

Still mad?

Yes

Did you have dinner?

No

Kebab?

Ugh fine i’m starving

I’ll be there in 10 min

Wait outside

I wanna talk to Edvard

NO!

* * *

**Eva Mohn added you to Los Losers**

**Los Losers**

23:27

Eva: let’s welcome our newest recruit Isak!!

Vilde: yay hi Isak!

Chris: ayee ;)

Sana: -_-

Uh hey

Eva: party at my house this friday if you wanna come btw Isak

Eva: jonas will be there and i can introduce you guys

Thx for the invite

Eva: so anyways

Eva: that guy Even dyed his hair BLUE!

Chris: omg I saw him earlier on campus. SO HOT

what

Eva: he’s volunteering as a model for the photography class

Eva: LOOK BITCH

Vilde: wow

Noora: oh

Sana: wait What

200% photoshop

* * *

“What do you think?” said Even, holding both hands in the air and standing under the street light pole in front of Edvard’s house. He was wearing a black t-shirt and blue jeans. He looked nice, very nice.

“What the fuck?” said Isak, his eyes wide and his mouth nearly hanging open.

“It looks cool. Doesn’t it?” Even smiled. “Sigrid helped me dye it.”

“Even, what the hell?!” Isak groaned, taking a step forward and threading his fingers through Even’s hair, pulling at the ends. “Your hair is fucking blue!”

“I know,” Even grabbed both of Isak’s wrists. “What are you doing?”

“Is this real?” said Isak, still pulling at his hair even with Even’s fingers over his pulse. “It’s not like a temporary thing? I thought it was photoshop!”

“100% real,” said Even. “Edvard said it looks cool. I came over last night.”

Isak sighed then remembered Edvard’s comment about his “blue friend”.

“I’m supposed to be the child here. Not you!” Isak groaned.

“You don’t like it?” Even asked quietly. His eyes blue. His hair blue. His tone blue.

_Why am I so angry._

Isak was always so angry lately. Everything Even did made him angry. Everything Even said drove him mad.

_Why am I so angry with you all the time._

“No, it’s nice,” Isak eventually said, finally letting go of Even’s hair, his soles finally regaining the ground. He hadn’t noticed he had been on his tiptoes the entire time.

“You think?” Even smiled, not letting go of Isak’s wrists. “Sigrid and I spent so much time on it.”

Of course they had. Sigrid had once tried to do something about his hair, too.

“Let me guess,” Isak smiled. “You rewatched ‘Blue Is The Warmest Color’.”

“How did you know?” Even smiled right back, his thumb ghosting over Isak’s pulse ever so gently.

_Why am I always so angry when you’re not smiling at me._

“You rewatch it at least once every three months, so I guess it was only a matter of time,” said Isak, getting out of Even’s hold very gently, and stepping ahead of him.

“Fair point,” said Even, before catching up with him, walking backwards so that he was facing Isak. “I stopped trying to get you to rewatch it with me.”

“Yeah, not interested in watching two women eat each other out for 30 minutes a second time,” said Isak. “Not enough penis action. Once was enough.”

“God. You’re so gay!” said Even, laughing.

“The gayest,” Isak shoved him and smiled, then let Even pull him by the arm and throw his own over his shoulders.

“Let’s go lil' V,” said Even, wrapping his arm around Isak’s neck as if he was holding him in a headlock. “I’m gonna feed you well tonight.”

“Asshole,” Isak elbowed him in the ribs. “I told you not to call me that.”

“That’s what you get for telling people I don’t last in bed,” said Even, walking so fast that Isak was now breathing hard to keep up.

“News travel fast,” Isak shrugged despite the little tug at his heart. “Besides, that’s what Sonja said. I’m merely reporting facts.”

“I last very long in bed Isak Valtersen!” Even groaned, now properly holding him in a headlock, the tug at his heart getting almost painful.

_Right._

“Yeah, sure.”

.

By the time they sat down for Kebab, Isak forgot what he had been mad about, too busy glaring at anyone who looked at Even’s hair for too long.

“So how was your first day besides the ‘not hanging out with me’ part?”  said Even, apparently oblivious to everyone around him. “Still ashamed of me?”

“It was great. Met a bunch of people,” said Isak before taking a huge bite out of his kebab, sauce dripping everywhere.

“You’re a mess,” Even sighed, bringing his thumb and tissue to wipe Isak’s mouth.

“We’re not kids anymore,” Isak swatted his hand away, feeling a bit flustered. “I can do this myself.”

“Still mad at me. Noted,” said Even, going back to his own Kebab and leaving Isak’s personal space.

“I’m not mad.”

“You’re still insisting on keeping our relationship a secret though,” said Even.

“Friendship, Even! Friendship!”

“A friendship is a relationship, Isak. Minus the sex,” said Even.

Isak made dramatic gagging sounds and only stopped when he heard Even mutter a ‘come on!’.

“Please don’t ever talk about us hypothetically having sex ever again,” Isak said only half joking but Even didn't have to know.

“What the hell? I didn't!” Even scoffed.

_Switch topics. Now._

“Creep.” 

Isak watched Even’s face turn into something between feigned annoyance and fondness and he stuck out his tongue like a child because _why not._

“Heard back from that Jakob dude?” said Even while holding his gaze.

“You’re a dick!” Isak groaned, suddenly remembering why he was so angry.

“Why? I was just looking out for you,” Even shrugged.  

“You’re the absolute worst wingman ever! I’m never taking you out with me ever again.”

“I’m telling you. That guy gave me a bad vibe. I did you a favor,” said Even, speaking with his mouth full. “Heard he’s very clingy and insecure. You hate that. He would have probably tried to make you choose between him or me.”

“Not every guy is like that, Even!” Isak rolled his eyes.

“It happened twice already,” said Even. “Just saved you some time.”

_Asshole._

“You didn’t have to be such a dick!”

“But it was a joke,” said Even.

“Whatever.”

Even walked Isak back home then waited for him to go inside.

“I’m not a girl you just took out on a date,” Isak groaned. “Go away.”

“No. You’re a boy I just took out on a date,” said Even, smiling.

“God, I’m gonna throw up again,” said Isak, feigning gagging sounds, almost at the door now. “Do you practice your lines on me now? Is that what I’m being reduced to? Target practice?”

“You’re so dramatic,” Even rolled his eyes fondly.

“Yeah whatever,” said Isak. “Go now.”

“Not until you go inside,” said Even, crossing both arms over his chest.

“Why are you so annoying?” Isak rolled his eyes, a hand on the door knob.

“Go!” Even gestured with his head.

But just as Isak was about to open the door, a weird sense of giddiness took over his body. It was the end of summer and the start of a new year. He was a university student now. He could see Even every day now. He didn’t have to be miserable all by himself because Even and Mutta had graduated from Bakka and left him all alone now. He lived with Edvard for free, had daily fights with a cat named Tequila, and his best friend had blue hair. Life could be worse.

He couldn’t see the stars but he was sure they were out there shining for him. There was a nice breeze. But it wasn’t cold. It was almost comforting on his skin and through his loose white t-shirt. It was the perfect weather.

Even was wearing black and Isak was wearing white.

The sky was dark, dark, dark.

And Even’s hair was blue, blue, blue.

Isak locked eyes with Even and smiled.

_We’re not kids anymore._

But Even smiled right back and opened his arms big and wide.

_We’re not kids anymore._

Isak ran to him like a child and wrapped his arms around his back when he reached him, laughing when Even embraced right back, both arms around his neck, rocking them gently in the middle of the street.

“We haven’t hugged like this in years,” said Even, holding him tight.

“Yeah,” Isak mumbled, letting his cheek rest against Even’s neck.

“Congrats on surviving your first day as a uni student.”

“Whatever.”

They stayed there under the street light in front of Edvard’s house for a few more moments simply rocking in each other’s arms, and it wasn’t even the tiniest bit awkward. They had done this a million times. They stayed like that until Even spoke again.

“Can you change my contact name from ‘Drittfyr’ to something else now?”

“Alright. Hug time is over!” said Isak before leaving his arms.

.

“Mind if I sit?” said a boy with thick eyebrows, wild hair, and an acoustic guitar.

“Not at all,” said Isak.

He was at the auditorium and it was 19:00 on Wednesday.

“I’m Jonas,” said the boy with the guitar. “Nice to meet you.”

“I’m Isak,” he replied then watched him settle next to him. “I’m guessing you’re auditioning for guitar.”

“You’re very observant,” Jonas laughed. “What are you auditioning for?”

“Uh. Vocals,” said Isak, suddenly feeling very self-conscious.

“Nice,” said Jonas. “I’m guessing they’re placing us by alphabetical order.”

“Hm?”

“I just looked at the list. Our last names are close alphabetically,” said Jonas.

“Oh that’s weird.”

“Yeah. Kinda nice though,” Jonas smiled.  

Isak sat there awkwardly then pulled out his phone to check the time. It was past 19:00 and Even was nowhere to be found. _Great. Awesome. Sign me up for this crap then don’t show up. Whatever._

* * *

  **Drittfyr**

**19:24**

Your contact name just went back to being Drittfyr fyi

I’m here

Corner on the far right

Why are you hiding

Closed door auditions

* * *

Isak smiled to himself. _What a loser._

“What’s that guy trying to do?” said Jonas, pointing to Even who was now trying to discreetly go a few seats down.

Isak laughed because Even was so tall and so lanky and so awkward, and how could he think for even a second that he could get away with this?

“You know that guy?” said Jonas.

“Yeah,” Isak laughed.

“Who is he? Sick hair. Love it!”

“That’s Even,” said Isak.

“Even?”

Isak burst into laughter again because someone spotted his giraffe of a childhood friend and was now trying to get him to leave only for Even to not so gracefully jump to the next row of seats and try to run away.

“Yeah Even. He’s my best friend slash only fan,” said Isak.

_And we would die for each other._

. 

> _Flashback 1:_ **_The joke._ ** _19 and 21_
> 
> _Isak didn’t go on dating apps because he didn’t think they were authentic enough. He never knew what to expect until he was face to face with the person. And rather than the idea of being disappointed, the thought of actually disappointing someone when he finally met them in real life was what kept him away._
> 
> _So Isak went on the hunt at parties and bars and let the boys come to him._
> 
> _Isak was on a ‘date’ -- well, hardly, it was in the bar where he always ended up with Even and the guys -- with Jakob, a pretty boy who looked at him like he wanted to worship the freckles on his back, when Even decided it was time for the ‘Best Friend’ sign-off._
> 
> _“I’m his best friend,” said Even, sliding into their booth and almost glaring at Jakob._
> 
> _“Well, you know. Like best bud. Like we’ve known each other our whole lives,” Isak added nervously. He didn’t want Jakob to get freaked out._
> 
> _But then Even downed his sixth or seventh drink that night and leaned in across the table._
> 
> _“We might have known each other our whole lives, but I’d fuck you if you asked.”_
> 
> .
> 
> _“You’re a fucking asshole. Why would you say that?!” Isak yelled in the middle of the street._
> 
> _Even never replied, too busy throwing up against the wall._
> 
> _The next day, Isak woke up to two texts._
> 
> * * *
> 
>   ** _Giraffe_**
> 
> **_03:27_ **
> 
> _Because you liked him too much_
> 
> **_07:24_ **
> 
> _It was a bad joke. I’m sorry. I had too much to drink :(. Did you change my contact name already?_
> 
> * * *
> 
> _"Hey Siri. Change Even's contact name from 'Giraffe' to 'Drittfyr'."_

_._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: I'm walking away from this fandom  
> Also me: Here's a new verse  
> .  
> I love them too much <3  
> I never wrote non-nissen!Isak. So this is my first attempt at distancing myself from canon. In this verse, Isak basically never met Jonas, Eva, and Mahdi. He only knows Even, his friends, and Sana because she's Elias' sister.
> 
> .i already answered a few questions about this verse so here's what's to come  
> \- Even will be 200% dedicated to his craft: film and screenwriting  
> \- He will make Isak read (fake) lines from shitty scripts every chapter, secretly trying to get him to realize a thing or two.  
> \- He will also have a professional camera and he will make Isak pose in front of it to “test the lighting”, but guess what? it’s a lie.  
> \- There will be an instagram tagging war going on.  
> \- Even's hair is blue until he changes his mind  
> \- body shots
> 
> Hope you liked it and let me know if you did and would like to read more about these two <33  
> thank you for everything as always <333


	2. All I See Is You (2017)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak wants a boyfriend and Even lifts his chin when he's feeling down. Featuring Mutta, scripts, kebab, and instagram.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing childhood Friends AUs always kills me. 
> 
> Thank you for the lovely feedback to the first chapter <33  
> Enjoy <3

“No offense dude, but you kind of suck,” said Jonas, bringing the joint he had carefully rolled in front of Isak’s eyes to his mouth.

“Excuse me?” Isak scoffed, folding one of his legs and holding onto his knee. “Way to start a friendship!”

Jonas laughed, leaning back against his couch before handing the joint to Isak. His laugh was genuine and full of heart, and Isak couldn’t help but smile to himself.

“I brought you to my house and I’m giving you weed. What more do you want?” said Jonas.

Isak laughed, too, lingering a bit when he brushed his fingers against Jonas’, his heart racing a bit. Just a bit.

“I don’t typically get along with people who say I’m shit at singing,” said Isak, taking a long drag of smoke, longer than he usually went for.

_Kinda wanna be high for this._

“Bro, you didn’t even sing. You just belted some rap verses up there,” said Jonas. “Very ballsy and entertaining. I’ll give you that.”

“I didn’t sign up for the audition thing. Someone made me do it,” Isak shrugged, passing the joint back.

“Blue haired dude?” Jonas raised an eyebrow and brushed his fingers against Isak’s to grab the joint.

“Yeah,” Isak nodded. “Just wanted to embarrass him with his friends. They’re in the club, too. Apparently he told them I’m a musical genius.”

Jonas clutched his stomach and broke into a hysterical fit of laughter, nearly falling over. It made Isak’s chest fill with pride. _I did that._

“I like you already,” said Jonas. “When you went up there and started rapping some Lil Wayne, I thought ‘Damn that guy is chill. Wanna smoke with that guy’.”

“Appreciate it coming from a fellow chill guy,” Isak smiled, hoping his cheeks weren’t as red as they felt.

Jonas had ambushed him as soon as he left the stage after pulling his little stunt. And Isak had been so busy looking for Even in the auditorium that he hadn’t noticed just how green Jonas’ eyes were. _Well._

_“Yo, wanna chill after this?” Jonas had said._

_“What kind of chill?”_

_“I have some green at home.”_

And here they were. Isak blushing on his couch while Jonas talked about this weird guy in one of his classes who wanted to touch his hair earlier during the day.

_Kinda wanna touch your hair, too._

Isak was about to say something stupid when his phone started ringing.

**_Incoming Call: Drittfyr._ **

Isak rolled his eyes and groaned. Sometimes he wondered if Even had a camera following him around that helped him determine the best cockblocking moment. His ability to always ruin things for Isak was almost impressive.

“You’re not gonna get that?” said Jonas.

“Nah,” Isak shrugged. “It’s just Even.”

“You don’t pick up your friends’ calls?” said Jonas. And he probably didn’t mean to sound judgy but Isak still felt judged at that moment. He also felt kind of bad.

.

“What?” Isak breathed into the phone, slightly annoyed, slightly frowning.

“What? That’s how you greet me on the phone now? What?” said Even.

“You saw me like thirty minutes ago,” said Isak, turning to the side away from Jonas for whatever reason.

“You ditched me!” said Even. “You ruined your audition on purpose and ditched me and you left with some dude with a guitar and cool eyebrows. Who is he?”

“I’ll tell you later,” said Isak, feeling his cheeks heat up.

“Oh! Ohh!” Even squealed. “You like him!”

“Shut up,” Isak groaned. “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Where are you? Outside?”

“No,” said Isak.

“Isak. Don’t tell me you’re at his place,” said Even.

“I’m gonna hang up now.”

“Isak, what did I tell you about following strangers home?”

“Bye.”

Isak hung up, his palms damp, his face flushed, his heart racing. _Fucking Even._

“You okay?” said Jonas. “Do you have to go?”

“Nah,” said Isak. “I can stick around.”

“Cool!” said Jonas, now getting up from the couch. “Eva’s coming in a few. I think you’ll like her.”

Isak’s brain started spiraling the moment Jonas mentioned the name Eva. It could have meant many things, really. Eva could have been his sister or his roommate or his friend. Eva could have been anyone. But the way Jonas’ lips curled into a fond smile when he said her name told another story.

Eva couldn’t be his sister or his roommate or his friend. No way. Isak also had a person who made his lips curl into that smile when he said his name. She couldn’t be his _friend._

“Eva?” said Isak.

“Yeah, my girlfriend,” said Jonas. “She’s chill.”

Isak was used to this by now. Getting his hopes up whenever a cute boy breathed in his direction and was somewhat nice to him only to feel crushed when he found out it was nothing but bro-ship. Isak was used to this, but it still stung. It still burned a bit.

.

“What are you doing here, new recruit?” Eva squealed the moment she saw him.

_Great._

_“Jonas will be there. I can introduce you guys.”_

Isak felt stupid for not connecting the dots. Eva had talked about her boyfriend Jonas after all. He could have at least suspected it was that same Jonas. _Anyways._

“I’m gonna head out, guys,” said Isak after having one beer with both of them. He didn’t want to seem transparent.

“Already? Stay for another one,” said Eva, her fingers buried deep in Jonas’ hair.

They looked good together and Isak was writhing with jealousy. He felt stupid because he had only known Jonas for a few hours and because he had no business being jealous.

“I have to meet someone,” said Isak, grabbing his backpack from where it lay on the floor.

“Ohh. A girl?” said Eva, her eyes sparkling.

Isak had absolutely no desire to _come out_ to them in such circumstances. He had just spent an hour lying around with her boyfriend whom he had just met after all. It was going to be too obvious. Sixteen year old Isak was probably going to be disappointed in him, but _whatever._

“Yeah,” he lied.

* * *

**Drittfyr**

**20:45**

Isak

I know it’s none of my business

But are you being safe?

I know you’re smart

But just

I put some condoms in your backpack

Innermost pocket

Just in case

**21:27**

I fucking hate this

I know you’re probably busy

But i just wanna know that u’re ok

**22:01**

Kebab

The one for happy times or sad times

Option 2

Isak what happened?

You ok?

Did he hurt you????

Shut up

Im fine

Just drag yourself here

On my way

* * *

“Why is your gaydar so broken? I don’t get it,” said Even, his fingers buried in his blue hair, as if he were the one who had just gotten crushed.

“Don’t put your fingers in your hair. You’re about to eat,” said Isak, readjusting himself on his stool in the kebab joint they typically ended up in when one of them didn’t feel too good.

“I’ll just use a fork like you,” Even shrugged.

“You always give me shit for doing that,” said Isak.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” Even smiled.

“And my gaydar is not broken,” Isak frowned, finally remembering his comment. “I just didn’t spend enough time with him. I don’t know. I got carried away. I’m dumb. Whatever.”

“Hey,” Even almost whispered, bringing his curled index finger to Isak’s chin, lifting it gently. “You’re not dumb. And him having a girlfriend doesn’t mean he’s not into boys, too.”

“Whatever,” Isak looked away, embarrassed by how much stuff like this still affected him. He had lost count of how many times Even had done this for him, lifted his chin when he couldn’t look him in the eyes.

“For what it’s worth, I’m personally glad it didn’t work out,” said Even.

“Why are you such a dick?” Isak groaned, finally slapping his hand away.

Even always comforted him when he got turned down or crushed, but he also always made sure to tell him that he was happy Isak ws still alone.

“I can’t share you,” said Even. “I already told you.”

“That’s fucked up. I’m not a thing you own for you to share me.”

“I know that. I’m not trying to objectify you. I’m just saying that _this_ will be hard if you get a boyfriend,” said Even, gesturing between the both of them when he got to the word ‘this’.

 _This._ Whatever _this_ was. Isak didn’t know half the time. But he knew that all of Even’s conquests ended up minding at some point.

“So you can get a girlfriend, but I can’t get a boyfriend?” said Isak. “Don’t you think that’s fucked up?”

“No. The reason you can’t have a boyfriend is because you’re too good for everyone,” said Even, beaming like the cheesy bastard he was.

Isak always thought he was immune to his _bullshit_ but he still blushed. His face still flushed every single time, much to Even’s delight.  

“I hate you,” Isak groaned when Even started laughing.

He frowned until Even’s fingers found his flushed cheeks and brushed against the skin there.

“You’re too pretty for your own good,” said Even. “You’re like a fucking flower.”

“Fuck off,” Isak shoved his hand away, his heart racing a bit. “I told you to stop touching me like that!”

“Like what?”

“Like we’re together or some shit,” said Isak, looking everywhere but at him, waiting for Even’s eyes to stop burning through his skin, waiting for the sting to go away, waiting, waiting, waiting.

_Stop doing this to me. Stop doing this to me. Stop doing this to me._

“Okay,” said Even, leaving his personal space altogether. “I’m sorry.”

They ate their kebab silently, the stinging never leaving Isak’s heart, the tightness never leaving his chest.

He hated it when this happened. When Even got too touchy and made him want to curl into himself and combust. When he brought back memories of times he thought he had left behind. When his skin started remembering how good Even’s touch felt. Isak hated it. _Don’t touch me like that._

.

“Are we good?” said Even when they reached Edvard’s house around midnight, the air chilly yet comforting around them.

“We’re good,” said Isak, doing his best to smile. His best for him.

His best for him, because Even looked remorseful and down and blue. Blue. Not the blue in his eyes that Isak loved so much. Not the blue in his hair that Isak was learning to love so much.

No. The blue that Isak hated and dreaded and never wanted to see ever again.

“Hey,” Isak reached for Even’s hand even if it wasn’t allowed, even when he had come up with the rule. “We’re good.”

“Promise?” said Even, his eyes big and and unsure and blue, so blue.

“I promise,” Isak smiled.

He wanted to hug him. He wanted to wrap his arms around his back and bring his heart to his own. He wanted to feel him and touch him and tell him that it was okay. That they were good and that they were okay. But he couldn’t. They had worked so hard to get back here. So he didn’t.

_I miss you._

“I miss making you breakfast every morning,” Even smiled, squeezing Isak’s fingers a little too tight.

“Edvard makes a killer breakfast, too,” Isak laughed.

“Aren’t you supposed to be the one cooking for him?”

“Not if he wants to live for another ten years, no,” said Isak.

“That’s so morbid,” Even laughed, making Isak raise his fist and bump it against the air in his head. _He’s laughing._

So Isak laughed, too.

“I still can’t believe you ditched me for an older man,” said Even.

“What can I say? Boys around our age don’t do it for me,” Isak teased.

“I’m two years older than you, Valtersen.”

“I need a man, Even. Not a boy.”

“Ouch,” Even laughed.

Isak laughed together with him, the tightness in his chest no longer there, the stinging in his heart no longer there. Just the two of them in the middle of the street laughing at the top of their lungs because it was what they did. What they had done since they were children. Since they met at ages six and eight. It was what they did.

“You didn’t move out because of me, did you?” said Even, suddenly intense and serious again, his voice suddenly blue again, still holding onto Isak’s hand.

“I didn’t move out because of you,” Isak lied.

“Promise?”

“I promise,” Isak lied again, feeling guilty and awful but confident that it was for the best.

“Mom misses you,” said Even.

“Tell her that I miss her, too.”

Isak ended up hugging him despite the rules and the _bullshit_ because Even looked like he needed it and because he needed it, too. So they hugged.

.

“You’re still awake?” said Isak when he walked into the house and found Edvard on his couch in front of the TV.

“Oh, young Isak. I didn’t pay attention to the time,” said Edvard, his face breaking into a smile.

“Do you need help going back to your room?” said Isak.

He knew Edvard didn’t have much energy late at night and Isak was too tired to act jaded.

“I would like that,” said Edvard.

Isak wrapped an arm around his back and lifted him off the couch to his feet with little effort. His time at the gym was paying off. Edvard leaned against him and let him lead him to him room, surprisingly quiet and yielding. He typically insisted that he didn’t need Isak’s help, but tonight he was tired.

“Everything okay?” said Isak when he helped him sit up at the edge of his bed.

“Everything is great,” said Edvard. “Thank you, Isak.”

“Anytime.”

.

Later on in his kingsized bed, Isak realized that Edvard simply couldn’t get up from the couch and that he waited for Isak to come home to help him to his room. His heart hurt a bit. His heart hurt a lot. He wondered what Edvard did before Isak moved in. He wondered what he would have done if Isak hadn’t come home tonight, if Jonas had been in fact interested in him and if he had stayed the night. Isak wondered.

Isak wondered what Edvard would have done tonight if Isak had never moved in, if Isak had just kept living with Even and his parents. Isak wondered.

.

 

> Flashback #2
> 
> _Moving out of Even’s house was one of the most painful experiences Isak had gone through, probably. Not painful because he was hurt, but painful because Even was. Even looked so hurt and so sad, and Isak couldn’t handle it when Even was hurt and sad._
> 
> _“Why are you leaving me?” said Even, probably unaware of just how heavy his words sounded in Isak’s ears._
> 
> I’m not leaving you. I’m never leaving you.
> 
> _“I can’t live in your parents’ house forever, Even,” said Isak._
> 
> _And it was partially true. He had moved in after his dad left them and Marianne had to get professional help away from home._
> 
> _Isak had been so crushed at the time and frankly he didn’t know what he would have done if it weren’t for Even and his family. He was so thankful for the friendship between Even’s mother and his own and for how they took him in without hesitating not even for a second._
> 
> _Isak spent most of his time with Even and his friends anyways and often ended up sleeping over at Even’s because he couldn’t handle his mother’s screaming. It worked out._
> 
> _It all worked out until it didn’t. Until Isak couldn’t bear living under the same roof as Even anymore. Until he just had to leave._
> 
> _“I can’t live without you,” said Even, the cheesy bastard. He probably had no idea what his stupid words were doing to Isak, probably._
> 
> _“Don’t be fucking ridiculous,” said Isak. “I’m not dying. I’m just moving to another house and it’s not even that far.”_
> 
> _“Still. You won’t be down the hall anymore,” said Even. “I can’t just sneak into your bed when I can’t sleep anymore.”_
> 
> Exactly.
> 
> _Even helped him move his things with a frown on his face. He was sad but it was what Isak wanted so he helped him._
> 
> _And Isak was going to miss the comfort of living in a house with people who had known him his whole life, in a house that always had food on the table, in a house he had called home for three years. But he had to move on. He had to start living his life. He had to start getting some sleep without his heart beating out of his chest because Even had crawled into his bed in the middle of the night and curled around his back, unaware of just how much Isak wanted to combust whenever they touched._
> 
> _Isak had to stop holding all of that in._
> 
> _“I like him” said Even after meeting Edvard, Tequila sitting on his lap where he propped himself on Isak’s kingsized bed. “I like him a lot.”_
> 
> _“I can’t even talk to him,” Isak sighed. “I don’t know what to say half the time.”_
> 
> _“Just be your lovely self,” said Even, cradling Tequila while she purred on his lap._
> 
> Ugh, bitch.
> 
> _Isak wasn’t jealous of a cat. No. He just hated how docile she became around Even when she did nothing but scratch and threaten him._
> 
> _“I’m not lovely,” Isak rolled his eyes._
> 
> _“Yes, you are. The loveliest.”_
> 
> _“Whatever.”_
> 
> _When Even left, Isak awkwardly wandered into the kitchen for some snacks and rolled his eyes when he saw just how much fruit Even had bought him._
> 
> _“Lovely gentleman,” said Edvard, propped on the kitchen table and startling Isak._
> 
> _“Oh, I didn’t see you there,” he said._
> 
> _“No worries,” Edvard smiled. “I really like your friend, Even.”_
> 
> I really like him, too.
> 
> _“He likes you a lot, too,” said Isak, turning around to rummage through the cupboards again to hide his flushed face._
> 
> _“Is he your lover?”_
> 
> _Isak was so startled that he pulled too hard at the box of cereals and got everything else around it to fall off the shelf. Shit._
> 
> _“What?” Isak almost yelped._
> 
> _“I may be old but I didn’t live under a rock. I know times have changed,” said Edvard._
> 
> _“Uh. I. No. He’s just. We’re friends. We’ve been friends since childhood,” Isak stuttered. “Uh. You have nothing to worry about.”_
> 
> _The words hurt to say. Isak didn’t know why he said them, somehow implying that him being gay was a concern for Edvard, as if it were a burden._
> 
> _“I’m not worried, Isak. You can be anything you want.”_
> 
> _“Uh, okay,” said Isak. “But no, he’s not my lover. We’re friends.”_
> 
> _“Tender friends,” said Edvard. “The most precious kind.”_
> 
> Tender friends.  

* * *

 

**Now**

**Drittfyr**

**01:25**

Are you gonna ignore me at school again tomorrow?

No

Are you finally revealing our friendship to the world? :O

I guess

UiO is gonna be SHOOK

Shut up

I did talk shit about you to some people

They might be surprised lol

Oh Sana’s friends

How did you know?

She told me

\--’

Anyways

It was only a matter of time

Can’t stay away from me for too long? :p

From Mutta*

Dick

:p

It’s almost 2 in the morning

Go to bed

Monitoring my sleeping habits again?

Shut up

I’m keeping up with my meds and stuff

Don’t worry

I’m not worried

You need to rest to handle me tomorrow

Kinky

Fuck off

* * *

Isak smiled at his phone like an idiot. He had missed the banter. And while the truth was that he did worry about Even a little bit, especially right after he dyed his hair blue, he trusted that he would reach out to him if things felt odd. He also trusted that he’d be able to tell himself.

Even was okay and Isak was okay and they were okay. They had to be.

.

Isak woke up with his phone battery at 28%. He had forgotten to charge it before going to bed, probably falling asleep while browsing instagram for memes again. _Ugh._

**Even Bech Næsheim tagged you in a photo**

“Fuck! Fuck!” Isak woke up shouting.

.

* * *

**Drittfyr**

**07:37**

You’re a dick!

Morning to you too

I reported you on instagram

For what?!

Bullying and harassment

This is why you can’t find a boyfriend

You’re too dramatic

Fuck you

* * *

When he left his room to get coffee, Edvard wasn’t on his usual couch and Isak couldn’t help but frown. He secretly always wished he wouldn’t find him there, but now that he wasn’t he couldn’t help but worry.

Isak quickly ate his cereals, got into his clothes, then headed towards the door. He turned on his heel the moment he reached threshold.

“Edvard? Is Everything okay?” Isak asked after knocking on his bedroom door.

“Isak?” He heard Edvard say from the other side of the door. “I’m alright. Just getting more sleep today. Don’t worry.”

He sounded a little bit tired but then who didn’t after waking up.

“Okay,” said Isak. “Uh, call me if you need anything.”

“Thank you, Isak.”

.

“You know Even Bech Næsheim?” Eva shouted the moment she spotted him walking down the hallway.

She was standing with Sana, Noora, Vilde, and Chris. The usual.

_Great._

“Uh, yeah,” Isak shrugged.

“Why didn’t you say anything when they were talking about his dick?” said Noora, a deep frown on her face. “Was it funny to you? Did you go and tell him that first year girls are raving about him?”

Isak rolled his eyes. “Nah, trust me. He knows. Besides, Sana didn’t tell you guys either, so.”

And with that, Isak walked away feeling like a badass lead with explosions setting off without him in one of those action movies that Mutta loved and that Even hated so much.

.

Isak smiled the moment he saw Mutta in the crowd by the cafeteria. He hadn’t seen him in weeks and it was mostly his fault.

“Muttaaaa!” Isak squealed, shoving people to get to him.

He was standing with Elias, Sonja, and Mikael, and they looked like they were having an important conversation. But Isak didn’t care.

He sneaked behind Mutta and wrapped his arms around his stomach.

“Then he says that my dog took a shit on the couch when I know for a fact that it was his dog. My dog never shits on the couch, you know. Myrcella would never do that. I trained her so well,” said Mutta, barely reacting to Isak snuggling up to him from behind.

“Bro, Isak is like on your back. You won’t even react?” said Elias, just in time for Isak to poke his head from under his arm and greet everyone.

“He knows I need attention and won’t give it to me,” said Isak, pouting. “What else is new?”

Mutta laughed then wrapped an arm around his neck, keeping him on a headlock.

“You’re in no position to be pissed,” said Mutta. “School started on Monday and you’re only talking to us now?”

“Sorry. Was trying to make friends my age before they found out I know the cool kids,” said Isak.

They laughed after Mutta let go of him, then Isak greeted everyone with a smile. Everyone but Mikael. He still couldn’t stand Mikael.

They were both considered the ‘babies’ of the group and Isak was quite competitive. He also always hated how Even seemed protective of Mikael as well. But _anyways._

“I can’t believe you’re in uni now. You’re a baby!” said Mutta.

“Shut up,” Isak groaned. “I can’t believe your roommate still hasn’t taught his dog not to shit on the couch.”

“I know!” said Mutta. “Exactly!”

Isak felt good having this again. He hadn’t really felt part of a group like this since Even’s last year at Bakka, although the boys had graduated a year before him. So Isak laughed from the bottom of his heart because he wasn’t alone anymore.

“Speaking of blue things, where’s your boyfriend, Isak?” said Elias.

“Fuck off!” Isak groaned.

This part he hadn’t missed. The teasing about how close Even and him were. Isak hadn’t missed it.

Alright, maybe just a little bit.

“I don’t know. We broke up, remember?” said Isak. Two could play this game.

“Yeah when you moved out and broke his heart,” said Elias. “How could I forget.”

“Ugh, shut up,” Isak rolled his eyes.

“Even has been so blue that he dyed his hair blue. Can you believe?”

“I’m leaving,” Isak groaned, flipped Elias off, then waved goodbye to the group. “Mutta, I love you. Good morning to you only.”

“What did I do?!” Sonja scoffed. “Why don’t I get a good morning?”

“You slept with Even,” said Elias, laughing.

“Fuck you, Elias,” Isak flipped him off again.

.

Isak enjoyed his classes. He hadn’t been so sure when he picked biochemical engineering at first, especially after hearing how tough the classes were, but he was enjoying the content so far. He loved his big nerdy books. He loved being challenged and being amongst people who shared the same academic interests he did.

Isak was so concentrated while taking notes that he didn’t notice a boy sliding in the chair next his. He was so concentrated that he didn’t notice how close he had pulled his chair.

“You must really like biology,” said the boy, chuckling.

Isak looked up with wide eyes and slightly parted lips, blinking at him. The boy was kind of hot and he didn’t look like a boy at all. He had facial hair and a well groomed beard. His eyes were a beautiful shade of blue. Not Even’s eyes kind of beautiful, but still beautiful. And most importantly, he was looking at Isak like he wanted to bend him over one of the tables.

“Uhm. Yeah, it’s okay so far,” Isak replied nervously, hoping his face wasn’t flushed.

“I’m Joakim,” said the boy, extending his right hand.

“Uh, Isak,” he replied, holding his hand to shake it.

“Isak? Cute name,” said Joakim, squeezing his fingers for a little too long and not letting go.

_I’m not imagining things. He’s flirting with me, right?_

“Not as cute as yours,” said Isak, giving him the answer he would give Even when he pulled similar cheesy crap on him.

“First year?” said Joakim, now smiling.

“Yeah. You?”

“Me too.”

_Is he gonna ask me to go to his place. Shit. Do I have stuff on me._

“Do you have plans tonight, Isak?” said Joakim, now leaning against the table on his elbow, still smiling at him.

“Oh, uh. I’m supposed to meet some friends but I could ditch if someone interesting gives me a good reason to,” said Isak, his heart beating fast despite his words.

“I’m not that interesting but I work at a bar not too far from campus and I would like it if you stopped by tonight,” said Joakim with a wink. “Bring your friends if you want.”

_Shit, he’s hot._

“I’ll think about it,” said Isak.

“Don’t think about it too hard,” said Joakim, his eyes darting to the front of Isak’s pants. “If you know what I mean.”

_This fucker._

“I’m gonna let you go back to your notes now,” he added before leaving the chair with another wink.

* * *

**Drittfyr**

13:19

Movie tonight

We're watching 'All I See Is You' came out in 2017

My place

Bring Tequila

The cat not the liquor

Can’t tonight

?

Busy

:p

????

Isak how do you do this?

What can I say

I got game

What’s his name?

Did you look him up?

Why do you trust people so easily

Shut up

I’m not a child

I know what i’m doing

What’s his name?

Why?

I might know him and he might be a dick

He’s a first year

You don’t know him

Name

You’re not my fucking boyfriend

And whose fault is that

Fuck you Even

We can do that later

Give me a name first

Ugh

Piss off

Joakim

Hm

Yeah i don’t know anyone with this name

You’re a dick

Where are you meeting?

None of your business

This possessiveness shit is getting very weird

I’m not possessive

I’m just looking out for you

I can look out for myself

I’m not a baby

Yes you are

A pretty baby who trusts every fucker who happens to have a penis

You’re an asshole and i hate you

* * *

“You okay, man?” said Magnus, Mahdi’s blonde friend. “You look like you wanna kill someone.”

“I’m fine!” Isak groaned, shoving his phone away in his pocket and ignoring the buzzing.

Even could go _fuck himself._

He was sitting with Mahdi, Magnus, and Jonas, who seemed to know every single person he had interacted with on his first day. They were having coffee at the cafeteria after lunch and Isak had been so excited and giddy before Even ruined it for him yet again.

“I heard you know the guy with the blue hair,” said Magnus. “He looks so cool. Does he get a lot of girls?”

“I don’t know,” Isak lied. “We’re not that close.”

_I don’t want to talk about it._

He then remembered that Jonas was right there and that he had told Jonas that Even was his best friend.

He glanced at him for a second or two and Jonas nodded as if to say _I got you._ Isak decided that he liked Jonas a lot right then and there. But then he felt stupid because they were going to find out they were close anyways.

And just as he was about to explain himself, two giant hands covered his eyes from behind, making him jolt in his seat.

“Guess who,” said Even.

“Bro, I don’t think you’re supposed to talk,” said Jonas. “Pretty sure he can tell who you are from your voice.”

“Right,” Even replied, chuckling. “You’re smart. I like you.”

He then removed his hands from Isak’s eyes and sat down on the chair next to him, turning to the side so that Isak’s knees were between his legs, while Magnus and Mahdi gaped at both of them.

“What’s up boys?” said Even, smiling that stupid smile of his that had everyone feeling stupid for him. “I’m Even.”

Isak sighed and brought a hand to his face.

“What?” said Even, resting both hands on Isak’s knees.

“I just told them that we’re not close enough,” Isak shrugged.

“You’re still keeping our relationship secret?” Even scoffed.

“Friendship, Even! It’s a fucking friendship!”

Mahdi eventually relaxed in Even’s company but Magnus kept gaping at him the entire time. Isak wondered if it was the hair. He also wondered how Even managed to become friends with everyone so fast. In just fifteen minutes he had made Mahdi and Jonas reveal so much about themselves than Isak had in days.

_Anyways._

“So you’ve known each other your whole lives?” said Mahdi.

“Yeah. I kind of raised him. Except for his manners. I don’t know where he got those,” Even laughed.

“Piss off,” Isak groaned again, shoving Even’s hand away where it patted his head. “Why are you even here?”

“You didn’t answer my question,” said Even, his legs squeezing the sides of his knees.

“What question?”

“Where are you meeting your date tonight,” said Even, his blue eyes on his.

_Yep. Not nearly as beautiful as Even’s eyes._

“I did answer your question. I said none of your business,” said Isak, going back to his coffee.

“Isak has a date tonight?” Magnus beamed. “Who is it?! Is she hot?!”

_She._

Even looked at him and Isak let him hold his gaze.

_Do they know?_

_No._

_Do you want them to know?_

_Not right now._

Sometimes they had conversations without words. Sometimes they let their eyes do the talking.

“Yeah, she’s hot,” said Even.

.

Isak texted Even the name of the bar later that afternoon and asked him to come with him for his peace of mind.

“You want me to give the best friend sign-off?” said Even.

“I’m not trying to marry him. I just want to fuck him,” said Isak, making Even gag.

“Too much fucking information, Isak!”

Isak laughed. Perhaps it was too much information but he didn’t want Even thinking that he was going to end up hurt if it didn’t work out with this guy. Isak didn’t want a boyfriend. He just wanted to stop feeling so sexually frustrated all the time.

“I’ll be there at the bar,” said Even. “And I won’t scare him away this time. I promise.”

.

Even was there with his blue hair and his blue eyes and his white t-shirt. Isak loved him in that white t-shirt and those dark jeans the most, and Even knew it. Even knew it was Isak’s favorite look. He had dressed up for him tonight. _Why._

Isak didn’t want to think about it so he pushed that thought aside.

“You look, uh, you look very pretty tonight,” said Even, stuttering a bit which was very unlike him.

“I don’t want to look pretty. I want to look hot,” said Isak, suddenly self-conscious. He was wearing a white t-shirt that showed off his collarbones, a gray hoodie, his favorite pair of jeans, and a red snapback.

“It’s not your fault you’re adorable,” said Even.

“Are you saying I’m not hot?” Isak glared at him just as Joakim materialized before him behind the bar counter.

_Showtime._

“I never said that,” said Even.

“Later,” Isak raised a hand and put it in his face. “We can talk about it later.”

Even’s eyes followed his and landed on Joakim behind the bar. He looked back at Isak and raised his eyebrows.

“That guy?”

“Yeah,” Isak nodded, feeling his cheeks heat up a bit.

“He has facial hair,” said Even. “And muscles.”

“I noticed.”

“That’s your type now? Manly men?” said Even.

“I don’t have a type,” said Isak. “Just want someone in my bed.”

_Too much information._

“You had someone in your bed,” said Even, holding his gaze, and stabbing him in the chest. “But then you moved out.”

_Oh._

Isak’s face fell. He couldn’t help it. He hated it when Even made things feel weird. He hated it when he didn’t know what he meant. He hated it when he brought the stinging back to his heart and the tightness back to his chest. He hated it.

“I’m sorry,” Even eventually blurted out, his gaze eventually softening. “You’re here to bang some guy and I’m making this about me. I’m sorry.”

Isak sighed then turned around to make his way to the bar.

_I shouldn’t have asked to come with me._

.

“Isak, buddy. Hi. You made it,” said Joakim, his smile polite and somewhat detached. Nothing like the shameless, flirty, and dirty smile he had flashed him earlier in the day.

“Uh, yeah. I thought I’d stop by,” Isak said very casually.

“I see you brought your friend,” said Joakim, probably referring to Even who was standing awkwardly behind Isak. “You didn’t ditch him. Nice.”

Isak chuckled while Even introduced himself.

“I’m Even,” he said with a smile, extending his hand to Joakim

_And he probably won’t let us bang._

“Oh, I know,” said Joakim with a smile. _That_ smile.

It took Isak a while to catch up, but he did. He wasn’t stupid. He had eyes and he had a functioning brain. And while he couldn’t read people very well, he could still see what was unfolding before him.

This Joakim guy knew Even was Isak’s friend before he had even introduced them. Even had been standing behind him, but nothing indicated that they were there together. Joakim knew Isak and Even were an item. He had to. He also knew who Even was and he was flashing _him_ that smile, not Isak.

_I want to go home._

“What can I get you?” said Joakim, leaning ever so slightly on the counter.

“We’ll have two belgian beers,” said Even with his blinding smile. _I hate you._

.

“He’s chill. I actually like him,” said Even when Joakim went to get their drinks. “Green light for you this time.”

_Are you fucking blind._

“I want to go home,” said Isak, his chest deflating, already expecting the blow. “Let’s just go home after this one.”

“What? Why?”

Isak was about to answer when Joakim came back with their glasses.  

“Boys. Your two belgian beers and a Blue Hawaii,” said Joakim.

“Thanks,” said Even, reaching for the beers.

“We never ordered a Blue Hawaii,” said Isak.

“It’s on the house,” said Joakim, smiling again.

Isak felt uncomfortable. He knew what this meant. He knew who the Blue Hawaii was for. It was for the blue-haired boy, not for him.

“Oh, uh thanks,” said Isak, awkwardly reaching for the drink.

“Uh, not you,” said Joakim. “It’s for the hot one. The one with lips.”

 _Oh._ Isak had expected the blow. But he never expected for it to be this painful. This cruel. This ugly. He simply didn’t.

“Fuck you and fuck your drinks, you hairy piece of shit,” said Even before storming off and dragging Isak away by the wrist.

.

“Eat,” said Even, pushing Isak’s kebab closer to him. They were at the joint for ‘sad days’.

“Not hungry,” said Isak, crossing both his arms over his chest.

“Hey,” Even breathed, his index finger rising before Isak’s eyes, probably to rest under his chin.

“I’m fine, Even. No need to comfort me and treat me like a baby. I’ll survive,” said Isak.

Even lifted his chin with both his index finger and his thumb tonight, and Isak truly felt like crying. Not because some douchebag made fun of his lips and only used him to get to Even as usual, but because Even was there, yet again. And it was so embarrassing.

“Isak, talk to me,” Even spoke with a voice so soft.

“I’m so fucking embarrassed,” said Isak, leaning against his touch because it was comforting and because it was right there

“Don’t be. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. He’s a fucking jackass,” said Even. “And you’re hot as fuck. And you have the prettiest lips in the whole fucking universe. That guy is blind if he thought I was anywhere close to how hot you are.”

“Shut up,” Isak laughed, actually laughed. Even was an idiot.

“I mean it. Don’t let fucking idiots with facial hair make you feel bad.”

“I don’t feel bad. I don’t give a shit,” said Isak. “People have different tastes. It’s okay.”

He then gently pushed Even’s hand away and grabbed his kebab. Perhaps Even would be less worried if he ate.

“Isak, it’s okay to feel like shit after someone hurts you.”

“Oh please! He didn’t _hurt_ me. I barely knew him,” said Isak. “I just wanted a good fuck.”

And _alright._ That was crude and he probably wouldn’t have said that if he weren’t feeling like absolute crap. But Even probably got that. He probably knew that.

“I would help you with that if you asked,” said Even, making Isak both bark out a laugh and wither inside at the same time.

“Again with this dumb joke!” Isak groaned, still smiling. “Do you want me to stop talking to you again?!”

But Even laughed. He laughed and he laughed. And Isak laughed, too, because his laugh made him stupid. Because when Even laughed, Isak always forgot why he wasn’t laughing, too.

“It made you laugh,” said Even, his thumb stroking Isak’s cheek. “It’s a good joke if it makes you laugh.”

_Don’t touch me like that._

Isak closed his eyes and leaned into Even’s touch. He wanted comfort tonight. All the comfort he could get, he would soak up.

“I’m sorry I ruined everything for you tonight,” said Even, his thumb still stroking his face while the rest of his fingers played with his hair.

“You didn’t ruin anything,” said Isak. “He wanted you from the start. He probably knew we were friends and targeted me to get close to you.”

Even stayed silent and just cradled Isak’s head. Isak who felt himself relax and unwind. _Fucking Tequila._ That was probably why she loved Even so much.

“Isak,” said Even. His voice low, so low. His fingers working magic.

“Hm?”

“I need you to stop hurting,” said Even. “I need you to stop falling for assholes and straight guys and hurting. Can you do that for me, baby?”

_Baby._

Even didn’t always call him that. But whenever he did, Isak was coincidentally always hurting. It was the ‘Isak is hurting’ word. And it comforted him. It did. It also made him want to combust into a million tiny pieces. But it kept him warm. It made him feel important. _As long as I have you._

“Why?”

Stupid question but Isak didn’t know what else to say.

“Because when you’re hurting I’m hurting. And I hate it when I’m hurting,” said Even.

“I’m not hurting,” said Isak.

“Then why am I hurting?” Even smiled.

“I don’t know. Cause you’re a weirdo? Has that occurred to you?” Isak chuckled.

They both laughed, finished their kebab, then walked home.

_For you, I’ll try. For you, I won’t hurt anymore._

.

“Why are we doing this again?” said Mutta, rolling his eyes as soon as Even handed both of them “the script”.

“I’m in a screenwriting class and I need people to help me with the script readings,” said Even, settling into the couch by the window while Mutta and Isak shared the big one.

“Uh, so who exactly wrote this shit?” said Isak. “You?”

“Uh, no. We got an exercise to improve existing random scripts,” said Even.

“Then why are you making us read this if you already know it’s terrible and needs improving?” said Mutta.

“If you read it then I’ll be able to tell what exactly needs change. You know,” said Even.

Isak knew he was _full of shit_ when he skimmed the second page.

“I’m going home and you’re an asshole,” said Isak.

“Jesus, just sit down,” said Even. “Just one time.”

“I know what you’re doing,” said Isak.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Even shrugged.

“Okay, so I’m a bartender and Isak is a random guy and I’m hitting on him?” said Mutta.

“Yes,” Even smiled.

“Why does Isak get to keep his name in the script?”

.

 _“Isak. You are the hottest guy on the planet and your lips are the best lips ever. I want to kiss them all the time if you allow me the pleasure,”_ Mutta recited very robotically. “This is so cringe. Who wrote this crap?”

“ _I already know that I’m hot and that my lips are the best. But thanks. Not interested in hairy douchebags though,_ ” Isak recited while rolling his eyes. “Really, Even?”

“What?” Even laughed.

“You’re the worst.”

“See, even Mutta thinks you’re hot and that your lips are the best,” said Even, standing up from his couch to get closer to them.

“Wait what the hell?” said Mutta. “I never said that.”

“You’re so dumb,” Isak groaned, unable of keeping his lips from curling into the dumbest smile.

Mutta left right after that because he didn’t want to be manipulated by a ‘blue haired asshole anymore’ and Isak stayed for Even’s mother’s pasta.

“I’ll walk you home,” said Even when he was done.

“That’s stupid,” said Isak. “Why would you walk me home? You’re home already and we have to get ready for Eva’s party later.”

“Because I want to,” said Even. “Because I want to walk with you.”

.

“You know you’re gonna have to stop being so nice to me,” said Isak as they walked side by side on the pavement while the sun set around them.

“Why?”

“Because I might start catching feelings,” said Isak. “I’m warning you.”

“Feelings? For me?” said Even, pointing to himself with his index finger.

“Yeah, you.”

“I can think of a couple worse things that happened to me,” Even smiled.

“You’re a dick,” Isak laughed, shoving him off the pavement.

“I thought you said I was too nice to you.”

“I meant nice to me like a boyfriend, like feeding me kebab when I’m feeling like shit and telling me I’m hot,” said Isak, feeling his cheeks heat up. “You need to stop treating me like you’re my boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend.”

“Yeah. You’re not my boyfriend,” said Isak, speeding his pace to get home quicker. He already regretted his decision of bringing this up.

“And whose fault is that?” said Even, smiling again.

_I hate you. It’s not a joke to me._

“Keep this up and you’ll see,” Isak said instead.

“Oh, I can’t wait for you to fall for me. Trust me,” said Even.

“You’re the actual worst,” said Isak. “And don’t worry. I was just joking. I won’t fall for you.”

“And why is that?” Even grinned.

“You said it yourself.”

“Hm?”

“I’m not stupid enough to fall for a straight guy,” said Isak with his heart in his throat. _Straight guy._

“Straight guy,” Even repeated.

They were in front of Edvard’s house and he hadn’t even noticed.

“Yeah, straight guy,” said Isak.  

Even stared at him for almost a minute, neither of them speaking a word, and it hurt. The stinging pain in his heart was back. The tightness in his chest was back.

_How can I stop hurting when you’re not saying shit._

“Your gaydar,” Even finally spoke, both hands in his back pockets, stepping closer to Isak.

“What about it?” said Isak.

Even leaned in ever so slowly, making his heart nearly jolt out of his chest, both hands still in his own back pockets. _He would never kiss me without using his hands._

And he didn’t. Even whispered in his ear instead.

“Your gaydar is fucking broken.”

_._

> _Flashback #3_
> 
> _"Sometimes when he’s hypomanic, he kisses boys. So_ _metimes when I’m lucky, I’m one of those boys."_  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this is very tricky because they already know each other and their dynamic is already kind of set, but spoiler: it's changing. We're going to slowly unfold everything that ever happened between them in the past but one thing at a time. 
> 
> Next chapter reveals why Isak and Even have been so tender with each other since childhood, and has more boysquad, more Edvard, more kebab, more tension, and more cuddles.  
> .  
> Someone asked me if I'm still writing because I actually enjoy it or if it's just because I don't want to disappoint you guys and I feel like it's an obligation. I do enjoy it, perhaps not as much as before because of toxicity that some people spread in this fandom. But I enjoy it and I love these boys and I wouldn't write if I didn't.
> 
> Thank you for reading i love youuu. And as usual leave a comment if you liked it or felt something and want to read more about these two.
> 
> PS: Have you ever felt like you're in someone's shadow? Like people always pick that person over you when they don't even try and when all you ever do is try? Have you ever felt like you weren't good enough but couldn't even blame the other person because you actually love them? xx


	3. My Sister's Keeper (2009)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak has a gaydar check. Featuring all the squads, matchmaker!Isak, Even, Even, Even, a funeral, and feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hii. long time no update!! I've been incredibly busy lately, sorryyy. hope you enjoy this 'low quality' update  
> love love love <3  
> i will update iwdia this weekend. thank you for the LOVE.
> 
> PS: every chapter title is a movie title

_“Your gaydar is fucking broken.”_

Sometimes, when Isak parted with Even after spending an evening or an afternoon together, he couldn't breathe for a little while.

It didn’t always happen, but it happened fairly often. Maybe too often for Isak’s liking. He would say goodnight, or goodbye, or see you later, and he’d walk until he was alone in his room or wherever he was headed. Then his heart would race and hurt, and he wouldn’t be able to breathe for a little while. Because Even did that to him, sometimes. Because Even would say something, or do something, and literally take his breath away, sometimes. Isak would then either smile like an idiot until his giggles filled up the room, or he would hug himself until he could breathe again and no longer felt like throwing something against the wall. Even did that to him, sometimes.

Isak knew he didn’t do it on purpose. He knew that Even wouldn’t do it if he knew just how much it affected him and killed him on the inside. He knew that all Even ever wanted to do was help him breathe. So Isak could never tell him. He could never admit to it.

_You kill me, sometimes. But just a little bit._

.

Tonight was one of those nights. Isak couldn’t breathe tonight. He didn’t exactly feel like breaking anything, but he didn’t feel like smiling either.

_“Your gaydar is fucking broken.”_

_What the hell do you mean._ Isak wondered, almost enraged. Because he couldn’t really keep guessing anymore. He couldn’t afford to. He felt too crushed half the time, and the rest of the time he just pretended that he never felt anything for him. That nothing ever happened between them. That they were ordinary best friends.

_‘We’re anything but ordinary.’_

Isak had once told him that he was the master of lying over joints on Even’s bedroom floor, and Even had made fun of him. But it was true. It had to be true. Because Isak was a such a good liar that he blew his own mind. He was so good that sometimes, he convinced himself that he didn’t want more than friendship, that he didn’t want more than lingering touches in a crappy kebab joint that he purposefully picked when he was sad because it had high stools that were placed too close together, and he knew Even couldn’t help but touch his face and press his leg against his knee when they were this close.

Isak was so good that sometimes, he convinced himself that he didn’t want more than ‘It’s Friday’, that he didn’t want more soft and tender touches against his cheek, more cheesy poems about his lips and his hair, more ‘Baby’ and ‘I can’t share you’, and more skin. Just skin.

Isak didn’t do this anymore. Isak had Fridays now and they were enough. Isak was no longer sixteen and in love with the one person he couldn’t have.

Sixteen year old Isak drank too much and hated himself a little bit too much. Sixteen year old Isak leaned against Even the moment his blue eyes and beautiful fucking smile found him in the crowd, the moment his giant hands found his waist, or his forearm, or his face, or anything at all. Sixteen year old Isak leaned against Even almost instantly, curling against him and melting into him, as if his body couldn’t do much but mold into his. Sixteen year old Isak leaned against him and touched his skin whenever he let him and wondered what it felt like to be touched by him the way he craved to be touched by him, only him. Sixteen year old Isak wondered, and wondered, and wondered. Then when the words reached his tongue which knew nothing but alcohol and longing for a skin he couldn’t taste, Even always cut him off by shaking his head or looking away or walking away, breaking him when he was his regular self, or by pressing their lips together when he was feeling larger than life.

Isak hated sixteen year old Isak. But at least, his younger self didn’t lie to himself. At least, his younger self allowed himself to want what he wanted, not just on Fridays.

_Pull yourself together. Jesus._

Isak sat up on his bed and breathed through his nose, feeling silly and a little bit dizzy. His thoughts made no sense and sounded foreign to his own ears. He couldn’t even claim them. They couldn’t possibly be his.

He was no longer in love with Even. It was a thing of the past. The clichéd coming of age story of every gay teen ever: _sad self-loathing piece of shit falls in love with the straight best friend and realizes he likes dick._

Isak never thought of himself as a cliché, but he was. He was the epitome of the gay teenager, armed with the most banal sob story, a ‘crazy’ mother, an absent father, a straight best friend who shined brighter than the damn sun, and no self-esteem whatsoever. He was every average writer’s wet dream. He was a character, a cliché. And the thing about clichéd gay boys was that they never got the golden boy, the straight boy, the man of their dreams. There was a twist though. Isak did get kisses sometimes from the man of his dreams, but they were all fake and empty and meaningless. The man of his dreams was sick and the kissing was a symptom. So Isak stopped. They both stopped.

Isak was no longer in love with Even. And Even no longer kissed him when he was hypomanic.

They were good. They were okay. They didn’t do that anymore.  

They were best friends. The most banal kind. Except sometimes on Fridays, when things got too much.

.

_‘Your gaydar is fucking broken.’_

_You fucking broke it. It was all you._

His heartbeat eventually evened out, his chest no longer heaving. And Tequila was lying on his torso, curled around him where he was sprawled on his bed, as if she knew he could use all the comfort he could get.

“I still don’t like you,” Isak mumbled, his hands gently stroking her, betraying his own words because perhaps he did like her a little bit.

She ended up scratching him and he deserved it. But it wasn’t as vicious as her previous attacks. She was probably feeling bad for him but didn’t want to show him pity. Isak hated it when people, and now animals, showed him pity. Tequila was a smart girl.  

“Unrequited love is shit,” Isak told her, gently running his thumb and index finger over her head. “It’s fucking bullshit. I wouldn’t recommend it.”

Isak then laughed when she yawned and walked away, looking bored.

“Heartless bitch!” Isak yelled after her then hoped Edvard hadn’t heard him.

* * *

**Drittfyr**

21:22

I’m stopping by with Mutta and the boys in like 15 min

You better be ready

21:32

Hello?

Iss you there?

Did you FALL ASLEEP AGAIN?

We don’t know your friend Eva

You can’t ditch 10 people Isak

Isak?

??

.

**Missed Calls: Drittfyr (7)**

.

21:46

I’ll be ready at 22:00

Isak wtf happened?

Sorry

Fell asleep while psychoanalyzing my cat :p

Tequila?

You call her your cat now?

Aww I’m gonna cry

Shut up

Anyways

I’m outside

You’re here?

Yeah you weren’t picking up

I thought something happened

You scared me

Loser

Lover*

???

Didn’t you watch ‘It’ ?

What the hell are you talking about?

Forget it

Come outside

* * *

“Going out with your friends?” said Edvard the moment Isak left his room.

He hadn’t seen him in a while and frankly, his mere smile warmed his heart. Isak had been so worried that something was wrong with him, but he seemed healthier lately. Isak had kind of missed him.

“Uh, yes. It’s Friday night,” said Isak, readjusting the black snapback on his head.

He was wearing it the way it was supposed to be worn tonight. It wasn’t reversed. He didn’t really feel like showing his face tonight. Quite literally.

“Have a wonderful time, Isak,” said Edvard, waving from his couch.

“Call me if you need anything,” said Isak, now heading towards the door.

“Will do.”

.

The air was a little bit colder than when Even had cracked his chest earlier. The sky was also darker, and if the moon was shining somewhere, Isak couldn’t feel or see its light.

“You’re dressed in black,” said Even, dressed in a white t-shirt and light jeans and looking breathtaking as usual.  

“I guess I am,” Isak smiled weakly. He was still shaken from his earlier meltdown.

“Everything okay?” said Even, his brows furrowed, stepping closer under the streetlight, bathing in its light.

His eyes were blue. His hair was blue. And his t-shirt had a pin on it with three stripes: pink, yellow, and blue.

_The pansexual colors._

“I’m fine,” Isak coughed, taking a step back. “I think I’m getting a cold. You better stay away.”

Even’s face fell. _Don’t touch me tonight,_ was what Isak had just said.

“Okay,” said Even, taking a step back as well, his face blue. “The guys are gonna be here soon.”

“Cool,” said Isak, looking at his feet and feeling extremely grateful for the snapback on his head covering his eyes, because breathing was getting a little bit hard again and Even could always tell something was wrong when he looked into his eyes.

They stood there in front of Edvard’s house for a little while until Isak decided that he didn’t want the boys to find out he lived with an elderly man and his cat. So they walked to the next intersection in silence, Isak dressed in black and Even in white, Isak with a black snapback on his head and Even with his blue hair.

“Mind if I smoke?” said Even when they reached the next street light and stopped for Isak to text Mutta their location.

Isak shook his head without looking up then listened to the sound of Even lighting up his cigarette, his thumb rolling the metal sparkwheel repeatedly until a steady spark appeared. It was one of Isak’s favorite sounds, as silly as it was. Even had once asked him to help him record the stupid sound for one of his short movies, and Isak had replied that there were plenty of sound samples on the internet he could use for sound effects. But Even had wanted something authentic, “a sound that says boy in freezing and windy Norway trying to light a cigarette at three in the morning, not man in California lighting a cigarette at two in the afternoon.” Isak didn’t get the difference between the two, but he started paying attention to sounds, mostly the ones Even made. And that was how he became somewhat sentimental about the way Even lighted his cigarettes or turned a doorknob, or breathed through his nose first thing in the morning.

“You okay?” Even asked again, a hand on Isak’s shoulder, a foot propped against the pole as he leaned against it.

“Please don’t ask me this again tonight,” said Isak, still looking at the floor. “Please.”

He was a mess. Tonight, he was a mess and he was going to allow himself to be one.

“Okay,” said Even, removing his hand from Isak’s shoulder, his fingers coming up to touch the pin on the left side of his shirt, right above his heart.

_Pansexual._ The elephant in the room.

“Nice pin,” Isak eventually spoke in an attempt to clear out the tension.

The tension he had singlehandedly created. He hated it when this happened. When silence settled between them because words became too dangerous, too heavy. Because one wrong word could start a war.

“You think?” said Even, his eyes a little bit brighter.

“Yeah,” Isak attempted a smile. “I like the colors.”

“You called me a straight guy earlier. I had to do something,” Even eventually smiled. “I started writing a facebook post about my big coming out, but then I figured you were the only one who still needed clarification somehow.”

_Just what the hell are you talking about._

The smile that had settled on Isak’s lips wiped itself and the urge to explode found home in his bones again.

“Even, I’ve known you for thirteen years and you never said anything about being pansexual,” said Isak. “Ever!”

“Isak, I took you to Pride last year and I was literally rolling around in a pansexual flag. Did you think I was just doing it for shits and giggles?”

_Alright,_ perhaps Even had a point. But still, Isak had come out to him with actual tears rolling down his cheeks up to his neck. They were friends. The closest friends. Why didn’t Even feel the need to specify such things to him? Why wasn’t he deemed important enough?

“You never said shit about liking boys. Don’t pin this on me!” said Isak, frowning and feeling irritated, and annoyed, so annoyed.

“Isak, I literally make out with guys and girls at parties all the time. Do you need a written announcement? I pretty much had my tongue in your mouth-”

Isak shoved him in the chest so hard that Even nearly fell backwards. _God._ He was fuming.

“I’m sorry,” Even threw both hands in the air. “Fuck. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have brought that up.”

“Forget it, Even!” said Isak, storming past him.

.

“So it’s one of those nights, huh?” said Elias, the moment Isak and Even bumped into him and the rest of the boys. “Lovers’ quarrel?”

“You can fuck off, Elias.” Isak shoved him then started walking ahead of the group.

He shoved his hands in his pockets and dipped the snapback lower on his face. It was one of those nights, alright.

“Even, what the fuck did you do to him this time?” he heard Elias sigh behind him while an arm wrapped itself around his shoulders, the weight of it startling him.

_Mutta._

“What’s wrong?” Mutta asked, his pace matching Isak’s, keeping some distance between them and the rest of the boys.

“Nothing,” Isak muttered, feeling defeated and dumb, so dumb.

“Want me to kick his ass?”

“Shut up,” Isak laughed a little before remembering why he was feeling like total _crap_.

Mutta tightened his hold over him and Isak let himself lean against him for a bit. He was so tired of feeling so much. So tired of not knowing why he was always so angry.

“Did he, uh. You know,” said Mutta very carefully, very awkwardly. Isak knew he hated having this talk but that he did it for him.

“No, he didn't,” said Isak.

_He didn't kiss me. He didn't try anything. No._

“I’ll still kick his ass if he messes with you,” said Mutta with a smile. “I promised her I would kick anyone’s ass if you’re upset.”

_Her._

“I’m fine,” Isak rolled his eyes. “And she doesn’t give a shit.”

“But I do.”

_God,_ Isak would die for Mutta.

Mutta who always knew, who was always there when Even lost himself a bit and stole a kiss or two or three.

Mutta always picked him up when things got too much. Mutta was always there, keeping his stupid promises to stupid ghosts.

.

Eva looked so pretty in her orange dress and Isak let her hug him at the door. He suspected she would get mad at him for bringing so many people, but he figured she’d be happy second and third years were attending her party.

He was right. She was over the moon.

_One of us, at least._

.

Isak had a few drinks then started looking for a place to hide the moment he caught a glimpse of Even talking to Mikael, leaning against him for a bit. _Pansexual._ This changed everything. All that time he had spent writhing with jealousy at age sixteen whenever he saw Even and Mikael was warranted now. It wasn’t in his head.

_Whatever._

“Hi,” said the highest pitched and most annoying voice ever as her owner settled on the stairs leading to Eva’s room next to him.

_Vilde._

She was wearing a yellow top and a black skirt, and her hair was down. She looked pretty and her smile was almost irritating.

“Hey,” said Isak, bringing his beer to his lips again.

“Having fun? It’s a cool party. Eva always throws the coolest parties,” said Vilde, holding onto a bottle of white wine. “Her mom is never around, so she has this house to herself all the time.”

Isak nodded politely but he wasn’t interested in Eva’s own sob story. He was tired and he wanted to go home. He wanted to play with Tequila until sleep found him, until it was no longer Friday.

“Your friends are hot,” said Vilde. “You should have said you were friends with them on your first day.”

“Why?” Isak finally looked up, letting his beer reach the floor but still holding on to its opening between his thumb and index finger.

That seemed to have thrown her off because panic quickly settled into her eyes.

“I don’t know. It’s just easier to make new friends when you have hot and cool friends,” she replied nervously.

_Bullshit._

“Are these new friends really your friends though?” said Isak. “Aren’t they just using you to get to your hot and cool friends then?”

This conversation was perhaps too deep for a friday night. But Isak was still wounded from what that Joakim guy and every other Joakim before him had done to him, always using him to get to his hot and cool friends. Isak’s thoughts no longer made sense.

“I don’t know,” said Vilde, looking a little bit deflated herself.

She had hot friends, too, after all. Perhaps she could relate.

“Noora’s hot,” said Isak, just to check.

“She is,” said Vilde.

Isak was going to add that Eva was hot, too, but he stopped himself the moment he saw the look on her face. The all too familiar look. Isak hated that look but he was always wearing it on his face. The “I’m not good enough” look.

“You look fucking hot tonight, Vilde,” Isak said instead, turning his body almost entirely to face her now, knees bumping.

“You think?” she chuckled nervously, her eyes looking down. She was adorable.

“Yeah,” he nodded. “You’re the hottest girl here.”

Isak then paused because this was all too familiar. Even had done this for him the previous night. Even did this for him every single time. Did Isak think Vilde was the hottest girl in the room? No. Probably not. But it didn’t matter. What mattered was that she was feeling okay.

Isak knew Even didn’t think he was the hottest guy on the planet, but the realization still hurt. Isak was a charity case.

“Aren’t you gay though?” said Vilde.

It felt like a slap to the face.

“Huh?” Isak panicked. “What? Who told you?”

He hadn’t really come out in UiO. He could have done it on his first day, but for some reason he kept delaying it. He knew he didn’t even have to come out at all. Just like Even who did what he wanted to do. But it was never that easy for Isak. The only people who knew were the boys from Bakka after a very dramatic coming out. But still, Isak didn’t feel too proud of himself lately.

“No one,” said Vilde, smiling. “I have a good gaydar.”

“What the hell?” Isak scoffed.

“I won’t tell anyone,” she smiled again, bringing the entire bottle of wine to her lips and taking a few sips.

“Okay.”

They sat there in silence, simply watching drunk people dance and bounce around while drinking beer and wine. And Isak wondered why he related to this annoying blonde girl.    

“You gay, too?” he eventually asked.

“I don’t know,” she sighed before getting up from the steps and pulling her skirt down, the empty space she left behind making Isak feel weird.

“What would you do if Eva told you she would fuck you if you asked?” said Isak.

Vilde laughed then crouched in front of him, nearly falling sideways. They were both drunk and Isak couldn’t stop laughing either. _What a mess._

“Tell me,” he insisted. “What would you do if she said that?”

"She would never say that to me," said Vilde.

"But hypothetically! In like a parallel universe, what would you do if she said she would fuck you if you asked?"

Vilde smiled then pressed a chaste kiss to his cheek.

“I would ask,” she said.

.

“Isak.” Even finally found him, looking tall and pretty, so pretty. _About time._

“What?” Isak replied, trying not to sound too mean.

He was drunk already and he wasn’t as angry anymore, but his heart still felt sore.

“I’m an asshole. Forgive me,” said Even, looking down at Isak who was sitting on the steps. “You said you don’t wanna talk about that ever again and I keep bringing it up. I’m sorry.”

“It's fine,” Isak mumbled, shrugging then going back to his beer.

Even gestured with his head to ask if he could sit beside him, and Isak took another sip before nodding and scooting over to make some space for him.

Side by side again. Their shoulders touching. _I need to stop feeling things._

Isak wished they hadn’t had that earlier conversation, because all he could think about now was skin, his skin.

“I’m sorry,” Even repeated. “I hate it when I piss you off. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too,” Isak eventually breathed.

Isak let his head fall on Even’s shoulder because it was Friday and because _why not_ . The music was blaring through the speakers, and Isak could see Mutta and Mikael dancing with Vilde and Chris. He could also see Jonas and Eva and some guy with a pink wig rubbing up against Noora. _What the hell._

The most comforting thing, however, was how he could almost hear Even’s heartbeats. Right here, right now, with his head resting on his shoulder in the middle of a crowded party while Even’s favorite song of the moment played so loud in the house. Because it didn’t matter how good a party was, if Isak was upset or was hurting, Even always came to find him. He always came first. No matter how much he loved the song that was playing.

_Nobody loves me like you. Nobody._

“I’m sorry I made your sexuality about me,” said Isak, nuzzling against his shoulder because it was Friday.

“Hm?”

“I’m proud of you,” said Isak, his head now leaving Even’s shoulder to look him in the eyes. He owed him this. “And I’m happy you’re proud of who you are.”

Even smiled and for some reason it broke Isak’s heart. He made everything look so easy but Isak knew how hard everything was for him all the time. He knew better than anyone how strong this boy was.

“You’re amazing,” said Isak, one hand coming up to cup Even’s face. “You make it look so easy but I know it’s not easy. It’s never easy.”

Even smiled and leaned into his touch, his own hand covering Isak’s on his face.

“Thank you,” he whispered with teary eyes because he was Even and because he felt too much, too.

“You’re incredible. You know that?” Isak chuckled because the lump in his throat was getting too hard to chase away.

He then looped his arms around Even’s back and closed his eyes when their chests met. They hugged on the stairs because it was what they did and because Even had once told him the exact same words when Isak came out to him.

“I’m proud of you, too,” said Even against his skin in the crook of his neck.

.

“Wanna dance?” Even eventually broke the silence.

“I thought you’d never ask.”

Isak danced and laughed and drank and smiled. He danced with Even, and he danced with Mutta, and he danced with Chris who tried to kiss him at some point much to his horror, right before Even pulled him by the arm, as if to shield him, laughing when Isak curled into him.

Isak forgot why his heart had felt so heavy in his chest earlier. He forgot.

And tomorrow when he’d wake up, he wouldn’t think about Even’s lips anymore. He wouldn’t think about his hands on his skin and about his body between his thighs. He wouldn’t think about it. Because it came and went like waves. His feelings would resurface and swallow him whole one night, then he would wake up and feel alright again. Like waves. It came and went.

_Even. My friend. My big sister. My best friend who says he’ll fuck me if I ask. Friendship. That’s it._

.

“Are we good?”

“We’re good,” Isak mumbled, stumbling as Even dropped him gently on his bed.

Isak had no idea how they had even made it to Edvard’s house or what time it was, but Even’s hands were gripping him, so he didn’t care.

“Promise?” said Even, both arms on either side of Isak’s head, which was spinning, spinning, spinning.

“I can’t promise you that,” said Isak, throwing both arms around Even’s neck, because he was drunk and it was Friday, and some things were allowed when he was drunk and it was Friday.

“Did you move out because of my shit?” said Even, still towering over him.

Isak pulled his lower lip into his mouth and nodded because he didn’t want to lie anymore.

“I’m sorry,” said Even. “I always make everything so hard for you.”

_So hard. Ha ha._

Isak closed his eyes and pulled Even closer, burying his face where his neck and his shoulder met.

“Isak?”

“Hug me,” said Isak. “I can’t breathe. Please hug me.”

Even hugged him. Even always hugged him when he couldn’t breathe, even when it was Saturday and no longer Friday.

“Nobody loves me like you,” Isak mumbled before dozing off in his arms. “Nobody.”

.

They didn’t talk or communicate for the rest of the weekend and it was okay. Sometimes, Isak needed a break when things got too much. And Even gave him the space he needed, they both needed.

Isak knew they weren’t going to talk when Even left in the middle of the night after planting the most gentle and 'sisterly' kiss to his forehead. Things were getting weird again and he wasn’t even sure why.

“Where is your friend?” Edvard asked Sunday afternoon while Isak studied in the living room.

Edvard knew Even’s name but for some reason he kept referring to him as ‘your friend’, as if he knew how much those words made little sense to him sometimes.

“Uh, he’s studying, too,” said Isak.

“Okay,” said Edvard. “He hasn’t visited in a while. I hope it’s not because of me.”

_Oh._ Edvard was such a kind man and Isak couldn’t believe him sometimes.

“He’ll be here tomorrow,” said Isak. “He’s been looking forward to seeing you.”

It was crazy how a few words could make people so happy. Edvard’s face had completely transformed. And what a sight. _Hell, I’ll bring all my friends._

* * *

**Mutta**

**17:19**

Are you and Even fighting?

?

No?

Why?

He looks like shit

…

Are you at his house?

Yea

Is his mood down?

Did you tell his mom?

He’s not a baby Isak

He just looks a bit sad

Ok

No we’re not fighting

Just taking a break

Wtf

And you lose it when people say you’re a couple

NOT LIKE THAT

Like what then Isak?

Ugh

I might have told him that i moved out because of him on friday

Oh

Anyways

We’ll be fine

I’ll talk to him

Alright

Uhm by the way

?

Your friend

Noora

????

Uhhhhhhhhh

Lkfdjhs

???????????????????????/

The greaat MUTTAA finallyyy has a cruushhh??????

Fkjdjhff

Wow shut up!

I still haven’t said shit

OH MY IFJUDSJH

ISAK I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU’RE CALLING EVEN RIGHT NOW

* * *

“Isak?” Even picked up the phone almost immediately. “How are you?”

“Mutta has a crush on Noora!” Isak nearly shouted on the phone.

“What?”

“He just messaged me,” said Isak. “I think I’m gonna cry. Finally. Our boy!”

Isak suddenly paused because he realized what he was doing. He had finally reached out to Even after their emotionally charged night, only to talk about Mutta and his hypothetical crush.

_I’m such a dick._

“I’ve been giving him shit since Friday,” Even finally spoke, chuckling. “He kept staring at her all night! It was both sweet and pathetic.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” said Isak, although he knew exactly why he hadn’t told him.

“I was going to!”

“Kebab?” Isak attempted with a small voice, his heart in his throat.

A peace offering.

“Kebab.”

.

Isak and Even met for Kebab at the happy place, not the sad one. And despite some awkwardness at the very beginning of their ‘date’, they both ended up in tears, clutching at their stomachs because they were laughing too hard.

“Movie at my place?” said Even.

“Movie at your place.”

They watched ‘It’ and it took Isak a moment to understand the reference when Eddie changed ‘Loser’ to ‘Lover’ on his arm cast.

“You’re such a nerd,” said Isak, shoving him with his foot.

“What? Eddie has the most iconic lines,” Even laughed.

“What are you talking about? The kid with the glasses is the best,” said Isak. “Also why are you making me watch horror movies? I won’t run away like when I was a kid.”

Even laughed then scooted closer to Isak on the couch. Their knees were touching but Isak didn’t mind. A weekend apart had calmed the storm in his heart.

“Was kinda hoping you’d get scared and hold onto me,” said Even with the cheesiest smile on his face.

“You’re a dick. I’m gay, not some girl who can’t handle watching horror movies,” Isak groaned.

“That’s sexist, Isak,” Even laughed. “And boys need someone to hold them, too, sometimes.”

_I know._

“Anyways, what are we doing about Mutta and Noora?” said Isak.

* * *

**Los Losers**

 13:29

Chris: two words. Bathroom sex.

Eva: ew

Chris: what do you mean ew???

Eva: it’s just so unsanitary? Like who knows who went there before you

Chris: who cares

Chris: we’re young and free

Noora: you won’t be free if you end up with an infection down there

Vilde: yeah i agree with Noora

Chris: since when are you girls so boring??

Chris: is Isak still on or has he muted us already

Eva: probably muted us

Hey

Bathroom sex is hot

Chris: THANK YOU

Anyways

Are you girls single?

Forgot to ask

Vilde: :O

Chris: i am ;))

Eva: ???

Eva: why?

Eva: who's asking??

Some of my friends are asking

Eva: this friend??

why is he doing photoshoots again jesus

Chris: Even is asking???

maybe

Chris: he's lying. everybody knows Even and Isak are secretly banging

wtf?

Chris: his instagram is basically just you

Chris: we're so stupid for not checking it earlier and believing you didn't know him

Chris: when he's literally your boyfriend

wtf??? the AUDACITY

it's just jokes wtf

people can be friends you knOW chris!

Vilde: I like this picture Even posted last year of you two

????

Vilde: 

Chris: HAHAHAHAHA

Eva: this is fucked up

Eva: is it like Isak is his baby? 

I can't believe that picture is still up jesus

Noora: why did we add Isak to our groupchat again?

Are you single or not?

Noora: none of your business

Eva: she is

Eva: broke up with her douchey boyfriend a few months ago

Chris: Isak help us get her some dick

Noora: wtf???

Vilde: or you know just some in general :)

* * *

“She’s single,” said Isak, then watched the entire group of boys rejoice and clap obnoxiously much to Mutta’s horror who was covering his face.

They were all gathered around a table with benches outside the cafeteria and Isak hoped they couldn't see that his face was flushed from the chat. And Mutta’s crush on Noora was general knowledge now when he hadn’t even admitted it to anyone. Still, it became a priority for Isak and Elias to pursue this until the end. Mutta had never had a girlfriend. He had simply never expressed interest in anyone before. So this was a big deal. And perhaps, Isak cared a little bit too much. Perhaps, it was weird just how dedicated he was to this whole thing. But still, it was important. It was Mutta.

“We’re going to throw a party at Yousef’s house and invite the girls,” said Isak.

“Why my house?” said Yousef.

“Uh, Even lives with his parents. Elias and Mikael have muslim parents. Mutta would never since this whole thing is to embarrass him and Adam is fucking annoying anyways.”

“Fuck you, Isak,” said Adam from the back while Isak blew him a kiss.

“What about your house?” said Yousef. “You moved out of Even’s, right?”  
“Yeah, but uh, my roommates hate parties and stuff. Impossible,” Isak stammered a little bit.

He wasn’t sure why he was so embarrassed of his living arrangement. But for some reason, he was sure the boys would feel bad for him. And he hated it when people felt bad for him. Most of the boys had a stable family life and the truth was that Isak was jealous but he would never admit it.

“Anyways. When are you gonna let us visit?” said Elias.

“Some day. Whatever,” Isak shrugged, putting some of his books back in his backpack because he had class in a few minutes.

_Please drop it._

“Not fair. Even gets to go home with you all the time,” said Elias.

“Yeah but Even goes down on him and you don’t, so,” said Adam, earning himself a heavy biology book to the face.

“For the millionth time, Even and I are not together!” Isak groaned loudly, emphasizing every single word.

“And whose fault is that?” Elias, Mutta, Adam, and fucking Even said at the same time, laughing.

“I hate all of you,” he sighed again before grabbing his biology book from Adam’s lap and turning around on his heel to head to class.

“Isn’t it her fault though?” said Mikael.

_Her._

“I think she would approve of Even by now,” said Elias.

_Just stop._

“I’m gonna miss you, baby,” Even shouted behind him.

Isak raised his middle finger in the air and smiled the entire way to class. _Fucking idiot._

.

**Drittfyr**

14:03

delete that picture where you're holding me as a baby or some shit from your insta

this one?

screw you i was drunk on this one

you don't look drunk at all

you're holding my hands though it's cute

i was drunk that's why!

right

delete this one!

HAHAHAHHAHA

Even!!!

omg this was my best post on insta though

i HATE YOu

i'll delete it if you're nice to me today

???

i have a movie screening today

come with me

it's a romantic movie

i'm not going

:(

people are gonna think we're dating or whatever

so what?

i promise i'll delete the pic

ughhh

* * *

September flew by and an uneasy feeling started settling in his chest. Isak knew what it was but he chose to ignore it, because he was nineteen and he was a university student now. He didn’t leech off Even’s parents’ kindness anymore. He wasn’t alone anymore either. He had friends and he was surrounded by his favorite people all the time at uni now. Everything was great.

Still. That uneasy feeling never left him. Perhaps, he should busy himself more.

.

“What are you doing, young Isak?” said Edvard one morning. “You’re up before me.”

Isak smiled and looked up and got up on his feet from where he was kneeling on the ground.

“Did I wake you up? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make noise,” said Isak, feeling a little bit sweaty.

He was cleaning a bit. He never cleaned and it was part of their arrangement. Even typically showed up on Sundays and cleaned when Isak was taking a nap or studying and it wasn’t fair to either of them.  

He was sleeping when he got a sudden burst of energy and decided that cleaning on a Tuesday morning at 6:00 was a good use of his time.

“No, you didn’t wake me,” said Edvard. “But is everything okay? It’s six in the morning.”

“I have class at eight so I figured I’d use this time. Couldn’t stay asleep,” said Isak.  
“Oh okay.”

Edvard dropped it and Isak was grateful. He just wanted to clean a bit, keep himself busy. He never cleaned. It was almost therapeutic.

.

“So I’m trying to become Noora’s friend, but it’s a bit hard. She’s a bitch,” said Isak.

“Don’t call girls ‘bitch’. It’s not cool,” said Even.

“Anyways,” Isak rolled his eyes then turned his attention back to the boys and Sonja who yawned in the corner. “It’s not really working but it will work.”

They were all sprawled around Elias’ backyard, doing exactly nothing.

“Why don’t you let Mutta do the courting and chasing? It sounds like he doesn’t even want to,” said Even.

“Thank you!” Mutta groaned from where he was perched on his seat, playing some video game on his phone.

“It sounds like Isak is the one in love with Noora at this point,” said Mikael. “You’re obsessed with this are you okay?”

And _gosh, this isn’t making me dislike you any less._

“Yeah, it’s kind of out of character for you,” said Adam.

Isak felt cornered. Alright, perhaps he didn’t really care about people’s love lives or lives in general. Perhaps, he was being a little bit too much, but it was Mutta. Of course he cared. Of course-

“Leave Isak alone,” said Even. “He’s just really invested in Mutta’s happiness unlike you, selfish assholes.”

.

“Everything okay?” said Even, as he walked Isak home, his words hurtful, all sorts of hurtful.

“I’m fine,” Isak smiled. “Why?”

“No reason,” Even linked both hands behind his own back, walked in front of Isak and turned to face him, now walking backwards and smiling.

“What?” Isak smiled right back. His smile was contagious.

“You look hot today,” said Even, squinting his eyes because it was sunny, still walking backwards, still smiling.

“I look hot every day, Even,” Isak joked.

“That’s true. Very true.”

Isak laughed then brushed past Even.

“Alright, time for you to stop being gay for me. I’m gonna need you to be your usual nice self,” said Isak.

“Hm?”

“For Edvard.”

Isak started noticing just how lonely Edvard felt all the time. And while he tried his best to have conversations with him, he wasn’t half as good as Even who was a natural. Even also loved having endless conversations about things that existed before he was even born, so it all worked out perfectly.

“You want me to charm your granddaddy?” Even smirked.

“More like my daddy,” said Isak, winking and brushing past him while Even gaped behind him.

“You’re fucking ruthless, Isak. You know that?”

“I’ve been told,” Isak laughed.

.

Even’s smile turned into something else when he got into the house and started walking around. Something resembling concern and Isak hated it.

“Who rearranged the cupboards?” said Even.

“I did,” Isak shrugged.

“And the furniture?”

“Still, me. Why?” said Isak.

That look. That _damn_ look. Isak knew that look. He hated that look.

“You reshuffled and cleaned the entire house all by yourself?” said Even.

“Yeah, why? Edvard didn’t mind.”

“You hate cleaning. You hate this.”

“Not true,” said Isak. “Now stop being annoying and help me set the table. I’m cooking.”

“You’re cooking?!”

Even’s concerned look never left his face. And at some point, while Edvard talked about some war, Isak felt a lump in his throat.

Breathing became a little bit difficult and he wondered why he felt so down when everything was so perfect, when years and years had passed. Isak wondered.

“Want me to stay the night?” Even eventually offered with a sincere look on his face.

Under any other circumstances, Isak would have laughed and turned it into sexual banter. But tonight, Isak couldn’t.

_Do you remember? Do you know why I’m like this?_

Even probably did remember. He remembered every year.

“Why would you stay the night? To grope me while I’m sleeping again?” Isak smiled, but Even didn’t.

“Alright. I’ll see you tomorrow?” said Even.

“Yeah,” said Isak, standing awkwardly by the door, his eyes on the floor.

“Can I hug you?”

_Please. Please hug me._

“Go home, Bech Næsheim,” said Isak instead.

“Okay.”

Even vanished into the night and Isak curled around himself in bed until the sun rose.

.

“What’s with the funeral look?” said Magnus as soon as Isak joined the boys' table for lunch.

“What?” Isak’s brows furrowed, his heart jumping.

“You’re dressed in black from head to toe,” said Magnus.

“I have to do laundry,” Isak shrugged. “All I had left was black clothes.”

“Ah okay. What’s up with your snapback though?”

“Hm?”

“You’re wearing it the right way. You’re typically always wearing it reversed,” said Mahdi.

“Oh. I don’t know,” Isak shrugged, an uneasy feeling settling at the pit of his stomach.

And just as he started feeling worse, a warm hand settled on his shoulder.

“Boys,” Even greeted the rest of the group with a smile.

“Even!” Magnus almost cheered. “So good to see you, bro. Your hair is so sick.”

Even laughed then placed his backpack on the floor before settling into his usual position: by Isak’s side, but at an awkward angle so that he could place his hands on his knees.

“Thanks,” said Even, squeezing Isak’s thigh a little bit. A comforting touch. Isak almost wanted to lean against his chest. “I just redid the roots.”

“Nice.”

Jonas then announced that he was moving out of his parents’ house to his own place that afternoon, and Isak offered to help him move his things. Mahdi and Magnus were going to join as well but Even couldn’t because he had class. The boys then talked about banging girls at some party and he felt himself zone out again.

“I’m gonna go get some coffee. Any of you want some?” said Isak, his shoulder feeling weird without the weight of Even’s hand.

“Sure,” they all replied.

“Want some help?” said Even.

“No, I’m good.”

Isak left his bag and headed to the counter to order all of them coffee. He greeted the woman very politely and waited patiently for her complete his order. He then headed back to their table with a tray containing four coffees and one ginger tea.

“Bro. Where’s the sugar?” said Mahdi the moment he put the tray down.

“Oh. My bad,” said Isak, heading back to get sugar.

He took his time again, adjusting the snapback lower on his face to maybe hide his eyes, maybe. He couldn’t look at Even today. He had been sure that Even was busy in the studio and it was the only reason he came to the cafeteria. But he still found him. Even always found him.

“How are we gonna stir this?” said Magnus when Isak came back with sugar but no spoons.

_Of course._

“Right,” Isak mumbled. “I’m gonna go-”

“I’ll get the spoons,” said Even, now leaving his seat. “Sit down. I’ll get the spoons.”

Isak felt like an idiot but he did as he was told. He knew Even wouldn’t let it go.

“Who’s the tea for?” said Jonas.

“Even,” Isak mumbled, looking down at his hands. “He doesn’t drink coffee.”

“Oh okay.”

Even came back a few seconds later with spoons and he almost threw them on the table, startling everyone.

“Uh, okay,” Magnus frowned.

“Do you need Isak to stir your coffee as well?” said Even, sounding a bit mean. Even was never mean. Ever. Unless it involved Isak. He was never mean.

“Even-” Isak whispered, his hand curling around his shirt.

“What the?” Mahdi mumbled beside them.

Isak felt like a child but he couldn’t really breathe, so perhaps it was okay that Even was there. The lump in his throat was back and the feeling of utter helplessness overwhelmed him again.

“I’m gonna go,” said Isak, pushing his chair backwards before getting up.

Even caught him almost immediately, both hands gentle on his shoulders, pushing him back down onto the chair before kneeling in front of him.

“Let me look at you,” said Even, both hands now cupping Isak’s face, making his cheeks flush instantly. “Your face is hot. Do you have a fever?”

Isak wanted to laugh. Was Even seriously wondering why his face was hot while he was touching him like this in front of his new friends?

But then Even removed his snapback with one swift movement and placed his big hand on his forehead, pushing hair off of it and furrowing his brows in something between concentration and concern.

Isak was on fire. 

“You have a fever,” said Even. “You’re burning up.”

“No, I’m not,” Isak protested weakly. He should probably shove Even's hand away but he couldn't. He couldn't stop blushing.

“Let’s go to the health center,” said Even. “It could be something.”

“Even,” Isak curled a hand around his wrist. “Please stop.”

Isak wasn’t sure what did it. He wasn’t sure if it was his voice breaking or his fingers pressing against his pulse or his eyes watering, but Even didn’t insist.

_They don’t know. Please don’t make this harder for me._

“Okay,” said Even, his hand back to cupping Isak’s cheek while his other one placed the hat back on his head, lowering it over his eyes so the boys couldn’t see Isak was about to cry. "Okay."

"Thank you," Isak mumbled. 

Even smiled before leaning in to kiss his cheek fondly and quickly wiping a tear that had spilled without the boys noticing.

“I’m gonna go to class now,” said Even, turning his attention back to the boys. “Sorry about being a dick just now. Isak is just a bit sick these days.”

He then grabbed his backpack from the floor, pressed a kiss to Isak’s temple, and waved goodbye. “Don’t let him do too much heavy lifting.”

_Shit._

Isak couldn’t lift his eyes when Even left. He couldn’t look at the boys who hadn’t spoken a word. The silence was painful.

“So the kinky sex, huh. Is it with him?” Mahdi eventually spoke, causing everyone to break into a fit of laughter.

“Shut up!”

.

Isak busied himself all afternoon. He carried all the heavy boxes up the stairs, did three times as many rounds as the boys, helped place furniture and open boxes, and even did some of the assembly.

“You look lazy. But you’re actually incredible at this,” said Mahdi.

_Ha._

Isak then stuck around to help Jonas clean the walls and the bathroom.

“You don’t have to,” said Jonas.

“I don’t mind,” Isak smiled. “It’s like exercise anyways. No big deal.”

Isak cleaned until Eva and the girls showed up, until Sana saw Isak all sweaty with gloves and gave him a sympathetic look. That _look. You remember, too._

Isak went back home with pain spreading down his back. Perhaps he shouldn’t have carried all of that stuff all by himself. Perhaps.

He opened Grindr and almost agreed to meeting some guy who started the conversation with “wanna fuck you until you cry”.

_I don’t feel like crying tonight, sorry._

He lay on his bed until the pain became unbearable. He had been cleaning and running around like an idiot for almost a week now. He had cleaned Edvard’s house every day, moved furniture every day. His bed was no longer stacked against the wall. The big library had also found a new spot. He had also carried weights he would have never gone near under other circumstances at the gym. He never went to the gym in the first place, yet there he was every day for a whole week. Not to mention that he was playing matchmaker and trying to get close to Noora for Mutta. Isak was losing his _damn_ mind.

_I just didn’t want to feel empty this year._

Isak couldn’t breathe.

* * *

**Drittfyr <3  **

**21:21**

I can’t breathe

On my way

<3

* * *

Isak waited in bed while Even took off his jacket, then his shoes, then his socks. He waited, listening to every sound as closely as he could. Even’s jacket falling on his bedroom floor. Even’s shoes hitting his bedroom floor. His favorite sounds.

Even crawled into his bed the same way he had done so many times before. But this was special. This was a ritual. A ritual that Isak hated but needed all the same. They did this every year, and Isak had hoped it wouldn’t come down to this now that he was nineteen and in university. But here they were.

Even slowly wrapped both arms around Isak’s back -- Isak who kept his eyes closed -- then brought him closer to his chest, enveloping him, shielding him, overwhelming him.

“I can’t breathe,” Isak mumbled. “I still can’t breathe.”

Even hugged him closer to his chest, both arms tightly wrapped around his back, nearly crushing him, and Isak breathed against his neck where his face was buried, his own arms coming up to latch onto him.

Even held him in bed the same way he did every year on October 2nd ever since Isak was ten years old. Even held him so tight and for so long until Isak’s pain somewhat left his own body, until he felt safe again, until he could breathe again.

“Help me breathe,” Isak had said one year when he was fourteen, maybe, admitting that he couldn’t unless Even was there with him, holding him, helping him.

It became an unspoken ritual. Every October 2nd, whether they were talking or fighting or in love or ordinary best friends, Even would always hold him in bed. Always.

“Better?” Even asked when Isak’s breathing finally evened out.

“Better.”

.

 

> _#4. Ten & Twelve _
> 
> _When Isak was ten years old, just as the new school year started and streets were getting colder, his older sister Lea died in a tragic accident on October 2nd. Isak didn’t remember any of it, couldn’t even remember if he was in the accident himself or if it was an accident in the first place. Isak was ten and he didn’t understand what death was or what it implied. All he knew was that his parents were always crying and that he missed her very much._
> 
> _Lea was Isak’s best friend. She was two years older than him and she always defended him when bullies made fun of his long hair. Lea was so strong and Isak wanted to be just like her and her friends. She had the coolest friends: Even, Elias, Mikael, Mutta, and Sonja. And although Isak didn’t like Mikael, he really liked Even because Even said his hair was beautiful._
> 
> _Isak cried at the funeral when he saw Even crying. Isak was used to his parents crying but Even crying made him sad, so he cried with him._
> 
> _Later that day when people started leaving, Even grabbed Isak’s hand and smiled._
> 
> _“I’ll be your big sister now,” he said._
> 
> _“Lea helped me sleep.”_
> 
> _“I will help you sleep.”_
> 
> _They shared a bed for the first time that night, with Even hugging Isak’s tiny body until he fell asleep. It kept happening every year on the anniversary of her death. And Even always remembered, always crawled into his bed, always held him._
> 
> _Then it got worse because Isak’s memories would play tricks on him and convince him that it was his fault, that she had somehow died because of him._
> 
> _“Help me sleep” somehow turned into “Help me breathe” and Even helped him every year until Isak’s body could no longer ignore his._

.

“Do you miss her?” said Isak, his face still buried in Even’s neck.

“Of course,” said Even, his fingers threaded in Isak’s hair, pulling at the strands gently, ever so gently. “She was my best friend.”

“She was my best friend, too,” said Isak. "Every year I feel like I'll get over it but then I still feel like shit."

"Grief doesn't have a deadline, Isak. It doesn't matter how long it's been."

"I guess," Isak shrugged. "But it's weird. It's like physical, too. You know."

"I know." Even nodded then shifted in bed so that Isak was lying on his chest while he played with his hair.

"Wanna go see her tomorrow?" said Even. "The guys might wanna come, too."

"What if I see mom at the cemetery?" Isak mumbled.

The last thing he wanted to do was run into his mother at a cemetery. 

"Don't worry. Your mom and dad went today," said Even, bringing a hesitant hand in his hair again.

"How do you know?" Isak finally looked up and Even's eyes were blue and his hair was blue, blue, blue.

Isak asked, but deep down he knew. 

"I drove your mom this afternoon while you were moving stuff with Jonas," said Even, looking away.

Isak's heart was full, but he was still mad at him. Even was too kind, it drove him mad. 

"You lied about having class," said Isak.

"I did," said Even. "I'm sorry."  

Isak had no reason to be angry. He knew this. So he closed his eyes and let out a deep breath. 

"Thank you," he eventually mumbled. "Thank you for taking care of me."

"You take care of me, too," said Even with a smile before pressing a kiss to his forehead. 

_No big deal. Just two bros cuddling in bed and kissing each other's foreheads._

“I really like your bed by the way,” said Even. “It’s huge.”

“I like it, too,” said Isak, his heart beating out of his chest, Even's feathery touches now burning through his skin.

“Better than your previous bed?” said Even, and Isak could feel him smile above him. _Gosh._

“No,” he replied. “My previous bed had you in it.”

Even embraced him again, a bit rougher this time, a bit clumsy and desperate. Isak closed his eyes and let his lips brush against Even’s neck, feeling him shiver against him.

_Am I imagining things or does your body want mine as much as mine wants yours?_

They hugged so hard that Isak forgot his own name, parting his lips and closing his eyes and throwing his head backwards, surrendering. He was ready for the taking. _Is it Friday?_

Even’s hands cupped his face and Isak only became aware of his surroundings when their foreheads then their noses touched. Intimate. So intimate. Isak was on fire.

“Do you remember our first kiss?” Even whispered.

“No,” Isak lied. “Do you?”

“No,” Even lied.

.

 

> _#5. Sixteen and Eighteen_
> 
> _The first time Even kissed Isak, he saw the fucking stars and something strong and visceral within him died. It was so surreal that Isak lay there on the bed until he could remember his own name and figure out why his heart was bursting inside his chest._
> 
> _But when he finally came to, it was a little bit too late. Because Even had already left the house. And Isak hadn’t kissed him back._
> 
> _That night, only two sounds echoed in Isak's bedroom: his heartbeats and remnants of Even’s words._
> 
> _“Nobody loves you like me. Nobody.”_
> 
> _Nobody loves me like you. Nobody._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be fluffy SOON. I'm sorry for the pain. My heart hurts when I write childhood friends AUs.  
> .  
> thank you for the response to blue haired! Even and for being so sweet and supportive.  
> as you probably know there's been some mean people attacking the fandom lately and i've been targeted as well. I just want to reassure everyone who's sent me the sweetest messages that I'm not feeling bad or hurt or anything at all. I was busy with the ny film fest and other events <3\. It sucks in general but this is usually what happens to fandoms unfortunately. As long as you put love in what you do though, some people will see themselves in it. And if hate is the path you choose, then good luck because hate breeds nothing but hate and soon there will be nothing left in your heart but anger and darkness <3  
> .
> 
> Alright, NLMLY!Isak has so many issues. mostly related to how he views himself and the world. he's a sweetheart but he's been repressing so much for the longest time. he sounds like the luckiest Isak out of all my verses because he's always had a support system but he's so incredibly insecure and oblivious and hard on himself. i also wanted to explore other dynamics like isak/mutta and isak/vilde (i lied. i explore this dynamic every single time). etc.  
> Even is Isak's older sister lol. If you've watched Reply1994, you know what's up. The boys were all friends with Isak's sister but then she died and they all took him under their wing. that's why they all love him so much. Even loves Isak more than anything but the lines are blurred and Isak truly thinks he'll never see him as anything more than a little brother.  
> It's complicated but we'll unravel everything bit by bit.  
> .  
> Again thank you for the love and don't worry about the hate. If some people think my writing is 'low quality', then be it. As long as it brings me and YOU joy, or makes you feel anything at all, I'm good. I'm not trying to get published or to get money out of this. i don't know why people are so angry and mad :x.  
> As usual leave a comment if you liked it, it means the world. Thank you thank you thank you.
> 
> PS: chapter titles are movie titles. can you guess upcoming chapter titles? :p <3


	4. Romeo + Juliet (1996)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak and Even wear suits, hang out on the grass, and do Halloween. Featuring the bakka squad and Mutta being wonderfully wonderful, feelings, denial, confessions, tension, edvard and tequila, and coming out <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had 5 chapters of this verse planned out so here's chapter 4. not beta'd because i'm the worst.  
> i'm sorry about iwdia i didn't have time to write it this weekend. forgive meeee <3333  
> ilyyyyyy thank you for the lovee <3

Isak wasn’t a morning person. Never had been, really. He always had trouble emerging from sleep no matter what time his alarm went off because sleep wasn’t his friend. Sleep didn’t come to him as easily as it came to others. So Isak valued the little sleep he could get especially on mornings.

In other words, Isak was a little bit lazy. But just a little bit.

He also never woke up early enough to make himself breakfast. And unless Edvard or Even’s mother made sure he ate, he often left the house with an empty stomach and an aggravated mood.

Isak didn’t like mornings. Some even insisted that he hated them.

_‘Don’t try to meet up with him in the morning,’_ Elias often warned people around them, to which Even replied with, _‘He’s fine in the morning. I don’t know what you’re talking about.’_

_‘You like him all the time. That’s why,’_ Adam eventually added, making Isak blush even more.

Isak didn’t hate mornings. He simply could never wake up without an alarm or someone telling him to.

Well, maybe not never. Sometimes he did wake up before his alarm. Sometimes he did wake up at the crack of dawn. And typically it was just to stare at _him,_ as embarrassing as it sounded.

_Him._

Isak couldn’t tell when he woke up but he almost gasped when he realized who the strong arms holding him belonged to. He was tucked against Even’s side in his king size bed, feeling warm and safe and sound and calm. Even gave the best cuddles and Isak’s body should have been conditioned to them by now, but he could never get used to the warmth, to how good it felt to be in his arms. _Him._

Isak breathed through his nose and snuggled up against Even like he used to when he was younger, burying his face even deeper into the crook of his neck and tightening his arms around his waist. Isak knew that this was against the rules but he couldn’t help it. Even was right there in his bed, their legs intertwined, Isak’s hair probably in his mouth. And Isak couldn’t help it. He wanted to be closer to him. He wanted to melt into him. He wanted all the comfort he could soak up before it was time to face reality and realize just how messed up this whole thing was.

_God. What am I even doing?_

Isak closed his eyes and let his arms roam upwards along Even’s back. He hugged him like he couldn’t stand being apart from him and he pressed their stomachs together until he could feel himself stiffen in his pants. _Jesus. Forgive me._

Isak didn’t want sex. Isak didn’t want hungry kisses along his neck and the insides of his thighs. Isak just wanted to be held. He just wanted to be held and loved and cared for, even when his body had different ideas. Isak wanted nothing more than-

His thoughts were muffled by Even shifting in bed, his eyes still shut, his arms untangling themselves from Isak’s back, leaving him feeling a bit naked, a bit cold. Isak waited for a second. He waited for Even to hug him again, for his arms to reach for him again. But Even let go of him almost completely instead and turned to the side to lie on his back, with Isak’s arms still around him.

_Okay._

Isak let go as well because he didn’t want to wake him, because he didn’t want this moment to end. So he brought his right hand to his pillow and rested his head on it, while his second hand remained on Even’s broad chest, just lying there, as lost as Isak felt whenever they got this physical.

Isak watched Even sleep for a little while, feeling calm and content and grateful. This hadn’t happened in ages, Isak waking up with Even in his bed and feeling good and safe and not like combusting. Perhaps Isak shouldn’t have moved out. He had missed this after all. The comfort of someone else’s flesh besides his own so early in the morning.

Isak had the world and he walked away from it because his heart could no longer take it. _What an idiot._

So he watched him for as long as he could. Because once this was over, Even would have no reason to spend the night and hold him and pepper him with kisses all over his face. This was a one-off. They were both grieving and it wasn’t going to happen again. He would have to wait until next year.

_Next year._

In a moment of complete impulse, Isak reached out with his free hand and brushed his thumb against Even’s bottom lip, feeling like he was losing his goddamn mind. He didn’t even think about it. He just did it, making his own heart race a bit, feeling reckless and desperate a bit.

_I miss you,_ he thought, because he did. He missed him so much.

He ran his thumb over Even’s chapped lip very tentatively at first, barely brushing against it. Then when he got no response, he allowed himself to apply some pressure, gently parting his lips with his thumb, feeling his whole entire body ignite at the thought. _I’m losing it._  

Isak was about to take his thumb back and stop this whole nonsense when Even’s lips suddenly puckered, almost pouting with his eyes still closed, making him gasp and nearly fall off the bed. Even then pressed the smallest kiss to his thumb, rendering him completely and utterly speechless, his heart about to beat out of his chest.

_Are you asleep?_

Even wasn’t asleep, and Isak barely reacted when his giant hand curled around his wrist, except maybe for his wide eyes and his shallow breaths.

“I-” Isak attempted, his head still resting on his other hand. _Do I apologize? What do I do?_

But how could Isak come up with anything when Even’s eyes were so piercing and so blue? When he could see right through him? When he knew him better than Isak knew himself?

Isak stopped himself from saying anything at all and just stared, just waited for Even to fix his own mess for him. Even was always so good at dissipating the tension between them, always so good at turning everything into friendly banter.

“You’re making things very hard for me,” Even said instead, his eyes blue and staring directly into Isak’s, punching all the air right out of his lungs.

_My god._

Even kept holding onto his wrist, his eyes roaming his face as if he were looking for something. But Isak had nothing to say, nothing to give back. Nothing. Isak had nothing.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, looking down, because he was. He was always putting Even in the most awkward situations then expecting him to fix everything and be his usual lovely self.

“You should really do something about your breath,” Even eventually breathed, his blinding smile back on his face. “I can’t keep waking up to your bad breath. It’s killing me.”

_Oh. there it is. Deflection. Friendly banter. I’m making things hard for you because of my morning breath. Of course._

Even then let go of his wrist and sat up on the bed before running his hand through his blue hair.

“Sleep well?” he added, completely oblivious to Isak’s dumbfounded expression, maybe.

Isak was good at hiding his emotions but he wasn’t confident he was doing a good job right now.

“Isak?” Even looked at him again.

“Yeah. Slept really well,” said Isak, now sitting up as well. “Thanks for uh-”

“The cuddles?” Even smiled, looking so angelic in his white shirt.

“Yeah I guess,” Isak shrugged, the lump in his throat still there. He almost felt like wrapping himself in his duvet and going back to sleep.

“I’m gonna shower first. Do you mind?” said Even the moment he got up on his feet.

“Nah. Go ahead,” Isak replied with a flushed face. It was ridiculous but Even had never showered at his new place. It felt too intimate almost.

.And when Even disappeared into the bathroom with one of Isak’s towels, he grabbed one of his pillows and all but screamed into it.

.

“Good morning, Isak,” Edvard greeted him in the living room as soon as he stepped out of his room. He was fully dressed and sitting on his usual couch with newspaper in his hands and coffee on the little table beside him.

“Good morning,” Isak replied, slightly self-conscious. His face probably screamed panic. “Going somewhere? You look nice.”

Edvard chuckled then put the paper down on his lap.

“Nowhere specifically,” he said. “I would just rather be ready in case someone wanted to take me out.”

Isak smiled awkwardly and thought of something nice to say. But just as words started forming logical sentences in his head, the shower went off in the bathroom. _Oh._

“Uh, I, uh. My friend stayed over last night because it was late,” Isak stammered nervously. “Uh. He’ll leave soon.” 

“Oh, that’s nice,” said Edvard with a smile. “He doesn’t have to leave.”

His tone was detached enough but it still suggested that he thought it was a hook-up. Isak’s face felt as though it was burning.

“It’s not-. It’s not like that,” Isak insisted. “It’s just Even!”

“If it’s Even, then I must insist he joins us for breakfast,” Edvard added, still smiling. “I’m a big fan.”

_You’re a dinosaur. Why are you teasing me!_

“He has things to do this morning,” said Isak, not exactly sure why he was so defensive and annoyed. Even had had plenty of meals with them before.

“I’m still going to try my luck,” said Edvard. “Unless you don’t want him to, of course.”

.

Isak was listening to Edvard talk about the last episode of Skal Vi Danse in the middle of the living room when Even emerged out of nowhere behind him and pressed a kiss to his skin, right where his shoulder and his neck met, making him shiver from head to toe.

“Morning,” said Even in his morning voice, his blue hair dripping despite the towel around his neck.

Isak’s mouth was still hanging open from the contact and he suspected that his face was crimson red. He was beyond embarrassed and Edvard’s cheesy grin wasn’t helping.

“What?” said Even, scanning Isak’s face with furrowed brows, looking completely oblivious.

_Are you kidding me!?_

“Oh, hi Edvard. How are you, man?” said Even with a big smile on his face when he finally scanned the room and spotted Edvard on the couch.

“Even! I’m doing great now that I saw you,” said Edvard.

Even then walked towards him and fistbumped him.

Isak hated both of them, really, truly.

“Where is my girl?” Even added.

.

Isak ate his breakfast in silence while Even and Edvard talked about politics, occasionally glaring at Tequila who had declared Even’s lap as her territory, apparently.

Isak hated her, too.

“Did you know that young Isak has a lovely singing voice?” said Edvard, making Isak choke on his toast.

“Oh my god!” Even clapped both hands together. “You’ve heard him sing? Isn’t he amazing?”

“Oh gosh!” Isak groaned, pushing his chair backwards. “Not this again.”

“What?!”

.

“Now you have to sign for a club or something. Can you imagine how happy it would make Edvard to watch you sing on stage?” said Even, sprawled on Isak’s bed as he picked an outfit.

_I wonder how long my bedsheets will smell like you for._

“Yeah, that’s not gonna happen,” said Isak.

“Isak! Come on!” Even groaned behind him, now hugging one of his pillows.

_Not that pillow._

Isak blushed when he realized which pillow Even was holding. All the things he had done to that pillow.

“What’s up with your face?” said Even, furrowing his brows.

“Nothing,” Isak lied.

“You’re being weird,” said Even, sitting up and still hugging the pillow.

“It’s just the pillow,” Isak pointed with his finger, barely sparing Even a glance before turning his attention back to his closet.

“What about the pillow?”

“I should probably wash the pillowcase,” said Isak, his back still turned to Even, beyond embarrassed.

“Isak, oh my god!” Even shrieked before throwing the pillow away and getting on his feet.

Isak couldn’t help but burst into laughter. Perhaps he could have kept the information to himself, but it was funnier this way.

“What did you do to this poor pillow?” said Even, now standing in front of Isak’s closet, too.

“Who said anything about _me_ doing anything to the poor pillow?” Isak grinned.

“Oh. Oh wow. Shit,” Even backed away, blinking at him in staged disbelief. “You’ve had another man in this bed before me?”

“The whole town, baby,” Isak laughed, taking out a gray sweater from the closet.

“You keep breaking my heart. You know that?” said Even with a hand over the left side of his chest. “I thought I was special.”

“You are,” Isak smiled, brushing past him to put the sweater on the bed.

“Oh really?” Even’s eyes lit up. “How so?”

“Your hair is blue.”

_And I love you._

“You’re relentless,” Even groaned while Isak laughed like an idiot. “Also you’re not wearing that.”

“Give me a break, Even!” Isak rolled his eyes before sitting at the end of the bed. “We’re not going on a date.”

“There’s no way you’re going to see her in that outfit!”

.

Isak tiptoed into the living room and secretly hoped that Edvard wouldn’t be there. He didn’t want to have to explain himself.

“You’re looking fancy,” said Edvard, perched up over the counter that stood in the middle of the kitchen. “Going somewhere?”

_Goddammit._

“Uh, yeah. Just this thing,” Isak replied, feeling silly in his black suit that no longer fit him. Perhaps he should have invested in a new one. He couldn’t keep wearing the same one he had worn since he was fifteen.

“Do you need help with your tie?” said Edvard, Tequila by his side, always.

Isak had almost kicked Even out before asking him to tie his tie. He did need help with his tie. He could never figure out how to tie one.

“Sure,” Isak replied, walking over to him tentatively.

“A gentleman should know how to tie a tie,” said Edvard. “It’s very important.”

“I never learned,” Isak shrugged. “And I never wear these anyways. It’s okay.”

Edvard’s hands looked like an old man’s hands. And Isak couldn’t help but wonder if he’d live to see his own hands look like that.

“I can teach you,” said Edvard. “If you want.”

For some reason, Isak felt closer to this old stranger than he had ever felt to anyone in his family before, and he wondered if Edvard felt the same.

Granted, Isak was never as gentle and nice to his family, and he wondered if it was the case for Edvard as well, if he had been an utter _asshole_ to his family throughout his life and that it was the reason he was so nice to Isak, as if to redeem himself.

“I would like that,” said Isak. “Thank you.”

“You look so handsome,” said Edvard with a smile, both hands tapping his shoulders. “Your friend is going to be very happy to see you.”

“Uh, thank you,” Isak replied, wondering if he was referring to Even and if he was implying that Even liked him like that.

But the strange feeling making its way to his chest wasn’t just that of embarrassment and confusion. It was also a weird sense of pride. No one had ever told him that he looked handsome, except for Even. He had seen Even’s mother call him that multiple times. “My handsome son.” But Isak had never been at the receiving end of such affection.

“Where are you going if you don’t mind sharing?” said Edvard, regaining his seat at the kitchen table because he couldn’t stand for that long.

“To visit my sister,” said Isak, quite surprised by his own honesty. But he felt like he owed him this.

“Oh. How wonderful!” said Edvard. “What’s her name?”

“Lea,” said Isak, ignoring how saying her name always felt like a pinch to the heart.

“Lea,” Edvard repeated with a smile that looked more sad than anything else. “My daughter named one of her daughters Lea. It’s a beautiful name.”

“Yeah,” said Isak with a lump in his throat, both his shoes hanging by his side. He hated feeling so exposed.

“Well I hope you have a good time. She sounds wonderful,” said Edvard. “I would love to meet her in person one of these days.”

_I sincerely hope you don’t, Edvard. From the bottom of my heart._

.

“You’re late,” said Even, casually leaning against his car with a cigarette between his lips and looking like a _fucking_ model straight out of a magazine.

_I hate you._

He was wearing his black suit and a white shirt unbuttoned at the top. Even always tied Isak’s ties but he never wore one himself. _The eternal rebel aesthetic._

“This whole thing was your idea. Where’s your tie?” said Isak in a mocking tone the moment he reached him.

“You know I never wear one,” Even smiled, his back leaving the car to unlock it and get inside.

“Yes, and I will never get it.” Isak rolled his eyes, reaching for the handle to open the door to the passenger seat.

“It’s very simple though,” said Even, now behind the wheel. “It just makes me look hotter to the naked eye. And you know I like to please the naked eye.”

“You’re a fucking idiot,” Isak laughed and reached for his seatbelt. “And you’re not pleasing anyone. I already told you I’m not falling for you.”

“Even now that I’m not a straight guy?” Even teased with a smirk, before on turning the engine and starting the car.

“You’re an idiot,” Isak rolled his eyes again.

“You already said that,” said Even. “And I never said anything about you. Do I need to remind you that we’re paying a visit to a lovely lady?”

“You’re disgusting. She was twelve,” Isak shrieked, diving under the seat to look for the Aux Cord.

“Excuse me! She would have been twenty one today, Isak!” Even scoffed.

“Would have been,” Isak repeated, knocking his head against the dashboard.

He meant for it to sound like a corroboration to his point but it just sounded sad instead. _Would have been._

“I’m sorry,” said Even.

“Don’t be,” Isak shrugged. “You lost her, too.”

It wasn’t Friday but Isak still let Even hold his hand in the car, still let him kiss his hair when they parked it and made their way to the cemetery. It wasn’t Friday but every day felt like Friday lately.

.

“You guys are actual dorks!” Isak exclaimed when he finally spotted Mutta, Elias, Sonja, Sana, Mikael, Yousef, and Adam.

They were all standing by Lea’s tombstone and Isak finally understood why Even had chastised him about being late. Sonja was wearing a beautiful laced black dress and heels and Sana a gorgeous black caftan, while the boys wore suits and ties. Isak couldn’t believe Even got Mutta to wear a tie.

“Let me preface this by saying it was Even’s idea,” said Elias. “And Mutta bullied all of us to make it happen because he’s Mutta.”

“You all look ridiculous,” Isak snorted.

“Excuse me. I think I look hot,” said Sonja.

“I look great, too,” said Sana. “Don’t group me with these guys.”

Elias was wearing actual sneakers with his suit and Isak couldn’t help but make fun of him. His laughter eventually turned into something fond because Isak couldn’t believe they had all dressed up on a Saturday to come visit Lea the day after the anniversary of her death. He couldn’t believe that after all this time, they still thought she was important enough and still valued her memory. Isak was grateful and he was happy, truly happy.

“Thank you all,” he said while looking at his own worn-out shoes. “I know I’m a brat and stuff but thank you for coming today.”

Elias and Sonja hugged him first before everyone just chimed in, everyone but Even and Mutta who waited in the back.

“What are you doing?” Yousef asked them. “Join the group hug.”

“I’m more of an individual hug kinda guy,” said Mutta. “Not into group hugs.”

“What he said,” said Even, both hands in his pocket.

“You two just want him for yourselves,” said Elias while Isak laughed, pushing everyone off of him.

“I think I’ve had enough hugs for the day,” said Isak.

“Yeah no,” said Mutta before nearly pouncing on him.

Isak laughed and let Mutta hug him, then Even. And if Isak closed his eyes when Even kissed his neck right after wrapping both arms around his back, then Isak hoped no one noticed.

.

“Do you miss her?” said Isak, his elbow bumping against Mutta’s arm as they stood in front of the tombstone, the rest of the group laughing a little bit further behind them.

“What kind of question is that?” said Mutta.

“I don’t know. Just a question,” Isak shrugged. “I don’t know when I’m supposed to stop missing her.”

Mutta smiled then brought a hand to ruffle Isak’s hair.

“There’s no expiration date,” he then said. “You can miss her forever if you want to.”

“I don’t know if I want to,” said Isak, sucking his lower lip into his own mouth. “It sucks sometimes.”

They weren’t even looking at each other, both of them looking at the tombstone, but Isak still felt exposed. Apart from Even, Isak never let himself be this open with anyone.

“I know,” said Mutta. “I feel like that, too, sometimes.”

Isak looked up at him and saw the look he saw on his own face sometimes. A defeated and confused look. He looked like someone who felt trapped and Isak wasn’t sure how to bring it up.

“She was my first love, you know,” said Mutta, still staring at the tombstone while Isak looked at his side profile.

Isak didn’t know. He had heard the boys talking about it but he never knew for sure. Mutta never told him anything about it. They didn’t really talk about her a lot because Mutta didn’t like to and Isak didn’t love it either. So it was a half truth that Isak was aware of but never confirmed because it was too complicated.

“You never told me,” said Isak.

“It’s not exactly useful information,” Mutta shrugged.

“I once told you I got a boner from Even holding me in bed. I don’t think that was useful information either,” said Isak, making Mutta bark out a laugh that resonated within him, too.

“That was TMI. You’re right.”

“I tell you the most embarrassing shit. You can tell me stuff, too. You know,” said Isak.

“I know,” Mutta finally looked at him. “Just didn’t want to be a burden.”

Mutta broke Isak’s heart sometimes. Because he was always smiling and always so lighthearted, but he was probably the most insecure person in the group, beating even Isak. He always thought so little of himself, never sharing more than necessary, always standing in the background, never wishing to bring too much attention to himself.

“You’re never a burden,” said Isak, reaching for his hand. “To anyone.”

“Thanks,” said Mutta with a genuine smile, pressing his fingers to the back of Isak’s hand.

They stood there in silence, Isak feeling oddly proud of their little exchange and happy that the sky was blue this year. Isak and Even always visited Lea on the anniversary of her death but the sky was never blue. Ever.

“Putting on a show for your boyfriend?” Mutta eventually broke the silence.

“Hm?”

Mutta brought both their hands up, indicating that he was referring to them holding hands.

“I don’t have a boyfriend, Mutta,” Isak rolled his eyes.

“Don’t tell him that. It might upset him,” he laughed.

“Whatever. He’s a big boy,” Isak shrugged, perfectly aware of what he was admitting to.

“How big?” said Mutta, earning himself a punch to the arm.

“Oh my god!” Isak shrieked. “Who are you and what have you done to Mutta?”

Mutta laughed so hard that he clutched his stomach, Isak joining him about a second later. They must have looked ridiculous, both having a fit of laughter in front of his sister’s grave. But here they were.

“She’s probably like ‘what the fuck is wrong with these idiots’ right now,” said Isak, still laughing.

“I think she’ll understand,” said Mutta.

_Yeah. maybe._

Isak shoved his hands in his trousers’ pockets and finally decided to ask the dumb question that was on his mind.

“When you think about her, do you think of her as a child?” said Isak.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean she would have been your age now. But in my head she’s twelve and it’s weird cause she was my older sister. You know.”

“I don’t really know,” said Mutta. “I haven’t really thought about her until like last month.”

“Why last month?”

Isak watched Mutta’s face turn into something resembling embarrassment and shame. _Oh._  

“What is it?” said Isak.

“Well, I don’t know why but when I met Noora at that party I thought _‘Oh, Lea would have probably looked like her’_ ,” said Mutta.

_Oh._

“Noora? Noora?!” Isak scoffed.

“What?”

“Lea would have been so much more beautiful and way nicer!” said Isak.

“I never claimed the opposite,” Mutta chuckled. “What’s with you and Noora anyways?”

“I don’t know. She’s rude. I don’t really like her,” Isak shrugged.

“She was lovely to me,” said Mutta. “I think you two got off the wrong foot.”

“So wait. You’re not into Noora? She just reminded you of your first love? That’s messed up,” said Isak.

“Shut up,” Mutta shoved him. “It doesn’t even matter.”

“What do you mean? What doesn’t matter?” Isak frowned.

Mutta took a deep breath and shoved both hands in his pockets, too.

“Girls like her would never go for a guy like me,” said Mutta.

“What the fuck? What is that even supposed to mean?” said Isak, the frown between his brows deepening.

“I’m not as good-looking as Yousef or Even and not as confident as Adam or Elias. I don’t even know what I want half the time,” Mutta shrugged.

Isak couldn’t believe he had been keeping all of that in that whole entire time, that the first time he would confide in him would be so heavy, so sad, so heartbreaking.

“What the hell are you talking about? You’re like perfect. If you weren’t straight, I would totally have fallen for you,” said Isak in a tone attempting to lighten up the mood. “That’s like your only flaw.”

Mutta laughed then leaned in to whisper into his ear.

“That didn’t stop you from falling for _him.”_

Isak was about to ask who the supposed ‘him’ was when Even appeared by his side like something straight out of his wildest dreams. _God. My knees._

“Getting cozy?” said Even, both hands in his pockets, bumping his elbow against Isak’s side ever so gently.

“I, uh-,” Isak stuttered then watched Mutta back away with a knowing smile on his lips. “We’re not done talking, Mr. Mutasim!”

“I’ll hold you to that,” he waved before joining the rest of the group a bit further.  

.

“You two looked like you were having a serious conversation,” said Even, a cigarette hanging between his lips while his other hand held his suit jacket over his shoulder. He looked _hot as fuck._ And Isak hated him.

“Yeah. It was intense,” said Isak, staring into the void.

“Mind sharing?”

“Sorry. It’s private.”

Even placed his hand and cigarette over his heart and feigned having gotten shot while Isak rolled his eyes.

“Are you dumping me for Mutta? Is that what’s happening? Is he taking my spot as the best friend? Are you sick of me already?” Even blabbered dramatically.

“Jealous much?” Isak snorted.

“When will you stop breaking my heart, Isak Valtersen?” said Even, his blue hair ruffled by the wind, his blue eyes staring into Isak’s green ones.

“I don’t know. Maybe when you stop breaking mine.”

Isak only realized how heavy his words were when Even’s face fell. He was good at hiding his feelings and emotions but Isak could read him like a book, too. Most of the time at least. Not for the things that mattered, but for things like these at least.

“Isak-”

“I’m joking,” said Isak with panic in his eyes. “I was just joking.”

He didn’t want things to be even more awkward than they already were between them. Not today, not right now, not when Even made sure everyone showed up to see Lea this year. The weirdness could happen later.

“Okay,” said Even, his expression softening, the cigarette back between his lips. “It’s fine.”

Isak knew he was overstepping and that it wasn’t Friday, but the sky was blue and so was Even’s hair, so _what the hell._ He reached for Even’s free hand and laced their fingers together in total silence, basking in the intimacy and in the giddiness spreading across his chest.

“You’re holding my hand because you held Mutta’s earlier?” said Even with a smile. “Trying to reassure me?”

“It’s different,” said Isak, looking down at their linked fingers, nearly whimpering when Even pressed right back against his knuckles.

“How different?” said Even.

“Just different,” Isak shrugged.

_Mutta and I didn’t almost kiss in my bed last night. It’s different._

* * *

 

> _#6. Nineteen and Twenty-One_
> 
> _“Do you remember our first kiss?” Even whispered._
> 
> _“No,” Isak lied. “Do you?”_
> 
> _“No.”_
> 
> _Isak had moved out because he couldn’t handle ending up in the same bed as Even anymore, yet here they were, in his bed, again. On the day of his sister’s death anniversary. Faces mere breaths away, again. His heart ablaze and sore, again. And Isak was tired. He was tired of feeling and not knowing why he couldn’t breathe around Even anymore. But if Even wanted to steal another kiss tonight, Isak would let him. Gladly. He would offer himself, gladly._
> 
> God. Please kiss me.
> 
> _Even’s hands were big and overwhelming on his face. And when his thumb grazed Isak’s lower lip, forcing his mouth open, Isak couldn’t help but close his eyes and stick his tongue out, quickly licking at the tip of Even’s finger like a virgin desperate to lick and be licked._
> 
> Please.
> 
> _Even never kissed his lips, but he kissed his forehead instead._
> 
> _“Let’s just sleep,” he broke him._
> 
> _“Okay,” Isak never replied._
> 
> You kill me, sometimes. But just a little bit.

* * *

“What are you thinking about?” said Even, their fingers still laced, that cigarette now long done, still standing in front of Lea’s grave.

“Nothing,” Isak lied. “You?”

“Nothing either,” said Even, bumping their shoulders together and smiling when Isak finally dared to look into his eyes.

_I’m glad we didn’t kiss last night, because perhaps we wouldn’t have had this today._

“The sky is blue this year,” said Isak, because it never was. Because every year Isak made the observation. And because the previous year, when Even had asked him what he wished for while they stood in front of Lea’s grave, fingers laced exactly like this, Isak had replied _“for a blue sky”._

“It is,” said Even. “Wanna lie on the grass in the park later?”

“Yeah,” Isak nodded. “I would like that.”

.

Elias didn’t even give them _shit_ for ditching the group and running off alone, and Isak wasn’t sure if he was grateful or if he hated the special treatment today.

Still, they were alone now. The October wind was blowing, but the grass was still green and the sky was still blue.

It was perfect.

“We’re going to ruin our suits,” said Even, as Isak lay on his back on the grass.

“This suit is ruined anyways. Look how short the trousers are,” said Isak.

“It’s not a big deal. It could be a fashion statement,” said Even, as his knees reached the ground.

“I’m not a wannabe model like you. Excuse me.”

“I’m not a wannabe model. I’m a wannabe filmmaker. I just do it on the side because this guy taking a photography class asked me nicely,” said Even, now lying on his side, head propped on his elbow and looking at Isak.

“A guy asked you to model for him? The fuck?” Isak frowned. “I thought it was for the entire class.”

“Nah. This dude Herman messaged me and I know how difficult it is to find willing people,” said Even as he yanked some of the grass with his fingers. “He promised to participate in one of my films as well. Win-win.”

Isak kept frowning until Even’s thumb came up to his face and smooth the creases between his eyebrows.

“Why are you frowning?” said Even, smiling. “Jealous?”

“Fuck off,” Isak shoved him while Even laughed until he could no longer see the blue in his eyes.

Isak frowned for a total of two seconds before joining him. Even’s laugh was too contagious and Isak could never stay mad for too long.

He then watched as Even picked up a dandelion from behind his head and tucked it behind his ear, smiling the entire time.

“What is this for?” said Isak, his cheeks slightly flushing at the gesture. Even always called him a flower and while he hated it, it always warmed his heart that Even was always so tender with him.

“The prettiest flower,” said Even, nudging Isak’s nose with his index finger.

“A dandelion, really? It’s a weed, Even!”

“I wasn’t talking about the dandelion,” Even smiled while Isak rolled his eyes and blushed.

He hated him and his cheesy _crap._

“Do you use this on all your conquests? Have you ever used this on a boy? I need to know. It’s for science,” said Isak.

“Only the boys I like,” Even winked.

“Shut up!” Isak shoved him playfully, still blushing, his ears still ringing.

“What?” Even laughed.

“And what did these boys say to this bullshit?” said Isak.

“There was only one and he said ‘shut up’,” Even replied with a grin.

“I hate you,” Isak groaned, bringing his arm to cover his own face, while Even laughed beside him.

The most comforting sound. Wind blowing through Even’s blue hair and Even laughing at the top of his lungs.

Isak removed his arm from where it lay on his own face and watched him.  

_Him._

And while he watched him, lying on the grass on a perfectly sunny late October afternoon with Even towering over him, Isak couldn’t help but notice how the blue in his hair looked like the blue in the sky.

“Your hair is blue like the sky,” said Isak, his fingers instinctively burying themselves in Even’s hair, without thinking, without overthinking.

“Just in case the sky wasn’t blue this year,” said Even with a smile, his own fingers coming up to meet Isak’s in his hair, lacing them together, the same way he had done earlier.

Isak couldn’t really breathe, his heart beating like drums in his chest and ears. Feeling as if he were falling into the void, as if he were riding a rollercoaster, as if he were in the middle of the ocean and had gotten caught in a wave. Isak felt as if his chest was catching fire, the storm in his heart was raging once again. Once again, as expected. As always. Every year. Every damn year. And he could never ignore it. The way he felt. His feelings. His stupid feelings that were screaming in his face. And while he always felt sentimental during this time of the year, he couldn’t keep denying how he felt. It hurt too much.

“Isak?” Even asked with a small voice that simply wasn’t his, with concern all over his face, towering over him while Isak remained on the grass stunned and stupefied.

“Your hair,” Isak finally spoke, his chest heaving, probably. “It was... for me?”

Even nodded.

“Everything is for you-”

Even didn’t get to finish his sentence because Isak’s back left the grass, his hands cupped his face, and he was all but sitting on Even’s lap. Isak hated that he kept breaking every rule he had ever set, but it was October 3rd and it was Saturday, and Even had just killed him yet again.

“For me,” Isak repeated, chest rising and falling erratically, both hands cupping Even’s face as gently as he possibly could, their lips a whisper away.

“For you,” Even whispered, both hands on Isak’s hips, strong, with a purpose.

Isak closed his eyes and let their foreheads touch, whimpering when Even’s right hand squeezed his side.

_Half the time, I don’t know if I’m in love with you or if I just need you in an absurd and nonsensical way because you’ve always been so tender with me. I don’t know if you’re a fantasy that will stop being a fantasy the moment I get to have you or if I will die if I don’t have you. I don’t know if I want to be your friend or your lover or your little brother. I don’t know if the flirting and the teasing are real or if you’re just trying to make me feel better about myself because I have zero self-esteem. I don’t know shit and I don’t know if I can afford to lose you figuring all of this shit out. I don’t know._

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” Isak admitted, completely defeated, yet again. “Every year I do this shit. I’m sorry.”

“What shit?” said Even, his voice hoarse and deep, hands still holding him in place on his lap.

“Coming onto you. Using you and guilt-tripping you into giving me affection like this because I just want someone to hold on my sister’s death anniversary and I know you won’t say no to me when I’m like this,” said Isak, his eyes still closed, his fingers still on Even’s face. “You don’t have to do this. I’m sorry.”

.

The ride back to Edvard’s house was nothing short of painfully awkward, with Isak shuffling through his playlist for songs to lighten up the mood and Even breathing through his nose beside him.

Even was upset, that much Isak could make out. He was upset and his tone was almost glacial. Isak knew he was almost never fair to him, but he couldn’t ask because he had said enough for the day, maybe the month.

They could both use some time apart, maybe.

“You’re mad at me,” said Isak when Even stopped the car in front of Edvard’s house, still not looking at him.

“I’m not,” said Even.

“Yes, you are. You won’t even look at me.”

“I’m never mad at you. I’m just frustrated.”

“Why? With what?”

Even sighed before closing his eyes and throwing his head backwards.

“Let’s just talk about it later. Okay? It’s late,” said Even.

“Okay.”

Isak stormed out of the car and didn’t look back, not even once, before closing the front door of the house.

And if he cried that night because he didn’t know anything anymore, then nobody but Tequila had to know.

* * *

**Even**

**23:22**

I don’t know what else to do to make you see me

You don’t see me

* * *

Isak typed out a hasty _‘All I fucking see is you’_ before calming down and deleting it. He didn’t want to make this any more complicated than it already was. He still had no idea what Even meant half the time.

* * *

**Even**

**23:25**

Go to sleep Even

I’ll talk to you tomorrow

Ok?

ok

* * *

Feelings came and went like waves, and Isak was used to it by now. They never talked about that afternoon in the park ever again. They never brought up Even’s texts that followed ever again either. They were forgotten, in the past, pretty much like anything that had ever happened between them. Shoved aside in Pandora’s box. Never to be talked about ever again.

The most ridiculous thing, however, was how they had managed to sustain this arrangement for over three years.

Sure, many things had happened between then and now. Even had gotten diagnosed with bipolar and had a couple of episodes. He had also missed the rest of his third year and had to repeat it. Isak, on the other hand, had come out and cut ties with his parents, and he had experienced the worst third year when everyone graduated from Bakka and he realized that being the gay guy at school with no friends wasn’t that much fun, that people weren’t that accepting.

Still, the only constant was that Isak and Even were always there for one another, even when things got messy and complicated, even when it got difficult to breathe sometimes. They were always tender with one another, always ended up laughing at a Kebab joint at one point or another. No matter how complicated things got.

So when Isak spotted Even’s blue hair on Wednesday afternoon by their usual spot in the cafeteria after not talking for days, his lips curled into the most ridiculous smile as he quickly made his way to him and tucked himself to his side like a child, shenanigans he typically reserved for Mutta.

“What are you doing?” said Even in an amused voice while the rest of their group watched.

“Your hair is still blue,” said Isak.

“It is.”

“I’m sorry,” Isak whined, wrapping both arms around his chest. “I’m sorry I pissed you off on Saturday and for being a mess these past two weeks.”

Even laughed before wrapping him in a tight hug himself, turning them around and taking a few steps so that the boys couldn’t see or hear what they were saying.

“I missed you,” Isak sighed again, his face buried in Even’s chest, arms tightly locked around his waist while Even rocked both of them gently.

“I missed you, too,” he replied with a smile and a kiss to the top of his head.

“Friends?” said Isak, finally looking up to look into his eyes.

“Best friends.”

Isak and Even kept hugging until Elias started recording them and threatened to broadcast their drama on his youtube channel.

“Piss off, Bakkoush!” Isak groaned, still hugging Even. “We’re having a moment here.”

“How about you two finally get together, so some of us can get some sleep and stop listening to Even whine about being invisible?” said Sonja.

“Shut up, Sonja!” Even almost shrieked.

“God! Can we go back to planning Halloween now that this drama is finally over?” said Elias.

“Whatever,” Isak rolled his eyes.

“We have a plan to make Mura happen,” said Elias.

“Mura?”

“Mutta plus Noora.”

“Okay. I’m listening,” said Isak, almost shoving Even off of him and making everyone laugh.

.

“Is it true that Even is bipolar?” Magnus asked the following week when everything got back to normal, making Isak’s head almost snap in the middle of the library.

“What?” Isak frowned.

“There are rumors about him being bipolar,” said Magnus while eating some sort of overpriced pastry he had gotten at the cafeteria.

“Who said that? Where did you hear that?”

“I don’t remember. Some party maybe? I don’t remember,” Magnus shrugged.

“It’s not some fucking party chatter, Magnus,” Isak hissed. “Were those people talking shit?”

“No, they weren’t. My mom is bipolar by the way. I wouldn’t have just sat there if they talked shit.”

_Oh._

“So is he?” Magnus asked again.

“Yeah,” said Isak. “But he’s on meds and he’s doing well and stuff.”

“Has he had an episode lately?”

“Why are you asking?” Isak frowned.

“Because dying his hair blue might be like a sign,” said Magnus. “With my mom, it’s very tough to tell when she’s hypomanic but she dyed her hair black this one time and it all went downhill from there.”

Isak sighed and ran a hand through his hair, putting his pen and calculator down.

_It was for me. He dyed his hair blue for me. Because I wanted the sky to be blue and because everything he does is for me._

“He’s not having an episode. He’s just lighthearted like that,” said Isak.

“But how do you know for sure?” said Magnus. “Were you ever around while he had an episode? Do you know when he’s down and when he’s not?”

“I do,” said Isak. “And I was around for every episode, yeah.”  
“Really? Does it get bad when he’s down?”

“Why are you asking me so many questions? Why do you care?” Isak eventually asked, slightly exasperated.

“What do you mean why do I care? He’s my friend,” said Magnus.

_Right._

“Right. Sorry,” said Isak.

“How did he get diagnosed? Was it after a manic episode?”

Isak nodded, reopening his book and reaching for his calculator. When Magnus had suggested a study session, Isak didn’t actually plan to be interrogated about Even’s bipolar.

“Did he ever hurt you?” said Magnus.

Isak looked up almost instantly, his eyes filled with hurt, probably.

“What the fuck?” said Isak.

“Nevermind. That was a weird question. Sorry, bro.”

“Is that the impression we gave you? Is that what you see when you see Even and me together? That he hurt me?”

Isak wasn’t sure why the question bothered him so much. He wasn’t sure what exactly made his blood boil, the question or the assumption it lay on. Isak didn’t know.

“No. Half the time it just looks like you’re banging,” Magnus shrugged, snorting.

“What about the other half?”

“Huh?”

“You said half the time,” said Isak.

“The other half of the time, it looks like he loves you but you don’t love him.”  

_What the fuck._

“You know. I mean you’re into chicks. He’s into everybody,” Magnus added.

_Into chicks. Right._

Isak almost laughed at how everyone could tell Even was into both boys and girls and never needed a written announcement. _Amazing._

.

“I need to come out to the boys,” said Isak, sprawled on Even’s bed while he drew something at his desk.

“I’m sure they all know already,” said Even.

“Not our boys. I mean Magnus, Jonas, and Mahdi,” said Isak, throwing the small bouncy ball Even kept on him at all times into the air and catching it again before gravity did its job and it hit him in the eye.

“Oh, okay. How do you want to tell them?”

“I don’t know,” said Isak.

“Do you want like a big dramatic coming out? Do you want to make out at a party?”

“Shut up,” Isak rolled his eyes even though he knew Even couldn’t see him.

Even laughed then dropped whatever sketch he was working on to join him on his bed, making Isak scoot a little bit.

“I don’t have a king size bed, you see,” he said.

“You could have one, though. Just get yourself a sugar granddaddy,” said Isak, laughing.

“Won’t be that easy. I’m not as pretty as you.”

“Ugh!” Isak groaned before shoving him, trying to sit up to leave the bed altogether.

“I’m sorry. It was a joke. Don’t get upset!” Even laughed, holding onto his wrist. “Stay.”

“You’re an asshole,” Isak sighed, letting himself fall back into bed.

“And you’re a brat,” Even smiled. “But it’s okay.”

“See? I come to you with a very important subject and you brush me off like this. No wonder I’m trying to replace you with Mutta.”

“Oh wow!” Even scoffed, turning to his side on his elbow and towering over Isak. “That is a very serious accusation right there. I do not brush you off Mr. Valtersen. If anything I’m just trying to make you smile here.”

“Do I look like I’m smiling?” said Isak, actually smiling, feeling a bit dumb but happy because Even was smiling, too.

Isak loved these dumb moments. He loved them more than anything in the world, probably. When they just made each other smile and laugh and breathe. Isak loved it.

So he reached for Even’s cheek and let his hand rest there, his thumb brushing against it, gently caressing the corner of his mouth.

“I love it when you smile,” said Isak.

“You can’t say that,” said Even, his lower lip moving to brush against Isak’s thumb.

“No?”

“No.”

“Can we cuddle?” said Isak.

“We can cuddle.”

* * *

 

> _  
>  #7 Sixteen and Eighteen _
> 
> _“Even, wake up,” said Isak for the hundredth time that day, maybe. “Please wake up.”_
> 
> _Even didn’t and nobody expected him to. Not this early anyways. He had crashed hard and fast and he needed time to sleep and adjust to his meds anyways. Bipolar. Even still wasn’t used to it. And Isak wasn’t either. But he was doing his best for him. Bipolar._
> 
> _Even had told him how much he hated that it was all everybody talked about, everywhere. At school, at home, in Elias’ house, at their kebab joint, at every party ever, everywhere. Even was the topic of the hour and he hated it. Isak hated it, too. He hated that he was suffering so much. His golden boy who shined brighter than everyone combined, now curled around himself in a hospital dark room with barely any light remaining in his eyes. Isak hated it._
> 
> I’m gonna do this for you.
> 
> _“Wake up. I have something important to tell you, please,” Isak begged, tucked against Even’s side in the tiny hospital bed while he barely moved at all._
> 
> _“It’s important. I swear,” he continued. “Please? I’ll never ask for anything ever again. I promise.”_
> 
> _Even didn’t move and Isak was probably losing his mind a little bit because he was shaking him now, feeling a little bit hysterical, a little bit overcome with emotion and fear. He couldn’t handle the thought of Even never waking up again._
> 
> _“Even, you cannot leave me all alone here! Do you hear me? You have to wake up now. It’s been two days and you’re scaring the fuck out of me! Please!” Isak begged with tears rolling down his cheeks now. “I don’t have anyone left. Please. You can’t fucking leave me!”_
> 
> _Simply saying those words felt like an out of body experience. His whole life he had relied on Even’s kindness and support, but he didn’t truly realize just how central Even and his smile were until he saw him on this hospital bed, looking nothing like the Even he knew and loved. Isak was terrified. Isak couldn’t stop crying. He truly had nobody if he didn’t have him._
> 
> _“You can’t die, too. You can’t. I will kill you if you do!” Isak sobbed. “Fuck. Even, please!”_
> 
> _He curled around him and cried against his chest until he felt his arms wrap around his back, weakly but there. Even was waking up. Even was awake._
> 
> _“Why are you crying?” he winced. “Don’t cry.”_
> 
> _Isak cried again with tears reaching his damn neck. And he wasn’t sure if it was for Even ending up at the hospital or if it was everything else, too. His mother losing it, his dad leaving, him being confused and struggling with his sexuality and with figuring out what Even’s kisses meant only to find out that they meant nothing and that Even was simply hypomanic, him being homeless and ending up at Even’s parents’ house only for Even himself to get diagnosed with a mental illness. The list was long. Isak wasn’t sure what it was but one thing was certain. He was tired._
> 
> _“Maybe I should just die so you can stop suffering,” said Even._
> 
> _“If you die, I die, you dumb shit!” Isak bit back in tears._
> 
> _“If I die, you die.”_
> 
> _“If you die, I die,” Isak repeated, burying his face in Even’s neck and wrapping himself around him, legs and arms and all._
> 
> _“You said you had something important to say,” Even eventually said in a broken voice, just as Isak was starting to doze off._
> 
> _“I’m gay,” said Isak very matter-of-factly, the lump still in his throat, burning. “I wanted to tell you first.”_
> 
> Wow. _Isak never thought the words could come out so easily. It was almost liberating after all the whining and crying. And he knew that it was probably an awkward thing to say to Even after he had denied being attracted to boys and to him for the longest time, almost rejecting him the first time he had kissed him and only kissing him back when he was drunk or high or both. But he wanted Even to know first._
> 
> _“You’re gay,” Even repeated, his voice hoarse and tired._
> 
> _“I am.”_
> 
> _Isak knew Even had absolutely no energy, so he insisted that they slept. And they did._
> 
> _Later on, when Even realized that Isak came out to everyone to shift the attention back to himself from Even’s bipolar, he was angry for a total of thirteen minutes before telling him that he was proud of him and of the fact that he was proud of himself, and that he was incredible and amazing._
> 
> _“Don’t ever do things for me if you’re gonna get hurt in the process. Okay?” said Even._
> 
> _“I didn’t force myself out of the closet or anything. I’m fine,” Isak insisted and it was partly true. He wasn’t sure he would have been that brave if it weren’t for Even._
> 
> _“This is too important. You don’t come out for other people, Isak. You come out for yourself. I hate that it was about me,” said Even._
> 
> _“It wasn’t. It was about me. It doesn’t matter what made me want to do it. I still did it for me.”_
> 
> _Even dropped it. But after Isak saved him from public scrutiny by literally turning his own life upside down, Even became even more tender and affectionate, even more attuned to every single one of his needs. He never got mad, not even once. When Isak asked for cuddles, he obliged. And when Isak asked for kisses when he suspected he was hypomanic because he was a piece of shit, Even obliged._
> 
> _Everything he did became for Isak. Everything. He was grateful. Simple as that. And Isak was abusing his gratitude because no one could ever want him for him. Simple as that._

* * *

“Holy shit, I think I went down on that girl once,” said Jonas before chugging his beer as the rest of the boys watched.

It was Halloween and they were at a party in Yousef’s house. Isak’s plan had worked after all.

“That girl?! The girl we’ve been talking about for the past fifteen minutes?!” Magnus scoffed. “What? And you only recognized her now?”

“She’s wearing a costume. I couldn’t tell,” Jonas shrugged.

All three boys had put exactly no effort into their costumes, with Mahdi actually showing up as himself in his blue tracksuit and no backpack. Isak almost felt overdressed in his angel outfit. Mutta had forced him into dressing up as one and even ordered him the angel wings online.

“So like, you went down on her? You mean like oral?” said Magnus.

“Yeah, man. I know you know nothing about sex. But what the hell do you think going down on someone means?” said Jonas while Isak laughed into his own beer.

“Bro, what the hell are you attacking me for? I didn’t know we were supposed to go down on chicks. Do they even like that?”

Isak laughed for a moment but suddenly stopped paying attention to the conversation the moment Even walked into the party. _Of course._

He was wearing a knight’s armor with a chainmail shirt, pauldrons covering his shoulders, and a sword tucked by his side. He looked ridiculous and hot and Isak hated him. _Romeo._

* * *

**Mutta**

**21:02**

Fuck you

The angel crap

I’m fucking Juliet

:p

I hate you

<3

* * *

**Romeo**

**21:03**

If love be rough with you

Be rough with love

You changed your contact name

You’re the worst

Prick love for pricking

And you beat down love

EVEN

Hey :p

We’re matching this year :p

We match every year

Can’t believe i fell for mutta’s crap

Interesting new best friend you have

Ugh

Did you tell the boys?

Tell them what?

What you wanted to tell them

Oh

No

Not yet

Ok

Just wanted to know if i could just walk up to you and kiss you

Shut up

Jk

I’m proud of you <3

<3

you look kinds cool in this

lol

Herman is good at this stuff

he should thank me for the blue hair though i guess?

i can give him your number if you want ;)

...

* * *

“Who are you texting?” said Magnus. “Literally all your friends are here.”

“Excuse me,” Isak scoffed. “You don’t know all my friends!”

“Anyways. We’re talking about very important stuff here, man. And you keep giggling at your phone,” said Magnus.

“He’s right. We’re teaching him the importance of going down on chicks,” Jonas added, the only sign of a costume being sunglasses he refused to take off.

Isak laughed then tucked his phone away.

“I don’t get what the fuss is about,” Magnus sighed. “Have you ever gone down on a chick, Isak?”

“Uh, no,” said Isak because it was true.

“Thank you!” said Magnus, holding his hand up for what Isak guessed was a high five. “See? I’m not the only sex ignorant fool around this room.”

“But I went down on guys,” said Isak very nonchalantly and sipping on his beer.

“Wait,” Mahdi started. “Guys?”

“Yeah,” Isak shrugged. “You know. Two letters. BJ.”

Mahdi and Magnus laughed while Jonas remained serious the entire time, eyeing Isak.

“Wait, are you serious?” Mahdi asked when he realized that Isak wasn’t joking.

“Yeah, man, I swear I did it. More than once, too,” said Isak. “It’s kind of a thing I do from time to time.”

Jonas actually laughed at that and gave him a thumbs up. “That’s cool man.”

“Thanks,” Isak laughed.

“Wait. So you’re pansexual, too?” said Mahdi.

“Wait, _you’re_ pansexual?” said Isak.

“No! I was talking about Even.”

“Oh,” Isak laughed. “Nah, I’m kind of gay. And by that I mean I’m really gay.”

“But. You’re friends with so many muslim guys?” said Magnus.

“Shut up, Mags,” Jonas groaned.

“What?”

.

Isak dragged Magnus through the mud for a little while for assuming the boys were homophobic. And when Even showed up to greet them, Isak let himself lean against him for a bit and smiled.

“What?” said Even, smiling, too.

“You can kiss me now. They know,” Isak laughed.

“Careful what you wish for,” Even winked before settling behind him, a hand on his stomach while Magnus, Jonas, and Mahdi squinted their eyes.

“Wait. So you two are actually a couple?” said Magnus.

“I wish!” Sonja yelled from her couch, apparently having listened to the entire conversation. “And please go down on chicks, Magnus. Please!”

.

“O Romeo, Romeo!” Isak chanted as Even poured both of them some water in Yousef’s kitchen.

“Well, you’re fucking drunk,” Even observed.

“So smart, you are! You made me watch that dumb Baz Luhrmann movie exactly twenty thousand times,” Isak laughed, nearly falling over if it weren’t for Even’s arm wrapping itself around his waist right on time.

“You could have just pulled me by the arm,” said Isak, feeling blood rush through his veins from being pressed against Even’s stupid armor.

“That’s not intimate enough,” said Even, raising his eyebrows playfully.

“Right,” Isak. “It’s not like I can feel you under all this metal.”

“Feel me,” Even repeated, looking a bit flustered.

_Not like that._

“What are Romeo and Juliet doing hiding in the kitchen?” said Eva, interrupting their little weird moment.

“Getting water, Ms. Tinkerbell,” said Even. “Juliet here has gotten accidentally trashed.”

“Piss off. I’m fine,” said Isak. “And don’t call me Juliet. Why am I Juliet? I hate it.”

“So grumpy, this boy,” Eva sighed.

.

“So like. Are you the woman or the man when you have sex?” said Magnus, while everyone around them brought their palm to their face.

“I don’t know. I was gonna ask you the same question, but I don’t think you’ve ever had sex,” said Isak, feeling smug as everyone burst into laughter.

“What the hell? I’m just trying to understand. Why are you roasting me?” said Magnus.

“Man, you really need to shut the hell up sometimes,” said Mahdi.

“I second that,” said Even, very awkwardly, his eyes careful when they landed on Isak’s face.

_Shut up._

“What the fuck?” Magnus lamented again. “And I’m not a virgin!”

“Oh yeah? Can you tell us about your first time then?” said Mahdi.

Isak was so entertained by this whole conversation that he let his head fall backwards on the couch and laughed every time someone burned Magnus, barely reacting when Even sat down next to him, a hand on his knee. The usual.

“Nobody wants to talk about their first time. Are you serious?” said Magnus.

“Why not?” said Sonja. “For us girls, it’s pretty shitty. But most guys are typically just happy to tell a story involving their dick.”

Elias asked Yousef if they had a fire extinguisher at that point because everyone was holding their stomachs and falling over, Isak included.

“Not all guys are like that,” Adam started, earning himself gagging sounds from both Noora and Sonja and an eyeroll from Sigrid.

“Some people have shitty first time stories. Perhaps, Magnus doesn’t want to talk about that,” said Mutta.

“Virgin solidarity,” Elias laughed high fiving three people around the room while Isak snorted on the couch.

“Oh shut up!” Mutta’s face actually flushed. And it took a second for Isak to realize that Noora was right _there._

“There’s nothing wrong with being a virgin,” said Noora, making everybody fall over in laughter like children in middle school.

Isak made a mental note to apologize to Mutta later.

“But yeah to be honest, I don’t think anyone is ever happy with their first time,” said Eva. “It’s a first time for a reason, cause there’s better times ahead.”

_What the._

“My first time was perfect,” Isak mumbled, finally opening his eyes and feeling overwhelmed by how everything was spinning around him. Spinning, spinning, spinning.

_I’m so fucking drunk._

“Well! Someone’s wasted,” said Mutta, suddenly getting up on his feet, probably to assess the damage. He looked on the verge of a panic attack.

“I’m fine, mom. Leave me alone,” Isak groaned.

“Isak. I’m gonna take you home. Yeah?” said Even in a voice so small, it was barely his. He sounded a little bit out of breath, too. He sounded nervous and flustered.

“Why?” said Isak. “I want to stay.”

“Baby, let’s go home, yeah?” Even whispered into his ear, his blue hair spinning, spinning, spinning.

_Baby._

“Okay.”

.

“Did I upset you?” said Isak, the moment Even lay him gently on his bed at Edvard’s house.

This was becoming a regular occurrence. Perhaps Isak had to work on that.

“No,” said Even. “You didn’t upset me, Isak.”

“Then why does it feel like I did?”

Even sighed then hooked both arms around Isak’s back.

“I have to remove your wings. Can you sit up for me?” said Even.

_Remove my wings._

“I can do anything for you,” Isak mumbled, making Even smile.

“The feeling is mutual,” he said, before unhooking the wings and tossing them on the floor.

“Is this how it feels to unhook a girl’s bra?” said Isak, his head still spinning, words simply rolling out of his tongue.

“No. I don’t think so,” said Even.

“How does it feel then?”

“You know how it feels.”

“Right,” Isak laughed. He knew how it felt. Of course.

"Did you buy a new suit by the way?" said Even. 

"No why?" 

"There was a suit on your bed. I just put it on your chair."

"Are you sure you're not drunk, too? I did not buy a suit," said Isak. 

"Oh, maybe Edvard got you one?" 

"What the hell?" Isak groaned.

"He asked me for your measurements a few weeks ago after we went to see Lea," said Even. "Perhaps he saw that your suit was literally about to pop because it doesn't fit anymore?"

"Oh my god!" Isak snorted. "Is Edvard literally my sugar daddy now?"

They both laughed because they were idiots. But Isak hoped he would remember this in the morning to properly talk to Edvard about it. 

“I’m gonna take off your shoes and your socks now,” said Even, moving down the bed to get to his feet.

“You’re an angel. You know that?” said Isak. “You should have dressed up as Juliet not me.”

“We can both be angels,” Even smiled. 

“Okay.”

.

Isak fell asleep before Even removed his shoes, and when he came to again, his feet were free and Even was sitting beside him in bed, his pauldrons and his chainmail shirt off. He was wearing one of Isak’s sweaters now.

“What time is it?” said Isak.

“23:55,” said Even. “You got drunk so fast. People are gonna give you shit.”

“It’s still Friday,” said Isak, not caring the slightest about how much of lightweight people were going to think he was.

“For the next four minutes or so at least.”

“Why did you rush me out of the party?” said Isak.

“Cause you were drunk. You hate it when you do weird stuff when you’re drunk and you always ask me to drag you back home before that happens.”

“I upset you,” Isak mumbled, both arms crossed over his face because the world was still spinning. “You’re lying to me.”

“No, I’m not,” said Even, sounding nervous. He never sounded this nervous.  

Isak sighed then did his best to sit up despite the spinning and the drinking. He sat up next to Even and turned to his side to touch his face because it was still Friday.

“Isak, I’m not upset. I promise you,” said Even.

“But I almost told everyone-. I promised.”

“Isak-” Even sighed, bringing his hand to Isak’s on his face, looking and sounding tired and wrecked.

“What time is it?”

“23:59,” said Even, his eyes blue, his hair blue, his heart blue.

Isak smiled before burying his free hand in Even’s hair while his other one cupped his face. There they were in Isak’s bed again, after a night that was supposed to be fun and harmless, yet again, holding each other as if the world was about to end, yet again.

“I will never drink alcohol again,” said Isak, making Even chuckle despite the awkward tension that had built between them.

“Okay.”

“But before that-”

“Hm?”

Isak pulled Even’s face closer in one swift movement, one hand on his cheek and the other in his hair. Everything was still spinning, but their lips were almost brushing against each other, their noses rubbing against one another.

"God. I love this. Being close to you like this."

“Isak,” Even whispered, but it sounded more like ‘please’ in his ears, so Isak leaned in.

“Thus with a kiss I die.”

Isak kissed him on the lips and hoped his hurt and love and pain bled through the touch. He hoped and he hoped and he hoped that an ounce of what he carried in his heart every minute of every hour of every day bled through that chaste kiss. He hoped.  

_‘Thus with a kiss I die.’_ Isak understood Romeo’s stupid words now.

Isak fell asleep before finding out if Even reciprocated. But it was okay. Because it was no longer Friday.

.

 

> _#8. Seventeen & Nineteen _
> 
> _“My first time was perfect because it was with him.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *runs*  
> this verse is consuming me and I'm just lghddjsdj. i start out with an idea and then it turns into something completely different, but here you go. hope you like it.  
> i love mutta with all my heart and i just really wanted to give him a voice in this verse. edvard is an angel who wants to shower isak with affection and things he never got to have. yes he got him that suit because he noticed his previous one was too small.  
> Even is in love with Isak but Isak is still confused because of everything that happened and because of Even's mixed signals. Isak doesn't know if it's dependency and physical attraction or if it's love. he doesn't know what Even wants or doesn't want. but then Even dyes his  
> hair blue because they always lie on the grass after visiting Lea and Even always towers over him and he could make the sky blue with his hair if the universe wasn't cooperating this year.  
> when you're so close to someone, it's so so so difficult to jump the shark and just kiss them because you feel like it. because what if you don't feel the same way tomorrow? what if you ruin everything you had today because you had to act on whim.  
> .  
> next chapter is christmas and we find out more about everything. isak and jonas get closer and Even travels for a thing, forcing Isak to confront his feelings in his absence. Also Edvard is just an absolute sweetheart.  
> .  
> thank you for the love. as always leave a comment if you felt something, anything <3  
> love youu.


	5. The First Time (2012)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even takes care of Isak then goes away for a little bit. Featuring Sonja and the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooo. i wasn't going to update tonight but then i got the sweetest anon and decided to push through it.  
> i didn't even fit half of what i had intended for this chapter in here. but i hope you enjoy it <3  
> warning: this is kind of smutty in some parts and you know how awkward i get about that. forgive me kfejf.
> 
> love u <3

_‘Thus with a kiss I die.’_

In his dream, Isak felt Even’s tongue against his own, wet and overwhelming but tender, prying his mouth open while he whimpered in his arms, throwing his head backwards and sighing into the now pressing kisses.

In his dream, Even gripped his sides and pulled him onto his lap. Urgent and desperate but sweet. So sweet. Sweet until Isak’s legs wrapped around his waist, until their chests flushed together, until the world stopped spinning and they were the only two people left on the planet. Kissing. Moaning. Burning. Just burning.

In his dream, Isak felt love and felt loved. In his dream, he didn’t waver. He didn’t wonder if his feelings were real or if he was just projecting his loneliness onto his favorite person in the world. He didn’t worry about ruining their friendship because what they had was far bigger than that, far more important. It transcended friendship. It transcended love. It transcended everything -- what they had. So Isak whimpered in his arms some more and melted in his embrace, yielding to every touch, leaning into every brush of his lips. He was his, wholeheartedly. Whatever Even wanted, Isak would give. So he parted his lips big and wide, wrapped both arms around Even’s neck, moaned, and kissed and kissed and kissed him.

Isak kissed him.

In his dream.

.

Isak woke up with his head pounding and his heart hammering inside his chest. His thoughts were a whirlwind of nonsense, an eclectic mix of memories from the previous night, remnants of weird dreams with no beginning and no end, and snapshots of his Intro to Engineering textbook. It felt like his brain could not pick a thought and stick to it. It wanted to take on everything all at once, leaving him confused and drained and exhausted.

He was almost confident that he was still a little bit drunk, but just a little bit.

That equation could solve itself later. He needed to throw up now.

_Not on the bed._

He climbed over the pillows that were keeping him warm to reach the end of the bed and almost screamed when a hand curled around his leg.

“Jesus!”

“What the fuck?” Even whined, his voice deep and groggy with a hint of pain.

Isak had just kneed him in the stomach. And those weren’t pillows.

“Fuck, I’m sorry!” Isak yelped before remembering why he was in such a rush.

He had barely made it to the bathroom when his stomach emptied itself in the toilet bowl, much to his horror. He felt disgusting. Isak hated throwing up. It made him feel like his insides were getting pumped, like he was being exorcised. Even always made fun of him for that analogy.  

_“That’s not how an exorcism works.”_

_“Shut the hell up!”_

His headache only got worse as he sat there on the floor, hugging the toilet seat and simply breathing, or at least trying.

He was thankful for having his own private bathroom because it gave him time to clean and pull himself together without worrying about someone -- Even or his mom -- having to use the toilet. He then grew mortified when he realized that Edvard could probably hear him throwing up. _Great,_ as if things weren’t embarrassing enough. He hadn’t even decided what he was going to tell him about the brand new suit. The suit which had been laying on his bed when Even brought him home.

_Even._

Even who had taken off his shoes and his wings and had cracked a few jokes. _Even._

_‘Thus with a kiss I die.’_

_Oh my god._

Isak threw up again. He hated it. He hated it so much. He squeezed the toilet seat until his knuckles turned white, until it hurt. Because he deserved it. He deserved it so much.

_I kissed him. I KISSED HIM._

Isak was a terrible person and he deserved the discomfort of getting his insides pumped. He deserved the dizziness and the headache and the stomach pain. He deserved all of it. He was a terrible person. The most terrible and selfish person in the world.

Isak was so busy loathing himself and recoiling into his own mind that he didn’t notice Even coming into the bathroom and running cold water onto his hands. He didn’t notice him crouching behind him and bringing his cold right hand to his sweaty and burning forehead.

“Iss. I got you,” Even breathed behind his neck making the hairs there rise immediately, like tiny little soldiers -- _like a boner,_ Isak thought before throwing up some more. _I’m disgusting_.

Even didn’t seem to notice Isak’s little mental crisis, too busy pushing his hair off his forehead and rubbing his back with his other hand. He always did this for him. Always. Isak couldn’t remember when it started. But it was way before Isak had even started drinking. It was back when he simply woke up with an upset stomach in the middle of the night because he had too much pasta for dinner or too much candy before going to bed.

Isak had always been jealous of Even for having a mother to nurse him when he was sick. But then somewhere along the line, Even started taking care of him and Isak wasn’t so jealous anymore.

“Go away. This is disgusting,” Isak whined weakly while his body instinctively leaned against the warm touch, soaking up all the comfort it could get.

“Nothing I haven’t seen before.”

Even stayed with him on the bathroom floor until Isak’s gag reflex was the only thing keeping them there. He kept rubbing his back and wetting his right hand with cold water before running it all over Isak’s face, halting when he got to the corners of his mouth to clean him.

Isak felt disgusting.

“God. I hate myself so much,” Isak moaned, both hands still clutching the toilet seat.

“We’ve all been there,” Even replied in a calm and composed voice. It was too detached, too polite. Isak hated it.

_I kissed you last night. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry._

“I really do,” Isak nearly whimpered, his shoulders sinking a bit lower, his back slouching a bit more. “I hate myself.”

There was an awkward pause then. He could still feel Even behind him, with his legs spread around his body, shielding him. He could still feel him, but it was as though he had shut down for a moment, as though his body heat had stopped spreading for a moment. It was too quiet, too careful. Isak couldn’t stand it.

“You’re so dramatic,” Even eventually sighed. “You got drunk like you always do and I brought you here like I always do. Then you threw up the next morning like you always do. No big deal.”

_But I kissed you._

“It’s like a casual Saturday morning for you,” Even added. “What are you even moaning about? You’re such a drama queen.”

“Fuck you,” Isak managed to mumble despite his splitting headache.

“There he is,” Even laughed against his back before leaving the floor to get back on his feet. “Let’s get you back to bed, little one.”

“Little one? Little one?! How dare you?”

The thing was that Isak knew what Even was doing. Deflection, banter, teasing. It was his go-to strategy. Even always took a few moments and disappeared into his own mind, leaving Isak with his thoughts and insecurities, then came back with a smile and a joke that would elicit a _‘fuck you’_ from Isak, then some more banter.

Isak knew this. He had helped him invent this. This was their thing for when things got weird and complicated. This was their _‘we’re not talking about what happened last night’_ thing. And Isak was perfectly fine with it when it was Even who broke the rules. But right now, his chest felt a little bit tight and his head threatening to explode wasn’t helping either. Isak felt selfish and guilty and ashamed. He felt ashamed.

“What are you still doing on the floor? Want me to carry you or something?” Even asked in a teasing tone, looking down at Isak who was still drowning in self-loathing.

He flipped him off and leaned on the toilet seat to get back on his feet, shoving Even on his way back to bed.

“That’s a bit rude. Don’t you think?” Even teased him again, his long slender body leaning on the door frame, both arms crossed over his chest.

“You’re an ass,” Isak rolled his eyes before falling face first on the bed.

“Yeah well, at least I don’t smell like one.”

“Fuck you,” Isak moaned again, his words muffled by the pillow he had landed on. It smelled like Even. It smelled like Even smelled in the morning. It smelled like Isak smelled when he spent the night tucked safely in his arms.

It was the pillow Even had used. God, Isak was probably going to end up dry humping that damn pillow when he was alone. _I hate myself._

“You need to take a shower,” Even said, his tone patronizing but still tender, always tender.

“And you need to leave my house,” Isak replied, turning his head to the side to look at Even. “Why are you even here?”

And perhaps Isak really wanted to know the answer to that question. This was the second time Even had slept over. Only this time, he didn’t really need to and he wasn’t holding him when Isak woke up.

“I fell asleep here,” Even shrugged. “I didn’t realize I needed authorization to sleep over now. You sure never asked for one when you crashed at mine for like three years.”

_Asshole._

“Asshole!” Isak groaned.

“We can have Mutta draft us a contract if you want. He studies law anyways,” Even continued, ignoring him. “I’ll only sleep over when your Majesty is alright with that. And by your Majesty, I mean you.”

“Even, I have no energy to respond to your lame shit right now. Kindly, piss off,” Isak muttered before throwing the covers over his head.

“We can even have rules and conditions in our contract. It can cover when it’s okay to banter and when it’s not, depending on your mood. It can also have a section on my sexuality in case that’s still ambiguous for you-”

“Did you watch Fifty Shades of Grey or some bullshit?!” Isak groaned, throwing the covers off of himself. “My head hurts! Stop talking about contracts!”

“Fifty Shades of Grey is about sex. We’re not having sex. Besides, I don’t think Mutta can draft a sex contract without dying from a heart attack, the prude thing,” Even shrugged then pulled out his phone which had just received a notification.

_‘We’re not having sex.’  ha ha ha._

Isak knew this was when he typically went _‘Gross. You creep. Why are you talking about us having sex_ ’. But his head really hurt, and he was sure he was on his way to a boner, as ridiculous as that sounded.

“Mutta is not prude,” Isak buried his face in the pillow again. “We talk about sex all the time.”

“What the hell?” Even shrieked in a voice so high, that Isak just had to open his eyes and look at him.

“What?”

“You talk about sex with Mutta?”

“Yeah, why?” Isak moved his leg up awkwardly to indicate that he was still engaged in the conversation.

“Are you kidding me?!”

“What?” Isak managed to huff out a laugh. “Why are you upset?”

“But Mutta doesn’t know anything about, uh, gay sex,” Even avoided his question instead.

_Gay sex._ Isak didn’t know what the two words left such a bitter taste in his mouth. _Gay sex._

“He doesn’t need to know things. He just needs to listen to me talk about it. Why are you upset?” Isak insisted.

“You always freak out when I bring it up and you’re telling me Mutta is your sex diary keeper?”

_Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? Do you seriously expect me to talk to you about sex?!_

Isak didn’t know what to say so he just lay there. He was still tired after all. His head was still pounding, and the pillow smelled so nice and so like Even. So he waited. He waited for Even to take a hint and leave, but he just stayed there.

He stayed there because freaking Tequila decided it was a good moment to enter the room and walk around like the beautiful and heartless _attention whore_ that she was. Isak hated her and he slid further down in his bed, still lying on his stomach to hide the problem between his legs, and trying to ignore Even’s ridiculousness.

“How are you, my princess?” Even cooed at the damn cat, his voice immediately registering in Isak’s brain and leaving its imprints there. _My princess. What the fuck._

“You like it when I stroke you like this. Don’t you, little kitten? Hm?” Even continued. “Such a good girl. Sweet one.”

_‘Little kitten’. My god._  

Isak bit the _damn_ pillow under the sheets and hoped Even couldn’t see or tell why his back was arching under his duvet. Even who was right there by the doorframe while Isak lost his mind. He was probably still drunk. Because who got turned on by their best friend stroking their damn cat at nine in the morning while they were right there?

“So good for me, angel,” Even whispered out there and Isak felt it. Isak heard it. “So sweet. Look at you.”

_God. Even!_

The thought might have escaped Isak’s mouth in the form of a moan, because when he threw the covers off himself in total panic to look at Even under the doorframe, his mouth was hanging open, his face was flushed, and he was holding Tequila in his arms.

He was so pretty.

“Uh, Yeah?” said Even, his eyes wide, his hair blue, and his chest heaving abnormally.

_I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up._

“I really need to take a nap now,” said Isak burying his face deeper into the pillow.

“Uh. Okay.”

.

Even left and Isak watched porn until he felt like he could breathe again.

_‘So good for me. Kitten. So good. Sweet one.’_

He bit into the damn pillow to stop himself from doing something even more stupid like moan Even’s name or something. He then lay in bed and stared at the ceiling until the feeling of utter shame washed itself away.

_I’m such a fuck-up._

And he was. He couldn’t function for the rest of the day, the one and only thought racing through his mind being the feeling of Even’s lips against his own after the longest time. So soft. So warm. So wet. So perfect.

He felt both horrified and elated. And his heart only grew ten-fold bigger as the day went on because he wasn’t so convinced that it was just a peck anymore. Because somehow his perfect dream was bleeding into reality. Because he almost felt butterflies in his stomach now.

Memory or dream? Isak couldn’t tell. But it didn’t even matter. Because Even had stayed the night and because the butterflies were beating the guilt that had settled at the pit of his stomach, too.

Isak wondered how Even felt. He wondered if he brushed it off as Isak being a drunk brat again, or if he was also rolling around in bed like this with his heart in his throat, too. Isak wondered.

* * *

**Romeo**

**16:19**

What are you doing?

Lying in bed

You?

Lying in bed

Feeling better?

Yea

Thanks for earlier

In the bathroom

Not the contract bullshit

Anytime :)

What are you thinking about

right now

You want the real answer or the bullshit answer?

The real answer

You

Me being a drunk mess?

You being you

So a drunk mess

Whatever floats your boat Mr. Valtersen

What was the bullshit answer

I didn’t have one

...

What are YOU thinking about?

Steve Harrington’s character  
development in Stranger Things

Is that your bullshit answer?

He was the best in season 2

What’s your real answer

What are you thinking about?

About how you have ties  
but you never wear  
them. It got me thinking

About what?

Who do you tie to your bed  
you kinky fucker

Hahaha wtf

Ughh sorry

I wish someone would tie me to a bed :(

Uhh ok

I thought you wanted me  
to talk to you about sex

Not so confident now huh?

You talk to mutta about being tied to a bed?

No i’m just fucking with you

I need a new best friend

And I need a boyfriend

...

I also need to thank Edvard for the suit but i don’t know how

Why am i so awkward

:)

Just have dinner with him

I think he’ll appreciate it

I think he would have been happier with someone like you living with him

Why would anyone wanna live with a mental case like me?

even YOU ended up leaving me

How many times do i have to tell you that “It’s not you. It’s me.”

Every time you say this i feel like you break up with me

And it doesn’t mean i’m not a mental case

What did we say about self-deprecating bullshit :)

Says the guy who was moaning about hating himself all morning

I’m over it now

I love myself now

Well i hope i get to that one day

Even..

<3

Alright i’m done being a loser for the day

Gonna go do stuff

Stuff like what

Like not think about you  
throwing up all morning

Shit rude

:p

* * *

Isak’s heart had calmed down by the time darkness swallowed the sky, and there was nothing but guilt left in his chest, no more butterflies. He had declared guilt as the victor the moment Even admitted he was thinking about him, because none of it was fair. They had rules and boundaries for a reason. And Isak wasn’t being fair to Even when he acted on a whim and planted a kiss to his mouth.

He sighed, took another shower, then cleaned the bathroom a second time.

.

“Fun night?” Edvard asked, swiveling in his chair to greet Isak who had just stepped into the living room.

“Hello,” Isak greeted him awkwardly, hoping Edvard couldn’t tell that he was hungover and that he had spent the entire morning vomiting. “How are you?”

“I’m alright,” Edvard replied, his wrinkled hands stroking Tequila as she slept on his lap. She looked comfortable and warm. Isak was almost jealous. “Are you feeling better?”

“Hm?”

“Sounds like you had a rough night yesterday.”

Isak was mortified. Of course Edvard had heard him empty the insides of his stomach in the bathroom. Of course.

“I had Tequila. I can’t really handle Tequila,” Isak admitted with a blush, shoulders hunched, only looking up when he heard Edvard burst into laughter.

_Right. Tequila._

It was such a heartwarming sound. So full of life for someone who was nearing its end.

“I have noticed,” said Edvard. “She’s quite a handful, this one.”

Isak laughed, too. He doubted his laughter was as joyful as Edvard but it was lighthearted and it felt nice to just laugh.

“You should laugh more often,” said Edvard. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you laugh.”

His roommate was almost a century old and he still managed to made Isak squirm with simple words. He wasn’t sure why he was always blushing under his attention and kind words, but he couldn’t help it. And he didn’t want to. It filled him with so much warmth.

“Even says I should laugh more often, too,” Isak blurted out because it was true, barely registering what he had said when he noticed Edvard’s softening expression.

“I think Even and I care for you very much.”

Isak stood there with a hand on one of the couches, feeling a little bit silly and sheepish. He felt like a boy with a crush talking to his mom about it. He had never felt like this before.

“Speaking of your blue friend, he left some food in the kitchen before leaving,” said Edvard, now clearing his throat and turning his attention back to the TV as if he had noticed how uncomfortable Isak was.

But Isak wasn’t uncomfortable. He was beyond comfortable and that was what made everything so weird.

“You should go get some and then join me on the couch if you want. Forrest Gump is playing on TV,” said Edvard with a hint of nervousness in his voice.

Isak couldn’t help but smile to himself. This man just wanted company and for the first time in a while, Isak felt like fulfilling his wish.

“Okay,” said Isak then watched Edvard’s face break into a ridiculous smile.

“Okay?”

“Yeah okay,” Isak smiled, too.

“But it’s Saturday night,” Edvard added as if he couldn’t believe Isak had finally agreed to spend some time with him.

“And there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”

_Okay._ Maybe that was a little too much, and it did make Isak feel weird when he left for the kitchen.

_‘There’s nowhere else I’d rather be’. Fucking idiot._

But Edvard was happy, and at the end of the day, it was all it mattered.

.

_Heat up the soup like I showed you last time and drink it!_

_I’ll know if you don’t._

_I spent so much time on it while you slept. Just ask Edvard._

_-Your mom (Even)_

_PS: Drink. Your. Soup._

_PPS: I’d gladly tie you to a bed_

.

Isak looked at the note placed by the cold food and snorted. Even was an idiot. An idiot who made him disgusting soup with fresh vegetables to help him recover from his drunken escapades. Sometimes, Isak felt like Even valued his body more that he did.

Isak decided not to make a big deal out of the last sentence and placed his food on a tray before heading back to the living room to spend time with Edvard.

It was nice. Eating his disgusting yet yummy soup while Edvard did the commentary for the entire damn movie. He was even worse than Even. Isak couldn’t believe it.

“I watched this movie maybe twenty times,” said Edvard. “And every time I do, I still discover or notice something new. Isn’t it incredible?”

“It is,” Isak smiled. “Even says that all the time.”

_Even does this. Even does that._ Isak was annoyed with himself for always bringing him into everything. He couldn’t even imagine how others felt having to deal with his obsession with his best friend.

“Does he like Forrest Gump?” Edvard asked instead, a soft smile curling his lips and deepening the creases on his forehead.

“He does,” Isak admitted. He felt as though Edvard could read right through him anyways. “He made me watch it twice.”

“He’s a good friend. It’s a very important movie,” said Edvard.

“Important, huh,” Isak smiled.

“I’m curious,” Edvard turned his head to look at Isak who was sitting on the opposite couch. “What did you get out of the movie?”

Isak stretched his limbs and scratched the back of his neck, unsure if this was a trick question.

“I don’t know. That life is like a box of chocolate?” Isak joked. He knew the movie was more than that but he couldn’t help it.

But Edvard didn’t laugh. He didn’t frown either. He just kept his kind eyes on Isak for a fraction longer than necessary, as if he was analyzing him.

“What’s the saddest scene in the movie to you?” said Edvard.

“When Jenny dies,” Isak replied without hesitating. _“Mama always said death was part of life.”_

Isak had cried the first time he watched it because it reminded him of Lea, much to Even’s heartbreak.

“It’s very sad indeed. My wife’s death still haunts me,” said Edvard.

“I’m sorry,” Isak replied sheepishly.

“Don’t be,” Edvard laughed. “It was years ago.”

“Grief doesn’t have a deadline,” Isak said, echoing Even and Mutta’s words and feeling like so out of character.

Edvard looked at him like he was taken off guard and it made Isak feel proud for a second.

“You’re wise,” Edvard smiled. “I knew it.”

Isak laughed awkwardly and brought a pillow to his lap. “I’m alright sometimes.”

“I think you would laugh all the time if you were wise with your heart as well,” said Edvard.

“Huh?”

“For me the most heartbreaking scene is when Jenny rejects Forrest and he tells her that he’s not a smart man, but that he knows what love is. Gets me every time,” Edvard smiled again, that warm, kind smile.

Isak wasn’t sure what that had to do with him smiling and being _wise with his heart._

“I don’t understand,” Isak admitted.

Edvard smiled again before gently depositing Tequila on the floor and reaching for the remote to turn off the TV in the middle of the movie.

“I think your friend made you watch Forrest Gump for a reason,” said Edvard. “And I think I need to go to bed.”

* * *

  **Romeo**

**22:19**

Hi

What’s the saddest scene in forrest gump to you?

When Jenny dies

Why

Cool thanks

Why

Just rewatched it with Edvard

What’s your favorite scene?

Life is like a box of chocolate

Lol stop lying

Everything okay?

Yeah

Thanks for the soup

It was disgusting as usual

;)

* * *

**97ers (+ Isak)**

**23:08**

Elias: isak last night

Elias:

Die

Sonja: that’s not very nice

Mutta: That was you last weekend though Elias

Adam: true

Elias: I don’t look like beyonce when i’m drunk

?

And I do??

Elias: wait

Elias: was that homophobic?

DIE

Even: he wasn’t that drunk

Adam: boy was about to start writing a song about how he lost his virginity

Adam: lmfao

FUKC YOU

**Mutta removed Adam from this groupchat**

Mutta: guys are we talking about that new stranger things season or what :)

Sonja:

Even: no spoilers please :)

Elias: why would you remove Adam wtf?

Mutta: hm?

Mutta: oh

Mutta: didn’t do that on purpose wtf

Sonja:

[ ](https://i.ytimg.com/vi/OGAu_DeKckI/hqdefault.jpg)

Elias just added Adam to this groupchat

Adam: wtf?

I’m going to bed

Yousef: it’s saturday

Congrats on correctly identifying the day of the week

Mikael: why is Isak extra pissy tonight?

Even: he just watched forrest gump. He’s just sad

Elias: you 2 are having a romantic movie night again? :’)

Sonja: Even’s at my place

Elias: what a plot twist

Mutta:

Sonja: relax

Sonja: we’re talking about Isak’s kinks

Wtf

Elias:

Yousef: is that Mike from stranger things :’)

Mutta: why are you talking about Isak

Sonja: apparently Isak needs someone to talk to about sex

Sonja: buddy hit me up

What the fuck?

Sonja: Even said you talk to mutta about this stuff

Mutta: ??

Even: I DIDNT SAY THAT

Even I WILL KILL YOU

Even: she’s TWISTING MY WORDS

* * *

Isak groaned and threw his phone away before pulling up the new season of Stranger Things and falling asleep in the middle of the third episode.

_What a shame._

The following morning was rather uneventful. Isak had breakfast with Edvard, the Forrest Gump talk replaying in his mind the entire time, then rolled his eyes when he got a text from Sonja.

* * *

**  
Sonja**

**11:09**

Meet me?

No

Pls

I hate you

Kebab. My treat

* * *

Isak agreed to meet her and wore his sweatpants because they felt comfortable. He also made sure to show up seven minutes late because he knew she hated it when people showed up late.

Isak was always brat when it came to Sonja, even when she was so good to him. He couldn’t help it sometimes.

“You look cozy,” she said as he stepped into the kebab place, running her fingers through his messy hair. “Cute.”

“I’m gay,” Isak sighed while she cupped his face with one hand, making his mouth take on weird shapes like a baby.

“You’re such a brat,” she said, eventually letting go of his face to settle on one of the stools.

“I’m hungry,” Isak groaned. “Feed me.”  

“Hug me first,” she demanded, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

“You humiliated me in that groupchat last night!”  

“You once called me a bitch!” Sonja yelled right back.

“That was years ago!”

“I don’t care. Hug. Me.”

Isak knew fighting Sonja was almost a lost cause. Besides, he needed food in him and she was offering to pay.

“Fine,” he sighed before leaving his stool and embracing her rather reluctantly at first, then giving in completely.

Sometimes, Isak forgot how much bigger and taller he was. Sonja was so tiny in his arms, rising on her tiptoes to meet him halfway. It was almost adorable.

“You give the best hugs, you little shit,” she said into his neck, her arms tightening around him.

“I only tolerate you when we’re hugging,” said Isak, now rocking both of them in the middle of the kebab restaurant. “Also you smell so nice, what the fuck.”

“New body wash.”

.

They sat down and ate their food after Sonja explained the title of the book she was reading _‘I Love Dick.’_

“I’d certainly read it if it was about, you know, _DICK,”_ said Isak, laughing into his food.

“Speaking of dick. It’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about,” said Sonja, swiveling in her chair to face Isak.

“Huh?”

“If you want to talk about stuff, you can, you know, talk to me.” She seemed nervous and Isak wasn’t sure what to say.

“What the hell?”

“I mean. The guys are constantly talking about banging chicks and I have my girl friends I can talk to about dick. But sometimes, I feel like you don’t have anyone to talk to about that stuff,” she said, almost stammering and Isak could tell how uncomfortable she was having this conversation with him.

“No offense, but I’m fine.”

“I know you are. But people typically stick around with people with similar taste in things because they’re more comfortable talking about what they want with them. With no shame. You know. I’m just saying-”

“I am not ashamed of my sexuality!” Isak interjected, his face heating up. Probably because she had a point, but also probably because sometimes he wished he could talk about how hot some guy was.

“I never said you were! I’m just-. I’m just saying that I like dick. And you like dick. So we can talk about liking dick, sometimes. If you want. Like if you want to spare Mutta the details.”

She then took a bite of her kebab and Isak watched her swallow gracefully. He never knew how she managed to do everything so gracefully.

“Did Mutta put you up to this?” said Isak.

“Even.”

_Of fucking course._

“I’ll think about it,” said Isak.

“Cool.”

“Okay. Cool.”

.

.

“I knew you were a jealous asshole, but this is too much,” said Isak the moment he spotted Even’s lean body against the wall outside Edvard’s house.

“What?” Even smiled, watching Isak walk closer to him.

“You asked Sonja to be my sex therapist so I wouldn’t tell Mutta something I don’t tell you?” Isak grabbed his keys from his back pocket to open the door. “An all time low.”

He pushed the door open and walked inside, knowing that Even would be behind him. He was.

“It wasn’t because of Mutta. I just realized that you didn’t have someone to talk to about that. That’s all,” said Even, as he put his bag on the floor. It was a large bag, too.

“Where are you going?” Isak asked, making his way to the kitchen for some water. “Also why would you worry about that? You’re so weird.”

“Traveling for a class,” said Even. “I’ll be back in like two weeks. And you know it’s like my job to look out for you.”  

“Huh?” Isak closed the fridge and turned around to face Even.

“‘Huh’ cause looking out for you is like my job or ‘Huh’ because of the traveling?” said Even.

“Which class?”

“Photography.”

“You’re not taking photography,” Isak frowned.

“No. But that guy Herman talked to his Professor and they’re bringing me along.”

“What?”

It turned out that the photography class traveled North for a few weeks during the semester to take on Norway’s gorgeous landscape, and that for some reason Even was invited to tag along because he was a ‘good model’.

“What about _your_ classes?”

“I don’t have to be there. I’ll get someone’s notes,” Even shrugged.

“Are you crazy?”

“Not right now. But sometimes, I am. Yeah,” Even smiled, then smiled some more when Isak knocked his fist against his chest.

“Don’t joke about that!” Isak frowned.

“Oops. My bad, Mom.” Even stuck his tongue out while Isak rolled his eyes.

“So when are you leaving?”

“In an hour,” said Even.

“What the hell?”

.

It had taken Isak some time, but he could typically tell when Even was walking into an episode with open arms. The symptoms were pretty straightforward. Even typically started spending a lot of money, taking on new endeavors, not caring about things he would normally care about, caring about things he normally wouldn’t care about, and kissing him, kissing him a whole lot.

They had kissed on Friday but that was mostly Isak’s fault. It was also just a peck, unless his dream was more than that, a dream. Even wasn’t spending more than usual and he wasn’t being more unpredictable than usual. If anything, Even was still Even, but Isak couldn’t help but worry.

Even volunteering to take on someone’s spot after they canceled at the very last minute could classify as ‘taking on new endeavors’.

“I know what you’re thinking,” said Even.

“I know you know what I’m thinking.”

“I’m not going fucking crazy if that’s what you’re wondering,” Even hissed. It was almost harsh.

“I didn’t say that.”

“I know you’re still gonna think what you think. And I won’t try to convince you. But I hope you’ll give me the benefit of a doubt.”  
.

_A couple of weeks._ Isak wasn’t used to being separated from Even for that long. Sure, sometimes they simply didn’t talk for weeks. But Even was always a short car ride away. Isak knew he would come running to him if he needed him. But this was different. Even was going to be physically unreachable for a couple of weeks. And Isak wasn’t sure how he felt about that. The only time they had been separated for that long was when Even had been admitted to a hospital and wasn't allowed visitors.

He also didn’t know he felt about Even literally running away two days after they had shared a kiss for the first time in a while.

But it was probably in his head. It was just a peck. Isak could barely remember it. Perhaps, Even didn’t either.

It was just a couple of weeks.

.

The first days were a bit weird. Isak kept feeling annoyed at the lack of updates and texts from Even. He didn’t typically get upset when he took his sweet time responding to his texts, but now that he was away, he couldn’t help but stare at his phone until Even reacted to the meme he had sent him. He couldn’t help but overthink everything and wonder if Even met some pretty girl in the mountains or if that Herman guy wanted to take some more intimate pictures of him in a cozier setting, if he had him spread and split open in the woods now that Even was pansexual.

_He’s always been pansexual. Stop being a dick._

Isak couldn’t help but overthink and feel jealous and bitter and left behind. He realized that he couldn’t really function when he didn’t know where Even was, if he was eating or sleeping or sitting in some boring class. He realized that he couldn’t really function when he didn’t know who Even was spending time with, whose legs he was spreading, whose cat he was petting, or who he was spreading his legs for. Isak didn’t know and he couldn’t really sleep, checking his phone over and over again, hoping for a text, or a DM, or a snap, or an insta video, or a tag in some stupid meme, or anything at all.

Isak was obsessed and he wondered if it had been like that for Even, too. He wondered if Even felt like that about him on Fridays.

Isak didn’t know a damn thing.

On the fourth day, he tried a new strategy and put his phone on airplane mode when he was attending classes. That way when he turned it off, notifications would start pouring in and he would feel happy when he got a text or two from Even. Except, that there weren’t any.

_No big deal. He’s just busy._

“Iss, you good?” Mutta and Jonas asked during lunch.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” he replied, irritated and irritating.

On the fifth day, some girl tagged Even in a post on instagram and Isak’s chest shrunk a bit in Discrete Math class, something like jealousy and frustration seeping through his veins.

* * *

**Sonja**

**18:23**

I need to get laid

Lol

Ok

Hello

:((((

What’s up?

You said i can talk to you about sex sometimes

I said sex not lack of sex

Piss off

I’m joking

What did you have in mind?

Don’t you have that app? Grindr or something?

I don’t know

I can come over

Find you a beau

I’ll come to your place

What’s wrong with yours?

Where do you even live?

I’m on my way

* * *

Sonja picked a random guy and wouldn’t let Isak see his face or his name.

“You’re nuts,” Isak groaned.

“You need to live a little,” she said, stretching her legs on her bed.

“You can’t do that. I can’t just go meet some guy without even knowing his name,” Isak groaned.

“It’s okay. He knows yours,” she winked.

“That makes no sense. Describe him at least.”

Apparently, the lucky guy was a tall blonde with a toned chest and hazel eyes according to Sonja who tapped Isak on the bum on his way out.

“Climb him like a tree,” she rawred. This silly girl.

Isak didn’t know why he had agreed to this. It didn’t make sense at all. He knew Sonja was plotting something. But for some reason, he went along with it because he was beyond sick and tired of looking at his phone and waiting for texts from someone he couldn’t afford to love.

.

Vidar was waiting in the little coffee shop Sonja had picked, and Isak almost left the moment he spotted him.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw your message,” said Vidar when Isak finally made up his mind and walked over to him. He was still as handsome as ever, his eyes brown, his hair a brownish blonde, his body lean and muscular.

“Long time no see,” said Isak, feeling something curl inside his stomach. This couldn’t possibly be a good idea.

“We got some catching up to do,” Vidar smiled.

.

Isak did climb him like a tree. Or at least, he tried. He did his best to close his eyes and meet Vidar halfway every time he pushed their hips together and wrapped his arms around his back, every time he knocked them against some piece of furniture, giggling into Isak’s neck.

At some point, he wondered if Vidar was trying to show off all the furniture he had or he was simply trying to leave him with bruises all over his body.

Isak considered just going home but the problem between his legs demanded attention, and he couldn’t spend another night moaning into the damn pillow that no longer smelled like Even.

_What am I doing?_

Vidar picked him up with hungry eyes and placed him on his kitchen counter with a dirty smile at the corner of his mouth.

“So are we actually gonna fuck this time or are you gonna run back to him again?”

. 

 

> **#8 Seventeen and Nineteen**
> 
> Isak was seventeen when he decided that he was ready, that it was time, that it was going to happen. He was going to have sex with his boyfriend of two weeks, Vidar -- his very first boyfriend, too -- and it was going to be great. Isak wasn’t a girl after all. He didn’t need to have feelings for a guy to _fuck_ him.
> 
> “That’s sexist and wrong on so many levels,” said Even, his eyes a bit wider than usual, a bit shinier than usual. He was almost glowing, uncontainably. It was as if something was bursting inside of him and waiting to burst right out, to swallow everything in its way.  
> 
> Isak was almost convinced that Even was having an episode. But they didn’t talk about it. They weren’t even talking, barely brushing past each other in the hallway and in the kitchen in Even’s house.
> 
> It was their first time talking in a few weeks, and Isak knew he should have said something about all the drinking and partying and lack of sleep, but he couldn’t. He was too angry.
> 
> Isak knew that Even had probably slept with Sonja because he was on a high, because he loved and craved beautiful things when he was on a high, and because Sonja was a beautiful thing. Isak understood. But it still stung. It still hurt.
> 
> _“Are you mad?”_ Even had asked him the night he found Sonja in his bed.
> 
> _“Why would I be mad?”_ Isak replied with a question, biting his lower lip before slamming the bedroom door, locking himself in the bathroom, and crying for maybe an hour.
> 
> Isak was fucking furious and heartbroken.
> 
> Isak was so furious and heartbroken that he smiled at that Vidar guy who probably only liked him because he was the one openly gay boy in Bakka who didn’t wear eyeliner.
> 
> Isak ground his teeth remembering Even’s comment about internalized homophobia. _“You can wear eyeliner if you want, Isak.” Oh, fuck off._
> 
> Isak was so furious and heartbroken that he went out with Vidar a few times before letting him take him into his mouth in a bathroom stall at the movie theater.
> 
> Isak was so furious and heartbroken that when Vidar referred to him as his boyfriend on the third day, he didn’t bother correcting him.
> 
> _“You have a boyfriend now?”_ Even had asked one morning while they still weren’t talking.
> 
> _“I have a boyfriend now.”_
> 
> Things were weird because Isak wasn’t used to being angry at Even. He almost didn’t know how to be angry at him. He always felt like suggesting a movie and forgetting about it, but then he noticed how annoyed Even looked whenever he saw Isak with Vidar at school, as if he had the right to be annoyed. And it made him angry all over again. They lived in a cycle of angst and weirdness.
> 
> Even believed that Isak was trying to prove a point, and he told him one night after one too many joints, but Isak wasn’t. This wasn’t about _him._ This was about Isak and his needs. Even could go _fuck himself._ Or Sonja. Whatever.
> 
> Isak didn’t even have the energy nor the will to press a thumb to a wound that was barely healing. So if Even decided to be pissed at him for having a boyfriend, then be it.
> 
> _Why do you even fucking care._
> 
> .
> 
> But here they were. Isak wasn’t talking to Even. He was seventeen and he was doing his best to fall out of love with his straight best friend who somehow still got jealous. He was doing his very best, and his very best included staying as far away as possible from Even’s room. But he was on a mission, and he hadn’t had time to buy condoms for his “first time” with Vidar. So he sneaked into Even’s room to steal some, only to get caught red handed.
> 
> _shit._
> 
> “Are you going to have sex with a girl again?” said Even in a nonchalant voice, shrugging.
> 
> “Fuck you,” Isak replied with a frown.
> 
> “Sorry, I forgot you didn’t actually have sex with Sara.”
> 
> Isak had barely taken off her bra, struggling for a good three minutes, before he had decided to apologize and flee. It was before he came out though. It was okay. Even was just bringing it up to hurt him. _Whatever._
> 
> “Whatever, Even!”
> 
> Isak shoved him hard in the chest with his elbow before making his way to the hallway. He was fuming. His face was flushed and he could barely breathe. But then his instincts kicked in and he immediately regretting shoving him. It was petty and mean and he hated hurting Even like that.
> 
> “I’m sorry,” said Isak as he turned around. “Didn’t mean to push you. I mean I did, but I didn’t want to hurt you like that.”
> 
> “Who are the condoms for?” Even said instead, his eyes intense, so intense, his tall figure leaning against the doorframe like he didn’t have a single care in the world but had all of them all the same. Isak’s skin was prickling.
> 
> “Why do you care?”
> 
> “You’ve never had sex before,” said Even and it felt like a slap.
> 
> _‘You don’t know that!’_ Isak felt like saying. But he knew. Even knew everything Isak did, everywhere he went, everything he felt. Even was obsessed with Isak, and Isak was obsessed with being his obsession. It was pathetic but he loved the attention. He loved the pestering and the questioning and the possessiveness. He loved knowing that Even couldn’t sleep when Isak was out there sucking on Vidar’s tongue. He loved knowing that Even couldn’t function when Isak looked at anyone else or kissed another pair of lips on Friday nights. Isak loved it. He basked in it. It was selfish and horrible. And he knew that Even deserved a better friend. He knew it. But he was too hurt to care.
> 
> “So what?” Isak said instead.
> 
> “Are they for Vidar?” said Even. “The condoms.”
> 
> “I don’t want to fucking talk about it.”
> 
> “Answer me,” Even insisted with a soft voice, still, his eyes boring into his, almost all pupil now, dark, dark, dark. He probably had no idea how big the fire he had just set to Isak’s insides was.
> 
> _This is so unfair._
> 
> “Even, I hate this,” Isak pleaded. He didn’t. He didn’t hate this. He loved this. He wished Even could look at him like that for the rest of time.
> 
> “I need to make sure you’re being safe. Your parents may not be around but someone needs to give you the safe sex talk.”
> 
> “Are you kidding me?! You’re not my dad.”
> 
> Isak was suddenly mortified. He knew Even was obsessed with him but he didn’t know the roots of this obsession. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know. Sometimes, he convinced himself it was jealousy to flatter himself. Some other times, he felt as though Even felt responsible for him like an older brother. Both thoughts felt extremely unsettling at the time.
> 
> “Do you have to have sex with him?” Even asked, ignoring his tantrum. “I mean you just started seeing this guy and you like him from what I’ve gathered. Isn’t having sex gonna ruin everything? I mean don’t you want to wait?”
> 
> “I’m not a girl, Even. I don’t need to have feelings for him to fuck him,” Isak lied. He was a liar. He was a blatant liar. _Feelings are all I have._
> 
> “That’s sexist and wrong on so many levels,” said Even. Of course.
> 
> “Yeah well, at least I’m not sleeping with a girl who’s had feelings for me since childhood.”
> 
> Even’s face fell after that. _Touché._ Sonja. Everyone knew Sonja loved Even but that he didn’t love her back. Everyone knew Even felt terrible and guilty for sleeping with her. Everyone knew better than to talk about it.
> 
> “Sorry,” Isak mumbled. He hated hurting him.
> 
> “I hate it when you hurt me then immediately apologize. It makes me feel even worse. Just let me hurt,” said Even. “All we have is hurt. When you apologize, you’re robbing me of my right to hurt.”
> 
> _What the hell._
> 
> “I really don’t have time for this,” said Isak, exhausted. Everything was exhausting.
> 
> “We can talk about me later. This is about you having sex,” said Even, backing him up a bit more against the wall and closing the door behind them.
> 
> “What are you doing?” Isak’s eyes widened.
> 
> “Mom’s walking the hallways,” said Even.
> 
> “I really have to go!” said Isak. “You can be my father and teach me about safe sex some other time.”
> 
> “You’re trying to steal condoms. That’s a good thing though,” Even ignored his jab.
> 
> “A good thing?!”
> 
> “Do you have lube, though?” Even added, scanning his outfit and pockets.
> 
> “What the fuck?” Isak shrieked, taking a step back, his back nearly hitting the wall.
> 
> “Lube is essential, Isak,” Even responded calmly.
> 
> "Since when are you an authority on gay sex?!”
> 
> Isak could see himself throwing a tantrum and screaming like an angry teenager while Even answered calmly. Isak almost wondered who the manic person was here.  
> 
> “I looked it up,” Even shrugged.
> 
> _Don’t shrug. Damn it. Please stop._
> 
> “Why?”
> 
> “What do you mean why? I knew this day would come,” said Even, a hand reaching up to Isak’s gray hoodie, pulling at the strings.
> 
> Even had bought him that hoodie. Isak was going to have another guy take off the hoodie Even had gotten him. Isak was going to be pinned under some other guy while the hoodie Even had gotten him lay on his bedroom floor.
> 
> “I got you this hoodie,” Even said.
> 
> “You looked up gay sex for me?” Isak asked instead. “Like single dads look up periods for their daughters or some shit?”
> 
> “Yeah,” Even breathed, pulling at both strings, not meeting his eyes.  
> 
> “What the hell is wrong with you?” Isak hissed.
> 
> “Anyways, I have a bottle of lube under my bed if you want to steal that too,” said Even. “Or you know what? Just take it. For my own peace of mind.”
> 
> Isak knew. Isak knew that he shouldn’t hold this against him. He knew that he should be understanding and not take anything to heart. But he felt paper thin pressed against his bedroom wall like that. He felt paper thin and fragile. He felt bare. Everything Even said or did hurt him. Everything.
> 
> “Why do you have a bottle of lube in the first place?” said Isak. “That’s more than looking up gay sex.”
> 
> "Just in case,” said Even.
> 
> “Just in case what?” said Isak.
> 
> “You know what.”
> 
> He wasn’t sure how they had ended up crammed in the corner of Even’s room by the door. He wasn’t sure how such a promising day had turned into talking about condoms and lube with tears in their eyes. Isak wasn’t sure.
> 
> “I fucking hate you,” Isak barked in his face with a lump in his throat. “I hate you so much. I fucking hate you. With all my heart. I hate you!”
> 
> But when Even leaned in ever so gently, Isak closed his eyes and rested his temple against his cheek, whimpering. _I don’t hate you. I don’t hate you. I don’t hate you._
> 
> “Make sure he takes his time opening you up,” Even whispered in his ear, hot, and heavy, and cruel, breaking him, completely shattering him.
> 
> He then pressed a kiss to his cheek, soft and tender, right before Isak shoved him hard, so hard, and stormed off with condoms, no lube, and a broken heart.
> 
> “Have fun,” he heard Even say behind him.
> 
> .
> 
> Isak was straddling Vidar in bed, his legs shaking because he was too nervous, because he didn’t know where to start, because he didn’t know if he wanted this, because the only thing on his mind was Even, because the only words playing in his head were _‘make sure he takes his time opening you up.’_
> 
> He was straddling him and doing his best to kiss him back when his phone vibrated in his backpocket.
> 
> Isak knew who it was. He knew what it was about. He knew he should have ignored it, but he still reached for it.
> 
> _._
> 
> **Even**
> 
> **20:19**
> 
> Don’t fuck him
> 
> It’s killing me
> 
> .
> 
> Isak went to Mutta’s place and they smoked weed until his limbs were floating, until the tightness in his chest was replaced with mushiness and weirdness, until all he could feel was Mutta’s stomach moving under his head while they both laughed at something stupid that he couldn’t recall five minutes later. Mutta was the best. Always had been.
> 
> “You good?” he asked.
> 
> Isak told him that he wasn’t. He told him that he didn’t have sex with Vidar because he was in love with someone else.
> 
> “Even?”
> 
> “No,” Isak lied. “What the hell? Even is fucking straight.”
> 
> “No, he’s not,” said Mutta.
> 
> “Are you high or what? Yes, he’s straight.”
> 
> “First of all, yes, I’m high. Second, no he’s not!”
> 
> Isak didn’t have sex with Vidar because he was in love with someone he couldn’t afford to love. He wanted to have sex so bad, but not with him. He didn’t want his first time to be this ugly and stupid. He didn’t tell him that, but he made sure to break up with him before heading out. This whole game was beyond silly, anyways.
> 
> But he didn’t want to go back home too early either. He didn’t want Even to think that it was his stupid text that deterred him from doing it. Isak wondered if he would have gone through it if the text never came. _Probably not._
> 
> Isak got in around one in the morning, his heart beating hard and fast against his ribcage. He was hoping that Even was asleep already, but probably not. Even was probably out there partying or writing about the end of the world in one his notebooks. Isak wasn’t talking to him but he had seen him writing stuff down frantically in the kitchen at four in the morning once. Isak had been so curious that he looked for that notebook the next day and spent hours reading about the apocalypse and about how there were cameras in his head.
> 
> Isak was scared but he was too angry to do a damn thing about it.
> 
> He just hoped that Even wasn’t going to sneak into his room and ask him how it went.
> 
> .
> 
> Even didn’t.
> 
> And by 01:30, Isak was upset because he didn’t. Isak was a paradox like that.
> 
> Because for someone who had made such a fuss about Isak having sex, he sure didn’t seem to care how he was doing.
> 
> * * *
> 
>  
> 
> **Even**
> 
> **01:35**
> 
> did he fuck you right
> 
> wtf are you high?
> 
> maybe
> 
> Leave me alone
> 
> Did you like it?
> 
> Why do you care
> 
> I just do
> 
> Why are you acting like a weird ex boyfriend
> 
> sometimes i feel like i am
> 
> fuck you
> 
> did it feel good?
> 
> how many times did you come?
> 
> did he prep you? Did you fuck him too?
> 
> sometimes i wonder what you look like when you come
> 
> sometimes i wonder what you sound like when you come
> 
> sometimes i wonder what you taste like when you come
> 
> i think it could be my second favorite taste
> 
> *Even is typing…*
> 
> .
> 
> “Are you fucking insane?! You can’t talk to me like that,” Isak shouted the moment he opened Even’s bedroom door, suddenly thankful that it was Friday night and that Even’s parents were away for the weekend.
> 
> “Insane,” Even repeated.
> 
> Isak probably started feeling aroused after Even’s first text came in.
> 
> _‘Did he fuck you right’_ . So many assumptions. Why couldn’t Isak be doing the _‘fucking’._ Was it because he was inexperienced?
> 
> Isak was in a haze. He could blame it on the weed he had had hours before or on his sexual frustration. But before he knew it, he was in Even’s room, shouting cruel words at his cruel boy.
> 
> The lights were turned off but he could still make out his silhouette thanks to the street lights outside his window.
> 
> Even was sitting at the end of his bed, his ridiculously long legs apart and his hands clasped together, clutching his phone. Even was breathing hard. Even was waiting.
> 
> Isak didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what he was doing in his room in the first place. Even had never talked to him in such a crude way before, such a sexual and primal way before. _‘Sometimes i wonder what you look like when you come’._
> 
> Isak was about to make a mess in his pants right there. This was madness. There was no other word for it. They were both out of their damn minds.
> 
> Isak suddenly realized that Even could probably see his hard-on from where he was sitting and instantly brought his hands to the front of his pants, cupping himself.
> 
> “You’re fucking crazy,” Isak hissed again and didn’t apologize.
> 
> He knew these were the most cruel words he could say to him. He knew it, and deep down in his heart, he was bleeding, too. He was hurting, too. He hated himself for reinforcing Even’s beliefs around his mental illness, for corroborating what he spent all his time preaching. _“I am crazy. My mind is inconsolable. My soul is rotten. I am a lost cause. I am fucking crazy.”_
> 
> But Even wanted to hurt. And Isak could do that for him tonight. Tonight he was a brat. Tonight, they weren’t tender with one another. Tonight, they were hurting each other.
> 
> “What the hell is wrong with you?” Isak hissed again when he noticed Even’s lack of reaction. When he noticed how he kept staring at him like he held the key to the universe. “What the hell do you want from me?”
> 
> “I want to make you come,” said Even.
> 
> Isak’s lips parted instantly, everything in him both hardening and softening right then and there.
> 
> “I want to see you come,” Even added.
> 
> Nothing was fair in the world anymore. Nothing.
> 
> _I want you to make me come, too._
> 
> Silence settled around the room and all Isak could hear was his and Even’s breathing. Both rugged and short and erratic.
> 
> “C’mere,” Even tapped his lap with both hands, his voice low, so low.
> 
> His voice was dizzying. Isak was dizzy.
> 
> “This is insane,” Isak mumbled, his entire body betraying him and taking the first step towards the bed.
> 
> “Come here,” Even repeated, enunciating it this time, until Isak was right there in front of him.
> 
> The world was ending.
> 
> “Sit,” said Even, gesturing to his lap again, one hand coming up tentatively to rest on Isak’s left hip.
> 
> He instinctively leaned against it. Powerless. He was utterly powerless.
> 
> And so he sat on Even’s lap, both hands on his broad shoulders, settling, making himself comfortable and uncomfortable, shivering when he felt his hands on his lower back.
> 
> They sat there in silence in the middle of the night. Both of them hard and stupid in the dark.
> 
> _What now?_
> 
> “Did he fuck you?” Even asked, his voice low and soft, almost cruel, right into the nape of his neck.
> 
> Electricity shot through Isak’s veins at the inadequacy of the question, at how wrong it all was and how right it all felt. Isak wasn’t drunk. But he felt drunk. He felt drunk and he felt high. He understood the novels and the books and the overly romanticized _crap_ now. Isak was intoxicated.
> 
> “Yes,” Isak lied, feeling shivers down his spine when Even’s grip tightened on his skin as a response.
> 
> “Are you in pain?” Even whispered again, this time tender, this time gentle.
> 
> “No.”
> 
> “Did you like it?” Even nuzzled his nose against Isak’s jaw and brought him closer against his chest.
> 
> “Yes,” Isak lied again.
> 
> Then the best thing in the world happened. Even cupped him over his jeans with his right hand. Even’s big hand was between Isak’s legs, cupping him. Even was going to get his wish fulfilled. Isak about to burst into his hand.
> 
> “Are you hard for me or for him?” Even asked. Cruel. So cruel.
> 
> Isak kissed him first. Hungry and ugly and wet and sloppy and just so not them. Isak kissed him like he was hurt and hungry. Because he was. Even didn’t get to tease him like this. Even didn’t get to mess with him like this. Even knew. He knew how much Isak worshipped him and only him. _Fuck him._
> 
> “Did you kiss him like this?” Even asked a little bit out of breath, his stubble grazing Isak’s cheek and making him grind against his thighs frantically.
> 
> “Yes,” Isak lied, biting Even’s lower lip and dragging it between his teeth. “Just like this.”
> 
> Even gasped and moved Isak higher on his thighs when he bucked his hips. He was hard. So hard.
> 
> “Are you hard for me or for her?” Isak whispered in his ear, his hand now brave and cupping him right back.
> 
> “Isak-”
> 
> “You’re so hard. My god!” Isak moaned.
> 
> Even kissed him with a hand cupping his cheek while the other remained on his bulge. He sucked on Isak’s upper lip, barely leaving any room for air in his lungs. He kissed him like he craved him and Isak felt unraveled under his touch, felt ruined, completely ruined, his shoulders literally dropping.
> 
> They had kissed before. But never like this. Never this frantically. Never this … _sexually._
> 
> “You drive me fucking crazy,” Even breathed, his hands making their way underneath Isak’s shirt, bold and big and warm. “Did he touch you like this?”
> 
> “Yes.”
> 
> Even let his hands roam his lower back, slowly making him lean backwards to kiss his neck and his jaw and his collarbones over his shirt. His nose diving lower and lower until Isak’s back was fully arched outwards, his head completely thrown backwards, his only form of support being Even’s hands keeping him there on his thighs. They were out of their minds.
> 
> Even rested his forehead on Isak's stomach like that, breathing through his nose while Isak gripped his head, burying his fingers in his hair.  
> 
> “Did he worship you like this?” Even asked.
> 
> “Yes.”
> 
> Isak felt as though the room had started spinning all of a sudden, as though he was about to fall, as if gravity wasn’t doing its job anymore. But then his back hit the mattress and he realized that Even had lifted him off his lap, turned them around, and lay him on the bed.
> 
> Isak wasted no time reaching for the back of Even’s neck, bringing his lips down to his own immediately, with urgency, with a hint of delirium and frenzy, as if he was going to die if he didn’t kiss him.
> 
> “Touch me,” he moaned between kisses. “Put your hands on me. Even, touch me.”
> 
> Isak was about to combust when Even obliged immediately, unzipping his jeans and shoving his hands down his boxers, his lips on his neck, sucking and kissing and biting. There was no waiting, no nothing. If Isak demanded to be touched, Even touched.
> 
> Isak wondered if he had spaced out for a few seconds, because he couldn’t recall taking off his shirt, yet there he was with Even sucking on his nipples.
> 
> _What in the world?_
> 
> “Did he lick your nipples like this?” Even asked, making Isak nod frantically.
> 
> This was a dream. It had to be. This couldn’t be real. So Isak let his hand thread through Even’s hair and moaned when he moaned.
> 
> Even kissed his entire chest, licking his collarbones and his ribs after nibbling at them gently while Isak arched his back and did his best not to burst right there and there. But it wasn’t easy. Not with Even’s hand stroking him now.
> 
> “Stop it. I’m gonna-,” he pleaded.
> 
> “I want you to,” said Even.
> 
> “Not like this.”
> 
> “How did he make you come?”
> 
> Isak couldn’t help the blush high up his cheeks. He couldn’t help but squirm whenever Even talked to him like that. They didn’t talk like that. This wasn’t them. This was so out of character for both of them. But here they were. Isak’s head was spinning with lust. It was spinning with lust and love and madness.
> 
> He sat up a bit and reached for Even’s sweatpants in the dark, lowering them in one swift movement down his hips, gasping when he realized he wasn’t wearing boxers. He wasn’t wearing anything. Isak put his hands on him and moaned.
> 
> “Isak-”
> 
> Without thinking, he pushed Even off of him so that they were both sitting on the bed before diving in to take him in his mouth.
> 
> “What the-”
> 
> “Let me,” Isak begged. “Please.”
> 
> “I. Uh. Did you do this to him?” Even stammered.
> 
> “No,” Isak admitted, his hand still around Even. One truth, finally. “Teach me. How do you like it?”
> 
> Even just stared at him as if he had two heads. Well, there were two heads in his visual periphery, so maybe. _God,_ Isak was losing it. He was out of control.
> 
> But he couldn’t stop. He couldn’t wait. What if Even suddenly snapped out of whatever madness they had fallen into? What if he pushed him off and Isak had to live with regrets for the rest of his life?
> 
> In a moment of panic, Isak quickly leaned down and took him back into his mouth, sloppy and messy and wrong. And sure, Isak had done this before with other guys, but this was nothing like what he had previously experienced. He was overwhelmed. He was shaking. This was the end of the world and he didn’t know what to do. He was panicking. Even didn’t like this. Even got blowjobs from pretty girls with long lashes. Even-
> 
> Even's hands found his face and brought him back up gently. Perhaps, he had noticed how Isak was literally choking around him in panic.
> 
> “Babe,” he said gently, his voice soft but deep. God, Isak was weak in the knees.
> 
> “You don’t like this,” Isak mumbled, defeated. He had ruined everything.
> 
> “God,” Even sighed before kissing him hard and desperate. “Your mouth anywhere near me is heaven.”
> 
> Then it became too much. The kissing and mewling and melting into one another became too much. Isak didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t anymore.
> 
> Even was only wearing a T-shirt and he was only wearing his jeans, and the friction was too much. Was this still about Vidar? What was this? Did he even care?
> 
> Isak didn’t care and he almost tore the shirt off of Even’s chest, kissing every bit of skin he could find, kissing and kissing and licking and sucking his nipples the same way Even had done for him, now grinding against him, desperate for more. Always more.
> 
> Before he could fully process it, Even was completely naked on top of him, and if that wasn’t the most beautiful thing.
> 
> “You’re so beautiful,” Isak blurted out.
> 
> “In your eyes only.”
> 
> They kissed frantically while Isak struggled to push his jeans down his thighs. He wanted to leave them right there by his knees but he couldn’t wrap his legs around Even’s waist, so what was the point.
> 
> “Help me,” he asked then watched Even’s muscles clench above him as he ripped his jeans off his legs. Hungry, hungry, hungry.
> 
> _What are we doing._
> 
> Then came the silence. They were both naked, bodies flushed together on a Friday night/Saturday morning. They were insane. Both of them.
> 
> “Are you okay?” Even asked, because he always did. He was manic and his eyes were on fire, but he still asked.
> 
> _I’m helplessly in love with you._ Isak wanted to say. _I’m in love with you and I want you inside me._
> 
> “I’m nervous,” he admitted instead.
> 
> Even kissed him. Not in a hurried and frantic way. No. It was soft and tender and caring, and Isak's toes curled in the dark.
> 
> “Were you nervous with him?”
> 
> Isak thought the friction would be enough. They should have probably stopped here, but how could they? How could he? How do you stop when you get a taste of heaven?
> 
> It wasn’t enough. It couldn’t be. So with his heart in his throat, he grabbed Even’s fingers and guided them to where he wanted them.
> 
> “Open me up,” he whispered.  
> 
> Even made a low primal noise that made Isak break. He couldn’t believe he had just said those words. Any line they drawn had been completely erased. He was _fucked._
> 
> “Isak-”
> 
> “There’s lube under your bed. Please.” his voice cracked at the word ‘please’, and he watched Even’s face fall and morph into something undecipherable.
> 
> He then watched him almost dive under the bed, keeping one hand on Isak’s hip. He must have known by now that he hadn’t done anything with Vidar. This had nothing to do with Vidar. This was tender and soft and wonderful. But Isak still almost screamed at the initial breach.
> 
> It hurt. It hurt so much.
> 
> “Are you okay?” Even asked with panic in his eyes.
> 
> _No. This is perfect. Please don’t panic._
> 
> “More-” Isak requested.
> 
> “More what?”
> 
> “More fingers.”
> 
> Even looked ruined above him, completely wrecked. Isak liked this look on him.
> 
> “How many did he-”
> 
> “I don’t give a shit about him,” said Isak. “Just-”
> 
> “Okay.”
> 
> It was painful until it wasn’t, and when he watched Even put on a condom, he gasped and held his breath and wondered if they had just broken everything. If they were ever going to be okay after this. _Probably not._
> 
> It felt like popping a pimple. It felt like something that shouldn't have happened but that felt so good in the moment. Having sex with Even was like popping a pimple. Satisfying but leaving you with regrets and scars afterwards.
> 
> “I’m so fucking scared,” Isak admitted.
> 
> “We can stop,” Even breathed above him.
> 
> “No. I will die if we stop.”
> 
> Isak was always a bit dramatic around Even. He was a bit of a brat and nothing he said was ever literal. But everything he felt tonight was so big and so surreal. _I will die if we stop._ Isak meant it. He wasn’t sure his heart could take it.
> 
> “I won’t hurt you,” Even promised.
> 
> “But it’s all you ever do.”
> 
> Even kissed him and Isak had no idea why he felt like crying, pinned under him and finally getting what he wanted. He didn’t know.
> 
> “Tell me something sweet,” said Isak just as Even was about to push into him.
> 
> “There’s nothing sweeter than you.”
> 
> “I can’t lose you, Even. I will die if I lose you,” Isak panted.
> 
> “You won’t.”
> 
> “Tell me something sweet, Even.”
> 
> “Nobody loves you like I do.”
> 
> .
> 
> Even was manic. And Isak knew it. The whole time, he knew but he still wrapped his legs around his waist, and still moaned, and still asked for more. Even made love to him like Isak wanted love to be made to him. Even left him shaking and stupid with desire and had him crying and panting and reaching his release before loading right back up.
> 
> Isak saw the stars that night. He was sore and he was spent but he didn’t want this to stop, so he bit back his tears and asked for more. Isak was in trouble. Isak was in love. They made love, and love, and love.
> 
> It was perfect. It was absolutely perfect. Their bodies were made for one another, Isak was sure. He knew it in his heart. And Even was the most attentive lover, the most generous partner. Even gave, and gave, and gave, and took just the right amount. Even was perfect and tonight was perfect.
> 
> “You’re mine,” Even repeated over and over again, stroking his hair and kissing his jaw. “Tell me you’re mine.”
> 
> “I’m yours,” Isak whimpered. “I’m yours. I’m all yours.”
> 
> .
> 
> Isak lost him after that. Kind of. The next morning was perfect and so was the one following it. But then Even's beliefs about the world ending got worse, and he became convinced that he had seen Kurt Cobain in a dream warning him about a secret society trying to control his brain. Even lost himself a bit and Isak lost him, too.
> 
> Then when he found him in Sonja’s bed two nights later, Isak couldn’t believe it for a little while. Even wouldn’t do that to him. Even loved him, too.
> 
> But then he understood that this wasn’t Even. This wasn’t the Even he loved. This wasn’t him. And it wasn’t Even who made love to him. It simply wasn’t.
> 
> Isak understood everything and understood everything some more over a bottle of Tequila with a stranger at a bar. He then went to Mutta’s with tears rolling down his face all the way to his neck.
> 
> “It was my first time,” he sobbed. “He broke my fucking heart.”
> 
> .
> 
> Later on, he learned that Even had slept with maybe five other people in the span of ten days and everybody around them started calling him a freak.
> 
> Elias and the boys talked about it over coffee during an emergency meeting, and Isak hugged himself while Mutta watched him carefully.
> 
> “I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose yourself like that,” said Elias.
> 
> “His stamina though,” Adam preened. “I’m a little bit jealous of that.”
> 
> “Fuck off,” said Elias. “It’s like he’s no longer himself. He’s just his body. He will fuck anything and anyone when he’s in that state.”
> 
> “That’s bullshit,” said Mutta. “It doesn’t strip him of his identity. It just heightens it.”  
> 
> “We all know Even doesn’t love Sonja. He doesn’t even want her like that.”
> 
> “You don’t know that.” said Mutta. And for a moment, Isak wondered if they were talking about Sonja or him right now.
> 
> “I read somewhere that when you go mad like that, you’ll literally fuck anything with a hole. Girls, boys, anyone.”
> 
> .
> 
> Heartbreak.
> 
> It took him some time but Isak got over it. The fact that Even got hospitalized for over a month was also helpful. It gave him time to process everything. It was selfish but it was true. Even wasn’t the only one who had lost his mind that night. Isak had asked for it. He had begged for it. If anything, he had taken advantage of Even. He was unworthy. He was disgusting.
> 
> It took him a while, but he got over it. And when they met again, they sat almost a meter apart in the mental health facility until Even broke and started sobbing.
> 
> “I’m so ashamed! I’m so sorry for what I did to you! Please, forgive me. I’m so ashamed!”
> 
> Isak was a grown-up now. He had practiced this speech a thousand times in his head. He got this.
> 
> He wrapped his arms around Even’s back and held him as close as he possibly could.
> 
> “You have nothing to be ashamed of or sorry for,” he said. “Nothing happened.”
> 
> “Isak-”
> 
> “We’re good. You and I. We’re a team, and a damn good one, too. We can get through this. It’s fine,” he insisted. “I don’t feel any shame. Nothing happened.”
> 
> .
> 
> _Nothing happened. Nothing happened. Nothing happened._
> 
> It turned out that when words were uttered enough times, they somehow became true and universal. Nothing happened.
> 
> .
> 
> They never talked about it. And after six months or so, they were back to teasing each other and incorporating sex into their daily banter. Isak was having regular sex and Even was back to being a straight guy.
> 
> _Nothing happened._

.

 

“So are we actually gonna fuck this time or are you gonna run back to him again?” said Vidar.

Isak stared down at him for a little while. _He knew._

“Who is ‘him’?” Isak asked, feigning ignorance.

“Really? You broke up with me because of him,” Vidar smiled. “You broke my heart and all. I was so young.”

Isak laughed repositioning himself on Vidar’s lap.

“That makes for a good fuckboy origin story though. Don’t you think?”

“Hot, smart, AND funny,” Vidar sighed, his grip tightening on his hips. “What a waste.”

“Excuse me?” Isak scoffed.

“It’s too bad you’re taken.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said Isak.

“Your boyfriend,” Vidar rolled his eyes. “Even. Ring any bells?”

“Oh, you mean my husband,” Isak smiled, twirling a strand of Vidar’s hair around his index finger.

“You’re a menace, Isak.”

“I heard.”

They smiled at each other for a little while. Isak was lonely, so lonely. And he imagined that Vidar was as well for accepting to meet him even when he knew he was emotionally unavailable. Perhaps, he could actually sleep with him this time and give him some sort of closure. Perhaps, he could. Even wasn’t on his mind, anyways. Even was far away in the North, doing his thing, probably running into the sunset with some guy named Herman.

Isak deserved to be with a guy who didn’t think making love to him was shameful. Isak deserved to pine after a guy who replied to his texts and didn’t just skip town after a peck. Isak deserved-

* * *

**Even**

19:08

Where are you?

I’m at Edvard’s

Came home a week early

Missed you too much :p

What do you think of this?

* * *

“Why weren’t you responding to my texts?” Isak asked as soon as he stepped into his own room, finding Even sprawled on his king sized bed with Tequila lying on his chest.

“I was in the mountains. Reception wasn’t ideal,” said Even.

“I felt like an idiot waiting for you to text me back,” Isak sighed in frustration before letting himself fall next Even. “I was like a thirteen year old girl with a crush.”

“Aw, baby, you have a crush on me?” Even smiled, rolling onto his side. “So sweet.”

“Piss off. Yeah?”

Even laughed, then when Tequila finally decided to leave his stomach, he sat up and fished for something in his backpack.

“That candy you used to like,” he said, handing him a pack of candy Isak used to love when they were younger.

“You got me candy from your trip?”

“Yeah. I saw it and I had to get it,” Even shrugged.

Isak smiled to himself and hugged the bag of candy like a child. He was happy. All was right in the world again.

“Where were you?” Even asked, his voice careful. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. I know you’re a very coveted gentleman-”

“Vidar’s. I saw Vidar today,” said Isak.

The silence was a little bit awkward and Isak was thankful for the loud bag of candy, because he was certain his heartbeats could be heard otherwise.

_Vidar. The guy who was supposedly my first. Before you. That same night. Vidar._

“Did you have a good time?” Even asked instead, deflecting, always, deflecting.

“It was alright,” Isak shrugged. “I ran here as soon as I got your texts though. Cause I’m an idiot.”

“Awe babes. I get priority?” Even laughed.

“Call me babes one more time, I swear to god!” Isak groaned.

“Babes.”

They laughed for a little while, Isak trying to wrestle Even into submission before Tequila pounced on him like the loyal monster that she was.

“I don’t know why she’s so loyal to you!” Isak whined. “She hates me! Do you think she’s homophobic?”

Even snorted. “I think she’s allergic to drama queens.”

“Asshole,” Isak shoved him.

.

"I think her name is Elizabeth," said Even, passing the third joint back to Isak. "I think that's her real name. Not Tequila."

They were smoking in his room and he was growing anxious around Edvard finding out and getting upset. There was nothing in his contract that went over drug usage, but he still felt bad.

Besides, Even typically stuck to two joints. Yet, here they were finishing their third on Isak's bedroom floor.

"What is this Elizabeth nonsense. Also, off topic and I know you hate it, but it's our third joint," said Isak, staring a bit at Even's long legs which were leaning against the wall. "Just in case you're not counting."

"I'm counting. Don't worry," said Even, smiling and looking pretty. He looked so pretty with blue hair. Always.  
  
"Whatever happened to moderation?" Isak asked, trying not to sound too patronizing. 

"It's okay. It's Friday," said Even.

_Friday._ It was Even's cheat day, he had explained to him once. On Fridays, Even indulged. On Fridays, Even smoked a bit more and drank a bit more. On Fridays, Even cheated a bit, bent the rules a bit. On Fridays, he played with fire. On Fridays, he tested his limits. 

"It's Friday. You're right," said Isak, handing him back the joint.

On Fridays, they kissed sometimes. 

They smoked silently until Isak remembered Elizabeth.

"Why Elizabeth?" he asked.

"Cause she's a queen."

"You're an idiot," Isak snorted. "Her name is Tequila."

"Elizabeth, the second!" Even laughed.

"Shut up." Isak shoved him, sitting up. 

"Where are you going?"

"Clean this mess. I live with an elderly. I can't just light up joints now. Besides, you have to go," said Isak. "It's late anyways."

"Meh. Party pooper."

"I think you just really like my bed," Isak added, falling face first onto his beloved mattress.

"I do," Even smiled, leaving the floor, too. "But only cause you're in it."

He then dropped next to Isak on his side, and looked at him, a soft and fond expression on his face.

Isak felt warm inside. He felt the butterflies again in his stomach.  _What if I can love you?_

"What are you thinking about right now?" said Even, his eyes bouncing around Isak's face, settling on his eyes, then his lips, then his neck. Isak felt hot all over. 

"You," Isak blurted out.

"What about me?" Even smiled, his hand coming up to cup Isak's face.

"I missed you," Isak mumbled, leaning into the touch and closing his eyes, his emotions overwhelming him. "I was so lost when you were gone."

"C'mere," Even whispered before wrapping both arms around his back and bringing him to his chest, tucking his head gently into his neck, like a baby. Warm, so warm.

Isak let himself be cuddled, and held, and filled with affection. Isak loved it. He wanted to live in his arms. 

They cuddled until it got too hot, and too sweaty, and too awkward. Until cuddling wasn't so innocent anymore, until the butterflies starting soaring in his stomach, until he titled his head upwards and arched his back, completely powerless, until Even's right hand found his cheek and rested there, stroking gently. 

Isak closed his eyes and parted his lips, breathing through his nose. It was ridiculous how Isak could go from the snarkiest person alive to instantly melting in a tall blue haired boy's arms. Isak couldn't recognize himself, sometimes. 

_god. what am I doing._

When he opened his eyes, he was met with the bluest pair, looking at him with wonder and fondness. Isak adored those eyes. Isak wanted to drown in them. 

"You can't kiss me again," Isak whimpered, eyes droopy and lips parted. "Even if it's Friday. You can't." 

"I won't," Even whispered, his thumb on Isak's lower lip, his eyes licking his mouth already. "I won't kiss you." 

"You can't spent the night," said Isak, nuzzling against Even's cheek. "Last Friday drove me crazy. We can't."

"I will go now."

"Okay. Thank you."

. 

Isak watched him cross the threshold of Edvard's house with his heart in his throat. He wanted to ask the questions that haunted him.  _What did we do last Friday. Was it just a peck? Do you remember the night we made love until the sun rose? Do you remember?_ But he didn't. He didn't have the courage to. He didn't have the stomach to handle the answers. He couldn't.

Even had only taken two steps, maybe even three, before turning around and walking back to Isak in the dark. 

"You said it was perfect," he said with blue eyes. Isak felt like he was baring his soul to him. 

"Hm?"

"Us. Together. That night. At Yousef's party. Was it true? You said. You said we were perfect. You said-"

Even was asking about the sex. He was asking about Isak's first time. Isak had never acknowledged it as such in front of him. He never told him that he took something from him. He never told him that he was the first man to feel inside of him and the only one he ever wanted to feel inside of him. 

But Even knew he was his first. Of course.

"You were my first," said Isak.

"I know," Even replied and it sounded like he was admitting to a crime. 

"Why do you sound sorry?"

"Because I fucked you up," Even's voice broke, his face breaking, too. "My sweet baby."

"You didn't," Isak replied, not daring to touch him, not daring to move. "It was perfect."

"Perfect," Even mumbled to himself. "We were perfect."

"We were."

They held hands for a little while, just a few seconds, before Even pulled Isak into his arms and hugged him tight, so tight. 

"I'm sorry," he whispered into his neck. "I'm so sorry."

Isak didn't reply because the apology itself hurt. Everything hurt. 

When their bodies parted, Isak felt dumb, so he asked.

"Did we make out last Friday on Halloween? Or was it just a peck?"

"We made out," Even replied instantly. "We made out until we fell asleep." 

"Okay," said Isak, his heart hurting, sinking even. All the moaning, all the 'please's and 'Even, my god!' were all real. Isak was mortified. "See you tomorrow, then."

"See you tomorrow, Isak."  

. 

> _#9_
> 
> _Three things Even's psychiatrist had advised him to stay away from:_
> 
> _1\. Alcohol_
> 
> _2\. Weed_
> 
> _3\. Isak_
> 
> _(except on Fridays)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh well.  
> Sorry for the Stranger Things nods. I got too excited there. (Thumbs up if you caught the CMBYN references. Wink wink)
> 
> they're so so so messed up and hurt and everything sucks, but they love each other so much. they're just beyond scared of hurting the other and messing the other up. Isak is convinced he's bad for Even and Even is convinced he's bad for Isak. they're a mess.  
> They're in a really bad and unhealthy place. and while Isak idealizes their first time -- maybe because he never got treated with such love and care afterwards -- it wasn't perfect. It was fueled by jealousy and angst and tension, not pure love. Even was possessive and jealous and bitter and that's why he has such a hard time forgiving himself for that incident. He feels like he took advantage of Isak and Isak feels like he took advantage of Even.  
> Even has the deepest feelings for Isak, but he waits, he wavers, he hesitates because he remembers what he did to him and recoils. He feels invisible because Isak doesn't seem to realize that he's in pain, too. That he's just waiting to be worthy of him again. That he's doing his best to win his heart again. That it wasn't just because he was manic. Even feels invisible.
> 
> i need to write the fluff TM I cannot do angst anymooore.  
> I had a whole scene with the boy squad planned but i looked at the word count and at the clock and i decided to leave it for next chapter.  
> a big part of this was 'the first time' but it's sort of the last kind of big thing that happened in the past.  
> .  
> love you  
> .  
> leave a comment if you felt something. anything. <3


	6. Words and Pictures (2014)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak and Even are fine, just fine. Or: Someone walks in on someone getting intimate with someone else. Featuring pictures taken by Even, Edvard being a time-traveler, Isak s i n g i n g, a marriage proposal, a church, s e x positions, Jonas being the best, and Isak being a mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hii. hope you enjoy this. or how to break my own heart, a guide by me. <3
> 
> thank you for all the wonderful feedback as always. love, love, love.

  _“You were my first.”_

_“It was perfect.”_

_“You can’t kiss me again.”_

_“You can’t spend the night.”_

_“We were perfect.”_

.

Isak couldn’t sleep that night, not that he had expected to, not with Even’s sweet scent still lingering in his room, in his sheets, in his mind, overwhelming all of his senses. _Him._

Isak rolled around in his king size bed with tightness in his chest and aching in his heart, checking his phone every few minutes for a distraction -- or perhaps for a text, maybe. Perhaps Even couldn’t sleep either. Perhaps Even was on his way back to him. Perhaps he had understood that _“You can’t kiss me”_ meant _“I can’t stand another second without your lips on mine”_. Perhaps Even loved him after all. Perhaps this wasn’t all in his head. Perhaps Even wasn’t sorry for sleeping with him. Perhaps he was just sorry for sleeping with the entire damn town right after he split him open in his bed -- Isak hadn’t been able to enter Even’s room for months after that night -- Perhaps.

Even was the spontaneous one out of the two of them after all. Even was the one for grand gestures after all. Isak couldn’t afford to act on a whim. Isak couldn’t afford to follow his heart. _His heart._ He wasn’t even sure he knew what it wanted half the time.

_“I missed you. I was so lost when you were gone.”_

Isak was never this open, this honest. Sure, he told Even that he missed him fairly often. But this felt different. This implied so many things he wasn’t quite ready to say out loud.

_You left after we kissed and I couldn’t function without you by my side._

He wondered if Even understood what he meant. He wondered if it was too much, if he was going to disappear on him again. He wondered if Even would have kissed him if Isak hadn’t asked him not to. He wondered.

Isak couldn’t sleep and Even never texted him.

Around three in the morning, he left his bed, grabbed the ‘Even pillow’, and stored it inside his closet. He couldn’t sleep, let alone breathe with his scent this close. He couldn’t function. With or without him. Isak could no longer function.

On his way back to bed, he made sure to open the door to his bedroom, hoping Tequila would join him early in the morning. She always woke him up at obscene hours by scratching his door after all. She could make herself useful and cuddle him for once.

But then Isak wondered if she would head for the closet instead, chasing Even’s scent. She liked Even better anyways.

_Why am I such a fucking loser?_

Pining after a cat’s affection was a new low. But it couldn’t be worse than pining after someone who only kissed him on Fridays. Someone who showed him the stars and made him say that he was his, only to end up in everyone else’s bed, too.

‘ _I’m yours. I’m all yours.’_ Isak still couldn’t get over the fact that he had said those words when they were having sex. He couldn’t believe Even had made him utter those words. But more than anything, he couldn’t believe how much he had meant them. _‘I’m yours. I’m all yours.’_

_Did you make them say that to you, too? Do you love them like nobody loves them, too? Did you fucking shatter them, too?_

Sonja always said that nothing was more painful than waxing your legs. But she was wrong.

Being someone’s wholeheartedly, unequivocally, only for that someone to be everyone else’s. Nothing was more painful than that.

_I’m yours. I’m all yours. But you’re everyone else’s._

Isak ran a hand through his hair and let out a bitter laugh.

Sonja knew. She knew better than everyone. She had probably invented the concept of pining over Even Bech Næsheim. She was just much better at hiding it than he was.

Isak checked his phone again -- browsing for those inspiring ‘America’s Got Talent’ videos on youtube that made him forget about his meaningless struggles -- when Tequila decided to make her grand entrance. It was probably four in the morning and Isak had no idea how cats’ sleeping schedules worked but this couldn’t be right.

He still made sure to scoot to the side, hoping she would join him on the bed. He could use all the attention and comfort she was willing to offer. She quickly jumped on the bed and made herself comfortable on his stomach, catching him a little bit off guard. She had only laid on his chest once before, the act being typically reserved for Even. The only other time was when Even had left him tongue-tied after claiming that his gaydar was broken.

Isak couldn’t help but squint his eyes. Tequila knew. She was even smarter than he thought. She could always tell when Isak was having a crisis, always curling around him when he needed it the most. Perhaps she was a robot. A vicious and fluffy robot.

Isak eventually relaxed under her weight and stroked her the same way Even had done the morning he realized that hearing Even praise anyone -- even a cat! _Jesus!_ \-- turned him on. He laughed again and curled around himself, his phone by his side in the dark, while Tequila purred quietly on top of his chest. Isak was starting to understand why people had pets. He could finally feel sleep coming to him.

He was about to doze off when his phone screen lit up with a notification. It was past four in the morning and it couldn’t have been anything important. But Isak was Isak, so he checked.

**_Even Bech Næsheim tagged you in a post._ **

Isak didn’t know whether he was supposed to laugh or cry. All he needed was a good meme or a text from Even, a sign that Even was having a crisis and trouble sleeping tonight, too. And he somehow got both. Even couldn’t sleep either.

Isak laughed. He actually did. It was so lame, but he still laughed. He would never admit that he laughed, but he did until he cried.

He could remember the day they had taken those pictures, too. He could remember it as if it was yesterday.

* * *

**_#10. Eighteen & Twenty_ **

_“I’m way too awkward for this shit,” Isak groaned, feeling extremely inadequate and uncomfortable behind Even’s camera lens._

_He had just bought a new camera for one of his short movies and had enlisted Isak’s help to test the lighting and the angles in one of the studios at UiO._

_Naturally, Isak was grumpy. He hated being under the spotlight, both figuratively and literally. He wasn’t good at taking pictures that didn’t involve making weird faces at the camera or simply having a good time._

_But deep down, Isak was happy to help. He was still at Bakka and he was lonely as ever now that everyone had started university but him. But today he got to ride the bus that Even always rode to go to UiO, and he got to see his studios and his classrooms and walk the hallways he walked every day. Today, Isak got a glimpse of how life might be when he graduated from Bakka and joined the rest of the group at UiO. Together at last. Isak was happy._

_“Just one picture,” said Even. “Stay still.”_

_“Ugh.”_

_Of course, one picture ended up being hundreds of pictures. Even probably had a hard drive full of pictures of Isak. He took so many, all the time, everywhere. Isak was convinced he was documenting his life at one point. Even had pictures of him from almost every day, doing almost everything. Eating, drinking, walking, sleeping, studying, learning how to drive, listening to music, getting out of the shower, watching TV, watching something on his laptop, riding a bike, riding the bus, even making out with someone in his room._

_Even had the potential to ruin his life if Isak somehow ended up becoming famous one day or if he got into politics._

_“You look like a baby,” said Even, running a hand through his hair and looking like an angel in his oversized white sweater. Isak had stared at their reflection on the window in the bus, Even in white, him in a black t-shirt. Contrast._

_“No, I don’t!” Isak frowned._

_“Yes, you do,” Even laughed. “Come here, look at this.”_

_Isak walked over to the Canon camera that was sitting on top of a tripod and cringed when he saw the picture. He did look a bit like a child. Maybe more than just a bit._

_“Fuck it, let’s do another one,” said Isak._

_He then proceeded to make the most aggressive face possible, almost growling, much to Even’s amusement._

_“God, you’re adorable!” he declared after taking the picture, clutching his stomach and laughing hard with crinkled eyes._

_“Ugh, shut up!” Isak groaned._

_“You look like an angry baby! Oh my god!”_

_He probably did. Isak didn’t even need to look at it. And before leaving the studio, he made Even promise to delete the pictures. A rather useless effort because he knew Even wouldn’t. Because Even always brought up old pictures when he least expected him to, for a prank or for a particularly embarrassing facebook birthday post._

_“You’re gonna use these against me later, aren’t you?” Isak asked on their way out, their knuckles bumping together in the deserted hallways._

_“Maybe,” Even smiled that warm and soft smile that always made him weak in the knees._

_“Pfft,” Isak rolled his eyes, shoving him gently and giggling like a little girl. He secretly loved the attention. He loved that ninety percent of all of Even’s memory cards were pictures of him, just him. Even might have slept with the entire town, but Isak was still the focus point of all his shots. He was still the one who got invited to the ‘testing shoots’. Isak was still his favorite model._

_And deep down, he knew that it meant nothing, that Even probably knew he loved it and that he wanted to make it up to him. But he still reveled in it._

_“Thank you for helping me test my camera,” said Even, bumping their fingers together once again, setting his heart ablaze._

_“As long as you keep the pictures to yourself!” said Isak, blushing slightly at the implications of his own statement._

_“Are you sure you want me to keep them to myself?” Even grinned._

_“Creep,” Isak shoved him again before walking ahead, trying to hide the blush high up his cheeks now._

_“What?” Even laughed behind him, not bothering to catch up._

_“I know you have tons of pictures you stare at when you’re alone. You’re like a total creeper.”_

_Even laughed some more and Isak laughed with him because it was Saturday morning and because the sun was shining through the big glass windows that hugged the walls. Isak loved these moments. Warm and soft and carefree. They felt like a warm hug, like a blanket on a rainy day. Isak almost forgot that Even broke his heart in moments like these._

_But then when they reached outside, neither of them was speaking, Even stopped him for a moment and spoke softly._

_“I do have a picture I stare at when I’m sad. You’re right,” he said, not looking anywhere in particular, his eyes a pale blue that felt like the ocean._

_“Hm?”_

_“My most precious memory,” Even added right before brushing the entire thing off like he always did._

_Isak couldn’t stop thinking about it for days: the picture that made Even less sad. Isak wondered what it was._

_He wondered and wondered and wondered, until he forgot about it._

* * *

Isak liked the instagram post and slept. _See you tomorrow. Yeah, see you tomorrow._

* * *

**Sonja**

**10:34**

So?

How did it go?

Tell me everyyythiiinngggg

First of all

You suck

Come on

Vidar is a chill dude

I still don’t get why you 2 broke up

Second of all

Mind your own business

Please tell me you had THE sex last night

Please

:)

What does that even mean?

:)

PLEASE don’t tell me Even cockblocked you

:))))))))

That fucker

It’s like he has a sixth sense

“Isak is about to bang someone. Must stop it”

Anyways

I will never let you set me up with anyone ever again

:((

* * *

“Are you texting with Even?” said Edvard, a hot cup of tea sitting in front of him on the coffee table.

“Oh, uh, good morning,” Isak stammered in his pajamas. He hadn’t even realized that Edvard was there, too busy typing furiously on his phone. “No. Not Even.”

“Oh okay,” Edvard shrugged.

“I have other friends besides Even,” said Isak in what he hoped was a lighthearted tone. Then after noticing Edvard’s silence, he added, “I really do!”

Edvard laughed at that and Isak found himself smiling.

“I would love to meet them,” said Edvard, lowering his reading glasses along the bridge of his nose. “I hope you know that you can bring anyone to the house.”

“Uh, okay.”

Edvard, lonely Edvard. Isak was sure that he loved Even almost as much as Isak did. He was also sure that he would love Mutta. Perhaps he could invite Mutta over. He was still wondering where he lived after all, and Isak hated lying to him.

“I haven’t seen Even in a while, by the way,” said Edvard. “Is he alright?”

“Oh, uh. He was away for a week,” said Isak. “He just got back yesterday.”

“Oh, I see. I was wondering why he no longer stopped by,” said Edvard. “He spent some time with me the day he made you soup.”

_The day after we made out._

“Really?”

“Yes. You spent most of the day sleeping,” said Edvard. “He actually left then came back in the evening to make you soup. So thoughtful of him.”

Isak blushed like the idiot that he was. He knew that Edvard wasn’t stupid. He probably had an idea of how complicated and messy their relationship was.

“So tender. The both of you,” Edvard smiled. “Lovely note he left you, too.”

_‘I would gladly tie you to a bed.’_

Isak’s face flushed and he wished he could disappear right then and there.

“It’s, uh, it’s just a joke among our group of friends. It’s not like that,” Isak stammered.

Edvard laughed then went back to whatever TV show he was watching, the dismissal feeling like when Elias and the boys teased him about Even. A bit unfair, a bit hurtful. There was no use fighting it because his face only ever got more flushed from there, and he only tripped over his words even more.

He hated how everyone seemed to know that they weren’t ordinary best friends. How everyone knew that it made him flush and squirm. But what he hated the most was how unaffected Even always was. How nobody ever teased Even. How Even never blushed, never stammered, never squirmed. How Even never cared as much as Isak did.

_‘Nobody loves you like I do.’_

_Fucking liar. You don’t even love me._

Those words were nothing but devastating to Isak. They were devastating because it had taken Isak some time to understand that they meant nothing.

They didn’t mean that Even loved him more than others loved him. They didn’t even mean that Even loved him at all. They just meant that Even loved him differently than how others did. And different wasn’t always good. Sometimes different was just that: different.

And when Isak saw Even that Monday morning in the cafeteria with the rest of the group, laughing with his blue hair, his blue eyes, and his gray hoodie -- laughing while Isak was withering inside -- he understood that different wasn’t good in this case.

Even didn’t love him at all. At least, not the way that Isak wanted to be loved.

.

“Morning,” Isak greeted the group, surprised to see Jonas sitting between Mutta and Sonja.

He had spent his Sunday sprawled on Jonas’ bedroom floor, playing video games, smoking, and talking about Narcos right before Eva showed up around six in the evening, and Isak understood that it was time for him to go.

Even had sent him maybe seven memes that Sunday -- but nothing more. They were back to being meme buddies, nothing more, nothing less.

“Hey curly,” said Even, with a blinding smile, his eyes piercing blue. “You’re late.”

“Don’t call me that,” Isak frowned, setting his bag down on one of the benches and settling next to Elias.

“We were just talking about you,” said Adam with a grin that couldn’t foretell anything good.

“Me?” Isak raised a brow, his head buried deep into the hood of his blue sweater. “What about me?”

“We need to find you a boyfriend,” said Elias, a hand on his shoulder now.

“What the hell?”

“Bro, no offense. But you’re so grumpy lately. It’s getting unbearable,” said Mikael.

Isak instinctively turned to look at Even and found him casually leaning on the table with a cigarette between his lips and no care in the world on his face. He seemed completely unaffected, his eyes unreadable behind his black raybans.

_Fuck you._

“What the fuck?” Isak brought his attention back to Mikael. “I don’t even like you! Don’t ‘bro’ me!”

Sonja burst into laughter first, Isak’s rivalry with Mikael always bringing a smile to her lips.

“Sonja said she set you up with someone and that you ditched,” said Elias. “What’s wrong?”

Isak couldn’t bear it. He hated being in the spotlight. He hated having to defend himself so early in the morning. But most of all, he hated how detached Even seemed behind his sunglasses. He hated it.

“That was my fault though. Don’t give him shit,” said Even, finally speaking up.

“Even, what did we say about fucking up Isak’s chances with other guys?” said Elias.

“I wouldn’t have shown up if I had known,” said Even, holding both hands up. “I promise.”

Isak sat there with rage flowing through his veins. He wasn’t even sure why he was so angry. He just was. He probably had no business being pissed. Even had shown up to his place after all. He had been in his room, in his bed, and Isak had let him hold him in bed right before kicking him out. Isak had no right.

“Can we talk about something else besides Isak’s sex life?” said Mutta, probably noticing his discomfort, probably noticing how hard everything was all the time.

“We would talk about yours, Mutta dearest. But we can’t talk about non-existing things,” said Adam, making everyone bark out a laugh, even Jonas, while Isak stared at Even who was laughing politely.

Today, Isak was tired. Today, he was going to stare and glare.

.

Isak ended up having lunch with Jonas, Magnus, and Mahdi. He didn’t really feel like seeing his usual group of friends, his heart still heavy in his chest. He didn’t trust his heart around Even anymore.

“I honestly thought something was up between you two,” Jonas confessed casually when Magnus and Mahdi went hunting for waffles.

“Huh?”

“Tell me if I’m overstepping by the way,” he prefaced. “But I thought Even and you had a thing. I don’t know. It was weird seeing you interact with all your friends today.”

Isak dropped his fork and stared at his hands for a little while, wondering how he should reply to sound as unaffected as possible, and if it mattered.

“Why did you think we had a thing?” said Isak, going for the ‘answer a question with another question’ technique.

“I don’t know,” Jonas shrugged. “I saw you two when he took you home on Halloween.”

_Halloween. When we made out. In my king size bed._

“What about it?” Isak picked up his fork again, feigning ignorance while his heart was threatening to leap out of his chest.

“I saw you two hugging outside. He was trying to get you to walk but you just wanted to hug him,” Jonas smiled. “It was cute.”

Isak’s cheeks heated up instantly. He didn’t remember this detail. Or perhaps, he did.

_Fuck._

He did now. Even had kept trying to get him to walk with an arm around his waist, but Isak had insisted on nuzzling against his jaw instead, making him giggle the entire way back home.

“I followed you cause you left your phone behind by the way,” said Jonas. “But yeah, you two stopped in front of this big house and just hugged for the longest time. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like I was intruding, so I waited until you were done.”

He then laughed while Isak felt himself decompose inside. _Oh my god._

“Sorry that was really fucking weird of me to say,” said Jonas, looking apologetic and awkward. He never looked awkward, always carrying himself with natural swagger.

“It’s fine. I just. I don’t remember this,” Isak admitted.

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Isak sighed.

* * *

**_#11. Halloween_ **

_“We have to go home,” Even tried to sound firm but ended giggling the word ‘home’._

_“No, we need to cuddle. Hug me,” Isak demanded, laughing like a child, his heart feeling big, so big in his chest._

_“We’re in the middle of the street,” Even protested with both hands on his hips, big, warm, right where they belonged. “And I’m still wearing my armor.”_

_“I don’t give a shit,” Isak smiled before wrapping both arms around Even’s neck and crashing into him, the fake metal feeling weird against the soft fabric of his own costume. “Hold me.”_

_Even held him because Even held him when Isak demanded to be held._

_“I love your smell,” Isak sighed into his neck, because he did. He loved it so much._

_“I love your smell, too,” Even whispered, backing him up against the wall of this big house that Isak liked and used to imagine as his own when he was younger._

_“I love this house,” he sighed, tightening his arms around Even’s neck and whimpering when Even did the same around his waist._

_“I love that you love this house,” Even smiled against his skin. Isak couldn’t see him but he knew that he was smiling against the skin where his neck and shoulder met. He knew it._

_“I want to get married in this house,” Isak blurted out, feeling dizzy and drunk and stupid, but happy._

_Even held him tighter, crushing him with the metal, but it felt so good._

_“We can get married in this house,” Even breathed softly  then pressed a kiss to his skin, right before pulling back to look at him._

_“Promise?” Isak whispered, giggling. He loved him so much._

_“I promise.”_

_Even then kissed his forehead and Isak leaned in to kiss his cheek, soft and tender. If he titled his head just a little bit he could maybe-_

_“Hey, Isak, uh. You forgot your phone,” someone said. Isak didn’t really have enough energy to guess who it was. Everything that wasn’t Even couldn’t register in his brain right now._

_“Thanks man,” he heard Even say._

_“Even-” Isak mumbled._

_“Let’s get you home. Yeah?”_

_“Okay.”_

* * *

_Jonas saw us. Jonas saw me like that with Even._

Isak should have probably panicked a bit more, but he didn’t feel like it. He wasn’t sure why, but Jonas felt like an old friend, like someone he could confide in. Or perhaps Isak was simply sick of holding everything inside and not talking about it with anyone. He would gladly confide in Sonja, but she was on the same boat, the _‘Even Bech Næsheim ruined us for everyone else’_ boat. And Mutta, well Mutta was too protective, and Isak felt weird telling him about his feelings for their mutual friend. He couldn’t afford to ruin the dynamics of his group even more. Things were already weird enough.

“So is there something, or?” Jonas inquired carefully. Isak could almost feel him looking at him out of the corner of his eye. “It’s chill if you don’t want to talk about it.”

Isak sighed again then let his chin fall on top of his folded arms on the table.

“We had sex once,” Isak let out in one breath then watched Jonas choke on his French fries. It was almost endearing. He was glad he had something to focus on while his heart broke inside his chest all over again. He had never admitted it out loud to anyone else besides Mutta.

“Okay, shit. I wasn’t prepared,” Jonas coughed after taking two sips of water.

Isak laughed, feeling somewhat closer to Jonas in this crowded cafeteria than he had with most of his friends that past year.

“It’s okay,” said Isak.

“When did this happen?”

“Two years ago,” Isak shrugged. “We’re over it though.”

Jonas gave him a look. The _‘are you sure?’_ look, and Isak shrugged.

“ _He_ ’s over it,” Isak corrected then watched Jonas’ face fall. “Most of the time, I’m over it, too. But right now, I’m not.”

Isak didn’t know why he was baring his soul to this guy he had only known for a few months. He didn’t know why he bothered, nor why it was so easy when he couldn’t even admit these things to himself.

“Do you like him?” said Jonas, looking somewhat sheepish and naive.

_Like him? Do I LIKE him?_

“I fucking love him,” Isak blurted out with something like fire in his voice. “Sometimes,” he added. “I love him, sometimes.”

Jonas probably had no idea the conversation would end up like this when he brought it up. He was probably thinking that Isak was a drama queen, a nutjob.

“Okay,” Jonas said instead.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, that’s chill,” he shrugged. “We all have shit going on.”

Isak waited for him to break character but he never did. He just kept on eating his food nonchalantly.

“So what are we doing about it?” Jonas added once he was done with his water.

“We?”

“Yeah, I don’t know. Do you want to get over him? I know a bunch of guys who would love to go out with you,” Jonas said with a nervous smile.

He meant it. Isak knew he meant it and it made him smile.

“I have a type,” Isak joked. He didn’t really. He didn’t know what his type was.

“I know a lot of people.”

.

And that was how Isak ended up with a cute and shy eighteen year old in his bed. His name was Sigve and he was in his last year at Bakka. He liked beer, competitive swimming, and Broadway musicals. He also liked to hide in the crook of his neck while Isak got him off, moaning, submitting, and asking for more.

Sigve was pretty. He was incredibly pretty and delicate with freckled cheeks and brown wavy hair. He was smaller than Isak, his legs fitting perfectly around his waist, and he had green eyes, too. Sigve also didn’t mind the awkward music blasting in his room which was only there to drown out the moans and the sex noises in case Edvard was in the house, nothing else -- No, Isak didn’t put on music to get his mind off Even. Nope.

Sigve was sweet and he could barely look Isak in the eyes which left him feeling nervous and weird. No one had ever been this flustered around him before. Isak typically did the blushing and the shy thing and the submitting thing.

“Fuck me,” Sigve asked an hour into their hangout, leaving Isak dumbfounded and tongue-tied. He had expected blowjobs at best, not this.

“Please,” Sigve added, his cheeks pink, his mouth pink. It drove Isak into a frenzy.

He ended up liking it a lot, taking control, giving instead of receiving, feeling Sigve’s warmth around him while being looked at as if he had hung the moon somehow.

Isak almost regretted taking him back to his place on their first date.

“I’m not usually a dick like this,” Isak apologized awkwardly when he handed him a towel to dry himself after they showered separately, suddenly aware that he had treated Sigve the same way so many guys had treated him before.

“It’s okay,” Sigve smiled, all shy and cute, making Isak blush too. “I wanted it.”

It broke his heart. It truly did. Isak had said those same words to so many assholes who had dragged him to their places to fuck him then dispose of him as if he was nothing. _I wanted it._

Isak had given that same smile to so many douchebags he had only slept with because he was lonely and wanted to forget what it felt like to have Even inside him. Isak used to be a Sigve and he was now turning into a douche. _No way._

“Come here,” Isak sighed before wrapping a hand around the back of Sigve’s neck and bringing him up for a sweet kiss. Isak always like being kissed after sex. It always made him feel valued and important.

Sigve deserved this, even it this was nothing but sex. He deserved it.

“You’re cute,” said Isak when their lips parted. “Like super cute.”

Sigve melted under his touch and it made Isak’s heart pinch. This boy was so affection starved. He reminded him of himself.

“You’re so hot,” Sigve sighed against his lips before kissing him again.

.

Sigve came back the next day, dressed in navy blue and armed with some british tea that his grandmother loved very much, apparently.

Isak stood in his room with a confused look for a few moments, simply scanning him. He didn’t expect gifts on their second hangout. He must have done something right that previous night.

“The tea. It’s for your grandpa,” said Sigve with a bright and bubbly smile. “I think he’ll like it.”

_My grandpa. Edvard. Of course._ He might have seen the pictures on the walls because he wouldn’t have seen him otherwise, Edvard being out on his daily stroll.

“I think it’s very cute that you live with you grandpa,” Sigve added.

“Right. My grandpa.”

Sigve also brought some treats for Tequila, and Isak was both overwhelmed and thrown off by how sweet this boy was. He wondered if no one had broken his heart yet.

_Will it be me?_

“Nothing for me, huh?” Isak teased, feeling slightly nervous as Sigve backed him up against the bed.

“I’m here,” Sigve smiled, blushing. “I brought myself.”

“I had you yesterday. What’s today’s treat?” Isak smiled, cringing a little bit at his own words. He wasn’t used to this. This was something Even would say.

Sigve blushed even more before lowering himself on Isak’s lap and leaning against him to whisper in his ear.

“You can fuck me from behind.”

.

Even’s hair was blue for a reason, but today it felt like it was blue for more than one.

Isak wasn’t sure why he cared so damn much. But when Even walked in on him with Sigve -- right as he started to forget about him a bit, right as he was starting to not feel so guilty anymore intertwining himself with somebody else -- he felt like chasing him down the street to explain himself.

Isak didn’t owe Even an explanation, but he still felt like running out naked to explain.

_He’s just a nice boy I’m having sex with. I don’t have feelings for him. I just want to treat him right because he just reminds me of myself. It’s still you. It’s always going to be you. Whenever I come, all I think about is you. I’m all yours. I’m-_

“Isak?” Sigve brought him back with a hand on his face, the sweet thing. “Was that Even Bech Næsheim?”

Everybody knew Even and everybody wanted Even. And if it weren’t for the crushed look on Sigve’s eyes right now, if it weren’t for how happy he had looked when he called him pretty, Isak would have assumed that he was after Even’s heart too, like everyone else.

“Uh, oh, yeah,” Isak quickly reached for his clothes on the floor, his mind racing, his heart racing. He couldn’t breathe.

Perhaps if he left the house now, he could catch up to Even. He had long legs, but he couldn’t have walked that far. Isak also knew which route he typically took from Edvard’s house. He could certainly catch up to him.

“Do you have to go?” Sigve’s voice was small, but it felt like a hard slap.

Isak was walking out on him to chase another boy while they were having sex.

_God, I’m such a dick._

Isak sat back down on the bed and took a second to gather himself and his thoughts. Then when he felt like he could breathe again, he smiled and grabbed Sigve’s hand.

“No, I don’t,” Isak sighed. “I don’t have to go.”

.

Sigve stayed for another hour, maybe less than that. It just felt like an hour because Isak’s skin was crawling.

They didn’t resume having sex, Isak being too shaken and distracted, tapping his foot frantically the entire time. Sigve might have been a year younger but he quietly made his way to the bathroom after planting a kiss to Isak’s hair.

He took a shower, got dressed very slowly, then lingered by the door, looking hurt but hopeful.

“You have something going on with Even. Don’t you?” he asked while Isak watched him dry his hair from the edge of his bed.

“How do you know Even?” Isak asked. _Answer a question with a question, always._

“He was a third year when I was a first year at Bakka,” said Sigve.

“Right,” Isak smiled awkwardly. _Of course_. “I bet you had a crush on him.”

“No. I had a crush on you,” Sigve replied with a smile and a blush.

“Oh.”

“I have to go now. Call me if you want to do this again.”

.

Isak lingered in front of Even’s door for maybe ten minutes, pacing restlessly in the hallways after having chatted with his mom for perhaps thirty minutes downstairs.

_How do I do this._

Isak didn’t even know what he was doing there. Even had walked in on him making out with people before. He had even seen that Chris guy go down on him at one of Sonja’s parties. This had happened before.

Except it hadn’t. At least not like this. Even had never walked in on him actually having sex, actually deep inside some guy.

Isak’s palms were sweaty and he didn’t know why, but he felt dirty. He had showered twice already but he could still smell Sigve’s sweet scent on himself.

_What am I even doing here?_

.

Isak entertained his little mental breakdown for a few more minutes before pushing the door open and finding Even on his stomach in his smaller bed.

“Hey,” Even broke the awkward silence first, looking up at Isak who just stood by the door.

“Hey,” Isak replied, a little bit out of breath, a little bit terrified.

But then the most amazing thing happened. Even smiled like when they had a secret that nobody else shared, his eyes sparkling and his lips shut tight. Isak’s moment of panic only lasted for a second because was now smiling and biting his lower lip, too.

They smiled until they both burst into laughter like idiots, like actual children with no care in the world, laughing at the top of their lungs.

“Oh my god! I think I went blind!” Even laughed even harder.

“I felt like my dad walked in on me having sex. Jesus Christ!”

.

“What’s his name?” Even asked, both of them lying on their backs on his bed, their shoulders almost touching.

“Sigve,” said Isak, handing him back the joint they had carefully rolled right after closing the door and placing wet towels under the door. “He’s nice.”

“Does he go to Bakka? I think I remember him,” said Even, taking a short drag and giving him the joint back.

“No fucking way,” said Isak.

“He doesn’t go to Bakka?”

“Yes, he does. I meant no fucking way that you remember him.”

“Yeah I do,” Even laughed. “He was cute following you around everywhere.”

“Huh?” Isak frowned, turning a bit to the side now to look at him.

“You’re so oblivious. It’s almost disturbing,” Even smiled. “I think something’s wrong with you.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

Even sat up then took the joint from his fingers, lingering a bit when their hands brushed.

“He always came to your rehearsals. You don’t remember him? He was like your second biggest fan,” said Even, his long fingers looking like a dream around that stupid joint.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said Isak, smiling a bit at the implication that Even was his biggest fan.

“Of course you don’t. I get it now. It’s not your gaydar that’s broken. It’s everything else. It’s like you can never tell when someone is into you,” said Even.

“That’s not true!” Isak sat up too, his face now a mere distance away from Even’s.

“Oh yeah?” Even whispered, and suddenly Isak felt drunk, his heart drumming in his ears again.

_Abort. Abort. Abort._

“Whatever,” Isak shrugged, snatching the joint right back, and falling back onto his back.

Even took his sweet time but joined him eventually.

They weren’t talking about the elephant in the room, but Isak knew it was coming.

“So how’s your paper coming along?” said Even.

“Which paper?”

“Don’t you have to write something for one of your classes?”

“No, I’m mostly taking science and engineering classes,” Isak frowned. He thought Even would know better.

“Oh right. That’s Mutta. Mutta has that big paper coming up.”

Isak was slightly annoyed but Even’s voice almost suggested that he was trying his best not to burst into laughter.

“What big paper?” said Isak.

“I don’t know. But he kept whining about how he had to pick a _position.”_

_Motherfucker._

Isak picked up a pillow and shoved it in his face, hard.

“Asshole!” he groaned while Even laughed beneath him, probably choking a bit. “I knew you would give me a shit, you dick!”

He eventually let him go just as Even’s hand curled around his forearm while he smothered him with the pillow.

“I’m just joking. Oh my god!” Even laughed. “Don’t kill me.”

“Die!” Isak groaned.

“That’s not nice,” Even giggled. “I recall you crying when I almost did, very vividly too.”

_Wow. What a low blow. Jesus._

“That’s like the definition of not fucking fair,” said Isak.

“Funny how I could say the same about you most of the time.”

Isak could almost feel the air getting thicker above them, between them, around them. He wished they could go back to joking about Isak topping instead, because he certainly couldn’t handle Even’s eyes when they turned pale blue, just like his hair. His ridiculous perfect hair.

It was hard to breathe under Even’s intense stare. He had to make things fun and light again.

“So positions, huh,” Isak said awkwardly, letting out a huge breath when Even burst into laughter.

_Yes. Thank you._

“Excellent posture I must say,” said Even.

“Shut the fuck up!”

“I never thought I’d walk in on you fucking someone doggystyle, but here we are.”

“Oh my god. I’m fucking leaving!” Isak shrieked, bringing both his hands to his ears and sitting up on the bed, his heart doing the dance it always did when Even’s hand curled around his wrist like it always did, pulling back down.

“Stay,” Even struggled to stop laughing. “I’ll stop talking. Just stay.”

“Okay.”    

.

Isak stayed, and what had started out as a rewatch of that stupid movie ‘Armageddon’, turned into a stupid sleepover.

He actually woke up around 23:00 and he could have made it home. But he didn’t really want to, not when Even was right there holding him in the same bed they had once made love in. Not a chance.

“You should go,” Even whispered into his temple maybe thirty minutes later, both of them groggy with sleep but suddenly aware of how close they were and how flushed their chests were.

“I don’t want to,” said Isak.

“Okay.”

_I just want to smell like you again._

.

November came and went, days getting shorter and the air getting colder.

Isak didn’t realize it at the time, but that sleepover did wonders. For some reason, it felt like closure, like the end of this year’s weird emotional phase. Every year, Isak got confused about what he wanted and started feeling sore and exhausted deep in his heart. It didn’t always happen around this time of the year. Sometimes, it was around his birthday. And some other times, it started around Even’s. But it happened a lot. Isak would get too close, would get a taste of heaven, and get too greedy, too lost and forget his way back home.

The tenderness sometimes got to his head and made him emotional and clingy and angry for no reason. But then one day he would wake up and be back to being himself.

The day after their sleepover was that day. They were back to being Isak and Even, Even and Isak, who hugged and cuddled sometimes but who were okay.

Even didn’t love him and it was okay. Because Isak could not love him, too.

They were okay.

.

Sigve was sipping on a cold drink that Isak couldn’t bother memorizing when he got a text from his dad.

“What’s wrong?” Sigve asked, always attentive and attuned to Isak’s every movement.

“Nothing,” Isak smiled before shoving his phone in his pocket. “Don’t worry.”

He forgot to ask him why he ordered cold drinks at coffee shops when it was freezing outside, his mind too distracted by the text.

It was almost Christmas. It made sense.

Tired of feeling so much, Isak took a detour and stopped by Mutta’s house. He was probably cleaning his room. He always cleaned his room on Saturdays.

“Where’s your boy toy?” Mutta teased him at the door.

“Oh, piss off,” Isak rolled his eyes before shoving past him and making himself at home.

They watched something on TV until Mutta pried the information out of him, Isak simply handing him his phone.

“You should go” said Mutta, his voice warm and comforting, no hint of pity or judgement whatsoever. The main reason he always came back to him.

“You’d think that he wouldn’t ask me to do this given that we haven’t talked in a whole year,” Isak crossed both arms over his chest, letting his head fall backwards on the couch while Mutta cleaned the living room.

“It’s not for him,” said Mutta. “And the boys and I will be there if it means anything at all.”

Isak sighed and felt himself falter. He was an ungrateful brat.

“It means a lot,” he said. “I just don’t want to do it this year.”

“You don’t have to.”

“But you think I should do it?”

“I think you should do whatever you feel like doing,” said Mutta. “I also think that deep down, you enjoy it a little bit. And on a selfish note, I really love it, so I hope you do it.”

Isak smiled at that, feeling a little bit warm inside.

“You’re like a big teddy bear.”

“What did we say about analogies?” Mutta smiled, looking ridiculous in his Iron Man apron.

“Honestly Mutta. Why are you single?” Isak sat up properly this time. “You’re like perfect. You’re cute. You’re kind. You’re hot. You’re smart. You’re cute. What is it?”

“You said cute twice.”

“You’re a pain the ass. That’s what it is,” Isak groaned. “I finally got it.”

Mutta laughed before letting go of the broomstick and sitting next to Isak on the couch.

“You were single up to a minute ago. Why are you giving me shit?” he said.

“I’m still single,” Isak scoffed. “What the hell?”

“You’re just spending all of your free time with the high schooler. That’s all.”

“We’re only one year apart,” Isak frowned. “And yes. We’re just having casual sex. No big deal. Doesn’t mean we’re together.”

Mutta sighed dramatically, then threw his head backwards, his curls hanging off the edge, wild and dark and beautiful.

“What?”

“Why not?” said Mutta.

“Why not what?”

“Why not be together?” said Mutta. “It might be nice.”

“I don’t know. I don’t want that. It’s good now. I don’t want to complicate things.”

Mutta sat back up and gave him that look that he hated so much.

“What?” Isak frowned again.

“You overthink too much,” he sighed, ruffling Isak’s hair. “You need to live a little.”

“What the hell?”

“That boy is crazy about you. Stop stringing him along if you’re just gonna pine after Even your whole life. Okay?”

“Fuck you!” Isak groaned. “I’m not pining after Even! I barely see him these days!”

“Right,” Mutta smiled before getting up and going back to his broomstick. “Anyways. Let me know if you end up saying yes to your dad. I need to order a new suit for the occasion.”

.

Isak walked back home with a pink nose and pink ears. It was freezing. He kept clutching his phone and re-reading Sigve’s texts. He was telling him about this physics assignment that was driving him insane and about how his dog wasn’t letting him study. His dog’s name was Coco and Isak found it adorable. Sigve promised to introduce them if Isak finally accepted to come over. But he wasn’t ready. He didn’t want to do anything with him in his house.

_“Why?”_ Sigve asked over and over again.

_Because I don’t want you to make memories involving me in the place you call home. Because I don’t want your heart to hurt when you go into your own room after I’m done with you._

Isak smiled at his phone and sent Sigve pictures of Tequila he had taken earlier that day. Then his heart did a thing when he remembered how much better she looked in the pictures Even took of her instead. _Even._ Isak missed him more than he cared to admit. And somehow after their sleepover, they had simply grown distant all over again. A bit too distant even. Isak wondered if he had someone keeping him busy, too. If someone sent him cute pictures of a dog named Coco, too.

Isak stopped in front of the big house that he loved so much, the house in front of which they had hugged and made dumb promises to each other on Halloween before Jonas burst their bubble. It was only a few blocks away from Edvard’ and it had at least nine rooms. Isak was sure of it.

It was so big and so beautiful, and Isak used to lie to kids in his class when he was younger and say that he lived in it, too ashamed of his parents’ house which was neither big nor beautiful.

Isak loved this stupid house and he used to stop and stare at it with Even when things weren’t so complicated. They always made plans and imagined who got which room, an unspoken agreement passing through them: we will live in this house together one day.

_“We can get married here.”_ Isak remembered the words vividly now. God, he was helpless.

_Every time I close my eyes, I’m suddenly back to loving you._

Isak pulled his hood over his head and pulled out his phone again. Memes. Humor. He needed to distract himself. And the one thing everyone agreed on was how vital Mutta content was to everyone’s instagram feed.

.

Sigve was lively and chatty and wonderful by nature, but right now in front of Even and Jonas, he was nervous and awkward, just like he had been on their first date.

It was probably too soon. It was probably too much. But Isak hadn’t really expected him to show up to the library so late during the day, and he couldn’t exactly ask Even and Jonas who were sharing his table to just leave.

So here they were, all four of them, in the cafeteria area of the library.

Jonas already knew him so the weird reaction was probably due to Even. He looked almost intimidated.

“I don’t bite,” Even laughed with crinkled eyes. Anyone else might have brushed it off as a friendly remark, but Isak knew him too well. This was anything but a friendly remark.

“He does actually,” said Isak. “But only if you ask him to.”

Jonas’ brows furrowed and he put on a puzzled expression that spelled ‘what the fuck, bro?’.

_I’m so fucking dumb._

But Sigve laughed, so it couldn’t have been that bad. After maybe fifteen minutes, things were okay again. Sigve was laughing and Even was his lovely charming self as usual.

“I’m sorry I walked in on you, by the way,” he said. “Isak keeps asking me to knock but I never learned.”

“That was quite a scarring way to learn for sure,” Sigve giggled.

“It wasn’t exactly the worst sight,” Even smiled, all teeth and crinkles.

_Wow. what the fuck._

“Are you seriously flirting with him?” Isak blurted out, immediately regretting it and hoping that it came off as a joke.

_This keeps getting worse._

“Only if you want me to,” Even winked. He _winked._

Isak would have blushed but Sigve beat him to it. It took him a while to realize that Even was alluding to a threesome. And when he did, he rolled his eyes and flipped him off.

“We’re not into that polygamy bullshit. Sorry,” said Isak, wrapping an arm around Sigve who kind of curled into him. He was so tiny that Isak couldn’t help but blush, barely registering both of Even and Jonas’ reactions.

_Even._

Even looked like Isak looked when Even was holding someone else. Even looked blue. His hair blue. His eyes blue. He looked blue.

Isak felt like letting go of Sigve right then and there and embracing him instead. He entertained that thought until he realized that it was gratuitous jealousy, that it was toxic, and that it had nothing to do with how Isak felt when Even held other people.

Even didn’t love him. Even simply couldn’t stand it when other people had him.

.

“I’m gonna be gone next week,” said Even later by the door in front of Edvard’s house.

“Oh, but next week is-,” Isak stopped himself. It didn’t matter. “Uh. What for?”

“Herman’s family lives in Bergen. They invited me over.”

“Oh,” was all that made it past Isak’s mouth.

Herman. Of course.

Isak had been so busy with Sigve and classes and his feelings that he didn’t even realize that Even had his own thing going on.

It must have been serious, too. Isak hadn’t even met Sigve’s dog yet, let alone been invited to Christmas dinner.

“That’s cool,” said Isak with a lump in his throat. “Bergen’s nice.”

“We can go sometime,” said Even, his hand reaching for Isak’s but never finding it. “If you want.”

“Yeah. It would be chill,” Isak swallowed, hoping that Even couldn’t tell he was about to cry.

“Are you mad at me?” It was almost a whisper. A cruel whisper.

“No. Why would I be?”

_Lies. Such lies._

“Sigve and you are cute,” Even smiled. “Like really cute. I couldn’t handle it in the library earlier.”

_Lies._

“Why?” Isak smiled, too. “Were you jealous?”

They were both idiots.

“Broke my damn heart,” Even said with another forced smile, a hand on top of his chest. “I lost you to a high schooler.”

“I thought I was the dramatic one in this relationship,” Isak leaned backwards against the door.

“What can I say? Walking in on you fucking him has changed me to say the least.”

“Oh please,” Isak rolled his eyes, his skin crawling at the crudeness of it all. “If you want me to fuck you, all you have to do is ask.”

_What the fuck, Isak. what in the actual fuck._

Even’s eyes looked particularly blue, all wide like that in front of Edvard’s house. Isak imagined that his own eyes were just as wide. He shouldn’t have said that.

“I thought you hated that joke,” Even breathed with a smile, his voice low, his voice torture.

“I think I get it now.”

.

Isak didn’t think too much about Even in the following days. He was too busy getting ready for Christmas and trying to figure out if he wanted to break up with Sigve or make it official. He wasn’t sure if Christmas was a good time for breaking his heart. Perhaps, he should wait a bit.

Even was away and it was good for him to clear his mind. He barely thought about what Even and Herman were up to, about how close they were for Herman’s family to invite him over, about how Even didn’t love him at all.

Isak barely thought about it. He focused on posting embarrassing pictures of Mutta and Sonja, on buying a cute little outfit for Coco whom he still hadn’t met, and on taking Edvard and Tequila out for a stroll.

It was getting too cold now and Edvard couldn’t walk in the snow, so Isak suggested the indoor gym at UiO. It was stupid but Edvard agreed. He wanted to stretch his legs after all.

Edvard was a wonderful person, but for some reason he never warmed up to Sigve, despite all the tea and the blushing. He simply wasn’t impressed. He was almost cold towards him, even. Isak wondered if it was Even’s fault.

* * *

**Even**

**11:23**

Oy curly

THAT’S NOT MY NAME

Oy grumpy*

-_-

Wassup

How’s Edvard?

I miss him

He misses you too

For real?

I’m trying to get him a christmas present but i’m freaking out

Weirdo

What are you getting him?

I don’t know yet

I have a good idea

?

You could be nice to him for like a day

Piss off

No but seriously i need help

Is Sigve getting him anything?

Wouldn’t wanna end up with the same gift

He doesn’t even like Sigve

Lol

LOL?

:p

What did you tell him?

Why would i have to tell him anything??

Sometimes i wonder if Edvard is even real

Or if he’s just an older version of you

Lol wtf

Weird images in my head right now

Wtf

Omg why are you so gross

I’m sorry

Wtf

So like Edvard would be me from the future or something?

Or something

Why would i travel from the future

To fix something?

Like in the Butterfly Effect?

That doesn’t end well

Or Seventeen Again?

You and your Zac Efron obsession

Should have known you were into dick then

HAHAHAHA

Isak that was actually funny

I’m impressed

Piss off :p

So i’m back to save the world or something?

Yeah or something

Or maybe fix something

Maybe a relationship

Or something

Or something

:)

I have to go

See you

<3

* * *

_Or something._

.

The truth was that Isak was a little bit upset. It was Christmas after all. And Isak hadn’t spent a Christmas without Even since he was ten. Even was always there on Christmas because Christmas used to be tough. Christmas used to be the worst. Isak had to be a good boy on Christmas and Even was always there to take care of him.

He still remembered the year his mother had sat him at a table while guests gathered around their house and how she had held his hand over a lit candle. He still remembered the sting of the flames on his palm. He still remembered how much it hurt, how tears had gathered around his eyes and how young he had been. Twelve or thirteen. How hard her grasp had been around his hand, how her fingers had dug deep. Isak still remembered how scared he was, how he was shaking but how he couldn’t move.

_“The flames are hot. Aren’t they, Isak?”_ she had said.

_“Yes, Mamma.”_

_“Does it burn? Does it hurt?”_

_“Yes, Mamma.”_

She had then made his hand dip lower until his palm burned and he let out a cry.

_“Remember that it’s always like this in hell.”_

Even had slapped her hand away that day and wrapped him in a hug. He was only fourteen or fifteen, but he had glared at Isak’s mother and taken him under his wing.

_“You can’t do that. Don’t ever hurt him like that!”_

Even was always there for him on Christmas. But this year he wasn’t. This year, he was running around with some guy named Herman. 

_Because he doesn’t love me._

.

“Oh,” Edvard gasped when he saw him, bringing both hands to his face. He was truly adorable.

“Uh. I’m like months late,” Isak stammered, parading awkwardly out of his room in the black suit Edvard had gotten him on Halloween which somehow fit him perfectly.

“You look perfect!” said Edvard, his hands still over his mouth. “Like a gentleman. You look like a gentleman, Isak!”

_I wish you were my grandpa._

“I need help with the tie,” Isak blushed, moving closer in the living room.

“Of course! Of course!”

He hadn’t seen him this excited since his favorite contestant won ‘Shall We Dance’. It was truly amazing how such little things could make his days.

“Thank you for the suit,” Isak mumbled while looking at the ground. “I know I’m awful for not saying anything before.”

“It’s okay,” he felt Edvard smile above him, his worn out hands working on the tie meticulously. “I didn’t exactly consult with you.”

“I love it,” said Isak with flushed cheeks and damp palms. “Thank you so much, Edvard.”

“My pleasure, Isak. I’m just happy you like it.”

Isak still couldn’t lift his eyes off the ground when Edvard was done, too overwhelmed with emotions and not trusting himself not to start bawling.

“Are you alright, Isak?” Edvard inquired and it was all it took really.

Isak was lonely and tired. So lonely.

“No one has ever been this kind and generous to me before,” said Isak with a lump in his throat. “Thank you so much.”

It was awkward and weird but Isak still hugged Edvard. It only lasted for a second, but it was enough to fill him with comfort.

“You deserve all the kindness and generosity you get, Isak.”

And perhaps, Edvard was a future version of Even. His eyes were just as kind. Just as blue under all those wrinkles. And Isak had lied, Even was just as kind and generous. But he wasn’t here today.

If Even from the present wasn’t here, perhaps he could take Even from the future. Edvard was always dressed anyways. He was always ready for someone to take him out, hopeful, hopeful, hopeful.

“Are you free tonight, Edvard?”

.

Seeing his mother at this time of the year after everything that had gone down between them always felt surreal. She was doing better. She was receiving treatment. She was recovering. She wasn’t as delusional and cruel as before. She was fine. But deep down, Isak couldn’t forgive some things. He couldn’t forgive the pain she had put him through, the fire she had held his skin against, both figuratively and literally, in the name of God. Isak couldn’t forgive some things.

He was probably better at forgiving her when Even was around. But tonight he wasn’t. Tonight, he was off somewhere in Bergen with some pretty boy named Herman.

_Because he doesn’t love me._

Mutta and the rest of the gang was there as promised, and Isak’s heart warmed up when he saw Jonas, Magnus, Mahdi, Eva, Noora, Vilde, Sana, and Chris, too. They had no business being in a Church on Christmas, but here they were. And it was all for him. Even Sigve was there, tucked between Jonas and Eva with his rosy cheeks.

Isak suddenly felt self-conscious and embarrassed. He didn’t want to do this. Even talked him through it every year, but he wasn’t here this year.

_Why aren’t you here with me? Why would you let me do this by myself? I thought you were my biggest fan. I thought you were-_

* * *

**Even**

**20:19**

You look tense

Fancy a massage?

??

Smile

You’re pretty when you smile

Wtf

Are you here

Of course i’m here

You’re singing in your mom’s church like you do every year

Of course i’m here

* * *

Isak felt like crying in his perfect expensive designer suit. He felt like crouching and bawling his eyes out for a minute or two in the middle of the church. He hadn’t realized just how much it hurt. How much he had internalized everything like he always did.

_I’m a mess. I’m such a mess._

So when Even came up to find him in his messy blue hair, suit pants, pointed shoes, white shirt, and no tie, Isak leaned against him with no air in his lungs.

He felt smothered. He felt overwhelmed. He felt home. In his arms.

“I thought you were in Bergen,” Isak breathed.

“I can never miss this,” Even replied with a hand in Isak’s hair, stroking gently.

“I thought you forgot. I thought-”

“I’m sorry,” said Even. “I’m here now. I’m sorry.”

They hugged for a little while with people setting up things around them. And Isak wondered if his mother could see them hugging on the side of the temporary stage. He wondered if she still thought he was going to end up in hell like she always claimed when she caught him staring at boys.

He wondered if their friends could see, if Sigve saw how fragile and vulnerable he was in front of Even, only Even. Isak wondered in his arms until it was time to let go.

“Go make me cry again, angel,” Even smiled.

“Shut up!” Isak rolled his eyes, blushing furiously.

The truth was that if it weren’t for Even, Isak would have probably still been living in a vicious cycle of self-loathing. He would still be going to church and reading about how all homosexuals needed to be burned. He would then go to choir practice and sing on Christmas in front of other believers.

Even didn’t make him break up with religion per se. He just helped him think for himself. Some people needed religion. Some people felt freed by religion because it helped them make sense of the world, and that was perfectly fine. It was a matter of faith after all. But for him, it was nothing but suffocating, nothing but smothering. It didn’t help him understand the world. It just made him hate himself.

He simply didn’t have that: Faith. And Even had helped him realize that it was okay.

Isak still sang on Christmas though, for her, his mother. Mostly for her, because it was the one thing she looked forward to all year and because Lea would have done it for her. Because before Lea’s death, she used to be the one singing for everyone at Church.

Isak could do this. For her and for Lea. And he did it every year with a little push from Even and Mutta.

.

“What are you singing this year?” Mutta asked.

“O Helga Natt.”

“No idea what that is. But awesome,” said Mutta. “Also who’s that old man looking at you like he’s about to cry?”

“That’s Edvard,” said Isak.

“Who’s Edvard?”

“My roommate.”

“Your what?!” Mutta gaped at him.

“Gotta go sing this song now. Talk to you later.”

.

The praise always got to him. Isak hated singing in public and he barely remembered any of it, always blacking out at the beginning of every song. But he basked in the praise. He loved it. He knew he wasn’t that good of a singer, puberty having roughened up his ‘angelic’ -- as Even put it -- voice from when he was younger and all, but he still enjoyed the praise.

Sigve looked like he wanted to do things to him right then and there in the church, and Mutta and Elias kissed his head maybe five times. He had never seen muslims this excited to go spend time in a church.

Isak was so excited that he kissed his mother’s cheek and shook his father’s hand.

He was so excited that he quietly introduced Mutta to Edvard when nobody was looking. Edvard who looked like he was on the verge of tears.

“After party at my house!” Eva declared. “Everyone needs to keep the fancy outfits on!”

Isak loved the praise. He loved it. But nothing came close to how his heart felt like it was being set ablaze when Even praised him. Nothing.

So when Even dragged him by the hand to a dark corner right by the big house that Isak loved so much while everyone walked ahead of them, he let himself be dragged.

“You’re amazing,” said Even, his fingers touching Isak’s in the dark, just a feathery touch, but a touch nonetheless. “You were amazing.”

“Yeah right,” Isak laughed nervously, looking down.

“Do you have any idea what you do to my heart when you sing?”

Isak looked up at those words. _His heart. I do things to his heart._

“Shut up,” he laughed again.

They stood there under the big house’s main entrance, shielded from the world, shielded from everything, and Isak wondered if Sigve had taken the hint by now, if he was hurt, if he was upset.

“What are you thinking about?” Even asked, his fingers a bit braver now, almost laced with Isak’s now.

“Honestly?”

“Honestly,” said Even.

Isak sighed then laced their fingers, his heart dropping in his chest. _This isn’t right. Friends don’t hold hands in the dark._

“Sigve,” Isak admitted. “I’m thinking about Sigve and how hurt he must be right now.”

_I’m thinking about how you don’t love me but love to have me wrapped around your finger. I’m thinking about how I’m yours when you’re everybody else’s. I’m thinking about whether I can ever find love elsewhere when I can’t stop glorifying you and our memories together. I’m thinking about whether that’s even feasible when you keep making me promises whenever I think I’m a little bit over you. I’m thinking about how you promised that we would get married right here in this house and about how you run away whenever anything happens between us. I’m thinking about how much you hurt me and how I keep coming back to you. I’m thinking about the stupid picture you look at when you’re sad and I’m wondering if it’s a picture of me. God. Please tell me that’s it’s a picture of me, even if you don’t love me._

_Even when you don’t love me. I’m thinking about how I love you even when you don’t love me._

Even let go of his hand and they joined the rest of the group after they both wiped their eyes like idiots overcome with emotion.

.

Isak was running around the house with Sonja on his back because they were both drunk and happy. Sigve was playing with Vilde’s hair, and Mutta was actually talking to Noora this time around. It was a successful party, really.

All the awkwardness from the dark corner by the house of his dreams had actually evaporated, and Even came to get him about an hour in to take embarrassing pictures of Adam who had passed out in the stairs.

It was a successful party. It really was.

But then around one in the morning, Isak could no longer think, could no longer pretend he cared about Sigve, could no longer bear the fake shit. So he pulled out his phone and texted Even while holding eye contact across the room. _Him._

* * *

**Even**

**01:23**

What’s your most precious memory?

?

What’s the picture you look at when you’re sad?

Why

Just tell me

It’s two pictures

Not one

Are they pictures of me?

I just want to know

of course they're pictures of you

* * *

_He loves me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well well well.  
> please don't kill me about Sigve. I know most people hate reading about our favorite characters with other characters, especially OCs. But in a way, Sigve is there to make Isak realize how little he values himself. he feels so protective of this kid who's pretty much him before Even hurt him, and he wants to treat him the right way because that's all he wants, for someone to treat him right. i really wanted him to realize that. that he deserves everything.
> 
> Even kinda gives up at the end and bares his heart to Isak. so let's see if that's a grand enough gesture for him. 
> 
> Mutta and Edvard. I'm excited.  
> Next chapter is New Year's and body shots. things become less hard. but someone gets sick and ends up in the hospital :( Hope you're still reading. <333
> 
> someone on twitter suggested that Edvard was Even from the future and I just couldn't help mYSELF. i had to somehow include it. the scene with his mom holding his hand over the flames was almost directly taken from THELMA. If you haven't watched this movie i highly recommend it. it's mindblowing.
> 
> PS: leave a comment if you felt something, anything. i love you all so much!! thanks for keeping me going and for all your comments and asks and words of encouragement. means the whole world. <3


	7. Choose Me (1984)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> featuring Christmas, pictures, memes, swing sets, confessions, fireworks, a visit to the hospital, and kissing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is around 17 written almost all in one sitting. help me.  
> enjoy <3
> 
> here's the link to the [NLMLY playlist](http://cuteandtwisted.tumblr.com/post/167330247050/nobody-loves-me-like-you-isakeven)

_Of course they’re pictures of you._

.

Isak remembered the first time he got punched in the face in secondary school very vividly and he always considered it the most violent physical shock his body had ever experienced.

He had been thirteen or fourteen and Even had held the cold can of Fanta he had on him over his bruised cheekbone while he struggled to regain his breath -- Elias and Adam lunging at the boy who had cracked his face open in the background.

He still remembered how it felt to have air punched right out of his lungs and how speechless he had been for a little while, how breathless and dizzy.

Isak didn’t really remember why he got punched. He just knew that it was somewhat warranted and that he had made up with the kid later over some video game in someone’s house.

What he remembered very clearly, however, was how much it had hurt and how utterly frozen and speechless he had felt. How the only thing keeping him grounded while his ears rang had been the blue in Even’s wide eyes. Blue, blue, blue. Calming, soothing. Blue. Even was panicking too -- he could tell -- but he had kept his eyes on Isak’s and his hands on his face until he calmed down, until Isak realized that he was okay, that he was safe.

Isak had been thirteen or fourteen, but even back then he knew. He knew that only one thing could make everything hurt less.

_As long as your eyes are on mine._

.

Thirteen or fourteen year old Isak was wrong. And tonight, the punch to his heart felt more brutal than the one to his cheekbone in secondary school, more damaging, more crippling. The blue in Even’s eyes from across the room doing nothing but fueling the fire in his chest and the hurt -- the crippling hurt -- in his heart.

He gripped his phone harder until his knuckles went white, his sight a bit fuzzy as he struggled to wrap his head around the pictures Even had just sent him.

_What. When. How. What the fuck. What the fucking fuck._

He fumbled with the screen, trying to adjust the brightness to examine the black and white pictures for hints, to check if they weren’t just photoshopped, if this wasn’t some fucked up joke. But deep down, Isak knew that they were real. He knew when they had been taken. He knew, but he couldn’t really believe it. So he leaned against the wall and stared at the pictures until his chest’s rising and falling started mirroring the storm in his heart and his mind.

Isak couldn’t breathe. Isak couldn’t see.

_Pictures of me. Pictures of us. Together in bed. Shirtless. Me on his chest. Asleep. Shirtless. The only time we slept shirtless was when we fucked. And the duvet. That’s my old duvet. The duvet I gave him because he couldn’t sleep and because it helped him sleep. What the fuck._

“Isak?” a peppy voice snapped him back to reality. It belonged to Eva who looked a bit confused and slightly worried. “Are you okay?”

“What?” Isak breathed and it came out ragged and panicky.

“You look like someone just leaked your nudes,” she joked, but he didn’t laugh.

He wasn’t drunk but he wasn’t sober either, the alcohol in his system making his mind race wildly as it tried to catalogue memories and recent events while imagining Even in bed late at night looking at those pictures of them to feel better.

_‘My most precious memory.’_

_Your most precious memory. Holding me in bed after you fucked me, after you made love to me, after you made me cry and told me that nobody loved me like you loved me._

_Why does it sound like you love me?_

“Isak?” Eva repeated, her tone slightly more worried now. Isak would have started feeling self-conscious if he had had a little less alcohol. But he couldn’t even hear her now. He could barely see her, his eyes bouncing from his phone to Even who looked just as wrecked, just as fucked, staring at him from across the room with parted lips as if he couldn’t believe he had just done that.

_Why do you fuck me up like this?_

Isak didn’t know who started walking towards whom first, but they were both in each other’s faces now, Isak clutching his phone and Even clutching his own heart -- as if it hurt -- both of them breathing hard at one thirty in the morning while ‘I Follow Rivers’ played through Eva’s speakers, making him wonder who was in charge of the playlist and if they were out to get him. It was that stupid song from that stupid ‘Blue Is the Warmest Color’ movie that Even was obsessed with. It was that stupid song from Isak’s favorite scene, when Adele simply let go and danced at her heart’s content while mouthing the stupid words.

_I, I follow, I follow you_

_Deep sea baby, I follow you_

_I, I follow, I follow you_

_Dark doom honey, I follow you_

Even stared at him with an intensity that he thought was reserved for when it was just the two of them in some dark corner at three in the morning on a cold Friday while they were both high out of their minds, or in a swimming pool with Isak’s legs wrapped around his waist in a failed attempt to drown him before sexual tension settled in, or on the couch when Mutta fell asleep and Isak touched his hand without meaning to, or in Even’s bed when Isak surrendered and asked him to open him up.

Isak felt naked and paper thin under his stare. Again that feeling. All too consuming, like unwelcomed heat in his chest. Not the kind that kept him warm but the kind that crippled him inside and rendered him powerless.

“What do you want from me?” Isak mouthed because Even wasn’t saying a word, his hand still on his heart, his eyes still blue and haunting.

_‘What do you want from me?’_ The same question Isak had asked the night they slept together.

“For you to fucking see me,” Even replied with a vulnerability that felt too out of character for him. Even didn’t break often. But when he did, he broke hard.

_‘Stop fucking with my head, Even,”_ Isak should have said those words. He knew he should have said something about how Even couldn’t expect things from him then run into the sunset with some guy named Herman in Bergen. But he couldn’t. Not when Even looked like that.

“Are you drunk?” Isak asked because he noticed how he was leaning on him a bit.

“Yes,” said Even, a hand curling around the pocket of Isak’s blazer, leaning against him even more.

Isak loved role reversals but wasn’t very fond of this one. Even only ever got drunk when he was hurting. And Isak hated it when Even was hurting.

Suddenly all the pain in his own heart had stopped mattering for a little while, Isak too focused on Even’s, always Even’s.

“Do you want to go home?” he asked, hesitantly, mimicking Even’s voice when he took him home.

“No. I’m not that drunk,” Even smiled faintly.

He looked so dreamy, so cozy, so beautiful. Isak almost wanted to touch, to drag him by the hand to the nearest bed and just roll around in his arms until they both smelled like each other again.

“Thank you for coming to the church tonight,” said Isak, because he had suddenly realized that he hadn’t thanked him for being there, too busy being angry and lying to himself and the world.

“I wanted to surprise you,” said Even, his fingers curling into a light fist in Isak’s pocket. “I wanted to be the highlight of your night like some jealous dickhead. I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing?” Isak found himself asking when he had been enraged with him just a few minutes before that.

“I could have just told you I was coming. But I had this fantasy of showing up and surprising you,” Even spoke in a low voice that Isak was sure no one else got to hear, his hand nearly tearing his pocket. “In my fantasy, you smiled and you were happy and you only saw me. Instead I made you sad with my bullshit. I didn’t realize I was being a douche until you hugged me. I’m sorry.”

It was as though his inner turmoil had dissipated, Isak’s thoughts now all tuned to Even’s demons -- Even who did even more overthinking than him.

“It’s okay,” Isak replied, his own hand now coming up to rest on Even’s in his pocket to make him loosen up the fist, to make him relax and breathe. Even looked like he couldn’t breathe. “It’s alright. You didn’t make me sad. I’m just happy you came.”

The tenderness. It was all they had. Even could break his heart and sleep with other people. He could send him pictures of them in bed with no explanation and tear him open in the middle of a party. He could disappear on him when he needed him the most only to “surprise him” later. And Isak would still hold Even’s hand if it looked like he was having a hard time, parking all of his thoughts and feelings and pushing them aside. Because they could wait. His heart could wait.

The tenderness. It was all they had.

_You before me. Always._

It couldn’t have been healthy, but it was what they did. It was all they had.

“Stop lying to me,” Even mumbled with despair in his voice, his fingers now gripping Isak’s in his pocket. “Please, Isak. Please.”

“What?” Isak gasped, the request catching him off guard.

“Just give me shit if I hurt you. Stop saying it’s fine. This is why we keep hurting each other.”

“I-”

Isak opened and closed his mouth several times trying to come up with something, but his brain had somehow short circuited. He was blanking out.

It was only then that Isak remembered that they were at a party with people surrounding them, only then that he noticed the disapproving look on Mutta’s face and the worried one on Sonja’s.

_We’re fine. Mind your own damn business._

Isak was about to drag Even outside and ask about the pictures and what they meant -- now that they were both seemingly honest with each other -- when he realized who the body curled against Mutta’s on the couch belonged to. _Sigve._

Sigve was half asleep on Mutta’s shoulder, safely tucked between him and Noora who looked like she was trying to make sure he was okay and making him drink water. If Isak didn’t know any better, he would have assumed that Mutta was annoyed because Sigve was interrupting them. But that look. Isak knew that look. It was the _“You’re doing this shit again”_ look, the _“you’re setting yourself up for disappointment and clinging onto Even who might drop you if things get too much when you have a boy who drank all night because you wouldn’t pay attention to him”_ look.

Sigve. Isak hadn’t even looked in his direction all night, his heart too busy gravitating toward Even, his eyes too busy following the back of his head all night, like a lovesick fool searching for blue, just blue.

_I’m sorry._

“Fuck,” Isak sighed, letting go of Even’s hand and finally realizing how cruel they both must be looking right now.

And when Even reached for his hand again with a whimper -- a whimper! -- asking, pleading, Isak’s heart dropped in his chest.

“Please!” Even’s voice broke as he begged with one word while gripping his fingers, making Isak want to give him the world right then and there without even knowing what he was asking for.

_Please what? Please what, Even?_

Isak had never denied Even anything. He had never chosen anyone over him, not even himself.

“I have to take him home,” Isak mumbled after a long pause, taking a step back and his hand away, realizing how hurtful this might be if Even did love him after all. “We can talk later,” he added, knowing very well that they wouldn’t, that this would just be swept under the rug as always.

Isak knew that he shouldn’t have looked at Even after saying those words, that he should have averted his gaze, but he still did. He looked at him and his heart broke. Even looked heartbroken. _Fuck. Why is this so complicated._

“Later,” Even repeated, his hands hanging by his sides and looking weird, as if he didn’t know what to do with himself now that he had bared a little bit of his soul to Isak.

“Yeah, later,” said Isak.

“Promise?” Even added in a sheepish way, as if he had the same thought. _We’re never going to talk about this._

“Promise,” Isak lied before walking away.

. 

Sigve curled into Isak the moment he recognized him, throwing both arms around his neck when Isak wrapped his own around his waist to get him off the couch.

“Let’s get you home, huh?” Isak spoke softly because he liked it when Even spoke to him softly while trying to get him to go home.

“Missed you,” Sigve mumbled against his neck now that he was on his feet, his entire body leaning against Isak. “Isak. I missed you.”

It made his heart sink because he hadn’t missed him at all and because he could recognize the longing in his voice. Isak couldn’t recall how many times he had ended up drinking too much at a party only to hang off of Even’s neck whispering _‘I missed you’s,_ too.

Even. Mutta had taken him home and Isak was grateful because he didn’t want him to see this, Sigve tucked against his side like this. Isak craved the attention but he didn’t want to hurt anyone.

Jonas offered to help take Sigve home, but Isak figured it was his fault he had felt the need to drink this much. Maybe. Or maybe not. Maybe Sigve didn’t like him that much and he was just flattering himself.

“I like you so much,” Sigve whispered with his eyes closed against Isak’s collarbones in the taxi, a soft smile on his lips. “So fucking much, Isak. Did you know?”

Isak knew now. And he had two hearts, two boys, to think about tonight. He almost felt like laughing. This was all he had wanted for so long. Some attention, someone to see him and want him and pine after him for once. How did he get here?

Isak lowered the window and let the cold air harshly slap against his cheek, sobering him up, hurting him, punishing him. Because he deserved it.

Isak wondered if Even felt this burdened every time he had to take him home too. He wondered if Isak’s crystal clear feelings for him were a burden, too.

.

Sigve might have been smaller than him, but carrying him up the stairs was a challenge, especially when he tried to plant his lips on Isak’s skin every time they rounded a corner.

“I love your taste,” Sigve mumbled, giggling drunkenly.

_‘I love your smell,’_ Isak had giggled into Even’s skin on Halloween, trying to kiss his face, too.

Isak had never stepped into Sigve’s apartment before but he knew where he lived. And despite being drunk, Sigve made sure to get his keys out and hand them to him.

Navigating the apartment without waking anyone up was a challenge and Isak hoped that his parents wouldn’t get freaked out if they were to leave their room.

“Don’t worry. No one’s here,” said Sigve while leaning against him, as if he read his mind. “It’s just my dad and me and he’s never here cause he hates me.”

Isak’s heart pinched at that. He didn’t know anyone else with a shitty family situation like him.

“I’m sure that’s not true,” Isak replied nervously.

“It is though,” Sigve shrugged. “He hates me cause I’m a fag. You know.”

Isak’s heart hurt. He could almost hear it breaking in his own chest. Sigve’s life was far from being perfect but he still smiled as if nothing was weighing on his mind. _How._

“It’s just Coco and me,” Sigve smiled again, looking pretty as ever, as if he hadn’t just said one of the most devastating things Isak had ever heard. “Say hi Coco!”

Coco was a big dog and he had heard them, of course. He was a golden retriever and he nearly bit Isak’s leg off and ruined the suit Edvard had gotten him, barking uncontrollably as if he could tell that Isak was hurting his person.

“Shhh,” Sigve giggled again. “It’s just Isak. We like Isak.”

By the time they reached what he assumed was Sigve’s room, locking the door behind them to keep Coco out, Isak was ready to pass out, exhausted and spent from dragging him around. So when Sigve pulled him down on the bed next to him, Isak didn’t resist it.

Even was probably asleep already. There was nothing else to do.

“I’m sorry I’m so fucked up,” Sigve whispered, both arms coming up to hug Isak’s chest. “Forgive me.”

This boy. He broke his heart whenever he said anything.

“You just got too much to drink. It’s okay,” said Isak, accepting the warmth of his body and hugging him back.

“I like you so much,” Sigve repeated, his hold tightening as if he was afraid Isak might disappear. “I love everything about you.”

Isak was overwhelmed. He had never at the receiving end of so much affection and admiration. He didn’t know how to deal with this. He typically initiated this. All the clinging and drunken confessions. He had almost invented the concept.

“I like you, too,” said Isak, because he did. Maybe not the same way Sigve craved him, but he still did. They had interesting conversations and the sex was good. Of course he liked him.

Sigve smiled at that and hugged him tighter, if that was even possible, tilting his head upwards and finally opening his green eyes, a blush high up on his cheeks.

“Kiss me?” he asked with hope in his voice.

Isak kissed him. It was just a peck but Sigve nearly melted in his arms, whimpering softly.

Then it hit him. This was what Isak and Even did most Fridays after most parties.

Isak would get drunk out of his mind because he was too hurt, because he wanted more, and because Even was never wholly his. Then Even would take him home because he always felt responsible for him, because he still felt guilty for sleeping with him and for giving him hope when he didn’t want more, Isak hanging off of his arm or neck and confessing how much he liked his smell or his smile or the taste of his skin. Then they would fall into bed and Isak would ask for a kiss or two or three, melting into each peck, even when it was the lightest brush of his lips.

Even didn’t love him. Even felt bad for him.

Just like Isak felt bad for Sigve.

It was pity.

_Fuck._

Isak cried when Sigve fell asleep against his chest. He brought both palms to his eyes and cried silently because his heart couldn’t take this anymore. He cried until exhaustion came to his rescue and dragged him to sleep.

.

Isak woke up before Sigve but couldn’t bring himself to leave because he felt that would be too cruel. So he played with Coco -- or at least defended himself while the damn dog tried to murder him -- until he woke up.

“I’m sorry about last night,” Sigve mumbled, looking adorable in his pajamas and pink cheeks.

“Don’t be,” Isak smiled in his wrinkled shirt and suit pants. “I do this all the time.”

Sigve smiled at that and made both of them breakfast.

“Are you in love with Even?” Sigve asked very casually while scrolling down his instagram feed, making Isak choke on some brand of cereals that he had never tried before.

“What?!” Isak coughed with wide eyes.

“I just. I would just like to know,” he stammered. “It’s okay. I know we’re not like boyfriends or anything.”

“What makes you think that?” Isak responded weakly, putting his spoon down and reaching for the water, very well aware that it probably made him sound like a patronizing dick.

“I don’t know,” Sigve shrugged, looking down. “The way you look at him? I don’t know. Like he’s the only person in the room.”

Isak’s heart started racing after that. Of course Sigve could tell. He wasn’t stupid. Of course. Still, Isak didn’t know what to say so he focused on downing the entire glass of water.

“It’s fine,” Sigve chuckled after a long period of awkward and painful silence. “It’s none of my business, really. I know you two have history. It’s okay.”

_Stop saying it’s okay. Damn it!_

_“Stop lying to me, Isak. Just give me shit if I hurt you.”_

Everything was starting to make sense now. Every word drove a different knife to his heart.

“You deserve someone who only sees you in the room,” said Isak while staring at his own hands, feeling a bit overwhelmed and stupid.

“So do you,” said Sigve. “You deserve that, too.”

.

Isak left with his heart feeling heavy in his chest, still wearing his new suit which was now all wrinkled and possibly ruined. He hoped Edvard wouldn’t be too mad. He could certainly try to get it dry cleaned later.

_Later._

_‘We can talk later.’_

_‘Promise?’_

_‘Promise.’_

Isak checked his phone and sighed when he read the most recent text he got from Even.

_‘Of course they’re pictures of you.’_

He hadn’t sent him anything after that and Isak was back to being confused and unsure. He didn’t know if it was actual feelings or if it was just pity mixed with possessiveness.

_‘Please!’_ Even had looked so genuine and so broken. Isak couldn’t even handle thinking about it. So he pushed it to the back of his mind, stored it safely in pandora's box.

_‘Of course they’re pictures of you.’_

_‘Because you liked him too much.’_

_‘I can’t share you.’_

_‘Don’t fuck him. It’s killing me.’_

_‘Nobody loves you like I love you’_

_‘Your mouth anywhere near me is heaven.’_

All kinds of words that Isak chose to forget about because sometimes they sounded a lot like ‘I love you.’

.

“Welcome back,” Edvard greeted him with a warm smile as he stepped into the house, wearing a sweater Isak had never seen him wear before. He didn’t even think Edvard wore sweaters. “You must like the suit a lot.”

“Uh, yeah, crap,” Isak stammered, blushing slightly. “Rough night. I’ll get it dry cleaned. I promise.”

Edvard laughed and got up to go pour himself some coffee in the kitchen.

“I’m just glad you like it enough to wear two days in a row,” he smiled, making Isak smile, too. “We can always get you another suit. You’re a little star on stage. You need more suits.”

“Trust me. You don’t want me to get used to being spoiled, Edvard,” Isak replied with a laugh and another blush. “I can be insufferable.”

“Oh well. I have a lot of money and no one to spend it on. So please be insufferable. We can just pretend you’re my grandson when we go shopping.”  

Isak couldn’t really laugh at that because there was something inherently sad about that statement. Edvard was nearly ninety years old and no one wanted his money. No one was even pretending to like him for his money. Isak couldn’t imagine what he felt like.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, ignoring the ‘grandson’ part because family made Isak feel weird. “Uh. I’ll have some of your money if it makes you happy.”

Edvard laughed at that and Isak promised to hang out with him after taking a shower and changing.

.

“I really like your friend Mutta. You should invite him over,” said Edvard while Tequila purred on his lap. “If you want.”

Isak considered it for a moment. He had introduced them the previous night after all, and Mutta hadn’t said anything weird and was nothing but polite and respectful. It could work.

“I’ll tell him,” Isak shrugged.

“Also Even was so proud of you last night,” Edvard added in what seemed like a calculated move, bringing his cup of coffee to his mouth and looking away while petting Tequila with his free hand.

“Uh. Yeah.” Isak couldn’t help but squint his eyes.

Either Edvard really liked Even or his theory about him being a time traveler was right.

“What?” Edvard asked. Isak didn’t think he had ever heard him say ‘What?’

“Nothing,” Isak shrugged, still squinting his eyes before reaching for the remote and turning the TV on.

“What are you doing for Christmas, Isak?” Edvard eventually asked.

“Uh. Nothing. Why?”

“You’re not going to see your parents?”

“No,” Isak replied, feeling his chest deflate a bit. “I typically spend Christmas with Even’s family. But I don’t know about this year.”

Perhaps he could still go. It was tradition after all. Even’s mother might get angry if he didn’t go. Or he could use Edvard as an excuse not to go.

“What about this year?” said Edvard, sounding incredibly curious for such a cold morning.

“I don’t know,” Isak shrugged. “I used to live with them, so that’s why I spent it there. I don’t really have to now.”

“Oh understood.”

“What are _you_ doing for Christmas?” Isak figured he would ask. Sometimes people asked questions because they wanted to answer them themselves.

“Nothing,” Edvard smiled. “My oldest daughter will send me some food. You’re welcome to have some.”

Isak’s heart sank a bit. He hated Christmas but he figured it was about family. He figured one of the people in the pictures all over the house -- whom Isak assumed were Edvard’s family -- would show up. But no. They were both alone. Isak and Edvard.

“I’ll be here,” said Isak. “We can do nothing together.”

Edvard smiled and it felt like a warm hug,

* * *

**Even**

**14:18**

Hey

Can we talk?

Hi

Uh

Sure

How are you?

A bit hungover lol

I’m by Edvard’s

Meet me in the playground around the block?

In 10min?

Okay

:)

* * *

Isak was nervous. He didn’t think Even had ever suggested ‘talking’ before, especially so soon. He didn’t even think they would talk at all, wasn’t sure if he wanted to.

He put on a gray hoodie and on the green beanie he had stolen from Jonas and braved the cold with hands in his pocket.

He got to the playground in less than ten minutes and Even was already there, sitting on one of the swings and looking at his feet while holding two cups of what looked like coffee.

He was wearing layers, many, many layers, his blue hair barely visible under his burgundy beanie, and he looked cold and frail, but so so huggable.

“Hey,” Isak announced himself, feeling a bit colder than he had expected to.

“Hello,” Even replied, breaking into a grin. He was smiling but his voice suggested that he was nervous, too.

Isak walked over to him and sat on the swing next to his, now kicking rocks, too.

“Are you cold?” Even asked, handing him his coffee. “I have extra layers on.”

“Thanks,” Isak replied, accepting the hot coffee and nearly moaning at the warm contact. “And no, I’m fine.”

But before he knew it, Even had put his coffee down, left his swing, and crouched in front of him to remove the blue scarf from around his neck and wrap it around Isak’s.

“Why do you wear so little clothing? Are you trying to get sick?” Even complained like a Isak imagined a mother would.

“Sorry mom,” Isak joked, not resisting the scarf offering and blushing slightly at the gesture. So tender.

Even smiled up at him, still crouching in front of him, looking soft and beautiful and huggable.

“Still hungover?” Isak asked, one hand instinctively coming up to touch Even’s cheek. He couldn’t help it.

“Yeah. Just dehydrated,” Even shrugged, his own hand coming up to rest on top of Isak’s, both of them smiling now.

“Did Mutta take you home last night?” Isak asked, his thumb brushing against his cheekbone, noticing how Even’s eyes widened a bit at the touch. Isak was feeling brave. They were talking after pouring their hearts out to one another. Of course he was feeling brave.

“Yeah. He slept in my house,” said Even. “I might have said some dumb shit that made him want to stay.”

“Dumb shit like what?” said Isak, his head tilting to the side, reveling in how the little bit of sun that was left in the sky was casting the most beautiful light on Even’s face.

“Like how lonely I was or something,” Even chuckled.

_My baby._

Isak brushed his thumb over his cheekbone again, this time making him close his eyes for a short moment. It was so adorable.

“Yeah. The L word gets to Mutta,” Isak laughed although his heart hurt. He hated thinking about Even feeling lonely.

“The L word,” Even repeated, but mostly to himself.

And yeah, the ‘L word’ could have been many things. It could have been Lonely, or Lea, or Love, or Like, or Lesbian like in ‘Scott Pilgrim Vs the World’ -- not that Mutta would be thrown off by that last word. The L word. Isak couldn’t say it either.

_I love you._

“How’s Sigve?” Even ruined everything again. “He looked pretty out of it last night.”

Isak let out a deep breath and slowly began removing his hand from Even’s face.

“He’s okay. I should keep him away from Tequila next time,” Isak joked, hoping Even got the Tequila joke. Tequila the drink and Tequila the cat. But Even didn’t laugh.

“Next time,” Even repeated, sounding a little bit sad, his words more like a question. _‘There’s gonna be a next time? It’s not over?’_

“Yeah, next time,” said Isak, although he didn’t know. He wasn’t even sure what they were doing.

“And how are you today?” Even asked with a smile that would have looked genuine to anyone who didn’t know him well enough. It was his ‘I’m trying my best smile.’

_How am I today? In love with you._

“I’m alright. Can’t believe I managed to not get shitfaced for once,” Isak chuckled instead, looking at his own hands for a moment because he felt too much and couldn’t believe he thought these words with Even crouching right in front of him. What if he wasn’t careful and ended up blurting them out? What if-

Even’s hand found his cheek and Isak couldn’t help the gasp that escaped his mouth. It was the most tender touch and he couldn’t help but lean against it, almost whimpering. So soft. Everything they did was so tender.

“I’m sorry about my texts last night,” said Even. “I didn’t mean to make you feel weird when you have a boyfriend now. I wasn’t thinking.”

Another unwanted apology that did nothing but hurt.

Isak didn’t want Even to apologize for sending the pictures, just like he never wanted him to apologize for sleeping with him. One step forward, twelve steps back.

_God,_ it hurt.

“I don’t have a boyfriend now,” said Isak, his voice a bit harsh.

“Well, you know. Someone you like,” Even smiled. “I got a bit jealous cause you spend all your time with him now. I told you I can’t share you.” He chuckled.

It wasn’t funny. It wasn’t fair. Isak wanted to shove Even and spill his fucking coffee on him.

“What the fuck, Even?” Isak blurted out. He was so tired of this stupid game, of the fake smile on Even’s lips. He hated it.

“I deleted those pictures from my camera roll,” Even added, now looking at the ground and completely ignoring the rage in Isak’s voice. “I didn’t realize how creepy it was that I still had them. I mean I took them without your consent when I was manic. And it’s very creepy cause you were sleeping. I don’t know. I’m sorry.”

Isak was so angry that it took him a while to understand why he couldn’t see. He was crying.

Even was using the mania card. _Awesome._

Neither of them said a word, Even bringing his bare fingers to brush Isak’s silent tears away, looking on the verge of tears, too. He knew this was hurting Isak. He knew it.

“Don’t cry.”

“I hate you!” Isak shouted in his face and shoved him hard in the chest, making him nearly lose his balance. “I fucking hate you!”

Even stayed crouched in front of him with his feet firmly planted on the ground as if he had expected Isak to shove him, as if he were ready.

“I know,” Even mumbled, his hand back on Isak’s face, his thumb catching a tear and bringing it to his lips to lick it. “It’s better this way.”

“You’re a fucking asshole!” Isak shouted again because he couldn’t just seal his lips and go home and cry while smothering a fucking cat named Tequila anymore.

“I know,” Even replied, falling on his knees in front of him now. “I’m sorry.”

Isak shoved him again, and again, and again, until Even’s arms wrapped around his back in a stupid hug that he didn’t want to be a part of. Isak didn’t want to be here. He wished they hadn’t had this ‘conversation’. He was suddenly grateful for all the times they hadn’t ‘talked’ because he didn’t think having a knife driven to his heart was something he wanted to do again.

Isak surrendered eventually, stopped fighting it, stopped shoving and whining, and just held him back. He hugged him so hard that he hoped it hurt.

Isak didn’t know who ‘this way’ was better for because he was miserable and because Even looked miserable, too. They always spoke in riddles whenever things got too much that Isak was never sure what Even meant.

But this felt like a hard stop, like a breakup, like they had crossed a line but were backtracking now, with Isak literally shaking in Even’s arms in a playground in December the day before Christmas.

They had done this before, break up without ever being together. They had done this multiple times actually but it didn’t make it hurt any less.

They hugged until Isak could breathe again, until he no longer felt like punching someone, until he understood what ‘it’s better this way’ meant. They were messy and wrong for each other. They were both always confused because they could never trust their hearts. It was better this way.

“Are you coming over for Christmas dinner?” said Even when they finally parted, gasping a bit when he looked at Isak’s face. He could only imagine what he looked like after crying at his heart’s content.

“I don’t know,” said Isak, fishing for his hood to pull it over his beanie, hoping it would hide his face. “I don’t think I want to.”

_I don’t want to see you tomorrow._

“You don’t have to,” said Even. “I’ll talk to mom. She won’t be mad.”

“I thought you were doing Christmas with Herman,” said Isak. He didn’t even know who Herman was or what his relationship to Even was, but he still felt like throwing it out there.

“His mom invited me over two days ago because I helped him with the shoot and stuff,” Even shrugged. “It wasn’t literally Christmas dinner.”

The wind was cold and merciless and Isak was grateful for the additional ache. It didn’t dim the fire in his chest, but it did give him something else to focus on.

“Ask me more questions,” Even suddenly asked out of nowhere.

“Huh?”

“Mutta says we don’t communicate at all and that’s why we always end up like this. Ask me more questions.”

Isak looked up at Even who was now standing and towering over him, looking as if he were on a mission.

_Do you love me?_

“Who the fuck is Herman?” Isak blurted out instead.

“A guy from the photography class who asked me to model for him,” said Even, fishing for something in his pocket, probably a cigarette.

“How did you meet?” said Isak, and yes, it was a cigarette.

“I don’t remember. A party or something?” Even paused to light up the cigarette as Isak watched. He couldn’t hear the flicker of the lighter, his favorite sound, but he still enjoyed the view. “He followed me on instagram and I don’t remember the rest.”

“Did you fuck him?” Isak asked, feeling brave and crude all at once. There was probably a better way to ask if there was something going between them than this, but Isak couldn’t bring himself to care.

He had expected Even’s eyes to widen or for his body to twitch at least. But nothing.

“He fucked _me_ ,” Even answered casually, bringing the cigarette to his lips and taking a long drag as if he could finally breathe again.

Isak’s heart was hammering in his chest. _Wow._ All the doubting and jealousy and anxiety were warranted. Even was indeed sleeping with this guy.

“Just once though,” Even added. “He had been trying for a while but we didn’t get past blowjobs and stuff. Cause I’m not very experienced with guys.”

Isak couldn’t believe he was sitting there listening to this. He couldn’t believe Even was putting him through this.

“When?” Isak asked because he needed to know if it was right after they made out on Halloween.

“After I met Sigve. I think,” Even shrugged. “In the library, when you held him.”

_Fuck._

_‘If you want me to fuck you all you have to do is ask.’_

_Even ‘I fucked someone but only because you were being cute with someone else’ Bech Næsheim._

He was so cruel. His boy.

“In Bergen?” Isak asked with his ears ringing, his hands in fists.

“Yeah,” said Even.

“In his parents’ house?”

They both snorted after that, despite the tension and the tears and the hurt. They laughed like idiots, tentatively at first then almost barking in the cold.

“Yeah, I’m sure his mom heard me screaming,” Even laughed.

“Classy,” Isak chuckled, too.

“Gotta make an impression you know.”

It wasn’t funny but Isak still laughed.

“Did you like it?”

“Hm?” Even raised an eyebrow, the cigarette between his lips looking like the luckiest thing in the world right now.

“Getting fucked,” said Isak, then watched Even’s eyes go wide and dark. _Got you._

He felt crude and disgusting but he wanted Even to know how hard this was for him, how much it hurt him and made him want to say crude things.

“I did,” said Even, going back to smoking. “It was alright.”

“Did it hurt?” Isak asked. He couldn’t stop. He wanted to know everything.

_Is this how you felt when you thought I had had my first time with Vidar?_

“Yeah,” Even shrugged. “Whatever.”

“Did he take care of you?”

Even sighed at that, as if he hadn’t expected Isak to go there. He took a step back then took off his burgundy beanie, letting his blue hair down. It was almost distracting, the blue in his hair. Even looked uncomfortable, as if he didn’t want to answer this question.

“Isak. Can we just-”

“Is that why you came back early? Cause his mom caught you two fucking?” Isak changed his question, his heart sinking at the thought of this Herman guy not being gentle with Even. Even who was so delicate and so tender, it hurt.

“No,” Even replied, blowing a cloud of smoke into the wind. “I came back to watch you perform. I asked Mutta and he told me he would take you this year.”

_Fucking Mutta._ He knew Even was coming but didn’t tell him anything.

“So you came back for me?”

“Yeah,” said Even. “But you know that already.”

“No,” Isak sighed. “I don’t know shit anymore, Even.”

Even smiled that fake smile of his and gave Isak a look, the _‘Are we okay?’_ look. They weren’t but it was cold and Isak wanted to go home.

“Do you have other questions?” said Even.

_Do you love me? Do you love me? Do you love me?_

“No.”

.

Even walked Isak back to Edvard’s house and came inside to greet him and Tequila. It was as if nothing had happened, Even smiling like the goddamn sun while it was turning pitch dark outside.

_How do you do it? How?_

“You should stop by tomorrow, Even,” said Edvard. “Isak and I are going to eat delicious food.”

“My mom will kill me if I spend Christmas anywhere else,” Even smiled. “But I’ll try to stop by after dinner to bring gifts.”

_Gifts._

Well. Isak had completely forgotten about that.

.

Isak remembered the year Even saved up money to buy him a PlayStation 3 for Christmas, and how angry his parents had been that he spent all of his money on him.

Isak remembered how all of their friends thought it was weird that Even had gotten him a freaking PS3. He was fourteen and he didn’t understand why everyone was having little side conversations about it. Isak wanted a PS3 but couldn’t afford one, so Even got him one.

It shouldn’t have been a big deal.

Later on, Isak understood why everyone thought it was so weird that Even had spent an entire year saving up for his present. They didn’t understand how they were each other’s number one priority, always.

_You before me, always._

They didn’t get it.

Even never got him expensive things after that year, mostly surprising him with sketches, or funny socks, or weed, or tickets to some concert. And Isak did the same. They tried to make their gifts as creative and funny as possible. They spent the entire year giving each other things after all. It didn’t have to be this big deal.

Isak once got Even an iPhone case that spelled _“tall giraffe looking motherfucker”_ and he had actually kept it on for a few weeks. His favorite gift, however, was probably when he framed a picture of Even when he was younger, screaming naked while holding onto some animal’s horns. Isak couldn’t even remember the context of the picture but he thought it was perfect for a Christmas gift.

Christmas wasn’t a big deal.

Except for the late night cuddles, but Isak doubted those would be happening this year.

.

Isak woke up to a giant Christmas tree in the middle of the living room. He had no idea when it got there or who decorated it, but it was there and it was absolutely gorgeous. Isak only ever saw trees like this one in movies. Isak might have hated Christmas but he loved Christmas trees. They made him feel warm inside and they reminded him of Lea. They had always decorated the tree together.

“Last minute delivery,” Edvard smiled, emerging from behind the tree with a Christmas hat on. He was adorable.

“Wow,” Isak rubbed his eyes, sleep still weighing on his mind.

“Do you like it? I spent the morning decorating it with Even.”

_What the fuck._

“Even is here?” Isak asked.

“He left a few moments ago,” said Edvard. “He helped me set it up. What do you think?”

Isak couldn’t help but feel bitter and a bit jealous.

“I didn’t know,” said Isak. “You should have asked me to help. I wouldn’t have overslept.”

“It’s okay,” Edvard smiled. “It was Even’s idea. He said you like having Christmas trees in the house.”

Isak’s heart sank again. _You can’t break up with me and deliver a fucking Christmas tree to my house._

“I think it’s beautiful,” said Isak, sighing eventually. _Whatever. Stop being so dramatic._ “It’s lacking some colors though.”  

Edvard smiled and handed him a box full of Christmas lights and other decorative accessories.

“Colors? Like blue?” Edvard grinned and Isak hated him. He really couldn’t believe he was almost a century old sometimes.

.

Even knocked on the door around ten in the evening and Edvard looked so pleased with himself that Isak was convinced his current goal in life was to get them together, or make him die from embarrassment, or something.

“Merry Christmas, Edvard!” Even exclaimed with a box in his hand, all smiles, and crinkles, and lights.

He got both Tequila and Edvard blue scarves and Isak couldn’t help but roll his eyes -- even the damn cat got infested with the color blue now.

Even then pulled out his professional camera and took ‘family pictures’ of Isak, Edvard, and Tequila in front of the fireplace. He made Edvard sit on the chair with Tequila on his lap, and made Isak stand behind them, all three of them wearing red Christmas hats.

If Isak wasn’t too busy dying inside, he would have rolled his eyes. He also hadn’t seen Edvard this excited in a while.

So when Even put the timer on and placed the camera on one of shelves before running back to the three of them, Isak did his best to relax next to him.

They weren’t touching but Isak still felt his body heat, still felt him all over. And in a moment of total impulse, he reached out and wrapped an arm around Even’s waist.

“For the picture,” he mumbled, blushing like an idiot.

“For the picture,” Even replied, wrapping his arm around his shoulders as well and smiling.

“Let me take one of you two,” said Edvard with light dancing in his eyes.

“Uh.”

Even spent maybe two minutes explaining how and which button to press while Isak wriggled in the middle of the living room, watching both of them in their Christmas hats, Even’s blue hair peeking from underneath his.

_Just what the fuck are we doing._

“Okay, I got it,” said Edvard as Even walked back towards Isak.

He slid beside him the same way as before, wrapping an arm around his shoulders while Isak just stood there in his ugly green Christmas sweater which contrasted with Even’s red one.

“Hug him too, Isak,” said Edvard. “It’s Christmas.”

“Uh.”

They were conspiring against him. There was no other explanation.

Isak did as he was told and shyly wrapped an arm around Even’s waist. Then when Even leaned his head against his own, Isak felt himself falter.

“For the picture,” Even whispered in his ear.

“For the picture.”

Isak held his breath while Edvard instructed them to ‘Cheese!’, his eyes going wide when he felt Even’s lips on his cheek.

_For the picture._

“I love it!” Edvard exclaimed while Even laughed and Isak blushed.  

.

“It’s time for me to go to bed,” said Edvard right before disappearing into his side of the house, leaving both of them a bit lost and shy in the middle of the house.

“Do you want me to stay?” Even asked. He never had to ask before. On Christmas, they cuddled in front of the TV sometimes because Isak had nobody but Even and because he loved being cuddled on Christmas.

“Nah, it’s okay,” said Isak. “It’s late. You should go.”

He walked him to the entrance and wondered if Edvard realized his plan was failing when he opened the door to the outside, the wind feeling cold and harsh on his face.

“Thanks for coming,” said Isak. “It made Edvard very happy.”  

_And me. It made me happy, too._

“My pleasure,” Even smiled, making Isak suddenly remember something. “Hm?”

“My gift!” said Isak before turning around to go get it.

It was a stupid iPhone case again, only this time Isak hadn’t had time to get a customized one. So he just picked one with a blue sky on it.

“Didn’t have time to be funny this year,” said Isak, feeling a bit flustered as he handed it to him. “Reminded me of you.”

Even grabbed the iPhone case in its package and smiled. It looked genuine so Isak let out the breath he was holding.

“I love it,” said Even. “Thank you.”

“Yup,” Isak replied awkwardly.

“I got you something, too,” said Even, pulling out an envelope from the pocket of his puffy jacket. “Don’t worry it’s not money,” he joked.

“Phew. You scared me there,” Isak joked right back. “Is it a letter?”

“You can open it later,” said Even, not answering his question, the tip of his nose already pink from the cold. “I’m gonna go now.”

“Okay,” said Isak and for some reason it came out like a whimper. He was just tired.

But then the air stiffened around them and Isak couldn’t breathe all of a sudden, his heart stammering in his chest while the street lights cast soft shadows on Even’s face. _Even._ He looked at him like he loved him and Isak didn’t know what to do with himself when Even looked at him like he loved him.

“I-”

Even’s hand found his face and Isak whimpered again, this time embarrassingly. _Why do you touch me like you love me._  

His eyes were blue even in the dark and Isak wanted to kiss his eyelids. He really did.

His lips parted instinctively, his mind racing. _Kiss me now and let’s forget about our ‘talk’. Claim me now and let’s forget about Sigve and Herman and the whole fucking universe._

“Merry Christmas, baby,” Even spoke softly, his thumb brushing his cheekbone the way Isak liked it.

“Merry Christmas, Even.”

.

It wasn’t a letter. It was a poem. Or maybe it wasn’t. Isak didn’t know what poems looked like. Maybe it was just a piece of writing. Honestly, Isak couldn’t even breathe, let alone think clutching the damn paper as if he was about to drown. Isak didn’t know shit. He just knew that breathing hurt and that he was about to break.

* * *

 

> _my boy is the light. my boy is the sun. my boy thinks he is darkness but my boy is the sun. my boy is tender. my boy is warm. my boy makes the world look up and squint because he is the sun. my boy doesn’t know that he makes me whole, that he keeps me sane, that he keeps me here. my boy doesn’t know that i see stars when he puts his lips on mine, that i’m in heaven when he links his fingers with mine. my boy doesn’t know that he makes me cry, that he makes me blue, that he makes me try. my boy doesn’t know how my heart bleeds for him, just him. my boy doesn’t know that he is my HIM. my boy doesn’t know that he breaks me when he cries, that he breaks me when he smiles, that he breaks me when he sighs. my boy is the light and he keeps me here when he shines. my boy is tender. my boy is warm. my boy is the sun and he keeps me here when he smiles._
> 
> _Merry Christmas to my boy._
> 
> _-Even_

* * *

**Even**

**00:00**

You’re the sun

Not me

<3

* * *

Isak spent the following day with Mutta and Adam, playing video games and eating pizza. The boys didn’t celebrate Christmas, so it was ideal.

Adam left around three in the afternoon and Isak let his head fall backwards on the couch, sighing dramatically.

“Spill it,” said Mutta.

“What?” Isak looked up, opening one eye and burying both hands in his own hair.

“Did you talk to Even? Did you two figure stuff out?” said Mutta, looking very concentrated on beating some person online playing against him.

“What stuff?”

“I took him home the night of Eva’s party. He was so fucked up,” said Mutta.

“He wasn’t that drunk.”

“I didn’t mean drunk. I mean he was just,” Mutta sighed and paused the game or quit it, whatever, putting the console down and turning around to face Isak. “Like very sad and stuff. You know. He said he ruined everything between you two.”

Isak wondered why everyone thought he was the dramatic one out of the two.

“He’s so dramatic,” Isak sighed. 

“Maybe. But it made me feel like shit to be honest,” said Mutta.

“Huh?”

“Like. I’ve been neglecting him as a friend, you know. We all have. I don’t think I’ve had an honest conversation with him in ages. It’s like we talk about him all the time but never _to_ him.”

Isak closed his eyes for a bit and thought about Even’s words. _“You don’t see me.”_ He wondered if Even constantly felt invisible to people around him. If that was the reason he kept seeking comfort in strangers’ arms, running off to Bergen and to the mountains whenever he got the chance. If those people _saw_ him.

“Everything is so fucked between us right now,” Isak finally admitted, bringing one arm to cover his eyes where he lay on the couch. “I can’t even talk to him without feeling like dying. I don’t know what to do.”

“Did you try talking?” said Mutta. “I told him that you two should talk. But I see that it didn’t go anywhere.”

“We talked,” said Isak. “We talked and he broke my heart again. I don’t want to talk anymore.”

Mutta sighed and left his chair to come sit next to Isak on the couch.

“Do you want a hug or something?” he said.

“You hate giving hugs. You’re the worst at giving hugs,” Isak replied.

“That’s true,” Mutta laughed making him laugh too, a little bit. “Anyways. I don’t know if you want to deal with this right now, but I have Sigve’s gift for you.”

“Sigve’s what?” Isak sat up.

“Christmas gift. He got you a gift.”

“Why do you have Sigve’s gift for me? Since when do you even know Sigve?” Isak frowned.

“Relax. He added me on Facebook at Eva’s party and gave me your gift yesterday because he said he didn’t know what you were doing or if you wanted to see him again.”

“Why did you see him yesterday?” Isak squinted his eyes again.

“I told him that I work at that coffee shop by Bakka and he stopped by with your gift,” Mutta shrugged. “Why are you interrogating me?”

“No reason,” Isak finally relaxed. He wasn’t sure himself. It just felt like everyone was plotting against his back lately.

“Anyways, it’s there, top drawer if you want it.”

.  

It was a bracelet, a very simple and beautiful bracelet with the letter ‘i’ engraved by the pulse, barely visible. It was incredibly thoughtful coming from a boy he had slept with maybe six or seven times and that he had only known for a little over a month. Isak felt ungrateful and mean. He hadn’t even wished him a Merry Christmas, hadn’t even asked who he was spending it with if his dad was absent and hated him so much.

* * *

**Sigve**

**16:03**

Thank you for the bracelet

You didn’t have to

<3

You like it?

Yeah it’s beautiful

I feel like a dick

I didn’t get you anything

It’s ok

You’re talking to me at least <3

…

How are you?

Had a good Christmas?

Yeah

I saw my extended family

They’re nice

I’m glad

What did you do?

Stayed home with Edvard

You didn’t see your parents

No

Too much drama

I see

Anyways

I’m happy you liked my gift

You can pay me back by hanging out with me

if you want of course

Yeah

I’ll call you

Promise?

promise

<3

* * *

Isak waited two days before calling him. He didn’t want to be cruel or mean, but he had hoped that perhaps Even would give him a sign after that poem. But no. Nothing.

A little voice in Isak’s head kept telling him that what he was doing was cruel, that meeting up with Sigve and leading him on wasn’t fair, that he was just lonely and miserable and that he shouldn’t be doing this to him. But he couldn’t help it. Sigve made him feel good. He made him feel wanted. He made him forget about the pain he carried with him all the time.

_We’re just going to watch a movie._

They didn’t even finish the movie, Sigve getting way too worked up with a hand down his boxers in the dark, nibbling at his neck and kissing his jaw.

“Sigve, we can’t-”

“Let’s go back to my place,” Sigve said instead.

“But-”

“Please.”

They went back to Sigve’s place despite Isak’s rules and objections because he was a simple man after all, a simple man with a freaking tent at the front of his jeans.

“What do you wanna do?” Isak asked while Sigve removed his clothes frantically.

“Wanna suck you off, baby.”

“Shit.”

“Then I wanna ride you,” Sigve whispered, suddenly all shy and pretty and small. “Can I? Please.”

_Well._

Isak’s plan of ‘just watching a movie’ failed. But it wasn’t that bad given that he got to completely lose himself in one hell of an orgasm, Sigve kissing his face the entire time as he chased his own release whispering sweet nothings in his ear.

‘So good baby. You feel so good. I wanna be a good boy for you. I love this so much. So good.’

Isak could get off of that alone if he was being honest. Someone wanting to be good for him, just him. Someone who withered and cried and begged for him while sitting on his lap. Someone who was entirely his.

.

“Why do you like me so much?” Isak asked while Sigve lit up a joint beside him.

“Cause you’re hot,” he replied, making him laugh.

“Ha, ha, ha,” Isak emphasized every ‘ha’, rolling his eyes and now growing strangely aware of his own nakedness as he stared at the ceiling on his back.

“What? You realize you’re hot, right?” Sigve frowned.

“It’s just the magic spell I cast on you talking,” said Isak in his most self-deprecating voice.

“What are you talking about?”

“Sometimes, I wonder what you fucking see in me,” Isak chuckled again. “You can have anyone.”

Before he knew it, Sigve was straddling him again, this time with an innocent intensity in his eyes, like he didn’t know how much Isak disliked himself, how little he liked himself.

“You’re fucking perfect,” Sigve spoke softly. “I’ve had a crush on you for two years. I don’t want _anyone_.”  

Isak let that sink in a bit, his hands on Sigve’s hips. He didn’t believe him. His brain couldn’t believe such nonsense.

“Why? When did you even notice me? I don’t get it.”

“You changed my life,” Sigve smiled. “When I started at Bakka, I was so deep in the closet I couldn’t even see.”

“Huh?”

“When you came out, it got me thinking. You just made it look so easy. You were so proud of it and you didn’t give a shit. It was so inspiring to me,” Sigve spoke with wonder in his eyes. “I’m sure it wasn’t as easy as you made it look, but do you have any idea how you affected so many of us little clueless gays in Bakka trying to navigate the closet?”

Isak couldn’t believe it, his own eyes a bit wide, a bit lost.

_What? Me? Changing someone’s life?_

“You were already very known in Bakka because of the people you hung out with. So the fact that you came out like that gave me and other people I know so much courage. I hope you know that.” _  
_ Isak lay there in Sigve’s bed with his weight on his lap, barely processing his words, chest kind of heaving. He wasn’t sure what he felt but it was something close to pride, something close to gratitude.

“Thank you,” Isak blurted out, feeling a bit overcome with emotion. “I, just, thank you. It means so much to me.”

Sigve smiled before leaning down to press a tender kiss to his lips. His mouth was soft like his skin, unlike Even’s chapped lips. Yet somehow, Even’s kisses were still more tender.

Isak wondered why he was thinking about Even’s lips while rolling around with a boy that smelled like cotton candy, a boy that he had probably kissed more than he kissed Even at this point.

Isak was helpless.

.

“You can see other people, you know,” Sigve said as he walked him to the door, looking like he didn’t believe his own words. “I know we’re not exclusive or anything. Like if you want to hook up with other people, it’s chill. You can come here whenever.”

Isak stared at him for a little while with what he hoped was an apologetic look on his face. Sigve’s cheeks were pink and rosy and his hair was all over the place. He was glowing and he looked like he had just gotten thoroughly fucked. It was a good look on him.

Isak leaned in and kissed him on the lips with both hands on his jaw, like he meant it. He kissed him like he meant it.

And when he pulled back, Sigve chased his lips for a moment with his eyes closed.

“I’ll see you,” said Isak.

“Yeah.”

* * *

**97ers + Isak**

**17:08**

Elias: hope everyone is still pumped for new years

Elias: we’re turning all the way up!!

Adam: it’s some douchebag’s party right?

Elias: yea Alfred

Sonja: alright got my outfit ready

Elias: it’s in two days so i hope you did

Sonja:

Adam: is that an Isak meme? Lol

Sonja: you know it

Mutta: is it a chill party? Do we have to wear suits?

Elias: i don’t know

Elias: i think it’s come as you are but you know rich people

Even: fun :)

Elias: look who came back from the dead!! Why weren’t you picking up Even?

Elias: also this pic is cool and i hate you

Even: was busy lol sorry

Sonja: busy doing what :p?

Elias:

Adam: hahahahhahaaha

Mutta: not funny

Fuck off Elias

Elias: it’s a meme

Elias: i meant Even’s doing this. you know

Even:

Sonja: wtf is this meme

Elias: why do you always have the weirdest memes

Elias: also i see you with that Herman boy mr. bech næsheim.

Even:

Stop using my picturesss

Mikael: Isak is not amused

Mikael:

Elias: are we having a meme war?

Adam: this is the best one

I’m blocking ALL OF YOU

Mikael: let’s have a ‘who’s getting blocked by Isak first’ contest

Elias: i’ll win

Sonja: i think Mikael will win cause Isak hates his guts

Elias: 

Sonja:

Elias: weak

Sonja: Isak when that bully asshole who gave him shit in Bakka came out as gay last year

Lol

Elias: you’re making him laugh Sonja. The goal is to get him to block you

Elias: Even might win. He has some pretty embarrassing Isak pictures

Even: lol

Elias: share one

Adam: this is still my favorite

Even:

Elias: uh???

Sonja: wtf

Mutta: uafkck

Adam: wait

Adam: wtf

Mikael: uh

Even: UFKC

Even: FUCKKK wrong picture

Even: motherfuck

Even: messenger just sends pictures if you click on them once

Even: fuck

Even: ISAK??

**You have left this conversation**

* * *

_Okay. So that just happened._

* * *

**Even**

**17:29**

Isak i’m so sorry

I didn’t do it on purpose

Fuck i fucked up so bad

I’ll explain everything to them

Just

Im sorry

* * *

“Your friend is here,” said Edvard as he cracked the door to his bedroom open. Isak felt terrible for having him answer the door for him but he couldn’t leave his bed.

“My friend?”

Even couldn’t have the audacity to show up right now.

“Mutta,” Edvard’s eyes lit up.

.

“How did you find out where I live?” said Isak, curled around himself in his bed.

“Even sent me the address.”

“Fuck him. Honestly fuck him. I fucking hate him,” Isak groaned with a pillow over his head. He couldn’t believe it.

_Everybody knows that you fucked me. Everybody._

“He didn’t do it on purpose,” said Mutta. “He feels like shit. He told everyone that it was a prank and that you were sleeping, that nothing happened, but I don’t think anyone is buying it.”

“I hate everything!” Isak groaned again.

.

“You look cute,” said Isak as he greeted Sigve at the door. He looked adorable in his ankle length black pants, salmon buttoned up shirt, and black coat.

“I tried,” Sigve smiled, blushing like a little girl and awkwardly lunging at Isak to hug him for a moment. “Thank you for inviting me.”

Isak quickly threw on a buttoned up shirt as well to look somewhat presentable and kept his black jeans on. It was just a party. A New Year’s Eve party, but a party nonetheless.

“Will you be watching the fireworks?” said Edvard as they were headed out, looking a bit disappointed as if he didn’t approve of Isak taking Sigve as his date.

“I don’t think so,” said Isak. _Nobody cares about fireworks anymore,_ he wanted to add. But Edvard looked far too excited for fire to catch in the sky.

“Oh alright.”

“Will you watch the fireworks, Edvard?” Sigve asked, sounding shy.

“I can typically see them from the front of the house. So I’ll try to stay up until midnight,” said Edvard in his very warm voice. “You two have fun.”

“Uh, thanks! I’ll see you later,” said Isak as he stepped over the little bit of black ice in front of the door, gesturing for Sigve to do the same. He should probably take care of it one of these days. “Call me if you need something.”  

“Will do,” Edvard smiled again.

.

It wasn’t fair. Isak knew that bringing Sigve along wasn’t fair. He had wanted to skip the party entirely at first but he then ended up deciding against it because he had nothing to be ashamed of. It was Even’s mess after all. He was going to have a good time and Sigve would be there to help him feel less stupid, less alone.

But guilt quickly settled in his chest and ate at him. Sigve deserved better. Everyone deserved better.

“We can just hang out in your room,” said Isak just as they reached the house, music blaring through the walls. “What do you think? We can just make out or something.”

Sigve squinted his eyes at him. “Do you know how long it took me to get ready for this stupid party?”

“Yeah, and I can just stare at you in your outfit all night in your room. No?” Isak grinned.

“Stay in my room with our clothes on? Are you crazy?” Sigve laughed and Isak instantly relaxed. He was adorable.

“You’ve got a point,” said Isak.

“Let’s just go inside. And if it’s shit, then we’ll go back to my place and I’ll sit on your face. Deal?”

Isak choked at his words and Sigve laughed until his dimples popped.

“Your face!” he chuckled.

“How can you say such things with an innocent face. I don’t get it?” Isak laughed, too.

.

They went inside and the party was as packed as Isak imagined it would be, with bodies grinding against each other and dripping with sweat while bad rap blasted through the speakers. Well, bad rap according to Even because he only listened to stuff from the 90s.

_Stop thinking about fucking Even._

Even was wearing a white unbuttoned shirt and black trousers. He looked exactly the way he did that night at the church. It was his go-to fancy outfit. He would never button his shirt all the way up and never wear a tie, as if he knew how much his collarbones drove Isak insane.

Even’s hair was blue and he looked blue, too, leaning against a wall ever so casually and staring at Isak the way he always did.

_Not fair._

They had talked after Even all but told everyone that they had slept together. Even made sure to stop by, of course he did. But the conversation didn’t go very far.

_‘Sorry.’_

_‘It’s okay.’_

_‘You coming to the new year’s party?’_

_‘Yes.’_

_‘Cool.’_

_‘Cool.’_

Isak hadn’t mentioned that he was bringing Sigve along but Even didn’t look surprised nor affected.

“Let’s go say hi to Even!” said Sigve, poor thing. He had no idea what was going on.

“Hey. You two look nice,” Even smiled that fake smile of his that only Isak could discern, the intensity in his eyes having been lifted off.  

“Thanks,” said Sigve, all perky and pink and cute. “I had to drag him here. Can you believe it?”

“I’m not even surprised,” Even laughed. “Used to be my job.”

The two of them laughed some more while Isak watched with rage making its way to his blood. Both of them were aware of how awkward this was for him. Sigve knew Isak had feelings for Even and Even knew why he was dying inside. Yet, here they were acting like best friends.

“I’m gonna get a drink,” said Isak, excusing himself and leaving both of them behind.

This was already a terrible idea.

.

“Hey man. Haven’t seen you in a while,” said Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus.

Isak almost sighed before lunging at all three of them for a weird hug.

“What the-” Mahdi exclaimed.

They weren’t part of his group. They didn’t know why everything was so awful. Well, Jonas knew a bit, but they didn’t know why everyone was acting so awkwardly tonight.

“Just missed you guys,” said Isak.

“Sure,” Mahdi squinted his eyes. “Let’s go get fucked up.”

.

Isak didn’t really like parties and he didn’t know why he kept going to them. Perhaps it was the weird sense of camaraderie that he felt sometimes after two of three drinks. Perhaps it was how he felt like he could talk to anyone and be friends with exactly everyone if he wanted to. Perhaps it was the fact that people let their guards down when they were intoxicated and were actually nice sometimes. Isak didn’t know, but he still bounced around with Eva and Chris Berg who were both wearing dresses.

“Where’s your man?” said Vilde into his ear, the music muffling everything around them.

“He’s not my man!” Isak frowned.

“No? I thought he was,” said Vilde. “You showed up together.”

It took Isak a second to realize that she was referring to Sigve, not Even. _fuck._

“Oh. Uh. He’s in the kitchen I think,” Isak stammered while Vilde smiled quietly.

“Why are you smiling?” he frowned again.

“You thought I was talking about Even, didn’t you?”

Vilde always looked clueless, but she was so incredibly observant and smart. He suddenly remembered their heart to heart in Eva’s stairs.

“Whatever,” Isak rolled his eyes.

“So? Did you ask him?” she smiled again, stumbling a little bit, her yellow dress complimenting her hairpin.  She was probably drunk.

“What? Ask him what?”

“To fuck you,” she answered.

_What the hell._

“You once asked me what I’d do if Eva said that she would fuck me if I asked,” said Vilde, reminding him. “That was about Even, right?”

“I don’t. Uh. Whatever. No,” Isak stammered.

“He loves you, you know,” said Vilde. “I can see it.”

Isak stared at her with wide eyes. Everyone seemed to know that there was something between them. Everyone. He wondered if they all had side conversations about this, if they speculated, if they thought they knew.

“You don’t know shit,” Isak replied, sounding a bit mean.

“I’m just trying to be honest,” Vilde shrugged. “I wish someone loved me.”

The anger he had bottled up somehow dissipated. He was a simple person like that, one emotion at a time. And right now he was feeling bad.

“I wish someone loved me, too,” he admitted making her laugh.

“You’re so fucking stupid, Isak,” she chuckled. “Either that or you’re blind.”

“Huh?”

“Everybody fucking loves you. Everybody,” she said. “You’re just too scared to accept the love, or something like that from that movie. I don’t know.”

_‘We accept the love we think we deserve.’_

_The perks of being a wallflower._ Even had made him watch it twice, always tearing up at the end.

“It makes me so frustrated to see people who love each other not be together! Not all of us have the luxury of loving someone who loves us back,” she added, stumbling again, this time landing in Sana’s arms.

“I got this one,” said Sana. What a saint.

“Uh, thanks.”

.

“Body shots!” someone yelled from an adjacent room.

Isak wouldn’t have cared, really. But he knew who the voice belonged to. It was Sigve. Sigve was probably drunk. _Great._

By the time he got there, Sigve was lying on his back on what looked like a desk with his shirt unbuttoned, his lean chest exposed to everyone looking.

_What the hell._

Someone was pouring salt over his collarbones and placing a piece of lime in his mouth while Jonas and Even stood in the corner, looking as though they wanted to stop them.

“Hey, what’s going on here?” said Isak with a frown.

“Someone dared him to do body shots,” Jonas shrugged. “He’s kind of drunk.”

Isak removed his jacket and leaned down to talk to Sigve.

“Hey. What are we doing?” he asked.

“Body shots! It’s fun, Isak. I promise.”

The same guy who had poured salt over Sigve’s body was standing beside them holding a shot glass. So without thinking, Isak licked the salt off of his collarbones, grabbed the shot from the guy’s hand, downed it, then dove back down to suck the piece of lime placed between Sigve’s teeth. Quick and dirty.

_Here. You wanted a body shot? Done._

Sigve looked both shocked and ashamed as if he was finally realizing what he was doing. Isak still gave him a warm smile and helped him off the desk. This was his fault after all. And when he looked at Even, he felt strangely dirty, as if he was betraying him somehow.

He hated everything.

“Hey, you said you would do another one,” said some guy in the background.

“He doesn’t have to do anything,” said Isak with furrowed brows.

“Let me do you,” said Sigve with a tiny smile around his lips. “Come on. You lie down.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Please?” Sigve pleaded.

The universe was out to get Isak at this point as the entire room started cheering for him to lie down, two strangers literally pushing him on his back on the table.

“Fine. Fine! Just don’t touch me!” Isak groaned as he started unbuttoning his shirt, acutely aware of Even’s stare. Elias and Sonja were in the room, too. _Amazing._

Isak lay down on the desk and wondered who he had upset up there to end up in this situation. This was karma, probably. This was what he got for using an eighteen year old to make a social gathering more bearable.

Someone poured salt over his collarbones and handed him a piece of lime.

“Just place it between your lips. Bite it or something whatever floats your boat,” said the guy, Albert or something.

“I know how body shots work,” Isak snapped.

“Fine,” the guy held both hands up. “Feisty this one.”

Albert then turned around to give Sigve his shot when Isak noticed that he could barely stand. He couldn’t possibly have another shot.

He was about to voice his concerns when someone beat him to it.

“He’s too drunk,” said Even, his voice deep and wonderful and blue. “He can’t even stand. He can’t do another shot.”

“Boooo!” people started booing like idiots.

“Such a waste of salt though. Don’t you think?” said Albert.

“Even, you should do the shot,” said Sonja, her eyes shining with something other than her usual pep. She was trying to verify something. Isak knew that look.

_The pictures._

“This is stupid,” Even groaned, taking a step back.

It was. It was very stupid but _whatever._ Sonja was probably feeling weird after seeing that picture. She was probably feeling betrayed. If they chickened out of this, it would only confirm her suspicions.

_But they’re confirmed suspicions. Aren’t they?_

“Do it,” said Isak. “It’s just a shot. Whatever.”

It was as though everyone in the room had stopped breathing. Because all Isak could hear was his own heart beating. Even’s tongue on his skin. Isak might combust. He hadn’t felt it since that night. ‘

Even gave him a look as if asking ‘are you sure?’. Out of all the ways this night could have gone down, this was certainly the most stupid.

Isak nodded then barely had time to put the lime piece in his mouth before Even’s hands were on his ribs, both of them. People typically held onto the table or the counter, not the person’s body. But this was Even, and Even didn’t follow rules.

Isak almost dropped the lime piece at the feeling of his big and warm hands on his sides, holding him as if he had wanted to touch him for the longest time. He held his breath and made a low guttural sound when Even’s eyes met his own, blue, sad, already apologetic, hungry, always hungry.

Even then dove down, his hands making their way to Isak’s hips as if to hold him in place. _What the-_

Isak’s hips nearly jerked forward when he felt Even’s tongue on his skin. Warm and wet and heavy. Isak could almost feel it inside him again, the night Even traced his entire body with kisses and with his tongue. _I’m fucked._ Of course, Even knew Isak would jerk his hips. He was too familiar with his body.

This wasn’t quick. It was dirty, but not quick. This was torture. Even was taking his time with the salt. _Fuck you._

He licked his collarbone until Isak felt like moaning, then pressed a kiss to his heart because he was Even. Then before Albert could start complaining, Even leaned back, downed the shot, and dove back down to suck the piece of lime off of Isak’s mouth. Hot, heavy, consuming. Isak wished Even’s hands were still on his hips because he was wriggling embarrassingly beneath him.

Before he knew it, it was already over. Even had spit the lime on the floor and was off of him, now extending a hand in his direction to help him off the desk.

Isak was weak in the knees. _Shit._ Everything was spinning. He wondered who had just taken the shot.

Even helped him sit up then started buttoning his shirt while Isak just stared at him with parted lips, still in a daze. He knew all of their friends were in the room but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He knew Sonja was right there. He knew Elias was right there. He knew Sigve-

Sigve.

.

“Where is he?” Isak asked people he ran into.

“I think he’s taking a cab?” said Noora. “He said he was going home.”

Isak managed to catch up to him right before he got in the car, out of breath and disheveled, his shirt still unbuttoned.

“Sigve. I’m sorry-”

“I’m sorry!” Sigve interrupted him while clutching the door of the taxi, his eyes shining with tears. “I’m sorry I lied to you.”

“Sigve. What-”

“It’s not fine. I don’t. I don’t just want to be your fucktoy. I just. I really like you and I know you have an epic love story going on with Even or something. And I don’t wanna get in between you two. I really don’t!”

Isak’s heart hurt and he felt helpless and cold, unable of stopping Sigve’s tears.

“But I like you so much, Isak! I really do. And, I just-”

Sigve reached out for his hand in the dark, his eyes shining with tears.

“No one ever chooses me. Everyone always leaves me. And I just want someone to choose me for once,” he sobbed. “Just once.”

“I-”

“Can you choose me? Please? I’ll be good to you I promise. I will never make you cry.”

Isak reached over and brushed his tears with the back of his hand, his heart breaking at the realization that he had finally broken him.

Sigve cried like Isak cried. The resemblance was almost disturbing.

_‘Can you choose me?’ fuck._

“We’ll talk tomorrow,” said Isak with a lump in his throat, sounding exactly like Even always did. “Okay?”

“Okay.”

.

Isak went back to the party feeling defeated. It was barely 23:00. This was one big _clusterfuck._ He was going home.

“Are you okay?” Mutta asked when he saw him.

“Yeah I’m gonna get my jacket and get the fuck out.”

“Dude, what happened?”

“Nothing,” Isak shrugged.

_I just lost my fucking mind for a second and thought it was a good idea to do a body shot with Even._

.

Isak was saying goodbye to Mahdi, Jonas, and Magnus when his phone rang with a number he had never seen before. It could have been his mother, so he picked up.

“Hello. Is this Isak Valtersen?” said a voice belonging to a woman.

“Speaking. Who is this?” said Isak.

“Hello. I’m calling from the Emergency room. Your grandfather has just been admitted and I’m calling to let you know-”

“I don’t have a grandfathe-”

_Edvard!_

Isak immediately dropped his jacket and headed for the door with his eyes wide and his heart beating right out of his chest.

_Shit shit shit shit!_

He had barely reached outside when he realized that he had forgotten to ask which hospital, pulling his phone out again to call the number back.

“Isak?! Is everything okay?” Even called after him.

Of course Even followed him outside.

Isak couldn’t even unlock his phone in the freezing cold. “Fuck! Just fuck!”

Even walked up to him and grabbed the phone from his hands, entering the combination ‘2121’, and handing it back to him. Isak always struggled with unlocking his phone when it was freezing.

“What’s happening?” Even asked again.

“It’s Edvard. He’s in the hospital!”

.

“Come on!” Even gestured for him to climb behind him on some random person’s bike.

“We’re stealing a fucking bike?!”

“Forget about your fucking morals for a second. No taxi’s stopping for us!” Even yelled right back in his face.

They both cared for Edvard. Alright.

“Fuck!” Isak groaned as he climbed behind him, wrapping both arms tightly around his waist.

Isak didn’t even have time to fawn over the fact that Even had picked up his jacket inside, barely registering it when he made him wear it while he was on the phone with the nurse again.

The hospital wasn’t that far and Isak didn’t think he had ever seen Even bike this fast, the cold slapping both of them in the face.

Isak had spent a good number of years riding behind Even on bikes, especially during the summer. It was one of his favorite things in the world. But they didn’t do that anymore, at least not after they slept together. So many things changed after that, whether Isak cared to admit it or not. What a cruel way to revive some memories.

.

“Edvard Albertsen? Right this way.”

He was fine. The old bastard.

_Fuck._ Isak was about to die and Even wasn’t doing any better either. Yet there was Edvard laughing -- laughing! -- while both of them struggled to regain their breaths.

“I feel terrible for having ruined your nights,” said Edvard, looking very smug for someone who was feeling terrible.

He had slipped and fallen over the surface of black ice in front of the house, the nurse explained. Isak wanted to choke. He knew he should have taken care of it earlier. Edvard ended up with a broken rib because he was a lazy piece of shit. It could have been even worse. Edvard could have _fucking_ died.

“My ribs are not broken, Isak. They’re just bruised. I’m an old man,” Edvard joked but Isak was still having a breakdown.

“Hey,” Even brought a hand to where his neck and shoulder met, right where he wanted him, always. “It’s okay. It’s not your fault.”

Isak relaxed under the touch but still felt terrible for being so preoccupied with his heart that he didn’t have the decency to take care of something so basic.

“He’s okay,” said the nurse. “He just needs to rest a lot. But there’s no need to panic.”

.

“Both of you should go back to your party. It’s almost midnight,” said Edvard wincing a bit on his hospital bed. “I will be fine.”

“We’re staying,” said Isak before realizing he was speaking for both of them. “I mean I’ll stay.”

“I’ll stay, too,” said Even, smiling softly. “We always spend Midnight together, anyways.”

Isak blushed at that. It was true. They always did, either biking across the city, or laughing in front of the TV while watching the countdown, or drunkenly huddled in a closet while hiding from Isak’s mom, or sharing messy kisses in Even’s closet, or making out on someone’s kitchen counter while everyone watched the fireworks, or simply standing next to each other at a party, smiling. They were always together at midnight, every year since ages ten and twelve. They never kissed anyone else at midnight, never smiled at anyone else at midnight.

Isak blushed and Edvard grinned, making him wonder if this wasn’t just a ploy to get them to make up, to spend this New Year’s Eve together as well. Perhaps Edvard really was Even from the future. Who knew.

“Why did you go outside?” Isak asked Edvard in an attempt to stop _dying_ inside.

“I wanted to check how cold it was before going out to watch the fireworks,” said Edvard.

“Oh.”

“I knew something might happen so I took my phone with me. I’m glad I did because that’s how I was able to call the ER,” Edvard replied, looking proud of himself. “Tequila must be feeling lonely, however.”

Isak went to get water and chatted with the nurse for a moment before she asked why he was the only person listed as his emergency contact. Ouch. Another cut to his heart. _Why was everyone so alone?_

“He’s your grandfather, right? Do you have more family to look after him? Maybe your parents?” she asked.

_It’s just Tequila and me._

“They’re not around,” Isak shrugged before walking away.

When he got back to the room, Edvard was in a wheelchair and Even looked like he had just gotten caught red handed.

“What are you doing?” he asked with wide eyes. “He needs to lie down. What the fuck?”

“Shh!” Even whispered. “I have an idea.”

.

“Oh my god,” Isak groaned. “Stealing a bike, riding it while kind of drunk, and now kidnapping a patient and trespassing to the roof? Are you really trying to start the year by getting us arrested?”

Even and Edvard both laughed as the blue haired idiot pushed the chair, not paying him any attention.

“I can’t believe I’m the youngest person here!” Isak sighed behind them.

“Well then act like it,” said Edvard, eliciting a laugh out of him.

“Oh my god. Who are you?” Isak snorted.

“They gave me some painkillers,” Edvard snorted, too.

They reached the door that very visibly warned against trespassing and Even shrugged before pushing it open, the cold almost assaulting their skin.

They had made sure to bring dozens of covers to keep Edvard warm, but Isak couldn’t help but worry.

“The fireworks will warm him up,” Even whispered into his year, nudging him and smiling. “Don’t worry.”

It was almost midnight and Isak couldn’t believe they had made it. He didn’t even know if they would be visible from here.

They were standing behind Edvard on the roof when Even pulled Isak a bit further behind.

“I can’t turn my head around. So I will request that you please don't leave without me,” said Edvard, sensing that they were walking away.

“Don’t worry,” said Even, laughing. “We’re just gonna make out in the back.”

“Shut up!” Isak shoved him, his entire face flushing but unable of helping the giggles that escaped his own mouth.

“Okay, just check on me after ten minutes or so. I might freeze to death,” said Edvard in front of them, making Isak laugh because he could only see the back of his head given that he couldn’t turn around.

“What about fifteen minutes?” said Even. “I got you three extra blankets.”

“You’re an idiot!” Isak laughed, shoving him again.

“Fifteen is good,” Edvard shouted in front of them.

Isak was still laughing when Even’s face kind of dropped slowly, the lightheartedness in his speech evaporating, too.

“What’s wrong?” Isak asked, both of them leaning against the door they had just crossed to get to the roof, both of them freezing. They had put as much distance as possible between them and Edvard, and given his hearing troubles, he probably couldn't make out what they were saying even if they shouted.

“Nothing,” Even shrugged, keeping his voice low even though they were far enough. “It’s just kind of sad.”

“What is?”  

“I don’t know? Edvard? In a way?” said Even. “Like. He fell and he could have gotten seriously hurt or worse, and the only people who give a shit are two horny assholes who can’t figure their own shit out. Isn’t it sad?”

There was too much to process in Even’s words. Way too much.

“I may be an asshole, but I'm not horny,” said Isak in an attempt to lighten up the mood again.

“Right,” Even snorted. “You almost popped a boner back in Albert’s house when I licked your chest.”

Isak shoved him again, a bit rougher this time, but still smiling, still holding his gaze, still blushing.

“Fuck off,” he groaned weakly.

“What? Did I lie? Show me where I lied.” Even laughed.

“Shut up, yeah whatever.” Isak admitted. “It was very fucking stupid though. What were we thinking?”

“You asked for it.”

“And you do everything I ask. Right,” Isak rolled his eyes. “Sure.”

“I mean, yeah,” Even smiled again. “Anything for you.”

“Bullshit,” Isak breathed, averting his gaze, and letting his head fall against the wall behind them.

“What?”

“This stuff you always say. _‘Anything for you, my boy is the sun, my boy is the light’._ It’s bullshit,” Isak shrugged, feeling the air suddenly thicken above and around them.

_Here we go again._

“It’s not bullshit,” said Even.

“Then what is it?” Isak challenged him, almost barking in his face and raising his voice. “Please fucking enlighten me!”

“Is everything okay?” he heard Edvard ask in front of them. Isak had almost forgotten that he was there.

“Yeah. Yeah,” said Even, his voice visibly shaken. “Don’t worry. We’re still making out.”

Silence settled between them again and Isak realized that he didn’t know what to do with his hands. It was almost midnight. Only three minutes left.

“I made Sigve cry tonight, you know,” said Isak, his heart hurting way too much to keep it inside.

“I’m-”

“When I almost threw myself at you after you licked my skin and kissed my chest,” Isak continued. “I made him cry like you make me cry. You know.”

“I’m sorry,” said Even with something like a lump in his throat, again with those two words that Isak hated so much.

“You fuck me up every time you apologize,” said Isak, barely believing that he was finally opening up and saying all of these things.  

“I don’t know what else to say.”

“How about you say what you really want to say for a change?” said Isak with a frown, his head leaving the wall to stare into his eyes. “How about that?”

“I don’t think you want to hear what I want to say,” said Even, holding his gaze right back, the blue mostly black now. There was nothing soft in his eyes right now.

“Try me!” Isak barked in his face.

“I want to kiss you,” Even blurted out, his hands coming up to cup Isak’s face, looking beautiful and desperate and exhausted.

Isak’s mind went blank. He couldn’t think. His mind completely halted. It just stopped working.

“I-”

“But I know it’s not fair. And I know that you will cry, and I know that I should stay away from you just like I have been staying away for a while now. I’ve been doing so well lately. I mean I know I’m not good for you and that you’re not good for me. I know that it gets crazy when we get carried away. I know you still hate me for the night we fucked until the sun rose. I still hate myself, too. I know all of this. I know that I’ll get beat up by at least three different people if I ever sleep with you again, that Mutta thinks I’m disgusting for taking advantage of you and Sonja, and that Adam thinks I will fuck anything and anyone. I know. I know everybody thinks I’m crazy and that I shouldn’t be trusted. But Isak. All I can think about right now is how much I want to kiss you.”

It took Isak a second to realize that the reason he could no longer hear Even that well anymore was because the fireworks had started. Glorious. Grand. Beautiful. Edvard was cheering like a child as fire was being set to the sky and to Isak’s heart.

Isak couldn’t breathe, didn’t know what to respond to first, too much to process.

“You’re not crazy,” he said, feeling himself melt in Even’s grasp while he still held his face. Isak settled for that because he didn’t know what else to say.

“Yes, baby. I am,” said Even, his fingers big and warm on Isak’s face, stroking his cheeks. “I’m crazy and I know I’m meant to be alone. But I don’t want to be alone anymore. And I know it’s gonna sound messed up, but I don’t want to be like Edvard. I want someone to give a shit if I end up at the hospital.”

“I would give a shit if you end up at the hospital,” said Isak, his sight a bit fuzzy now, his brain still stuck on the _‘I want to kiss you’_ part. “You’re not alone.”

Even let out a bitter stupid laugh before pressing their foreheads together, making Isak shut his eyes and whimper while the fireworks colored the sky, matching the frantic drumming in his own heart.

“Kiss me,” Isak finally sighed, sounding wrecked and exhausted, all of his guards down. “Just kiss me if you want to kiss me.”

_I don’t give a shit if you don’t love me and just want to kiss me because you don’t want to be alone. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s fine._

Apparently, Even Bech Næsheim didn’t need to be told twice. Apparently, all he needed was for Isak to say ’yes, kiss me’ for him to back him up against the wall and fit his lips against his own, sucking frantically.

Isak's eyes squeezed shut almost instantly at the contact, his brain blank again, his heart drumming, drumming, drumming. All he could see was blue, just blue. Blue, blue, blue.

Even wasted no time brushing their lips together as if he had waited too long for this moment to tease and pat, as if every moment spent not claiming his lips was absolute torture.

And Isak didn’t realize the extend of his own despair, of his longing, of how much he ached for him until they kissed again, almost moaning against each other’s mouths, both of them struggling to find a rhythm, nearly biting each other’s lips.

_Fuck._

Isak slowed down and let Even cup his jaw, tilting it gently before running his tongue over his lips once, twice, making him gasp, then finally slipping between them.

The breach felt too good and Isak made an embarrassing noise that he never wanted to talk about again, completely surrendering in his arms and bringing one of his hands to Even’s hair, pulling gently.

“Kiss me,” he whined again although his lips were being bruised already, Even kissing them like he owned them, like he owned _him,_ sucking on his bottom lip as if he were trying to mark it.

But it wasn’t nearly enough. For some reason it wasn’t enough, and Isak pulled him closer until they were both panting against the wall, briefly cracking an eye open to check if the fireworks were still on, his ears too busy ringing to do their job.

They still had some time. And for some reason, Isak decided that the magic was going to wear off when the fireworks stopped. It was probably all some big dream after all.

Isak was thriving. This was their best New Year’s Eve kiss to date, probably. But it still felt as though something was missing. Something. But what?

Even slowed down and it took Isak off guard, leaving him flustered and unable of forming a thought. _How come the slow kisses made him feel even weaker in the knees? How?_

“You taste like fireworks,” Even panted, now planting soft pecks on Isak’s puckered mouth, soft and tender. No more grinding and biting. It was tender and soft. Just like Isak liked it. He wasn’t claiming him. He was just kissing him.

“You taste like my dreams,” Isak breathed against his lips, suddenly feeling vulnerable and dizzy and paper thin, right before kissing him again, both arms around his neck. Just as soft, just as tender, tongue gliding lazily over his sensitive lips, pulling and pushing gently, neither of them breathing.

The tenderness was what was missing. The tenderness that made everything so characteristically them. It wasn’t Isak and Even kissing if it wasn’t tender and soft. It simply wasn’t.

Isak was almost convinced that he was swimming for a second, his head completely submerged underwater as he failed to register anything that wasn’t Even’s lips and Even’s hands and the sweet sweet sounds that Even made when Isak pushed their hips together. He was swimming or at least dreaming. Isak couldn’t think, couldn’t see, couldn’t breathe.

_Fuck._

“Can you choose me?” Isak blurted out mid-kiss and it came out as a sob, his throat hurting because there was a lump there, right as the fireworks picked up again. It was the grand finale. Isak knew it. It always picked up right before it ended.

Isak hadn’t even realized that he was crying, tears reaching his neck. And Even probably hadn’t either because his own eyes looked sad and big and blue when he opened them.

_Can you please choose me? I’m sorry I lied to you. I’m not fine with any of this. I don’t want you to kiss me to feel less lonely. I want you to choose me. I need you to choose me. I need you-_

The fireworks were over and Isak’s heart was shattered on the floor, right where it belonged every time they got too close, while Edvard still clapped ahead of them, completely oblivious to all the bullshit that had happened behind him.

Even opened his mouth -- his gorgeous, cherry red, bruised up mouth -- as if to speak, but nothing came out. Isak wondered if he had heard his desperate plea. _“Can you choose me?”_

He wondered if he heard it.

“Are you still making out, boys?” Edvard joked on his wheelchair, his back still turned to them, smoke still dissipating in the sky and in Isak’s chest.

Everything hurt. Everything.

_my boy is the light. my boy is the sun. my boy thinks he is darkness but my boy is the sun._

“No, we’re done,” Isak breathed.

.

 

> **#12 Seventeen & Twenty**
> 
> “Why is your iPhone passcode ‘2121’?” said Even, blowing a thick cloud of smoke above both of them.
> 
> “You know why,” Isak admitted, way too high to care about saving face right now.
> 
> _Silence._
> 
> “Why is _your_ passcode ‘2121’?” Isak asked right back, then watched Even smile beside him.
> 
> “You know why.”
> 
> _21:21. The first time you kissed me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *ruuuuns*  
> my brain is currently fried but i will be back to come up with elaborate things to say about this rollercoaster of a chapter.  
> we learn a bit about Even's own inner turmoil. about how he feels that his friends think he's crazy and kind of alienate him too. his own friends. we learn a little bit more about how staying away from Isak is a conscious choice for him. a choice he forgets about when they get too close or when he gets a bit to drink. this boy is guilt-tripping out of his mind. he overthinks. he's much worse than Isak. he truly hates himself and believes that he is unworthy. his journey is to kind of fall back in love with himself and to realize that he's been hurting Isak this whole entire time.  
> sigve. omg all the comments and asks I got about him. he is a sweetheart and although Isak uses him as a mirror to his own self -- basically borrowing his words at the end of the chapter -- he still cares about him. he's really trying.  
> edvard is MVP as always but his health might suffer from his fall. 
> 
> I have so much to say about this verse but my brain hurts. i will be back. the poem was inspired by this poem on tumblr: http://flyytrap.tumblr.com/post/151400469859/my-boy-has-wings-bkg-insp 
> 
> thank you for your comments, kudos, etc. the response to this verse is nothing short of MINDBLOWING to me. thank you. I'm sorry I don't update as much lately. thank you for still being here. thank you. your support means the world to me and I read every comment and giggle or cry at work like an idiot whenever I get a notification of a new one.
> 
> As always leave a comment if you felt something, anything at all <3 love love love 
> 
> (we're gonna be using more known movies as titles in the remaining chapters. any guesses? xxx) also next update will be IWDIA


	8. (Just for) One Day (2011)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "This is Isak. My boyfriend."
> 
> In which things calm down and get soft again. Featuring bike rides, more suits, a new pet and competition for Tequila, Edvard doing THE MOST, match-making, fights and hugs, sunflowers, Sigve, wedding vows, fake-dating, bike rides, another poem, kisses, slow-dancing, and COLORS.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiii happy thanksgiving if you celebrate it! i'm finally off for a couple of days yaay.  
> this is 17k again. sigh. i'll try to stop fjdkf. 
> 
> lots of love to you. thank you for everything <3

 

_“No we’re done.”_

Edvard may have been a dinosaur -- a dinosaur who for some reason still functioned relatively well for his age and still afforded to have coffee -- but he was smart. He was attentive. He paid attention to Isak’s moods and to the variations in his voice more than his parents ever had. But then again, maybe it was because all he had was time. Maybe it was because he had exactly nothing else to do but observe an adolescent nurse a broken heart and pine after a blue haired dream who constantly left him in shambles. Maybe. Isak may have lived with Edvard for only a handful of months, but he still knew him all too well.

So when Isak spoke those words -- _‘No, we’re done’_ \-- with his voice cracking and tears still streaming down his stupid frozen face which was cupped in Even’s hands, Edvard’s tone changed as well. He didn’t tease them again. He didn’t ask if they were making out again. He must have understood that something had gone down and that Isak was probably crying behind him.

“We should head back soon,” said Edvard, his back still turned to them, his voice a bit more firm. He no longer sounded like a delirious old man hanging out with two horny boys and hoping they would finally get it together. He simply sounded like an old man. Like an adult. “But I need a few minutes for my heartbeat to go back to normal, if you both don’t mind.”

_Thank you,_ Isak thought. Because he didn’t think he could have faced him like this. He didn’t even think he could move or look away from Even’s eyes. Even who was still holding his face in both hands and who looked like he was having an epiphany or going through an out of body experience.

Isak would have given up anything to be inside his head right now. Inside the vast expanse of his beautiful mind which Isak found nothing short of fascinating but that Even had always loathed with every fiber of his being.

_“My mind is inconsolable. I’m sick in the head,”_ Even always said, completely oblivious to Isak’s awe and admiration and just _love_. Isak was in love with Even’s mind. Always had been. He loved how he was always able to see people for more than what they let on, how kind and generous he was, how talented he was, how much he loved art and beautiful things, and how he could express himself so eloquently and gracefully. Isak was in love with Even’s mind, but Even wasn’t. Not even the slightest. Never had been.

If Isak had to describe Even’s relationship with his brain, it was a rather toxic one fueled by nothing but hatred and momentary outbursts of borderline narcissism and self-love when he was manic. Even hated every drawing he made, every word he wrote, every shot he took, and every sequence he shot. He was his own biggest critic and always found something degrading to say about anything that spilled out of his own brain. To him, it was a liability, a paralyzed limb. Something he had to carry with him and account for and make excuses for forever. Something that always put him at a disadvantage.

Isak would never forget the day he found Even crying hysterically in his hospital bed right after his episode during which they had become one. He would never forget Even bringing both hands to his head and hitting himself with his palms repeatedly, hysterically, his eyes red and swollen, reciting the same words over and over again. _‘I’m so fucked up. I’m so fucked up. I’m so fucked up.’_

It had been Isak’s first introduction to Even’s deep-rooted shame and self-loathing, and unfortunately not the last. And while Isak had always been able to tell what was going on in his head before they slept together, his telepathic abilities seemed to have disappeared right then and there.

He had wondered if it was because he was so distracted by Even’s eyes and Even’s lips and Even’s hands now, or if it was because Even had shut him out. Isak couldn’t get to him anymore and he would have done anything to be inside his head right now, with his big and warm hands still on his face.

_What are you thinking? I used to always be able to tell without having to ask._

They waited for Edvard’s heartbeat to ‘go back to normal’ -- the truth being that he was waiting for theirs and they were both aware of it. Even’s eyes remained impossibly wide and sad while his hands stroked Isak’s cheeks and wiped his silent tears absently, as if he was on auto-pilot, his thumb curling around Isak’s chin to catch a few tears there.

_“Don’t cry,”_ Even would always say when Isak cried because of him, when he was prepared for it, when he planned it. Isak wondered if Even ever thought to himself _‘this shit I’m about to say is going to make him cry’._ Because when he wasn’t prepared for it, when Isak caught him off guard and cried out of the blue, Even simply looked wrecked.

_“When you’re hurting I’m hurting.”_

“Shall we go, boys?” said Edvard. It had probably been a few minutes since his last comment.

Isak felt bare when Even’s hands slowly dropped from his face, his eyes still holding his gaze. He then quickly turned to the side to wipe his cheeks and became selfishly grateful for Edvard’s limited eyesight. At least, he wouldn’t be able to tell that he had been crying.

Even did the same. He took some time to straighten his own clothes, wipe his eyes rather roughly, then run a hand through his hair. Isak had wrecked his hair, pulled at it so hard when they were kissing that it was now pointing in all directions. If he hadn't been too busy hurting, he would have probably felt smug about it.

“Alright, let’s get you back to bed, Edvard,” Even said in a faux-enthusiastic voice that sounded nothing like it had earlier. He was trying, but it sounded as though he was about to cry any second now.

.

The good thing about it being New Year’s was that nobody in the hospital cared why two boys in suits were pushing an old man in a wheelchair all around the building because the staff was busy tending to drunk people’s mishaps. Edvard had requested the walk, or the ride as he was on the wheelchair, so that he could wind down and get ready for bed --  a rather strange request that made absolutely no sense, but Isak figured that he could use the stroll.

The only problem was that Even was tagging along, pushing the chair, and Isak’s heart simply couldn’t settle down in his chest when he could still feel his tongue in his mouth, wet, warm, heavy.

They eventually got him back to his room, and Isak’s heart pinched when Even carried Edvard in his arms all by himself and deposited him on the bed. He then gave him a warm smile and pulled the covers over him the way a person who truly cared would. It was irrational but it filled Isak’s heart with pride and affection.

Even was the best person he knew. He was doing this for Edvard, not for Isak. He always did so much for exactly everyone but himself, and it always made Isak feel like he had failed him as as friend.

_I should tell you this more often.You’re the best person I know. You’re the kindest person I know. Nobody hates you. All your friends care deeply about you._

Even’s insecurities ran deep and he faced everything on his own because he didn’t wish to be a burden when he was everything but a burden.

He needed to hear nice things more often. And it was on all of them.

“You should get plenty of rest,” said Even, stretching his arms a bit and trying to hide how difficult carrying Edvard had actually been. “I’ll visit tomorrow.”

“I still feel very bad for ruining your New Year’s celebration. I promise I will make it up to both of you,” said Edvard, his voice a bit sleepy. It was almost endearing.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” said Isak, finally getting over the haze, finally setting foot back into reality. “Fireworks from the hospital rooftop? I can’t think of a better New Year’s.”

That earned him a look from Even -- finally. And while Isak initially worried that it was about how they had completely missed the aforementioned fireworks, he quickly realized that it was an impressed look, a ‘I’m proud of you’ look.

It made absolutely no sense, but it made him blush. Even was smiling at him. And Isak smiled right back. They both made no sense. Perhaps Edvard’s plan to get them to part on friendly terms by requesting the awkward walk had worked.

.

“That was nice. What you said to him in there,” Even said with both his hands in his pockets as soon as they stepped out of Edvard’s room.

Isak shrugged and focused his eyes on a weird painting ahead of them. He couldn’t even tell what it was. It was probably some abstract art piece that only people like Even could understand. Isak wondered if other people ever looked at this particular painting and wondered what it was supposed to mean, or if it was just boys trying to focus on anything but the person walking beside them.

“He’s a good person,” said Isak, now looking at his shoes and feeling a bit bashful. Any bit of praise made him blush. “He deserves to hear nice things.”

Even gave him that look again. He almost looked smug and Isak didn’t know what to make of it.

“I’m glad to see that you’re a decent human being, Valtersen. I raised you well,” said Even, chuckling a bit and earning himself a shove and a smile.

“As if!” Isak scoffed, chuckling too.

For a moment, they were just Isak and Even, the two idiot friends who could never get bored of each other, not IsakAndEven who had just made out on a rooftop under the fireworks and made each other cry. They were okay. For a moment, they were perfectly okay.

“We should look after him more often,” said Even. “I can help with some stuff if you want. I mean who does laundry in the house?”

“Uh. I don’t know. I do my own, but I don’t know about his,” Isak replied, feeling a bit stupid because he had never thought about it.

“He does his own laundry?” Even frowned. “He’s like a hundred years old.”

“Don’t attack me! I only moved in with him a few months ago and he never said anything about laundry,” Isak blushed furiously. He always got defensive when he felt guilty.

“I’m not attacking you,” Even chuckled. “I’m just surprised he has enough energy to do it. He should have someone stop by to help clean and do house chores.”

“Maybe he does. I’m not sure,” Isak shrugged, shoving his hands in the pant suits, too. “I see a woman in the house sometimes but I just assumed she was his daughter.”

“You didn’t ask who she was?”

“No, I never spoke to her,” Isak replied, getting slightly annoyed at Even’s patronizing tone. “You know I’m the worst with people and just prefer to hide in my room instead of having to do small talk. Don’t act so surprised.”

“You’re not the worst with people,” said Even, rolling his eyes fondly and smiling. “And I’m not surprised.”

_Ugh._ Isak insisted on acting like a child but Even’s smile did things to him.

“Stop smiling,” he mumbled because he could feel himself starting to smile, too. It was contagious, his stupid smile.

“Alright,” Even replied, very much still smiling. “If that’s what you want.”

Isak looked away and did his best to not steal a glance before they got to the main door.

He failed. And when his eyes met Even’s, he was beaming at him.

“You’re still smiling!” Isak groaned, smiling too because he was weak like that.

“So are you!” said Even, his eyes crinkling now. He looked beautiful.

“That’s because of you!”

“So you smile when I smile?” Even asked as he pushed the door open, placing his other hand on the small of Isak’s back to lead him out, making him wonder if he knew that even the smallest touches set his skin ablaze.

“When you smile, I smile,” Isak whispered as if it was a secret that Even wasn’t supposed to hear.

“Sounds better than ‘when you hurt, I hurt’,” Even whispered behind him, right before catching up and joining his side.

_When you hurt, I hurt. Is that why I forgive you everything as soon as I suspect that you’re in pain?_

They walked in silence.

.

The bike was still where they had left it. And while Even couldn’t care less, Isak let out a relieved sigh.

“Since when do you care so much about this kind of stuff?” said Even, smiling deviously beside him.

“This is someone’s bike. Someone might be attached to this stupid bike,” said Isak.

“If someone stole my bike, I would just assume that they really needed it you know,” said Even.

“You’re so full of shit.” Isak rolled his eyes. “You’re so attached to your bike, you would probably cry over it for like a week if someone stole it.”

Even laughed and it was beautiful. Isak felt the warm familiar aching spread inside his chest.

“I’m not attached to my bike. It’s just a bike,” said Even. “I’m attached to the memories I made on that bike. I’m attached to you, the person who sat behind me while I rode it, not the bike itself.”

The sweet aching turned into something else. Still sweet, but also very bitter. It was bittersweet in his heart.

“We should return it,” said Isak, completely ignoring the little confession there. _I’m attached to you._ Isak was attached to him, too.

“Mind if I smoke a cig before we go?”

Isak found himself staring at his face with little to no shame. He folded both arms behind his back and leaned against the cold wall while Even inhaled and exhaled beside him, looking godly and perfect. Isak wondered if everyone who felt so much for another person saw them through this glossy lens. If love applied some weird filter to the eyes of the beholder that made the object of their desire so shimmery, so perfect, so desirable from all angles.    

Isak wondered if his feelings made him blind to just how broken Even truly was.

“Can I have a smoke?” he found himself blurting out.

“Hm?” Even raised a brow. He knew Isak didn’t smoke cigarettes as he had given him so much trouble so many times before warning him about a speedy death.

_(“Has it ever occurred to you that it’s the reason I smoke so much?”_

_“Shut the fuck up!” Isak always groaned.)_

“I feel like having some poison in my lungs,” Isak replied.

Even handed him the cigarette and Isak didn’t hide the shiver that went through him when their fingers touched.

They smoked silently, each taking two consecutive drags before handing the cigarette back. Even looked impressed with Isak not coughing and embarrassing himself.

“You’re so easily impressed,” Isak joked.

“I can’t believe you’re not choking around it.”

“Wow,” Isak huffed out a laugh then watched Even’s face flush.

“Clearly, I did not mean it that way,” Even chuckled.

“I choke around many things, but cigarettes are no longer one of them.”

Even offered him a smile this time, not a laugh.

_Too soon._ Sexual jokes were out of the question now. Noted.

“Come on,” said Isak, throwing the cigarette butt on the ground and crushing it with his foot. He walked back to the bike by the wall and placed his legs on both sides of the saddle, holding onto the handlebars.

“You’ll bike?” Even asked, looking a bit surprised.

“Yup,” Isak nodded.

Even shrugged then crouched to pick up the cigarette butt that Isak had thrown off the ground with his fingers.

“What are you doing?” Isak frowned.

“There’s a receptacle over there,” Even replied while walking to it. “You might care about bike owners and their feelings, but I care about the environment.”

“You’re such a pretentious dick,” Isak sighed, kind of immediately regretting it because Even was a bit fragile right now.

“I am. Aren’t I?” Even smiled.

_He’s fine._

.

It was nice. Riding a bike and having Even sit behind him instead for once. It was also a bit difficult and physically challenging, and his thighs were burning because he hadn’t exercised in a while. But it was still nice. Despite the biting cold. Despite his broken heart.

It was nice feeling Even’s broad chest flushed against his back, pressing tightly as if he were the coldest he had ever been, as if he were the loneliest he had ever been. He was probably both.

It was nice feeling Even’s arms slowly and hesitantly lock around his stomach at first before completely giving in and punching the air right out of his lungs, hugging him so tight that Isak could no longer breathe.

It was nice having Even hold him as if he were about to lose _him_ and not the other way around for once. It was nice feeling him all over and around him, feeling Even’s heart beat against his back in the cold winter while biking and burning the adrenaline away. It was nice feeling Even’s short and hot breaths on the nape of his neck, holding him, needing him. It was nice.

When Isak eventually stopped at a red light -- because he was a decent human being and because it was late on New Year’s -- Even tightened his hold over his stomach and whimpered between his shoulder blades. It was so overwhelming that Isak let out an embarrassing noise and all but melted in his arms, surrendering.

“We’re gonna crash if you don’t stop,” Isak whispered, sounding a bit wrecked and out of breath.

Even didn’t stop. He only hugged him tighter, making Isak curl into himself and turn into a ball of feelings in his arms.

_I’m about to explode._

Isak didn’t know what Even wanted from him. But this wasn’t fair. This couldn’t be fair. Feeling this good in the arms of the very person that broke him and put him back together every single time. It wasn’t fair. Being held as if he were needed, as if he were loved. It wasn’t fair.

Even eventually let go right as the light was about to turn green. And it took Isak a moment to collect himself and get his legs moving again. They were shaking. His stupid legs. And Even was shaking behind him, too. His breaths shaky, his arms shaky. He wondered if his heart was shaking for him, too. If the cold and the fireworks and the proximity was making Even want him the way he wanted to be wanted after all.

Later, when they stopped at another red light, Isak held his breath and planted both feet on the ground, expecting a hug just as crushing, just as heart-wrenching.

Even pressed his lips to the bare skin on the nape of his neck instead, soft and warm and wet, setting both his heart and body on fire while Isak held onto the stupid bike with one hand and brought his other one to Even’s without putting much thought into it. Even who gladly accepted his hand and hid it between his own, like a secret, like a treasure, pressing all three hands against Isak’s stomach and holding on tight, both of them panting like fucking idiots in the middle of the street at two in the morning on New Year’s.

_Friends don’t shake in each other’s arms at red lights._

.

Isak leaned the bike against the wall where they had originally found it and rolled his eyes when Even pulled out a piece of paper and a pen, scribbled a messy _‘Thank you <3’, _ and placed it between two spokes on the front wheel.

“You didn’t even want to bring the bike back,” Isak rolled his eyes.

“I never said that,” Even smiled.

They walked awkwardly side by side and Isak wondered why Even was walking him home, if he was going to bring up the tears and the kissing on the rooftop thing, if he was going to bring up the desperate cuddling on the bike thing. He wondered if he should bring it up instead, if he should say anything about Even’s self-loathing comments.

Neither of them said a word.

“So this is me,” said Isak as soon as they got to Edvard’s house, his eyes on his shoes because he could feel the tension building up around them again.

“This is you,” said Even.

They waved their ‘byes’ awkwardly and turned their backs to one another. But Isak hadn’t even made it past the little surface of black ice that had caused Edvard’s fall before turning around.  

Even was looking at him. He had turned around, too.

“You hate sleeping alone,” he said from a few meters away, and Isak hated him for knowing him so well.

“I do,” said Isak.

Part of the reason Isak had moved in with Even and his parents was because his house was always empty. His dad had left them and his mom was spending most of her time between mental care facilities and their extended family’s houses.

Isak hated sleeping in an empty house. He absolutely hated it and he used to pretend to have fallen asleep in Even’s room when it was time for him to go back.   
Even quickly caught up, of course, and had suggested it casually during dinner with his parents.

_“Isak should move in! He practically lives here.”_

.

“I’ll sleep on the couch,” said Even as he removed his blazer and folded it over Edvard’s favorite chair.

“There are other rooms around the house,” said Isak, brainstorming what kind of clothes he could lend Even for the night in a bit of a panic. “But I’m not sure if the bedding has been changed in the past few months.”

“I’m good with the couch,” Even smiled in the dark.

.

Isak came to find him maybe fifteen minutes later, feeling a bit embarrassed in his shorts and his chicken legs.

“Come to bed,” Isak whispered in the dark. “You hate sleeping on stupid couches.”

“We shouldn’t share a bed,” said Even, and _wow,_ that hurt.

“I have a king bed. Just sleep by the edge of the bed and you won’t even feel me there,” Isak replied.

.

That didn’t work, and their chests quickly found their way to one another in one desperate breath. And alright, perhaps Isak was counting it on it not working. Perhaps Edvard really was Even from the future and he knew that this bed would serve this exact purpose, supporting their weight as both of them desperately crashed into one another, both wearing Isak’s crappy pajamas.

Before he knew it, Even’s head was buried deep into the crook of his neck, breathing deep and hard and desperate against his skin, his arms tightly wrapped around Isak’s back, holding onto him as if he were drowning.

“Talk to me,” Isak whispered with both arms wrapped around Even’s head, a hand softly caressing the hair at the nape of his neck, and a leg thrown over his.

Even was hurting. Even only ever hid in Isak’s neck when he was hurting.

“Even, talk to me,” Isak pleaded.

“I miss you,” Even whispered, his voice hoarse and weak, pressing the pads of this fingers into Isak’s skin, feeling him, just feeling him.

“I’m right here.”

Even nuzzled deeper into his neck, feeling small, so small in his arms right now.

“I miss my best friend,” he mumbled against Isak’s skin and it felt like a hard slap, like a bucket of ice cold water in the face.

_‘I miss my best friend’. ‘My best friend’ Isak. Not ‘the pair of lips I kiss sometimes’ Isak._

Isak felt like the worst friend in the world.

_“I want you to fucking see me.”_ He had been so blinded by his feelings that he couldn’t see how much Even was hurting, how utterly broken and lonely he was.

Isak finally understood.

For a little while, he had really let himself believe that Even meant that he loved him. That Even was saying that he loved him and that Isak couldn’t see it. But Even was referring to his pain. Isak was blind to his pain when he used to be so attuned to it before.

It all made sense now. Even wasn’t trying to make a grand love declaration that made little sense. He wasn’t sending mixed signals. Even was desperately asking for his best friend back.

“Tell me more,” Isak asked. It hurt. But at least they were talking. The rejection burned him in a visceral way. But at least they were communicating. “Talk to me. You can tell me anything.”

_Anything. Tonight, you can burn me. It’s fine. Tonight, I’ll be your best friend. Tonight, I’ll put my feelings aside. You can burn me. It’s fine._

“I feel so alone,” Even breathed and it was almost a whisper. “I feel like shit all the time. It’s always just me and my thoughts and I’m so sick of it. I’m so sick of people treating me like I’m crazy for being so sad all the time.”

The confession hurt him more than the rejection, and Isak didn’t know what to do. So he tightened his arms around Even and pressed a feathery kiss to his hair.

“I’m here for you. We all are. You don’t have to be alone,” Isak said with his heart in his throat again. “We all love you.”

_We. That includes me._   

“But I’m so fucking useless. All I do is hurt everyone.”

“That’s not true,” Isak replied, then felt guilt roam his chest at his own tone. He wasn’t convincing at all.

"I traumatized you! I took advantage of you! It was your first time, Isak!"

"I already told you that you didn't. I wasn't a child, Even. I wasn't drunk. I knew what I was doing!" Isak replied, sounding a bit irritated because he hated how Even dismissed his feelings and just put words in his mouth without consulting with him first. "And you don't hurt me. Stop saying that!"  

“Isak, I just made you cry on a fucking rooftop!”

Isak stayed silent after that, his fingers buried deep in Even’s hair, feeling his scalp, feeling how his breath hitched whenever he ran his index finger over a specific spot, playing with his soft blue locks absently, hoping it provided him with some sort of comfort because words were certainly failing him right now.

“I was just stressed because of all the events tonight. It wasn’t your fault,” Isak lied.

 

“Best friends don’t lie,” said Even, his voice a bit groggy with sleep.

Isak might have felt sore in his heart but at least Even was relaxing in his arms and opening up to him a bit.

“Best friends lie sometimes,” Isak mumbled, feeling sleep pulling at him, too.

“Why would best friends lie?” Even asked.

“To protect one another,” he replied as he moved a bit under his fancy white down comforter and somehow managed to get even closer to Even, his shirt riding up his stomach and allowing him to feel Even’s skin against his own. Heat and comfort. “Best friends lie to protect one another, sometimes.”

“We lie to protect one another,” Even repeated, his breaths now matching Isak’s, deep, relaxed, slow. They were about to drift off to sleep any minute now.

“Yes,” Isak mumbled. He was probably going to lose consciousness first.

“In that case,” Even whispered then stopped, his hands fisting Isak’s shirt under the comforter.

“Hm?”

“In that case,” Even brought his warm lips to Isak’s ear and whispered in the softest voice. “I don’t love you.”

(And it took him a second, maybe two, maybe three, to get it.

Alright. That was a lie. Isak didn’t get it that night because his brain was foggy with sleep. That night it broke his heart, that night.)

.

Isak woke up with four words replaying themselves in his head. He didn’t remember the context, but it burned.

_“I don’t love you.”_

_Fine. I knew that already._

He left Even in bed and went out for a walk in the cold, the wind feeling harsh and stingy on his face. But at least it gave him some other type of pain to focus on. When he came back, Even wasn’t there. But he had left a note.

.

 

> _My boy doesn’t see me. My boy thinks that he does but my boy doesn’t see me. My boy keeps me warm at night. My boy shields me and holds me tight. But my boy doesn’t see that I’m drowning. My boy is floating and he doesn’t see that I’m drowning. My boy hurts because I won’t hold his hand in mine. My boy cries because I won’t press his lips to mine. But my boy doesn’t see that I’m drowning. My boy doesn’t see that if I hold his hand in mine, that if I press his lips to mine, he will drown with me. My boy thinks he sees. But my boy doesn’t see. My boy aches for me, but he doesn’t see that I can’t afford to wish for more. My boy cries for me, but he doesn’t see that all I want is for him to reach the shore. I may be drowning, but I won’t take my boy down with me. I may be drowning, but I won’t let him drown with me. My boy doesn’t see me._

.

Isak folded the note and hid it in his top drawer, the ‘Even’ drawer. He wondered if poems about this ‘boy’ were the new ‘don’t cry’, if they were like band aids.  

_‘Here, I cut you. Have a poem. Feel better buddy.’_

* * *

**Sigve**

10:18

Hey

I’m so embarrassed about last night lol

Mutta says i got super trashed?

Sorry :((

I should have listened to you

We should have just stayed at my place

And made out until the countdown

Hey

Dont worry about it

Hi <3

How was the rest of your night?

Spent it with Even

Oh

Ok

Did you guys have fun?

…

Edvard fell and we ran to the hospital

What???

Is he okay??

Yeah he’s fine

He slipped over the black ice

I’m such an ass for not taking care of it

Omg noooo

Are you sure he’s ok?

Is he back home?

Not yet

I’m gonna go visit at the hospital

This afternoon

Can i come?

Omg poor eddy

Eddy?

It’s a nickname for Edvard :p

Is he aware of this nickname?

No but he will be soon haha

So can I come?

The hospital is a public space

Don’t get smart with me

Sorry

I’m being a dick sorry

Just had a rough night

It’s ok i get it

I’m still very hungover haha

You don’t remember last night?

You don’t remember the cab and stuff?

I remember mutta ordering me a cab

…

Why?

No reason

Do you know which room Edvard is in?

I’ll show up around 12:30

I’ll be there

Just text me

I’ll come get you

<3

* * *

Isak threw his phone on his bed and groaned against his pillow. More denial. Great.

He was more than sure that Sigve remembered sobbing while holding onto a cab door and begging him to choose _him._ No one forgot feeling that kind of despair. No one.

.

Edvard hated the nickname ‘Eddy’. He didn’t have to speak the words. His face said it all. Sigve was perky and sweet and he even brought flowers, lilies or something. But Edvard was being politely petulant.

He was like a child or a puppy. He either liked the person or he didn’t. He was either a hundred percent devoted to them or could barely stand them. It made Isak smile. He was ridiculous.

“I’ll be back later, yeah?” he asked as Sigve and he were about to leave his room.

“Could you come back in thirty minutes?” Edvard asked and Isak had to stop himself from laughing.

Was he seriously trying to stop him from spending time with Sigve?

“Okay,” said Isak.

.

Isak bought both of them crappy hospital coffee and they sat in the waiting area of some other service on the second floor. It looked like the dermatology wing, but Isak wasn’t sure.

“How are you?” he asked.

“I’m sorry,” Sigve blurted out, catching him a bit off guard with the vulnerability in his voice.

Sigve had bags under his eyes and his skin wasn’t glowing as usual. He looked like he hadn’t slept at all.

“Why are you sorry?”

“For embarrassing myself and you last night,” Sigve blushed and looked at his hands. “And for pretending I didn’t remember asking you to choose me or whatever this morning. That was dumb.”

Isak took another sip of his coffee and threw his head backwards.

“I’m the one who should apologize,” he sighed, letting one of his hands fall against his own thighs.

“Why? For doing a body shot with Even? That was my fault. I pushed you. I shouldn’t have done that.”

Isak remained silent beside him, his lack of words admitting that it wasn’t what he was feeling sorry about.  

“Oh,” Sigve gasped beside him when it clicked in his head, probably.

Isak felt guilty. Did it count as cheating? He didn’t know. Probably not. Isak never made him promises. They weren’t even exclusive according to Sigve.

“Did you sleep with him?” he asked, his voice betraying the nonchalance of his words.

“No,” said Isak. “I mean yeah we shared a bed, but we didn’t have sex if that’s what you’re asking.”

He had no idea why he felt like he owed the truth to this kid but here he was.

“Did you kiss?”

“Yes,” said Isak, and he was reminded of his talk with Even in the playground when he asked about Herman, except Sigve’s questions were less crude.

“Are you together now?”

“No,” Isak replied. “It was just a midnight kiss. It-”

“Don’t say that it didn’t mean anything,” said Sigve, looking away now, a deep frown settling into his soft face. “Because I know it’s not true.”

“I wasn’t going to say that,” said Isak. “I was gonna say that it won’t happen again.”

“You don’t know that,” said Sigve.

“He rejected me yesterday,” Isak blurted out. “He said that he doesn’t love me.”

And while Isak intended for it to sound comforting, he only realized how cruel his words were once they were out there between them.

_Don’t worry. The boy I love doesn’t love me back. You have nothing to worry about. I can get back with you now._

“Okay,” Sigve breathed beside him and Isak’s heart broke when he caught him wiping what looked like a tear.

_I’m such a fucking dick._

“I think we should stop this,” he spoke softly, hoping Sigve could tell how much he actually cared about him despite his harsh words.

“This,” Sigve repeated, sounding a bit bitter, a bit hurt.

“I don’t want to hurt you. I think we should stop.”

Sigve shifted next to him and Isak couldn’t bear looking at him. So he didn’t, not even when his hands touched his face.

“You already have,” said Sigve, now pressing a soft kiss to his cheek and making him shudder. “But it’s okay. I knew what I was signing up for.”

Isak’s chest kind of deflated after that. At least this boy could admit that he was hurting. At least he was honest and open with his feelings. At least he treated himself with enough kindness and respect to do that.

.

“We can be friends,” Sigve suggested with a smile as Isak walked him to the main entrance of the hospital. “I don’t just like you for your skills in bed, you know.”

“Friends,” Isak huffed out a laugh. _Oh man._

“Yeah. Friends.”

“You know we’ll end up fucking if we do that, right?” Isak chuckled.

“That’s kind of the plan,” Sigve winked.

But Isak didn’t laugh. It wasn’t funny. Being touched by the person one pined after and craved so intensely wasn’t funny. It wasn’t even satisfying. It just left one feeling like utter crap. Isak would never recommend it.

_I don’t want your body. I want your heart._

“See you around, Isak,” said Sigve.

“Bye Sigve.”

.

On his way back, Isak ran into Even who was carrying sunflowers and a bright smile. It almost seemed like he was waiting for him. Isak wondered if he had seen him with Sigve.

“Who the hell brings sunflowers to a patient in a hospital?” Isak groaned as they made their way to Edvard’s room.

“He loves sunflowers. What are you talking about?” Even laughed beside him, finally taking off his beanie and setting his blue hair free.

“Huh? Sunflowers?”

“Yeah. They’re his favorite flowers,” said Even.

“That’s bullshit. They’re _your_ favorite flowers,” said Isak.

“They’re his, too,” Even smiled, placing a hand on the small of Isak’s back again to lead him into the room. “He told me that.”

“Yeah, there’s no way,” Isak replied, blushing a bit because he was touch-starved like that.

“Anyways. I hope he likes my flowers better,” said Even.

“Hm?”

“I saw Sigve,” he shrugged. “I bet he brought flowers, too.”

Even had seen them after all. And he had waited for Isak to be done. Great.

“He brought lilies,” said Isak.

“How is he? He was kind of drunk last night.”

“I ended things with him just now,” Isak blurted out. He didn’t want Even to think the events of the previous night meant nothing to him. “So I don’t know how he feels.”

“I see,” Even breathed beside him.

And it took Isak a while to finally lift his eyes off the ground and look at Even. But when he did, he was greeted with a lovely sight. Even was smiling to himself.

.

“Sunflowers!” Edvard exclaimed. “And you brought the sun, too!”

“What the hell,” Isak frowned, depositing Even’s bag on the floor. “Are you two the same person? Also did Edvard just refer to me as the sun?”

“Babe, it’s literally sunny outside now,” Even teased him with a blinding smile.

_Babe._

Isak blushed because Even had called him _that_ in front of Edvard and because he had just embarrassed himself by assuming Edvard would call him the sun.

“God!” he groaned.

Both Even and Edvard laughed at their heart’s content while Isak groaned and squirmed in front of them.

Later on, he found out that Edvard was going to be discharged the following day, and he made plans to stay at Mutta’s place for the night.

“I’ll hang out with you two for a little while,” Even declared on their way back to his house. “If you don’t mind.”

“We haven’t hung out in a while,” Isak admitted. It was mostly true. He couldn’t recall the last time he had just chilled in someone’s house with Even.

“Yeah, I figured I need to stop isolating myself so much. Edvard’s right,” Even shrugged, both hands in his pockets, his eyes squinting because it was still a bit sunny.

“Edvard? You talked to Edvard?”

“Yeah,” Even chuckled. “It’s kind of weird but it’s like he sees right through me. He says I’m too hard on myself and stuff. I don’t know.” He shrugged.

Isak wondered what kind of magic Edvard possessed to get through to both of them, the two most closed off people he knew.

“You are,” said Isak, biting onto his bottom lip for no apparent reason. “Hard on yourself I mean.”

“Yeah, well. I’ll try not to be,” Even smiled. “I’ll try to be nicer to myself or something.”

“Hanging out in Mutta’s dump isn’t exactly being nice to yourself, But you do you!” Isak stuck his tongue out.

“Excuse me? Mutta’s dump? Is it because of Myrcella? Does he know that you disrespect his home behind his back? All that boy does is clean his apartment.”

“Whatever,” Isak rolled his eyes, then when Even threw an arm around his shoulders just like the good old days before everything got weird, he let him.

.

That night, they played video games in Mutta’s apartment and they slept on the floor with his dog and her white fur, Myrcella, snoring on Even’s stomach. All the damn pets preferred Even.  

She was a Maltese dog that acted nothing like a Maltese. Isak read somewhere that they were supposed to be lovable and cute and puppy-like throughout their lives. But she was always angry and scared and the most obnoxious pet on the planet -- right after Tequila, probably. Isak had no idea why Mutta loved her so much. All she did was bark all the time, at everyone, _all the time_. Except Even. She loved Even.

She loved Isak, occasionally, when he sang. She only tolerated him when he was studying with his headphones and humming along to some song. She would stretch on the floor and lie down, then start barking as soon as he stopped singing.

“Isak, for the love of God. Please do that Jason Mraz song or something,” Elias would beg when Myrcella was having a particularly bad day and decided that she had to bite his leg off.

It had taken her a while to understand why Even’s hair was suddenly blue, and Isak had enjoyed her barking at him too, despite the momentary fear in his eyes.

“What if she never realizes it’s me? Oh my god? It will kill me!” Even sighed dramatically.

It hadn’t lasted too long though, Even quickly going back to being her favorite. Isak suspected that she even liked his blue hair better.

And tonight, on Mutta’s carpeted and freshly cleaned bedroom floor, it was on Even’s chest that Myrcella had found a home.

_Ugh._

“Jealous?” Even whispered in the middle of the night in the dimly lit room, his eyes sparkling with something that Isak couldn’t quite describe.

“In your dreams,” Isak rolled his eyes then turned his back to him, hiding the little smile that had spread across his face.

.

Things were good. Things were great, even.

Mutta asked Isak about Sigve and New Year’s maybe three days after Edvard got discharged from the hospital, and Isak told him the truth.

_“Even and I made out on New Year’s. I asked him to choose me. He told me he doesn’t love me instead. He also wrote me a poem about drowning or something, but like I don’t think it counts. We’re back to being best friends which is all that matters. He isn’t that hard on himself anymore and he hangs out with us thanks to our lord and savior, Edvard. And finally, Sigve and I are friends.”_

.

Things were great until school started again and Isak noticed how awkward their ‘squad’ hangouts were now. They were mostly weird because Sonja no longer joined them, staying with her girl friends instead and prompting everyone to speculate. They were also awkward because of the elephant in the room. None of the boys had brought up their picture in bed together. Not even Adam who was usually so careless with words.

It all felt very fragile, however. They were all walking over eggshells around them, and Isak could sense the awkward pause and shift whenever Even or himself joined a conversation. He was almost sure they had talked about it amongst themselves and come up with a consolidated plan. _“Let’s just act like nothing happened.”_

Isak figured they just knew they shared beds sometimes. They knew Isak and Even were _special_ friends -- to borrow Elias’ words -- and that they did weird things sometimes, like crash weddings and set random objects on fire. Or perhaps they had bought Even’s lies. Who knew.

And while he was okay with the awkwardness for the first couple of days, Isak couldn’t help but feel guilty about Sonja, Sonja who looked hurt and betrayed. He couldn’t stand it.

He eventually decided to keep it to himself, her giving him the silence treatment, even though it hurt him. He didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. He knew that he tended to overthink and make everything about himself. Perhaps Sonja simply wanted to spend time with girls instead because they didn’t casually degrade women all the time. Perhaps.

Sonja walked past him in the library once -- nearly jolting when she saw him -- then quickly turned around and headed for the door. There was no ignoring this one. They had made actual eye contact this time around, and Sonja still chose to turn around.

Isak kind of felt himself wither inside. It wasn’t fair. He hadn’t done anything wrong. He didn’t deserve to be treated this way. He didn’t get why she was angry, why she was treating him so coldly. So he gathered his courage and followed her outside.

“Sonja!” he shouted after her while she fumbled with her headphones ahead of him to make it look like she couldn’t hear him. This silly girl.

Isak caught up to her and forced her to look at him. Her eyes were wide and her breaths were short. She was hurt. Isak could almost always tell. She was an open book.

“What’s going on with you? Why are you ignoring me?” he asked.

“Isak!” she exclaimed, her eyes a bit wide, a false sense of excitement in her voice. “Oh, I didn’t see you-”

“Oh. Cut the bullshit!” he groaned.

Her expression quickly changed into something hard and hurtful. He immediately regretted following her outside. Isak wasn’t a confrontational person. He always recoiled into himself when things got rough.

“No, _you_ cut the bullshit, Isak!” she yelled in his face.

“What the fuck is this about? The picture that Even sent? That was from ages ago! It doesn’t even matter. It’s not what you think!”

“You slept with him!” she shouted. “You fucking slept with him and you never told me!”

Isak took a step back, maybe two. There was fire in her voice. She was always nothing less than gentle towards him. But right now, she was angry. She was furious with him.

“Sonja-”

“ _Me!_ Isak! You didn’t tell _me_ anything. It killed me when he rejected me after we had sex. You know this! I told you this! And while I was pouring my heart out to you, you were fucking him the whole time?!”

Isak’s mind blanked out for a little while. He could see her and hear her and feel her, but he couldn’t come up with anything to defend himself. He had no excuses. He could have lied and said that the picture didn’t mean they had slept together. He could have corrected her beliefs and specified that they had only had sex once. He could have come up with a timeline and say that the sex happened _after_ she had confided in him. He could have turned this around and made it about how it had killed _him_ inside to comfort her while he was going through the exact same type of heartbreak.

But nothing made it past his mouth.

“I-”

“I always felt it between you two. You know? I always did. I mean you always have things that only the two of you do,” she continued a bit more calmly now, her eyes shining with tears. “I always tease you about it with the guys, too. But I was convinced you wouldn’t do me dirty like that. I was sure you would have said something all those times I was crying on your shoulder. I was so sure.”

“I’m sorry,” Isak mumbled, not exactly sure what he was apologizing for. God, it hurt.

Sonja sighed and took a deep breath, taking him in. He was about to cry, too.

“Fuck!” she groaned. “Damn it! Ugh!”

“What?” Isak’s eyes widened, taking a step back and a moment to collect himself.

“It’s. It’s not even your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. I just-. I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m yelling at you. You’re probably just as messed up over this.”

But she was wrong. Isak was in the wrong, too. He had always taken her feelings for granted, always. They were facts and absolute truths, but it was as if they didn’t even matter in his head. All that mattered was what he felt and needed and wanted. Isak was so selfish.

“It’s my fault. I knew about your feelings. I knew,” Isak mumbled. “I’m sorry.”

“Shut up. You’re making me feel even worse!” Sonja sighed.

“Your feelings are important, too. I’m sorry. I understand why you’re angry,” he continued, his eyes fixated on his feet. He couldn’t look at her. He felt terrible.

“God! Stop it! You’re making me sound like the most dramatic person ever,” he heard her chuckle.

“And for the record, it happened a long time ago when he was manic. There’s nothing between us now. We’re just best friends,” Isak lied, burning himself like a fool.  

“I don’t believe you,” she said. “But you don’t owe me anything.”

“I just want everything to go back to normal,” Isak sighed with hunched shoulders. He was so tired.

They ended up hugging it out in front of the library until it started snowing around them. Sonja gave the best hugs still. She was soft and small and strong and she always smelled so nice. She also forgave him everything and made him guilt-trip out of his mind and drove him mad. But he loved her all the same.

“I know I don't say it often but our friendship means a lot to me,” he mumbled when they both let go, making her laugh.

“That blue haired asshole is rubbing off on you. You’re starting to sound just like him,” she joked but her eyes looked sad.

_You’re desperately in love with him, too._

“Just tell me you love me already!” Isak groaned.

“I love you already,” she said, cupping his face in both hands and pulling at his cheeks. “I was only gonna avoid you for a few more days by the way.”

“You’re an asshole!” Isak shoved her hands away.

“Maybe. But promise me we’ll never fight over boys ever again, okay?”

“Okay.”

They went for coffee the next day and it was as if everything had gone back to normal.

Except it hadn’t.

Isak started paying attention to his friends and what they wanted a little bit more. He always felt so much that he forgot that the outside world existed sometimes, that other people were capable of feelings too, that other people pined after Even Bech Næsheim too.

_Nobody loves me like you. But I love you like everybody loves you. Is that why I’m not special?_

.

Even came over most days to see Edvard who was on bed rest after being discharged from the hospital. They talked for almost hours at a time, with Even going and on about some film he had watched or one of his classes or a book that Edvard had suggested.

They spent almost three hours talking about this book series, _Earth’s Children_ or something, that sounded like the most boring read ever. It was set during the Last Stone Age and it was about this girl who got raised by Neanderthals. Isak had no idea how Even was managing to read this, but Edvard sounded like a child talking about his favorite book. He was so attached to the female protagonist and talking about her with so much admiration that Isak almost wanted to read this dumb book too now. Edvard made everything sound endearing.

Isak usually tagged along for the first hour then felt like doing something else. He loved both Even and Edvard to bits, but sometimes he felt like they were holding back in front of him, like they were waiting for him to leave to tackle the real topics.

Isak had no idea how his roommate had become so enamored with his best friend, but at least they were both smiling and laughing. Even laughed genuinely, too. And Isak found himself wishing he could sit through their deeper conversations. He wished he could get some tips from Edvard on how to get Even to laugh and be so kind to himself like this.

Later, when Edvard could stand again, Isak caught them in the middle of some sort of photoshoot in the living room. Even was making Edvard do some awkward poses with the help of the woman Isak had always assumed was his daughter.

She wasn’t. Her name was Helga and Isak was embarrassed that Even had found that out before him. She helped around the house, did laundry and cleaning when Isak was in classes, and she took care of Edvard. She was a sweet woman. She couldn’t have been older than sixty, Isak decided.

“Her cakes are the best!” Even told him with bright eyes and blue hair and the widest smile, right before earning himself a light smack to the head when Helga caught him dipping his index finger in the cake batter.

“No touching,” she warned him with squinted eyes. But it only took one smile from Even and him sticking his tongue out for her to physically melt and let him have the leftovers from the batter.

_Same._

Isak recognized her cooking almost immediately and asked her awkwardly if she had made the Christmas food.

“Yes,” she replied with a proud grin. “You liked it? My grandchildren say I have the best stuffing.”

Isak told her that the stuffing was delicious, but deep down his heart was breaking.

Edvard had lied about his daughter making the Christmas food and Isak wondered why. He only ever lied when he didn’t want to be pitied or when he didn’t feel like being a nice person, but Edvard didn’t seem like the type.

At least it made sense why they hadn’t visited in the hospital now.

.

Helga started coming more often given that Edvard couldn’t move most days, and Isak didn’t even mind. She was warm. She was motherly. She was a riot. And it barely took three days for her to start smacking him on the head and yelling at him to finish his vegetables, too.

She started picking up his dirty laundry and Isak almost combusted when he realized she had washed his boxers and his socks. _Shit._

“You don’t have to-”

“Oh shush, I’ve raised boys before. I know all about this!” she dismissed him almost immediately, making her way to the kitchen and barely giving him time to speak.

Isak decided that Helga was great and that she would be a great fit for Edvard.

“You’re playing matchmaker for the elderly now?” Even laughed, both elbows propped on the table in their favorite kebab place. “You should start a business. A matchmaking service for the elderly. It can even be subscription based.”

“What are you on? Subscription based? I’d charge a one-time fee for every successful match,” Isak snorted. “I don't think they have time to fuck around. They would probably settle for the first decent person. This isn’t Grindr.”

“You’ve done user research on dating apps?” Even laughed. “You need to get off Grindr, babe. Get back with Sigve or something.”

“Shut up!” Isak shoved him.

“Or actually no. Don’t do that. I don’t want to have awful sex with an average guy in a twin-bed in Bergen ever again,” Even added nonchalantly.

“Fuck off!” Isak’s face flushed.

So many admissions. _I don’t want to be jealous again and drive myself into someone else’s arms._

“Anyways, back to our lady Helga. Why do you think she’s a good match for Edvard?” said Even.

“Well. She’s the only adult he stands and she’s already taking care of him,” Isak shrugged.

“She’s getting paid to do that though,” said Even, his eyes crinkling and his blue hair pointing in all directions after he freed it from his beanie. “Not a good segway to romance.”

“What happened to being open-minded, Even? Besides isn’t that the plot of Pretty Woman aka your favorite movie of all time?”

Even laughed, clasping both hands together and letting out a gorgeous sound. Isak was so proud of himself for always making him laugh lately. They were so good together lately.

“I’m imagining them taking a bath together now,” Even shuddered.

“She bathes him though. I think,” Isak added.

“Oh my god!” Even laughed again. “Poor Edvard!”

“I’m sure he likes it. I have a feeling he’s a kinky bastard underneath,” Isak smiled, taking another bite out of his food.

“Do you think he still gets it up though?” said Even, making him choke all around it. “Like how awkward would that be?”

“God! I’m eating!” Isak groaned.

“So what?” Even burst into laughter.

“I don’t want to be thinking about Edvard having a boner while I’m eating!”

They laughed like idiots, both of them. And for the first time in a while, when Even reached over to wipe the sauce off his mouth, it didn’t make his heart skip a beat.

Isak was getting over him. Slowly but surely.

.

That was probably a lie. Because every Friday night, Isak followed the back of Even’s head like a lovesick fool in search of _blue._ They were back to their old predicament, minus the actual kissing. Isak wasn’t drinking as much either. And it was probably better this way.

He was at a random party with Jonas and Mahdi when he caught a glimpse of Sigve who was leaning against a taller and older boy, looking pretty as always.

Isak wasn’t sure what the feeling roaming his chest was. He couldn’t call it jealousy because Sigve hadn’t even crossed his mind at all lately, well barely. But seeing him completely latched onto someone didn’t feel right. Perhaps it was possessiveness. Perhaps it was insecurity and disappointment. Sigve had looked so desperate for him and had made him feel so important after all. To see him moving on this quickly was a bit tough to accept. It was selfish and pathetic, but it was what it was. _Maybe I wasn’t that special._

“Isak!” Sigve shouted as soon as he spotted him, immediately letting go of the older boy whose hair was leaning towards the color auburn, and making his way over to him.

He wrapped him in a hug so tight that Isak felt himself relax again. It made him feel valued again. He was the most selfish person in the world.

“So this is the Almighty Isak?!” said the older guy in a voice that startled Isak a bit. He hadn’t expected it to be so high-pitched.

“Huh?”

“Shut up, Eskild!” Sigve groaned, looking embarrassed and mortified.

“I was picturing some hung dudebro, not a baby gay!” Eskild lamented dramatically again, making Isak extremely confused.

_Are they talking about me?”_

“And yes, I mean you, darling,” Eskild replied with a wink as if he had read his mind.

“Oh my god! Isak, don’t listen to him, he’s a lunatic!”

_Baby gay?_

“I’m not a baby gay,” Isak frowned, taking the comment to heart even if he had no idea what it meant.

“Grumpy, too?” Eskild snorted. “I like him. He’s adorable.”

“Uh, hey man,” Jonas interrupted their party of three. “I hope you’re not giving Isak shit.”

“Absolutely not. Just getting to know the boy who got Sigve throwing up on my carpet at five in the morning,” Eskild grinned.

Isak was mortified. Yeah. Okay. He hadn’t signed up for this. Sigve looked even more embarrassed and Isak wanted to take all of it back. He wished this Eskild guy was Sigve’s new guy instead of _this,_ whatever this was.

.

“He’s my friend,” said Sigve once they reached the backyard, the party still ongoing behind them. “He’s a total drama queen though. Don’t listen to him.”

“I like him,” Isak shrugged, moving to a bench that was leaning against a dead tree. “He’s funny.”

Sigve smiled and Isak felt like reaching over and poking his dimpled cheeks. He was precious and adorable. And truthfully, Isak had missed looking at him.

“He takes care of me and stuff,” Sigve added, sitting next to Isak on the bench but keeping a safe distance between them. “I met him at a bar two years ago. I was completely trashed and he took me in for a couple of days.”

Isak’s heart pinched. This boy was way too relatable. He could totally see himself in his shoes, drinking out of his mind at age sixteen and ending up at a gay bar. He had actually done that before, but Even had shown up to get him home instead. He had carried him on his back, too. Even.

“What happened two years ago?” said Isak, trying to bring his focus back to the conversation he was currently having.

“Hm?”

“Why did you get trashed and end up staying at a stranger’s instead of home?”

“My dad had just kicked me out,” Sigve shrugged. “Didn’t have much of a choice.”

“Oh,” Isak gasped, unsure of how to respond. He might have resented his father most of his life, but he had never kicked him out or renounced him. If anything, he sent him money regularly and did his best to be a part of his life. “Why would he do that? That’s fucked up. I’m sorry.”

“He caught me having sex with a man,” said Sigve in a chuckle. It was bitter and heart-wrenching. “In a similar position to the one we tried when Even caught us.”

Isak didn’t really know what to say. His dad had walked in on him having sex with a man and he had kicked him out. That was messed up. Isak didn’t know how he would have reacted if that had happened to him.

“It was my first time, too,” Sigve added with a smile, always that smile. “It kind of messed me up to be honest.”

Isak sighed and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

“I’m sorry,” Isak mumbled. He wished he had a cigarette to press between his lips right now. “You were sixteen?”

“Yeah,” Sigve replied. “And it’s not your fault.”

“It’s messed up though,” Isak added, because it was.

“Yeah whatever. First times are supposed to be scarring, I heard somewhere. That way, the only way is up!”

Isak sat there silently, his chest faltering a bit. His first time was perfect. He couldn’t relate to that part. The scarring part happened later when he realized he wasn’t that special.

“When did you have sex for the time?” Sigve asked. “If it’s not like weird or anything.”

“At seventeen,” Isak shrugged, looking up at the starless sky. “What happened to the guy you had your first time with?”

“My dad beat him up,” said Sigve. “It was a big mess.”

“What the fuck?” Isak shrieked. “Are you serious? Is he okay? That’s messed up!”

Sigve chuckled a bit, leaning against Isak’s side and moving closer to him.

“It’s okay. He deserved it a bit,” said Sigve.

“Huh?”

“He was my father’s friend. He was almost fifty or something,” Sigve shrugged. “He has a wife and kids and all that jazz. I guess my dad felt betrayed in a way walking in on his oldest friend pounding his son in bed.”

_Wow._

Isak kind of just stopped breathing after that. He didn’t really know what to say. Nothing he had gone through was that bad.

“That’s so fucked up. I don’t know what to say,” he admitted, making Sigve laugh.

“It’s okay,” he chuckled. “It’s cute that you’re trying though. I don’t know. It was my fault a bit because I thought we were in love and stuff. I was so blind. He wasn’t even hot. I just liked the idea of being wanted and held and fucked. But he was just a closeted man looking to take advantage of some barely legal boys. Whatever.”

“Shit,” Isak breathed again, feeling silly for his suddenly very limited vocabulary.

Sigve had gone through so much, yet talked about it so effortlessly. Isak always believed that remembering traumatic things was as bad as living them, that it was reliving them in a way. He couldn’t believe how easy Sigve made it sound and how much trust he was putting in him.

“Who was _your_ first time with?” Sigve asked, his voice a bit hesitant.

_I don’t want to lie to you._

“Even,” said Isak.

_Silence._

“I see,” said Sigve, curling even more into Isak instead of moving away.

“What do you see?”

“That I don’t stand a chance,” Sigve replied.

.

Eskild came back to bother them again and it looked like he was trying to look out for Sigve and make sure he wasn’t being seduced by Isak. _ha._

“He seems really nice,” said Isak as soon as he left again. “How come you never told me about him.”

“I figured you’d meet him at some point. He’s Noora’s roommate,” Sigve shrugged.

Isak remembered Noora taking care of Sigve at the Christmas party and giving him water. Of course she knew him.

“Oh, I see,” said Isak. “That’s chill.”

They sat there in silence, simply listening to each other breathe. Isak wondered what he should be saying next. _How are you after I kind of dumped you? How are you after you just shared some very scarring memories with me?_ He could certainly word things differently.

“Where’s Even tonight?” said Sigve, catching him a little bit off guard with his brutal honesty, always.

“With Yousef. They’re editing a short movie they’re working on together,” said Isak, not even sure whether Sigve remembered Yousef.

“So you’re not together?” Sigve asked, his voice a bit hopeful.

_Does it matter?_ Isak wanted to ask.

“No,” said Isak. “I told you-”

Sigve put a hand on the back of his neck and kissed him on the lips, barely giving him any time to shut his eyes. It was awkward and Isak’s hands quickly shot up between them. He hadn’t expected this. Especially not after Sigve said that he didn’t feel like he stood a chance.

“Shit!” Sigve muttered when he pulled back. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“It’s okay. Uh. Don’t worry. Uh, it happens,” Isak stammered.

“I miss you,” said Sigve. “I just wanted to kiss you again. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

.

“Sigve kissed me yesterday,” said Isak, his arm stretched above him as he lay on his back in Even’s bed with Myrcella on his legs.

They were babysitting the damn dog today because Mutta was interviewing for some job. Even had just asked him how the party had gone and Isak wanted to discuss this with his best friend.

“Hm,” Even hummed next to him, putting down his copy of _The Valley of Horses_ \-- or maybe it was Edvard’s copy. Isak wasn’t sure -- to look at him. “Was it like a drunk kiss?”

_Oh wow. Screw you._

“No,” Isak replied. “It was a _“I miss you”_ kiss. He wasn’t drunk.”

“I see,” said Even and if Isak had expected to see some hurt in his face, there was none. He seemed genuinely interested though. “Did you kiss him back?”

“No. He had just shared some personal stuff with me so I didn’t want to overwhelm him”.

“Would you have kissed him back otherwise?” Even asked.

“I don’t know,” Isak sighed. “I don’t think so. I ended things with him. I don’t want it to get messy again.”

Even smiled then lay on his back next to Isak and Myrcella. He knew he was about to say something that would hurt, but he still waited.

“Someone once told me that if you want to kiss someone, you should just kiss them,” Even said softly, with a smile so little that Isak almost missed it. “Don’t overcomplicate things, you know.”

_‘Just kiss me if you want to kiss me, Even!’_

He had expected it to hurt. But it didn’t. It made him feel warm inside instead.

“I don’t want to kiss him,” said Isak, turning to his side to drown in the blue in Even’s eyes. _I only ever want to kiss_ you _._

“Are you sure?” Even smiled, his index finger coming up to poke Isak in the cheek.

“Positive,” Isak smiled right back.

“Then don’t kiss him,” Even touched him again, this time his entire palm stroking his cheek, soft, and tender, and just _them._  

“I won’t.” Isak covered his hand with his own.

_We’re so weird._

.

Things were soft, so incredibly soft between them lately. Isak’s heart barely hurt anymore. It pinched still. It pinched because Even made him feel so much all the time. But it mostly fluttered now. It fluttered when Even put a hand on his hip, or when he called him ‘babe’, or when he smiled at him, or when he gave him a crappy script to read about a man with green hair who worshipped a boy who could control nature.

_“I’m not reading your crap anymore!”_ Isak blushed.

They were constantly smiling around each other, as if they shared a secret that no one else knew about, as if they were in their own little world that no one could step foot into.

“You two are fucking. Aren’t you?” Magnus blurted out during lunch, making Isak choke on a piece of rice and Even leave to get him a cup of water, only to come back with a flushed face, too.

“What the fuck? Are you insane?” Isak coughed repeatedly while Even rubbed his back, laughing nervously.

Jonas quickly changed the topic because he was an angel sent from above, and Isak was grateful.

Even was smiling more now, so much more, and not the fake smiles either. They looked genuine because sometimes Isak caught him beaming when he didn’t think anyone was looking.

But while his heart fluttered and no longer hurt, Isak was also acutely aware that it would never get better than this, that they could never be together, that this was as good as it could be.

Isak was his best friend. And if he weren’t special as a lover, at least he knew he came first as a friend. He wouldn’t give that up for the world. Not ever. He didn’t wish to hurt Sonja or Sigve either. So this was perfect. Not that Even could ever want to be with him like that.

.

Even showed up at his door on a Sunday morning wearing a light gray suit with a tie hanging around his white collar. It wasn’t tied. It was just laying there around his neck. He was also dragging a small suitcase with him and Isak needed more coffee for this.

“Fancy being my date for the day?” Even smiled.

.

Isak’s heart soared. They were doing this again. His chest was about to burst. They were going to a wedding. It was tradition and they hadn’t honored it in so long.

* * *

_#13 The Weddings_

_Isak and Even first crashed a wedding at ages eleven and thirteen, and it was all Even’s idea. Of course. And wherever Even went, Isak followed. So naturally, it became their thing._

_No one questioned who they were because they were kids and they were actually dressed well. (Again, all Even). But when a middle-aged man asked so that he could guide them to the appropriate group picture, Even came up with this elaborate story on how they were related to the groom’s family. The man bought the entire thing, and Isak got to walk around and eat and dance and pretend to be Even’s little brother for the day._

_It differed depending on the time of the year, but Even always found weddings to crash. They developed deceiving and acting skills as well, and they alternated coming up with stories. It was unspoken, but whoever came up with the most ridiculous and intricate scenario kind of won._

_Isak started having a hard time playing along after his parents separated. Mostly because he thought marriage was the dumbest thing in the world now. And while it took some convincing, he eventually came around and showed up and did his best to make Even happy. He was grumpier than he had been as a child and refused to dance. But a few drinks did the trick._

_“I’m not a dancer like you! Piss off,” Isak groaned._

_“Nobody knows who we are here! You can be a shitty dancer here. It’s like dancing in your room!” Even giggled while pulling at his arm. “Also you’re a phenomenal dancer. Are you shitting me?”_

_Isak wasn’t a phenomenal dancer. Even wasn’t either. And they almost got kicked out for nearly grinding against each other in the middle of the dance floor. It didn’t help that they were supposedly cousins for the day._

_“I never want to get married,” Isak groaned while they hid in a table full of kids. All the kids loved Even. It made him want to groan some more._

_“Why not?” Even asked, helping some little boy tie his shoelaces._

_“It’s stupid. It’s just a paper. Why waste everyone’s time for a whole day if you’re gonna chase another piece of paper later to cancel the first one?”_

_“It’s not about the paper. It’s about being able to call someone your family in front of the law and stuff,” said Even._

_“That’s stupid. Who cares about the law?” Isak groaned. “Family shouldn’t be about papers.”_

_“You couldn’t visit me at the hospital because you weren’t family on paper,” said Even, and okay, maybe he had a point._

_“Still. I feel like as soon as you get married. It’s just downhill from there,” Isak shrugged. “I don’t know. I feel like everyone will eventually betray you or get sick of you.”_

_That was a bit dark, but he had a bit to drink._

_“I would never betray you or get sick of you,” said Even, his eyes a bit more intense than the usual._

_If Isak weren’t completely drunk, he would have allowed himself to ask a question or two about his words, or worse: believe them._

_“Yeah well, unless I end up marrying_ you, Mr. ‘I won’t leave you’, _I’m probably just going to stand by my beliefs.”_

_They drank and danced and sang for the rest of the day as the bride’s best friend’s cousins Chris and David. (That was their least elaborate story yet, despite changing their name). And when Even spun him around in the middle of ‘I Got a Feeling’ -- “_ who chose this dumb song, honestly?” Isak complained -- _he pressed his lips to his ears and breathed, “Should we just get married, you and I?”_

_“Are you stupid? I’m sixteen,” Isak rolled his eyes. That was probably not the only thing that could stop them from getting married, but he was a bit intoxicated, so whatever._

_“Not right now!” Even laughed. “Later. When we’re like older.”_

_“You’re not even gay!”_

_Even laughed and they called it a day._

* * *

Even waited for Isak to get changed and put on a suit, and hung out with Edvard for a while.

“So you crash weddings?” Edvard asked in the living room while Isak buttoned his shirt in his room.

“Yeah. We used to, at least. We haven’t in like two years though,” said Even.

Isak stared at his reflection in the mirror. He looked alright and he was going to try to fix his own tie for a change.

“What’s the suitcase for?” He heard Edvard ask.

“We’re technically not crashing this one,” said Even. “I got a last minute videographer gig because the original guy cancelled. So I’ll be working. I have my gear right here.”

_Oh._

Even had forgotten to mention that to him. They weren’t really going to honor the tradition. They weren’t going to be other people for the day. They were going as Isak and Even.

“We’ll take you with us next time,” said Even. “It’s hard to crash weddings now that we’re older. But I’m sure no one will give us shit if you’re with us.”

“Are you saying I’m old?” Edvard replied, making Isak join the laughter all the way from his room.

He eventually gave up and joined them in the living room to ask for help fixing his tie. Edvard would have normally volunteered enthusiastically, but of course he didn’t this time around.

“Even should help you with that,” he said with a little smile, pushing his glasses over the bridge of his nose. “My arms hurt.”

_This bastard. You’re not even smooth about it_

Even smiled that beautiful blinding smile that always made Isak want to combust, and they stood there awkwardly while he did his best to think about Edvard taking a bath instead of Even breathing so close to him right now.

“You look amazing,” Even whispered once he was done. And Isak blushed and looked away.

“Have fun, boys!” Edvard shouted after them after making both of them promise to bring him some leftover cake.

.

“Not wearing your tie again, huh?” Isak observed shyly once they made their way outside.

“I will one day. When there’s a big occasion or something,” Even smiled, his suitcase trailing between them.

“Big occasion like what? We’re going to a wedding. It’s big enough.”

“It’s not our wedding though,” said Even, making him gasp. “I mean it’s not related to us so it’s not a big occasion.”

“Right.”

“Maybe when the time comes, for Edvard, I will,” Even added.

Isak didn’t know what took over him but he found himself glaring at Even, his arms moving before his brain, shoving him.

“Ouch?” Even winced.

“What the fuck?” Isak glared. “What do you mean for Edvard? He’s fine! Are you trying to imply he’s going to die? What the fuck?”

“Wait, what the hell?” Even frowned. “I never said that. What? Why would you assume that?”

“Why would you wear a suit and tie _‘for Edvard’?!_ ”

“I don’t know? For dinner or a concert?” Even glared this time around. “Oh my god, Isak. Don’t say stuff like that. You got my heart beating like crazy.”

They both took their time to calm down, both of them feeling stupid. Isak had certainly _reached_ there.

“Sorry. I just. My brain just caught fire,” said Isak.

“It’s fine,” Even replied. “I just don’t think about that stuff. It’s scary.”

Even joked about dying all the time. But his face had turned pale at the thought of losing Edvard. Isak was having trouble breathing, too.

“I think we should do something involving suits and ties for his birthday next month,” Even eventually spoke as they neared the bus station.

“His birthday is next month?” Isak scoffed. Of course Even knew that detail and he didn’t. He felt like the worst person ever.

“Yup. February,” Even smiled, finally. “Only the best people are born in February.”

“Pfft.” Isak rolled his eyes.

He hadn’t even talked to his friends about Even’s birthday. Now they had to plan another one.

“What day is his birthday?” Isak asked.

“Guess,” Even beamed.

_No way. No fucking way._

“You’re shitting me!” Isak groaned. “No fucking way!”

“February 12th. We share a birthday. Yup,” Even laughed, causing Isak’s brain to short-circuit.

“Is this a prank? You even share the same birthday? Are you joking?”

Even laughed some more and let his warm hand fall on Isak’s shoulder.

“I promise you it’s the truth. He even showed me his ID,” said Even.

“Do old people have ID? What does their ID look like?”

And yeah, Isak tended to ask silly questions when his brain was processing unlikely pieces of information.

“What the hell, Isak?” Even laughed.

Isak knew it was silly and stupid, but sometimes he truly wondered if Even and Edvard were the same person.

.

They stood close to each other on the bus, perhaps too close. They looked good and sharp in their suits, Even in Gray and Isak in Black. Perhaps they should have taken a taxi. But Isak didn’t mind because it meant they got to stand close like this.

He could smell Even’s after shave and body wash and he felt himself get dizzy and weak in the knees. He smelled so nice. So manly yet so sweet. Isak hoped they would get to dance later. He just wanted to get closer. He didn’t even have to touch.

Even gave him a few looks here and there. Just soft little glances and shy smiles that made his heart flutter in his chest. It was all so soft and tender. So when they got to the third stop, Isak let his head fall against Even’s shoulder, smiling to himself when Even leaned his own on top of it.

.

Isak wanted to ask what he was there for if Even was going to be shooting videos. He wanted to ask if he knew someone there, and if they were playing their game. He wanted to ask if his name could be Adrian Eksett for the day. He wanted to ask if they had to be related or if they could just be friends for the day -- so that no one would bat an eye when Isak had two drinks and slipped his hand in Even’s.

He wanted to ask but he stayed silent instead. Things were going so well between them lately. He couldn’t mess things up by being too clingy and weird.

“I have you as my plus one,” said Even as if his thoughts were too loud and he had ended up overhearing. “Did you know wedding videographers get plus ones, too?”

“I’m sure it’s just you,” said Isak.

Even laughed then paused right before they entered the venue.

“I’m gonna be filming the ceremony, but we can hang out during the reception.” said Even. “They have another team covering that.”

“They got two videographers?” Isak asked.

“Actually they got four,” Even chuckled. “They’re very extra like that. I’m sure you’ll like them.”

Isak was sure he would like them too. Even knew him too well after all.

“So I get to chill during the ceremony in the church?”

“Yeah when they exchange their vows and stuff,” said Even.

“Can I just chill outside. I think that part is dumb.”

“I promise it’s worth it.”

.

It was a gay wedding. Isak had never attended a wedding between two men before and he was incredibly flustered for some reason. The fact that they hired four videographers made more sense now, however.

Isak found an empty seat in the fifth row and sat between a woman with a warm smile and a man who looked like he was forced to be there. It was the perfect spot to watch Even work and still see the everything that was taking place.

It was lovely. The music was lovely and the design was lovely and everything was lovely. Isak barely minded the children running around, his heart feeling at ease. For some reason, he hadn’t expected to see children at a gay wedding. Perhaps there were still residuals of internalized homophobia lurking in the shadows of his brain. Perhaps he should stop calling it a ‘gay’ wedding. It was just a wedding, between two men who could have been bi or pan or something else. Perhaps.

Even gave him a thumbs up whenever he caught him looking, and Isak recorded a video of him running his hand through his hair for his instagram story.

**_‘You crashing weddings again?”_ ** Yousef texted him a few minutes later.

**_‘Yup. Just for the day’_ ** Isak replied.

.

Isak felt silly but he teared up during the wedding vows. It was stupid and he knew that words didn’t mean _shit,_ that words were just _that,_ words, that these two men were probably going to grow sick of each other and separate too. But he still teared up.

The two men had been together for almost seven years, he learned through the vows, and they couldn’t wait for the rest of their lives together. But it was the fact that they had been best friends before they got together that truly got to Isak. It was so sweet. They were so sweet. He wanted something like that, too. Something sweet and tender like that. _Why can’t I have that?_

Isak took a picture of the two men kissing and posted it on his instagram, too. He couldn’t care less about appearing ‘extra gay’ today. And yes, maybe that internalized homophobia was still there in the corners of his heart.

Even was right. It was worth it.

.

“What did you think?” Even asked when he found him in the crowd, his hand naturally coming up to rest on the small of his back.

“It was beautiful,” said Isak, still feeling overcome with emotion. “It’s sappy as shit but it was beautiful.”

Even chuckled before wrapping his arms around him, comforting him.

“You’re such a sap deep down,” he said.

“Oh, shut up!”

Even had gotten the gig through one of his film professors and he virtually knew nobody in the wedding. It made Isak’s heart pinch. _So we can be anyone for the day? Can we play?_

A woman and what looked like her husband walked up to them because they remembered seeing Even with his camera in the ceremony, and Isak’s muscled kind of clenched.

_Are we going to play?_

“I’m Even,” he said while shaking the woman’s hand, shattering his hopes a bit. They weren’t playing. They were Isak and Even. They weren’t crashing a wedding. Even was working and Isak was tagging along.

“And this is Isak,” said Even before reaching hesitantly for his hand which was lying idle between them as they stood next to the bar.

Isak’s eyes immediately went wide. Even never held his hand to introduce him, whether he was doing so as Isak or Adrian or Trond or whatever. This was certainly a first.

He gave him a look carrying a hundred questions and was met with a thousand in Even’s eyes.

_What are we doing?_

“Isak?” the woman repeated.

“Yeah,” Even finally turned his attention back to her, his voice a bit shaky as he laced his fingers with Isak’s. “My boyfriend.”

.

Isak couldn’t really look at him or hear the rest of that conversation which seemed to have lasted for an hour. His heart was beating hard and fast against his ribcage, and he couldn’t form a single coherent thought.

_‘Isak. My boyfriend, My boyfriend, Isak.’_

_My boyfriend, Even. Even, my boyfriend._

“How are you enjoying the wedding, Isak?” the woman asked, startling him back into reality.

“Uh, yeah. It’s, uh, nice,” Isak stammered, his fingers now damp against Even’s. He could barely breathe.

“Well, enjoy your time, both of you. I’ll see you later after I down a few Martinis,” she laughed then dismissed herself.

_My boyfriend._

Isak kept staring at the floor as another person ambushed them. He had wanted to play so badly, but he wasn’t sure he could do this now. He hadn’t even had any alcohol yet.

“Are you okay?” Even whispered in his ear, still holding his hand, still making his heart soar.

“Don’t you think it’s a bit cruel?” Isak replied in a shaky breath, prompting Even’s face to fall and for him to untangle their fingers right then and there, only for Isak to reach over and lace them together again.

_It hurts me, but I’ll have it for as long as I can._

“I’m sorry,” Even whispered, guilt all over his face. Perhaps he hadn’t thought this one through. “I-”

Isak shushed him with a finger to his lips. They could worry about this later. They could certainly make it weird later. Both of them always played along, even that year when Isak introduced Even as the bride’s ex-boyfriend.

“It’s fine,” said Isak, his fingers pressing against Even’s knuckles. “Just for the day.”

“Just for the day.”

.

Being Even’s boyfriend was fun. Nothing much changed, really. They still danced and ate and laughed. They just did all of that while holding hands and touching each other’s hips and necks and lips to wipe some leftover cake. They just smiled and came up with different answers to questions such as ‘how long have you been together?’ -- Isak replying with six months and Even with four years.

Alcohol made it easier, too. They didn’t get trashed but they both had two cocktails each, really good ones, too. If he wasn’t so busy pretending to be Even’s boyfriend, Isak would have probably tried flirting with the bartender.

“I see you, Valtersen,” said Even.

“Huh?”

“I see you eyeing that hottie behind the bar.”

“Piss off,” Isak rolled his eyes.

“Oh, that’s not nice. Do I need to remind you that you’re mine for the day?” Even pouted.

“I’m your boyfriend, not _yours_. Boyfriends aren’t always nice to each other,” said Isak.

“Oh baby, why must you hurt me like that?”

Isak’s face flushed and he immediately forgot all about the dark haired bartender. _Baby._

“Don’t call me that,” Isak groaned.

“I’ll stop when it stops making you blush,” Even laughed.

“I am not blushing!”

.

“So how did you two meet?” said a woman with incredibly soft hair. Isak almost wanted to touch.

He wanted to tell this elaborate story about how they had met in a foreign country and run into each other in Oslo. But Even beat him to it.

“We’ve known each other our whole lives. And he probably doesn’t remember the first time we met,” he said, making Isak gasp at his honestly and anticipate the part where the story converged from reality.

“We’ve always been best friends,” he continued with a soft smile and bright eyes. “Until the day I realized that I was in love with him all along.”

Isak dropped the hors-d’oeuvre he was holding, crouching to pick it up, his heart racing uncontrollably in his chest.

_It’s all just a game. It’s not real. It’s just for the day._

.

They kept it up for a little longer, and by Isak’s fourth or fifth drink, Even had convinced him to dance.

“I don’t dance,” Isak muttered.

“Today, you do,” Even smiled. “With me.”

“Just for the day.”

“Just for the day.”

Some stupid mainstream song was playing over the speakers and Isak didn’t have the energy to groan or resist or not melt in Even’s arms.

“What’s this stupid song?” he asked, wrapping both arms around his neck, while Even’s hands settled on his hips.

“Kiss me,” said Even.

“What?!” Isak shrieked, his eyes instantly going wide.

“The song. The song’s called ‘Kiss Me’ by Ed Sheeran,” Even replied, looking a bit disappointed by Isak’s reaction.

“Oh okay.”

They swayed to the rhythm of the song in the middle of the dance floor, the alcohol gentle in his blood, the drumming gentle in his heart. All the rough edges got smoothed down. And by the chorus, Isak was no longer petulant, no longer on his guard, no longer on edge. He felt safe. He felt home. Right there on the dance floor with Even holding him and leading their steps.

Soft and tender was his touch.

Perhaps it was the tequila in his blood. Isak wasn’t sure. But he unhooked his arms from around Even’s neck and slowly brought his hands down from his shoulders all the way down to his chest, pressing both palms against his pecs, breathing deep and slow.

He was mesmerized by the rise and fall of Even’s chest, by how he could feel his heartbeat at his fingertips underneath his shirt, by how Even looked flushed and _fucked,_ his eyes droopy, his lips parted, his breaths hot and short. 

_Damn. You look so fucking hot like this._

“Your heart’s beating so fast,” Isak whispered, acutely aware of Even’s eyes on him, watching him, following his every move. He almost looked mesmerized, too.

“Isak-”

Before he could overthink it, Isak moved closer until their chests were flushed together, until Even could feel how hard and fast his heart was beating, too. He then moved his hands back to Even’s neck and buried his fingers in his hair, finally looking up to meet the blue in his eyes.

Blue. All he saw was blue. Even looked at him like he loved him, and Isak didn’t know who put on the Ed Sheeran song, but he hated them.

_My heart’s against your chest_

_Your lips pressed to my neck_

_I'm falling for your eyes_

_But they don't know me yet_

_And with a feeling I'll forget, I'm in love now_

Even’s eyes were big and blue and wide and just _fond._ Isak felt loved like he wanted to be loved. And it didn’t matter that this was _‘fake’_ , that this was just for the day. This was everything to him. Everything.

“What are you thinking about right now?” Even asked, his grasp tightening over his hips, still gentle, but a little bit more intimate, his hand spreading wider as if he wanted to touch more skin.

“You,” Isak admitted. “For the day.”

_As if I could think about anything else when we’re this close._

“For the day,” Even repeated.

And Isak could swear that it was just the two of them in the universe right now.

_Yeah I've been feeling everything_

_From hate to love_

_From love to lust_

_From lust to truth_

_I guess that's how I know you_

_So I hold you close to help you give it up_

“Are you drunk?” Even asked, holding him close, so close.

“Why?” Isak answered with a question, feeling his knees weaken by the second with the way Even was staring at his face and his lips.

“I want you to remember this,” Even replied.

“Us, slow-dancing?” Isak smiled. “We’ve certainly never done this.”

“Yeah that, too. But not just that.”

Isak pulled gently at the hair on the back of Even’s head and watched his eyes close for a moment. It was so sweet. How he could get him to close his eyes from a mere touch.

“What do you want me to remember, Even?”

“How you’re feeling right now,” he answered softly. “I hope you remember how you feel in this moment.”

“How do you know how I feel right now?” Isak asked. He didn’t do nearly enough asking. Asking questions was good for the soul, especially when he knew the answers beforehand.

“Because I feel it, too,” said Even with a voice so raw it sent shivers down Isak’s spine, his eyes roaming his face again, his fingers digging into his flesh. “My heart is about to explode.”  

_Stop. Stop making me want more. Stop giving me hope._

_‘Just for the day. Just for the day.’_

“Even,” Isak breathed, his fingers digging deeper into his blue hair, pulling gently. His hair, soft like a hug, like the blue sky, always making him feel safe and cared for. His hair, blue for _him_ , just him.

Isak’s heart was back to hurting. The butterflies were still there, but he couldn’t really breathe. He could feel a lump in his throat again. He could feel his lungs burning again. The pining, the longing, the sweet aching that came with wanting another person with all his being and holding everything in, not speaking his mind.

“Yeah?” Even eventually breathed, reminding him that he hadn’t said anything.

“Can I kiss you?”

The question was a bit useless because Isak got on his tiptoes and pulled Even’s face down before he got to answer, pressing their lips together in the middle of the dance floor and startling a sweet sigh out of Even’s sweet mouth.

_Yes._

Isak kissed him tender and slow. Isak kissed him like he had him, like they belonged together, like they were boyfriends. There was no urgency, no pushing and pulling, and barely any desperation either. It was just soft and slow, as if they had all the time in the world, as if they did this a hundred times a day. Kissing for the sake of kissing. Not because they had too many feelings inside that they could never put into words and that had to be conveyed through the brush of their lips.

Even kissed back just as tenderly, just as ardently, if it made any sense at all. His lips were always chapped and bruised but they were always tender against Isak’s, always made him see the stars and taste the heavens.

They kissed for ages, just swaying in each other’s arms while some other song started, Even’s hands now roaming Isak’s back while Isak’s got lost in his hair. They were barely breathing, and they only parted when their lungs started burning. Even smiled, looking disheveled and happy, and Isak couldn’t recall a kiss they had shared that ended in them smiling and blushing instead of crying or falling asleep. It was their first time kissing during the day, too. The sky was blue outside, too.

They kissed again. This time with Even cupping his face and slipping his tongue in his mouth, overwhelming his senses and making his blood flow south. It was still tender, still soft, just a bit braver, just a bit less hesitant.

And _god,_ Isak loved him. All of him. All the time. His hands on him. His lips on his. This was everything.

“Let me drown with you,” Isak panted when green locked on blue. “Just let me drown with you. I don’t want to get to the shore.”

_I think I get it now._

Even’s palm was warm and soft on his skin, cupping his face, his thumb brushing over his cheekbone.

“What kind of ending would it be if we both drown?”

“I don’t care,” said Isak, his hand reaching for Even’s. “I don’t care.”

“But what if I don’t want to drown?” said Even. “What if I want to make it to the shore, too?”

Isak understood. Even was asking for time. Even wanted to get to the shore, too. Isak understood.

“I get it,” he said.

Riddles, analogies, metaphors. It was all they had.

“But can we have today?” said Isak. “Just today.”

“We can have today.”

Today, they were boyfriends. Today, they were each other’s. Today, they danced and they kissed on the dance floor and in the middle of the street -- only stopping to take a stupid selfie after they bundled up, Even in his signature burgundy beanie -- and in the taxi they took back home. Today, they laughed as they walked past Edvard who was sleeping on the couch, still holding hands, giggling like teenagers. Today, Even pressed him against his bedroom door and marked his neck with sweet and hot kisses. Today, they made out in Isak’s bed in their suits until their lips went numb, until they both started shifting uncomfortably in their pants, forcing them to part and take a deep breath, Isak using the time to upload the stupid picture they had taken earlier on instagram.

Today, they were honoring a stupid tradition and they were rolling around in the king sized bed sent from the future. Today, they were each other’s. Today, Isak didn’t think about how Even had probably similar stories going on with Sonja and maybe others. He didn’t think about how he wasn’t that special, about how much this would hurt later, about how he was the Sigve in this relationship, waiting to get hurt over and over again if it meant getting a taste of his sweet mouth. Today, he gave in. Today, he indulged. Today, he sucked on Even’s lips like he owned them. Today, he gave Even a hickey in the same spot where he had sucked a bruise on Isak’s skin before.

.

Helga opened the door to Isak’s room and actually screamed when she saw Isak’s legs wrapped around Even’s waist. Thankfully, they were still clothed, but they were visibly aroused and they were both disheveled and sporting love bites. _Great._

They walked, mortified, to the living room like teenagers that had just gotten caught doing the deed by a parent. And Even pressed a kiss to Isak’s hair, then left before things got more awkward.

Isak couldn’t really breathe for the next hour, pacing back and forth around his room.

_So, what now?_

His phone buzzed and Isak nearly threw himself at his device, his heart full of hope, his lungs still burning.

* * *

**Even**

**23:02**

Thanks for being my boyfriend for the day

My pleasure

* * *

 

Isak stared at his weak response and wondered if Even would text back. He didn’t. The day was almost over now after all. It was no longer ‘today’.

So Isak removed his clothes, put on his pajamas, got in his bed that still smelled like Even, and sent four texts at 23:59 before turning off his phone.

 

* * *

**Even**

**23:59**

I love you

like the sun loves blue skies

and I think I wouldn’t mind drowning

if it’s for you

* * *

Even never replied.

Even never came to school the next day.

And when Isak heard his deep voice as he entered Mutta’s apartment later that night, he was surprised by Myrcella barking like there was no tomorrow.

“It’s Even!” he heard Elias say, trying to reassure her and making Isak leave the couch where he had been moping for hours, trying to keep it together and not break again.

It was Even but Myrcella was still hysterical.

Isak was about to start crying, too.

Because Even’s hair was gray. Even’s hair was silver gray.

Even’s hair was no longer blue.

_How can I be the sun if you won’t be my blue sky anymore?_

_How can I be the sun if you won't let me shine?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *runs* (my mom was looking over my shoulder as i was editing this and she just went 'what exactly are you wRITING during thanksgiving dinner?' my godddd)
> 
> Isak confesses his feelings via text and Even dyes his hair gray the next day.  
> Even's hair is no longer blue. And while it might be completely unrelated, Isak takes it hard. Like yet another breakup. 'You're done being my blue sky. you gave me a day. and now it's over'  
> .  
> in this chapter, Isak kind of takes a step back and breathes. he remembers that they're best friends first & foremost. he's honest with Sigve. He's honest with sonja. kind of. he's almost honest with himself too. thus the confession at the end. he kind of just says 'fuck it'.  
> .  
> Edvard is the number one isak/even shipper. he even got Helga to make him an insta. I was doing laundry one day and this old lady sat next to me while i was reading and started telling me about the book series Edvard tells Even to read in this chapter. She was 84 and she loved that book series SO MUCH. i really wanted to include it.  
> And yes Edvard shares Even's birthday. next chapter goes over THAT.  
> .  
> Sigve hasn't given up just yet. Isak kind of finds out that he's not just made of marshmallows. that he's had it really tough in the past before. i don't know why but i really wanted to include Eskild in this verse and it made sense to me that he would take care of another lost baby gay <3 Sigve's story about his 'first time' is something that happened to a friend of mine. i always wanted to use it in a verse but never got a chance to.  
> .  
> Even is still this big mystery but he's working on himself and his worth. he's spending more time with his friends. he's smiling. he's laughing. he's enjoying Edvard's company (his pov will go through that). he's healing slowly. but he doesn't want to drag Isak down with him until he's worked on his self-worth.  
> .  
> thank you for reading, commenting, leaving kudos, messaging me, creating content, tweeting me, and being the best readers EVER. thank you SO MUCH. i read everythingg.  
> .  
> As usual, leave a comment if you felt something, anything at all. means SO much to me. LOVE YOUUUUU <33333333


	9. I Love You, Man (2009)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Who would pick such a love? Who?"
> 
> featuring petulant!Isak, lame jokes, Seven Minutes in Heaven, piggyback rides, silver hair, Edvard doing some teasing, Sigve doing some lecturing, an unwanted kiss, closet puns, Mutta, three (3) words (again), and soft soft Isak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello. hope you like this. <3  
> thank you for waiting, you amazing people. i'm super busy but things should calm down by next week.  
> .  
> 

“Sick hair, bro!” Elias commented first, completely oblivious to how much the color of Even’s hair actually meant to Isak. Isak who was now on his feet but who couldn’t tell when he had left the couch. Isak whose heart was in his throat and who could feel his eyes well up with angry tears because of someone’s freaking hair color.

“Isak,” Mutta mouthed hesitantly. They had never talked about the blue hair and what it meant. But Mutta was sharp and perceptive. Mutta was the wallflower. He knew everything about everyone all the time. Of course he could tell that this was a big deal.

Isak just stood there, holding Even’s gaze with just as much intensity, just as much fire, ignoring everyone around them in the room. This was about them. Isak and Even. It was about what they had done the previous day. It was about them running around like boyfriends all over town the previous day, kissing and holding hands and slow dancing as if they were in love. This was about them and the blue sky and the sun and Isak declaring his feelings via text.

This was about them.

_You fucking asshole._

“I can’t believe you went through with it,” Mikael finally broke the silence. And it took Isak a moment to realize that he was referring to Even’s hair color, that Mikael was in on the plan.

_Did you dye your hair for him this time around?_

Isak was angry but it wasn’t about the hair anymore. It was from humiliation. Isak felt humiliated because Even had not only completely ignored his texts in which he had poured his heart out to him, but he had also spent time with Mikael and discussed changing his hair color with him.  _Him!_ of all people.

It was silly and irrational, but in the hours he had spent waiting for Even to give him a sign, he had imagined countless things happening that could have hindered him texting back. Even could had broken his phone or he could have been thinking long and hard about a reply. Even was a perfectionist after all. Perhaps he was busy writing another elaborate and metaphor filled poem.

Isak didn’t know what he had expected but it wasn’t this. It wasn’t Even dying his hair and telling Mikael about it.

“Yeah,” Even chuckled nervously while taking off his coat, Myrcella still barking at his feet. “I didn’t think I would go through with it either.”

It wasn’t funny and Isak was completely lost, his insecurities growling inside his head. He was about to walk out of the apartment and shove Even on his way to the door. He was about to act like a child and start barking exactly like Myrcella. His hands were in damp fists by his sides. He was about to implode.

But then he noticed the rise and fall of Even’s chest. He noticed how he wasn’t crouching down to tend to Myrcella and remind her of who he was. He simply stared at Isak the entire time, as if asking if this was okay, as if trying to explain, as if trying to apologize.

_I don’t understand shit._

Isak broke eye contact first and sank back down on the couch, trying to ignore how everyone’s eyes were on him now, the tension palpable.

“What’s with the tension? What the hell?” Adam exclaimed, pointing out the obvious as always.

“Shut up,” Mutta groaned before joining Isak on the couch and throwing an arm around his shoulders, his fingers digging into his flesh as if trying to comfort him. “I’m hungry. Who wants some pasta?”

“Me,” Elias replied. “I’m starving.”

“Awesome! Go make it then,” said Mutta.

The rest of the boys laughed and Isak did his best not to glance at Even again. He did his best to stop overreacting and breaking over the smallest things. Even had dyed his hair. _So what?_ It didn’t have to mean anything. It was just the color of his hair. It was similar to Isak getting a haircut. It didn’t have to carry any meaning.

Yes, Even had originally dyed it blue for Isak and his love for blue skies, but it wasn’t the end of the world. It didn’t have to be a big deal. Perhaps, Even had simply grown bored with blue.  

_I could learn to love gray skies, too._

Even had never made him any promises. Isak had no right to be upset.

.

Isak never ate the pasta that Mikael ended up making and he started feeling drunk by his fourth or fifth beer. They were all huddled up in Mutta’s apartment around his kitchen table hours later when Isak realized that he still hadn’t spoken a word to Even. Even who had kept looking at him the entire evening, never looking away when their eyes met.

_Asshole._

Even never made him any promises but it still hurt. Sober Isak could talk his way out of his childish thoughts, but drunk Isak basked in his pain. He wanted to throw tantrums. He wanted answers.

_I said I love you and you’re not saying anything._

“So what was Isak’s insta post about yesterday?” said Elias, one eyebrow raised as he ate the spaguetti rather ungracefully.

“Huh?” Isak inquired, finally snapping out of the whirlwind of thoughts in his head, slightly confused at the mention of his name.

“You posted a picture with Even yesterday,” Elias explained. “He was kissing your cheek and your caption was like ‘just for the day’ or something.”

Isak wasn’t sure but he could swear he had seen Mutta kick Elias under the table.

“What?” Elias scoffed, frowning. “I just want to know what the hell happened in the past 24 hours for these two to not be talking after posting that picture. That’s all.”

_Fucking Elias._

“What do you mean we’re not talking?” said Even, very calmly. “We’re talking.”

“I mean to each other,” said Elias, rolling his eyes a bit.

“We’re talking to each other,” said Even, smiling and turning his head to Isak. “Aren’t we, Isak?”

_Screw you._

“Why didn’t you answer my texts?” Isak blurted out instead because his heart was hurting and his head was pounding now too, because Mutta’s arm was still around his shoulders and he wasn’t too scared of breaking in front of everyone.

And it probably wasn’t fair because Even had never made him any promises, because Even had asked for time, because Even didn’t want him to drown with him or  _whatever,_ because for some reason, Even wouldn’t give them a chance and wouldn’t love him back. But Isak was only human and he couldn’t get over how Even had kissed him with the passion of a thousand suns and given him a day of touches and kisses and hugs and affection.

“Isak,” Even started then immediately stopped, as if he had no idea how to answer his rather simple question, both legs folded on the plastic chair Mutta typically borrowed from his neighbors when too many people came over.

“I wish I didn’t love the way you say my name,” Isak mumbled to himself in defeat then nearly jolted when Mutta’s palm covered his mouth probably to stop him from saying more embarrassing things.

He wasn’t even drunk. He was just heartbroken.  _Gosh._

_‘What the fuck.’_ None of the boys said it out loud, but Isak could see it on their faces. He was about to drunkenly confess his feelings in front of everybody.  _Great._

“Let’s get you a cab,” Mutta declared nervously while getting on his feet. He was definitely the mom friend. Isak wondered why he cared so much about everyone, why he couldn’t be more like Mikael who simply didn’t care how much his action and words could hurt people he called his friends.

“I’m fine.” Isak shoved Mutta’s hands away. “Don’t need a cab. Leave me alone.”

Adam and Yousef awkwardly cleared their throats while Elias simply sat there, looking confused with Myrcella on his lap.

Both Even and Mutta were shuffling nervously in their seats now, and it almost made Isak want to laugh. He was probably going to feel mortified the following morning.

Even seemed to be feeling hot all over because he was suddenly shedding more layers off of himself, including the thick scarf he had kept on the entire night. And it took Adam three seconds to comment on the obnoxious mark on his neck, making Isak’s skin prickle all over.

“Wow, look at that! It looks exactly like Isak’s,” Adam said in a humorous tone in an attempt to provide comic relief, completely oblivious to the fact that this was only going to make things worse.

He was talking about the hickey, about the love bite Isak had spent an eternity sucking into Even’s skin the previous night while straddling him in bed, making him wriggle and moan beneath him.  _Music to my ears._ Sucking as if his life depended on it, marking him for later, marking for right now, so that everybody knew that Even had let him bruise his skin and claim him.  _My very own work of art,_ Isak had thought.

Isak had the same one on the exact same spot, and the guys had already spent an hour making fun of him before Even got there.

But while Isak hadn’t even tried to hide it, Even was so  _ashamed_ of Isak’s art piece that he had spent the entire night with a scarf hugging his neck while they were indoors. If Isak’s heart hadn’t been hurting already, it would have started now.

It only took a few seconds for everyone around the room to realize why Even wasn’t answering Adam’s question and why he was staring at Isak with a consoling look.

This was probably their most awkward and disastrous hangout ever. Mutta was probably having a panic attack.

“Oh okay,” Elias mumbled, as if he couldn’t process all of this information, his eyes landing on Mikael for some reason.

“I’m gonna head out,” Even declared before standing up. “I’ll take Isak home.”

“I’m not going with you!” Isak frowned because he had no right. He had no right to leave him hanging like that only to come back with gray hair, then take him home.

He had absolutely no right.

“Isak,” Even pleaded with the softest voice. “Please.”

.

The air was cold and merciless, yet it felt like the most comforting touch against Isak’s skin. He hated the cold, absolutely dreaded it, but he still loved how it allowed him to compartmentalize, how it brought him back to reality after a night of heavy drinking, how it felt a hard slap most of the time. Isak liked the paradox of the cold burning his skin. It almost made him smile.

Even was silent behind him, his steps light and short, trying to match Isak’s. They were keeping a safe distance between them, with Even two steps behind. It was what they always did when Isak was angry at him after Even had just done something outrageous -- like that time he had decided tell his date Jakob that he would  _fuck_ Isak if he asked.

It was funny how it had all started that night. They had been perfectly fine before that. Isak had just moved out because of a night of cuddling that had made him want to combust, and they had been okay until Even decided to get drunk and suggest to his date that they were more than friends. They had been okay until images of Even  _actually fucking him_ started flooding his brain.

_It all goes back to that night. Always._

It was funny how Isak had decided to move out because he couldn’t stand being that physically close to Even anymore and how it had only ended up bringing them closer, how Even had managed to charm his eighty-nine year old roommate and spend just as much time in his bed as before. It was funny how Even could fit into every part of his life effortlessly, how he was all over and around him. Always.

Isak couldn’t stand it but he couldn’t imagine a life in which they weren’t so intertwined either. Like the cold, Even burned him but kept him whole. Like the cold-

“I think I’m drunk,” Isak broke the silence about five minutes into their walk, slowing his steps to lean against a street pole, his head spinning, spinning, spinning.

“You think?” Even chuckled but there was nothing malicious about it. He was smiling.

“Don’t laugh at me!” Isak groaned, his forehead now touching the cold metal, immediately prompting him to close his eyes.

“That must be cold,” Even sighed beside him, standing so close that Isak could feel his body heat now. “Don’t lean on it. You’ll get a headache.”

“I’m so dizzy. I can’t think!” Isak sighed, almost hugging the pole now.

“Wanna sit down for a second?” Even asked, his hand finally landing on Isak’s shoulder, right where he wanted him, always.

“Yeah. That would be chill.”

.

Isak couldn’t tell how long they had been sitting on the pavement for. But he didn’t really mind. The cold was biting and the ground was nearly frozen. However, at some point Even had decided to take off his scarf and wrap it around Isak’s neck instead, the gesture making him blush although it had happened thousands of times before.

It was so sweet how Even always felt the need to keep him warm. It was so sweet how Even always took layers off of himself to shield and protect Isak ever since they were children. It was so sweet and so strange how Isak couldn’t help but feel like it served as a metaphor for their relationship as well. Except that it was Isak taking off layers off of himself, off of his heart, just to tend to Even’s.

“I don’t want to throw up on your scarf,” Isak mumbled, doing his best to crack his eyes open despite all the spinning. He wanted to see him. He wanted to see his gorgeous face.

“It’s alright,” Even greeted him with a smile and a warm touch despite the gloves against his cheek. “Don’t want you getting sick.”

“Don’t want you getting sick either,” Isak slurred his words but he didn’t regret them. He might have been angry with him, but he could never wish for him to get sick.

“I’ll manage,” Even replied, still smiling.

It was contagious, his stupid smile.

“Stop smiling. I don’t want to smile right now,” Isak blurted out before looking down at the ground to hide his own smile.  

“Oh. Sorry!” Even replied nervously. It was so cute and endearing that Isak snorted.

_I’m a mess._

But it was okay because Even laughed too, and it was Isak’s favorite sound after all.

“God, I hate you so much right now!” Isak sighed, still laughing because he couldn’t even understand himself.

“I hate me, too,” Even replied, chuckling quietly and it sounded like a confession. A sweet and painful confession.

_No._

He already hated himself and the last thing Isak wanted to do was give him more reasons to.

“Sorry for being a childish asshole in Mutta’s apartment,” Isak admitted. “I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

And it hurt a bit to say those words out loud. It hurt a bit to admit that his anger was diffusing because Even’s comfort came first. It hurt a bit to hear himself be so pathetic.

“You’re not an asshole,” Even spoke in his deep deep voice.  _Music to my ears. Music to my ears._ “I’m the piece of shit here. You did nothing wrong.”

There was something so strong and visceral that always soared inside Isak whenever Even put himself down. Isak couldn’t even put it into words, but it triggered some protective instincts within him. It didn’t matter how badly Even hurt him in times like these. Isak’s first instinct was to always protect him and make him feel okay.

So he didn’t think twice before wrapping both arms around Even’s neck and hugging him close, so close, startling a sweet sweet gasp out of Even’s sweet sweet mouth.

“Isak-”

“You’re not a piece of shit,” Isak mumbled against his neck, tightening his hold and hoping Even would reciprocate. “You’re perfect and you’re amazing and you’re great. You’re awesome, Even. You’re perfect. Okay?”

Even laughed against his neck and it was the sweetest feeling, his chest against his own, reverberating with his wholesome laughter, his arms coming up to hug Isak back. So sweet.

“Just how drunk are you?” Even laughed against his ticklish skin. It was so sweet.

“Don’t laugh at me!” Isak groaned, his arms still around Even’s neck, and for a moment he wished he could see his face, too. “I’m serious!”

“You said perfect twice.”

“Fuck you!” Isak shoved him with a pout, finally letting go, the sudden lack of contact leaving him feeling bare.

Even laughed again while Isak frowned and folded both arms over his chest, probably looking like an angry child.

“You’re so adorable,” said Even. “Are you sure you’re nineteen?”

“I’m going to punch you!”

“I don’t think you can aim that well right now.”

Isak attempted to throw a punch but ended up on his back on the pavement instead because he had thrown out his arm too forcefully.

“Shit!” he muttered while Even laughed above him, eyes closed, hand over his stomach. “I did it on purpose. Okay? I just didn’t want to hurt your pretty face. Okay?”

“My pretty face. Huh?” Even leaned over him, eyes still glistening from all the laughter, probably.

And who would have guessed that they would end up like this, laughing on the pavement at an odd hour during the night right after Isak caused a scene at their friend’s place? Who would have guessed that they would end the day like this, laughing comfortably side by side when the world felt as if it was ending just an hour before that?

Isak reached out, still on his back on the floor, and let his cold fingers graze against Even’s left cheek. He watched him wince at first before relaxing under his touch. Just a touch. A caress. Isak loved his beautiful face so much.

“Yeah, your pretty face. Your handsome face,” Isak mumbled, his thumb drawing a circle over Even’s cheekbone as he watched his eyes widen under the street light. “My favorite face.”

Even’s fingers were linked with his and Isak didn’t know why they weren’t together when it felt so right. When their touches were so tender and everything just felt so right.

“It’s weird but it’s like I said the word ‘face’ so much that it lost all meaning now,” Isak slurred his words because he was unable of leaving any thought unspoken now.

“Yeah, I get that feeling sometimes,” Even offered him a sad smile, fingers still linked, still looking down at him. “You think we should go? My butt is freezing.”

“Can we stay a minute?” Isak mumbled again, his eyes nearly closing. “Just a minute.”

A minute turned into more, and Even used that time to pull out a cigarette and blow out the prettiest clouds of smoke above Isak, leaving him a bit speechless as he lay on his back on the floor.

_So pretty._

Everything Even did was so hot and so beautiful at the same time. Even struggling to light a cigarette because of how windy and cold it was was incredibly attractive and mesmerizing.

_I must be going crazy._

“You always smoke when we fight,” Isak blurted out.

“Huh?” Even cocked one of his eyebrows.

“It’s so fucking hot. It’s like you’re trying to distract me from your shittiness with the hotness.”

Even snorted and it was so beautiful and heartwarming that Isak didn’t mind sounding like a pathetic loser at all.

.

Isak couldn’t really stand or move after that and he knew that they should call a cab if they wanted to not freeze to death. But he felt bad because he didn’t want Even spending money on a taxi for him right now, so he did his best to sit up. He did his best to get back on his feet.

“I don’t care about money, Isak,” said Even. “Come on!”

“No!” Isak groaned. “I don’t want a taxi!”

“Want me to call someone with a car?”

“I will walk!”

.

It took them a few tries and several minutes of simply making sure Isak didn’t hit his head and get a concussion, but they made it work on the seventh try. Even was relentless and unwavering when he put his mind into things.

“If you drop me, I will kill you,” Isak warned rather weakly, making Even laugh despite the physical cost that came with carrying a person on one’s back.

“Not the first time I carry you home, Valtersen,” Even chuckled.

“I was like a child back then,” Isak replied while burying his head into the crook of Even’s neck. His hair smelled like fresh dye. It hurt.

“I wouldn’t call sixteen year old you a child, Isak,” Even retorted in the same amused tone, both arms under Isak’s thighs as they dangled around his waist.

“Whatever. I was so skinny and small and stuff.”

“I remember when I could carry you on my back for hours without feeling tired. Yeah.” Even almost hummed as he went down memory lane. “Good times.”

Their memories, their sweet sweet memories.

Isak tightened his arms around Even’s neck and hoped he wasn’t choking him. He also hoped his body would behave and that he wouldn’t get a boner right now, not with his front being pressed to Even’s back on such a cold January night.

“Are you gonna freak out if I get a boner right now?” he blurted out.

Even laughed so hard that he almost dropped him, causing both of them to lose their balance and nearly fall on the pavement.  

“Even, I will kill you!” Isak groaned in the middle of the night, tightening his hold and using the incident as an excuse to latch onto Even even more, burying his face in his neck and just inhaling him, his heart feeling way too full for something that was so undeniably broken.

Perhaps it was all in his head. Isak didn’t typically get carried on people’s backs, his body being too long and awkward to curl around someone else’s, so he didn’t have much to compare this to. But he could feel Even’s fingers digging into his thighs in the cold while carrying him around. He could feel it. It was almost the only thing he could feel.

So he wrapped his arms even tighter around Even’s chest and breathed into the crook of his neck for a little while until he could feel Even’s breaths shorten.

Isak held him desperately, reminding himself of the way Even held onto him when they were riding that bike on New Year’s. He just held onto him because he could, because he was right there carrying him home and bearing his weight on his shoulders at midnight while his heart broke inside his chest. Because Even had dyed his hair gray, but he still carried him home, always.

“Do you know how much you hurt me?” Isak broke down just as they reached their favorite Kebab place for the sadder times, face still buried in Even’s neck because he was ashamed of how much it hurt, of how much he felt. “Do you know?”

“I’m sorry,” Even mumbled after a pregnant pause. But it wasn’t what Isak wanted to hear. He didn’t want an apology. He just wanted Even to know.

“I just want you to know,” he replied. “I don’t want you to feel sorry.”

.

Isak didn’t think he could handle Even’s presence in Edvard’s house so soon when they had just breathed into each other’s mouths the previous night. He didn’t think he could handle the shame the next day if Even were to put him in bed. So he untangled himself when they reached the door and did his best to stand despite all the spinning.

“Want me to take you inside?” Even asked, and Isak didn’t think he trusted his words anymore so he just shook his head repeatedly. “Okay. I’m gonna go. Yeah?”

“Okay.”

“Text me when you’re in bed?” Even asked before probably realizing what it meant.

“Will you answer this time?”

And alright. Perhaps Isak should have stuck to his ‘no talking’ strategy.

“Shit,” Even blurted.

Isak leaned against the door and closed his eyes for a moment. He really needed to stop drinking. He really needed to get his shit together.

“I’m sorry I didn’t answer your texts last night,” Even finally broke the silence.

“Why?” Isak asked.

“Why do I feel sorry?”

“Why didn’t you answer?” Isak clarified, almost regretting his question because he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear the answer.

“You messaged me at 23:59,” Even replied very matter-of-factly, his eyes on the floor right where the patch of ice that had caused Edvard’s fall used to be.

“So?”

“So it was still part of the day,” Even spoke very carefully. “Our day.”

_Shit._

Of course.

It didn’t count because it was part of the day.  _Just for the day._ None of it counted. It was all a game. They were pretending to be boyfriends for the day. ‘  _I love you’_. It was the perfect conclusion to the day. It didn’t count. Of course, Even didn’t have to answer.

Isak didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. He had finally gathered his courage to confess his feelings but it somehow didn’t count because of some game they were playing whose rules he didn’t even fully understand. Of course.

“Isak?” Even spoke his name so softly that he could feel it tear at his heart.

“Second time,” Isak mumbled.

“Hm?”

“It’s the second time you turn my words into a game, into a joke.”

Isak hadn’t thought about the first time in ages. It still left him feeling bitter and humiliated.

Even was about to say something else when Isak decided it was enough  _bullshit_ for the day. Whatever words Even was about to speak, he didn’t want to hear. It was too much.

“Goodnight, Even,” he sighed and it almost sounded like a cry. He was so tired. “I won’t text you tonight. But maybe I will tomorrow. Things are always better tomorrow.”

“Isak-”

“No seriously. It’s fine. Okay? Just go,” Isak smiled or at least he tried. “It’s okay. Goodnight. Okay?”

“I’m sorry,” Even repeated, his eyes welling up with tears and Isak hated it. He hated everything.

“What are you even apologizing for? Just go. Yeah?”

“Okay.”

Even had barely walked away when Isak called after him. He didn’t know what kind of masochistic impulse had taken over him, but he felt like Even needed to hear it.

“I like your hair like this,” said Isak, suddenly thankful for the distance between them because he was about to finally cry. “It suits you.”

And it might have sounded like a lie but it wasn’t. Every color suited Even Bech Næsheim. All colors were perfect on Even Bech Næsheim.

“Thank you,” Even smiled but Isak didn’t miss how his voice cracked. “It was for me this time around.”

“I’m glad you’re doing things for yourself.”

“Me too.”

* * *

**Mutta**

**00:19**

Are you home??

Wtf was that?

What happened yesterday at the wedding?

Mutta

I don’t know what im doing

Is everything okay?

I’m so fucked up over him

Isak :(

It shouldn’t hurt this much right?

Is this a gay thing?

Like do other guys feel like this ever?

Have you ever felt fucked up over someone??

Wth is wrong with me?

Calm down

Nothing’s wrong with you

Wanna talk about it?

What happened?

You’re gonna give me so much shit

This is a judgement free zone

We hooked up yesterday

Im fucking serious it’s killing me

Im sorry

What happened afterwards?

Idk Helga found us and i just

I texted him that i love him

And he just didnt answer

(omfg did you just admit that you love him)

Oh god Isak :(

(OMFG)

I feel so pathetic

(who’s Helga?)

(ABOUT DAMN TIME)

No I’m sure it’s not you

You know how complicated it gets in his head sometimes <3

I’m sure he’s not ignoring you on purpose

He said it didnt count

Because it’s all a game or something

Have you expressed your frustration to him?

Because half the time you’re just like “it’s fine whatever”

Thats not true

You cant just expect him to guess how you feel when you spend half your time frowning and acting like an angry child

Oh piss off

Why do i even talk to you

Also why would you do it via text?

Are you for real?

…

* * *

 

_Because I can’t handle him rejecting me to my face a second time._

 

* * *

 

> _#14 I Love You_
> 
> _Isak was sixteen when he experienced his very first love -- with butterflies and slow-motion sequences and all that jazz -- and his first love’s name was Even Bech Næsheim._
> 
> _People who said they always knew they were gay must have been liars because Isak didn’t always know. Isak had spent the longest time figuring out what the butterflies soaring at the pit of his stomach whenever Even tucked his hair behind his ear or wiped sauce off the corner of his mouth actually meant. He had spent months hating himself and the skin on his bones because kissing girls didn’t feel quite right. He had spent ages trying to understand why every word that came out of Even’s mouth was the funniest and most brilliant and most interesting and most incredible word to ever be spoken._
> 
> _Isak didn’t always know. Isak didn’t chase boys in playgrounds to steal kisses when he was in kindergarten. Isak didn’t always want to climb Even like a tree. Isak didn’t always crave him and his skin and his scent and his heat. Isak didn’t really know how good kissing was supposed to feel until the night Even kissed him for the first time while tripping out of his mind. Isak didn’t always know. So he didn’t kiss him back that night because he was scared, because he didn’t know what it meant. Isak didn’t always know._
> 
> It’s okay not to know.
> 
> _Isak didn’t sleep that night and he had trouble sleeping the following nights too because he wasn’t sure. He wasn’t always sure. And that year, his sixteenth year, was the most daunting and excruciating and rewarding year because he had finally figured out why boys, boys, boys, were the only thing on his mind, because it had taken him almost losing Even for him to understand why he was the only one that mattered, because it had been the year he came out, because it had been the year everything had finally started making sense._
> 
> _So he pined. He pined and he loved and he gazed and he stared and he touched. He drank and he reached for skin, shamelessly too. He stuck his tongue out, and batted his eyelashes, and linked his fingers with Even’s, hoping it would become something more, hoping Even simply didn’t know either and that he was a little gay too, maybe,_ please.
> 
> _Sixteen year old Isak was shy and insecure but he knew what he wanted. Sixteen year old Isak only ever thought about nineteen year old Even and how sweet his skin probably tasted like. Sixteen year old Isak couldn’t care less about his pride or getting hurt or getting rejected._
> 
> _He pined and he pined and he hoped and he hoped._
> 
> _So that night on March 31st, Isak found himself in a gay bar after he witnessed Even and some girl kissing at someone’s party. He had it all figured out, the whole gay thing, now. He was out and proud and everything was great. Except that nothing was._
> 
> _Even still kissed other people. Even still didn’t see him at age sixteen. And he couldn’t even blame him. He was nothing but skin and bones, his body so frail, and so undesirable. He couldn’t blame Even for not wanting him._
> 
> _So Isak drank that night until Even showed up out of nowhere._
> 
> _“What are you doing here?” they both said at the same time._
> 
> _“How did they even let you in?” Even frowned._
> 
> _“I’m cute. I made a cute face for the bouncer,” Isak replied with a smile._
> 
> _“You’re cute, yeah. You’re lucky you drunk-texted me first!”_
> 
> _Even carried him home on his back that night. And it was perfect, absolutely perfect. Isak loved the wind on his face so Even started running like an idiot in the middle of the night to ‘get him more wind’._
> 
> _“Run faster!” Isak laughed, holding on tight, so tight. And they both cackled until sleep and tiredness started taking over._
> 
> _“Home?” Even asked, his hands under Isak’s thighs, pushing him up along his back every few strides and making him grow aroused by the second._
> 
> _“Home.”_
> 
> _That night, Isak couldn’t really sleep. So he sneaked into Even’s bedroom because they lived down the hallway from each other, and he beamed when Even gave him a smile and patted the empty space on the bed next to him._
> 
> _“C’mere,” he whispered and it made Isak melt, so he all but molded into his side in bed._
> 
> _“So soft, so cuddly. You should get drunk and needy more often,” Even joked, both arms wrapped around his back as they both lay down._
> 
> _“I’m so skinny though. I hate it,” Isak lamented. He had never expressed his dislike for his own body to Even before and it almost took him by surprise too._
> 
> _“What?” Even frowned. “You’re not skinny. You’re perfect. What the hell?”_
> 
> _“Really?” Isak blushed because he was still a little bit drunk and because Even complimenting him did things to him._
> 
> _“Of course,” Even smiled, cupping his cheek with his right hand. “You’re perfect.”_
> 
> _Isak was feeling so warm and so soft, and everything was so perfect with Even carrying him home and not ending up in that girl’s bed. Everything was perfect, so he nuzzled deeper into his neck and nearly mewled when Even laughed and held him closer._
> 
> I love you. I love you. I love you.
> 
> _“I love you,” Isak blurted out, digging his nails into his palms and biting his lower lip because he couldn’t believe he was finally saying this._
> 
> _“Uh-”_
> 
> _“I love you,” Isak repeated, closing his eyes now because he was beyond embarrassed. “I’m in love with you. I love you so much, Even.”_
> 
> _The heavy silence felt like the end of the world despite all the alcohol in his blood. And he couldn’t really breathe until Even’s other hand cupped his other cheek after several seconds._ God.
> 
> _All Isak could hear was the beating of his own heart and Even’s short breaths. His eyes were wide and his lips were parted and he was so beautiful, so hot, so perfect. Isak wished Even could see himself. He wished Even knew what he did to him inside._
> 
> Please say something.
> 
> _Even looked at him with hooded eyes, and for a moment a shiver went through Isak’s entire being because the intensity of his gaze was too much._
> 
> Is he going to kiss me?
> 
> _Isak’s heart was about to implode right there inside his chest._
> 
> _One,_
> 
> _Two,_
> 
> _Three seconds._
> 
> _Even’s serious expression turned into a grin as he started pulling at both of Isak’s cheeks at once, squishing his face between his large hands._
> 
> _“What the fuck-” Isak whined while Even burst into laughter._
> 
> _“You! You little shit! You almost got me!” Even sighed, running both hands through his own face then his hair._
> 
> _“What?!” Isak yelped, Even’s previously tender touch now feeling like uncomfortable pinches to his cheeks instead._
> 
> _“Oh my god! You almost gave me a heart attack, Isak!” Even let go of one of his cheeks to bring his hand to his own heart. “Wow! You’re incredible! You have a talent for acting!”_
> 
> _“What the fuck, Even?!”_
> 
> _“You think I don’t know what today is? Huh?”_
> 
> _It was past midnight. It was officially April 1st. April Fools'._
> 
> _Even thought it was a joke. Even thought Isak was trying to prank him._
> 
> _“Not cool, Isak. Not cool!”_
> 
> _Isak didn’t talk to Even for three whole days after that._
> 
> _Isak swore he would never ever tell anyone that he loved them ever again._

.

Isak woke up with a splitting headache and twelve unread messages. Elias and Adam were both asking questions and Mutta was trying to pry more information out of him.

_Great._

He sent a message to the groupchat claiming that he was hungover and that he had no recollection of the previous night. A lie, of course. He knew that no one would buy it, but he didn’t really care.

He threw the covers off himself and dragged his feet to the kitchen, almost sighing in delight when he saw Helga standing there and making breakfast.

“You are an angel! You are an actual goddess!” Isak exclaimed before wrapping both arms around the tiny woman.

He didn’t realize how weird this was and how he had never done this before until it was too late.

“Sorry,” he immediately took a step back, his cheeks flushing. “Forgive me. I-”

She squinted her eyes at him, put whatever utensil she was using down, and wrapped him in a tight hug instead. Isak didn’t know small people were capable of such strong holds. Her hug was probably tighter than Sonja’s and Isak couldn’t help but blush and melt into the comfort of the touch.

“That’s how you hug a person,” she said when she pulled away, leaving him completely dumbfounded.

“Uh.”

“You don’t get hugged often, do you?”

_Touché._

.

He was beyond grateful to see that she wasn’t bringing up the ‘grinding against Even in bed while making out’ incident. She was a keeper, Helga.

“Thanks for breakfast-” he attempted to leave the table.

“Finish your food!” she glared at him, making him sit back down right as Edvard made his way to the kitchen. “Young boys need to eat to grow.”

“Morning, young Isak,” he said and his smile immediately spread warmth inside his chest.

“Morning, Edvard.”

They ate silently and Isak felt oddly at ease sharing breakfast with two adults he wasn’t related to at all. It all felt right somehow, as if the universe was taking care of him somehow.

Helga probably hadn’t shared what she had seen with Edvard because he wasn’t mentioning Even at all. Isak was more than positive that Edvard would make a big deal out it given that he was Even’s biggest fan.

.

“So are you and Even boyfriends now?” Edvard asked while they were watching Skal Vi Danse, nearly making Isak choke on a piece of gum.

“What?!”

Edvard shrugged and laughed, and Isak couldn’t even be mad. Of course Helga had told him. He could hear her snorting all the way from the kitchen.

“Helga said you looked like you were having a nice time.”  

“Oh my god!”

Edvard laughed while Isak buried his face in one of the smaller pillows on the couch. He was mortified. But then again, Even and he had spent an entire afternoon speculating about Edvard and Helga and imagining them taking baths together. So it was only fair that they did the same.

“I just don’t want you having regrets later,” Edvard sighed when it got to commercial break again. “Life is too short. One day you’ll wake up and be 89, and you’ll wonder what the hell went wrong for you to be so alone.”

Isak stopped acting so petulant after that as something kind of just settled inside his chest. Something he couldn’t quite describe. Something sad and scary and exciting at the same time. He was positive that Edvard didn’t mean for his statement to sound so deep, but it did all the same. He couldn’t help but think about how lonely and alone Edvard must have felt all the time.

Isak couldn’t imagine living for eighty-nine years and only having a teenager along with his weird best friend and a small lady who liked to give hugs and loud smacks on the back to keep him company. He wondered about Edvard’s family. He wondered about his theory on Edvard being Even from the future.

He didn’t like this theory anymore because why would eighty-nine year old Even go back in time? What was eighty-seven year old Isak doing right now?

.

Eva was a ray of sunshine and Isak understood why Jonas and possibly Vilde were so enamored with her. She was just wonderful and didn’t seem to have gone through a lot at first glance, yet Isak could tell she had her fair share of scars and self-esteem issues under the surface.

He liked how she indulged and insisted on having a good time and on throwing the best parties. He liked how she poured her heart into everything. But most of all, he liked how much she hated Even’s new hair color.

“I liked blue better,” she shrugged while munching on some fries, completely disregarding the rest of the girls who were swooning over Even’s gray hair.

“I think it looks cool like this,” said Noora. “I’m thinking of getting the same hair color.”

“Me too,” said Vilde. “It’s just so trendy and it’s not as high maintenance as blue. Blue can look so ugly and cheap sometimes.”

“What?” Isak frowned. “That’s not true! It doesn’t look cheap!”

His official excuse for hanging out with the girls was that he was in the same class as Sana in most afternoons, but he secretly enjoyed tagging along -- or maybe not so secretly. Chris Berg had figured him out pretty quickly, occasionally texting him to join the group when she suspected he was feeling lonely.

Isak liked the girls because they had no idea how much he had embarrassed himself with Mutta and the rest of the guys. It also helped that they were always up for going to McDonalds.

The only downside was that they often ended up talking about Even and his hair.

_Whatever._

.

Things were okay between them again, Isak and Even, Even and Isak -- kind of. Things were okay because Isak never brought up his feelings again and went along with Even’s explanation.

The now silver haired ray of sunshine invited him for a movie about a week after the whole  _“do you know how much you hurt me”_ episode, and it wasn’t half as bad.

They watched ‘I Love You, Man’ on Even’s bedroom floor -- Isak wondering if they would ever feel comfortable sharing a bed platonically ever again -- and he had trouble believing it was a random choice, frowning at the screen for about fifteen minutes before finally letting out a laugh.

The movie wasn’t even that funny and it was dumb for the most part, but it still made him cackle. Even the blatant homophobic bits made him snort. Perhaps he just really wanted to laugh. It was a pretty okay man-date and Isak smiled and promised they would do it again when he got to the door.

“Promise?” Even asked with hesitant pale blue eyes.

“Yeah,” Isak smiled, feeling surprisingly soft and at peace with himself for the first time in a while. “Promise.”

He was about to turn around and leave when he realized that he didn’t want to part just yet, that he wanted to spend a bit more time with him.  _Him._ always.

“Wanna take a walk or something?” Isak suggested with a blush creeping its way to his cheeks when he noticed the light in Even’s eyes.

“Yeah! Let me get my stuff,” Even scrambled back inside, leaving Isak chuckling to himself at the door.

They walked in the cold, silently for the most part. Isak kept bringing his hands to his mouth, clasping them together before blowing hot air into them to heat them up a bit. He couldn’t for the life of him remember to wear gloves. He didn’t even know if he owned an actual pair, consistently losing a glove every time he did so much as step a foot outside.

They had been walking for barely a few minutes when Isak noticed Even stealing glances, minutiously overseeing Isak’s process for heating up his own hands from the corner of his eyes.

And Isak knew it wasn’t fair. He knew it wasn’t a very good idea and that he could simply shove both hands in the pockets of his jacket. But something within him wanted to check. He was a science man after all, and when he had a theory, everything in his body ached to put it to test.

So he awkwardly let his cold naked hand dangle between the two of them and waited for Even to perhaps remove his glove.

One,

Two,

Three

Isak was about to shove his hand in his pocket when Even beat him to it, grasping his cold fingers in his covered ones and guiding both their hands to his own pocket.

Isak shot him a look but couldn’t help the blush on his cheeks. He couldn’t really help it when Even was so sweet.

“You’re right. Let me remove the glove,” Even offered, leaving Isak’s hand in his pocket while he removed his glove to hand it to him.

“Huh?”

“You have sensitive hands. We can share gloves,” said Even. “I’ll give you my right hand glove and I’ll keep the left one.”

Isak did as he was told, feeling a little bit too lightheaded to protest. Then when Even clasped their bare hands together and shoved them in his pocket again, Isak kind of melted a little bit inside.

_Why are you so sweet to me._

They walked aimlessly for a little while. And while the hand-holding had started out rather awkwardly, it quickly became comfortable, Isak barely blinking when Even laced their fingers together in his pocket.

Soon, conversation came easy to them, too.

“That was a shitty ass movie,” Isak sighed.

“You’re right,” Even laughed.

“Why would you make me watch that?”

“I don’t know. Figured Paul Rudd is hot,” Even winked.

“You have the poorest taste in men, honestly,” Isak sighed dramatically, bringing his gloved hand to his forehead.

“What?” Even scoffed beside him. “Excuse me.”

“For real. No wonder you ended up in Bergen with some ugly guy,” Isak laughed then immediately bit his tongue because  _what the fuck, Isak._ “Ugh. Sorry. That was weird.”

Even pouted absently. Isak noticed how he pouted sometimes when he was thinking without realizing it, when things got a bit too tangled in his head.

“Nah. Don’t worry about it,” Even eventually spoke. “It was kind of messy but whatever. It happened.”

Isak wasn’t sure if they should talk about it, but he figured right now was a good segway.

“Wanna talk about it?”

.

They went to their favorite Kebab place because they were actually freezing while their palms nearly melted into one another.

Isak sat on his favorite high stool and Even sat opposite of him, both legs around Isak’s knees. Standard. It was the way they sat. It probably should have felt weirded than it did, but it didn’t. And Isak actually found himself moving closer to Even, both of their faces mere breaths away from one another now.

“It was totally consensual and stuff,” Even started, his eyes on his hands which lay awkwardly on his lap. “Like Herman is a really cool guy and he was nothing but nice to me this whole time, you know.”

“Mhm,” Isak nodded, encouraging him to say more, his hand aching to cover Even’s, actually  _aching._

“So like I don’t know. One thing led to another and I thought I was ready or whatever,” Even shrugged. “I never did that. You know that. I never, you know.”

_You never bottomed for someone. I know._

“Yeah I know,” Isak said, sparing him having to actually say it.

“So yeah. We kind of did it. And it didn’t last too long, really. But it wasn’t very pleasant, you know? Like. I think he got carried away a bit. And I know all about getting carried away,” Even paused, chuckling but it was bitter and sad and nervous. And Isak wanted to hug him.

He settled for reaching out and holding his hand like he so desperately craved to.

“Even-” Isak started then paused because his heart hurt at the thought of Herman hurting him. Because he had thought about it and he had assumed it was what had happened, but he didn’t think Even saying would tear him apart like this.

“Hey,” Even laughed again. “It’s fine. Why are you looking at me like that? It’s totally fine. It wasn’t that bad. I just wish we had taken our time, you know. Like prep and stuff. I don’t know. It’s totally chill. Whatever.”

Even. Even who had spent so much time trying to make sure Isak felt comfortable and relaxed and at ease feeling a bit violated. Isak couldn’t handle it.

He couldn’t really help it, both hands flying to Even’s face to cup his cheeks with glistening eyes and a heavy heavy heart. Isak couldn’t handle it.

“You’re such a drama queen,” Even rolled his eyes while Isak held his face. But he wasn’t fooling anyone with that pain Isak could see so very clearly at the corner of his eyes.

“I don’t care,” Isak shrugged, running both thumbs over Even’s cheekbones. “I’m a drama queen. But I hate it when you’re hurting.”

They both sat there like idiots in their favorite Kebab place without ever ordering, Isak running his thumbs over Even’s cheeks while he held onto his thighs, foreheads pressed together, eyes closed, breathing deep and breathing slow.

They ended up hugging for a little while because Even looked like he needed a hug. And perhaps Isak needed one, too. The whole Herman episode had left him with the most bitter aftertaste in his mouth. He didn’t even know him but he was positive that he would lunge at him if he ever crossed his way.

“You’re so good to me,” Even whispered into his neck and it made his entire being shiver.

“You’re so good to  _me,”_ Isak replied before allowing himself to press a stupid chaste kiss to Even’s cheek.

_We’re good to each other._

_Sometimes._

.

Time did wonders, because after a few weeks, even Adam seemed to have forgotten his embarrassing moment in Mutta’s apartment. Nobody mentioned the hickeys, nobody mentioned the feelings and the tension, and nobody asked about Even’s hair color. Even Sonja ended up joining the group for most outings and for lunch meetings.

Jonas did raise an eyebrow when he noticed the love bites on both Isak and Even. And after denying it for a few days, Isak ended up admitting that they ‘got carried away and hooked up one night.’ He also immediately corrected his statement to clarify that they did not have sex, that it was just making out while drunk after a wedding. But then he realized that Jonas wouldn’t have judged him if they had in fact had sex.

Jonas was very easy going and non judgemental, and Isak quickly figured that it would take a lot to drive this boy away. He even apologized for hurting Sigve’s feelings and Jonas shrugged while saying that they were both adults. It was true. Isak forgot he wasn’t a child anymore sometimes. It was so easy to forget when everyone around him took such good care of him.

The only person who was still acting strange was Mikael. But he had never not acted strange, so Isak didn’t dwell on it. He wasn’t his biggest fan after all.

Isak knew that most of his friends thought he simply disliked Mikael because he was jealous of everyone babying him when he was Even and Mutta’s age. And sometimes, Isak really found himself wishing it was the real reason. He wished he could attribute his resentment to him being childish. He wished he didn’t have an actual scar with Mikael’s name on it. Isak wished for a lot of things.

And the worst thing was that Mikael didn’t seem to know why Isak disliked him either. He had even asked him a few times at parties after smoking a few joints. Mikael didn’t drink for religious reasons, but he occasionally smoked. Isak didn’t understand how it worked but he wasn’t very knowledgeable on Islam so he dropped it.

_“Do you know how much you’ve hurt me?”_ Isak had wanted to say to Mikael countless times but he could never bring himself to show him just how much he had, so he kept it to himself.

_Whatever._

Still, Isak couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling he got whenever Mikael sat two seats away from him. It was almost as if he was watching him, studying him. And Isak hated it. He absolutely hated how he stared at him with a consoling look on his face.

_What the hell do you want from me?_

* * *

**Even**

**13:19**

Psst

Hola

Okay are you in public?

Uhh library why?

Go somewhere public so that you don’t die from laughter when you hear this

Uhh?

So you know how i started that side job editing pictures for that studio

Yea

I’m looking at their database of clients

Ok

And?

And one of their clients

His name

?

His name is

?? spill it you little shit

Im freezing

Did you actually go outside?

yeah im a fucking idiot

You’re so adorable!

SPILL IT

His name is Harry Rim

?

Ok and?

Don’t you get it?

Harry

Rim

HARRY RIM

Say it out loud and you’ll get it

OMG

YOU’RE SUCH A FUCKING CHILD

AHAHAHAHHA

Ohmy god

I cant ive been laughing for the past 5 minutes

Are you serious?

Is that his actual name

Yes im dying

Wow i really want to meet him

I think I know where you can find him

For real?

Yeah i’m sure it’s easy to find a Harry Rim

Ughhhhh why are you so gross

HAHAHAHA

* * *

.

“Why do you hate the cute one?” Chris Berg asked him one night in Eva’s house while everyone danced and embarrassed themselves around them.

Isak had to take a few moments to process her words.

“The cute one?” he furrowed his brows. “Huh?”

“Yeah. Mikael,” Chris grinned. “You have some sexual tension going on. What’s up with that?”

“What the fuck?” Isak nearly barked. “Are you crazy? Are you drunk?”

“I’m just saying,” she shrugged. “It’s hot. That’s all.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about!”

.

“Let’s play Seven Minutes in Heaven!” Vilde suggested as a random group ended up on the floor in one of the rooms. Isak wondered if it was Eva’s. He wasn’t sure.

“What the hell is Seven minutes in Heaven?” Elias groaned. He seemed completely drunk already.  _Not me this time._

“It’s this American game where two people are stuck in a closet for seven minutes and do whatever they want,” said Vilde. “I saw it on that show, Riverdale.”

“Vilde?!” Noora rolled her eyes. “That show is so stupid.”

“I love that show!” said Eva.

“Whatever, let’s do it,” said Isak, secretly -- not so secretly -- hoping the bottle would spin and pick Even and him.

“For real?” Chris inquired with a surprised look on her face.

“Why do you look surprised? I can be fun.”

_One,_

_Two,_

_Three._

“Isak and Mikael!” Chris declared.

_Ugh!_

“You did it on purpose!” Isak frowned. She did it on purpose. Of course she did.

Isak wanted to throw a tantrum, but he figured that he had brought this upon himself and that he could just play a game on his phone or take a nap while Mikael stared at him like he had just shot him in the leg again. At least he wasn’t stuck in a closet with that Joakim guy who had picked Even over him back in September. He had spotted him at the party, too.

_Focus on positive things._

But then his eyes locked with Even’s before they locked the closet and Isak was back to being confused.

_Is he... jealous?_

.

“Awkward,” Mikael smiled as they settled on the floor in the dark.

“Yeah, I wasn’t gonna stand for seven minutes,” Isak shrugged then pulled out his phone to browse for some stupid game to waste time on.

“I don’t think you’re supposed to use your phone,” said Mikael, prompting Isak to finally spare him a glance.

“What?”

“The rules of the game. You should focus on the person in the closet with you,” Mikael replied nervously.

“You want me to focus on you?” Isak grimaced then watched Mikael’s face fall a bit.

“Right. That was dumb.”

“Who cares about the rules of the game anyways?” Isak finally looked away, satisfied with his work. “You know the sole purpose of this is to get people to hook up in the dark cause America is weird like that, right?”

“Uh, okay,” Mikael replied, sucking his lower lip into his mouth, a nervous tic Isak had picked up himself.

“And why are you so nervous? Chill!” Isak added before shoving his phone in his pocket. “I won’t touch your dick if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Isak!” Mikael groaned. And okay, perhaps that was a bit out of line.

“I can control myself, Mika. Don’t panic. I may be gay but I won’t throw myself at you in the dark. You can breathe,” Isak rolled his eyes.

“I never said that. What the hell-”

“Relax. I’m just giving you shit,” Isak laughed. He didn’t think he had actually talked to Mikael alone in ages.

Mikael ended up laughing too, folding both his knees in front of his chest and holding onto them.

“You called me Mika,” he chuckled, looking way too young for his age. Isak kind of understood why everyone was always babying him all the time. He kind of looked like a baby sometimes.

“Yeah, I guess,” Isak shrugged. “Used to call you that before.”

_Before. Before you ruined everything._

“Yeah,” Mikael breathed beside him. “I don’t think we’ve ever hung out like just the two of us before.”

“Okay, don’t get too excited. We’re not hanging out,” said Isak. “We’re stuck in a closet because of Vilde Hellerud Lien.”

“Right, my point exactly.”

“Huh?”

If Mikael didn’t have his full attention before, he kind of had it now.

“I know you hate me, Isak,” Mikael added. “I know that. And I’m trying to change that but I don’t really know how.”

“I don’t hate you,” Isak sighed, putting his phone down now.

“Yes, you do,” said Mikael. “You’ve told me multiple times actually.”

Isak sighed again, his memory flashing to the thirty or so times he had actually shoved Mikael and told him how much he hated him.

“I was drunk most times. Doesn’t count,” Isak offered, feeling a little bit guilty.

“I heard that that’s when things count the most,” Mikael smiled.

“How would you know if you’ve never been drunk?”

“Right.”

Isak found himself relaxing in the dark closet. Mikael was the last person he had ever wanted to be stuck anywhere with, but it wasn’t half as bad. Perhaps he could stop being so insufferable to him after all. People changed sometimes after all.

“Is it because of Even?”

“Huh?” Isak frowned, his head immediately snapping at the mention of Even’s name.

“Is it because I asked him to kiss me? Is that why you hate me?”

Isak’s brain short-circuited a bit after that.

_Huh?_

He did recall the night his heart broke when he saw Even and Mikael kissing in his room. He recalled it quite vividly, too. He did recall how much it hurt and how betrayed and confused he felt.

He was sixteen and he had just confessed his feelings to Even on April’s Fool. It hurt too much. He remembered the heartbreak with so much clarity that if he closed his eyes he could feel it break all over again.

But he didn’t know Mikael had asked to be kissed. He thought Even had initiated it. Besides, why would Mikael ask to be kissed by a boy? Mikael who had stopped inviting him over after he came out, Mikael who said his parents didn’t want him hanging out with Isak anymore because he was ‘gay now’. Mikael who used to be so nice to him and who used to show up to his rehearsals and who just stopped being his friend for months -- _months! --_ because Isak was  _gay._

It had taken Isak so much courage to come to terms with his sexuality and his identity, and it had taken him even more to come out to his friends and family. He knew some of his friends were muslim, but he honestly didn’t think they would mind. They had been friends for so long after all. But Mikael.  _Fucking Mikael._ Mikael had made him feel like utter  _shit,_ like something was wrong with him, like he needed to hide who he was, like he was disgusting and unworthy.  _Fucking Mikael._

“I hate you because of how fucking horrible you were to me!” Isak just kind of burst right there in the closet.  _How funny._

“Wha-”

“You treated me like dirt when I came out. Do you remember that?”

“I-”

“Do you know how much it hurt? Do you have any idea?” Isak continued his angry impromptu rant. “I was so scared. I was literally terrified and you just shut me out, making my nightmare actually a reality. It took you months to start hanging out with us again. I resented you so much! And it wasn’t because of Even. Even has kissed the entire damn town by now. Do you see me resenting the entire town?”

Isak kind of stopped yelling when he realized that Mikael looked completely hurt and taken aback by his words. He hadn’t even realize that he still held all of this in. It almost felt like an out of body experience.

“I never meant to hurt you. I’m so sorry,” Mikael stammered with wide eyes.

“Forget it, Mikael!” Isak scoffed. “Even? Really? You really thought that’s why I can’t look at you sometimes? You think I’m just a jealous little shit, really?”

Mikael dropped his gaze and just stared at the ground for a little while with Isak’s chest heaving beside him. He couldn’t believe this was happening. He was about to force the door to the closet open and run back home.

_The closet. How funny._

“You don’t understand how hard it was for me. You have no idea,” Mikael suddenly broke the silence, his words a bit too heavy. Isak had never felt like punching another person more in his life,

_What?_

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

“You don’t get it. My dad would probably kick me out,” Mikael let out a bitter laugh but his hands were shaking. “I would probably get disowned. We’re not like you. You can just move out of your home and not talk to your parents, but I can’t do that. We’re not like you, you know. For us, for me, family forever whether I like it or not. Whatever I do reflects on my entire family my whole life. It’s like it’s not my life. It’s my life and my entire family tree’s life. There’s no way you can understand, Isak.”

Isak couldn’t believe he had to sit and listen to Mikael’s nonsense. He was fuming. He couldn’t believe it.

“Are you seriously blaming your religion and your family for being a raging homophobe to me right now?” Isak blinked. “Are you for real? Are you-”

“Isak, are you fucking stupid?!” Mikael screamed in his face, rendering him completely speechless.  

“Wha-”

“Do you have hearing problems?! Do you need me to draw this for you?! Do you only see yourself and your pain and your struggles? Are you blind?!”

“What the fuck?” Isak recoiled into his corner of the closet at Mikael’s bitter and cruel tone. He had never heard him speak like this, ever. He had never seen this side of Mikael. He didn’t understand what was happening and he hadn’t even had any alcohol.

“I just told you I asked Even to kiss me and you didn’t even blink! What kind of homophobe asks a guy to kiss him?!” Mikael’s hand curled around Isak’s, and for a moment he forgot how to breathe because his brain could not even begin to compute any of his words. Mikael had never spoken to him in such a cruel tone before and he even had tears in his eyes,  _tears!_

“Mikael-”

“I just wanted to know, you know. I just wanted to know for sure.”

_Oh my god._

Isak’s heart kind of dropped after that. He finally understood. He was finally seeing. He was finally hearing.

Mikael wanted to know if he liked guys.

“You wanted to know if you liked guys,” Isak said his thought out loud.

_Mikael is gay? What?_

“No,” Mikael laughed bitterly, his hand still clasped in Isak’s, his touch too soft for the harshness of his words.

“No?”

“I wanted to know if what I felt was just because of you or if it was every guy out there.”

_What._

“What-”

Isak’s mind blanked out after that.

So when Mikael cupped his face and planted a chaste kiss on his mouth, he didn’t have any time to push him away or do anything at all. He just remained frozen to the spot because nothing made sense anymore.

_‘Your gaydar is broken.’_

_‘It’s like you can never tell when someone’s into you.’_

_‘Give Mikael a break. He’s not that bad.’_

Suddenly, every single thing that had made his blood fill with jealousy made sense. Even’s protectiveness, Elias’ concern, everyone babying Mikael all the time. It all made sense.

“I’m so sorry!” Mikael yelped in horror, putting as much space as possible between Isak and himself when he broke the short lived kiss. “I’m so so sorry. Oh my god.”

“I-. It’s, uh, it’s ok-”

“I must be going crazy! I’m so sorry, Isak!” Mikael continued his panicked stream of words, looking completely panicked and out of breath. “Please, please don’t tell anyone!”

“Mikael, it’s fine!” Isak found himself shouting right back, a hand on Mikael’s shoulder. “It’s okay. Just breathe, okay? It’s fine.”

Isak stayed with him until his breathing evened out and just as he wanted to add something inspiring like ‘it gets better’ or some other generic  _bullshit_ advice, Chris Berg opened the door of the closet, prompting Mikael to immediately run for the exit to Eva’s house.  

.

Isak washed his face about ten times in the bathroom, the taste of Mikael’s lips still bitter on his mouth. He couldn’t believe this had happened. He couldn’t believe this happened the one night he decided to stay away from alcohol.

Someone started knocking on his eleventh wash, and while his first reaction was to get annoyed, he quickly realized it was Even. He would recognize Even’s knock anywhere.

“Can I come in?” he asked when Isak cracked the door.

“Sure.”

.

“He kissed me,” Isak blurted out because he didn’t think he could hold it in. And he knew he had promised not to say anything, but this was Even and Even knew how to keep secrets. “I don’t understand shit right now.”

Even just sat there on the edge of the bathtub while Isak leaned against the sink, completely disheveled and confused and feeling guilty and terrible.

“I’m surprised it didn’t happen earlier to be honest,” Even said very nonchalantly.

“Huh?”

“Mikael. Telling you about his feelings.”

“What in the world?” Isak gaped at Even.

“That was my reaction too at first, you know. I always thought that in another life he and I could have been a thing. If like you weren’t around. I don’t know. But that’s besides the point.”

“What the hell are you talking about Even? Am I dreaming? What even is going on?”

Even sighed then extended one of his arms towards Isak as if offering him to take his hand.

“Remember when I told you you’re shit at telling whether a person is into you?” he said, hand still extended, still trying to grasp into something.

“Mikael was NOT into me! Do I have to remind how horrible he was to me when I came out?”

“He was scared. He didn’t know you were into guys until you came out. It was just a one-sided little crush thing for him, but when you came out it started becoming real and he freaked out,” said Even. “His brothers were already making fun of him for not being ‘manly’ enough or whatever so he thought they would see right through him if he kept hanging out with you.”

“It doesn’t make it any less shitty, Even!” Isak bit through his teeth.

“I know. And I don’t condone that. It would hurt anyone. I don’t know what I would have done if he had done that to me to be honest. But I didn’t know until he told me later. He even asked me to kiss him just so that he could know for sure.”

Isak brought both palms to his eyes and he groaned. Sonja had feelings for Even and Mikael had feelings for him.  _What in the world._

“He did some shitty things but it doesn’t make him a shitty person,” said Even. “He’s learning.”

Isak’s head hurt from all the revelations. Not only had Mikael harbored a crush on him for all these years, but Even was also aware of it.  _All this time._ Even was keeping something this big from him.  _Him._ His best friend. Even was so careful with Mikael’s feelings when he did nothing but ignore Isak’s. Even was taking care of Mikael and making sure he didn’t get too hurt while Isak pined after him for all these years.  _Wow._

No wonder Even didn’t want him. He wouldn’t want Mikael to get hurt.

“I can’t believe I’m jealous of a closeted guy,” Isak sighed into his hands. He really couldn’t believe it.

“What?”

“Forget it, Even.”

Isak left the bathroom before Even got to respond and kept walking until he got home, until he reached his bed and buried his head under his pillow until darkness took over.

* * *

**Even**

**00:23**

Meet me tomorrow?

Can we talk?

I hate it when you leave upset

I keep thinking about what you said

And i hope you don’t think i chose mikael over you

I was just being a friend and honoring his request

I’m sure you would have done the same thing.

**10:38**

Meet me at the KB by the record store i take you to?

Please?

Don’t ignore me :(

* * *

Isak didn’t know what Even had to say but he didn’t want to have a repeat of their playground ‘talk’. He didn’t want Even to turn his feelings into a joke, or a game, or some other twisted explanation he had come up with today.

And while he really didn’t want to ignore him. He figured he would leave his chat alone for a few hours to breathe.

* * *

**Even**

**11:29**

I’ll be at KB by the record store until late this afternoon.

I’ll wait by the table outside

In the cold

So you better show up before i catch a cold

**11:43**

I didn’t mean to sound like i was emotionally blackmailing you

I take that back

Im wearing several layers i’ll be fine. i’m here already

Just come

When you feel like it :)

* * *

 

**Mikael yikes**

15:38

_Hello Isak_

_I’m very sorry about last night_

_I hope you forgive me. I was very out of line and I will never do that again._

_I’m very sorry about hurting your feelings all this time. I didn’t know how badly I was hurting you. I figured you never cared about me or about our friendship. I didn’t think you would notice. I didn’t think you noticed me at all._

_It’s very hard for me to come to terms with who I am. I’m still not 100% sure what I am or what I like. I don’t know if I’m gay. I’ve only kissed two guys in my lifetime (you included) and I’ve only kissed one girl. I don’t have it figured out, but until I do I would really like it if you could help me out by not telling anyone. Even knows. And I think Elias knows that I like you but I never told him. I guess he just sees the way I look at you sometimes. I don’t know._

_I don’t know why I’m telling you this but I noticed how you look at Even lately. And I feel like some if it is my fault. I know that Even and you slept together a few years ago. He told me. He was very devastated and drunk when he told me. He thinks he ruined you. He thinks he’s toxic for you and that all he does is hurt you. But I don’t think it’s true. He thinks he forced you or coerced you or something. But I know it’s not true. I know he would never do that. He also thinks he ruined his friendship with me by going after you. ‘Bro code’ or something. Lol. this fucking guy. But it’s not true either. I don’t know why I’m telling you this but I feel like maybe you can forgive me for yesterday. I honestly don’t know._

_I hope you talk to me again one day._

* * *

Isak was having coffee with Sigve in a KB a few blocks away from the one where Even had begged him to come meet him when he received Mikael’s messages.

And when Sigve asked him what was wrong he replied with  _nothing,_ because nothing was wrong, because he didn’t know what he had done to deserve Mikael’s affections and Sigve’s and whoever else’s when all he wanted was some of Even’s love.

He wondered why he couldn’t return Sigve’s feelings. He wondered why he couldn’t have a simple love. A love that didn’t hurt. A love that felt like a breeze, easy, and light, and ticklish. A love that made him a better person without wearing his heart out. A love that made him shine like the sun instead of hide behind the clouds, and wish to fall in love with gray skies. Isak wondered.

“What’s wrong?” Sigve asked again until Isak cracked and opened up to him, sipping on his hot black coffee while the younger boy finished his sugary cold drink. “Eskild will be here soon, so you better spill it before he pries it out of you.”

Isak opened up to him -- as cruel as it was -- because they were friends now, and because he honestly believed that Eskild would see right through him when he joined them in a few.

And he immediately regretted his decision after watching Sigve’s jaw clench.

_I’m a dick._

“Think you can introduce me to this Mikael guy?” he joked and Isak actually chuckled at that.

“He’s an asshole. You wouldn’t like him,” Isak smiled. “Besides you already met him. He’s like the ugly one in the group.”

Sigve laughed, his legs dangling from the high stool he was perched into, not reaching the floor, and Isak allowed himself to stare. He looked as adorable as ever in his buttoned up shirt.

“I’m sure that’s bullshit, but okay,” said Sigve.

“He’s insufferable honestly.”

“Is he the one with the bouncy hair? You know I have a think for nice hair,” Sigve pouted, making Isak roll his eyes at him.

“Replacing me so soon?”

“You’re not giving me much of a choice. Are you?” Sigve stuck his tongue out. “Besides, a closeted hot older guy? It’s like a wet dream.”

“Shut up,” Isak shoved him a bit.

“He’s a gift waiting to be unwrapped.”

“Sigve, please!” Isak mimicked gagging sounds.

“Are you pretending to vomit or is that some gag reflex joke?”

“Oh my god. Who are you?” Isak laughed until he couldn’t really breathe.

Sigve was easy going like that and Isak found himself wishing he could be more like him. Easy going. Not so caught up in his feelings all the time. Not too blind to everyone’s struggles all the time.

“Anyways, something must be wrong with him if he has a crush on me,” Isak added absently before realizing what he had just said.

But then he figured Sigve wouldn’t mind, because he was easy going and sweet and he didn’t care too much and because-

“That’s a bit shitty,” said Sigve in a deeper voice than usual.

“Hm?”

“What you just said. It’s not very nice,” he added.

“Yeah well, he’s not here to hear it,” Isak shrugged, bringing his coffee back to his lips.

“I’m here,” said Sigve.

“Hm?”

“I’m here. I’m listening.”

Isak put his coffee down and blinked at him a few times. He wasn’t sure he was following.

“You’re discarding how I feel by saying that,” said Sigve.

“When did I-”

“I have feelings for you and nothing’s wrong with me,” said Sigve, leaving him a bit tongue-tied.

Easy going Sigve had some fire in him after all. Isak felt like the worst person in the world.

“I’ll sit and listen to you talk about your boy problems because I’m your friend. But you don’t get to discard my feelings,” he continued. “My feelings are real and I deserve for you to acknowledge them.”

Isak was virtually lost because this definitely wasn’t on his list of things to do when he woke up in the morning and finally accepted to see Sigve.

“I’m sorry,” he blurted out because he wasn’t sure how to respond. “Of course you deserve everything.”

Sigve snorted after that and they just went back to sipping on their drinks.

“It still baffles me how you don’t see how good you are,” said Sigve. “It’s like there’s this light inside you and everyone sees it but you.”  

“What are you talking about?”

“Mikael is not crazy for liking you and I’m not either. You’re really cute and amazing and I’m sure we can get more people to attest to that,” said Sigve. “I don’t know who hurt you and who convinced you that you’re not worthy of being liked and loved, but they’re wrong. You know? You totally deserve all this boy drama.”

Isak stared at Sigve with a little lump in his throat.  _‘I don’t know who hurt you.’ I think you do._

“Stop,” Isak tried to roll his eyes but failed. This wasn’t working.

“Is it Even?”

“Huh?

“Are you so in love with Even that you think you’re worthless because he won’t love you back? Is he  ** _it_** for you?”

“What? No!” Isak scoffed, laughing nervously while his heart threatened to burst because a high schooler was calling him out in broad daylight. “Who in their right mind would choose to put themselves through something like that?”

And he only realized it after the words had left his mouth, but Isak had all but confessed to Sigve that he was in fact hopelessly in love with Even.  _Amazing._

“Baby, who ever said anything about choice?” Sigve sighed with sad sad eyes.

“What?”

“We don’t choose who we love. It’s what this whole crap is about. You don’t pick who to love.”

“It’s bullshit,” Isak scoffed. “Everyone keeps romanticizing this weird kind of obsessive love. If it’s a lost cause, one should be able to move on through will power or whatever.”

“You’re silly,” Sigve chuckled. “Will power? Is that what I’m lacking? Is that what you’re lacking? Is that what all those people singing those hopeless love songs all over the radio are lacking? Is that what all those writers with their books and movies on hopeless are lacking? Will power? They’re choosing to put themselves through this pain when they could simply move on?”

Isak stared at Sigve because his beautiful green eyes had welled up with tears and it was all his fault.

“Who would choose this kind of love, Isak? Just who? If we could choose or if we could opt out of it, why would anyone pick this kind of love? Hopeless love. Loving someone you can never have. Someone you can fuck and kiss and hold, but who could never possibly be yours. Who would pick a love so painful, so humiliating, so soul-crushing? A love that makes you feel everything but that makes you feel worthless all the same. Who would pick such a love, Isak?”

_Who would pick such a love?_

“I don’t know,” Isak replied with tears in his eyes, too.  _Who would pick such a love?_ “I honestly don’t know. I’m sorry.”

“I love you. And I know I’ve only known you for a few months but I love you. I really do. I love you as a man obviously, but also as a person because you made me feel precious even if it was for just a little while,” Sigve paused to grab his hand and squeeze. “I love you, and if you changed your mind right now, I would probably go home with you and let you use me, even if I know for a fact that you will drop me tomorrow for the person  _you_ love. And I know it’s awful and it’s horrible, but it’s all I can do. I’ll soak up as much as you’re willing to give me cause I know that one day you’ll wake up and realize that you’re being stupid and that you should go after the one you want. I’m sorry if I’m yelling at you right now, but you don’t get to say bullshit like ‘who in their right mind would pick such a love’. We don’t choose anything. We don’t pick who our heart beats for. Nobody does. And that’s why to me, it’s a miracle when two people feel just as intensely and deeply for one another. It’s a miracle to me because I’m sure that there's like a 0.000001 percent chance that the person you love loves you back. And as much as I want you to choose me, it kind of infuriates me to see you wasting time not pursuing your miracle.”

_My miracle at KB by the record store._

.

“Hello baby gays. How are we doing today?” Eskild greeted both of them with his high pitched voice, warm hugs, and actual sweets.

Sigve wiped his eyes in one swift movement while Isak struggled to pull himself together.

“What did I miss? Why is Isabell crying?” said Eskild.

“My name is Isak!” he groaned.

“Okay. What’s going on here? Did you two break up again?”

And gosh, Isak wanted to just run home and sleep for the rest of the day. But part of him wanted to run to KB by the record store and vomit his feelings because they deserved to be acknowledged, or  _whatever._ Because he didn’t choose this love but he had to pursue the possibility of it being a miracle. Because even if -- according to Sigve’s elaborate and sophisticated calculations -- there was only a 0.000001 percent chance that what he had was a miracle, it was still better than zero.

_What if he rejects me again? I won’t fucking survive it. I can’t do this._

Isak decided to stay. As much as he wanted to verify Sigve’s calculations, he couldn’t afford another blow. He couldn’t afford another disappointment.

“Are you leaving or are you staying, baby curls?” said Eskild as he took off his coat and his hat. “I was actually in a different KB waiting for you two just now cause I picked the wrong one in the GPS so now I’m starving!”

“I thought  _I_ was baby curls?” Sigve asked and it made Isak laugh despite their heart to heart and all the feelings.

“Sorry! My bad,” Eskild sighed. “Of course you’re the one and only baby curls, Sigve. I’m still shaken up from that accident at the other KB.”

“What accident?” Sigve asked.

“I don’t really know,” Eskild pouted. “Some car swerved out of control because of all the snow and hit someone near the KB by that old record store. There was a crowd and stuff but everyone kept talking about some guy with gray hair and-”

.

Isak ran out without his jacket, and without his wallet, and without his heart. He just ran outside like a complete lunatic with his heart about to leap out of his chest and Sigve running behind him in the distance.

He was shouting things but Isak couldn’t hear him, the only sound resonating in his ears being his heartbeat and a loop of _‘no, please, no, no, please, please, no, no, no, please, no, please, please, please, no, no!'_

He kept slipping because he wasn’t wearing his snowshoes. He kept blanking out because his brain was spiraling out of control, his feet leading the way on autopilot because he could barely see and could barely think. He wasn’t crying but his heart was about to explode in his chest from all the pleading and the begging. Isak didn’t even believe in God but he found himself praying, imploring some invisible entity while his feet led the way.  _Please, please, please._

Isak didn’t believe in God, but he found himself believing in miracles. Because miracles had to exist. Miracles had to exist because what hope remained when all was lost? What could people hold onto in desperate times if not miracles?

Isak had wished for a different miracle just a few moments before that. He had wished for a miracle that involved soft smiles, and tender touches, and heated kisses, and ‘I love you’s, just ‘I love you’s.

But right now, all he wanted was for Even to be okay, for Event to be safe, for Even to never have made it to KB, for Even to have given up and gone home after the first hour. It was all he wanted. There was nothing more he wished for. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

He was one block away. He was almost there and he couldn’t really afford to wait for the light to turn red to cross the street. He couldn’t wait and he didn’t care if he got caught. He didn’t care-

* * *

**Even**

**17:09**

What are you doing?

Trying to cross while the light is green? :O

Are you trying to die?

* * *

Even was standing on the other end of the crosswalk, smiling like a  _fucking idiot_ , and waving at Isak as if he couldn’t see him.

_You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay._

Isak felt his knees give out the moment he got the text, the moment he spotted him. He let out a breath he had no idea he was holding and everything just came out pouring out of him. Everything. All of it.

Isak’s tears were streaming down his face now. Isak was sobbing hysterically now. Isak was shaking uncontrollably now.

_Oh my god. Oh my god._

His legs stopped moving and he just brought both hands to his face because who even reacted like that? He hadn’t even stopped to listen to the rest of Eskild’s story. He had just stormed out like an idiot.

_This isn’t some fucking cliche hollywood movie you dumbass._

But Isak didn’t have too much time for self-loathing. He couldn’t really care less right now. And while his feet moved rather reluctantly, he all but lunged forward the moment the light turned red, his strides big and uncoordinated and tears still streaming all over his face. He couldn’t care less, so he threw himself as ungracefully as possible into Even’s open and worried arms, smothering him with his love.

“Isak? What’s wrong?! Oh my god? What happened?!” Even asked over and over again into his hair, his arms strong and warm around his back, holding him. “You’re shaking! Isak, what in the world?!”

“I thought! I thought the car-. Eskild said someone got hit by a car and they had gray hair and I just,” Isak cried embarrassingly into the crook of his neck, holding him tight, so tight. Tighter than the night he had carried him home, tighter than any night they had spent cuddling. The tightest he had ever held him. “I thought something happened to you. I was so scared. I was so fucking scared, Even! Oh my god!”

“Hey. I’m here. I’m fine,” Even insisted while trying to untangle himself from Isak’s death grip. “Isak, look at me. Look at me! Baby, you’re shaking. fuck-”

Isak did look at him. He grabbed his face in both hands and examined him before pressing stupid kissed all over it, his lips landing on Even’s cheeks, and nose, and forehead, and eyes, and jaw. He just kissed him all over his face -- carefully avoiding his lips despite his hysterical state. He then wrapped both arms around his neck again and hugged him until he could breathe again.

“God, you’re such a drama queen!’ Even chuckled as he held him back. “I was there when it happened, but it wasn’t me. It was an old man with actual gray hair and nothing happened to him. The car kind of just swerved a bit and almost hit his car.”

Isak barely listened to the rest of the story. He couldn’t really hear. He didn’t really care, as selfish and horrible as it sounded. And he knew that Sigve was somewhere around them because he had chased him out of KB, probably to let him know that he hadn’t heard the rest of the story and that he had completely overreacted, but Isak couldn’t care less right now. He couldn’t care less.

.

“Here, drink this,” Even instructed as he sat Isak down on a swing in yet another playground and offered him a hot coffee while crouching in front of him. “You scared the shit out of me, geez!”

“I’m sorry,” Isak mumbled, feeling too tired and worn out and embarrassed to act like his usual loud and jaded self.

“Hey,” Even whispered, his voice so soft, so sweet. “I’m joking. Don’t be sorry. Why are you sorry?”

“I was so scared,” Isak replied with both eyes on his hands. His heart was burning from the short-lived stress and anguish. “I felt like I was gonna die. I don’t even know how to explain it. It’s like I just turned stupid and couldn’t use my brain.”

Even offered him a smile and a warm touch to his cheek.  _So sweet._

“I know it’s fucked up, but I’m kind of flattered right now,” said Even. “I'm sorry.”

“Huh?”

“I’m so horrible. You were shaking and crying, and here I am happy that you were worried about me. I’m such a dick,” Even chuckled apologetically.

Even.

Even didn’t know that he was the sun in Isak’s life. Even didn’t know that he was everything. Even was simply happy because Isak  _had worried_ about him. Even didn’t know that Isak would probably die from heartbreak if anything ever happened to him. Even.

_You really have no idea. Do you? How much I love you. How you’re everything to me._

_‘He can’t guess how you feel.’_

_‘It’s a miracle to me.’_

_‘He thinks he ruined you.’_

_‘My boy is the sun.’_

_‘Just for the day.’_

It was cruel that the two times Isak had confessed happened to be on April 1st then on the last minute of the day they had  _pretended_ to be boyfriends. But Isak suddenly realized that it was probably even more cruel to Even. Even who got so giddy and flushed from the idea of Isak worrying about him.

Even.

“Even,” Isak breathed deep and slow, taking his time, finally lifting his eyes, finally drowning in the blue, blue, blue in his irises, holding his face in both hands while he crouched in front of him.

Even.

“Hm?”

“I love you.” Isak smiled because his heart was suddenly smiling. “I love you so much. With all my heart. I love you.”

Blue. Blue. Blue.

“I love you today. And I’ll love you tomorrow. And I love you every day. Not just on April Fools’ day. Not just on ‘Just for the day’ day. Not just when I’m drunk or lonely or horny or on my sister’s death anniversary. Not just when you’re intertwined with someone else and leaving me hanging. Not just when you’re being good to me. Not just when you’re manic or just when you’re stable. I love you every day. I love you all the time. And not just like family. Not just like a best friend. I love you like a man loves a man. I love your soul and I love your brain and I love your body and I love everything about you. I just love you. And you deserve to hear it and I deserve to say it. So I love you. And you don’t have to love me back. This doesn’t have to be a miracle. You don’t have to say anything. In fact, I would prefer it if you didn’t. But I love you. You are the sun to me. Whether your hair is blue or gray or purple or green or blonde. I will always completely and wholeheartedly love you. Okay?”

 

 

_shit._

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stay tuned for Even's answer <3 (The Harry Rim joke is so bad and lame. but it came up in my office yesterday while we browsed user records, and my buddy and I laughed for 3 hours cause we're idiots)  
> -  
> April Fools' declaration was taken directly from Reply 1994 aka fAVE!!! Isak running around thinking Even got hurt is also taken from Reply 1994. Honestly that show changed my life so give it a shot if you have some time <3  
> .  
> oh Isak. he finally lets go. he finally realizes that he doesn't want to act all proud and closed off anymore. the only way to end unrequited love is by confessing your feelings unequivocally, truthfully, and with no hidden agenda, and he finally got to that point.  
> Even is still light years away.  
> .  
> I always wanted to explain why Isak disliked Mikael and why he was writhing with jealousy whenever he interacted with Even. but i wanted to wait until it kind of made sense to add this extra hurdle. Isak hated Mikael because of how rejected he felt when he came out. it's everyone's biggest fear with coming out, having a friend or someone close turn their back on you. and even when you're strong, even when you know that that person probably didn't deserve you, it still hurts and you still hate yourself a bit. it's human nature. that was Isak's struggle with mikael and we'll follow up on that. mikael is also an added layer to the complexity of Even's interactions with Isak as one of the reasons he keeps holding back. Even is dealing with a lot coming from a LOT of people and isak is only aware of bits and pieces. 
> 
> any guesses why Even dyed his hair 'for himself'?  
> .  
> Ever experienced hopeless love? a love so strong and so earth-shattering but just so consuming? a love that hurts so much but feels so good? a love that other people called you blind and stupid for pursuing but you simply couldn't help it? how did you snap out of it? was it a miracle? even if there's only a 0.000001 chance of a simple love being a miracle, isn't it almost our duty to pursue that small fraction? even if it hurts, even if it amounts to nothing. shouldn't we aim for the skies. shouldn't we hope for miracles?  
> .  
> as usual leave a comment if you felt something, anything. it makes my whole entire days.  
> thank you so much for all your unwavering support. love you, always <3


	10. Love, Rosie (Even) (2014)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do you still love me?"  
> "I still love you." 
> 
> Featuring confessions, flashbacks, flash forwards, time traveling theories, Chris Berg being amazing, free hospital trips, Even's mom, Even and Edvard's epic joint birthday party, Edvard in one of Isak's snapbacks, airports, tears, very angry Mutta, Tequila and Myrcella, and love, love, and love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long time no NLMLY. thank you for all your lovely messages and for all the love. i feel it so much. thank you so much. and happy holidays!
> 
> alright. this one's a rollercoaster. Even's POV.

Even secretly hoped Isak wouldn’t show up at the Kaffebrenneriet by the record store where he had introduced him to The Smiths and The Cure. He secretly hoped Isak would remain angry with him, so angry that he would leave him waiting in the cold on a short February day. He hoped that Isak would leave him hanging for once because it would prove Herman wrong, and because Even didn’t actually have a plan and didn’t have speech prepared to placate him this time around. Because the last time Even had asked Isak to come to the record store, he had actually delivered a speech, a good one.

Even checked his phone every few minutes and stayed on the lookout, only ever looking up from his sketchbook to scan the streets for a messy mop of blonde curls peeking out of a reversed snapback or an oversized hoodie. But Isak was late. Isak wasn’t coming. He wasn’t even responding to Even’s messages. And although his heart pinched at the thought of Isak being hurt and thinking that Even was choosing Mikael over him, he still smiled to himself. Because Isak was angry at him. Because Isak was putting himself and his well-being first and allowing himself to be angry. Because Isak wasn’t tending to Even’s feelings for once.

* * *

**Yousef**

**16:47**

Hey where are you?

We have to finish editing that vid

Sorry can we do it later?

I’m waiting for Isak right now

Isn’t Isak with Sigve?

Huh?

He’s on his insta story

* * *

It was almost five in the afternoon and Even would have waited longer if it weren’t for the undeniable fact that Isak was currently with Sigve according to the aforementioned insta story. They looked like they were at a coffee shop and Isak was wearing that hoodie that Even had gotten him a few years prior, the gray hoodie with the strings around the neck. The hoodie Isak had worn the day he was going to have sex with Vegard but ended up moaning against Even’s collarbone instead, his legs around his waist, trembling, crying, begging. The hoodie Isak had worn the day Even ruined him.

Even wondered why Isak was always wearing that hoodie in moments like these. He had worn it that day in the library, too. The day Sigve had curled against Isak’s side and made Even break in two at the realization that Isak was slipping away from him, happy with someone else, taking care of someone else, smiling for someone else. Even wondered if Isak knew how he catalogued everything, every outfit, every word, every gesture. How Even never forgot a word Isak uttered, ever. He wondered if Isak realized how much Even hated that hoodie the same way he had realized that Even always lit up a cigarette when things got a bit too much -- _A flame in the darkness._ Isak loved watching Even smoke and Even knew it, so he smoked, for him. His very own way of saying _Forgive me_ when he couldn’t actually utter the words.

Even wondered if Isak was as attuned to him as he was attuned to Isak.

Even sighed and closed his sketchbook before shoving it in his bag and throwing it over his shoulders. Isak wasn’t coming and it was a good thing. Isak was with Sigve and it was mostly a good thing. Sigve was good to Isak. He made him smile and he made him care for himself and put himself first. At least Even could tell Herman that he was wrong now.

Even was so caught up in his thoughts and in the song playing through his headphones -- _‘Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want’_ by the Smiths, which was ironic given the circumstances -- that he barely noticed some almost accident take place in front of him. It wasn’t anything major and nobody got hurt, but Even still made sure to go offer his help just in case it was needed.

It wasn’t, so he put his headphones back on and started walking away, trying to ignore the gnawing feeling at the pit of his stomach, eating away at him, swallowing bits of him with every stride he took.

_He chose someone else. He didn’t run to you. He’s not yours. You will never have him. All you do is hurt him. He’s moving on. One day he’ll be free from your hold over him, free from your shit. One day he’ll stop running back to you. He’ll stop putting you first. He’ll wake up and realize how bad you are for him. You’re nothing but poison. You smother him. You’re bad for him. You’re-_

All anyone had at any given moment was one’s thoughts. And Even had no way of stopping his self-destructive and deprecating ones. He didn’t know how to muffle the noise. Not even the sappiest sound from the nineties could drown out the toxicity of his own mind. So he reached for his earphones and yanked them just in time to hear the person next to him by the crosswalk scoff to herself, “What the hell is this kid doing?”

_._

Isak. Isak was on the other side of the large crosswalk and he was trying to challenge a couple of cars in the almighty gray hoodie from hell.

_What._

Even pulled out his phone in a moment of stupor and mostly happiness -- because _is he coming to see me? Is he running to me?!_ \-- and typed some stupid words along the lines of ‘are you trying to get yourself killed?’

But the closer he looked, the more worried he became. Because Isak shoved his phone back into his back-pocket and was now running towards him with tears in his eyes. _Tears. What happened?!_

Worry got replaced with panic because Isak was in his arms, crashing into him as if he couldn’t believe he was here, hugging him so tight and so desperately that Even could do nothing but reciprocate while Isak trembled in his arms.

.

Isak had heard about the stupid incident and thought Even was involved because of the gray hair. _Ironic._ If his boy hadn’t looked like he had gone through an emotional meltdown, Even would have been tempted to simply laugh at him for being so dramatic all the time. He settled for buying him coffee and sitting him down on a swing in yet another playground. Even almost winced at the memory of their last time in such grounds and he could only imagine how Isak was feeling right now.

_Isak._ Soft, beautiful, tender Isak in his gray hoodie, skinny jeans, dirty sneakers, and cold hands. Isak whose eyes were still shining with tears, who looked frail and cold as always, and who was still shaking when Even placed his hands on his thighs while crouching in front of him as if to anchor him. Isak, who always had a frown between his eyebrows but who had no idea how cute it made him look, how his cold and hard façade only ever made Even want to watch it melt away, how his cupid bow which Isak hated so much only ever made Even ache to lean in and kiss him until he mewled in his arms. _Isak._

“I was so scared,” Isak mumbled while looking down at his hands. “I felt like I was gonna die. I don’t even know how to explain it. It’s like I just turned stupid and couldn’t use my brain.”

_My boy._

Even couldn’t do much but bring his palm to Isak’s cheek and smile, the touch being initially instigated to make him look up and feel comforted. _I’m here. Nothing happened to me._ Even had long come to the realization that at times, not touching Isak simply wasn’t an option. Every bit of him yearned for him in one way or another. So whenever Isak looked down in defeat, Even’s hands burned to touch, to soothe, to comfort, to keep him warm, to lift his chin. And knowing that Isak was feeling like this because of _him,_ that he had run and cried and shaken in his arms because he had thought that something had happened to _him,_ only made Even yearn for him even more. _Me? For me?_

So he couldn’t help but smile and feel warm inside at the thought of Isak worrying about him to the point of shedding tears, as messed up and selfish as it was. Even forgot the intensity of their bond, sometimes. He forgot that Isak yearned for him like he yearned for Isak, sometimes. That no one could ever sever that bond. Not Vegard, not Herman, not Sonja, not Mikael, not Sigve. No one. He smiled to himself because his deepest and darkest thoughts were wrong. Isak still ran to him and he would still run to him even if he didn’t love him, even if he was with Sigve.

Half the time, Even had no idea what they were and what they weren’t. Isak cried for him and kissed him with silent wishes one night -- begging him to choose him on New Year’s -- then laughed and dismissed him and wished for a boyfriend some other day. Even didn’t know how Isak could bark in his face with a bare heart and bloodshot eyes and call him an ‘asshole’ one morning, then tell him that he was perfect and wonderful and that he hated it when he was hurting the next. Even didn’t know how Isak managed to always put him first despite all the hurt in his voice and in his eyes. Even didn’t know if Isak loved him or if he was simply trapped because Even was all he had ever known, because Even was sick, because Even would crumble without him. Even didn’t know if it was love or if it was teenage obsession on Isak’s part. He didn’t know if his feelings were his or if they were temporary moments of madness fueled by the sheer intensity of their memories together. Even didn’t know if what his mother had said to him was right, if Mutta was in the wrong, if his therapist was perhaps right even if she didn’t know them. Even doubted everything because what if Elias was right. What if this was something like the Stockholm Syndrome? What if he had trapped Isak and hurt him so badly that it only made him love him and need him more? What if it wasn’t real?

_‘You fucked him up so badly.’_

_‘You’re an emotionally abusive motherfucker. That’s what you are! And you don’t even realize it!’_

_‘I think you two are so intertwined and so inseparable and so dependent on each other that the lines have been blurred. I don’t think it’s healthy.’_

_‘You crave the attention, right? When he’s yours, you play him like he’s some toy. And the moment he starts looking somewhere else, you go fucking crazy with jealousy. You just like the attention, don’t you?’_

Even knew it wasn’t fair that Isak’s feelings had to go through so many funnels when they were seemingly crystal clear. Even knew Isak had feelings for him sometimes. He knew Isak cried himself to sleep sometimes. He knew about Isak’s feelings. But Isak’s feelings came and went like the wind. Sometimes, he loved him and sometimes he didn’t. Isak wasn’t sure half the time either. He had pushed him away that day in the park right after they had visited Lea’s grave, that day when Even had been so ready. Even was never sure and he didn’t have the heart to risk their entire relationship based on a whim. Because Even was scared of what he felt, too. He didn’t trust his own feelings either. He knew Isak had some sort of feelings for him but he didn’t know if they would ever last. Isak had never let him know how he truly felt so all he could do was guess and speculate based on his guesses. He didn’t know if they were _his_ feelings, if they were reliable, if they could work. Even didn’t know anything.

So when Isak grabbed his face in both hands with a smile on his lips, still on the swing, both feet planted on the snowy ground while Even looked up with big eyes and pain spreading along his lower back from the awkward crouch, he knew.

Even knew that Isak was going to make him cry.

“I love you,” Isak smiled, his thumb brushing Even’s cheekbone. _He smiled._ “I love you so much. With all my heart. I love you.”

Even stared with his heart in his throat, his mind blanking out a bit as he struggled to attach meaning to Isak’s words, Isak who smiled as if his heart was at ease and at peace, as if he had taken a trip inside Even’s brain. _Do you love me right now? What about tomorrow? Are you sure? Are your feelings real? Do you really love me? Aren’t you just trapped?_

“I love you today. And I’ll love you tomorrow. And I love you every day. Not just on April Fools’ day. Not just on ‘Just for the day’ day. Not just when I’m drunk or lonely or horny or on my sister’s death anniversary. Not just when you’re intertwined with someone else and leaving me hanging. Not just when you’re being good to me. Not just when you’re manic or just when you’re stable. I love you every day. I love you all the time.”

It was a conscious effort. But whenever Isak said _‘I love you’,_ Even dug his fingers into his skinny jeans without meaning to. He breathed hard and fast, struggling to keep up, his eyes burning because he wanted to cry, because his brain couldn’t process Isak’s words, because nothing was making any sense. Why was Isak saying this? Why now? Was this real? He had been so angry with him just a few moments prior. What was happening? Why were they both about to cry?

Isak brushed one of his tears away with his thumb and smiled so beautifully that Even almost broke. Isak was comforting him while telling him that he loved him and Even had no words.

“And not just like family. Not just like a best friend,” Isak paused to wipe another one of Even’s tears, still smiling, still caressing his cheek, still looking into his eyes. “I love you like a man loves a man. I love your soul and I love your brain and I love your body and I love everything about you. I just love you. And you deserve to hear it and I deserve to say it. So I love you. And you don’t have to love me back. This doesn’t have to be a miracle. You don’t have to say anything. In fact, I would prefer it if you didn’t. But I love you. You are the sun to me. Whether your hair is blue or gray or purple or green or blonde. I will always completely and wholeheartedly love you. Okay?”

Even was on his knees and they burned because of the snow and the biting cold. But everything else was burning, too. His heart, his lungs, his mind. Even was burning and he didn’t know what to say or what to do. This Isak almost felt surreal. Like those Isaks that visited him in his dreams and called him pet names and just loved him unconditionally. None of this felt real and if it weren’t for his wet pants and his cold knees, he would have been convinced that it was all just a dream.

“Okay?” Isak repeated, his smile falling a bit, just a bit, as if he had just realized what he had done, as if he was about to start panicking. He ran both thumbs across Even’s cheeks and waited with hope in his eyes.

That look. Even had seen that look before. He had been there with him when he had finally come out to his father. It had taken Isak so much courage and Even had gone with him and he had seen that look in his eyes before. Pride and hope and fear dancing in the shallow of his eyes all at once. Isak was at peace with his feelings but he was scared of the rejection. Even knew that look but he couldn’t say much, so he nodded. He nodded and watched Isak’s face light up with something like relief.

“Okay?” he repeated, this time pressing both of their foreheads together, making Even close his eyes and reach for his hands on his face.

“Okay,” Even breathed, his voice overcome with emotion. He didn’t know what he was agreeing to, but this was Isak’s moment. And while coming out and declaring one’s feelings were different things, he figured acceptance was always welcome.

_Okay._

“I love you,” Isak said it again, as if a weight had been lifted off his chest, then wrapped both arms around Even’s neck before pulling him into a hug. “Even, I love you so much.”

Even hugged him back, despite being in a daze, despite not knowing whether this was reality or some cruel dream. He hugged him back and only realized that they were both on their knees in the snow when he wrapped his arms around Isak’s waist and pulled him closer.

_‘You don’t have to love me back. This doesn’t have to be a miracle.’_

Even wanted to say something but he couldn’t find the words. He was too overwhelmed because he never thought Isak would ever say something like that to him. He couldn’t find the words, so he just held onto him until Isak pulled back and smiled nervously.

“It’s gonna be weird explaining this to Helga,” he chuckled as he got back on his feet, extending one of his hands to Even who looked up with a puzzled expression, his eyes still watery.

“The pants,” Isak explained. “They’re wet from the knees down.”

“Oh,” Even offered. “Yeah.”

“Come on,” Isak smiled again, insisting that Even take his hand. “Let’s go dry this up at Edvard’s. I’m sure you left some pants in my room.”

Even took his hand and nearly stumbled when they both stood face to face. Isak almost looked _different._ He was still smaller and shorter than him, but he felt more intimidating, less scared, less unsure, less jittery, less hurt. Even felt nervous and dizzy.

“You okay?” Isak cocked an eyebrow and pouted absently, as if he hadn’t just made a grand love declaration in the middle of a playground.

_Of course I’m not okay._

“I’m feeling weak in the knees,” Even admitted because it was true, in more than one way, too. His knees were feeling a bit numb from being shoved into the snow for so long and also obviously from his heart dropping inside his chest.

Isak stared at him for perhaps two seconds, blinking fast with his ridiculously long eyelashes. He then averted his gaze and buried a hand in his own hair, blushing and making Even feel dizzy again. He loved making Isak blush. It always sent his heart into a frenzy.

“Let’s go,” Isak mumbled with his back turned to Even, an undeniable smile at the corner of his lips. “Don’t wanna get muscle cramps.”

.

Even followed and they both walked to Edvard’s house with a blush high up their cheeks. Even didn’t typically blush, but he couldn’t help it. ‘ _I love you. Even, I love you.’_ The words were sinking in and Even was feeling feverish because they sounded so sweet, so right. _‘I love you every day. I love you all the time.’_ His heart was beating fast inside his chest as he walked with his eyes on the floor. He felt like a child being introduced to all of his mother’s friends. He felt shy and he felt small. He couldn’t even look at Isak. He couldn’t lift his eyes off the ground. He didn’t know what he could have possibly done to deserve so much affection.

And when they got to Edvard’s house, Even stuttered as he greeted Helga, making her frown and squint her eyes at both of them as she assessed their pants situation.

“What did you boys do today?” she furrowed her brows even deeper.

“We didn’t make out this time,” Isak replied as he made his way to her and planted a kiss to her temple. “Don’t worry.”

Even watched the scene unfold with wide eyes. It felt as though he had missed an episode, but he wasn’t the only one. Helga looked just as surprised by Isak’s breezy attitude. He looked lighter, carefree, as if all the grumpiness had somehow gotten lifted off his body.

“You coming?” he asked Even, grabbing two apples from the kitchen counters. Something he never did. Ever. Isak didn’t eat apples.

“Uh, yeah.”

“Where’s Edvard by the way?” Isak turned his attention to Helga as he handed one of the red apples to Even absently and bit into his own.

“He’s sleeping right now,” she replied with a dumbfounded expression still. “You boys better keep it down in there.”

Even blushed again but Isak clasped his hands together and laughed.

“You’re funny, Helga. Did I ever tell you you’re funny?” Isak teased with his elbows on the counter between the kitchen and the living room. “Funny and smart. I think I should just marry you.”

“Get out of my kitchen, Isak,” Helga groaned while rolling his eyes. And Even laughed, his heart filling up with something like pride and giddiness. He felt home, right here in some old man’s kitchen.

_Home is wherever I’m with you._

Even walked to Isak’s room and found a pair of his own pants on the chair by the desk as he had predicted. He awkwardly made his way to the bathroom to put them on, and when he looked back, Isak was smiling to himself.

“What?” Even asked nervously.

“Nothing,” Isak laughed before looking away. “It’s cute.”

“What’s cute?”

“You,” Isak smiled again. “You’re nervous.”

Even knocked his thigh against the corner of the desk and winced in pain. Isak had a point. He was incredibly nervous and he couldn’t even deny it. So he just excused himself to the bathroom to breathe.

.

“What did you want to talk about at KB?” Isak asked when Even finally made his way out. He was stretched on his back in bed and he was wearing shorts now. “Sorry I didn’t show up earlier by the way.”

“It’s fine,” said Even, doing his best to look away from his legs. “I didn’t expect you to show up.”

“No?”

“You were kinda pissed at the party.”

“I was,” Isak shrugged. “Got blindsided by the Mikael stuff.”

“Yeah. Uh. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about him,” Even swallowed before propping himself on Isak’s desk. “I promised him that I wouldn’t.”

“He asked you specifically not to tell me?” Isak asked, as he crossed both arms behind his head.

“Yeah.”

It was true. Mikael had asked him to keep it from Isak because he knew it would hurt him to know that he was struggling with who he was, because he thought Isak might take it personally.

“I would have told you,” said Isak. “If our roles had been reversed, I would have told you. I tell you everything.”

“I’m sure you would have kept his secret.”

“You know I’m shit at secrets,” Isak chuckled.

“I’m pretty sure you’ve managed to keep some things from me. Give yourself some credit,” Even laughed, too.

“You’re right.”

“Hm?”

“I managed to keep my feelings from you for some time,” Isak spoke nonchalantly, not even making eye contact. “If you consider that a secret. I don’t know.”

Even stared at him with folded arms and wide eyes. He was beginning to doubt Isak’s identity. Who was this? And why was he so open about everything?

“I was with Sigve today and he gave me shit for hiding how I really feel all the time.” Isak sat up, as if he could read his thoughts.

“Sigve,” Even repeated, the name leaving a bitter taste in his mouth.

“You know I thought you were dead earlier,” Isak finally looked up to meet his eyes. “I thought some car crashed into you while you were waiting for me.”

“You’re so dramatic,” Even attempted to roll his eyes fondly.

“You know what the only thing I kept thinking about was?” Isak challenged him with a bitter tone. “I kept thinking that I would never see you again. That I lost you forever.”

“Isak. Seriously-”

“And I know it’s fucking dramatic but honestly it made me realize that I’m so stupid,” Isak sighed.

“You’re not stupid for thinking I died.”

“Not that,” Isak chuckled, his hand wrapping around one of his ankles absently while Even stared. “I kept thinking that you died without knowing that I love you. That you died feeling alone and unloved. How fucked up is that?”  

Even’s heart pinched at the confession because it was all he ever felt. Alone and unloved. All the time, even when he was surrounded by the people he loved the most, even when Isak looked at him like he was responsible for the Earth rotating around the sun. So he waited for Isak to turn this into a joke, but he didn’t. His face only got sadder and Even was virtually lost. He was feeling nervous because he hadn’t said anything to respond to Isak’s epic love declaration and because he suspected that Isak was probably hurting right now. Because Isak might have been smiling, but it probably hurt when the person one poured one’s heart out to didn’t say anything back.

Even took a few tentative steps towards the bed and sat down by the edge with a heavy heart and guilt roaming his chest. And it only took half a second for Isak to latch onto him and hug him and breathe into his neck. And despite his initial hunch, Even quickly realized that this wasn’t a ‘Please, Love Me’ hug. This was a ‘I’m glad you’re okay’ hug.

“Isak,” Even spoke soft and slow as he held him back, his fingers threading through Isak’s soft locks. “I’m fine. I’m not going anywhere.”

“If you die, I die,” Isak whispered against his skin. And the truth was that Even hated these words. He hated them more than anything because the thought that Isak couldn’t imagine living without him scared him, because it couldn’t have been healthy or right, because he didn’t like the idea of Isak only living for him. So they scared him, those bitter words. Still, he held him back, feeling the control shift back to himself when he had lost it for a few hours after Isak’s speech. Even was in control again, of them, of their relationship. Even was driving again. He wasn’t feeling shy and nervous anymore. He was feeling bad and guilty. “I don’t care if you don’t love me as long as you’re with me,” Isak whispered right below his ear before pressing a kiss there, confirming his darkest thoughts, his deepest fears.

_I’m so bad for you._

.

Even walked home, feeling defeated instead of elated. Isak had finally confessed his feelings but Even felt nothing but emptiness and fear and apprehension as Elias’ words kept replaying in his head. And while he tried to hold onto what Edvard had said to him the day they had decorated the Christmas tree, everyone else’s words were starting to get the upper hand.

Even got home and pulled out his phone to text someone, but he didn’t know who to share what had just happened with. Sonja didn’t know that he had slept with Isak. Mutta knew but he was probably closer to Isak, and Even wasn’t sure he had the heart to admit that he had been right all along. Elias intimidated him and the rest simply didn’t know anything. He thought of messaging Mikael, but the poor guy was so in love with Isak that he was probably going to resent him.

Even didn’t have anyone he could freely pour his heart out to besides Isak. So when it was about Isak, he always felt lonely and alone. He always felt like he had nobody who would understand.

* * *

**Mutta**

**20:14**

Hey

You okay?

Hi

Yeah why

What’s up?

I just talked to Isak

Oh

Is he ok?

Is he sad?

I’m asking about you

How are YOU feeling?

I’m ok

Just know that you can talk me

You know that right?

Yeah

I hope you’re not still holding onto what i said a long time ago

I was completely out of line

I shouldn’t have attacked you like that and i exaggerated everything

Don’t worry :)

Wanna talk about it?

Nah it’s ok

I’m sure you have enough on your plate with Isak

Even, you deserve to complain to your friends too

You’re one of my best friends too

I know

Thank you <3

But i’m ok

I promise

* * *

Even wasn’t okay and he hadn’t been in a while.

* * *

 

 

 

 

> **Seventeen and Nineteen - The First Time**
> 
> Even secretly loved his manic episodes. He never told anyone how much he loved being manic, but he absolutely looked forward to the highs sometimes, to that feeling of omnipotence and euphoria. Even felt like he could do anything when he was manic. He always felt lighter and brighter and smarter, and nothing he did ever felt wrong or disgusting or crazy. The sky was the limit. No, actually. Erase that. There was no limit. Everything was infinite when he was manic. Infinite and glossy and beautiful and perfect. Possibilities were endless and his thoughts had no ends and no beginnings. He was free to fly and run and create and make and live and breathe and fuck and laugh and touch and smile and just live. The feelings of invincibility and freedom that came with being manic were similar to a cocaine high, except that Even had never done cocaine. It was just how his doctor described it. And while he was convinced that his doctor had never done cocaine nor experienced mania, he chose to take her word for it. The euphoria that came with mania was what the adrenaline junkies aimed for when they did drugs. So it was rather ironic to Even that he had to take drugs to _stop_ feeling that way.
> 
> Even loved the highs. At least he didn’t hate himself during the highs.
> 
> And when he was nineteen, his sex drive had doubled, tripled, quadrupled. Even was insatiable. Even just wanted flesh and sweat and love. Even wanted everything. So when he slept with Sonja, he didn’t really think much of it. They were both young and attractive and they had happened to both be horny. Even hadn’t even planned on ending up with Sonja in his bed that day. But Isak had laid on top of him that morning, full frontal to wake him up -- like an annoying little brother would -- and Even hadn’t been able to shake the feeling nor the image out of his head, his hungry eyes following all of Isak’s steps around the house with parted lips and want in his blood. So Even had been horny that day. Horny and scared because everyone would probably think he was disgusting for looking at him -- their little brother -- like _that_ when he lived under his roof, when Isak trusted him enough to walk around half naked and let him into his bed at night. Even was scared of the growing feelings inside him whenever Isak giggled and snuggled under his arms when they were all watching a movie on his couch. Even was scared of his own feelings and demons and desires. He was terrified because the only face he could think of when he was jerking off late at night was Isak’s. _I’m fucking disgusting._
> 
> So Even felt a tinge of adrenaline and relief when Sonja touched his forearm and smiled and offered to help with the little problem between his legs. “It’s just sex,” she assured him. And blind and horny, he believed and hurt her feelings. It was okay, though. The sex. It was great, even. Everything was perfect until Isak opened the door and shattered on his bedroom floor like one of those perfect porcelain dolls, completely crumbling into tiny little pieces all over the wooden floors. Isak, broken and betrayed.
> 
> Isak wouldn’t leave the bathroom that evening and Even could tell that he was crying in there. He almost felt like breaking the door to comfort him, and he nearly did. But something distracted him. Something or someone. Even couldn’t tell.  Even couldn’t remember.
> 
> Isak gave him the silent treatment for weeks. Isak no longer curled into him on the couch when the group was watching a movie. Isak barely even looked at him at all, his few words biting and cruel and filled with so much hurt that Even actually felt his pain. Isak got a boyfriend -- Vegard or something -- and Even was writhing with jealousy and want. He knew that he had no right, but he wanted and he yearned, and the tenderness was barely there anymore.
> 
> Their first time was nothing short of a disaster and Even had never been that turned on in his life. His mind was spiraling out of control with want and desire and jealousy, a feeling that was mostly foreign to him because all he felt for Isak at all times was tenderness, not this, never this.
> 
> But the thought of another man touching him, unraveling him, marking him drove Even _insane._ It drove him over the edge. It made him lose all control. _Mine. Mine. Mine._ He thought about it all the time to the point of exhaustion. He watched gay porn constantly and read about safe sex and just wanted to do something to show him that he cared. He went on a shopping spree and bought lube and condoms and all the necessities. He wanted to give them to Isak, to give him the talk, to make sure he was being safe but he didn’t know how when all he wanted was to claim him.
> 
> And he did. Claim him, he did.
> 
> Isak sat on his lap and moaned for him, whimpered and arched his back for him. He also lied to him. Even knew he hadn’t done anything with Vegard the moment he stepped into the room looking aroused and out of breath. Even knew him all too well. So he flipped them around and unraveled him one touch at a time, committing every moan, every touch, every sound, every breath to memory as his brain spinned out of control with each thrust.
> 
> “Fuck me,” Isak moaned with rosy cheeks, parted red lips, and obscene eyelashes. And Even wondered how he could make the crudest words sound so sweet. Isak made everything so sweet.
> 
> So Even fucked him. Over and over again until he winced and asked him to stop with a soft whimper. And then again when he managed to get Isak worked up until they fell asleep in each other’s arms. And then again when he woke him up with kisses along his spine -- because unlike him, Even couldn’t sleep -- right before Isak presented himself on his stomach, looking completely spent and slightly shy, turning his head to the side to look at Even and reassure him.
> 
> “Like this,” Isak breathed with pink cheeks and sweaty hair, both hands on his buttocks, exposing himself. “You can fuck me like this, Even.”
> 
> And Even would never forget the words and the way he had said them, looking like a doll in his sheets, face down buried in his favorite pillow, back arched, and cheeks parted. _‘Like this, Even. Fuck me like this.’_
> 
> So Even did _fuck him like this,_ hands on either side of Isak on the mattress while he sank into him deep and slow and steady, with kisses along his spine and his neck and the sides of his face, something inside his heart short-circuiting whenever Isak moaned and whimpered and asked for more. And _god,_ soft were his moans. Soft and sweet and Even never wanted to stop fucking him. Never wanted to stop touching him. So he wrapped both arms around Isak’s chest and pulled him up to him, hugging him as he thrusted into him and kissed his skin. And for a moment Even wondered if Isak was tired, if they should perhaps stop because the sun was almost rising and Isak was pliant and powerless in his arms.
> 
> “Are you tired?” he asked.
> 
> Isak didn’t reply right away. He just kissed him at an awkward angle and kept an encouraging hand on one of Even’s hips.
> 
> “Come inside me,” Isak moaned, making all of his thoughts half and melt in his brain.
> 
> “Isak-”
> 
> “Please.”
> 
> So Even did. And when Even tried to return the favor after collapsing on Isak’s back for a few moments, his boy was already fast asleep on his favorite pillow, still on his stomach, his skin red and exposed, his body looking frail and used and abused and in need of a good massage.
> 
> _Fuck._
> 
> Even woke him up around 13:00, and he furrowed his brows when he noticed that Isak couldn’t really eat, blushing furiously every time Even did so much as look in his direction. They showered together and Even got on his knees for him and made him gasp.
> 
> “What are you doing?” Isak yelped through hooded eyes.
> 
> “You fell asleep before I could make you come last night,” Even pouted.
> 
> “Not all of us can come ten times in one night or whatever,” Isak rolled his eyes.
> 
> And perhaps he was a downer, but in the middle of his rather awfully sloppy blowjob, Even pulled back and asked, “Isak, did I hurt you?”
> 
> “What?” Isak scoffed.
> 
> “I can’t recall how many times and I don’t know much but I think it hurts after a while. I just-”
> 
> Isak sank into his knees beside him and kissed him while the water poured on both of them, hot and comforting. There was a lot of tongue in this kiss and Even was glad they were already on their knees in his shower.
> 
> “You didn’t hurt me,” Isak replied shyly before throwing both arms around Even’s neck. “It was great.”
> 
> “Yeah?”  
> 
> Isak nodded and they never left Even’s room that day. They made love and giggled and laughed and talked about the galaxy and about the impending nuclear war. And Isak was so funny and smart and lovely that Even couldn’t help but interrupt him just to kiss him and touch him and tell him that he was wonderful. And for a moment, it felt like they weren’t ‘Isak and Even’. It felt like they were two perfect strangers who had met at a party or at a bar. Isak didn’t feel like his childhood friend, or his little brother, or his protégé, or his roommate. He just felt like a hot guy he had just had sex with. And it was both thrilling and scary. So Even watched him fall asleep on his chest and took a picture or two or three.  
> 
> .
> 
> It was great until Even’s mother opened the door the next morning while Isak was still snoring softly on his shoulder. And the initial embarrassed screech his mom always let out when she walked in on him with someone was replaced by actual dread and devastation when she realized who the body curled in his sheets belonged to. She almost screamed, but Even made it to the door right in time to stop her from waking Isak.
> 
> “Even. What the hell is going on?!” she yelled with disappointment in her eyes while Even stood in the middle of the kitchen in nothing but his briefs. “It’s Isak!”
> 
> “Mom. We’re, Isak and I we’re in love. You won’t get it but it’s like. We’re perfect together. I really think I can make him happy, mom. We had such an amazing weekend. And-”
> 
> Her blue eyes welled up with tears and Even became too preoccupied with making sure they didn’t spill and roll down her cheeks. He didn’t understand why she was so sad but something must have happened during her time away. Because Even was sure she would have been nothing but happy for Isak and him otherwise.
> 
> “Mom. What happened?” he asked with actual worry in his voice, his hand coming up to rest on her shoulder.
> 
> “Oh baby,” she sighed as she cupped Even’s cheek in her hand. “My sweet baby.”
> 
> “Mom. What’s wrong?”
> 
> “How are you feeling? Do you think we should go see a doctor? I’m sorry I’ve been so absent lately. Have you been keeping up with your meds? Do you feel a bit on a high?” she asked as Even’s eyes widened at what she was trying to imply.
> 
> “Mom. I’m fine! I’m not sick. I’m not manic. I’m feeling great. With Isak, it’s different. It’s like-”
> 
> “Baby, what did you do to Isak?” she interrupted him to ask carefully while tears rolled down her face now. “Did you? Did you touch him? What did you do?”
> 
> “I. uh. We made love. I don’t. Why are you-”
> 
> “Even, darling. It’s Isak. He’s-. He’s your little brother. What did you do, baby? We said we were going to take care of him. He has nobody else. You know this.”
> 
> “Mom- It’s not like that!”
> 
> “Even, you’ve had five other people in the house this week alone.”
> 
> .
> 
> It hurt. All of it. Everything hurt. His mother was right. Isak only had them and Even had fucked him, both figuratively and literally. Even had slept with five other people that same week before him. That was true as well and Even was lost. He knew his mother would never want to upset him, so it made sense that she hadn’t said anything about the other people in his bed. Even was nineteen and he had needs after all. But this was Isak. And Isak was like her son.   
> 
> _She must think I’m disgusting._
> 
> Even took off and wandered around town until he ran into Sonja who could tell that he wasn’t fine, that he wasn’t okay. He didn’t tell her about sleeping with Isak but he told her that he had fought with his mom. One thing led to another and he found himself curled in her bed. They weren’t doing anything. She was merely touching his hair because it soothed him. Then just as he was about to pull himself together, Isak came through the door wearing that same betrayed and broken expression he had had the day Sonja and he had actually slept together.
> 
> Even could have run to Isak to explain or to try and come up with a solution. His mother didn’t understand but perhaps in time she would. Who knew. And Even tried to find him that day. But then Mutta ambushed him somewhere near his house, nearly throwing him against the wall and Even broke a bit. Mutta wasn’t a violent person. He barely reacted to anything at all, so to warrant such a visceral reaction out of him felt almost surreal. Even would never resent him but Mutta did break him that day.
> 
> “What the fuck is your problem?!” Mutta barked in his face and Even committed it to memory. He never knew Mutta’s face could convey such emotions.  
> 
> “What?”
> 
> “How could you do that to him?!”
> 
> Mutta looked like those boys who came after guys that hurt and took advantage of their little sisters. It was a silly image but Mutta looked like that. Even figured Isak told him that he had left him during the day.
> 
> “Did Isak tell you?” Even mumbled, looking at his shoes, feeling himself shrink a bit.
> 
> “Yes.”
> 
> “It just happened because my mom showed up. I didn’t walk out. I will fix it. I promise,” Even tried to pacify him, meeting his gaze now.
> 
> “What the hell are you talking about?”
> 
> “Mutta. I’m gonna fix it with my mom. I’ll make her understand that we’re perfect for each other,” said Even with big wide eyes and a hopeful tone. “You have no idea how perfect it was, Mutta. We had the best weekend. I promise. I’ll make it work. It was so amazing.”
> 
> Mutta watched him with sad eyes now, as if he knew something Even didn’t. And while Even wanted to keep describing their amazing weekend together, something within him was urging him to stop.
> 
> “Mutta. What’s wrong?”
> 
> “Bro, you fucked him up so bad. And it looks like you’re out of it. I can’t even resent you,” Mutta sighed, bringing both hands to his own face.
> 
> “What are you talking about? I’m not manic. And I’m on my way home now. I’ll fix it. I didn’t hurt him. I-”
> 
> “Even, did you even look at him?” Mutta gripped both his forearms now as if to anchor him, as if to bring him back. “He broke my heart, Even. He showed up fucking limping to my house. Limping, Even! He couldn’t even walk, let alone sit. And he couldn’t stop crying because he said he found you in bed with Sonja again. And he hasn’t eaten in days and it hurts when he does anything. I just forced him to go to the freaking hospital because I was too worried, and one of the nurses thought someone hurt him or something. She kept asking him if he used protection and he said he wasn’t sure at the end, that you two fucked too many times. And he was so embarrassed when he told her it was his first time that I just had to leave and stand outside and pretend not to understand shit. And you know what the worst thing is? He wasn’t even crying because he was in pain. He just cried because you fucked him over and slept with Sonja again. Just what the hell did you do to him? How could you not see that he was in actual physical pain?! Why didn’t you take care of him?! It was his first time, Even. How could you ruin him like this?!”    
> 
> .
> 
> The shame that washed over Even when he crashed and burned was always daunting and exhausting. The self-loathing always ate at him, leaving him bare with no skin to hug his bones. Only this time, he truly felt like he deserved it. Because nothing ever came close to the realization that he had hurt the one person he loved and valued the most in the entire universe, nothing.
> 
> Even had once grown obsessed with Bipolar disorder itself, trying to understand if what he was going through was similar to what others had experienced. Because he was somewhat convinced that no one ever felt the way he did, that his brain was somewhat unique and that they had just put the wrong label on him. So he read about it. He bought all those memoirs by all the famous people who had been diagnosed bipolar, or _manic depressive_ at the time, and he tried to understand the intricacies of his own illness. And he somehow found comfort in Patty Duke’s account of her bipolar. She was an old Hollywood actress who had been among the first to speak openly about manic depression. She had even lobbied before Congress to get Mental Illness the exposure and funding it deserved. But that wasn’t why Even liked Patty Duke. Even liked Patty Duke because she had perfectly described the crippling shame that settled into his bones once he came down of a high.
> 
> “In order to get on with your life you have to forgive yourself and you have to somehow do the best you can to make amends for the pain that you’ve caused. The toughest was feeling that I could ever be trusted again.”
> 
> Even felt like he could never be trusted again. Mutta would never trust him again. His mother would never trust him again. And Isak, sweet, tender Isak, would never trust him again.
> 
> Even broke and he broke hard.

.

.

Even woke up feeling a little bit tired and a little bit down. He couldn’t remember what he had dreamed of but it left a bittersweet feeling inside his chest. He was almost grateful that he couldn’t remember and he stayed in bed until his mother knocked on his door and sat on his bed, waiting for him to give her a smile.

Even adored his mother. She was warm and she was kind and she fought tooth and nail so that he never felt alone, never felt different from the other boys. Even was lucky and he knew that he was lucky, but sometimes he wished she could see just how alone he felt at all times without him having to utter the words. He wished he didn’t have to smile all the time just so that he wouldn’t weigh on her mind.

“How’s my wonderful son?” she asked, her hand coming up to his hair to play with his locks. She knew how much he loved having someone play with his hair.

“I don’t know? You have another one hidden somewhere?” Even smiled, all teeth and morning breath.

She glared at him and made him scoot over and Even wondered why she even bothered today of all days. She typically left him alone so that he didn’t feel weird about still living with his parents. Why today of all days.

“You are my one and only son and you are wonderful,” she said as she sat next to him, her fingers still in his hair. “Also, Isak might have given me a call to ask how you were doing. So here I am.”

_Isak. Of course._

Even sank even lower in his bed. Isak had declared his feelings for him, yet he was the one who was worried, so worried that he had asked both Mutta and his mother to check on him.

“What happened?” she asked, her voice tender and soothing.

“He told me that he loves me,” said Even, because it wasn’t a secret anymore, because he had no one else to say this to. He curled to the side and let his head rest on his mother’s stomach like a child. The silence almost hurt.

“That’s great. Isn’t it great?” she eventually spoke, her fingers soothing and gentle on his scalp.

“No, it’s not,” Even mumbled.

“What did you say?”

“Nothing. I didn’t say anything,” Even admitted. “I didn’t know what to say.”

It almost felt absurd having this conversation in his bed with his mother like some fourteen year old. It felt absurd because his mother had specifically asked him to stay away from Isak, because she had been so convinced that he was going to ruin both of them that she had even brought it up to his therapist who had frowned and jotted down things on her notebook.

It felt absurd because it sounded like they were talking about someone else, like this wasn’t the same Isak his mother had made him promise to never touch again. It all felt so absurd. Because it had been his parents’ condition for Isak to continue living under their roof. Isak who had nobody, who wore the same dirty sneakers for years until Even bought him a pair or took him out shopping, Isak who was so alone and who felt so guilty that he spent all the money he got from his father on his mother’s care facility, Isak who would have had nowhere to stay if Even had continued his madness. It was absurd but Even had stayed away.

Then Isak moved out and moved on with his life and Even was back to pining and wanting.

Even had no idea what he wanted.

“Mom.”

“Hm?”

“Do you still think I’m disgusting?” he asked and he felt his throat tighten at his last word. _Disgusting._ It was what Even had felt all these years. Disgusting.

“Baby, I never thought you were disgusting. You’re nothing but wonderful.”

* * *

**Iss <3**

**14:17**

Wanna come over later?

Edvard keeps asking about you

* * *

Even wore several layers before shoving his hands in his pockets and braving the cold. The layers helped him stay focused and grounded. They felt like a hug and they made him feel safe. He had no idea why he was headed to Edvard’s house but Isak had asked and the last thing he wanted to do was make him feel bad. So he braved the cold and knocked on the door with tightness in his chest.

“Even!” Edvard smiled on his couch, wearing a vest over his freshly ironed shirt and nice bright shoes. And honestly, Even’s heart immediately filled with warmth at the sight, all the tightness and anxiety leaving his chest.

“Edvard. I missed you,” Even greeted him with a smile just as he walked over and offered him a fistbump.

Isak closed the door behind them and joined Edvard on the opposite couch, not giving Even much of a choice but to sit next to him.

“Hold on,” Edvard squinted his eyes as he hastily reached for his glasses on the coffee table. “Why is your hair gray?!”

Isak laughed and it took Even a moment to realize that he hadn’t visited since he had dyed his hair. He almost slapped himself on the forehead because this wasn’t how he was supposed to find out. _Well._

“You said you disliked that you had gray hair,” Even explained then couldn’t help but watch Isak’s reaction. His feet were folded in front of him on the couch and he looked cozy and comfortable. “That it made you feel lonely among all the kids, remember?”

“So you dyed your hair to look like me?” Edvard laughed. “I meant I wanted to look more like you, not the other way around.”

“I told you silver hair is the trend nowadays. At least four other people dyed their hair this same color after I debuted this look a few weeks ago,” Even laughed, too. Then he watched Isak’s face fall a bit and felt bad. _I did it for me. I did it for me because I don’t deserve blue skies. I don’t deserve the sun._

Edvard shook his head and chuckled, “Will these four people come to your party? I want them to know who really started the trend.”

“I can add them to the guest list,” Even joked, stealing another glance at Isak who wasn’t budging, barely blinking.

“How do you like his new hair, Isak?” Edvard asked as if he could tell how awful Even was feeling.

“I like it,” Isak shrugged, his arms folding over his right knee as he pulled it towards his chest. “It suits him.”

“I think I liked blue better,” Edvard mused. “It gave you character and it didn’t make you look old.”

“I don’t mind looking old,” Even winked then laughed when Edvard dismissed him with a hand gesture and an attempt at an eyeroll.

“Trust me, you do,” said Edvard.

“Huh?”

“Nothing,” Edvard laughed then left him feeling puzzled. “How about you kids go roll around in Isak’s king sized bed and let me finish this episode?”

.

Even felt flustered and confused as he made his way to Isak’s room, following behind closely but not too close. Isak smelled like his body wash. Like citrus and cucumber. He smelled nice. He had just taken a shower and Even wanted to taste his skin.

“Is he just gonna keep doing this?” Even asked jokingly as soon as he closed the door.

“It’s your fault. You started this,” Isak snorted.

“When did I?”

“Oh, ‘we’re just gonna go make out now, Edvard’. Remember that?” Isak blinked at him.

“Fine.”

They played some survival video game and Even got tired and bored in less than an hour. He preferred football over zombies and death and blood. He also preferred just talking to Isak, but he didn’t really know what to say. _Does everyone just hang out with the person who said they’re in love with them the previous night?_ He was about to ask if they could play Fifa instead when Isak turned off the TV and put on one of Even’s old playlists before sprawling his limbs on the little white fluffy rug Tequila loved so much.

**‘Stop Crying Your Heart Out’ by Oasis** was playing over the speakers and Even let himself settle in the space between the cold floor and Isak’s body on the rug.  

“You got weed?” Isak asked while staring at the ceiling.

“No.”

“Guess, we’re gonna have to smoke mine, then.”

They smoked on the floor until Isak felt comfortable enough to touch Isak’s face and let him touch his. Nothing too long or desperate, just soft little touches here and there. Isak and Even. Even and Isak. On the floor. T O U C H I N G.

“My mom checked on me this morning,” Even spoke as he blew clouds of smoke in front of them.

“She did?”

“Yup.”

“I might have called her,” Isak shrugged beside him, trying to hide his little smile. Even had no idea why he was smiling in the first place.

“She told me,” Even smiled too, brushing a strand of Isak’s hair over his forehead. “Why did you?”

“I don’t know. Just figured you might wanna talk to someone,” Isak shrugged again. “I would have offered my services but I was a bit busy. Sorry.”

“Your services?”

“Yeah. As your best friend. I have to listen to you bitch and moan from time to time,” Isak laughed, then giggled when Even shoved him a bit.

“What makes you think I needed to bitch and moan?” Even asked, bringing the joint back to his lips.

“I heard a very hot guy confessed his love to you last night,” Isak offered nonchalantly.

“A very hot guy,” Even snorted.

“Yes, a very hot guy, you dick!” Isak shoved him with his leg this time around, both of them laughing for some odd reason.

“Hey, relax,” Even held both arms up and almost gripped Isak’s rogue leg. “He’s very hot. You’re right. You’re right.”

“You’re a piece of shit,” Isak groaned again.  

“Let’s not get carried away. Shall we?” Even laughed before handing the joint back to Isak.

Isak blew three perfect clouds above them and Even reached to poke his index finger into one  of them, feeling a bit giddy, like a child.

“How do you feel about what this hot guy said?” Isak asked tentatively, making Even almost sigh. _Are we really doing this._

“Isak-”

“I mean it. This is your ‘best friend’ Isak asking, not ‘hot guy’ Isak asking,” Isak insisted.

“Isak. I don’t-”

“Just go along with it, okay? Just try. Just tell me what’s on your mind,” Isak turned to his side to face him, joint still pressed between his fingers. “I can never figure out what you’re thinking and I couldn’t really sleep last night because you looked so fucking sad. Who looks that sad when they’re told they’re loved? Who?”

Even bit his lower lip and winced at Isak’s words. That wasn’t why he had felt sad but he didn’t know how to explain what he felt. So he lay on his back and grabbed the joint back from Isak’s cold fingers. They were always cold, his stupid fingers. Isak was about to say something when it all just came pouring out of him.

“Remember the other day at the kebab place? When I told you about Herman?” he asked carefully, trying to ignore how Isak’s stare was burning through his side profile.

“Yeah.”

“Why did you look so sad for me but never stopped to feel sad for yourself?” Even asked then closed his eyes because it hurt. “You ask me to tell you what hurts but you never tell me what hurts _you._ Why didn’t you tell me?”

“What are you talking about?” Isak asked, puzzled and confused as he reached for the joint to dump it in the coffee mug with some Schrodinger nonsense on it that Even had gotten him for some obscure occasion.

Even brought both his hands to his face and let his palms cover his eyes for a few moments. He couldn’t even breathe. It was all he could think about. The pain he had inflicted upon Isak.

“What didn’t you tell me that I hurt you that night? Why do you keep lying and saying that it was perfect when you literally ended up in the hospital, Isak? Why won’t you acknowledge that I fucked you up that night?”

He looked up, finally, only to see that same defeated look on Isak’s face. Defeat and shock and devastation. Even had no right to bring it up if Isak wasn’t ready, but Isak was never going to be ready. Isak who had begged him to forget what had happened between them that night. _‘Nothing happened, Even. Nothing happened.’_ Isak who had called their first time perfect when it was nothing but traumatizing. Even didn’t understand how he could romanticize it. He didn’t understand how Isak didn’t hate him and resent him and how he had managed to hug him and comfort him about Herman. Herman whom Even had fucked just to know how much it could hurt, just to check for himself, just to have an idea, maybe. He could have stopped him when he had felt over-sensitive and burned out, but he wanted to go as far as his body could get him. _Use me. Just use me,_ he had thought. He had just wanted to know for himself what kind of pain he had made Isak go through, just to get a glimpse of what a whole night and a whole day of fucking could do to his body. Isak just didn’t get it.

“Fuck you,” Isak bit harshly through his teeth, suddenly sitting up with tears in his eyes.

“Isak. I don’t fucking get it!”

“You knew? Who told you? Was it Mutta? Fucking Mutta,” Isak muttered under his breath.

“Does it matter? Does it change anything? I hurt you and you never, not even once, said it.”

“When exactly did you want me to tell you that I was at the hospital, Even?! Before or after you fucked Sonja and ten other people right after me? Before or after you left me in your bed and went to do god fucking knows what, Even? I didn’t feel like shit until later. You’re supposed to feel a little sore after mindblowing sex, Even! For the millionth time, you did not violate my body! You did not force me to do anything! You did not betray my trust. You did not hurt me! I went overboard and wanted to keep up with your stamina and didn’t ask you to stop when I should have, but it’s not as dramatic and scarring as it’s in your head! You don’t get to fucking make up stories about the best night of my life in your head! I’m not repressing anything but the fact that you broke my heart that day when you fucked off to wherever the hell. I’m fucking fine! That night was amazing. I felt like a sex god. I felt amazing and you don’t get to take that away from me!”

Even stared at him the entire time with wide eyes and an open mouth. Isak wasn’t crying but he was upset and he had tears in his eyes. He also spoke as if he had a lump in his throat.

“I didn’t-”

“Shut up, Even!” Isak whined again. “You don’t get to throw this bullshit at me just because you won’t say that you love me back. You don’t get to make my feelings about this shit again. It always goes back to that stupid night and your dramatic crap and the stories you make up in your head. It’s fine if you don’t want to be with me. But stop using that night as a fucking excuse, Even. If you don’t want to be with me, it’s just because you don’t want to be with me. Not because we fucked like animals for a whole weekend while your parents were away!”

Even sat up and blinked a few times while Isak’s chest heaved in front of him. He was furious. He was shaking. All he wanted to say was that he hadn’t slept with Sonja or anyone after Isak, that whatever information he had was wrong. But he couldn’t even form a sentence right now.

“Say something!” Isak barked in his face again just as Tequila made her grand entrance into the room and quickly jumped on his lap, curling around Isak’s chest as if she knew he could use all the comfort he could get. Isak barely noticed her presence at all, his eyes boring into Even’s with hurt and anger.

“I never slept with Sonja or anyone after us,” Even said dumbly, his limbs sprawled on the floor while Isak glared at him. “I was at Sonja’s because my mom almost killed me when she found you naked in my bed.”

He then watched the wrath melt away from Isak’s face, the frown fading a bit, the hurt leaving him a bit. _Is this all it takes to make you stop hurting?_ Isak was struggling to keep glaring. He looked on the verge of breaking into a smile.

“You’re still a fucking asshole!” Isak huffed in forced anger as he got on his feet and turned  his back to Even with Tequila still hugging his chest. She almost looked like his pet now.  

“I’m sorry,” Even mumbled weakly as he tried to stand up as well. “I should probably go home,” he added when silence settled in the room.

He shuffled awkwardly while trying to gather his things and put on his million layers. He almost slapped himself for wearing so much crap when his body was burning right now. And by the time he found his beanie and his scarf, Isak looked like he was no longer hyperventilating by his desk.

“I’m gonna go,” Even said again while he stood by his bedroom door.

“You forgot your phone,” Isak mumbled as he petted Tequila, his back still half turned to Even.

“Uh yeah. Thanks,” Even offered, making his way back to the desk where he had left it and brushing against Isak (and Tequila) when trying to retrieve it. He paused for a moment. He paused because his body decided to pause, right there in front of Isak as he leaned against the desk with an expression stuck between hurt and relief.

Their eyes locked and Isak attempted to glare but he failed so miserably that Even felt like snorting. He was so soft. All the time. It was almost infuriating. So Even paused because he didn’t know when Isak would let him near him again after all the yelling. He paused but Isak averted his eyes and let him go.

_I fucked up._

Even reached the door and Isak called after him, making his heart jolt.

“You’re still an asshole,” he said and Even felt like smiling because there was no anger there anymore. “And I still love you.”

Even smiled until his teeth showed and Isak smiled until his dimples popped on both cheeks. They were both ridiculous but it was what they did.

.

On his way out, Edvard asked about the hypothetical party and Even paused and considered going back to Isak’s room to ask him about it. He decided against it, however. Because Isak would probably throw Tequila at him right now.

“Lovers’ quarrel?” Edvard asked with cocked eyebrows.

“We’re not lovers, Edvard,” Even sighed because perhaps Isak was right, and because it got  even worse when it was just Edvard and him.

“And whose fault is that?” Edvard added with his eyes glued to the Newspaper he was pretending to read.

“Certainly not yours,” Even offered with a smile. “You’re doing a bit too much lately.”

“Well, I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I don’t have much time left. I’d like to attend the wedding if possible.”

“Uh, we. I. We are NOT getting married. What-,” Even stammered while Edvard laughed his heart out.

“Who said anything about you two? You promised you’d take me on one of those weddings you keep crashing,” Edvard smiled knowingly and Even almost hated him for a second.   

“When is your mission ending? How does time traveling work? When can you go back to your time, seriously? ” Even groaned.

“When you take me to that wedding,” Edvard stuck his tongue out and laughed.

“Are you sure you’re _me_ from the future and not Isak?”

“Why? Are you in love with me too, by any chance?”

“Ugh!”

Even knew Edvard wasn’t him or Isak from the future. He knew he was just an old man who had estranged most of his family because he had married a girl he didn’t love and hadn’t gone for the love of his life instead. Because Edvard hadn’t realized how awful he had been to his wife and their kids until her death, but it had ended being too late. No one wanted to have anything to do with him now. It was too late. Even knew all of this because Edvard had told him about his regrets in life while they were decorating the last minute Christmas tree. Edvard had told him because Even had asked. Even knew Edvard’s life story.

But Even had spent an entire evening theorizing and trying to prove to Edvard that he was in fact a time traveler. And somehow, the joke had turned against him, because Edvard somewhat planted in his head the idea that he was sent from a time where being bipolar wasn’t the end of the world and where he could be happy and had six babies with Isak.

_Six?!_

_Yeah, six!_

_What the hell. Isak can’t even handle one cat._

_You’re very convincing._

Edvard was old and he was mostly a mystery, but Even truly felt like he had been sent from the heavens for him, specifically him. Because he got through to him for some reason, because he could see right through him every single time. Because the first time they had met and Even had  left groceries in the cupboards designated for Isak, Edvard had smiled and asked, “You love him. Don’t you?”

“Huh?”

“My cat,” Edvard replied. “You love my cat, right?”

“I thought it was a ‘her’,” Even furrowed his brows in confusion.

“Biologically, yes. But what if she prefers to be called a ‘he’? I don’t know. Tequila might be a ‘he’” Edvard shrugged and Even knew. He just knew he was going to be relentless and that he could see right through him.

_Fucking Edvard._

“I’m gonna ask Isak about that party,” said Even on his way out.

“He’ll say yes. Don’t worry,” Edvard replied.

“I don’t know about that.”

“It’s the blue eyes. I’m telling you.”

“Edvard!”

“What?” Edvard scoffed. “I have nice blue eyes. What can I say?”

* * *

**Iss <3**

**19:10**

Don’t be mad but

Edvard wants me to have my birthday party at his house

Uh excuse me

I know it sounds stupid

Almost no one knows i live with a 90 year old Even

He said he could pretend to be my grandfather

No one has to know you live there

Wtf? Some people saw him at the church before xmas

We could have it in your house or Yousef’s if you just need a place

Why here

I was thinking we could have a joint party

Since it’s the same day

Wtf Even

It’s his 90th birthday

??? you want Edvard to be AT the party?

Uhm yeah

Nothing too over the top

We can just have a few people over

He’s so lonely i just want him to be around more people

If that makes sense?

Even he could DIE

From what? From being around too many people?

Come on. I’m sure he’s immortal

Even are you serious right now?

Does he know this?

He said we could have the party a bit early and  
he would just hang out with Helga somewhere

But i want it to be a surprise party for him

Wtf Even

He doesn’t even know?

Are you trying to kill the poor guy??

I  just think he would like it Idk

But we don’t have to if you don’t think it’s a good idea

UGHHHH

Let me think about it

Thank you <3

You’re such a dick

Do you still love me?

You’re an asshole

* * *

Even laughed at his phone and went down to help his mother set the table. He made the dressing for the salad and sat down while she cooked, laughing at her stupid jokes and dodging all Isak related questions.

Around 22:00, he got a text from Isak and smiled to himself because he knew.

* * *

 

**Iss <3**

**21:56**

Yes

Yes what?

We can have a party for you and Edvard here

<333333

You’re the best

Whatever

I’m going to bed early i’m dog sitting myrcella tomorrow

Can i come with?

You’re so annoying

??

She doesn’t even see me when you’re around

You might as well just do it yourself

????

Fine

Goodnight

You too

Also

?

I still love you <3

Sweet dreams

* * *

Even always knew Isak had some sort of power over him that rendered him absolutely speechless and a bit defenseless. He didn’t even have to do much to get him flustered and nervous, and the wonderful thing was how blind Isak was to his own power. All it ever took was a bat of his eyelashes, a shy smile, a giggle, a stolen glance, or a touch, just a touch. Even was powerless before Isak when he didn’t even try. So when he tried, when he really tried, Even was a lost cause.

“Bro, you okay?” Mutta asked about fifteen minutes into their hangout. And granted, Even wasn’t even saying a word. He just stared at Isak the entire damn time while he played with Myrcella.

“Oh you like me today? Is that so? Huh?” Isak giggled while the Maltese licked his face and nuzzled against his neck. “Want me to sing you a song, baby girl? You don’t like Even anymore cause he looks ugly with his old man hair, huh? Me too, girl. Me too.”

He was on the floor with Myrcella on his legs and his hair was soft and tousled and unruly. He was wearing those black skinny jeans with the tears at the knees, and Even wanted to walk over and yank them down his thighs and just _swallow_ him. Isak was also wearing one of his sweaters, the blue one that Even was typically always wearing. He must forgotten it at his place and Even knew he was doing this on purpose. Isak knew how much he loved seeing him in his clothes. Even’s mouth was all but watering at the sight, his hands burning to touch. And judging by how Mutta was sticking around, he could probably tell.

“Bro, just don’t fuck in front of my dog,” he sighed before eventually leaving his own apartment.

Isak didn’t even flinch. He just laughed and let Mutta ruffle his hair on his way out.

“What?” he cocked his eyebrows and smiled.

“Did you have to wear that sweater?” Even sighed.

“Hm? What sweater?” Isak mused with a knowing smile on his lips.  

“Why did I volunteer for this?” Even groaned.

“You’re here to watch me be cute with Myrcella,” Isak shrugged. “I’m gonna make you wish you were a damn dog today, Bech Næsheim.”

“What the fuck?”

Isak kept his promise because Even really _really_ struggled to keep his hands to himself all day. He really struggled to keep on a straight face and not respond to Isak’s jokes. He struggled when they went outside to walk Myrcella, and Isak stopped him to take a few stupid pictures of him all bundled up and called him cute. Even struggled a lot that day, alright.

Isak and Even -- not IsakAndEven were good to each other even when Isak _loved_ Even and Even didn’t _love_ Isak. It was a bit tricky because Even felt constantly cruel for not saying anything when Isak showered in so much unapologetic affection all the time. Something changed between them after the day at the playground. It wasn’t a seismic change, but it was still significant enough for everyone to notice.

Isak no longer stared at him from afar and glared at anyone who approached him. No. Isak sat next to him and wrapped both arms around his back or his chest. Isak leaned against him while they were waiting for their classes or sat between his legs during lunch. Isak wiped cream off the corner of his mouth and fixed his hair and told him that he looked handsome in front of everyone. Isak jumped on his back in the middle of uni and held his hand sometimes when Even was talking about some movie he had watched for one of his classes, making Magnus and Adam’s brains melt a bit because they simply couldn’t just let it slide and had to comment on everything. Isak was affectionate and all over him. He threw his arms around his neck whenever he could and asked for hugs and kissed his cheeks, and even smacked his ass once or twice when he was walking away. Even no longer made the _‘I’m gonna miss you, baby’_ jokes. Isak made them for him.  

And one day, when Isak had to leave for class while the entire group sat sprawled on a random set of stairs, he waved at everyone, flipped Adam off, kissed Sonja’s temple, fist-bumped Jonas, high-fived Mikael, then leaned in to kiss Even’s cheek. It was so tender that it startled a gasp out of Even’s stupid mouth, so tender that he couldn’t help but stare.

“Love you,” Isak mumbled while blushing before walking away, nearly skipping.

_Oh my god._

“Bro, what the fuck?! Are you two together now. What the fuck?!” Adam shrieked.

Even’s brain was melting. He didn’t know. He still wasn’t sure. He was never sure.

_What if you grow out of this? What if I do something and hurt you again? What if these feelings go away? What about Mikael and Sonja? What about you? What if you get sick of me and feel trapped and can’t leave because of our history and our friends? What if it doesn’t work? What if we don’t work as more than friends? What if I have a meltdown? What if I lose control again and you end up hating me? What if I lose my best friend? What if?_

Even wasn’t going to budge. Even wasn’t going to act out on his feelings. He wasn’t going to risk it all.  

.

The little get together Even had in mind for his and Edvard’s birthdays kind of failed. It failed because this wasn’t little. Not even close. The house was packed and Isak was having a panic attack.

“Oh my god, Even!” Isak reached for his hands when he spotted him in the crowd. “Edvard is going to die. He’s going to have a heart attack and fucking die!”

“Isak. Relax. Breathe!” Even laughed because Edvard was not going to die. Chris Berg had brought one of those noise canceling headphones for babies at concerts for Edvard, and he looked like he was having a nice time in his room surrounded by Vilde, Eva, Mikael, Sigve, and Chris.

“What if like those headphones aren’t working? What if something happens to his ears? And his blood pressure from all these horny teenagers and their negative energy? What  if someone breaks something? Even, I think we should tell people to leave.”

Even watched Isak lose his mind in those same black skinny jeans with the rips at the knees and a white t-shirt that rode a bit high over his stomach, revealing some skin, just a bit but enough to send Even’s mind into a frenzy. He was cute, so cute. So Even touched his face and told him.

“You look so cute,” he drunkenly confessed, his thumb lingering by Isak’s mouth.

“Even, I’m serious! Imagine if he dies on your birthday! Like I could never celebrate your birthday ever again.”

He was so cute that Even told him again. Isak probably couldn’t tell that he was drunk, couldn’t tell that his thumb was burning over his bottom lip.

“Even-” Isak paused to look at him, to assess the situation. Even was almost tempted to say, _‘yes, I’m drunk. It’s my birthday and I’m happy.’_

“Dance with me,” Even asked instead, his hands finding Isak’s hips and pulling him closer until he locked his arms around his neck with big wide eyes.

“Even.”

“Baby, dance with me. Yeah?”

Isak smiled and looked so delectable that Even was tempted to just lean in and kiss his mouth. He settled for his cheek, pressing a tender kiss there as he dragged him to the living room where they had watched countless episodes of Skal Vi Danse and The Great British Bake-off.

**‘Strangers’ by Sigrid** was playing over the speakers, and it filled his heart with so much happiness to see Isak completely let go and just bounce around to the rhythm with their hips pressed against each other’s.

_‘We’re falling head over heels for something that ain’t real. It could never be us. Just you and I.’_

_It could never be us. It could never be us._

They danced until Isak forgot about Edvard possibly dying and just jumped around with no care in the world. And Even _loved_ this kid. He loved him with all his heart. Especially like this. Always  like this. Happy and carefree and bright. Brighter than the sun. Brighter than the damn sun. Isak.

Even cupped his cheek with his right hand and leaned in, alcohol buzzing, buzzing, buzzing in his blood. He was so ready. He was so gone. _I want to kiss you._ Isak wasn’t doing any better because he parted his lips so wide and stuck his tongue out like he wanted to lick him. It was so adorable and desperate that Even just wanted to pause and laugh. But they didn’t have time. They had no time. Ever.

They didn’t kiss and Isak didn’t lick him, someone knocking into them just in time for something to break in the distance. Isak ran to Edvard’s room first and thankfully nothing too dramatic was happening there. Edvard was wearing one of Isak’s reversed snapbacks and Eva had just torn his pants around the knees. He was also wearing one of Elias jackets and Even laughed so hard that he had to lean against the door so that he wouldn’t fall.

“What the fuck did you do to my roommate?!” Isak yelled at the little group which had grown to twelve people in Edvard’s room.

“We’re trying to make him look like you,” Vilde snorted from where she lay on the floor. “Chris has this theory that Edvard is Isak from the future. We’re trying to check.”

“Impossible,” Eva shook her head. “Isak swears like a motherfucker. Edvard can’t say a bad word to save his life.”

“That’s not true,” Edvard laughed. “I can swear.”

“Yeah? Try it,” said Chris. “Just say something super grumpy to check.”   

“Chris, leave Edvard alone!”

“What’s something grumpy?” Edvard asked.

“Say ‘Piss off, Even!’,” said Mikael, earning himself a glare from Isak, but it wasn’t filled with resentment like before. Perhaps Isak was over his feud with Mikael. “Kidding!” Mikael laughed.

“Piss off, Even!” Edvard mimicked in his best Isak impression, making everyone fall over and clutch their stomach, Even included. “I don’t like pets!”

Isak brought his palm to his face but couldn’t help but snort as well. “I never said that!” he added. “Besides, that’s not even swearing.”

Even leaned against the doorframe and watched Isak make his way to the bed and sit next to Isak!Edvard with a fond look on his face. Everything about this scene felt both ridiculous and wonderful.

“Say ‘Fuck off, Even!” said Isak. “Try it.”

Edvard laughed and shook his head and his right hand while everyone insisted.

“Come on!” Vilde pouted.

“You can do it, Edvard. It’s fine. You won’t hurt my feelings,” Even teased him from where he stood under the doorframe.

“Fuck off, Even!” Edvard groaned in his best effort to mimic Isak. And Even almost fell this time around from laughing so hard.

“Yeah, fuck off, Even!” Isak repeated.

“Get your shit together, Even!” Edvard continued. “Get your man, Even!”

The laughter quickly died down as Isak awkwardly cleared his throat and Magnus looked like he was about to go on one of his long series of unwanted questions. Thankfully, Edvard was quick to catch his own mistake and put a hand over his own chest to request some space.

“Oh my god. Are you okay?” Vilde frowned as she got on her feet, mirroring Eva’s and Elias’ alarmed expressions.

“I’m a bit old,” Edvard winced in fake pain. Even knew him too well. What an old fucker. “I need some space. I might get a heart attack.”

“Hey, everyone leave the room, right now!” Mahdi started evacuating the space while Even waited for Edvard’s next bit of nonsense.

“Isak and Even, could you stay please? I need some help.”

_Voila._

Isak was just as skeptical, except that he wasn’t trying to hide it.

“Really, Edvard. Really?” he scoffed when everyone left and he helped him remove Elias’ jacket.

“What? My heart hurts a bit,” Edvard shrugged.

“Edvard, your heart is on the other side of your chest,” Isak rolled his eyes, making Even burst into laughter.

They stayed for a bit and the party ended around 23:00 because Edvard needed to sleep, but Even was still drunk given that he had started drinking at 15:00.

It was his birthday after all and he allowed himself to lose control a bit on his birthday. Just a bit. Except that it was more than just a bit because Isak was carrying him to his bed, and it was dark and the party was already over.

“Best. Birthday. Ever!” Even declared to nobody in particular because Isak was removing his shoes and the room was spinning, spinning, spinning.

“You didn’t even open your gifts,” Isak laughed at the end of the bed. He didn’t sound half as plastered as Even. But then again, he had been so stressed and anxious and scared of something happening that he hadn’t even drunk at all.

“C’mere.” Even extended both arms and made grabby hands at Isak who was still laughing by his feet. “Are you laughing at my feet?”

Isak’s laughter somehow found its way directly into Even’s ears, and it took him a while to realize that he had joined him in bed, his face now nuzzled deep into his neck, both arms wrapped around his back. He smelled so nice. He smelled like home.  

“You smell so nice,” Even mumbled then almost mewled when Isak giggled and pressed a kiss to his neck.

“Love you,” he whispered to the skin there, as if it were a secret. “Happy birthday, Even.”

Even held him back until they were both all over each other, hugging, breathing, cuddling. It felt so nice to be held by Isak like this. It always felt so nice. It was the perfect moment to say those words. Those three stupid words that the world somehow stopped spinning for. Three words. Even didn’t even know why they mattered. _I. Love. You._

Even couldn’t say them. Even didn’t want to say them. Even refused to say them.

Not even while plastered drunk. Not even with Isak kissing his neck right now and making the hairs stand on his skin. Not even with Isak punctuating every kiss with another confession, another desperate and broken confession.

“I love you.” Another kiss. “Even, I love you.” As if to get a reaction out of him. “I love you.” As if to say _please love me._ Another kiss to his neck but not his lips, never his lips. “I love you so much.”

Isak eventually stopped and Even could tell he was crying in the dark. He could tell he was hurt and that Even’s silence burned him. Isak was trying to hard and Even wasn’t budging. _I’m sorry._

“You’re never going to love me. Are you?” Isak sighed with hurt in his voice. He was now sitting up and Even wanted to drown because the room was still spinning. “I’m comfortable to you. I’m like your favorite pillow.”

_What?_ Even wanted to ask but he had no energy.

“You want to cuddle me and sleep on me, next to me, hug me, and let me hug you, but you never feel like dry humping me on a lonely night. You have other pillows for that. I’m the comfortable pillow. The one for sleeping. I’m comfortable to you. I don’t make your heart race. I don’t make your hands burn to touch me. I’m family. I’m like your little brother, right?  You'll never want me like you want a perfect stranger. You will never see me like you see a stranger. I will always be poor little Isak to you, right?”

And Isak was wrong. He was so wrong. He was his favorite pillow and Even loved dry humping his favorite pillow. Isak was so wrong but he didn’t know how to make him see how tangled up it all was in his head. He didn’t know how.

So without thinking, he pulled him back down into bed and awkwardly lifted himself to turn them back around, to straddle Isak rather awkwardly. Even could barely sit up and Isak had to bring both hands to his arms to steady him on his lap.

“What are you doing?”

“Isak, do you want to fuck me?” Even blurted out, both hands spread on the mattress on either side of Isak’s head. “Just fuck me and we can get this over with. Yeah?”

Isak’s face fell beneath him and he looked so much like that seventeen year old boy who had crumbled on his bedroom floor with a broken heart. He looked so young and so hurt. His eyes wide and glistening. His lips parted but not inviting.

“How do you want it?” Even continued, keeping one hand on the mattress to balance himself and bringing his other one to his own pants to unbutton his jeans. “Do you want me to ride you?”

Isak’s hands flew to Even’s to stop him from going any further and Even wondered how he looked right now, drunk and delirious and asking Isak to fuck him on his birthday while Edvard slept in the next room.

Isak was hyperventilating beneath him, looking like he couldn’t believe his eyes, his fingers shaking on top of Even’s. But Even didn’t care to save face. Not right now. He reached for the back of his own jeans and sat up until he could pull them down his lower back along with his underwear. His jeans were stuck around his thighs but his buttocks were exposed and Isak was hard beneath him. So Even reached for his hands and put them on him, asking, demanding, ‘touch me.’

“Is this what you want?” Even asked through hooded eyes and slurred words, feeling Isak's fingers parting on his ass. “Do you want to fuck me? Do you want to hurt me like I hurt you? Do you want to know what I feel like inside? Fuck me so hard that I end up at the hospital too so we're even? Or would you rather I just fuck you again instead?”

Isak pushed him off of him and it was so sobering that Even felt the new tear in his heart.

“Have you lost your fucking mind?” Isak barked in his face. _Déjà-vu._ Even shrieked at the memory. It had gone the exact same way except Even hadn’t been drunk that night.

_He’s never going to forgive me for this._

Even sank back down in Isak’s bed with his jeans still undone and around his thighs and he  snuggled up to one of the pillows. He wasn’t even embarrassed. He was just tired. And by some miracle, sleep found him before shame did.

.

When he woke up, his jeans were buttoned and his underwear was back in place and a comforter was hugging his body. Isak wasn’t in his bed. He was curled around himself on one of the couches in the messy living room. And Helga was going to kill all three of them.

Still, Even brought a hand to his chest and let the hurt consume him. Isak was never going to forgive him. And it was probably better this way.

.

Isak never told him that he loved him again after that night. He no longer curled into him and hugged him and looked at him with wonder in his eyes. Isak barely spared him a glance, and when he did, it looked like it hurt. Like looking at Even hurt him. Isak looked broken all the time. He looked as though Even had finally succeeded in opening him up and tearing him in two. Isak looked like a light had just gone out in his eyes, like he didn’t want to be around him anymore, like he couldn’t breathe around him anymore. And Even understood. He had hurt him. Finally,  for real now.

“You hurt me,” Isak admitted when Even had tried to make amends a month or so later after Mutta all but dragged him to Edvard’s house. “You can’t just step on my heart like this anymore.”

It hurt to function without him around, always. It hurt to function knowing that he had scarred him deeply, that Isak couldn’t even be bothered to join their group hangouts anymore, that he had stolen something from him.

Months flew by and they weren’t okay. Not even close. They barely smiled at each other although Isak tried. And for the first time ever, Even realized that Isak was basking in his silent anger, that he wasn’t running back to Even this time around and putting him first. Every glance felt like a big sad ‘fuck you’. And Even didn’t even have the strength to mind.

If anything, Even felt mostly bad for not responding to Edvard’s calls. He couldn’t really go back to that house. He couldn’t dive back into that mess.

.

“You’re a fucking asshole,” Elias flat out told him one afternoon in early April. “You’re a dick, dude.”

“Hm?” Even barely flinched because this wasn’t news.

“Just why are you doing this? What’s your noble cause exactly? I don’t get it.” Elias scratched his head and folded both legs on the set of stairs they usually occupied at uni. “Are you still holding onto what I told you a long time ago?”

“Stockholm Syndrome?” Even looked at him, a hand over his eyes because the sun was too bright.

“Yeah that stupid shit,” said Elias.   

“It wasn’t stupid. You were right. He’s better off without me right now.”

Elias groaned in frustration, then got back on his feet. Elias was always one of the smartest people in the group. Nobody ever told him anything because they didn’t think he would empathize or understand but he kind of just figured it out all by himself. He had reached out to Even when he had accidentally dropped that picture of Isak and himself in bed in the groupchat.

“At least I tried, man,” Elias sighed.

“I’ll be fine,” Even shrugged and it was mostly true. It also helped that they didn’t physically see each other anymore, Even only hearing about him from others or through social media.

“By the way, I know you don’t care. But I don’t know what’s going on between Isak and Mikael right now,” Elias mumbled a bit. Elias never mumbled. “Just thought you should know.”

_What._

.

Isak was hooking up with Mikael. Even didn’t know whether he should laugh or cry. He hadn’t seen witnessed it but several people, including Mutta and Sonja, and stopped by to warn him or prepare him or whatever. Even trouble believing it at first, but then he realized that they were both young and attractive and that Mikael had harbored a crush on Isak for a while. It made sense. Isak had even resented him for a while so it added this ‘love hate’ element to their dynamic. It was perfect, really.

“I never saw them actually hook up,” said Sonja. “But Mikael’s been going to his place a lot lately. Like a lot. He’s all over Isak’s instagram and even Edvard’s. Who the hell managed Edvard’s instagram by the way?”

Even was running out of words and options. He was heartbroken but it was self-inflicted pain. No one had ever told him to hurt Isak and reject him like that. It was all him. He had no right to feel upset because Isak was moving on. None. He wasn’t even jealous. His heart was simply burning with hurt.

* * *

**Isak**

**13:19**

Hey

How are you?

Hi

I’m good what’s up?

Do you have some time today?

I have something to tell you

Oh

Like in person?

Yeah

Would rather do it in person

Sure

I’m done with classes around 16:00

See you then

* * *

Isak was going to tell him that he was seeing Mikael. There was no other way this conversation could go. Isak had no reason to summon him in broad daylight like this unless it was this drastic, this big. Isak probably didn’t want him finding out through someone else.

Even prepared a cute little speech along the lines of ‘I’m happy for you’ and ‘Oh I had no idea. I didn’t see it coming. But I’m glad you found someone.’ He practiced his smile in his mother’s car, trying not to look too fake or too over the top. He wore nice clothes with bright colors. He spent an extra fifteen minutes on his hair. Anything to distract himself from the impending wound that was about to be inflicted on him. Anything to prepare his heart.

.

“I’m going away,” Isak blurted out five minutes into their hang out at the KB by the record store with bags under his eyes and a leaner body. He looked like he had lost some weight along with his light.

“What do you mean?” Even asked, because he didn’t know how this tied into him seeing Mikael.

“I’m moving away for a semester or so. Haven’t decided yet,” Isak shrugged as he shoved his straw into the ice at the bottom of his drink.

“What? Where?!” Even blinked, pushing his chair back a bit.

“Uhm. Copenhagen,” Isak replied nonchalantly while taking a sip, pausing probably to give Even some time to digest this piece of information.

“What?!” Even blinked repeatedly, his mind blanking out. “Why?”

“It’s a good learning opportunity,” said Isak. “It’s one of the most popular destinations for Norwegian students and it will look good in my file. The university also has a competitive Engineering program and it will just help me see more than just Oslo, you know. Spent my whole life here. It’s like I don’t know anything else.”

He paused again and Even had to dig his fingers into his palms to make sure that this was real.

“With what money? What?”

“I saved up a bit. I also talked to my dad and he gave me some money. Edvard got crazy when he found out about the program because Mikael can’t keep his stupid mouth shut and he bought  me plane tickets and paid my first months rent. That crazy old man,” Isak chuckled but Even wasn’t laughing at all. Not even a bit.

_Is this how you felt when you realized Mikael knew something that you didn’t._

“What about Edvard? You’re just gonna leave him?”

“Mikael is gonna take over my room,” said Isak, back to shoving his straw in the melting ice. “It’s like the new gay room or something,” Isak laughed. “By the way, Mikael is like totally gay. I made out with him once and he almost came in his pants.”

Even felt transported to another dimension for a little while, a world in which Isak and Mikael making out jokingly was a normal occurrence, a world in which Edvard was paying for Isak to move away from him, a world in which Isak was leaving him.

“Isak, are you serious? Is this- Is this for real?” Even asked genuinely, no bullshit, no act, no nothing. He just wanted to know. And if the lump in his throat betrayed him and bled through his voice, then be it. He couldn’t help it.  

“Yeah,” Isak nodded and his face had somehow managed to break in that one simple movement. His breezy nonchalance was no longer there. He looked just as _fucked_ as Even.

“Is it- Is it because of me?” Even asked with tears in his eyes now because it had to be. Why would Isak run away otherwise. “Are you running away because of me?”

And he was taken back to the day Isak had declared that he was moving out. He must have felt this exact same way, only magnified because Isak was literally leaving the country.

“I’m going because of me,” Isak replied, his hands suddenly covering Even’s, making his brain  melt because they hadn’t touched for so long, for so fucking long. “It’s for me.”

“What-”

“I want to know who I am without you,” Isak gripped his fingers and spoke deep and slow. “I want to breathe again without knowing that I can just run back to you anytime I feel like it. I want to be able to go to a party without looking for someone with silver hair in the crowd. It’s for me. I want to breathe again. I want to not feel like this anymore. I want to focus on classes and not feel hurt and like I’m a burden anymore. I want to grow as a person and not to just keep thinking about you all the time. It’s for me.”

“I haven’t bothered you in months. Why-” Even’s voice broke a bit. “Why are you leaving? I can  leave instead. If anyone has to leave, it’s me! Why are you doing this?!”

“Even,” Isak stared into his eyes. Green and blue. Both on the verge of tears. Both breathing hard. “If you were to pick up a knife right now and drive it through my stomach, do you know what I would do?”

Even stared at him with a puzzled expression and panic bleeding through his eyes. “What? I would never do that. What are you-?!”

“Hypothetically. Just hypothetically. Do you know?” Isak asked, his eyes suddenly soft again on Even’s. “I would yelp in pain and shock obviously.”

Even blinked at him because he didn’t know where he was going with this.

“I would yelp in pain at first then do you know what I would do?” Isak asked with his fingers caressing the back of Even’s hands. “I would make sure you’re okay.”

_What._

“Any sane person would cry for help or call an ambulance or the cops. But I would check on you first. I would try to understand why you stabbed me. I would make sure you’re fine and then out of sight. Then I would call for help once you’re gone so that no one knows you stabbed me. That’s what I would do.”

_Oh._

“You before me. Always,” said Isak. “And that’s fucked up. Don’t you think?”

“So I’m leaving for me. Not for you.”

.

Isak’s going away party was short and bittersweet. No one understood why he was leaving and Even felt like everyone was secretly blaming him. They were right, so he let them be. They had the party in Edvard’s backyard and Even was almost too ashamed to face the older man after ignoring him for so long. But he knew that he would have to rip of the band-aid eventually. So he waited and watched him carefully while he spoke to Mikael.

_Fucking Mikael._ Even loved the boy to bits but he had no idea how he had managed to crawl his way into Isak’s life when he had loathed him just a few months before that. But as Even observed from the corner next to the potato ships Noora and Eskild had brought over, he noticed that Mikael’s shy smile wasn’t directed towards Isak. He was smiling for someone else, Sigve. Sweet Sigve. _What the fuck._

Even was lost so he walked back inside to the kitchen to get himself a beer.

“Are you coming to the airport tonight?” Jonas asked after greeting him by the fridge. Even liked Jonas because he was chill and loyal and empathetic. He liked him because Isak liked him and because he was sensible and knew which words needed to be said and heard.

“I don’t think so,” said Even, because who showed up at the airport to send off the person who wanted to run away from them. “I don’t even know what time’s his flight.”

“We’re dropping him off around 21:00 tonight,” said Jonas. “It’s just Mutta and me. So you can come if you want.”

“It’s okay,” Even smiled. “But thanks for telling me.”

“Main terminal. Around Gates E,” Jonas shrugged. “Just saying.”

He walked away feeling even more down than before. The sun was shining through the clouds and he suddenly felt very morose in his black shirt. Isak was wearing a navy blue shirt and looking lovely as ever. He didn’t seem to be enjoying the attention, however. And judging by the attendance, this whole afternoon party seemed to be Edvard’s idea. They didn’t even talk, Isak barely nodding and smiling in his direction when he spotted him at the entrance. _Great._

Even left the party a bit early without even talking to Edvard because he felt sick in his stomach, because he wanted to cry. Because it hurt.  

* * *

**  
Isak**

**17:05**

You didn’t even say goodbye

I’ll stop by in a few

Didn’t want a crowd :)

* * *

Even did stop by in a few, still in his black shirt and his black jeans. He looked like he had just left a funeral, not a party in the middle of summer. And the fact that Isak wasn’t letting him inside the house only burned him a bit. It was okay.

Isak cried when Even said that he would miss him and it broke him so hard that he leaned in without thinking and hugged him so desperately that they both gasped when their chests met.

“Don’t cry,” Even smiled. “I might visit around October.” _Around Lea’s death anniversary. If you want._

“I’m not crying. It’s just allergies,” Isak mumbled through his tears.

“Yeah right.”

They hugged for a little while in front of Edvard’s house and Even closed his eyes and breathed him in, wondering if he would ever be able to do this again.

“Call me anytime. Yeah?” said Even. “Whatever you need.”

Isak nodded and wiped his tears on the sleeves of his brand new navy blue shirt, looking small and vulnerable and full of doubts. Even wondered if Isak would stay if he asked him to right now.

Even hugged him one last time before taking a step back and beginning to walk away. He waved a few more times, with smiles and chuckles, then turned his back around and sprinted back home, actually running like an idiot because he didn’t want Isak to see him cry.  

.

Isak sent him a song the moment he rounded the corner and Even had to stop and lean against a street pole to catch his breath.

[OKAY KAYA - I'm Stupid (But I Love You)](https://www.youtube.com/watch/?v=8m_Q_gakJbw)

I don't wanna stay but  
There's just no way  
I'm leaving darling  
Let's go back to the start  
Falling apart  
Please believe me  
  
I'm so stupid  
But I love you  
  
You don't love me enough  
All I want is too much  
And I don't see you enough

.

Even came back to Edvard’s house around 20:15 when he suspected that Isak had left with the boys already. He didn’t know why he needed the company, but he figured Edvard was probably feeling as empty as him right now.

“Why aren’t you at the airport?” Edvard asked with squinted eyes, Tequila on his lap while he stretched in front of the TV.

“It’s better this way,” Even shrugged.

“What’s better this way, exactly?”

“Everything,” said Even. “If I go I’ll just end up crying and asking him to stay.”

“And what’s wrong with that?”

Even looked up and felt bare under Edvard’s intense stare.

“Why aren’t _you_ at the airport?” said Even.

“Because I’m ninety years old and I can’t help with bags or anything else really,” Edvard replied. “Why aren’t you?”

“I don’t know.”

“You should go,” Edvard turned to look him in the eyes. “I watched that movie **‘Love, Rosie’** with Isak and Mikael and Sigve yesterday. And he’ll resent you forever if you don’t go.”

_Love, Rosie._ Even had once forced Isak to watch it with him and it had been one of their most painful and awkward movie screenings ever, Isak nearly throwing popcorn at the screen whenever a new twist kept Rosie and Alex from being together. Even remembered how Isak had held his breath during the scene at the airport when they were saying goodbye because Alex was moving to Boston and leaving Rosie behind. He remembered how tense he had gotten and how disappointed he had felt that they hadn’t kissed.

_“They should have kissed in the damn airport,” Isak groaned at the end of the screening._

_“Yeah, well there wouldn’t have been a movie at all then.”_

_“They could have kissed and he could have still gone to Boston,” said Isak._

_“If she kissed him, she probably would have asked him to stay. And that’s not cool.”_

_“Why not? Everyone secretly wishes someone would ask them to stay even if they don’t end up staying.”_

.

Even parked his mother’s car in the wrong zone. He was sure. It was probably short term parking but he didn’t even care. He quickly made his way to the Departures area and pulled out his phone to call Mutta or Jonas.

“We just left. We dropped him off like fifteen minutes ago,” said Mutta on the phone.

“Shit.”

“Why are you such a piece of shit, Even? Why do you love last minute bullshit?” Mutta groaned on the other end of the line. “He probably already went through security.”

“What time’s his flight?”

“I don’t know exactly. But he still has some time. It’s probably at like 22:45 or something,” said Jonas. Even didn’t realize he was on speaker. “He already checked his luggage and stuff.”

Even hung up and scanned the crowds for a sign, for something, for anything really. He couldn’t really breathe and the thought that he had messed it all up this time, that he wasn’t going to make it work this time, that time wasn’t on his side this time was crippling him and bringing him to his knees.

_‘I kept thinking that you died without knowing that I love you.’_

It had been Isak’s only thought. They said that grief haunted the living while the dead did just that: stop existing. Other people would have felt hurt and bitter because they would have been robbed of a potential love. But not Isak. Isak’s only concern was Even dying feeling unloved and alone. It had been Isak’s only concern.

Isak was leaving the country feeling unloved and alone because Even was scared shitless. Because he was so terrified and because he had been for so long that he ended up ruining the one thing that mattered. He had been so focused on keeping Isak with him as a friend and not ruining their relationship, that he didn’t realize he had managed to drive him away for good.

_I’m so fucking stupid. I’m so fucking stupid. I’m so fucking stupid._

Even couldn’t really breathe because he didn’t understand his own actions. He didn’t understand why he hated himself so much that he refused to feel why he felt, that he kept it all bottled up in the name of some greater good. He didn’t understand why he wasn’t allowing himself to feel and say those three little meaningless words. He didn’t understand how he had driven them to this point. He didn’t understand how they had gotten to this point, how-

* * *

**Isak**

**21:07**

What are you doing here?

* * *

Even’s eyes shot up in panic as his screen lit up, his hands burning, his heart burning, his lungs burning. _Where are you? Where are you? Where are you?_ He scanned the crowd with that kind of despair he only ever saw in movies, when the main character was looking for that one face that mattered and the camera only ever focused on them because nobody else mattered, really. Even felt desperate and on the verge of tears because _what the fuck did I do? What did I do?!_

He spotted him by a soda fridge on the first floor by the escalator. He hadn’t checked in through security yet. He was still reachable and he was holding a fanta can and looking at Even with a puzzled expression, his backpack looking heavy around his shoulders.

Even pushed through strangers and made his way to the escalator, climbing in giant strides while Isak waited by the soda fridge, looking like a deer caught in headlights.

“I was dumb and bought a fanta and I can’t take it through security,” Isak explained before Even even reached him.

And perhaps it was for the best that he explained himself before Even got to him, because Even had no time. They had no time.

_‘They should have kissed at the damn airport.’_

_‘There wouldn’t have been a movie at all then.’_

There was no need for there to be a movie about them then. Because Even cupped Isak’s face in both hands and pressed their lips together in one all too consuming breath, feeling him instantly melt against him.

_My lips. Your lips. Apocalypse._

Even kissed him like he meant it and Isak let go of the fanta can to wrap both arms around his neck, pulling him closer, always, closer. Even was reminded of their almost kiss at his birthday  party, when Isak had parted his lips big and wide as if he had wanted Even to swallow him whole. Isak was doing it again, never closing his mouth, not even for a moment. His lips parted and inviting, his tongue licking over whatever it could find, lips, skin, teeth, tongue. Even felt weak in the knees. Even felt like swallowing him whole right there in front of hundreds of confused travelers.

Isak whimpered and tilted his head to the side, his fingers threading in Even’s hair in a desperate sob, making him cry too. _Don’t cry. Please don’t._ They kissed as if they had waited years to finally get a taste of each other, and all the pent up tension, all the hurt, all the repressed bullshit bled through that bruising kiss. Isak tasted like Fanta and secrets and stars and Even couldn’t breathe, but he didn’t care. He was hysterical and he only realized how badly he was sobbing when he felt Isak’s hands on his face, wiping his tears away.

“Don’t cry!” Isak pleaded with panic in his eyes. “Please don't cry.”

“Please don’t leave me!” Even sobbed while his lungs burned. “Please, Isak! Please. I will do anything. I’ll do anything! Please don’t go!”

“Even-”

“I love you!” Even blurted out in a sob, his hands still on his sweet sweet face. “Isak, I love you. Of course I love you. Everybody knows I love you. Please don’t go. Don’t leave me. I can’t function without you. I can’t do anything. I can’t live without you. Please! Isak! Please!”

The words hurt when they got past his throat. Such easy words. But why did they hurt? Why didn’t they feel right? Why did it feel like he was cheating?

Isak brushed his fingers against Even’s cheek and roamed his face with his green eyes before pulling him into a tight hug, one of those hugs that broke.

“We kissed in the damn airport,” Isak cried against his neck.

“They won’t make a movie about us.”

“You asked me to stay.”

“You deserve it.”

.

Even walked Isak to the security line because he knew that he was going to leave, that all the speeches in the world wouldn’t make him want to stay. And deep down, Even didn’t want Isak to stay either. Not like this at least. Not because Even had asked him to. Isak needed to do things for himself, too.

Even had asked him to stay because Isak deserved for someone to ask him to stay. Because Isak deserved to be kissed at the damn airport. Because Isak deserved what he secretly wished for. And it was stupid that this was what it had taken for Even to finally crack, but it was probably for the better. Isak probably wouldn’t have left otherwise, he would have probably still been tending to Even’s feelings and ups and downs and darkest thoughts. Isak would have probably still been living _for_ Even and Even alone. So he walked him to the security line and laced his fingers with his, like lovers about to be separated at the _damn_ airport. He walked him and he wiped his tears with a smile, and he waited for Isak to feel ready and let go of his hand. He just waited.

“Just a minute,” Isak asked with teary eyes. “Just one more minute.”

Even looked up at the gigantic digital clock on the board and felt himself choke up.

**21:20**

Just one more minute.

They both leaned in at the same time the moment **21:21** showed up on the screen, their lips finding each other in the midst of tears and feelings and misunderstandings and dramatic shenanigans. Their lips found each other the same way they had the first time Even had pressed a kiss to Isak’s sweet mouth. Just like the first time.

“The first time you kissed me,” Isak whispered when their lips parted, sounding breathless and exhausted.

“The first time I kissed you,” Even whispered right back as he pressed their foreheads together.

“And the last.”

.

When they saw each other again, Even granted him his wish and saw him as nothing but a stranger. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's 5am so forgive me for all the typos and mistakes and gibberish  
> Isak's i love you moment last chapter was mostly for himself to me. i didn't want the magic to be ruined and for Even to break his heart right then and there so we prolonged it.  
> Even is a total mess. we get a glimpse of his loneliness but his thoughts barely make sense to himself. he's so affected by bits and pieces of things people said to him in the past, people who might not have had any context and who might not have known what was going on. but Even held onto those words and used them to hate himself even more.  
> .  
> Isak is soft and he's a sweetheart following his confession but he won't let Even step on his heart. Even who's been taking him for granted for quite some time. the time jump in this chapter is quite dramatic because it's Even's POV and he just eclipses himself for some time. lots of things happen for Isak who decides to take off and start living and rekindle his relationship with his dad and Mikael (who's been getting very lucky lately) and Even isn't present for any of this because he's busy punishing himself. writing some of this was very difficult because you try to put yourself in the shoes of someone who simply hates himself and it's so daunting. i hope no one feels this way ever.  
> .  
> their separation was almost necessary in order for both of them to learn how to breathe. they're both so intertwined and have the exact same circle of friends that they just needed a break. Isak needs to meet new people and Even needs to fix his relationships with his current people.  
> so Edvard huh. Is he Even from the future? Just who is he?  
> in the next chapter, Isak and Even grow and take a stab at being /strangers/ but not in the way you think.  
> .  
> thank you for the overwhelming love and support. i still hope to finish all my verses by 01/13 but i need to stop writing 20K chapters lawd.  
> leave a comment if you felt something. anything. thank you so so so much i love you <3


	11. Call Me By Your (My) Name (2017)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Even, you're hurting me!" 
> 
> Featuring Denmark, boys, Mikael, Italian girls, self-destruction, nudes, memes, sweet pain, surprise visits, lock screens, bone crushing hugs, movie dates, peaches, friendship, bars, kisses, and reunions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello i love you <3
> 
> buckle up. Isak deals with a LOT this chapter.
> 
> TW: self-loathing, hints of domestic violence, hints of pain kink, hints of ableism, hypersexuality, pronounced alcohol consumption, and losing sight of self.

**_Now_ **

_ “I love you. Of course I love you. Everybody knows I love you! Please don’t go. Don’t leave me! I can’t function without you. I can’t do anything. I can’t live without you. Please, Isak! Please!” _

Isak’s entire being trembled with each word, a familiar sweet aching sensation spreading down his limbs and tingling at each end. It was so sweet. The pain. So familiar. As if they had done this a million times, a billion times, an infinite number of times. Always ending up at the airport by the soda fridge with a dented can of Fanta rolling on the floor by their feet, demanding attention but not getting any. Isak and Even. Even and Isak. Holding one another at a fork in the road.  _ Is this where we part? Or is this where I stay? _

A fork in the road. A turning  point. Their paths either splitting for a while or joining at last.  _ For how long? Do I stay this time? Do I leave? _

Isak held onto Even’s face as gently as he could, stood on the tips of his toes, and kissed him at 21:21.  _ “The first time you kissed me.”  _ Then again until his plane took off. He held onto his shoulders and licked into his mouth and kissed him until they got back to Edvard’s house and stumbled their way to Isak’s room. He kissed him until they were both naked, both in their bodies and in their hearts, until Even made love to him and took and took and took, and Isak gave and gave and gave.

Isak kissed him and said his name over and over and over again.  _ Even. Even. Even. Even.  _ Isak gave it his all and opened his heart and his soul. And he gave him everything. Isak gave Even everything. 

Until he woke up, drenched in sweat and with tears threatening to spill at the corner of his eyes.

In his dreams, Isak always chose to stay. In his dreams, Isak always believed Even’s words and stayed for him, not for himself, no. It was for Even. Even who couldn’t live without him. Even who couldn’t function without him.  _ You before me, always.  _ In his dreams.

“You okay?” Mikael asked, propped on his elbows beside him in bed and giving him a consoling look, his voice feeling like a needle bursting his translucent bubble, sharp, foreign, unnecessary because his bubble was going to burst anyways.

Isak groaned out loud, stretching his limbs in his miserable twin bed on its miserable box spring and tried to even out his breathing without Mikael noticing. Isak missed his bed in Edvard’s house the most in nights like these. Nights in which it just hurt. 

“Go back to sleep,” Isak huffed into the darkness above him then turned his back to the boy who had made him so happy just a few hours prior. 

“I can, uh, I can hold you? We can cuddle, if you want?” Mikael asked tentatively. “You can pretend it’s him.”

“Go to sleep, Mikael,” Isak repeated before turning to the side and closing his eyes until the tears stopped stinging.

_ In another universe, perhaps I stayed. _

_ In another universe, perhaps you meant it. _

.

**_Then - July_ **

_ “I love you. Of course I love you. Everybody knows I love you! Please don’t go. Don’t leave me! I can’t function without you. I can’t do anything. I can’t live without you. Please, Isak! Please!” _

Isak had always considered himself a lousy spectator and he was positive that they had a term for him in digital marketing classes. He could barely get through any movie unless he was being forced to by Even, and he only watched TV shows when they were at their prime, when there was something to work towards and cliffhangers at the end of each episode. He was the reason screenwriters came up with all those unnecessary twists and turns to keep the audience on its feet, because he got easily bored and lost interest as quickly as he gained it. He was a slow burn kind of guy in the sense that as soon as happiness or a goal was reached, he lost the will to continue watching or reading or paying attention. 

Isak loved the torture of anticipating a reunion — he did clap when Mike and Eleven finally reunited on Stranger Things and every time Rick Grimes found his son on The Walking Dead. He loved the denouement and the big showdowns in most of the media he consumed. He loved the battle scenes on Game of Thrones and the twists and turns in Narcos. But his interest was seasonal and it went away as soon as the long awaited event finally occurred. He compared it to starving for the longest time then finally biting into that terrible triple cheeseburger. The sensation of pleasure only lasted for a bit — typically twenty minutes in the case of eating — then it just stopped being there and he wouldn’t think about eating or cheeseburgers until he was close to starving again. 

So yes, Isak secretly looked forward to those desperate first kisses and those angsty love declarations in movies and TV shows. But as soon as they happened, as soon as that fleeting moment of happiness washed over him, he simply lost interest. _ Why? _ Because there was nothing to look forward to anymore. 

Isak had no idea why he was thinking about his inability to finish TV shows while Even poured his heart out to him in the middle of the airport with tears reaching his neck on a starry night in July, but there he was. Feeling a little bit lost, a little bit out of breath, his heart a little bit broken, his lips a little bit bruised, his eyes a little bit wide and wet. Isak was feeling a little bit of  _ everything. _

_ ‘I love you. Isak, I love you.’ _

_ Finally. Those words. Finally. I get to finally hear them. And they’re for me. Just me. I’ve always wanted to hear these words. And they’re here. Right now. My very own epic ‘I love you’. With tears and shaky hands and bruising kisses. Finally.  _

That fleeting moment of happiness and relief only lasted a second. Maybe two.  _ Is this it? What I’ve always been waiting for? This is it?  _

This couldn’t be it. And while he initially blamed it on his inability to remain interested when he finally got what he wanted, Isak quickly realized that this wasn’t it. That It couldn’t be. Because Isak’s heart was still hurting, because those words didn’t feel real, because they almost didn’t matter.

Yes, Even was sobbing. Even who always refused to show him his tears was crying in front of him right now, begging him to stay. And somehow, it should have meant the world, but it didn’t. It simply didn’t. Isak’s heart still ached in his chest.  _ Why? Why doesn’t it feel genuine? Why can’t I believe your words?  _

And that was when it clicked in his head. Even’s hair was still silver and his eyes were so blue that it  _ fucking  _ hurt to look into them. Even was still wearing the clothes he had on when he stopped by earlier to ‘say goodbye’, but he looked different. He looked nothing like the guy who was constantly breaking his heart, the guy who had undressed on top of him and asked him to  _ fuck  _ him at his birthday party, completely discrediting the genuineness in his feelings and turning all of Isak’s longing into lust for _ ‘a quick fuck’ _ , the guy he hadn’t talked to in months but wanted to so desperately. 

No. He looked like Even. His Even. Not  _ IsakAndEven  _ Even, not his lover Even. No, he looked like his best friend Even. Like the guy he shared joints with on the floor, the guy who always held him when things got rough, the guy who taught him how to ride a bike and who never pushed him to learn how to drive, the guy who was always there for him, always. He looked like that guy. 

_ This is my best friend. My favorite person in the world. Bidding me farewell. Giving me what I want. A kiss at the airport and a request to stay. This is my best friend’s last gift to me.  _

“You asked me to stay.” ‘ _ You’re not in love with me. You’re just telling me what I want to hear.‘ _

“You deserve it.”  _ ‘I’m not in love with you but you deserve to hear these words before you leave.’ _

_ Right.  _

Isak cried the entire hour and ten minutes on the plane. Then he never cried again.

.

**_August_ **

Isak didn’t regret leaving. During the day at least, he didn’t. Copenhagen was good to him so far. Well, he actually lived in Kongens Lyngby, North of Copenhagen given that he was attending the Technical University of Denmark. But his friends didn’t need to know. Most people just assumed he lived in the center of the city and that he was having the time of his life, and he didn’t do much to rectify those views. 

It was silly but he did his best to project his supposed happiness to people back home. He wanted them to know that he was content and blooming and that he did not regret his rather abrupt decision to take off. There was some truth to it, but Isak was far from being  _ happy.  _ Most nights, he just felt empty and missed having his friends around. 

He missed chilling on Jonas’ hardwood floor and indulging in FIFA with Elias and Adam. He missed cuddling with a reluctant Mutta on the couch and going to brunch with Sonja. He missed having sweet drinks with Sigve and turning down his advances when he got a bit handsy. He missed teaching Mikael how to flirt with boys so that he could finally make a move on Sigve, and kissing him on the floor until he blushed and squirmed right before kicking him out as soon as he got a boner. He even missed rolling his eyes at Sana and avoiding Chris Berg. Most of all, he missed hanging out in Edvard’s huge house, eating Helga’s food, and cuddling with Tequila. He missed the excitement that made him jolt whenever he thought he spotted blue or silver hair. He missed belonging somewhere. It was barely his first week and Isak missed belonging.

But it wasn’t the end of the world. His friends didn’t need to know how empty he was feeling. In many ways, his self-esteem was directly tied to how people perceived him. And if he projected this sad image of himself, then he became that sad image. Therefore, Isak showed off his toothy smile during Skype sessions with Elias and Mutta and updated his instagram with silly selfies and drunken blurry pictures with random people as often as he could. 

They didn’t skype that often the first few weeks, but Isak was keeping up with their shenanigans by watching their Vlogs on Youtube. Isak had no idea why Elias bothered and who their audience even was, but it was an easy way to keep up with their hairstyles and outfits. It was an easy way to get updates on Myrcella and the Yousef/Sana drama. It was an easy way to catch up on the inside jokes and the memes and the overall dynamics. 

But what Isak hadn’t expected was for it to be an easy way to see  _ him. _ Even. 

Isak fumbled with his laptop in bed around 23:00. He had just left the shower after playing football with a bunch of Italian and German exchange students whose names he could barely remember. And tonight, Even was in the Hei Briskeby video. Tonight, Even’s hair was bordering purple.

Isak had no idea why he was suddenly joining the videos after months and months of not bothering, but there he was today, looking beautiful and kind and happy. His eyes were smiling and it looked genuine. Isak knew when Even’s smile was genuine and it filled him with warmth to see him surrounded by Mutta and Adam and the rest of the boys. 

Those last few months before Isak left, Even had barely seen anyone. And he had broken Isak’s heart when he stood awkwardly by himself in Edvard’s garden at his going away party. He hadn’t realized just how alone Even must have been until that day. And Isak knew that it wasn’t his fault, that Even was doing this to himself. But he still felt bad for him because they used to be each other’s everything.  _ He has to save himself this time.  _

And it looked like he had. Perhaps Isak leaving was giving everyone the break they needed. Perhaps the boys had realized how badly they were treating Even. Maybe. Who knew. 

And the thing was that Isak didn’t really resent Even. He wasn’t talking to him. He was keeping his distances because he was tired of being taken for granted, because Even hadn’t even thought of apologizing. It was a push and pull game, except that Even wasn’t even playing, not pushing, not pulling. Still, Isak didn’t resent him. That tenderness he had for him was always there, constantly there at the back of his mind. His instincts were still to always protect and care for him, so he didn’t resent him. He just left him.

Losing Even was like losing a limb he didn’t know he had. He felt almost impaired in the way he functioned and he wondered if that part of Even’s speech was true. If he had felt as miserable as Isak had during those months they had orbited around each other but avoided being in the same room. Losing Even was exhausting and mentally daunting. And Isak was grateful for the few months of separation they had gone through before he actually left. It had been difficult but it had conditioned him to not having him around. Withdrawal wasn’t as sharp and as painful in many ways. Isak had rehearsed the pain of losing him before actually leaving. ‘ _ Rehearse the pain to dull the pain.’ _

Still, that phantom limb sensation barely left him. Even was always there at the back of his mind, with him in every step he took, and it hurt.

A sharp cry on the screen startled Isak back into reality, and he was back to watching the Hei Briskeby video. Elias said something stupid and Even was now laughing, both hands clasped together while Mutta buried his face in his neck and Adam threw an arm around his shoulder. Even looked like he belonged, squeezed between his two friends and laughing. Elias started tickling him at one point and Isak found himself laughing and smiling until his cheeks hurt. 

Isak couldn’t recall the last time he had felt this happy.  _ Seeing you happy makes me happy. _

He turned around in his bed with the towel still wrapped around his waist, the light from his laptop nearly blinding him in the dark. He propped it on his legs and indulged, rewinding the bit where Even just  _ laughed.  _ It couldn’t have been very sane but it made Isak feel good inside. It made him feel warm and giddy, so he rewatched it until Even’s giggles were the only sound filling his head.  

“Text the first person whose name starts with ‘i’ in your contact list,” Mikael said at some point in the video. They were playing some silly game, SMS roulette or something. 

It was Even’s turn and Isak watched in anticipation because the camera was zooming in on him. But Isak suddenly felt cold, a tremor going through him as Even’s face fell in slow motion in the screen before him. The smile that had filled Isak with so much joy was now slipping from his face, feeling like a sharp tug at his heartstrings, like nails on his skin. 

In three seconds, Even went from looking like the sun to looking like an ominous cloud. 

_ First person whose name starts with ‘i’ in your contact list. Isak. It’s me.  _

The video cut before Even got to complete his challenge and it somehow jumped to Elias doing it instead. 

“I is for Isak,” Elias smiled awkwardly at the camera while Yousef who was the most transparent, just kind of sighed to himself. “What should I send him?”

“Ask for nudes,” Adam joked then earned himself a shove with Mikael’s foot. 

Isak watched and waited for the bit in which he responded back. He remembered Elias randomly messaging him for nudes.

 

“Bro, when did Isak get so ripped?!” Adam laughed when he looked at Elias’ phone. They all took turns gaping at the chat and praising Isak for being ‘such a fucking icon’. They all did except Even who just curled into himself in the corner.

It all happened off camera, but Even had moved to the corner of the couch, looking grim and sad, the sparkle in his eyes no longer there, his smile no longer there. He didn’t even try. And at some point, Mutta wrapped an arm around him and pulled him into an awkward hug while Elias used Isak’s response to make a point about how gay guys were more likely to send nudes than girls. 

Isak paused the video and breathed through his nose.  _ Wow.  _ He had had no idea this would occur when he first clicked on the video link Elias had published on Facebook, absolutely none. It almost hurt to breathe for a little while because of all the conflicting emotions that ran through him like two rivers finally joining, like an endless torrent tearing him apart.

He was relieved but he was sad. He was happy but he was angry. Isak didn’t know how to feel or how to interpret Even’s grim. He had been so happy just moments before. But the second Isak’s name was mentioned, his spark had died out. 

_ How come I burst with pride and happiness when your name comes up and you die inside when mine does? How come? _

Isak’s heart hurt for a few hours. And he let himself bask in that pain, on his back on his crappy mattress, still naked and with nothing but a towel around his hips. He let it perforate his bones and run through his veins. He let it soak him and tear through him. He let it.

_ I’m still not living for myself. I’m hundreds of kilometers away and everything is still about you.  _

Isak started resenting Even.

.

**_September_ **

“Who’s Even?” the random boy with short and dark hair asked as he buttoned up his jeans and looked for his t-shirt around the floor. 

“What?” Isak frowned, immediately halting his attempt at lighting a joint in bed. It wasn’t the smartest move to begin with given that he always struggled with lighters, and he was very much naked under his sheets which were now hugging his hips. 

“You said his name,” the boy shrugged, finally spotting his crumpled shirt on the floor, right by the small desk. “Like once or twice.” 

_ Fuck. _

“No one,” Isak shrugged too, bringing his attention back to the lighter in front of him and doing his best not to burn himself.

“Used to have a ‘no one’ of my own,” the boy turned around and gave him a wink, wiggling his hips a bit because he was a tease as Isak learned the hard way. “The worst.”

He was tall, almost as tall as Isak, and he smelled like  _ boy,  _ and sex, and rebellion. He also liked to use his teeth in bed which was always a good thing when it wasn’t over the top. 

“Then why do you care?” Isak gave him a teasing smile, feeling himself stiffen again under the sheets as he watched his conquest of the night gather his things around the room. It was barely 22:00. Surely, they could have a second round. 

“I don’t,” he smiled. “I just prefer for people to scream  _ my _ name when I’m fucking them.”

Isak shuddered a bit, not at the crude words or at what they implied, but mostly because this hadn’t happened in a while, Even’s name burning at the tip of his tongue while he was getting fucked out of his mind. 

“Shit. Do you even remember my name?” the boy asked with a chuckle, making Isak laugh too. He liked how lighthearted he seemed, not taking things too personally. 

“Do you remember mine?” Isak smiled, nearly sighing when his joint finally lit up. 

“We’re both pretty shit at this,” the tall Danish boy laughed at the end of the bed. 

“Define ‘this’,” Isak squinted his eyes and stretched awkwardly in bed.

“I don’t know. Hooking up?”

“I would say we’re pretty good at it,” Isak shrugged, bringing the joint to his lips. “Names shouldn’t be a requirement for a quick fuck. Should they?” 

_ How crude. Remember when touches used to mean something? _

“Hey! What are you calling ‘quick’?” the boy frowned playfully, making Isak bark out a laugh. 

“Sorry dude. Didn’t mean to hurt your feelings,” he teased even though this guy had managed to actually last a bit longer than the average.

“Geez. I’m sure you wouldn’t have done any better!” he scoffed while his feet lingered by his shoes. Isak wasn’t very perceptive but he could see the hesitation there. This guy wouldn’t mind a round two.

“We could find out,” Isak spoke in his deepest voice and raised his eyebrows when their eyes locked. 

“Hm. I see where this is going,” he smiled as he put his phone on the desk. 

“And where is that?” Isak turned around to put off the joint he had just lit in a coffee mug on the floor.

“You want to fuck me,” the guy said very matter-of-factly.

“I want to fuck you,” Isak replied by throwing off the covers off of himself and showing him just how badly he wanted him.  

“You’re quite forward,” the boy said as he walked back to bed with a smile at the corner of his lips, his eyes following Isak’s hands as they slid down his own stomach.

“I don’t recall calling you forward earlier _ , _ ” Isak replied before yanking him back down by the collar of his shirt and turning them around until the guy was squirming beneath him. 

He kissed his neck then helped him out of his clothes. It wasn’t very graceful and Isak was grateful for the lingering alcohol in his blood. It made this easier. Whatever this was. He was less self-conscious, less nervous. It was all light and fun. These boys never wanted anything from him and he never wanted anything from them. It was all fun and games.

“Will you say my name this time?” the guy asked in a teasing tone once Isak had him naked and ready. 

“I’m gonna need to know your name for that, love.”

“Mikael. My name is Mikael,” he said with a smile, looking a bit shy all of a sudden. And  _ yeah nope. _

“Yeah nope!” Isak laughed into the crook of his neck while straddling him.

“Excuse me?” Mikael scoffed beneath him.

“One of my best friends’ name is Mikael. There’s no way I’m moaning that fucker’s name,” Isak chuckled.

“That’s a bit shit,” Mikael snorted. “Now that you mention it. How weird would it be to have sex with someone with the same name as you?” 

“Shut up,” Isak laughed as he started pressing kisses down his chest, tickling him a bit because he felt like it. Because this was the first guy who was willing to both top and bottom for him in this damn city. He felt quite like a gem even if his name happened to be  _ fucking Mikael.  _

It was nice. All the teasing and the laughter. And Mikael didn’t even seem to notice that Isak wasn’t kissing him on the mouth. Or at least if he did, he didn’t seem to mind. 

Isak didn’t say Even’s name again that night, but it burned at the tip of his tongue. It burned at the back of his mind. 

.

“What’s  _ your  _ name, by the way?” 

“Adrian,” Isak lied. “My name is Adrian.” 

“See you around, Adrian.”

.

Mikael didn’t try to spend the night and Isak was grateful. He typically refused to bring people over and preferred to go over to theirs so that he would be free to sneak out in the middle of the night. But Mikael had started the conversation with ‘I hate people who try to spend the night’, so Isak didn’t worry too much and dragged him to his apartment instead. 

And while he broke one rule for this guy, he stayed true to the rest on his short list. 

Hence Adrian. 

Isak was Adrian to strangers. He didn’t know why. He hadn’t planned on borrowing this absurd name. He had kind of just blurted it out one night at this random bar during his first week in Copenhagen when an older and slightly intimidating man had tried to chat him up. It had been his first time adventuring all by himself with no wingman and no friends around. It had been his first time being completely alone and free to be whoever he wanted to be. So that night, he was Adrian. 

And then when he came back a few days later, the bartender recognized him and introduced him to a small crowd as Adrian. And so Isak was Adrian for a few nights. At school, he was Isak, the slightly nerdy Norwegian exchange student. And at night, he was Adrian, the guy who didn’t kiss on the mouth but who did anything to please. 

.

_ “I love you. Of course I love you. Everybody knows I love you! Please don’t go. Don’t leave me! I can’t function without you. I can’t do anything. I can’t live without you. Please, Isak! Please!” _

Sometimes, the pain was so unbearable that he grabbed his phone from under the pillow after upon waking up in the middle of the night and stared at Even’s chat for nearly hours, typing out texts and then deleting them before embarrassing himself. 

They hadn’t talked after Isak left and Even never reached out. Not even once. But he figured it was probably his fault given the finality in his words at the airport.  _ “And the last.” You will never kiss me again, Even. _

Isak sometimes woke up panicked and navigated to Even’s instagram to check that pictures of himself were still there. He wasn’t quite ready to be forgotten just yet. Isak was moving on with a warm body in his sheets every night, but he wasn’t ready to be erased from Even’s life just yet. Isak was certain it would kill him to be forgotten by  _ him.  _

The pictures were still there. He was still the star of his instagram account and Even barely posted anything at all. Just pictures of Myrcella and Tequila here and there.

_ Tequila. _

Was Even talking to Edvard again after Isak left? He couldn’t help but feel a sharp pang of jealousy go through him. He wasn’t sure who it was directed towards, but he felt confused given Edvard’s words before he left and how he had encouraged him to leave.  

_ “What would you do if Even walked in right now and stabbed you in the stomach, Isak?”  _ Edvard had asked with a very serious expression.

_ “Uh, what?! He would never do that!” _

_ “Hypothetically. Just hypothetically speaking. What would you do?”  _ Edvard has insisted.

_ Fuck.  _

Isak didn’t realise just how pathetic he was and how toxic his bond with Even was becoming until Edvard all but forced him to look.

_ “I thought you wanted us together?” _

_ “Not like this.” _

. 

“Why Denmark?” Rita asked him one morning before their stem cell biology class. She was a beautiful Italian girl who had ended up in most of his classes. “I mean, if you wanted to go on an exchange semester. Shouldn’t you have picked something a bit farther than your own country?”

Isak rubbed his thumb with his index and middle finger to indicate that money had something to do with it. But even he wasn’t sure why he had picked this destination. Perhaps it was because he could make out Danish and because he didn’t have to struggle with culture shock or having to speak English all the time. Isak wasn’t sure. He saw an opportunity and kind of seized it. He hadn’t even thought of going to other countries.

“It’s kinda cool though,” she said as she flipped her long dark hair and rested her chin on her knuckles. “Your friends and family can easily visit, right?”  

_ Friends and family. _

Isak gave her a smile and nodded because he didn’t want to get into this, not with her, not with anyone. He appreciated having someone to have lunch with and sit through this Stem Cell Biology class with when he hadn’t even signed up for it at all. But he wasn’t going to bare his heart out to a total stranger. 

“Why did  _ you  _ pick Denmark?” Isak asked with a cocked eyebrow and a small smile.

“Figured I’d try Scandinavian dick,” she shrugged then chuckled when Isak seemed to have choked on his own tongue. “What? Tall, handsome, and broody men? Totally up my alley,” she added.

“Are you hitting on me?” Isak finally laughed.

“I said men, Isak. Not boys,” she replied while sticking out her tongue.

“Ouch!” 

They laughed a little bit and Isak realized that he didn’t actually mind her company. She was a bit forward and impulsive, but she wasn’t intrusive and she didn’t push when he took a step back. She almost reminded him of Eva for some reason, emotionally intelligent and wrapped in a party girl persona. She was the girl next door but was far more complex than many people who claimed to be  _ deep  _ and insightful _. _ Isak stared at her with a warm feeling spreading in his stomach. Perhaps he wasn’t that alone after all.

“You know what? I’m glad we couldn’t get into the classes we wanted and ended up in this one,” she sighed contently beside him when the professor finally made his way into the auditorium. 

“Let me guess,” Isak rolled his eyes and smiled. “Is it because you got to meet me?” 

“You wish,” she laughed, shoving him a bit before opening her textbook. 

“Is it because the professor is hot? His Scandinavian dick is calling? Or is it your newfound passion for Bioscience when you’re supposedly in an engineering program?” 

“Shut up,” she groaned beside him. “I just. I don’t know. I know I want to be a civil engineer ultimately. But cells are cool. Don’t you think? It’s like our own bodies and stuff. We’re getting to know how our bodies work. I think it’s really cool.” 

“You know we’re not the only creatures with cells, right?”

“Have I ever mentioned that you’re exasperating?”

“And here I was thinking you only had two cells,” Isak laughed then looked over her book to find the page. 

“My grades are better than yours, Valtersen.”

“That’s only because I don’t pay attention,” he challenged her. 

“Well, maybe you should.”

The class fell silent after that as the ‘most definitely not hot’ professor greeted the room. And Isak strangely found himself listening this time around instead of doodling in his notebook or thinking about what he was going to do when he got home. 

They talked about cancer research and Isak found it fascinating how interesting things could be when he actually paid attention.

Halfway through the lecture, Rita scribbled something on a post-it and pushed it in his direction.

_ ‘This guy invited us to a party tonight. We’re leaving my apartment at 21:00. You in? You need to loosen up a bit ;)’   _

Isak gave her a smile and a nod, and suddenly his plans were made for him. 

.

Isak let go that night. He showed up to Rita’s apartment dressed in his Jesus t-shirt, a snapback, skinny jeans, and condoms in his back-pocket. He had gotten himself ready in the shower and drank a bit before leaving his own room. Just enough to feel good and pretend to be interested in all these random people who almost exclusively always spoke in their own language and never bothered to include him.  

The party was quite the rager. It was in a small apartment, and clearly more people had shown up than expected. Isak predicted that they would run out of alcohol before any of them was properly knackered but he was wrong. Most people brought their own drinks and the fridge was being constantly stacked with beer. 

Isak locked eyes with a boy across the room and his first instinct was to look around for Mutta or Jonas or Even. But then he realized that he barely knew anyone at this party, that Rita was nowhere to be seen. That he didn’t have to worry about looking too gay, too eager, too desperate. Isak could be anyone. Maybe not Adrian since Rita and her friends knew his name was Isak. But still. He could be anyone. 

The boy was a man and he was in his mid-twenties. He wasn’t very handsome but he was a head taller, blonde, and strong. Isak could tell that he spent a good amount of time at the gym and he felt weirdly young in his presence. He then realized that he had never hooked up with anyone older than Even. 

The man had him pressed against the wall in no time. Isak was drunk but he was sure he would have remembered having an actual conversation. He didn’t even know which language he spoke and the stranger didn’t even ask for his name, his hands quickly roaming his lower back and grabbing a handful of Isak’s ass while his other one held his jaw and forced his mouth open. 

Isak felt like protesting because he didn’t like kissing random people. It was too intimate, and while he gave up his body without blinking, he still valued the touch of a pair of lips on his own. He still felt things while kissing. 

But this was no kiss. They weren’t kissing. This man was eating his face. And Isak figured that it was sexual enough to be discarded, that it didn’t qualify as a kiss. So he let him and he played along, bringing both arms to this stranger’s shoulders and grinding against him frantically until he could feel him stiffen against his thigh. Then without paying much attention to whoever was around them, he brought one of his hands down between them and started rubbing him over his jeans.

“Filthy one, huh,” the man laughed above him. And Isak couldn’t do much but nod and rub him faster. “You’re old enough though, right? You look so young,” Isak nodded again, this time bringing his lips to his neck and sucking hard and fast.

_ What am I doing. Who is this? _

The man took him back to his place, shoved his head against the wall, and took him from behind with one hand around his throat. It wasn’t very pleasant, but Isak figured he wanted to feel something, anything.   

“Is this chill?” the man whispered into his ear when he heard Isak wince in pain, his voice sounding a bit different, a bit more gentle, as if he were pausing whatever rough game they were playing. “Are you shitfaced? I don’t want to hurt you or traumatize you or something.”

“Yeah it’s chill,” Isak moaned because he didn’t know how to speak when he literally had someone inside him. “I’m not drunk.”

Still, he must have been unconvincing because the man’s touches were now unhurried, almost gentle. He wasn’t grabbing him as forcefully. He was no longer holding Isak’s arms behind his back. 

“Fuck. I’m not gonna fucking break,” Isak groaned, bringing the stranger’s hand back to his throat. “Just do it like before. I’m fine!” 

“Listen, I-” 

“Shit,” Isak groaned again, this time pushing the man off of him and turning around, feeling strangely wobbly at the emptiness that suddenly engulfed him. Then as soon as he felt in control of his legs again, he placed a hand on the man’s chest and gestured for the bed.

He awkwardly backed him up towards the bed and did his best not to trip and fall because of the jeans still around his ankles. They were both still clothed for the most part, Isak still in his Jesus shirt and the man having barely lowered his pants down his thighs before breaching him. 

“Listen. I’m starting to feel weird about this-”

“Shut up,” Isak interrupted him with a kiss as he straddled him in bed. It was the same hungry kiss from before. Nothing gentle about it. Isak simply wanted to drown out his worries and his protests. 

Then when he had him where he wanted him, squirming and desperate, Isak sank back into him in one quick movement and moaned at the breaching sensation. He was never going to get used to the burn.

“Shit,” the man panted beneath him. “You gon’ ride me, baby?”

“If you’re gonna go all vanilla on me, I gotta take matters into my own hands. No?”

Isak liked to give up control but he also liked to claim it, in whichever way. He loved topping but he also loved the vulnerability that came with letting someone in, quite literally, inside. And if it hurt, then be it. It was almost the only way he could let anyone in after all. Inside his heart, inside the warmth of his body. It always hurt. So whatever.

The control didn’t remain with him for long as the man seemed to have lost himself and gotten back to his sick fantasies. He quickly flipped them around, fingers digging into Isak’s sides until he felt like screaming while his other hand pinned both of Isak’s above his head. He had him right where he wanted him.

“Yeah, fuck me,” Isak moaned then closed his eyes because an overwhelming feeling of pain suddenly washed over him the moment he uttered the words, leaving him dizzy, leaving him broken.

_ Fuck. what’s wrong with me. _

He let himself go, closing his eyes and trying to focus on anything that wasn’t this. Him, pinned under some douchebag with a hint of a conscience and getting fucked hard on a Thursday night. He closed his eyes and tried to picture something beautiful, something calming, something soothing. 

And when all he saw was endless blue skies, he broke down and cried. Finally, cracking, a bit. It didn’t last long. He didn’t sob. He just sighed and held onto the man’s shoulders while he thrusted in and out of him, wondering if he had noticed him crying, if he had noticed him trembling. 

He buried his face in his shoulders and hugged him. And for a moment, he let himself be sick and twisted and disgusting. For a moment, he pictured being in Even’s arms. Just for a moment. 

.

Isak walked home around three in the morning, feeling disoriented and still drunk. He was in pain, but he couldn’t tell if it was in his body or in his heart.

* * *

**Even**

03:12

You win

Isak?   
Everything okay?   
It’s the middle of the night

I just got fucked so hard   
so hard Even you have no idea

Are you safe??   
What??

he fucked me like i was some toy   
pounded me so hard until I cried   
and the whole time all I did was   
think about you. 

Why? cause   
it was nothing compared to you

Nobody loves me like you?   
You’re full of shit Even   
Nobody HURTS me like you

**You have blocked this number**

* * *

Isak woke up with a hangover and pain tingling down his lower back. Flashes from the previous night started flooding his brain and a bitter taste was lingering on his tongue.  _ Shit. _

But it wasn’t until he remembered the texts and the anger that he sat up in his bed and groaned.  _ Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.  _

He checked his phone for Even’s reaction, but he couldn’t see anything given that he had blocked him. He didn’t know if everything would resurface if he unblocked him, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know. What if Even had said nothing at all? 

He quickly realized that the hundreds of texts from Elias, Mutta, Sonja, Jonas, Eva, Vilde, Adam, and Mikael weren’t just because they were missing him. They were all worried but weren’t sure why. They just mentioned something about Even trying to reach him and asking for help.  _ Great. There goes Happy Isak in Denmark. _

He texted a quick  _ ‘i’m fine guys. Just got shitfaced yesterday hehe’  _ to the groupchat and threw his phone away. Even had spared them the details. How nice of him. 

**_Incoming Call: Mutta_ **

“An actual call?” Isak snorted when he picked it up. “I’m fine, Mutta. I just got trash-” 

“Isak,” Even’s voice shot through him like an electrical jolt, a lump immediately forming in his throat. “Are you okay? Are you safe?”

“Even,” he breathed, trying his very best to remain calm and composed.

“It’s okay if you don't want to talk to me. I just need to know that you’re okay,” Even spoke fast, his voice deep and beautiful. “Don’t worry about the texts. I just-”

_ How dare you. _

“I’m fine, Even,” Isak interrupted him a bit harshly, a cruel smile in his tone. “I was very drunk yesterday and you know how delusional I get. No big deal.”

“Isak-”

“For real. I didn’t mean to make you worried. Okay? It’s a bit embarrassing, so I hope it’s chill that I don’t wanna talk about it.”

The silence was a bit humiliating, a bit hurtful. And Isak felt his skin prickle with shame and his  eyes sting with tears.  _ Fuck.  _ He was reminded of all those times he had said those stupid words,  _ ‘i love you’,  _ like a fool, like a hopeful lovesick fool. Convinced that Even loved him back and that he just needed to nudge him. He just needed to give him time. He just needed to shower him with enough love to convince him that he deserved it.  _ So embarrassing.  _

“It’s chill,” Even replied, finally. And it sounded like all those times he barely reacted to Isak’s feelings, silence like knives against his skin.

“Cool.”

“Just know that you can talk to me. You can call me. You can text me. I’m always going to be here. I’m-”

“Did you even read the fucking texts I sent you?!” Isak barked into the phone, pain bleeding through his voice. “I don’t want to talk to you, Even! That’s the thing. I don’t. I blocked your number. It’s like you’re not even listening!”

“Isak. I-” Even paused and Isak could picture him with a hand in his hair trying to come up with  something to say. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what you want from me.”

Isak sat down on his bed, his head still throbbing from the hangover, his heart still throbbing from the heartbreak. He gripped the phone so hard until his knuckles went white, until his nails hurt, then he blurted it out.

“You never apologized, you know,” he cried because  _ fuck it.  _ “Not even once, Even. You pulled that shit on your birthday and it never crossed your mind to say sorry.” 

“But-”

“I have to go,” Isak hung up before he did something even more embarrassing like sob on the phone. He wasn’t going to break. No, not today. 

.

“Tell me a little bit about yourself,” said the woman with warm hazel eyes and medium length hair. Her name was Anja and she looked like the woman in this one milk commercial on Norwegian TV. He was about to tell her when he remembered that he was in Denmark and that this was the university counselor. 

“Uhm. My name is Isak and I’m from Norway,” he replied while looking at his hands, feeling a bit fidgety and nervous.

“And what brings you in today?” she asked with a detached smile. She had glasses on and an overall chic look. He wondered if she cried herself to sleep sometimes. 

“I can’t sleep,” he replied earnestly, point blank because it was the reason he was there today.

“And why is that?”

Their session didn’t last long and they barely tapped under the surface. He talked about missing home and about how his relationship with his parents wasn’t the best. He kept the rest to himself, but she could obviously tell something else was weighing on his mind. She didn’t push, though. She just asked him to come back in a couple of days.

Her concerned looks were enough to corroborate his own doubts. Something was wrong with him. Isak would never do this in Oslo, not with all the people who knew him and risked running into him. He could never expose his psyche to someone who might later on become tangled in his own life — not when two people he was related to visited therapists constantly. 

Isak was strong. Isak was the rock. Isak supported his mother and he supported Even. Isak would never allow himself to be this weak and vulnerable back home. So this was interesting. 

He went back a few more times, hoping she would prescribe him some sleeping pills. But she kept trying to coax information out of him to the point of becoming cumbersome and annoying. 

_ Whatever. Who needs sleep anyways.  _

.

“I saw you at the Counseling Center yesterday,” said Rita at the beginning of their STEM Cell class. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah. Missing home a bit. That’s all,” Isak smiled and bumped his elbow against hers, hoping she wouldn’t judge him for feeling mentally strained. 

“I miss home, too,” she sighed beside him and let her face fall on top of her folded arms. That was it. No stigma. No ‘are you a psycho?’. “Did you have fun the other night, by the way? I didn’t really see you after we got there.”

Isak winced a bit at the memories. The sex itself wasn’t scarring. It was mostly how he had acted, as if he were trying to punish himself.

“Yeah. Was chill,” said Isak, shrugging. He was about to change the topic or ask her about her night when he realized that he had nothing to lose. Anja said that it would help to talk to other people if he couldn’t confide in her with the specifics. “I hooked up with an older guy. It was weird.” 

“Weird, how?” she asked with a concerned frown, her head now resting her hand while her elbow was planted on the table. “Was he gross?” 

“No. He was hot,” Isak chuckled. “It was just a bit rough? I don’t know. Kind of TMI, I know.” He then held his breath because he couldn’t picture ever telling anyone about this out loud.

“No. No. I love listening to this stuff. You can lay it on me,” she smiled. “I love me some rough sex.”

“Shut up,” he rolled his eyes and shoved her. Isak had no idea why he was sharing this part of  himself with an Italian girl he was probably never going to see again, but there he was.

“Was it hot? Did you like it?” she grinned. “I would kill for someone to just pound me! God! These Danish guys are so Vanilla so far.” 

“What is wrong with you?!” Isak burst into laughter and turned around to see if anyone else was listening. 

“What? It’s true. I’m not ashamed of expressing my sexuality and of my desires,” she shrugged. “And you shouldn’t be either.”

“I’m. I’m not ashamed. It’s just,” Isak paused to think.

“Just what?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think I wanted it?” 

“Oh my god! Did he make you-” she suddenly jolted in her seat and Isak had to cover her mouth with his hand because she was too damn loud.

“No! No! Shit. Relax. Why are you so loud?”

“You scared me!” she pouted when she moved his hand away from her face.

“Yeah, so like. I just. I encouraged him and stuff. But it felt like I was trying to punish myself,” Isak explained with a blush creeping its way to his cheeks.

“Huh? What? Like you’re a masochist or something?”

“No. Shut up. I just,” Isak sighed because he didn’t know how to explain. “It was like. It was about someone else. I kept thinking about someone else and I wanted to get him off my mind  but it just made it worse.”

Rita sighed beside him and ran a hand over his shoulders, comforting him.

“What’s his name?” she asked.

“Hm?”

“Your ex. What’s his name?”

_ My ex. _

“Why?” Isak asked with wide eyes.

“I just want to picture who I’m mentally throwing darts at right now,” she replied with a dimpled smile. 

“It’s just a name.”

“Oh Amore,” she sighed, her hand cupping his chin and tugging at it gently. ”It’s never just a name.”

For a moment, Rita looked older and wiser than she was. Isak worried a tad bit that this piece of information would end up ruining his life, but he figured that she had no business telling other people about him and that he wasn't going to see her again after this semester, really.

“Even,” he mouthed. “His name is Even.”

And that was how Even became his ex. 

.

The rest of September was slow and uneventful. Isak went to class during the day, spent a few  hours in the library in the afternoon leading up to the evening, played football with random guys down in the pitch, skyped with Edvard and Mikael during supper twice a week, ignored Even’s texts and calls, and wandered around town as Adrian late at night.

Skin. Isak — Adrian — craved skin and drunken giggles and lean muscles. He craved to be held and desired. He craved rough touches and stubble grazes. He craved meaningless blowjobs in bathroom stalls and desperate grinding in the middle of the dance floor. He craved love bites and scratches along his back. Isak craved and craved and craved.

And somewhere along the line, he lost himself a bit. He closed his eyes and let his body transport him wherever the universe had picked for him for the night, and it became a bit addictive. Feeling desired and wanted. 

He didn’t live in Even’s shadow anymore after all. He didn’t feel insecure because his eyes didn’t shine like Even’s and because his lips weren’t as red and as full. He didn’t feel inadequate because he was afraid of what the boys might think if he ever made out with a guy in front of them. He didn’t feel restrained because of what his mother or his father might think of him. He didn’t feel like he had to somehow remain faithful to Even who couldn’t give  _ two fucks  _ about him just to tend to his feelings and his nonsensical jealousy. He didn’t have to be careful. 

Isak was free to be whoever he wanted to be. And he chose to be a confident guy who never said no to anything, unless it felt too dangerous or creepy, in which case he fumbled with his phone which had a random picture of Mutta as his lock screen. A cowardly way of saying  _ “I’m taken. And this is my boyfriend. Leave me alone.” _

It was late September and Isak was barely coping, barely hanging on. He could tell that he was slipping. He could always tell. Every year was a bit different, and this one was plagued with alcohol and sex and sweat and pronounced self-loathing. 

He missed class in the last few days leading to October. He didn’t pick up his phone, he didn’t do laundry, and he only showered when he had sex with someone at their place. Even squirting  shampoo into his hands became a burden. He barely skyped with anyone, not even checking the Instagram posts Jonas was tagging him into. He didn’t pick up Edvard’s calls and he rolled his eyes when Mutta left him an actual voice message on Messenger claiming ‘to be worried’. He drank too much and he smoked too much, and by September 30th, he was positive he had made out with the entire gay population of Kongens Lyngby. 

He ran into Danish Mikael again in a bar one night. And it was the closest thing to happiness he had felt in a while. 

“Didn’t peg you as the type of guy who sleeps with people more than once,” Mikael laughed in his ear while Isak leaned in over the bar.

“May I remind that we did, in fact, fuck twice?” Isak smiled and raised his eyebrows when their eyes met.

“Consecutively,” Mikael leaned in even closer. “Doesn’t count.”

“I do recall undressing you twice. I think it counts.” 

They went back to Isak’s apartment and burst out laughing when they ran into his roommate Mette in the elevator, making her groan when she recognized Isak and slam the door behind her when they got inside, her long blonde hair the last thing registering in his mind. 

“She’s quite a bitch,” said Mikael while pressing kisses to his neck.

“She doesn’t like me very much,” Isak grinned. “She says I’m not tidy enough.”

It was true. Mette didn’t like him very much but he couldn’t really blame her. They had gotten along the very first week before she found out just how lazy and irresponsible he was, nearly smothering him every time he came home at four in the morning and woke her up.

“How about we put on a show for your lovely roommate?” Mikael smiled and wiggled his eyebrows.

They did put on quite a show, Mikael mostly. Moaning loud and clear and making sure that the bed hit the wall. It was obnoxious but it made Isak smile. At least he knew this guy’s name and that he was twenty years old. They didn’t know much about each other and Isak wanted to keep it that way. 

They had sex multiple times that night, sharing joints and shoving each other in bed between giggles. It was nice. It was so nice that when Mikael tried to leave, Isak’s hand curled around his forearm and he looked at him with big and sad eyes.

“Can you stay?” he asked with a voice that betrayed his faux-confidence so far. “Just tonight. Please? I’m having a real shit time. We don’t even have to touch. Just. I just don’t want to sleep alone tonight..”

“Yeah dude. Sure,” Mikael replied almost instantly.

.

“What’s his name?” Mikael whispered in the dark, laying beside him as far as the bed allowed.  _ No touching.  _

“Hm?”

“The guy you’re so fucked up over,” he added, both arms crossed under his own head. “Is it that Even guy?”

_ “This isn’t about him,”  _ Isak wanted to explain.  _ “This is me self-destructing like I do every year around this time. This isn’t about him.” _

“Yeah,” Isak replied instead. “His name is Even.”

“He sounds like a dick,” said Mikael. “No offense.” 

Isak felt like defending him. Like explaining that it was much more complicated than that. But what was the point. 

“Goodnight, Mikael.”

“Goodnight.”

.

**Now**

Isak woke up in panic and disarray, blinking fast and hard to make sense of his surroundings. He was in his small room in Kongens Lyngby, Denmark. And it was Mikael sleeping beside him.

The same dream, the one with Even at the airport still haunting him.  _ Shit.  _

“You okay?” Mikael asked.

“Go back to sleep,” Isak sighed, his cheeks flushed and embarrassment washing over him.  _ Did I say his name in my sleep? _

“I can, uh, I can hold you? We can cuddle, if you want?” Mikael asked tentatively. “You can pretend it’s him.”

“Go to sleep, Mikael.”

.

Isak felt so embarrassed that he left his own apartment around seven in the morning and hoped Mikael would take the hint and leave before he got back.  _ So much for being a detached badass.  _

Rita had left him a few messages here and there, asking about his whereabouts and why he was ditching their new favorite class. She also mentioned the party he had failed to show up to the night before. But Isak didn’t have the heart nor the energy to reply. He didn’t know how to say  _ “I don’t want to be around people I know. I just want flesh” _ . 

He picked a quiet spot in the library nearby, grateful that it was open so early on Sundays, and took a nap until 14:00. He had only intended on spending an hour or two there to give Mikael time to perhaps shower before leaving, but things didn’t quite go the way he wanted them to lately.

_ Shit. _

Isak walked back to his apartment feeling empty, ashamed, and drained. He checked his phone and he had two missed calls from Mutta and Jonas.  _ Whatever.  _ He shoved it back in his pocket and continued his stroll until he reached his apartment door. 

He opened the door as quietly as possible and walked on his tiptoes just in case Mikael was still there. He was going to have to ask Mette to kick him out if it was the case because he didn’t have the heart to confront anyone at the moment. He quickly noticed three extra pairs of shoes by the entrance and frowned to himself. He tried to recall what Mikael’s shoes looked like then realized that he had probably taken off his in his room so this was quite useless.

_ Who would visit the shrew?  _ He asked himself. He tolerated Mette half the time, but she made it difficult with her constant and pronounced dislike for him. Some days, he was convinced she was homophobic. Or at least that her Icelandic boyfriend was. Isak couldn’t even remember his name. And although he seemed nice enough, he still threw him looks every once in a while.  

Still, #IcelandicBoyfriend — as she tagged him on Instagram — was out of the country and Isak was left wondering who these three giant pairs of shoes belonged to, especially given how jealous and possessive Icelandic Boyfriend seemed over Mette. 

_ Who cares. _

Isak ran to his room on his tiptoes and was suddenly thankful for the long and awkward wall that separated the living room from his bedroom.  _ Phew.  _ Mikael wasn’t there. He had left a note on his bed with his phone number and Isak rolled his eyes before placing it on his nightstand. 

His room was all his. At last. Isak made a mental note to never ask anyone to spend the night ever again, then with a long awaited sigh, he stripped out of his clothes and slid under the sheets in nothing but his boxers.

“Isak!” Mette’s voice startled him just as he was about to close his eyes. She hadn’t even bothered knocking, the door flying open and hitting the wall in the process. 

“What the fuck?” Isak groaned, face still buried in his pillow. “Has it ever occurred to you to knock?!”

“Your boyfriends are here!” she replied with arms crossed over her chest.

“What?” Isak finally looked up properly. Was Mikael still here? “That guy is not my boyfriend.”

“Not talking about your fucktoy,” she rolled her eyes.

“Isak! What the fuck?!” a voice made everything in his brain halt for a moment because he was no longer sure where he was. 

_ What the- _

“Mutta?!” 

Isak didn’t really know what took over him. Perhaps, it was how his voice always reminded him of home. Or perhaps it was how he had been drowning in so much sorrow and sadness these past couple of weeks that he just needed someone to hold. Isak didn’t know. But he all but threw himself into Mutta’s arms in nothing but his boxers. 

He had no idea how Mutta was here right now and he probably smelled like he needed a long shower, but he didn’t care. He could have this. This was a gift from the universe and he was accepting it with open arms.

“Oh god. I missed you so much!” Isak sighed into his hair with his eyes closed, arms still wrapped around his neck. There was absolutely nothing sexual about it despite being shirtless but he felt loved and cared for. He felt the torrent in his heart dull ever so slightly. Just a bit. But it was enough. 

“You gonna leave some for us, or what?” another voice made him open his eyes and blink, and it belonged to one of his favorite people in the world. His hair still a mess, his eyebrows still thick and majestic.

_ Jonas.  _

_ And. _

_ Even. _

.

Isak hugged Jonas first, still shirtless. His heart tripped inside his chest and he could barely take in Even’s appearance, his eyes bouncing around the room to focus on something else while very well aware of Even’s intense stare on his body.  _ Why is he staring.  _

_ Shit. _

Isak awkwardly grabbed a crumpled t-shirt on the floor and quickly put it on. It was the Jesus t-shirt, the one he had worn the night he had gotten pounded against a wall.  _ Fuck.  _

Jonas and Mutta were cracking some awkward joke when Isak finally made his way over to Even who looked at him with thousands of questions in his eyes. _ Blue. Blue. Blue.  _ Isak was suddenly overwhelmed by all the blue.  _ Why are you here,  _ he wanted to ask so desperately. But he knew why. Of course, he knew why Even was there.

They hugged awkwardly, their chests barely touching, Isak barely registering his scent. Even politely tapped him on the back then was out of his hair in no time.  _ Very friendly,  _ Isak couldn’t help but think, still refusing to look at him properly, the awkward touch lingering on his back as if he had burned him. 

They had barely touched and this was nothing like their hugs at the airport, desperate and full of tears and gasps and kisses, so many kisses. Isak had thought his heart was about to burst inside his chest from all the dizzying kisses. Was it over? What they had? The hunger. The lust. The tenderness. Was it all gone now? 

_ I missed you the most.  _ Isak thought pathetically to himself.  _ I missed you and the pain that comes with longing for you the most.  _

.

“What the fuck, guys?!” Isak asked once they were done hugging and yelling.

“What the fuck, yourself,” said Jonas as he sat on his desk. “What’s this pigsty?” 

Isak blushed furiously at that because he was right. There were cans of Fanta everywhere on the floor. His clothes, socks, and underwear were mostly crumpled on the floor and his shoes were scattered around the room. It also kind of smelled bad. And he hadn’t taken out the trash in weeks. It was a proper mess and Isak suddenly found himself looking for used condoms on the floor.  _ Shit. _

“As if you’re doing any better,” Even replied, propped on the doorframe, probably because he could tell Isak was dying inside. “You wouldn’t clean if no one visited your place.”

“Nah. I think it’s just you, bro,” Jonas laughed. “I can’t live in a mess.”

“Give me a break!” Isak groaned, finally snapping out of his reverie. “What are you even doing here? It’s the middle of the semester. Are you crazy?”

“They wanted to pick up some Danish chicks,” Mutta shrugged, gesturing towards Jonas and Even who was now roaming the floor with his eyes.  _ Fuck. Stop looking at my messy floor. _

“We also missed you,” Jonas added. “You weren’t picking up. Thought you started doing drugs or selling your body or something.” 

Mutta nudged Jonas as if to say  _ shut up _ and Isak understood that they had talked about this, about him and that they had thought about what to reply to this question.

“No but really. This semester is intense and we thought it would be cool to come down here and surprise you,” Mutta lied to his face. “We’re all doing really well with our classes. Being gone three days won’t affect much.”

“How did you even get here?”

“We drove,” said Mutta. “Well. Even drove mostly cause it was his mother’s car. But yeah.” 

_ Even drove. _

“No I mean. How did you find out where I live?” Isak asked, feeling a little flustered because he didn’t understand.

“Edvard has your address,” said Jonas. “We knew he mailed you things cause Mikael won’t shut up about having to take him to the Post Office.” 

Isak sighed and buried his hands in his own hair, remembering all the nice and thoughtful things Edvard and Helga mailed him every once in a while, and wishing the boys could just leave because he was beyond embarrassed of his living situation.

“Hey, it’s chill,” said Mutta with a hand curling around the back of his neck. “We’ll leave and give you time to clean up a bit. I would have told you we were coming but you weren’t picking up.” 

“We can meet in an hour or so? Go to a bar or something? We booked an airbnb so we can just hang out there,” Jonas added very enthusiastically. It was funny how his most sensible friends had made the trip. No one to really call him out on his bullshit. 

“Yeah, your roommate didn’t look very excited when we knocked,” Mutta chuckled.

“She’s such a stuck-up bitch,” Isak sighed then leaned into Mutta’s touch before realizing he was in the presence of Mr. Social Justice.

“Not cool,” said Even as if he couldn’t help himself. 

_ Oh fuck you. _

“Calling a girl a bitch is kinda sexist now,” Jonas added as if to shift the attention back to himself. 

“Oh, let me live!” Isak groaned and then they all laughed.

At one point, Isak noticed Even pretending to have dropped something and his eyes followed his movements until he picked up a used condom and threw it in the trash without the boys noticing. Isak wanted to  _ die.  _

He kept waiting for him to comment on it, but Even never did. He just stood there and avoided his gaze the entire time, smiling awkwardly at Mutta and Jonas’ jokes. And Isak could feel anger build up inside his chest. He could feel his resentment bubbling up.  _ Why are you here?  _ He almost wanted to yell. 

Mutta and Jonas? He understood. They had never lost touch and they spoke constantly. Isak was comfortable around them. But why did Even show up when Isak had made it very clear that he did not want to see him? Why was he here making him feel like the lowest form of scum on the surface of the planet? Why was he here picking up his used condoms and throwing them in the trash with pity and what looked like disgust in his eyes?

Isak didn’t want his pity. Isak didn’t need to feel even more ashamed than he already did. He didn’t need him to take on this lighthearted tone and pretend to laugh at Mutta and Jonas’ jokes when he was clearly wincing, clearly wishing he were anywhere but here. Isak didn’t want this. He didn’t want his grand declarations, and his stupid hands, and his stupid mouth, and his stupid blue hair. And-

Isak stopped his angry monologue, his fists finally unclenching, his teeth no longer gritting. He let out a breath he had no idea he was holding and finally opened his eyes to see. Even’s hair was blue. Like the sky he thought of when things got rough. Like the comforter he wrapped around himself late at night when he couldn’t sleep. Like his favorite notebook that made him feel more productive and that he reserved for his favorite classes. Like his favorite hoodie that wrapped around his chest and felt like a hug. Even’s hair was  _ blue.  _ Like his eyes. Like Isak’s heart. Like Isak’s mind.  _ Blue.  _

“Bro, why the hell is Mutta your lock screen?” Jonas broke into laughter when Isak accidentally tapped the screen in the middle of his nonsensical train of thought. 

_ Shit. _

* * *

 

**Boys boys boys**

**16:03**

Mutta: Elias remember when you said Isak didn’t miss me the most

Elias: yeah

Elias: how’s Isak btw?

Elias: i still feel like shit i couldn’t join

Mikael: everybody knows he missed ME the most

Adam: shut up he never picked up any of your calls

Sonja: the name of this chat is very SEXIST

Magnus: sounds like a song playing in isak’s head

Jonas: shut up Mags

Jonas: Isak says hi

Elias: did you ask him who he missed the most?

Elias: i bet he said Edvard

Adam: Even*

Mutta:    


Elias: wtf mutta

Jonas: it’s actually Isak’s lockscreen

Adam:    


Mikael: wait what

Sonja: did i miss an episode

Magnus: Isak is in LOVE WITH MUTTA???

Magnus: what a PLOT TWIST holy shit

Shut UP

Mutta:    


It was dumb i forgot to change it

It’s just for when old creepy dudes tried to talk to me

Adam: you should have put Even’s picture at least

Adam: more believable. LOL

**Mutta dropped Adam from this chat**

* * *

“Where do you even hang out for old creepy dudes to be hovering around you?” Mutta asked playfully as Isak walked them to the door.

He quickly dropped it when Isak blinked at him like a deer caught in headlights. Isak couldn’t help it but he was now imagining the boys finding out about what he had been up to. All the men, and the boys, and the sex, and the lies. He could almost feel the blood drain from his face at the idea of one of them hearing about how he had had his face roughly shaved against a wall and-

“We should go,” Even quickly interjected. “We all have to shower and you know how Jonas takes hours.” 

“Bro, have you seen my hair? I gotta make sure it’s thoroughly clean, you know,” Jonas laughed. 

And just like that, they were out of his apartment, the silence feeling like a sharp tug at his heart. He was humiliated.‘Happy Isak in Denmark’ was a myth and they now knew it. 

Three more days. It was just three more days.  _ Rehearse the pain to dull the pain. Rehearse the pain to dull the pain. _

.

Isak took a quick shower and did his best to clean his room. He mostly misplaced the mess, hiding things in container and wherever he could find some space. He felt proud of getting rid of the Fanta cans at least.  _ Fucking Fanta cans.  _ He sprayed some of Mette’s perfume — though he suspected she wouldn’t be too happy about that — and put on clean clothes that were still in his half-unpacked suitcase. He put on a snapback to hide the fact that he was in terrible need of a haircut, took the piece of paper with Mikael’s number and shoved it in his back-pocket, then finally braved the night. 

.

Jonas picked a rather hipster bar, as expected, and Isak almost felt weird in his snapback. His heart got stuck in his throat the moment his eyes landed on Even. And for some reason, Even didn’t look away this time around, the intensity in his eyes probing visual lovemaking. Isak couldn’t help but blush because Even was looking at him the way those strangers in those bars did. 

_ Get a grip. He probably just misses being needed and wanted. _

He looked around to scan the venue and was quite surprised to find himself enjoying the company. He had never been to this bar before, and it was filled with university students and people their age. It also had communal tables and the guys quickly made their way to a rather promising one. 

It was nice, being surrounded by his best friends, and the beer wasn’t half as bad either. Isak couldn’t help but wonder if his exchange experience would have been different if a friend had joined him and forced him out of whatever hell he was digging himself into.

Jonas left his seat to chat up some random girl at the end of the table — and leaving an awkward blank space between Even and him — when Isak realized that  _ Jonas was chatting up some random girl?  _

“Eva and he broke up a couple of months ago,” Even explained, scooting closer so that it wasn’t too loud.

“What?!” Isak frowned. 

“Yup,” Even shrugged. “Don’t know the details but he was kind of down for a little while.”

“Seriously?” Isak asked again, his mouth probably hanging open. He couldn’t believe it. Jonas hadn’t mentioned anything at all.

“Yeah,” said Even, bringing his beer back to his lips. He was drinking but Isak could tell he was doing so moderately.

“Shit. He didn’t tell me.”

“He probably didn’t want you to be worried,” said Even. “Besides, I’m sure they’ll eventually get back together. They were probably in a slump or something.”  

_ Bullshit. _

Isak turned his attention back to his beer, wondering where the hell Mutta went, and if the boys were doing this on purpose to get him to talk to Even. 

“They were so in love,” Isak mused, feeling a bit vulnerable but figuring that the loud music was going to make his words less pathetic. “It’s crazy.”

“I’m sure they still are,” Even replied, his knee slightly nudging Isak’s in a seemingly unintentional touch judging by his reaction, quickly moving away as if the mere contact had burned him. 

Everything Even did hurt him. Whether he was looking at him, or talking about Eva and Jonas, or touching his knee, or having a crisis following touching his knee. It all hurt. 

“I don’t think you ever stop loving someone,” Even spoke carefully, his hands both holding his beer over the table. “You just kind of learn how to live without them. Then if it’s right, if you’re right together, you allow them into your life again.”

Isak’s hands turned into fists and the pop music blasting through the speakers wasn’t doing anything to tame the flames soaring in his heart. Even was hurting him. Again. After all this time. He was here, hurting him. 

“Why are you here, Even?” Isak bit back, his voice betraying his cool demeanor. He was so angry, he could burst. “Why did you come here?” 

“Because I’m worried about you,” Even replied immediately, as if he were ready for this, as if he knew he was ultimately going to get Isak to crack. “This isn’t about me. I just want to make sure you’re alright.”

“I was perfectly fine before you fucking showed up out of nowhere!” Isak almost barked in his face.

“Clearly!” Even huffed with just as much fire. “I mean we got a good look of just how perfectly fine you are at the flat earlier.”

_ How dare you _

“Fuck you, Even!” Isak shouted before leaving their bench and pushing the table like some five year old throwing a tantrum.

“Well, that didn’t take long,” Mutta awkwardly sighed when Isak passed him on his way to the bathroom. 

_ Fuck this shit! _

He had barely splashed his face with water once when the door flew open and Isak’s brain was back to only registering  _ blue, blue, blue.  _

“Go away, Even,” he muttered while drying his hands. “I don’t want to do this right now.”

“You know I’m here for you, right?” Even wasn’t here to fight. Even was here to make him feel like  _ shit.  _ And Isak wasn’t here for it. 

“Save it,” he rolled his eyes before turning around and heading for the door.

_ He won’t stop me. He won’t dare. _

Many things must have happened with Even during those months, because for the first time in a while, Isak was wrong about him. He was so wrong that his brain barely registered Even’s hand locking around his wrist and pushing him against the wall right by the door. He was so wrong that he failed to anticipate the jolt going through his body when it was finally trapped against Even’s. He was wrong. So wrong. 

Isak was bordering insanity because he almost felt like grinding against his leg.  _ Almost. _

_ God. Fuck you! _

“Let go of me!” he glared with a shaky voice.

“Then stop running.”

“Fuck you!” Isak tried to wriggle out of his ruthless hold, in vain. All the workouts in the world proved vain when his heart was at his throat. “What do you want from me, you fucking psycho?!” he blurted out then immediately bit his tongue, the words in his mouth not his own. He could barely recognize himself. He would never say such things to Even. Ever.  

“Why do you have bruises on your body?” Even ignored his cruel words and came up with his own instead. It felt like sharp knives to the heart, like the hardest slap, even harder that the ones his mother used to inflict upon him. His voice was unwavering, cool, deep, cutting. 

Isak had been shirtless in his room earlier and Even had stared at his body for so long before he put on a shirt. Of course he had noticed. 

Isak was suddenly overwhelmed by the urge to simply sob, his eyes stinging with wetness begging to roll down his cheeks. He hadn’t sobbed in so long. Isak wanted nothing more but to afford the luxury of crying. 

He had never felt this hurt and powerless before. Not even when Even had cornered him in his room at age Seventeen to teach him about condoms and safe sex. Not even when he had straddled him on his birthday and asked him ‘to fuck him’ in the most cruel of ways. Isak had never felt this humiliated before. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Isak challenged him and lied to his face with tears in his eyes instead. 

_ He will drop this. He always knows when he’s hurting me. He won’t push. He will- _

Isak yelped in pain when Even’s hands found his waist below his shirt and squeezed right above his most prominent bruises. It could have hurt more, Isak knew it. Even wasn’t doing this to physically hurt him. He was doing this to prove a point. 

“These bruises,” Even breathed with big sad eyes as if he had somehow hoped Isak wasn’t that hurt, that he was wrong after all.

“Let go of me, Even!” Isak shoved him on the chest while Even held onto his skin, still pressing.

“Who did this to you?”  

“Fuck off!”

“Isak-”

“You’re fucking hurting me!” Isak finally cried, his voice breaking at the end of the last words, cracking, completely humiliated.

Even let go of him almost instantly, as if he had finally snapped out of a trance, his eyes wide and blue and apologetic, his hands hovering above Isak’s body as if he had no idea what to do with them.

“Isak, oh my god-”

“I hate you!” Isak shouted again. “I hate you so much! All you do is fucking hurt me”

“I’m sorry. I never meant-”

Isak shoved him to the side with everything he had in him. He didn’t want to listen to whatever  _ noble bullshit  _ he still had in store for him. He really didn’t. 

And the truth was that Isak should have probably left right then and there. Even looked shocked and hurt and out of breath, and they could have left it at that. But no. Isak saw an opening and seized it. He just went for it because he was already hurting so  _ might as well _ . 

“You never loved me, Even. And it’s fine. Really, it’s chill. You’re not the first person I’ve loved who hasn’t loved me back and you know that. My dad fucking left and my mom thinks I’m fucking Satan. And the one person who actually loved me unconditionally fucking died. I’m used to not being loved, Even. I’m used to people fucking leaving me and abandoning me and seeing me as a burden. I’m used to not receiving as much as I give. It’s all good. It’s chill. 

But all these people who never bothered loving me actually gave me a fucking break, you see. They all just left my life. They all just fucked off. But not you. No. You’re still around. You still drive six hours just to make me feel like shit. You still touch me like you own me and get angry at the thought of anyone else having me. You literally smother me. You’re like fucking cancer, killing me from the inside and just fucking with my DNA. 

And you don’t get it! You don’t see how much I’m hurting. You don’t see how your simple presence is killing me. You don’t see it because you don’t understand. Because you don’t know what it feels like to love someone so much and them not loving you back. You accept it for a little while but then you start blaming yourself. You just start wondering, why not? What’s so fucking wrong with me that he won’t love me? Why aren’t I enough? Why am I such a piece of shit? Why am I so unlovable? Why does nobody want me? I just somebody to want me, Even! 

So just like my mom, just like my dad, you keep reminding me that it’s all my fault that I’m so fucking lonely. It’s all my fault nobody will ever want me! It’s all me.”

Isak wasn’t even crying but his heart was leaking everywhere. He was no longer seeing blue. No, just red. Only red.

“So no, Even. It’s not true that you never really stop loving someone,” Isak breathed through his nose, his hands shaking, everything in him shaking. “Because I sure as hell don’t fucking love you anymore.” 

.

Isak left the bar without looking back. Mutta and Jonas were awkwardly standing by the bathroom door as if they were trying to block anyone from going in and interrupting the mess that had just gone down inside. And honestly, Isak couldn’t even breathe, let alone say something coherent to the boys. So he just walked and walked and walked, until he could attribute his ragged breathing to the fact that he was walking too fast and not to the venom he had just spewed to Even’s face in a public bathroom.

His anger stayed with him until he reached his apartment, until he stripped out of his own clothes and lay there dry heaving in his sheets.

_ God.  _

.

Isak had never been this angry at Even before, and part of him wondered if his wrath was misplaced. He had never broken down about his overall feelings about being worthless and being unloved by his mother and his father before. Every nervous meltdown he had ever gone through was always related to Even. It was almost as if he was the only person who could get rage to manifest out of his body and not stay all bottled up inside his chest.

Part of him wondered if Even knew what he was doing, literally pushing his buttons in that bathroom. Part of him wondered if Even was taking any of what he said to heart. 

It took a few hours, but Isak did reach the guilt stage. It was so consuming and overwhelming that it left him feeling breathless and in total panic, immediately reaching for his phone to ask Mutta how Even was holding up. 

“He’s fine. Don’t worry about him. He knows you didn’t mean it.” Mutta’s voice was kind through the phone. It was probably why he picked up his calls the most. “We know it’s not an easy time of the year for you. It’s fine, Isak. I hope you know that.”

Isak barely slept that night. 

.

Mette gave him a look when he left his room at seven in the morning and he did his best to ignore her. He was waiting for her to wake up to clean the bathroom and she spent a good minute just staring at him when he put the rubber gloves on. 

“Do you even know how to use that?” she asked with a cocked eyebrow when she saw him reach for cleaning supplies.

“Piss off, Mette. I’m trying to clean for once,” he rolled his eyes.

“We should have had your friends over earlier then,” she mused before making her way back to her room.

Isak took out the trash, swept the floor, and actually did laundry. And by noon, he felt like a new person. He had lunch with Mutta and Jonas and put on the most painful smile on his face, not even asking about Even’s whereabouts. He just wanted this day to be over already. He would have skipped on them, too. But Isak knew how much it would hurt Mutta, especially today given that he had traveled from so far just to see him. 

He scrolled down Grindr in the afternoon and chatted with a few guys before settling on one in particular while Jonas and Mutta marveled at how clean his place looked. 

“Did you hire someone between yesterday and today?” Jonas asked while Mutta looked like he knew. 

He waited until they got engrossed while playing Battlefield on Mette’s PlayStation before declaring that he was leaving for an hour. He spared them the details but Jonas seemed to know where he was headed.

He felt a bit dirty and horrible for doing this but whatever. The guy was inexperienced and clumsy and Isak left after a quick blowjob. No harm in that. When he got back home, Jonas and Mutta were still there and they had ordered pizza and rented a movie. The Shrew was somehow also on board and she barely groaned when Isak sat down on the couch.

“What did you do to her?” Isak asked with a smile, then winced in pain when she kicked him with her foot. 

“Just shut up and watch the movie,” she rolled her eyes.

“What are we watching?” Isak asked as he squeezed himself between Jonas and Mutta.

“Well, we always watch shitty macho crap. And since this is about you, we decided to watch a gay movie for once,” said Mutta.

“A gay movie?!” Isak grimaced. “Not even I watch gay movies. Are you insane?” 

“It’s a great movie. Shut up!” Mette groaned around a mouthful of popcorn.

“ _ She _ picked it?!” Isak scoffed.

“No relax. She just happens to have watched it before. Just chill. It’s two hours. You won’t die,” said Jonas.

“TWO HOURS?! I don’t have the attention span for some long ass gay movie. Are you shitting me? What is it called? Brokeback Mountains or something?”

“No,” Mette interrupted him with yet another eyeroll. “It’s ‘Call Me By Your Name’”.

.

Isak had to dig his nails into his palms through most of the movie. At first, it was because he was watching a movie about a boy falling in love with a man with two of his best friends who both happened to be very straight. That had never happened to him before. Isak always projected this image of himself that stripped him of vulnerabilities he typically associated with  his own sexuality. He was gay but he didn’t need to watch gay movies, especially not with his straight friends. 

But as the movie progressed, Isak found himself digging his nails into his flesh for other reasons. He was uncomfortable. Not because of the more explicit scene themselves but because of the raw emotions they awoke inside of him. Desire and lust, but never void of emotion and tenderness. It wasn’t meaningless attraction. It was an attraction in their bodies, and minds, and hearts. And Isak found that beautiful. Every time the main character threw himself at the older man, Isak’s heart skipped a beat because  _ yes, been there, done that.  _

He, too, had loved with no care in the world. Given up his body because it felt right, because he couldn’t think of anything else he wanted more in that moment, because he felt like he would die if he didn’t have  _ him. _ He, too, had sighed into the mouth of the man he loved, moaning with no reserve, crying with no shame. He, too, had felt it. The intensity of a love that couldn’t be contained in one heart and either had to be shared or ended up flowing and leaking everywhere. He, too, had been blinded by love and for love.  _ Me too. _

_ Even.  _

Isak’s throat hurt when they separated at the train station, and his heart burned with jealousy at how supportive and wonderful the main character’s parents were. If anything, he couldn’t relate to that. And he finally shed tears during his father’s speech, because he couldn’t help but picture how different his life would have been if he had had such accepting parents. Who knew. 

It all hurt but it felt like a hug, nonetheless. 

“Who picked the movie?” he asked when the movie ended and Mutta had to dry his tears in Jonas’ hoodie.

“Even,” said Jonas. “Even picked it. Also did that guy seriously fuck a peach?”

.

Isak excused himself to the bathroom until the urge to sob left his bones.  _ Not tonight. Not today.  _

“I have an early class tomorrow, so I should go to bed early,” Isak lied. 

“Yeah, man. Of course.”

.

Isak ventured the city with his hands in his pockets around 22:00. His heart was still beating fast after the movie and he was absurdly close to texting Even, typing out various messages and then deleting them. He didn’t know what he wanted to say but he didn’t want to leave things this way.

Isak ended up texting Danish Mikael instead. He wanted to kiss a man tonight, an actual real and deep kiss. A kiss for the sake of kissing. The same way the two main characters in the movie had kissed against a wall, so intimate and dizzying that Isak had felt it in his stomach. And Isak picked Danish Mikael because he felt as though he had deserved it.

.

The bar was rather full for a Tuesday and it didn’t take long for Isak to feel a bit drunk. It was nice, Mikael’s hands on his hips. He didn’t even have to take out his phone and put Mutta as his lock screen again. He was spoken for tonight. 

“Adrian,” Mikael nudged him again after he failed to get his attention the first time. 

_ Shit. _

Isak had never bothered telling him real name and he was starting to feel bad.

“Yeah?” Isak smiled, his hand coming up to run through Mikael’s short hair. He almost winced because he almost had none. “What kind of gay has a buzzcut, by the way?”

“What can I say? I’m not like the other gays, Adrian.”

Isak laughed then downed two more drinks to muffle the guilt settling at the pit of his stomach. He didn't owe Mikael anything. Not his name, not nothing. 

* * *

**Mette**

**22:29**

Your boyfriend asked for which bar you go to btw

Just a heads up

?

Mikael? 

Not my boyfriend

No the other one

The norwegian guy

Mutta’s not my boyfriend

I told u i just use him as a lockscreen

Your ex or whatever

The blonde one

Even

I only know cause i had to drag your drunk ass back home the other day

Rita told me he's your ex

Karma bitch

* * *

Isak looked up from his screen and scanned the crowd with wide eyes and short breaths.  _ What the fuck. _

“You okay?” said Mikael with a hand on his neck.

“I’m chill.”

But Isak wasn’t chill. Isak was the furthest thing from chill. The last thing he wanted was for Even to cause a scene in the middle of his go-to gay bar. Was he anticipating another meltdown because it was October 2nd? Isak was fine. He was just fine.

“There’s a guy staring at us and I’m not sure if he wants you or me,” Mikael snapped him back to reality with a playful tone.

“What?!” Isak frowned. 

“Over there,” Mikael gestured with his chin. “He’s fucking hot, too.”

Isak took a moment to take him in. His blue hair in a perfect and gravity defying quiff, white t-shirt pressing against his chest muscles, dark skinny jeans, and piercing blue eyes. It was Isak’s favorite look on him. His absolute favorite and Even knew it. 

“Shit, he’s really looking at us,” Mikael laughed nervously. “Is he for real?”

Isak went silent beside him, the loud music barely registering in his head. It was some EDM song Sigve constantly played in his room, and Isak wasn’t sure which one but the lyrics were playing with his mind right now.

**Now Playing: CAZZETTE ft The High - Sleepless**

__ It kills my heart to see   
Your eyes are no longer on me   
It's critical to me   
You stop messing with me

__ It kills my heart to know   
You don't think this love could grow   
'Cause anywhere you'd go   
You know I would follow

_ 'Cause I'm sleepless about you   
Sleepless about you _

. 

Even’s eyes were relentless and unwavering, staring at him with an intensity Isak never knew how to handle. He didn’t know how to function when Even looked at him with both tenderness and lust. Isak could never never set the two apart.  _ Which one is it, Bech N _ _ æsheim?  _

Isak would have crumbled otherwise. But the alcohol in his blood was sweet and comforting. The anxiousness in his chest quickly turning into something devious.  _ I won’t break. No. _

“You know that guy?” Mikael asked.

“No,” Isak replied immediately, his eyes boring into Even’s across the room as he put a hand on Mikael’s shoulder right where his neck ended.

“Maybe you hooked up with him and forgot?” Mikael insisted. “He’s looking at you like he’s seen you naked before.” 

“Shut up,” Isak shut him down because the last thing he needed to be thinking about right now was  _ that. _

“I’m just saying. It’s kinda hot. The way he’s looking at you. I mean. Wish it was for me.” 

“Maybe it is,” Isak replied without really looking at him, still busy having a staring contest with Even. 

_ I can play games, too. _

“You think?” Mikael chuckled, looking a bit stupid and naive all of a second. 

“Maybe it’s for both of us,” Isak winked before grabbing his face in both hands then whispering, “Kiss me.”   

“What? For real?” Mikael blinked at him in disbelief. 

“Let’s put on a show. Shall we?” 

**.**

Mikael’s kisses weren’t for the movies. Mikael kissed like he didn’t know what to do with his tongue, like he didn’t know what to do with his teeth. Or perhaps it was just nerves. Isak didn’t know. All he knew was that this was a lousy kiss and that he wasn’t feeling anything. The kiss he so desperately craved wasn’t this one. It wasn’t with him. 

He shoved Mikael gently until he opened his eyes and laughed. 

“That was pretty shit.”

“It was,” Isak laughed, too. 

Then when he leaned over, he saw Even watching. His eyes still blue and wide. Someone had handed him a drink but he wasn’t having it. He was watching, unphased by Isak’s shenanigans. It was a petty attempt at making him see that he was over him. But clearly, it hadn’t worked. It only made Isak ache for him more. 

“He looks into it,” Mikael laughed, raising his eyebrows. “You think he’d be game?”

“Huh?” Isak frowned. “Game for what? Watching us go at it?” 

“Nah. The real stuff.”

“Uh. Are you- What? You mean joining us?” Isak blinked at  him.

“What? You never had a threesome before? What kind of gay are you?” Mikael chuckled, bringing back his earlier joke.

Isak was drunk but he wasn’t that drunk. Besides, there was no way he could even picture Even playing along. He would probably throw a fit and shove Isak in a cab. Isak was family after all. He could throw the most vicious words at his face and Even would still make sure he got home safe. 

“I’m going in,” said Mikael.

“What?”

“It’s time you get more experience, man.” 

And with that, he left the bar and made his way to Even with absolutely no consideration for how Isak felt.  _ Of course.  _ Mikael would drop him in a heartbeat for Even after all.  _ Look at him.  _ Everyone always wanted Even after all. 

He downed two more shots while he watched Even’s exchange with stupid Mikael. He waited for the sudden change in his expression.  _ Would he throw a punch? Probably not.  _

.

“This is my boyfriend, Adrian. Adrian, this is Even,” said Mikael with the widest grin he had ever seen plastered on his face and Isak was positive he was going to die, right here, right now.

“Nice to meet you, Adrian,” said Even while extending his right hand. “I’m Even.” 

His hand was big and warm and Isak realized it was his first time actually touching him after all this time.  _ What are you playing?  _ He almost dug his nails into his hand because he was seething. He was so angry that he barely worried about Mikael realizing that this Even was in fact _his_ Even. 

Because this wasn’t them. What was this?  _ Are you really willing to share me with some stranger? _

“Likewise,” Isak huffed out after a pregnant pause. 

_ Strangers. _

.

**Now Playing: Astrid S - Bloodstream**

They got a few more rounds and drank until Isak’s head was spinning, until he could no longer register much but Even’s strong scent and Mikael’s hands on his neck, until the music was flowing in his bloodstream, until he closed his eyes and threw his head backwards.  _ Yes.  _

They were dancing, that much he could make out. He wasn’t much of a dancer but he couldn’t help it when he was euphoric. He pulled Mikael closer until their chests were touching and nearly choked on his tongue when he felt Even behind him, making him dizzy with  want without even touching him. 

They danced until Mikael leaned over and kissed him on the mouth, and he tasted like nothing, absolutely nothing. Isak was about to break the kiss when he jolted at the feeling of Even’s hands on his hips. A ghost of a touch at first then grabbing him almost desperately. It was so overwhelming that Isak opened his mouth and sighed against Mikael’s.  _ Shit.  _

Even was right there, watching another guy kissing him and he wasn’t doing a damn thing to stop it. It was almost riveting. His hands remained there until Isak decided to push back, to grind back, just to get a reaction out of him. He was both thrilled and devastated that Even was allowing this to happen. He was both glad that Even wasn’t treating him like his property and completely heartbroken that he wasn’t as hurt as he was by this whole thing. 

It all got so much that Isak dragged himself out of the pair and dragged them both by the hand to the nearest private bathroom with tears at the corner of his eyes.

_ This cannot be happening. This can’t be happening. This is not happening. _

Mikael unbuttoned Isak’s jeans and kissed his neck, moaning his fake name over and over again, peeling a little bit more of him each time.  _ Adrian. Adrian. Adrian. _

And Isak let him, turning incredibly pliant and obedient. He was absolutely crushed and he couldn’t do much but stare at Even. _ Are you just gonna let this happen? _

And Even did. He just stood there looking as dead inside as Isak felt, looking as though a torrent was tearing him apart as well. He wondered if the same phrases were playing in his head.  _ This cannot be happening. Do you really want this? What the fuck is this? _

Isak was suddenly reminded of that stupid quote from the movie.  _ To speak or to die?  _ Isak felt like dying either way.

“Kiss him,” Mikael instructed Even, leaving both of them dumb with fear while Isak’s jeans hugged his ankles. He felt so drunk and so dumb and so ashamed that he couldn’t even imagine waking up the next day. 

“I-” Even swallowed.

“I know he’s my boyfriend but you can kiss him,” said Mikael, his mouth almost watering. And Isak started wondering if he was the only one getting his fantasies fulfilled tonight, too eager, completely disregarding Isak’s feelings. 

“Your boyfriend,” Even breathed while continuing to stare at Isak. “Adrian.” 

_ Don’t fucking call me that. It’s me! Isak!  _

Isak was now shaking against the wall and he wanted to cry but he couldn’t afford to. He was shaking with fear but mostly with anger. Even was right. Isak had absolutely no idea what he wanted from him. He didn’t know if he wanted him to punch Mikael in the face for putting him through this when he was clearly shitfaced and uncomfortable, or if he wanted him to go along with it, or if he wanted him to just leave. Isak had no idea.

“Adrian,” Even repeated, stepping closer into his personal space, his voice even deeper, his eyes even more piercing. Isak felt like combusting right then and there with Even looking down at him while he remained pressed against the wall.

_ Call me by MY name! _

Then when Even suddenly crouched in front of him, Isak’s heart dropped in his chest because,  _ Please don’t do this to me. Please don’t break me.  _

He almost uttered the words when Even’s hands circles his ankles and pulled his jeans up his thighs. Isak could barely compute the gesture, his brain immediately blanking out before Even even managed to get the pants up to his hips. 

“What are you doing?” Mikael asked behind them, obviously confused by Even dressing Isak instead of shedding off more layers.

“Adrian,” Even ignored him, continuing his dexterous work and buttoning Isak’s jeans without looking down, his eyes never leaving Isak’s as if to say,  _ ‘It’s okay. This is okay. Nothing happened.’ _

Isak could feel himself falter at his tenderness. He had been nothing but horrible to him ever since he got there and Even was treating with utter kindness and empathy. 

“Adrian,” he repeated again once his hands left his jeans alone and came up to cup his face with  both hands. “Adrian.” 

“Even-” Isak mouthed with quivering lips because he wanted to bawl, feeling empty and broken and ashamed. “Even. I’m so sorry.”

Even kissed his wet eyelids, both of them, slowly, so slowly that Isak was left panting against the wall at the softness.   

“Even-”

“Isak,” Even finally breathed his name just as his hands found his waist, his touch gentle, so gentle.

“Even.”

“Isak,” Even repeated, making his name sound like a prayer. “Isak. Isak. Isak. Isak.”

And when Even finally embraced him, when he finally took him in his arms and made Isak stand on his tiptoes, his chin hooked over Even’s shoulder and his hands finding a home around his neck, Isak all but melted into his chest. Sighing out loud as if the weight of the world had finally gotten lifted off his shoulders, his mouth falling open and his eyes fluttering close, his heart finally,  _ finally,  _ at ease. 

“Even, I can’t breathe,” Isak begged. “Help me breathe.” 

Even hugged him as if he were falling apart, and Isak was. Undeniably so, too. He was crumbling, dissolving in his embrace with no resistance. Completely and wholeheartedly. Turning soft and pliant because his body had wanted this for so long. For so damn long. To belong. To fit in. Like two yin yang pieces, simply fitting. Isak could almost hear the click in his head. Their bodies just clicked. Always. Isak never clicked with anyone else.

Even put him back down and the soles of Isak’s feet burned when they reached the floor. It was almost sobering to be held like that after months of no contact. Still, Isak didn’t let go. Isak crumbled. Isak sobbed against his shoulder in a sketchy bathroom in a pathetic bar. He held on so desperately that he was positive he was hurting him from the sheer force of his embrace. But Isak couldn’t compute much. All he knew was that everything was hurting. Everything.

“What the hell is going on?” Mikael muttered.

“Fuck off, Mikael!” Even almost growled, still holding him. “Get the fuck out before I lose it, you piece of shit!”

The door closed behind him and Isak almost latched onto Even, his whole being throbbing with the need to be held and touched and squeezed. He felt disoriented for a second when Even moved them in the dimly lit bathroom, but Isak quickly realized that it was because he had locked the door. Even then sat down on the toilet seat and pulled him onto his lap, inviting him to curl around him. They didn’t even speak a word to each other, Isak immediately wrapping both legs around Even’s thighs, locking his arms around his neck, and burying his face into his neck, while Even held him just as tightly. 

It was absurd but it was what they were, what they did. And once again, on October 2nd, Even  had found a way to wrap him in the tightest hug on the death anniversary of his sister Lea. Only this time, Isak had sunk even lower than most years, and only Even had noticed.

.

Once his breathing evened out, Isak got back to feeling ashamed, to not trusting his knees to support him after Even helped both of them to their feet and decided to completely let go. So he held on a bit longer until he could feel the brush of Even’s lips against his cheek, right above his jaw. It was just a brush. Fleeting, there one moment and then a ghost of a touch the next. As if Even had promised himself not to touch but couldn’t help it. It felt like a mistake on Even’s part. A mistake. A sweet mistake that lingered on Isak’s skin for hours, like an invisible mark.

.

They cuddled on the taxi and they cuddled on Isak’s bed until he no longer felt ashamed, until he could breathe again, until his mind cleared a bit, just a bit, until Even’s hands in his hair simply felt  _ good,  _ until his anxiety and self-destructive thoughts started leaving him. Isak was okay. They were okay.

“You traded the king sized bed for this shit?” Even joked, his long fingers in his locks soothing, so soothing.

“She blames me for her death, you know?” Isak choked up because it was true. Because he remembered the slaps so acutely now after all the pain he had made himself go through.

“Isak-”

“She does, Even. That’s why she won’t look me in the eyes. My mother.” 

“Isak, you had nothing to do with Lea’s death. You were a child,” Even insisted, now propping his head on his hand, a concerned look on his face. 

“Still, she told me multiple times that if someone had to die, it should have been me, not her,” he huffed bitterly and the words hurt in his throat. “She hit me so many times and I always thought  I deserved it, you know. I was so convinced that I had to at least be grateful because I was alive. And I’ve been doing the weirdest shit with men around town like some lunatic. All these bruises, I practically asked for. And I’m sorry I made it about you because it never was. It was her and me. And how much she made me hate myself and think that I deserved to get hurt. And then when dad left because he missed Lea too much, I just figured I deserved it, too. That I wasn’t enough for him. Cause I’m never enough for anyone.”

“Isak, please-”

“I mean why did she have to die and I got to live? Right? I can’t help but think that that’s why they won’t love me. And I can’t even blame them you know? Because they’re right. She was perfect. And I, I turned out like this.” 

“What are you talking about? You’re perfect. What do you mean you turned out like this? Like what?”

“Gay,” he choked up. “No self-worth, no aspirations, no goals. Selfish and self-absorbed and weak. So weak and weird and just so fucked up.”

_ Fuck.  _ It hurt.

“To me, you are perfect. You’re not fucked up. And they love you. I know they do.”

Even held him that night. All night. And while he didn’t heal him or his heart. He still made him utter the words he had kept caged in for so long. 

.

The following day, Isak woke up in Even’s arms. And when his chest started heaving because recollections of the previous night were suddenly flooding his brain, Even held him and repeated the words Isak had once offered him. 

“Nothing happened, Isak. Nothing happened. Don’t worry.”

Even made him breakfast and borrowed once of Isak’s t-shirts and he looked so good in it that Isak couldn’t help but sit and simply watch him. Mette joined around 10 in the morning and gave both of them a look. However, she didn’t make it as awkward as she could have.

“I like this one better,” she eventually spoke, making Isak choke on his eggs. “That Mikael guy  was weird. I had to kick him out the other day when you walked out on him.”

Isak dreaded Even’s reaction but he simply laughed, shining like the sun in the middle of his kitchen. 

“You have no idea how good it felt to tell him to fuck off last night,” Even grinned, all teeth and crinkles.

“Is it because of his name was Mikael?” Isak attempted a joke, just to see.

“I almost died when he told me his name. I hope you haven’t told Norwegian Mikael yet. I want to see his dumb face.” 

“Even, I swear to God, I will kill you if you tell anyone I hooked up with someone named Mikael!” Isak frowned then burst into laughter too, because he could.

It was so nice to just laugh in his own kitchen.

.

“Was he really your boyfriend?” Even asked during their stroll in a park near Isak’s apartment.

“No,” Isak smiled. “It was like my third time seeing him. Didn’t even give him my real name.” 

“I see.”

“I was just lashing out. I don’t know. I’m sorry,” he mumbled while looking at his feet because he was feeling suddenly very sheepish.

“Don’t be sorry,” Even smiled. “If anything I’m sorry for  _ you.  _ That was some awful kissing back there.” 

“Shut up!” Isak shoved him with a blush high up his cheeks. He couldn’t believe they had been barking at each other’s faces just the day before. “It was our first time kissing or whatever,” he added.

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. I don’t know. I just. We watched that stupid movie you gave the guys and I just. I don’t know. I just wanted to be kissed. Like properly kissed. It was all I wanted,” Isak blushed even deeper. 

"Hm."

"Also did that guy seriously fuck a peach?" 

"Yeah. Crazy, right?" Even laughed.

"You mean gross? And the other guy tried to eat it," Isak grimaced. "What the fuck?"

"He eats it in the book."

"There's a book?!" Isak blinked. "And he eats it? Is he okay? What the hell?"

"What?" Even chuckled with raised eyebrows. "I hope you know I'd eat your peach, Isak."

"Shut up!" he shoved him. "I'm never gonna see peaches the same way from now on."

.

They lay down on the grass — the same way they did every year on October 3rd after visiting Lea’s grave — and Isak had to bite down a smile because the sky was gray but Even’s hair was blue, so blue. 

“For me?” he asked with one eye squeezed shut and the other focusing on Even hovering over him.

“For you,” Even smiled and Isak felt the last bits of resentment leave the chambers of his heart. He felt nothing but fondness for him. Nothing but absolute tenderness. 

Isak reached for him and let his fingers graze his cheeks the same way they had a year before. He touched him and watched him smile down at him. And for a moment, Isak felt like apologizing for all the horrible things he had said to him in the bar the first night, but Even beat him to it.

“I’m sorry about what I did to you on my birthday,” said Even, taking his hand which lay on his cheek. “I’m so sorry, Isak.”

“Even. I-”

“I was in such a terrible place in my head and I don’t know why I did it. You kept saying that I would never treat you like a stranger, so I tried to prove you wrong. But I fucked up. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Isak smiled. 

“Really?”

“I’m sorry, too. About the other night. I didn’t mean it.” 

“It’s chill,” Even smiled.  

.

They walked back to the airbnb the boys had rented and Isak knew that their time was up, that it was time to get back to reality. Still, he let their knuckles bump together and he gave him a smile whenever their eyes met. 

In another world, perhaps Isak was brave enough to just take his hand and lace their fingers together. Perhaps he was brave enough to ask if he had meant those words at the airport. Perhaps. But it wasn’t their time, not right now. Isak still had to get his act together and Even wasn’t asking for anything in return. 

They rounded a corner and Isak made a final attempt at making Even promise he wouldn’t tell the boys about Danish Mikael’s existence. 

“I will never forgive you. I’m serious!” Isak warned him.

“Can I at least tell Mikael?” Even laughed.

“Especially not Mikael! Are you even listening?” 

“But-” 

“I will find you. And I will kill you!” Isak groaned again, half expecting Even to catch the reference from ‘Taken’.

“If that’s what gets you to come back home, I’m willing to take the risk.”

_ Home.  _ Isak couldn’t help but soften at that, his entire face simply melting, flushing. 

It all happened in a blink, Isak reaching for Even’s hand, Even backing him up against the wall, and their lips meeting somewhere in the middle in the softest and most dizzying kiss. It all happened before either of them could really think about it. They just kissed because it felt right. Even’s left hand on Isak’s face while Isak held onto his right hand with all of his fingers. It was a kiss from the heart and Isak’s toes curled in his shoes with every brush of Even’s lips. It was so sweet yet so hot. Like them. 

“Thank you,” Isak breathed when their mouths parted because he knew Even was going to eventually kiss him the moment he had told him that he just wanted to be kissed back in the park. He just knew it.

“Come home,” Even kissed him again, just a peck, as if to say  _ “I mean this. This kiss means  something. This isn’t a charity kiss.”  _ “Edvard is this close to faking a heart attack to get you to come home.”

But Isak was scared. Things were finally simple again, _ finally. _ So he pecked Even on the mouth one more time then let go of his hand and made his way to the airbnb.

.

_ Nobody loves me like you used to. _

_ ‘Nobody hurts me like you’.  _

They never talked about it, Isak realized. His words that night. They never talked about them. Still, seeing Even in his natural hair color made Isak want to fist bump the heavens. 

Because as long as Isak had the sun, he could find blue skies. 

.

The rest of October was healing, November was empowering, and December was triumphing. Isak switched programs to Biosciences — because it actually got his heart beating and a simple Google search initially meant to help him understand Cancer better and find ways and metaphors to apologize to Even for calling him that actually got him interested in Stem cell research and bioscience in general. He had finally opened up to Anja, managed to get higher grades than Rita, and even cuddled Mette through her breakup with #IcelandicBoyfriend. 

Isak had gotten his life together for the most part. He stopped hooking up with strangers and putting himself in the weirdest situations and even dated a boy named Jonas — Isak did laugh  at his luck before surrendering to his fate — for a nearly a month. They never got anywhere because they had little to nothing in common, but it was nice to trust someone with his name and his heart. To just go to the movies with someone and share his day with them. It was nice.

By December, Isak knew he had to make a decision. 

_ To stay or to leave.  _

_ To speak or to die. _

Kongens Lyngby was starting to become more than just a stop along the way. Sometimes, it even resembled what he would call home. His childhood friends weren’t there all the time but they could easily visit. Even Sigve had made sure to pop by for a weekend. 

He had a little routine in place and he was finally happy with who he was. What if he went back to Oslo and didn’t like his life anymore? What if his demons ended up finding him again? What if it all went to hell again? 

In the days leading up to his decision, Isak realized that he no longer  _ needed  _ Even to function every day. The sweet pain was no longer there. He wanted to see him, he yearned for him, always. But it no longer hurt to not have him by his side. 

Perhaps, Even was right. Perhaps he would never stop loving him but simply get used to living without him, to not having him. Perhaps.  

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: this won't be a sad/angsty chapter  
> also me: cries/shatters while writing it.  
> .  
> it's 3am. so i'm going to be very quick. this chapter was important to me because it's one year after we got a glimpse of Isak's psyche during Lea's death anniversary. he's messed up and alone in a foreign country in which he can be pretty much anyone and it doesn't go very well. Isak is incredibly scarred from his childhood following his sister's death and it takes him going away to kind of see that.  
> i wanted to visit what feeling 'unloved' by people who should love you feels like. especially by a parent. it's just so discouraging because not even your blood wants you. Isak is on a self-destructive path in this chapter but he's getting there. they still havent talked about everything but they're getting there.  
> .  
> Even has grown a lot during Isak's time away. he grew closer to his friends and forgave himself. Isak keeps stabbing him throughout the chapter and he lets him because he figures he owes him. it was also Even's idea to drive to Copenhagen but he didn't want to go by himself because he figured Isak didn't need to see him. he needed to see someone who would make him smile. but he couldnt help it and still tagged along.  
> .  
> next chapter is going to be FUN. Edvard is BEYOND happy to see Isak and there's some drama around rooms and the house.  
> Mikael tries to make a move. Chris Berg has a crush (guess who <3) and Isak does his best to avoid falling back into Even's bed.  
> .  
> LOVE YOU THANK YOU for everything. I'm sorry I struggle with keeping up with Tumblr and answering everything, but I read all the comments on ao3 and it makes me SO happy whenever i get an email that someone commented or left kudos.  
> .  
> Leave a comment if you felt something, anything. love you so much. thank you for sticking around and for making me so happy, truly <33


	12. Me Before You (2016)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isak was in bed with the sun.  
> "Stop saying that," Even laughed, making him realize that he had just said it out loud.
> 
> featuring a comeback, reunions, hugs, kisses, wheelchairs, a wedding, Tromsø, Edvard being extra cunning, a haircut, majestic curls, my my my!, a detox, Isak's vow of abstinence, Chris Berg, MuttaAaA, Mikael being incredible, and a very naked and desperate Even.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hi. sorry for the long wait. i'm literally miserable. winter gets me so down. thank you for all the love for this story and for following it from the beginning. you are amazing. 
> 
> buckle up.

Isak was leaning against the window on the plane when he decided that his nonsensical need to make a dramatic entrance — this one in particular — was all Even’s fault. They were preparing for take-off according to the captain’s words over the communications system, and a kid with a gap between his front teeth was staring at his side profile with a puzzled expression. Isak made awkward eye contact for a few seconds before looking away, hoping the child’s father would notice his discomfort and tell him that it was rude to stare. But that didn’t happen.

So he gingerly attempted to bond with the kid by baring his own teeth instead, his index finger gesturing to the gaps between his own. “See? I have one, too,” he chuckled nervously. But the kid didn’t laugh. He simply looked away, unbothered and leaving Isak feeling extremely embarrassed. _Great, even kids get bored of me._

Isak pulled his gray hoodie over his head and looked out the window at the man directing the planes on the runway. They were in the twenty first century and people still had to brave the cold and tell planes which way to go. Wasn’t it crazy? How a single man got to decide where planes full of humans went?

_Well._

That was probably inaccurate and it was probably the result of a long vetted process, but still. Isak was nervous, and when he was nervous, his mind spiraled and entertained the most vain thoughts.

He sighed then tried to focus on other things, like the anxiety-inducing possibility of his luggage getting lost, or Kendrick Lamar’s second verse in Swimming Pools, or the fact that he had skipped singing in his mother’s church this Christmas and that he hadn’t spoken to her in almost a year, or the fact that Even had turned him into a dramatic loser obsessed with timing and surprises as well.

_Even._

They hadn’t really talked ever since Even pressed him against a wall back in October in the narrow street leading to the boys’ airbnb and kissed him breathless. They hadn’t really, _really,_ talked, besides the usual jokes on the groupchat and the comments on Instagram. Isak had written _‘Still do’_ under one of his captions— _“Nobody loves me like you used to”—_ after a particularly lonely night. But Even had never bothered answering, barely sparing him a ‘like’. So Isak got back to tagging him in stupid memes every once in a while then not thinking about him for days at a time.

Isak was in a good place in his heart. It no longer burned. It no longer felt inflamed, swollen. And some nights, he even convinced himself that his feelings for Even were nothing but symptoms of his repressed anger and utter loneliness throughout his life. Because nobody felt that much for another human being. Nobody’s heart felt inflamed at the mere thought of another soul. Nobody felt that much unless it was to cope with something else. People dated people and didn’t feel like fire was constantly being set to their chests. It wasn’t normal. It wasn’t healthy. And his outburst in the bathroom at the bar helped him see it. The pressure he was putting on Even by making his entire happiness revolve around whether he loved him the way he wished to be loved.

Sometimes, Isak saw it clearly. How his love for him was borderline an obsession of which nobody wished to be at the receiving end. How Even deserved to be loved gently and with care. Not by someone who felt like he might die if he didn’t have him.

But at the same time, Isak acknowledged how he had truly given him his heart and soul. His feelings might have been in the wrong place, but he still bore the utmost tenderness for him, Even, his sun. He had meant his words in the playground after all. He had meant every _‘I love you’,_ every tender touch. His feelings were still there, under his skin hugging his bones. But they weren’t the only thing that mattered anymore. Isak felt like drowning in other people’s arms too, now.

_I can tame them. These feelings._ And he did. The distance helped. Perhaps it was true that the heart forgot when the eyes could no longer see the object of its desire. He had it mostly under control now, his heart barely pinching when he saw Even’s icon on Instagram or Facebook. _Just keep it chill._  

Isak bumped his forehead against the glass window and breathed through his nose. He was going home, and he was going to surprise everyone besides Mutta — he needed someone to pick him up at the airport after all. He wondered if Even was going to be hurt because he didn’t tell him first. He wondered if Even felt it, too — how they had drifted apart when they used to be joined at the hip.

.

Isak slept through most of his short flight, then cheered when he saw his luggage on the carousel, then cheered again when he finally spotted Mutta through the crowd, flinging himself into his open arms.

“I’ve been waiting for over half an hour!” Isak groaned when Mutta finally put him down.

“Sorry. I overslept,” he shrugged before grabbing one of Isak’s bags. “Who told you to pick such an early flight anyways?”

“Are you for real? You overslept? I choose you for this big moment and you oversleep?!”

“Are you listening to yourself? Big moment? You sound like freaking Even,” Mutta huffed then laughed when he noticed the blush on Isak’s face probably.

“I see that you still suck,” Isak pressed his lips together and shoved past him with a frown.

“And I see that you’re still whipped.”

“Shut up!”

.

The car ride was rather uneventful. Isak told Mutta about how the kid with the gap between his front teeth almost spilled his juice on his sweatshirt and about how he eventually wished he had when the hot male flight attendant stopped by to check on him. And Mutta was beaming beside him.

“I like this new you.”

“Hm?” Isak blinked at him, shoving the curls peeking from underneath his hoodie behind his ears.

“You’re so-” Mutta paused, then brought his hand to his hood to pull it down and ruffle his hair. “You sound kinda free? Happy? I don’t know.”

“What are you talking about?” Isak laughed because he wasn’t really sure what to do and because no one had touched his unruly hair just for the sake of touching it — and not pulling it in bed — in so long.

“Look at you,” Mutta smiled and Isak had never seen him smile so wide. “You’re talking about hot flight attendants and rocking this crazy hair. I love it! You never used to tell me about hot boys.”

“Oh, shut up,” Isak laughed.

They drove to Mutta’s apartment because he still didn’t have a place to live and he didn’t wish to give Edvard a heart attack so early in the morning. He wanted him to have breakfast first at least.

Isak would never admit it, but when Myrcella stopped barking a minute into his entrance, he could feel his heart swell in his chest.

“I can’t believe she remembers me,” Isak sighed in awe, his arms wide open because he had missed meaningful physical contact, even with pets.

“Are you kidding me? She’s been so grumpy these past six months. You’re literally her favorite,” Mutta laughed.

“Yeah, right.”

Even Mutta’s roommate’s dog looked happy to see him. It was rather stupid but Isak couldn’t help but melt at the attention, his eyes closing as he pictured all the arms he was going to be safely tucked in today. A certain long and lanky pair making him almost swoon simply imagining it.

“So, hm. Who are you thinking of giving a heart attack to first?” Mutta inquired with eyes that already bore the answer.

“Uh. We should probs go to Elias’? I don’t know. He’s been writing a lot of stuff on my Facebook wall,” Isak shrugged. “Sounds like he misses me.”

“Elias. Hm,” Mutta mused as he took off his shoes.

“What?!” Isak glared at him.

“Nothing.”

“Why are you taking your shoes off?”

“I’m sure you wanna see _Elias_ on your own,” Mutta shrugged, trying to hide his grin. “It’s been so long, you know. I’m sure you wanna catch up with Elias _alone._ ”

“You’re an asshole,” Isak hissed because he knew exactly what he meant.

“Even’s parents are not around this weekend. So you can just use your key. He’s probably still sleeping.”

“Mutta, I swear to god!”

“Oops. I meant Elias obviously.”

.

Isak stood outside Even’s apartment with his heart in his throat and his mind spiraling out of control with all the ways this could go down. He was terrified by his own possible reaction upon seeing him.

_What if it all comes back? The pining and the bullshit? What if he doesn’t want to see me? What if he’s not as excited as I want him to be? What if he doesn’t react to my surprise like I react to his? What if he thinks I came back for him and we just end up fucking? Oh my god, what if we fuck? I haven’t even showered! I don’t have anything on me! What if- Shut up, you’re not fucking! What if he’s down? What if it’s awkward? What if there’s nothing there? What if-_

Isak willed his thoughts away, put his key — the key he had kept safe long after moving out — in the lock and pushed the door open as silently as possible. The apartment looked exactly the same with the exception of a few art canvases here and there which he suspected Even had picked based on their look and feel. He was almost overwhelmed by the mere smell of the apartment, not really having realized that it even had a distinct scent before. The sun was shining through the large windows in the kitchen and Isak felt _safe_ and almost emotional. _What the hell._

Isak realized that he hadn’t stepped foot in Even’s apartment since February when they had their fall-out on his birthday. It had almost been a year. _Well._ He willed the lump in his throat away and tiptoed to Even’s room, the only sound in his ears being the drumming in his heart.

_Shit. So much for keeping it chill._

Even was sleeping as suspected, buried under what looked like two fluffy comforters and a couple of pillows on the left side of the bed, his bare collarbones peeking from underneath like a promise, and his blond — _blond!_ — hair pointing in all directions as if someone had spent an entire night pulling at it.

Isak’s brain went on overdrive at the sight, and he felt his heart grow tenfold inside his chest. He felt ridiculous but he brought both hands to his own chest. _God, look at him._ Isak was happy and flustered and excited and terrified all at once. _Even._

Before he could overthink it, he made his way to the right side of the bed which looked like it had been left empty for him, let his shoes fall off against the floor, and curled into himself by Even’s side, holding his breath.

_Don’t do anything stupid. Don’t do anything stupid._

Isak took him in. Just spent a few minutes simply looking at him. And, _god,_ was he beautiful. He reached out and let his fingers graze Even’s hair, just a bit, a ghost of a brush. He was barely touching him, still keeping a healthy distance between their two bodies. But it was as though Even could feel him in his sleep, could feel his body heat, because he shuffled closer, so close that Isak could feel his slow breaths against his face, hot and deep.

Isak’s eyes had grown wide and his breaths shallow, and the urge to simply shut his eyelids and arch his back was almost all too consuming. _How I’ve missed you._ He let his hand fall against Even’s chest, right above his heart, the pads of his fingers barely touching the skin there, and he tried to will his heartbeat to follow the rhythm under his fingertips. However, it proved to be the wrong strategy as it only fueled his need to touch him, ravage him, claim him, even.

Without giving it much thought, Isak reached over until his fingers were threaded in Even’s hair, tentative at first, then not so much. He stroked his blond locks until Even’s arms locked around his waist and pulled him closer, making Isak feel as though he had just gotten pulled under a wave, dizzy with confusion and with the need to breathe again. Except that Isak was not interested in the air all over and around them. It was the air caged in Even’s lungs that he craved.  

_Wake up!_

Isak was panting against Even’s neck, his eyes closing on their own, his mouth open, one hand in his hair and the other trying to find a home on his side, around his neck, on his cheek, anywhere. But then Even was holding him closer and Isak could feel his hard-on through his boxers, could feel how he was almost rolling them over and pulling him on top of his naked chest now, both arms roaming his clothed back frantically, up and down, up and down, making Isak dizzy with want. _How are you not awake._

Isak moaned at one point because Even was almost naked under him, clearly hard on a Sunday morning with the sun peeking through the curtains. And he secretly hoped that whatever dream Even was emerging from was about him. Even who slept half naked on the verge of winter now. Even who had given up his hundreds of layers — because they felt like a hug — to sleep in his boxers.

_Wait-_

Isak pushed himself off of Even right on time for the shower to stop running, and it felt like getting pulled under another wave. Only this one was sobering, not intoxicating.

Isak sat up in bed like an idiot with flushed cheeks and messed up hair and stayed there until the girl got out of the shower with nothing but a small towel around her tiny but voluptuous frame. Isak was so shocked by his own idiocy — and the fact that he hadn’t even processed the shower running the entire time he was rubbing himself against a half naked Even — that he just sat there until she noticed him and let out a startled shriek that woke Even.

“Why are you yelling?” Even groaned in his deep, hoarse morning voice as he pulled himself on his elbows and rubbed his eyes.

He then let out a similar surprised shout when he finally, _finally,_ realized who the body next to his belonged to.

“Holy shit! Am I still dreaming?” Even almost fell off his bed, and if Isak wasn’t busy trying not to cry, he would have probably laughed.

“Even, who is this?!” she shrieked after assessing his reaction, reaching for one of Even’s large sweaters which was crumpled on the floor.

_Fuck. Don’t wear that. I love that sweater._

She quickly put it on while Even blinked at him, probably processing his own boner and taking in Isak’s disheveled appearance.

“Even?” she asked again, clearly annoyed by how neither of them was saying a word.

“Oh my god!” Even finally burst into laughter as he held both of his arms open. “You almost gave me a heart attack, you little shit! Come here!”

He hugged him, then. Full frontal, with his hard-on pressing against Isak’s stomach as if to say _‘Yes, this is for you. Not the girl I clearly spent last night fucking. Welcome back’._

And honestly, Isak wouldn’t give it back for the world, so he hugged him back, both arms strong around his body, breathing him and his scent in.

“Fuck, I missed you!” Isak half-whispered, half-moaned during their embrace, running out of shame.

“Missed you, too,” Even replied, breaking the hug to cup his face and grin. “When did you get here? What the fuck?!”

“Uh. This morning,” Isak blushed at feeling of his fingers spreading over his cheeks, warm and large and careful. Isak couldn’t recall the last time someone had cupped his face with this much care, as if he were precious.

“Even?!” the girl interrupted them again, clearly confused and aggravated by the scene unfolding in front of her. Isak wondered if she knew who he was. “Could you maybe warn me when you’re having a guy friend in the room so I can maybe cover up?!”

_Guy friend._

“Don’t worry. I’m gay,” Isak huffed, finally breaking the spell, finally collecting himself and shoving Even’s hands away.

He then felt his heart ease a bit when Even barked out a laugh instead of getting upset at his clearly rude tone, but not for long. Isak’s heart pinched at the familiarity of the situation despite its humorous undertones. A girl in Even’s shower, in Even’s bed for the night. It almost hurt more than Even running off with a boy to Bergen. Because it reminded him of how some of Even’s needs he could simply never fulfill. The softness, the curves, the flowery scent, the smooth skin. Isak had almost forgotten what it felt like, to not feel enough. He hadn’t felt this way ever since he had moved out of Even’s home. _Goddamn._

“Emma, I know I’m gonna sound like the world’s biggest dick. But can you give us a minute?” Even spoke in a voice devoid of humor, almost as if he could hear Isak’s self-deprecating thoughts. “I’m very sorry. Isak has just come back from being abroad. I haven’t seen him in ages.”

_Emma._

Isak heard her scoff and stomp her way into the living room, then before he could even muster up the courage to lift his head and look Even in the eyes, she slammed the front door and made both of them flinch.

“You! You! I can’t believe you!” Even almost pounced on him once silence settled back in, completely unphased by this girl storming off in rage with one of his best sweaters.

“What?” Isak couldn’t help but crack a smile.

“What are you doing here? Who else knows you’re here? Are you back for good? Why didn’t you tell me? Does Edvard know? Does-”

Isak wrapped both arms around Even’s back and hugged him closer to his chest, startling the words out of his mouth. He had missed this, them, whatever they were.

“God, I missed you so much,” he sighed into his neck, hoping Even was getting some of his answers from that embrace. Because it didn’t tell the story of someone only staying for a bit. This embrace didn’t tell the story of someone who had made multiple stops before this one. No.

This embrace said _I am home and I have no intention of leaving._

“Welcome home,” Even smiled against his skin.  

.

“So Emma, hm,” Isak mused once a bowl of cereals was placed in front of him and Even had managed to put on a t-shirt and sweatpants.

“You told Mutta and not me,” Even grimaced, digging into his own bowl and shaking his head. “You asked Mutta to pick you up at the airport and not me.”

“Emma,” Isak repeated. “Cute name.”

“Mutta, really? I’m a bit hurt.”

“She didn’t seem too thrilled to see me. I don’t think I’ll give the best friend sign-off,” Isak shrugged, barely paying Even’s words any mind.

“You picked Mutta over your best friend.”

“Wouldn’t have wanted to disturb my best friend’s busy schedule,” Isak rolled his eyes then shoved a mouthful of Even’s especially bad cereals into his mouth.

“You’re being a little shit already and you’ve only been back for five minutes.”

“A little shit? I’m a bit hurt,” Isak sighed. “Just trying to account for your biological needs.”

“Isak. I could have lived without a Tinder hook-up for one night if I had known you were finally coming home.”

_Did you wait for me? Did you even wait?_

“Tinder, huh. Interesting.”

Isak knew he was being insufferable, honestly. But thirty minutes before this very interesting breakfast talk, he had been picturing himself split open in Even’s sheets, not eating soggy cereals while gritting his teeth.

“Fuck. I missed you and all the shit you give me,” Even blurted out instead, earning himself a chuckle and a smile from Isak who very well knew that he would have camped outside the airport if he had to.

“I see that you missed me and my shit so much that you turned to Tinder, huh.”

“Yeah, your excellent use of Grindr left me wanting to experiment hook-up apps for myself.”

“You’re a dick!” Isak shoved him with a small piece of bread.

“Did you just throw bread at me?” Even got up from his chair and smiled so wide that Isak felt as though he was being tickled. “What did they teach you in Denmark?”

“Don’t you dare come near me!” he laughed.

“I suggest you move to the couch or the bed if you don’t want to be tackled to the floor.”

“If you want to rub up against me, all you have to do is ask. No need for this childish-”

Even did apparently mean his words because they somehow ended up on the floor, wrestling like fourteen year olds ultimately forgetting how the altercation had even started. Except that Even was now tickling him and startling the strangest and most embarrassing sounds out of his mouth. As if they hadn’t been separated for over half a year, as if Isak hadn’t left under the most bitter circumstances, as if they were back to being best buddies slash more than that when they got too carried away, as if Even hadn’t secretly made him a promise when he asked him to come back after he kissed him dizzy against that wall.

Yet, of all the ways this could have gone down, Isak liked this the most, his heart almost bursting with happiness and pure content right now, right here. And for a moment, he wished time could still and give him this. Just this. Them on Even’s kitchen floor, wrestling with milk on their tongues and silenced hard-ons between their legs, aching to be acknowledged.

Isak was this close to taking that leap of faith, to throw his entire plan to keep it chill out the window, his own body aching for some sort of release below the waist, for some sort of unspoken but agreed upon contact to ease the tension, to make sure he could walk back to Mutta’s without having to jerk off in public bathroom because it was too much. They were laughing and smiling but the sexual tension was there, in the air hovering above them. Thick and unmistakably there. And while it killed Isak to think of Even between another pair of legs just the night before, making someone else throb with want and desire for him, someone else ache for him and laugh with him, he was still willing to shuffle on his knees and pleasure him until Isak’s name was the only one his lips.

“Isak-”

“Even-”

Green on blue. Blue on green.

Then the door flew open and Elias, Adam, Yousef, and Sonja barged in.

“Isak!”

_Fuck._

.

The downside of Even’s house being everyone’s hangout spot of choice was that most of his friends happened to have keys of their own. A detail that was particularly important when someone was in his bed or tackled on the kitchen floor with their legs wide spread.

“Well, that didn’t take long,” Elias burst into laughter while Isak and Even struggled to get back on their feet like two horny teenagers caught in the middle of the act.

“Shit! It’s not what you think!” Isak groaned, visibly flustered and disheveled, his eyes immediately landing on Sonja who seemed to have thousands of thoughts on her mind right now.

She settled on a smile and Isak thought about how different her reaction was from his own upon seeing a girl in Even’s bed. “You little shit!” she exclaimed, opening her arms big and wide and rushing over to give him a hug.

They all joined in, all awkward angles and weird sounds and laughter, and Isak felt _home._

.

“I can’t believe you picked Mutta of all people,” Elias scoffed once they had all spread around Even’s apartment. Isak would have come to his defense, but he had betrayed him by ruining his surprise and even revealing his whereabouts to the rest of the group.

“What do you mean? Mutta was his actual lock screen. He’s basically in love with him,” Adam chuckled then earned himself a shove from Yousef.

“The only one I’m in love with is this one,” Isak rectified, tightening his arms around Sonja who actually sat on his lap for once, his previous hopeful boner now gone after he talked himself out of it.

“Wait a minute. What were you up to in Denmark?!” Elias’ eyes widened and Even actually took off one of his slippers and threw it at his face.

“Shut up!”

“Still gay. Don’t worry,” Isak rolled his eyes.

“I confirm,” Sonja laughed as she wiggled on his lap, clearly referring to the no boner situation.

They all broke into laughter and Isak actually shoved her. “You’re disgusting. Get off of me!”

“Aw no!” she pleaded with her hands coming to up to his hair.

“Are haircuts that expensive in Copenhagen, bro?” Adam teased, making Isak roll his eyes. He knew the hair thing would come up. Of course.

“Leave him alone!” Sonja interjected. “I think it’s cute as hell. Makes him look super young.”

“I think it makes him look hot,” Even added, and if the group had forgotten the position in which they had found them on the kitchen floor, they were certainly reminded of it now.

“Did you have to make it weird, Even? Really?” Elias shook his head.

.

“Where are you gonna live?” Even asked, lingering for a moment when their fingers brushed to pass him the joint. Isak was grateful that he waited for the gang to leave before rolling it. This was their thing, Isak and Even’s thing. Getting high on the windowsill was their thing. “Going back to Edvard’s?”

“Yeah,” Isak nodded before taking an especially long drag, his cheeks hollowing until his throat hurt. “I mean if he still wants me obviously.”

“All he does is talk about you,” Even smiled, making his stomach flip and his face flush so embarrassingly that he had to look away and stare out the window. “I’m sure he’ll throw you the biggest welcome back party ever. I’m sure he’ll invite the weird neighbors who look like they belong to Illuminati again.”

“You think?” Isak titled his head to the side, completely ignoring the joke, then gasped when he realized just how insecure he sounded. _You think? You think he’ll be happy to see me? Everyone seems to eventually get bored of me._

“Of course.”

Then for a second, it got too quiet, too weird. Everything felt fragile, paperthin, as if it were about to crumble if one of them uttered the wrong word.

“If not, you can always move back here, you know,” Even added, raising his eyebrows with a hint of mischief in the shallow of his blue eyes.

Isak smiled then looked away again. They had to finish the joint as soon as possible and head to Edvard’s before he heard it from someone else, or worse, before-

“We’ll just end up fucking,” Isak blurted out with a chuckle, not exactly sure why or how. The words had just lined up at the tip of his tongue and he just had to say them. And judging by the look on Even’s face, they probably sounded just as scandalous to his ears.

“I can think of worse things that could happen,” Even eventually breathed with a smile in his voice as well, bringing the easiness back. Or perhaps the weed was helping, too. Who knew.

“Yeah.”

Isak didn’t know what he was agreeing to, but he averted his gaze nonetheless before he could do anything else he might regret, like maybe cup his face and press their lips together. It was dizzying, how he could almost taste him in his mouth.

“I missed us,” Even whispered, forcing Isak to spare him a glance.

He was a riot, Even. And he wasn’t backing down until Isak had no choice but to listen and accept the damages being inflicted upon his heart.

_Us._

“Us,” Isak repeated as his fingers handed him the joint back.

But instead of lingering this time around, he grabbed Even’s fingers and squeezed ever so gently, as if to say _‘I missed us, too’,_ maybe.

_Just for a moment._

The moment lasted minutes, maybe longer. They held hands on Even’s windowsill until there was nothing left to smoke.

_Us._

.

“Have you seen him lately?” Isak asked as they walked down the street. “Edvard, not Mikael, obviously.”

“Yeah, like two weeks ago,” Even nodded. “I tried to visit lately, but Mikael kept saying Edvard was busy with Helga or something.”

“Huh?”

“Yeah. I don’t know.”

Isak’s frown remained there between his brows until they made it to Edvard’s house, and he could sense Even tensing beside him as well, as if he was recalling the last times he had tried to make contact with Edvard himself.

“Isak?!” Mikael exclaimed with his wild, wild hair bouncing around, his arms immediately coming up to smother him with a rather awkward embrace. “Holy crap! You’re back! I had no idea!”

Isak laughed and hugged him back. “Figured I’d give you a run for your money with the hair thing.”

“Woah! Look at you! Look at these curls!” Mikael smiled as he ran his hands through Isak’s hair.

“Good to see you too, Mikael!” Even huffed, clearly annoyed by how Mikael was almost pulling at Isak’s locks, making him chuckle.

“Oh shut up!” Mikael rolled his eyes.

They laughed for a few more seconds before Isak interrupted their giggles to ask for Edvard.

“Uh-” Mikael started, and just as he was about to utter an actual word, the fluffiest mop of white fur made her way to the front door, mewling. Isak could almost swear she sounded happy.

“Tequila!” he nearly whined, immediately going down on his knees to grab her. “Hi baby!”

A few months earlier, Isak would have probably felt a bit self-conscious calling a cat ‘baby’, but he realized that he couldn’t care less right now. She deserved this. He deserved this. Granted, she wasn’t as excited as Myrcella, but she did hold onto his arm with her paws and make sounds he had never heard her utter before.

“I think she’s having a seizure,” says Mikael.

“I think she’s happy he’s home,” Even smiled above him.

“Why does she look so miserable, though? She’s not half as mean as usual,” Isak observed.

“Uh, so-”

.

“What the fuck?!” Isak shrieked.

“He’s only there for, uh, like a couple of weeks,” Mikael stammered. “It’s not a big deal. He was just feeling a bit tired.”

“Edvard got checked into a damn hospital for weeks and you don’t think it’s a big deal?!” Even frowned.

“I mean. It wasn’t like he got a heart attack or anything. He was just feeling a bit tired and his doctor recommended that he get checked in, just for good measure.”

“No one gets checked in for good measure for weeks, Mikael!” Isak almost shouted.

“Why are you yelling at me? He chose to go. It’s not like I neglected him! Helga was here most days, too!”

_Fuck._ Isak took a deep breath and stroked Tequila because she could feel his distress as well.

“Sorry,” he muttered.

“Well, I’m not,” said Even and he sounded hurt. “Why didn’t you tell me? I’ve been asking you for days and you lied to me this whole time.”

“Sorry dude,” Mikael sighed. “I didn’t mean to. He just didn’t want you to freak out and asked me not to tell you. I’m sorry.”

.

“Am I dead? Have I reached heaven? Finally?” Edvard laughed as soon as he got over the initial shock of seeing Isak — and Even — in his hospital room.

“It’s _not_ funny!” Isak frowned, but couldn’t help walking over to the bed and hugging him awkwardly, careful not to break him somewhere.

“If it makes me laugh, then it’s probably funny. Don’t you think?” Edvard chuckled. “Also I would hug you back, but I can’t really move my arms.”

“Don’t say that!” Helga hissed as she placed the yellow flowers Even had insisted on buying in the vase Mikael had carried with him. “Why would you scare the kids like that?”

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!” Even directed his frustration towards her.

“Well, there was nothing to tell,” she shrugged. “The old man needed some time to revitalize. Give him a break. You never tell anyone when you tell a long and relaxing bath, do you?”

“My baths don’t last two weeks!”

“Well, you’re not ninety,” Edvard smiled before adding, “Also, I love the flowers. Thanks, Even.”

“Not cool, man. Not cool,” Even shook his head, both arms crossed as he stood behind Isak who was sitting on the bed.

“How about we focus on the man of the hour instead? Welcome back, Isak.”

“You were the least surprised of the whole bunch,” Isak narrowed his eyes. “I’m pretty sure even Mutta was more surprised when he saw me at the Airport and he knew I was coming back.”

“Well, let’s just say I had a hunch,” Edvard smirked to himself. _How are you ninety and still capable of smirking._

“A hunch?”

“I knew you wouldn’t miss Christmas and New Year’s at home.”

_Right._

For some reason, Isak looked back at Even in a short moment of panic, as if he had just been found out, his true motives divulged. He blushed hard. But what was even more flustering was the fact that Even flushed, too.

“I guess Mikael will be moving to the other guest room then, huh,” Edvard eventually broke the awkward silence once again.

“What?! No way! It’s my room now. Isak can move down the hall,” Mikael scoffed.

“Yeah no,” Isak glared at him.

“I’m older than you!”

“I lived here first!”

.

There was something about being roommates with a ninety year old man who was currently lodging at the hospital and a boy he used to hate with all his heart. It wasn’t exactly _normal_ but it wasn’t half as bad. If anything, Isak was grateful that this was his life, even if running into Mikael after a shower was nothing short of disastrous.

“Do you still have a crush on me, or what?” Isak groaned whenever Mikael turned into a stuttering mess upon seeing him in nothing but boxers around the house. “I should be allowed to walk around half naked when Helga is not around.”

“You sure as hell don’t walk around half naked when Even is around, though!”

“Shut up!” Isak threw one of the oversized pillows in the living room at his face.

.

Even. Even was silent lately, but his thoughts were loud, so loud. He was there when Edvard got discharged and he was there when Isak moved back into his room. He helped both of them get settled, making Isak squirm and blush when he started folding his underwear.  

“Calvin Klein, huh,” he laughed.

“Don’t touch that!” Isak nearly flung himself at him, yanking the boxers away from his hands.

“The same ones you were wearing in that picture?”

“What?!” Isak’s brain nearly short-circuited.

“The nude you sent to Elias.”

_Fuck._ Isak’s cheeks turned hot at the thought of Even remembering the details of that picture.

“It wasn’t a nude! I wasn’t completely naked!”

“Did you buy them at Copenhagen?” Even ignored him, a smile at the corner of his lips.

“Even, can we please not talk about my underwear?” Isak shot him a look stuck somewhere between embarrassment and annoyance.

“Of course, we can.”

Even started bringing his laptop to Edvard’s house and laying on the floor for hours at a time while editing, barely demanding any attention at all. He played with Tequila and helped Helga cook and clean sometimes, but he was silent. Almost too silent. He was observing, jumping to his feet to help break up fights between Isak and Mikael over the last piece of bread or over who got to shower first, and to offer his services whenever Edvard left his room or struggled with the TV remote.

“Let me help,” Even insisted.

“You weren’t this helpful when Mikael wasn’t around,” Edvard snorted, making Isak’s mouth drop before he let out a laugh of his own.

“Ugh. Fine. Do it yourself!” Even groaned.

.

“I think he’s jealous,” Edvard shrugged after Even left the house around nine in the evening.

“Edvard,” Isak rolled his eyes.

“Just my two cents.”

“Even is not jealous.”

“I think Edvard’s right,” Mikael shrugged.

“And I think no one asked you,” Isak hissed.

“You’re being a bit rude to Mikael, Isak.”

“Since when is Mikael your favorite?” Isak frowned. “I think that’s why Even is being so weird. It’s because you’re always siding with Mikael.”

“I don’t know when I ended up with two bickering children, but I’m not complaining,” Edvard laughed.

Isak’s frown melted at the words. Life was good. Really. If an old man he had no ties to whatsoever could shelter him and feed him and even go as far as joke about him being his child, then he must have done something right.

.

Even invited Isak to Christmas dinner and he made his way there with Edvard, Mikael having stayed behind to chill with Elias and Mutta for the holidays. Isak was still trying to get used to the expensive and very tech-capable wheelchair after having spent an entire afternoon reading up the instructions manuals to figure out what each button did.

Edvard called him a nerd and Isak only gave him the side eye for an average of three seconds.

“I’m sure you don’t have to push me. This thing moves by itself. It has a battery,” said Edvard.

“Let me push you.”

They stopped bickering by the time they made it to Even’s house, and Isak blushed for a full ten minutes under his mom’s attention. She wouldn’t stop kissing his cheeks and calling him handsome and touching his hair.

“You’re so handsome. Look at you!” she giggled in her green dress, looking as lovely as her son. “And your hair! Look at these curls you got going on. What’s your secret?”

Even watched fondly as he leaned against the kitchen counter, wearing a red Christmas sweater and a Santa hat. He looked adorable.

Edvard brought gifts for everyone, the scarf he picked for Even’s mother surprisingly matching her taste. Isak would have guessed that he had consulted with Even if it weren’t for him squinting his eyes at the old man as well. The food was good and the company was good, and Isak even had an excuse to dip out with Edvard before Even’s parents’ drunk shenanigans even began. They insisted for a little while but gave up when Edvard brought up the elderly card.

Isak ended up ordering a taxi because it was cold. And while it wasn’t snowing, it wasn’t ideal to roll Edvard around in his wheelchair until they got home. Therefore, Even had no reason to really join them.

And Isak almost resented Edvard when he looked into those drunk blue eyes, bearing a promise he wanted to hold onto. _‘One more drink and I’d kiss you.’_ Isak knew that look.

“Merry Christmas, Ev,” he mumbled by the door.

“Merry Christmas.”

.

It shouldn’t have been that surprising when he received a text thirty minutes after he got Edvard into bed. But he still gasped and his heart still raced and his palms still dampened as he rushed to the door.

“What are you doing here?” Isak blinked at him.

“Trying to bring back late night Christmas cuddles?” Even smiled, his cheeks flushed and his hair damp from the cold. “Yes, no?”

“You’re freezing. I’m not cuddling with you like this,” Isak looked away, trying to hide his grin.

“That’s the whole point. You warm me up. No?”

“Not if you bring _my_ body temperature down.”

“I mean you're the expert. But I’m pretty sure that’s not how biology works,” Even squinted his eyes.

“Ugh, fine. Come in.”

.

“So should we just lie down?” Isak breathed a bit nervously. He hadn’t even drunk during dinner, knowing that he would have to take Edvard home.

“Shit. I should have had more alcohol before coming here,” Even laughed that beautiful and wholesome laugh of his in the nearly dark room, making Isak aching to touch.

“How did we even do this before?”

“Hm. I think at least one of us was plastered,” Even chuckled. “Then we would just-” he paused to wrap his fingers around Isak’s bicep and bring him closer until he was sprawled on his chest. Isak hadn’t even realized that he had lied down. “We would just hold each other. Like this.”

The air was thick and hot above them, Isak growing self-conscious of the riot in his heart. He wondered if Even could hear his heartbeats, could feel the turmoil and the storm in there. He wondered why he was here, really.

“Your hair,” Even whispered with longing in his voice, one arm around Isak’s back and the other hovering above his head. “I fucking love your hair like this.”

Isak almost mewled at the compliment. He loved it, being cuddled in Even’s arms on his king sized bed on Christmas like this. Warm and safe and right where he belonged.

“Can I touch it?” Even asked to which Isak immediately nodded, hoping he could feel it even if he couldn’t see him.

He did. Isak loved touching Even’s hair, but he didn’t know just how much he loved having Even’s fingers in his. Long and smooth and so strong. Isak couldn’t help but picture his fingers elsewhere, but on his scalp was a good place to start.

“Fucking love it,” Even whispered again, this time pulling gently and making him close his eyes and revel at the softness.

Isak somehow always associated his hair getting pulled with filthy and meaningless sex, not with warm cuddles in the dead of winter. So he blushed in the dark and held onto Even with both arms, snuggling closer.

“I love the way you stroke my hair,” Isak admitted, surprised by how composed he was sounding.

“And what way is that?”

“Gentle. You’re gentle.”

Isak felt Even shift under him, as if he had just stabbed him. Even his fingers stopped in his hair.

“Don’t stop,” Isak mumbled.

“Iss.”

“Hm?”

“Remember that night when you sent me those texts?”

Isak could have pretended he didn’t. He could have beaten around the bush and changed topics. But he remembered. Of course he remembered.

“Yes,” Isak admitted.

“Did that happen again?”

_‘Did you get fucked like that again? Did you let other people hurt you and bruise you and use your body again? Did you use sex as a coping mechanism again?’_

“Yes,” Isak mumbled because Even already knew the answer. He had already seen the bruises all over his body.

“Even after we came to visit?”

“No,” Isak shook his head in the dark. “I, uh, I still slept around but not, not like that. I even had a boyfriend for a little while.”  

“That’s nice,” Even breathed right above his forehead, his fingers back to working magic in his hair.

“I’m sorry for what I said in those texts.”

“You shouldn’t be.”

Isak had thought about this moment countless times before. They were finally going to talk about the mess they always dug themselves into. They were finally going to be honest with their feelings. And perhaps it would end with a hug and closure. Or perhaps it would end with a kiss. Or perhaps it would even end with a fuck. Isak had no idea. He just wanted to have the talk.

“You didn’t get me a Christmas present,” he mumbled.

“I brought back late Christmas night cuddles. It should count,” Even chuckled. “What did _you_ get me, huh?”

“I’m here for Christmas. It should count.”

“You have a point.”

Isak coming up with more serious words, tried to hold on a bit longer, tried to shift the conversation to the things that mattered and hurt. But with Even’s fingers pulling at his locks, softly, slowly, tenderly, his eyes couldn’t help but close and his breathing couldn’t help but slow. And before he knew it, Isak was fast asleep in Even’s arms.

.

Even made him breakfast the next day and had a chat with Edvard about New Year’s Eve plans and about how he wished they could avoid the hospital this year. Isak was laughing on one of the stools by the kitchen when Even’s phone buzzed with some sort of notification beside him.

“What is it?” Even called from the couch.

“What?”

“My phone. What’s the notification?”

Isak reached over the counter to grab it, took a moment to process the message, then repeated it word for word.

“It’s _‘Olivia from Tinder’._ She wants to know if you’re still going to her place this afternoon.”

“Shit,” Even left the couch and rushed over to where Isak had pushed off his plate, suddenly not so hungry anymore. “Isak-”

“I have to go shower.”

“Isak-”

“I think I’m gonna meet with Magnus and Mahdi later, so don’t worry about the movie you wanted to watch this afternoon,” he rambled as he left his stool, making a very conscious effort to avoid eye contact.

“It’s not what you-”

“Even, seriously. You’re a grown man. You’re allowed to fuck chicks on Tinder. I fucked half of Denmark. You literally have nothing to explain to me. I get it.”

“Language,” Edvard muttered from the living room.

“Sorry. I had friendly encounters with half of Denmark,” Isak replied before reaching for a box of cereals from one of the cupboards and heading for his room.

_Fucking asshole. Fucking fuck. Fuck you. Fuck._

.

“Hm. I don’t know how I feel being part of this,” Magnus mused while Isak grit his teeth on the chair.

“Part of what?”

“I just don’t want to be associated with this terrible decision,” he explained. “I mean I don’t know about you Mahdi but I think he’s gonna look awful with a haircut like yours.”

“Same,” Mahdi shrugged. “Not everyone can pull this off, bro.”

.

Isak cut his hair. All of it, or rather most of it. He wasn’t exactly bald, but Magnus had already posted a picture of him with the hashtag “#Baldsak” so maybe he was. If anything, Isak simply felt a bit more free and a bit older. Mahdi joked about it at first, but he did feel empowered like those women with their pixie haircuts and everyone who ever claimed that cutting their hair helped them get over a breakup or some other type of hardship.

Honestly, Isak had no idea what he was doing, but he almost got it now. The act of cutting his hair meant letting go of something he stared at in the mirror everyday, something that was part of him but that didn’t have to be anymore. It meant a new start. A new beginning.

His haircut wasn’t him getting rid of his messy curls because Even loved them so damn much. It was him trying to move past the remnants of his messy infatuation because it impaired him so damn much.

A new beginning.

.

“Bro, what the fuck. You look so ugly. How are you gonna be able to bang anyone on Grindr now?” Adam laughed with actual tears in his eyes the moment he saw him at the random football pitch they had picked for the day.

“Go fuck yourself, Adam,” Isak groaned.

“I think he looks good like this,” Mutta shrugged with Myrcella on his lap. “He doesn’t look like a little baby anymore.”

“I have to agree with Adam on this possibly affecting his chances with the gentlemen of Grindr,” Sigve offered with a chuckle.

“Are you on my side or _his?!”_

“Relax, Isak. You know I’d drop on my knees right now if you asked me to,” Sigve winked. He _winked._ “I like this buzzcut, actually. It’s very dom. I’d suggest another hashtag, #Domsak instead of #Baldsak.” And Isak had to bring his palm to his face and sigh, suddenly thankful that Mikael wasn’t here to hear this.

“Sigve, honestly,” Elias shook his head.

“Oops,” Sigve laughed. “Sorry boys. I just missed him a lot..”

“All of you suck,” Isak groaned. “Besides, I’m not doing the Grindr thing anymore. That’s it. I’m done.”

“First, you give up the hair and now dick?”

“Sigve!” Isak warned, exasperated by all the attention. He wished they could just get back to talking about Elias’ Vlogs. “I’m just trying to be good, okay? Like all that drinking and partying and meaningless crap is so stupid and unhealthy and fake.”

“You mean like you’re doing a detox?” Elias laughed.

“Oh my god! A D-tox!” Adam followed immediately and honestly Isak hated both of them. “Dicktox.”

“Piss off, Adam.”

“I give you two weeks,” Adam added. “Two weeks and Mikael will come crying to me about you bringing home some dude.”

“Oh come on,” Elias shoved Adam. “Give him at least a month.”

“A month? What is he supposed to do during that month? Hump his pillows?”

“You guys suck. Holy shit,” Isak shook his head again.

“How about until his hair grows,” Mutta finally cracked a smile, then shrugged when Isak glared at him.

“That’s too vague though,” said Sigve. “What length would that be?”

“Like his regular length? Not the crazy prince hair he just got rid of. Just his regular haircut from before.”

.

“So a detox and a haircut, huh,” Even hummed by the door, barely flinching upon seeing Isak’s new look. He suspected he had seen the boys’ posts online already.

“Figured I’d start working on those resolutions ahead of time,” Isak shrugged as Even made his way to his bed.

“Your resolution is for your scalp to get more fresh air? Is that what you’re aiming to achieve with the haircut?”

Isak could clearly see the sarcasm in his tone. But while Even was probably aiming for lighthearted banter, he could sense frustration in his words as well.

“No. I was thinking more along the lines of ‘no more hair pulling in bed’,” Isak replied with as much detachment in his voice as possible.

“Shouldn’t your dicktox take care of that?”

And that seemed to have left Isak a bit tongue tied. Even had heard about his abstinence plans. _Great. Thanks, fucking Adam._

“The platonic hair pulling, too,” Isak shrugged.

“You could just ask whoever is platonically pulling your hair to stop instead of shaving your head.”

“I don’t think I know how.”

They left it at that. It was awkward and almost painful, but they left it at that. Isak had cut his hair and Even had gone to meet Olivia from Tinder. Everything was chill. Everything was great.

.

It had started out as some sort of a dumb joke, but Isak actually found himself enjoying this newly found chastity. He spent his time on other things now. Like working out and reading and spending quality time with the boys. He didn’t feel as anxious at parties, looking for skin to press his lips against. He simply enjoyed the company of whoever was with him and focused on deepening his relationships instead of chasing hot strangers, only to hate the skin on his own bones the next day.

Isak realized that Noora wasn’t half as bad when he actually took time to talk to her, and that Chris Berg was actually insanely smart after pairing up with her for some stupid board game at one of the small get togethers—turned into ragers—at Eva’s house.

Before that, Isak would have never even thought of spending time with Chris Berg, of all people. She was funny and lighthearted, and he could have sworn that she had checked him out when they first met. And even though Chris smiled and laughed and didn’t seem to have a single care in the world, Isak felt strangely connected to her.

“I think I could shave my head. But I don’t think I could give up dick,” she mused while sucking on a lollipop on the couch with Isak’s head resting on her shoulder.

“Chris!” Isak groaned.

“What? I still can’t believe you’re willing to go dry and not have any dick until your hair grows back. You’re setting yourself up for some unhealthy sexual tension, kid.”

Isak almost replied with _‘what would you know about dick’_ in the heat of the moment, but stopped himself right on time, nearly biting his tongue. _Shit._ That was mean and he didn’t necessarily consider himself mean. But he still wondered just how much ‘dick’ Chris actually got, if any at all.

_Fuck. You’re an asshole._

“What?” Chris asked, clearly puzzled by his silence.

“Nothing.”

“Where’s your boyfriend, anyways?”

“Fuck off,” Isak snapped, finally getting over the guilt roaming his thoughts.

“I thought we were going to curse less going into the new year, Isak,” Even’s deep voice startled him just as his weight dropped on the couch beside Chris.

“Speaking of the devil,” she laughed.

“Were you talking about me?” Even blinked, bringing one of his long arms to hook it around Chris’ shoulders.

“No,” Isak bit harshly. “We were talking about dick.”

“The dick you’re not having?” Even snorted.

“Yup!” Chris joined him.

“Both of you suck.”

“It’s not my fault you’re being weird about sex,” she shrugged. “Fucking is necessary. It’s like at the same level as water and food and breathing on the pillar of human needs. It’s physiological. You can’t just shut it off.”

“Well. You might argue asexuals aren’t necessarily interested in sex,” said Even.

“But Isak is not asexual and he can’t just choose to become asexual. You’re either asexual or you’re not. Same with being straight or gay.”

Isak threw his head backwards on the couch and sighed. _Why is she lecturing me right now._

“Well, you might argue that humans go on diets and fast and stuff. He’s not giving up sex completely. He’s just holding off for a little while. Like a teatox. To feel healthier later,” Even added, and Isak wondered why they were talking about him as if he weren’t there.

“Yeah, except that this is the equivalent of starving himself. It’s not healthy to go this long without relieving himself. He might just go crazy and binge once he gives himself the green light.”

“Alright,” Isak sighed deep and loud. “Can we stop talking about me like I’m some character on a TV show? I’m not starving myself. I’m not doing a teatox. I’m just chilling. I suggest you do, too. Damn.”

Chris looked like she was about to say something about the merits of ‘fucking’ again when Mutta decided to join their party of three and pull up a chair by Isak’s side of the couch.

“Won’t you look at this. My three favorite people on one couch,” Mutta smiled, eliciting immediate gagging sounds from Isak and a chuckle from Even.

“Honestly, Mutta, I’ve been back for a few weeks now. You don’t have to say weird shit like this anymore,” Isak rolled his eyes.

But Mutta wasn’t laughing and he wasn’t taking it back. And when Isak looked back at Chris and saw how quiet she had gotten, he replayed the words in his head. _‘My three favorite people.’_

“I didn’t realize you two were close,” Isak kind of just blurted out before giving it much thought. They when he noticed Chris looking even more flustered while Mutta just grinned, something clicked in his head. _What in the world._

He snorted.

“Isak, wanna take a walk with me?” Even spoke.

“Even, I’m not touching your dick. I’m on a dicktox, remember?” Isak half-joked. _What an awful joke._

But one look into his eyes and he knew that Even was thinking about the Mutta and Chris situation, too.

“Yeah, but I have questions about _your_ dick being touched during this abstinence period. Is that allowed?” Even replied as he removed his arm from around Chris. “Care to give me more details as we stretch our legs?”

“Fine.”

.

“What was that?!” Isak broke into laughter as soon as they made it outside.

“What was what?” Even turned to give him a look, a cigarette already pressed between his lips as he fumbled with his pockets, probably looking for a lighter.

“Mutta and Chris?”

“Why are you laughing? You think it’s funny?” Even frowned, and _no,_ it wasn’t. It was just a little odd that’s all.

“It’s just odd. What a weird pairing. Don’t you think?” Isak laughed again.

“Is it because she doesn’t look like Noora?” Even muttered a bit harshly, something in his voice making Isak’s hands immediately curl into fists.

“What?! What the fuck. No? Why would you even say that?”

“Because you’re thinking it,” Even shrugged, finally succeeding in lighting his cigarette and Isak’s heart alike.

“Fuck you. You don’t know what I’m thinking!”

“You didn’t think Mutta and Noora were an odd pair,” Even challenged him, and _god,_ did he drive him up the wall.

“As a matter of fact, I did!”

“Because you didn’t think Mutta was as attractive as Noora.”

This time, Isak shoved him, on the chest, quite hard, too.

“How dare you?”

“Chris is a nice girl and you snorting back there was not nice, Isak,” Even simply looked at him, his eyes shining with something fierce and cruel behind clouds of smoke.

“I didn’t snort!”

“Isak.”

_Fine._ Maybe he did snort.

“Mutta and Chris have developed a beautiful friendship while you were gone,” Even added. “You wouldn’t find it odd if you actually listened to them talk. They have fascinating conversations.”

Isak couldn’t believe that Even had singlehandedly made him want to burst in a fit of rage then pacified him in matters of seconds. He felt like an idiot. He felt quite terrible if he was being honest. Superficial, shallow even.

“Let me guess. They don’t talk about how fucking is a physiological need,” Isak attempted, almost like a peace offering.

“No, Mutta wouldn’t be able to handle that, the prude,” Even smiled, leaning against the wall a bit. “They talk about politics, of all things. About the world and its changing landscape and stuff.”

“For real?”

“Yeah,” Even nodded. “She gets him to talk and he gets her to shut up. It’s quite perfect. I don’t think I ever heard Mutta talk that much about himself and his views before.”

“Wow.”

Isak just kind of stared dumbly while Even finished his cigarette in the cold. His mind jumped to that one time Mutta had confessed he didn’t wish to a burden to anyone, how Isak had tried to get him to be a little less selfless, to be a main character in his own life, failing every single time.

“Shit. I can’t believe Chris Berg got to Mutta, of all people?” he huffed.

“They might look different but they seem quite similar to me. Both of them sidelining themselves in a way. I don’t think Chris talks about herself to the girls very much either.”

Isak nodded in acknowledgement. It should have felt more ridiculous, but it didn’t. Not really.

“So Mutta is not into Noora anymore?” he asked. “Or was he ever, really?”

“I don’t know,” Even shrugged. “Maybe she really just did remind him of Lea after all.”

“Maybe,” Isak hummed as Even tossed the butt of the cigarette in a receptacle. “You think he likes Chris?”

“I don’t know,” Even replied, his back finally leaving the wall. “But we shouldn’t make it weird. It could be just friendship.”  

_It could be just friendship._

“I see.”

“Wanna head back?”

“Yeah.”

.

Isak felt odd after that night and the feeling never really left him. Not even on New Year’s Eve which they spent at some random person’s party.

His mind flashed briefly to the disastrous events of that previous year, to when Isak had done bodyshots with Even, made Sigve cry, then cried on a hospital rooftop after they made out and clung to one another desperately.

He was relieved that this year wasn’t as overwhelming, even though his heart pinched when he saw Sigve wearing the little pink bowtie he had gotten him for Christmas, bouncing around and clinging to him as soon as he got a few drinks in him. Mutta and Chris might have gotten close, but Mikael and Sigve clearly hadn’t.

_Maybe I just suck at this matchmaking thing._

He allowed himself one innocent dance with a guy who spent almost an hour staring at him, then let go and excused himself when he felt him getting too eager, hands traveling a bit further south than he had signed up for.

Chris wasn’t really talking to him and Isak hoped that it was just because she was busy and not because he had upset her by snorting that other night. But his hopes dissolved a bit when their eyes locked for a moment and he saw that she looked hurt before averting her gaze. Well, _shit._

He drank a bit more than he had planned to, but he just wished to calm his nerves a bit and not think about the previous year and the ones before that.

He was laughing with Jonas and Mutta in the kitchen when they revealed that they had met Danish Mikael. But his horror didn’t stop there, because apparently, Even had decided that it was a good idea to punch him in broad daylight.

“Fuck, guys. You promised!” Even groaned behind him, pressed against his back, startling Isak a bit because he hadn’t even realized that he was there, despite the fact that he had been leaning against his chest the whole time.

Isak was a little bit tipsy but he couldn’t help but feel like they looked like a couple tonight. They were matching—both wearing white shirts with no ties and black trousers—and Even almost had him on his lap while he leaned against the kitchen counter.

“You did what?” Isak turned his head to the side to blink at him. They were so close. It was ridiculous. What were they doing?

“I didn’t mean to!” Even whined.

“To Even’s defense, that guy was a little shit,” Mutta chimed in.

“What happened?” Isak asked, his chin still turned towards Even, his eyes following the movement of his lips.

“We ran into the dude on like our last night and he recognized Even,” said Jonas. “He said some mean shit about you and Even asked him to fuck off.”

“I don’t really know what went down between all of you. But he seemed to think that Even was your ex or something and that you had played him,” Mutta added.

_Fuck._

His cheeks flushed a bit and he could feel himself panic. He didn’t want to think about those times. Isak simply didn’t. And judging by Even’s hand on the side of his thigh, firm and strong, he could probably feel it.

“We don’t have to talk about this bullshit,” he groaned. “He was a dick. Whatever. Moving on.”

“We didn’t even talk about the punch,” Mutta whined.

“Moving on.”

.

It was almost midnight and Isak’s skin was starting to prickle where Even touched him. He suspected he was drunk too, because this was the most contact and attention he had given him since his early days back in town. It was almost midnight and Isak was trying to decide whether he should kiss him or not.

Isak wondered if Even was thinking about that, too.

But at 00:00, Even pressed his lips to his forehead instead, both hands cupping his face gently, with care, while Isak’s eyes fluttered shut.

“Happy New Year,” Even whispered.

“Happy New Year,” Isak whispered right back, before grabbing Even’s face and kissing him on the cheek, right on the corner of his mouth.

They smiled.

.

Isak walked Even home because he felt like it. They stumbled a bit on the pavement, clearly drunk but refusing to acknowledge it, and Even joked about Isak becoming increasingly more dominant in their relationship, walking him home, getting a buzzcut, dumping the tie.

“Friendship, Even,” he rectified with a smile. “It’s a friendship.”

They gave each other a smile and resumed walking.

“Did you really punch Danish Mikael?” he asked as they neared his street.

“Not my proudest moment.”

“But why?”

“He told me that he knew what he was doing the whole time. Approaching me and suggesting the threesome and stuff,” Even shrugged, making blood run cold in his veins.

“But how? What?”

“He looked you up online apparently. Knew your name was Isak. Heard your roommate call you that a few times, too. I guess he assumed I was your ex based on your insta or something and decided to get revenge.”

“Fuck,” Isak paused to process all of it.

“You know how to pick them.”

Isak shoved him but still smiled. Even always knew how to get him out of his own thoughts.

“I sure do,” he replied, maybe hoping Even understood he was referring to him, too.

“So yeah. I guess I punched him? When he just came over to me and told me all this bullshit all proud and smug. Like what the hell?”

“You don’t punch people. Were you drunk?” Isak pouted absently.

“No. I was just so angry? Because it kind of killed me to see you like that? I was still reeling with it and with how I couldn’t do shit in that bathroom but wait for you to come back to me on your own terms, and this guy just- You should have seen him. He was so smug about it. He drove me up the wall saying all this horrible shit about you. And like I get that he was hurt, but how could he hurt you like that deliberately? How cruel, how-”

Even paused, probably after realizing how silly he looked right now, all riled up in the middle of the street at three in the morning while Isak stared fondly.

“Anyways.”

“You punched a guy for me,” Isak observed dumbly.

“Not the first time.”

“Yes, but that was because _I_ got into fights and you were trying to break them off. This time I wasn’t even there.”

Isak had no idea why he was so happy but he just was.

“I guess I punched a guy for you,” Even shrugged, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“I’ll accept that as my second Christmas gift,” Isak grinned to himself.

“That’s fucked up.”

“Yeah. Just let me have it, yeah?” Isak actually giggled.

“What about me then?”

“Hm?”

“What’s _my_ fucked up Christmas gift?”

Isak turned to look at him, biting the insides of his mouth to anchor himself a bit.

“I told him you were my ex.”

.

January was stressful, but mostly because Isak had to get back to UiO and figure out his classes and new interests. He had enrolled in stem cell classes and more biosciences related seminars, but his excitement faded about a week into the semester. He was just bored and discouraged. He had expected his brain to be buzzing the entire time, to have an epiphany, to start feeling passionate about what he was studying. But he still wasn’t. He still felt like falling asleep thirty minutes into any lecture.

Isak didn’t have an ounce of Even’s passion for what he did. Not even close. Isak didn’t have an equivalent to Even’s daydreaming about movie scripts and spending his Christmas break editing footage he had taken. He didn’t have a topic he could talk about for hours at a time with sparkles in his eyes. He didn’t have anything that made him want to sacrifice his sleeping time or invest some of his money into. School was still just school. And Isak was starting to feel discouraged.

Even somehow seemed to have sensed his inner turmoil, probably based on Isak’s face after leaving his lectures. They talked about it briefly in the cafeteria. Then when Isak shut him down the third time, Even left his chair and gestured for him to follow.

“Where are we going?” Isak blinked.

“We gotta loosen you up.”

.

“You know, I gotta admit that when you said you were gonna loosen me up, my mind didn’t immediately go to weed,” Isak snorted on the strategically placed bench by one of the older and unoccupied buildings.

“Shit, Isak,” Even laughed, handing him the joint back. “What happened to your dicktox?”

“Practice and theory don’t always match. I might be abstaining, but my mind’s still in the gutter.”

They laughed and smoked until the sky darkened above their heads at barely four in the afternoon. Isak was feeling so out of it that he shifted on the bench and let his head fall on Even’s lap, curling into his side.

“What’s up with you?”

“I’m high,” Isak replied.

“Besides that.”

There was a pause, and truthfully Isak wasn’t sure how long it lasted.

“I realized that I’m into nothing,” he admitted.

“Huh?”

“Like how you love film and cameras and Elias loved vlogging and Mutta loves talking about law and politics. I don’t have anything like that. I’m passionate about nothing. I’m not talented at anything.”

“That’s not true.”

“If you say I have talent for something sexual, I will punch you, Even.”

Even laughed at that. _Good._ But he actually meant it.

“You like biology.”

“I’m good at biology. I have good grades. It’s different,” Isak rectified.

“You like to sing.”

“I can only sing church songs and about 3 pop ones.”

“You like physics, then.”

“That’s not true,” Isak scoffed. “I hate physics.”

“Not the subject at school,” Even chuckled. “More like the physics of things. Like the planets and the universe and all that stuff.”

“You mean astronomy.”

“See?”

“I like it. But I’m not like passionate about it or anything. It’s not something I can spend hours doing if that makes sense,” Isak shifted on his lap until he was on his back, now staring up at him. “Like I’m not interested in planets or aliens and stuff. It’s more the intersection of time and space that fascinates me. Like the possibility of there being many parallel universes.”

“That’s so nerdy, Isak. Like listen to yourself,” Even laughed.

“But it’s just one theory. I don’t even know the details or the science behind it. I just like thinking that when I fuck up here, maybe I haven’t fucked up in another universe. You know? It’s not something I’d talk about to people at parties or go attend conferences on. It’s just something for me. I don’t know.”

Even was silent above him, his hands looking awkward as if he was aching to touch his non-existing hair.

“You love stars, though,” Even eventually replied.

_No. I love one star. The one you can’t see when it’s dark._

.

Isak frowned when he got a notification from a certain Herman. He didn’t even have him on Facebook as a friend, but he still sent him a message request.

* * *

 

**Even**

**14:19**

Uh why is your ex boytoy asking me to do a photoshoot?

He contacted you?  
Shit i asked him to wait

wth?

He’s looking for a model for a shoot and i suggested you

Wtf are you crazy?

…

NOT LIKE THAT  
But no seriously what?

He’s desperate and he saw some shots i took of you in the past  
And yeah i thought it would be cool

Even what the HELL  
I’m NOT a model!

You don’t have to be one  
For what it’s worth i think you’re a natural  
He just needs a few shots

??????

I can be there with you if you want

Why don’t you do it yourself??

I’m always in his shots. He has to switch it up a bit

Yeah no

You won’t know what you’re passionate about until you try things  
no?

* * *

Isak wasn’t sure why he decided to partake in this. But there he was in the studio in the arts department feeling himself falter with every step. _This was a terrible idea._

Herman was gorgeous. It was almost painful. He was shorter than both Even and himself, but his jaw was chiseled and his eyes were green. Not the muddy green in Isak’s. No. It was clear green like emeralds. He was beautiful.

_This guy fucked Even._

“You should just take pictures of yourself, dude,” Isak offered to which Herman smiled.

“I like him,” he told Even.

Even was there for most of the shoot. It was awkward and painful. Isak couldn’t for the life of him figure out what he was even doing there or why. And about three takes in, Even was in his face directing him.

“Just relax. Just pretend it’s me taking the picture. Forget about the camera for a second.”

“Even, I can’t forget about it when I’m supposed to be looking at it,” Isak groaned.

“Well, maybe, imagine you’re looking at me directly?”

It didn’t work and after several tries, Isak expected Herman to just thank him for his time and ask him to leave. He heard the camera shutter go off while he was bickering with Even instead.

Herman asked Even to join Isak.

“Huh?”

“Both of you. You look good on camera together.”

It was awkward until it wasn’t. Herman took several shots and for some reason, having Even there, beside him, touching him, anchored him. He focused on his touch instead of the camera lenses. He stared right into it, but it no longer scared him.

* * *

**97ers + Isak og Sigve**

Elias: damnnn

Adam: you ok there? Having a crisis again?

Elias: shut up. The picture is sending

Elias:  


Mutta: wow what

Sonja: is this from the photoshoot with Herman?

Even: yes :))

Mikael: isak you’re looking good

Sigve: seconded

Yousef: thirded

Mikael: btw what are we doing for Even and Edvard’s birthdays this year?

* * *

It ended up being _lowkey._ They celebrated Edvard’s birthday with cake and party hats during the day because he needed to go to bed even earlier lately. Then they had a little get together at Eva’s house.

They drank and got high and cracked the most stupid jokes, and Isak let out a breath when Chris let him curl by her side for a bit. It took him about four drinks but he did apologize. He never said for what, hoping she would just get it, but she blinked at him the entire time.

Mutta joined them, looking a bit nervous as he sat down, and Isak leaned back to _observe_ the way Even did so well.

He was right. They clicked. Mutta only stayed for a few minutes before Adam called for him from the adjacent room, but he could see how he was more real with her than he was with any of them.

“So Mutta, huh,” Isak eventually let it out in the open, careful not to come off as rude.

“What about Mutta?” Chris blinked, her confident smile now back on her face.

“I see you girl,” Isak narrowed his eyes, making her wave her hand in his face and dismiss him.

“I’m gonna go make penis jokes over there with people who appreciate them now.”

.

Isak eventually found Even, his shame over memories from the previous year melting with the alcohol in his system. He had been so naive, so hopeful, clinging to Even desperately, whispering ‘I love you, I love you, Even’ into his skin and holding his breath. _He’ll say it back. He’ll say it back._

It was honestly humiliating.

“It’s the end of the world. And the only two guys left are Adam and Magnus on the planet. Who would you pick?” Elias asked Sonja.

Isak wasn’t sure what they were doing but it seemed like he had just joined some hypothetical game.

“I would rather die,” Sonja gagged.

“That’s fucked up,” Mikael frowned, and she immediately looked at Even and apologized.

“I obviously didn’t mean that,” she said.

“It’s chill, Sonja,” Even smiled that kind smile of his.

“Even!” Adam interjected, slurring his words. He was plastered. “It the end of the fucking world. Only Sonja and Isak are left on Earth. Who do you pick?”

Isak was drunk, but he still held his breath. It was a stupid game, and it didn’t mean anything, but he still held his breath.

“Like for a quick fuck or what?” Chris inquired, making everyone groan while she burst into laughter.

“No. For like forever,” said Adam. “It’s the end of the world!”

Isak held his breath.

“Well, if the human race has been wiped out and it’s up to me to make sure there’s more of us, I’m gonna have to go with Sonja,” Even shrugged. “Procreation and stuff. You know.”

_Fuck you._

Still, Isak smiled. He was drunk and it hurt a bit, but it didn’t hurt as much as it would have a year before. They were friends. They were buddies. It was chill. They hadn’t even kissed in New Year’s. He wasn’t even in love with Even anymore.

“I guess the Earth is fucked if it’s up to me or some other gay guy then,” Isak huffed in an attempted laugh.

“I’d definitely fuck Sonja though,” Mikael replied while he slurred his words, earning himself a pillow to the face from Adam.

“Don’t talk to her like that!”

.

Isak walked Even home again, silently this time. He had both hands in his pockets and his eyes were on the ground.

‘ _I’d pick Sonja. I’d pick Sonja. I’d pick Sonja.’_

“What’s on your mind?” Even asked halfway through their stroll. His cheeks were rosy and his hair was a mess. He was drunk.

“I love that you’re pansexual,” Isak replied with his eyes back on the ground. “I love that you like boys and girls.”

“Uh. Okay.”

“But it sucks sometimes.”

“Okay,” Even breathed again, but he didn’t sound hurt. “Uhm. May I ask why?”

“Double the heartache,” Isak shrugged, very well aware of what his confession entailed.

_Boys, girls. Double the heartache. Double the competition._

“For who?” Even asked as if he wasn’t clear enough.

“For me,” Isak replied.

“And me.”

.

Isak walked Even back home. Then when they got through the door, he somehow followed, uninvited. He hadn’t realized he was in Even’s room until the door closed behind him.

_Why am I here._

“I should go,” he mumbled.

He made it to the front door then turned on his heels, because he was drunk and feeling dumb and because he didn’t want to go to sleep with this weighing on his mind and his heart. He didn’t want to internalize this and make it ugly. He really didn’t.  

“Isak-”

But Isak cut him off by pressing him against the desk, both hands on his hips, squeezing.

_‘You’re becoming increasingly dominant in our relationship’._

Even’s pupils were blown out and he looked out of breath and scandalous. And for a moment, Isak realized that all it took was one touch to unravel him and turn him into _this._ A beautiful, outrageous mess.

“It’s the end of the world,” Isak breathes, his eyes boring into Even’s because _fuck it._ His eyes may not have been as green and as pretty as Herman’s, but he doubted Herman could turn Even into mush. “The earth is shattering, the sea is raging, the rivers are flooding, the sky is breaking, the stars are falling. All is lost. Everything is in chaos. It’s the end of the fucking world, Even!”

His grip got even tighter on Even’s hips, their stomachs now touching, their bulges, too. Even’s mouth has fallen open, his chapped lips almost begging.

“Isak-”

“It’s the end of the goddamn universe, Even,” Isak repeated because he was feeling dramatic, his fingers gripping him harder. “Who do you pick?” he paused to take him in, Even wrecked against his own desk. And it was all Isak’s doing.

He leaned in until they were breathing the same shallow air, until he heard Even’s breath hitch in his throat while he gripped the desk with both hands. Their noses were touching. He could almost taste him on his tongue.

“Sonja or me?”

“Fuck, Isak!” Even’s hands flew to his face, cupping it with urgency, with despair. “Of course, it’s you. Of fucking course!”

“What about the human race?” Isak panted because he hated the thought of Even becoming selfish because of Isak.

“I just want you.”

They stood there until they both regained their breaths, Isak trying to process those last four words. _I just want you._ Even had never said anything like that to him, ever. Had never sounded so desperate for him, so gone for him.

_Jesus._

Then Isak remembered how he had shattered him a year prior and took a step back.

“Happy birthday, Even,” he mumbled, still out of breath, only his hands had left his hips now. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

.

He saw him _tomorrow_ and then every day after that. They were joined at the hip, but Isak wasn’t struggling to keep up with Even’s large strides anymore. He wasn’t lagging behind. He wasn’t looking up to him as if he held the secrets of the universes anymore—Mutta actually argued the opposite. And Isak was starting to feel it, the shift in the balance. How it wasn’t so skewed to one side anymore. How they almost seemed at equal levels now. Even making Isak squirm and Isak making Even squirm. Even make Isak’s heart sink and Isak making Even’s heart sink.

It was balanced. It was perfect.

Even started seeing a guy named Adrian, and Isak had to physically stop himself from falling to the floor, laughing. It didn’t bother him. Not really. _Whatever._

Isak was moving on. His heart didn’t burn. He still felt like leaning in and kissing him from time to time but the burn of the rejection was no longer there. He no longer blamed him for all his troubles. For all his heartache. Things were great. And perhaps they would have always been if they hadn’t gone down the rabbit hole of kissing when they drank. Perhaps.

Mutta said that he was worried Isak was closing himself off, repressing his feelings and refusing to face them, but he was wrong. The feelings simply weren’t as strong anymore.

.

“Okay. What the hell?” Mikael blinked for the third time that evening. “Come again.”

Isak was just as confused if he was being completely honest.

“I know it sounds crazy. But I’m 200% she’s his granddaughter,” said Even, his blond hair bouncing everywhere.

“Uh. And you’re sure of that because?” Isak winced.

“I told you. I checked the posting for the wedding company I sometimes do photoshoots for and I saw the name of the bride and it’s Lea. Her mother filled out the photography posting and her full name is Julie Albertsen. Albertsen like Edvard. Helga told me that one of his daughters’ names is Julie. And I tried to check with Edvard without actually telling him what I’m up to and the ages basically match. Her billing address, too.”

Even seemed too eager, too excited, almost as if he were hypomanic. But perhaps he was simply excited because he had finally cracked the mystery of Edvard’s origins. Who knew.  

“And you want to take the job,” said Mikael.

“Yes.”

“And bring Edvard and both of us with you.”

“Yes.”

Isak sighed, discomfort clearly crawling its way to his bones. He didn’t like this. Infiltrating Edvard’s family business. He was private about that side of his life for a reason and Isak didn’t wish to make him uncomfortable.

“So basically, you want us to crash Edvard’s hypothetical granddaughter’s wedding,” Isak summarized.

“Yes.”

“In fucking Tromsø which is like 16 hours away,” Isak added.

“We could fly there. I’ll be getting paid for this.”

“Even, what are you talking about?”

Isak was reluctant to even bringing up the idea to Edvard’s attention. What if it upset him? He was assuming that he hadn’t been invited at all after all. Who wanted to go to a wedding when they weren’t even invited? What if it left a sour taste in his mouth?

.

Isak had no idea how this had actually ended up happening. Part of him was convinced that it wasn’t going to happen, so he felt blindsided when it all fell into place.

Edvard agreeing—although he hadn’t gotten to see that part because apparently Mikael had blurted it out all on his own— Helga going from a hard no to ‘okay’, Edvard’s doctors pushing back for a little while then agreeing that he could take the trip with the condition that they flew there and that a medically trained person assisted Edvard during the transit period. It all happened so fast that Isak barely had any time to process anything before Edvard had booked all of them flights through a travel agent.

“Why would you pay for this?” Isak complained.

“Because we are crashing a wedding for _me,”_ Edvard replied and it reminded Isak of his only condition: they had to crash. They couldn’t tell anyone that he was Lea’s grandfather. Even had argued that his family members would recognize him anyways, but Edvard brushed it off and said that they probably forgot what he looked like.

“Besides, why is _Mikael_ even coming? Why waste money on him? Even and I can take care of you.”

“Yeah, see. Someone needs to be around Edvard when Even and you are busy fornicating,” Mikael bit back.

“Piss off, Mikael!” Isak rolled his eyes. “Also, fornicating? Really?”

“I’m just minding my language around Edvard okay,” Mikael shrugged.

.

Weeks rolled by and before he knew it, it was May 28th already. They were at the airport with an electric wheelchair, several suits, three university boys, and a ninety one year old man.  

The flight was rather short, only a couple of hours, and Edvard didn’t seem in too much discomfort. At least not with Mikael entertaining him and showing him an episode of Paradise Island on his tablet.

Isak was still anxious and worried. He just couldn’t help it. Perhaps it was because he had always related to Edvard’s complicated family situation and he knew that he would never do such a thing himself. Perhaps.

“Here,” Even interrupted his thoughts beside him, shoving one of his headphones in Isak’s ear. “Watch a movie with me. Stop freaking out.”

“I’m not freaking out.”

“Yes you are.”

.

They watched some movie titled ‘Me Before You’, and Isak’s eyes widened the moment Even revealed his choice on his laptop. He had no idea what it was about but he felt put on the spot, as if Even was trying to tell him something.

Was this movie about someone finally putting themselves first? Was this about someone who was done making their life revolve around someone else’s? Was Even trying to tell Isak that he had noticed how he wasn’t as crazy about him as before?

Isak was wrong. And it wasn’t until the movie ended that he realized what ‘ _me before you’_ meant, even though it was the most obvious meaning.

_Me before I met you. Me before you happened._

It wasn’t how these three words made sense in his head. But then again, he had been utterly shocked when he realized that the male lead, Will, who had been left paralyzed after a terrible accident, wanted to end his own life despite finding love with the absolutely annoying and cheerful Louisa. Isak simply couldn’t wrap his head around the concept. It went over his head. He was shocked and angry and sad but he couldn’t look away from the screen, hoping until the very end that he would change his mind.

_How could you give up? This is crazy! How are they all okay with it? This is assisted suicide. This is insane!_

Isak was reeling but he was also crying, an interesting contrast with Even who was simply crying. The plane landed and Even was asked to put his laptop away, so they just stared at their hands for a little while, processing.

“What the fuck?” Isak groaned. “Who came up with this movie? What is it supposed to mean? What even?! This is worse than that Atonement movie!”

Even remained silent beside him, breathing deep and slow. He looked even more shaken than him, and when Isak took a second to think about it, he understood why. Even probably felt close to Will in a way. He wasn’t paralyzed, but he felt like a burden, like a liability most of the time. And those thoughts, those thoughts-

“Even,” Isak said his name tentatively, his hand clasping his. He couldn’t recall the last time they had held hands.

“Shit, that was dark,” Even chuckled. “It was under chick flicks on this website. What the fuck.”

Isak laughed, too. But it was tense. Everything was.

“Are you okay?” he asked, his thumb curling over the back of Even’s hand to brush him there.

“Yeah, it’s chill. I just feel weird. Sorry,” he chuckled again.

“You don’t have to brush it off. It’s fine. I get it.”

Isak could only guess, but Even was probably feeling _triggered._ There was a word for it and Chris Berg had taught him this one. The movie did not tell Even’s story. Not at all. Even hadn’t been in an accident that robbed him of his previous life and took away his ability, to walk and run and sit up and feed himself and fuck beautiful women. No. Even had been diagnosed bipolar, and even though there was a clear _before_ and _after_ following the diagnosis, it hadn’t been that earth shattering.

.

The hotel was nothing short of incredible. Edvard seemed to have no care in the world where his money went, obviously, except for the fact that they had only booked two rooms. One with two beds which could fit a wheelchair. And one with one king sized bed.

“Is this a joke?” Isak frowned.

“Guess I have to have a word with my travel agent,” Edvard shrugged with a smile.

_Ugh!_

“I’m obviously rooming with Edvard,” Mikael grinned.

.

“Why are you grinning?” Isak asked Even as he stood in front of the large floor to ceiling window.

“The sun.”

“What about it?”

“It doesn’t set here around this time of the year,” he turned around to smile at Isak. “Isn’t it amazing?”

“Yeah.”

_It doesn’t set for me either. Except it’s all year round._

.

Isak woke up to an empty bed and a note. They hadn’t even touched all night, not even cuddled, the bed being large enough to fit both of their bodies. Isak had actually fallen asleep before Even even left the shower. He had spent ages in there, nearly making him worry. _Just what are you doing in there._

 

> _Iss. I’m headed to the wedding venue to set up my equipment and talk to the rest of the team._ _  
> _ _See you at breakfast._
> 
> _-Even_

Isak rolled his eyes. Why did Even feel the need to leave him a note? Isak knew he was going to leave early in the morning. He had in fact informed him the night before.

.

Isak didn’t see Even at breakfast because Edvard woke up looking ill and feeling terrible. The hotel ordered them a taxi, and they all rode to the hospital with worry dancing in their eyes. Isak was actually on the verge of tears, but he willed the lump in his throat away. It was time to be strong.

Thankfully, Edvard regained some of his energy by early afternoon with the help of a round of hypodermoclysis, and they all made their way back to the hotel on time to start getting dressed.

.

The wedding ceremony was breathtaking. It was even more gorgeous than the last one they had crashed, Isak realized. However, he couldn’t really enjoy his time because his heart jumped to his throat whenever someone approached them or spared Edvard a rather long glance.

Isak was terrified of something happening and ruining Edvard’s day. He was terrified of Edvard suddenly going into cardiac arrest over emotional shock. Isak was very dramatic, _okay._

.

Lea was beautiful and it even hurt to think of the name. She looked like what he imagined _his Lea_ would look like today. She was tall and carried herself with grace and her smile was kind. Isak couldn’t stop staring, barely paying attention to the groom.

Isak was mesmerized by her, _Lea._

_What if in another universe you’re alive and well and getting married today. What if in another universe, I’m at your wedding right now._

“She’s so beautiful,” Isak choked up, his head immediately coming down to rest on Edvard’s shoulder, defeated.

“She is.”

Isak cried. It made no sense, but he cried at the thought of his sister still being alive today, right now, right here, with him. Lea, his best friend, his protector, his shield and armor. Lea who put both hands over his ears whenever their parents used to fight, who rebelled at age ten and took him by the hand to lead them outside with no permission just to drown out the noise. Lea who fought the boys who made fun of his long hair, who squeezed his body when he couldn’t sleep, who told him he was beautiful, who made everything so warm and so perfect all the time. Lea. His sister. His family. And perhaps he was idealizing her in his head. Perhaps he was putting too much pressure on her memory. But Isak still wished, still closed his eyes and pictured her in a wedding gown, dancing with their father, their mother clapping in the background with the widest smile.

Isak broke down.  

And perhaps this was what he had been scared of all along, not Edvard breaking, not Edvard getting into an altercation with old family members. No. It was him finally allowing himself to feel how the mere name, Lea, made him choke up and wish the floor could swallow him whole.

_Grief doesn’t have a deadline._

Edvard gave him as much comfort as he could and Isak felt selfish for taking this moment away from him, for breaking down and demanding attention while his granddaughter was literally getting married. But Edvard didn’t seem to care.

Edvard tended to him and him first.

Isak had no idea what he had done to end up this lucky.

.

Alcohol. Alcohol helped a lot. Even was back, having once again signed up for ceremony but not party duty. Smart guy.

Isak particularly loved alcohol in weddings. It was never the low quality bunch and it hit him hard and fast. So Isak drank. He drank to forget and he drank to dance. And he danced.

He was so euphoric that he dragged Edvard on his wheelchair in the middle of the dance floor and made him twirl with the remote control. He eventually stopped when Mikael said he might kill him, but he remained on the dance floor in his black fitted suit. He loved this damn suit. It made him feel so sexy.

Isak’s thoughts made no sense.

“Hey,” Even breathed in his direction and Isak felt his knees buckle.

_Great._

Perhaps feeling one thing meant feeling more things. Perhaps Mutta had been right after all. Perhaps Isak had shut himself down these past months, refusing to feel and acknowledge how he felt. Because his entire nerve system reacted to Even’s voice just now. Every nerve end responded.

“Even,” Isak smiled, his hands finding his waist and settling there.

“How are you?”

“I’m okay.”

They rocked in each other’s arms for a bit, Even’s hands coming up to cup Isak’s cheeks which had been so damp just an hour before. He was almost grateful that Even had been working when he cracked.

“Baby, did you cry?” Even said the words gently, too gently. Isak felt his knees buckle again. _I’m not in love with you anymore. What is this._

Isak nodded because his brain couldn’t commit to a single thought.

“She reminded me of our Lea, Even,” he pouted or sniffled or _whatever._ Isak had no idea what he was doing.

“She reminded me of our Lea, too.”

They bumped into an old man and apologized, careful not to bring too much attention to themselves.

“Are you Lea’s friends or her husband’s?” he asked.

“Uh, Lea’s,” Even replied.

“Oh, how wonderful,” the man smiled. “I’m her grandfather, Albert.”

“Oh! From her father’s side?” Isak asked.

“No, her mother’s. I’m Julie’s father.”

.

It was rather sobering. Isak and Even went outside to smoke and assess the situation. It felt odd, how the sun was still shining so late in the evening.

“Should we tell him?” Isak asked.

“Tell him what?”

“That he’s wrong. That we messed up. That she’s not his granddaughter.”

Even pondered, sucking on the cigarette for a little too long.

“Do we have to? I mean we still have to fly back tomorrow and what if it gets to him and upsets him?”

“Fuck,” Isak sighed. “Just fuck! This sucks! He’s gonna be so embarrassed!”

“Not if we don’t tell him.”

“What if her grandfather grabs the mic and gives a speech right now? He might find out any minute now. It’s gonna be even shittier if it’s someone else.”

“Shit,” Even muttered.

He finished his cigarette then pulled out another one which they shared this time.

“You hate smoking.”

“I hate many things.”

“Let’s loop in Mikael,” said Even. “I can go call for him.”

“And leave Edvard out there all alone?”

“He was entertaining some kids. It’ll just be a few minutes.”

“Okay.”

.

Mikael stared at both of them with wide eyes and hair pointing in all directions. He looked a little bit out of breath, cheeks flushed from all the dancing. He looked pretty, Isak concluded dumbly.

“I feel like the world’s biggest fucking asshole,” Even sighed. “I can’t believe I dragged all of you into this bullshit! Fuck me! Just fuck!”

“Hey,” Isak put a hand on his shoulder. “It’s not your fault. It’s just shit. We can’t do anything about it but at least Edvard is happy. No?”

Even placed his hand on top of Isak’s and nodded weakly. “Anyways, I’m starting to think we should just head back and maybe tell him tomorrow or when we get back to Oslo.”

“Uh, what?!” Mikael finally spoke. “The party has barely started.”

Isak and Even both exchanged puzzled looks.

“Mikael, are you listening dude?” Even blinked. “This whole thing is a bust. She’s not his granddaughter. This isn’t even his family at all which explains why exactly nobody seemed to recognize him. Although, it’s a bit more fucked up that he hasn’t seemed to notice that they’re not his family. Wait. Do you think he’s losing his memories now? Fuck-”

Even stopped because Isak squeezed his shoulder. But it wasn’t a gentle squeeze. It was a _pay attention_ squeeze. Pay attention because Mikael’s face was falling apart.

“Mikael?”

“Fuck, guys!” he sighed dramatically, bringing both hands to his face then running them through  his hair.

“Uh?! What the hell is going on?” Isak frowned.

“Promise me you won’t fucking kill me.”

“Mikael?!” it was Even’s turn to freak out. “You better talk now.”

“Shit. Fuck. Fine. Dammit!”

“Today, maybe?!” Isak groaned, his foot now tapping nervously against the floor.

“Edvard knows.”

.

Edvard had known all along that this family wasn’t his, that this Lea wasn’t his, that none of this was really real. Edvard had known all along.

“But it makes no sense?!” Isak nearly shouted. “What?!”

“Even was so excited and it just sounded so nice to him, you know? To travel here and crash a wedding with some people who give a shit about him. I don’t know,” Mikael stammered.

“Oh god!” Even turned around to press both hands against the wall and let his head fall. “This is all my fucking fault.”

“That’s not what I’m saying! If anything, it’s all thanks to you. Do you know how happy he is right now? He’s so fucking happy, he could die right now,” Mikael spoke with so much vigor. Isak had never seen him like this, almost shaking.

“Why would he lie to us. I don’t fucking get it?” Isak hissed. “Like. if he just wanted to spend a shit ton of money and crash a dumb wedding he could have just said it. Why all this bullshit?! Why all the games? Why tell you and not me? I don’t get it!”

“Because her name’s Lea.”

And that hurt. It really did. That was why Edvard had been so present for him back there, giving him a shoulder to cry on when Isak broke. It all made sense now. This trip wasn’t for him to see his granddaughter. It was for Isak and Even. It was for them.  It was a gift.

“Fuck him!” Isak nearly barked, his heart sore with the realization that he had been played so blatantly.

“Don’t say that,” Even sighed.

“I obviously don’t mean it. But what the hell?! This whole masquerade was so that I could watch a girl named Lea walk the aisle and be reminded of my own dead sister? What even?!” Isak blinked in disbelief. “I’m going in there and I’m going to talk to him!”

“Like hell you will,” Mikael cut him off, flinging his entire body in front of Isak’s.

“Excuse me?”

“You will calm down. Both of you. Take five or ten more minutes. He’ll just assume you’re fucking in the bushes anyways. Then after you’re done acting like dumb children, you’ll come back inside with a smile and a drink, and you will laugh with Edvard and pretend nothing’s wrong.”

“Mikael, are you serious right now-” Even stole the words right out of Isak’s mouth.

“Yes,” he replied. “And you know why? Because that old fart in there is smart and cunning and he can be manipulative, but he has a heart of gold, okay? He’s a fucking unicorn. He called the cops when my dad showed up to his house because he thought he was going to force me back to the house and take me to religious stuff to turn me straight. He called the fucking cops at ninety years old. He told my dad to fuck off and he called the cops. Who does that? Granted, my dad literally just wanted to apologize and talk to me. But still. Edvard never judged me, not even once. He laughs at my jokes and he listens to my boring crap and he understands me even if we don’t agree on most things. He paid for your semester in Denmark and he got Even out of his weird emo phase after you left. He paid for Helga’s house renovations and even gives her children money on the side. He opens his house to all of our friends and he let Sigve spend the night whenever things got rough for him with his dad. He’s doing his fucking best the best way he can. When Even told him about the wedding, he hesitated because he knew this was all bullshit. But then when I told him about Lea, he immediately started calling his doctors and travel agents and whatever. He’s literally a fucking angel! You don’t get to take this away from him. You can’t. I won’t let you!”

Isak glanced at Even and felt weirdly comforted by the fact that he was teary eyed, too.

“Mikael-”

“And you know why I played along?! You wanna know? Because I know he might not be able to travel again. He almost died right before you came back, you know. He had a stroke and I was so scared, but he made me promise not to tell anyone because he doesn’t wanna weigh on your minds and worry you. So yes, you were right. He wasn’t just chilling at the hospital for two weeks. He was trying really hard not to die. He literally wants nothing but to fucking live. He doesn’t even want pity or sympathy. But yes, go ahead, and get pissed at him because he’s trying to baby you and protect you like you’re gonna fucking break. God. Just! Get your heads out of your asses for once! Not everything is about your weird fucking love story, goddammit!”

Isak never thought Mikael would ever make him and Even cry in freaking Tromsø outside a wedding. He never thought this kid he had resented for so long carried so much compassion and care and love in his heart. It had never even crossed his mind. So when he flipped both of them off—because he was a goddamn child— then headed back inside, Isak was left panting against the wall.

_What the fuck._

“Shit,” Even muttered.

“We have six more minutes,” said Isak.

.

It all went down the exact way Mikael had said it would. They went back inside, with bloodshot eyes and messy hair. They stopped by the bar and downed a drink, then carried their second one over to Edvard’s table. They joked about Even never wearing a tie, then Isak dragged Edvard to the dance floor for another twirl.

Mikael cried at one point because he was Mikael, and when Even walked over to him to wrap him in a tight hug, Isak didn’t even feel a hint of jealousy.

Then when Even asked for a dance, Isak didn’t even object, gladly offering his body and soaking up all the comfort he could get. So they swayed in each other arms to the rhythm of whatever Ed Sheeran song was playing this time, until Even buried his fingers in Isak’s hair.

“It’s all grown now,” he whispered into his ear.

“It is.”

“Still on your dicktox?” Even raised his eyebrows.

“I was literally crying outside five minutes ago,” Isak laughed. “Let me breathe.”

.

“I think I’m going to head back to the hotel now,” said Edvard while Isak struggled to stay on his  feet. “But all of you should stay.”

“I’ll take you,” said Mikael. “I’m tired anyways. And I’m sure they’ll start making out soon.”

Isak didn’t even have any energy to roll his eyes or act undignified.

“I’m ordering a taxi but they can’t fit the wheelchair,” said Mikael. “Do you mind bringing it back to the hotel?”

It was insensitive and rude, and if it were his wedding, Isak would have kicked both of them out. But they were both drunk and feeling fourteen. So when Even sat on the wheelchair and pulled him into his lap, Isak did little to nothing to stop him.

“Fancy a twirl?” Even smiled.

“Shit. This is like that dumb movie you made us watch on the plane,” Isak laughed, turned on the side to face Even.

“It wasn’t dumb.”

“Yeah, but it made you sad so it was dumb. Also why am I Louisa and why are you Will? I don’t like this.”

“We’re not Louisa and Will. We’re Isak and Even.”

“Yeah we are.”

Their drunk talk verged on something unintelligible after that. Neither of them making sense long enough to keep a train of thought going. So they twirled around on Edvard’s wheelchair and Isak laughed when Even cupped his ass.

“You’re insane,” he huffed, swatting his hand away.

“Your dicktox is over, Isak. I can literally bury my fingers in your hair.”

“Doesn’t mean you get to cup a feel!”

“But I Just. Want. To. Touch. You.

And _alright._ Perhaps Even was far more drunk than he was because he was being borderline delirious. Still, Isak stared. He sat there on his lap, feeling him harden beneath him, and he stared.

_What are we going to do. You and I._

Then some song Even apparently liked very much started playing and they were now both on their feet.

**Now Playing: Troye Sivan - My My My!**

_Shine on, diamond_  
_Don’t make me wait another day_  
_‘Cause passion is passion_ _  
_ You know it just as well as me

Even placed his hands up in the air and just danced at his heart’s content. He didn’t have a care in the world. Not a single one. And he looked _fucking_ beautiful.

So Isak took the leap of faith and wrapped his arms around his waist.

_Now let’s stop running from love_  
_Running from love_  
_Let’s stop, my baby_  
_Let’s stop running from us_  
_Running from us_ _  
_ Let’s stop, my baby

Delirious with want and pure and simple happiness. Isak’s heart was about to explode.

_What are we gonna do. You and I?_

.

They took turns pushing the wheelchair, Even stopping every few minutes to take a picture of the sky and repeat that he couldn’t believe it was day in the middle of the night. He was visibly still drunk, so Isak stared at him with nothing but fondness. Tomorrow, they could get back to normal, but tonight, today, he could look at him like he loved him.

“It’s so beautiful,” Even marveled beside him, squinting at the sky, his white shirt unbuttoned at the collar, his blond hair unruly and soft, looking tall and beautiful and perfect.

“What is?”

“The sun here. It never sets.”

_That's how it always feels like to me. You're my sun and my sun never sets._

“That’s how I feel about you,” Isak blurted out with both hands on the wheelchairs’ handles one moment, then around Even’s neck the next.

Isak didn’t know who had willed his legs to move first, but perhaps it was both of them, clinging to each other like they would die without the friction.

They were kissing. Kissing like lovers did. With hands and moans and dizzying, dizzying touches. Isak felt himself come apart with his lips between Even’s teeth, under Even’s tongue, against Even’s lips. Even who was kissing him like he wasn’t sure how to anymore. It was clumsy and desperate and so cute, with Even breaking the kiss to try a new angle every few seconds, like he couldn’t make up his mind, like he wanted to make this perfect but forgot how to use his lips. It was so honest and adorable that Isak just had to break the kiss to look into his eyes.

“Breathe, babe,” he teased, wondering how he was even capable of teasing. He then cupped Even’s face and brought him down, slowly, carefully. “Kiss me slow, Even.”

He kissed him slow. They kissed slow and perfect until Isak backed him up against a wall just so that he could get further lost in him. They were drunk. They were sloppy. They were delirious. But tonight, Isak was kissing the sun. His sun. And his sun never set.

It never set.

.

They stumbled into their room, leaving the wheelchair outside because it couldn’t get through the door, and Isak wondered how they had even managed to get it all the way back here.

They pulled the curtains and shutters until it was pitch dark, then Isak rolled over Even until he was straddling him in bed.

They kissed deep and they kissed hard, Even sucking on Isak’s tongue frantically while his hands ravaged him. And they were drunk. Of course they were. But Isak was in bed with the sun.

“Stop saying that,” Even laughed, making him cover his own mouth for a second because he hadn’t realized he had been saying it out loud.

“Maybe we should stop,” Isak suggested while Even ran his hands up and down Isak’s thighs, sizing them. “We’re drunk.”

Even kissed him and Isak sucked on _his_ tongue this time, with both hands on his cheeks, just trying to get closer, somehow even closer.

“You’re fucking killing me,” gasped, kind of bringing him back to reality.

“We should sleep,” Isak continued, his lips now tracing Even’s jaw.

“Yes, your dicktox.”

“Shut up.”

Isak rolled over, praising himself for his willpower and self-control under such circumstances. Then moaned when Even’s hands found his waist and rolled on top of him, pressing almost the entirety of weight on his body, nailing him to the mattress.

“Shit, Even.”

“Let me suck you off,” Even asked with so much tenderness in his voice that Isak just thought he was going to pepper him with kisses down there.

“Even.”

“Please. I just need to feel you.”

_Give me strength._

Isak kissed him again, this time sighing and humming into the kiss, as if it were his favorite song.

“I’m gonna go change out of my suit,” he said once Even was rendered weak enough to roll him off his body.

.

When Isak got back to the room and slid under the covers, he hoped that Even was asleep, that he wouldn’t make him turn down his offers again.

But Even was not only awake, he was also naked under the comforter.

“Even. Oh my god.”

But Even didn’t say a word. He just remained completely still on his side of the bed, breathing hard and breathing deep as if his chest was about to be cracked open.

“Even,” Isak tried again. In vain.

They remained there in complete silence. Isak in the dinosaur pajamas Edvard had gotten him for Christmas and Even completely naked.

_What do we do? What are we doing?_

Isak tried but Even wasn’t telling him what he wanted. It was almost as if he wanted Isak to make up his own mind. It was almost as if lust was eating him up from the inside out.

Isak reached over and kissed him on the mouth, careful not to touch him down there, careful not to rub himself against him. Isak was careful. But Even wasn’t. Even was hard and he was desperate and he was giving up.

“Isak!”

“What do you want?” he asked, his hands reaching down his own pants to push them off. He wasn’t going to pleasure Even in the pants Edvard had given him.

“Isak.”

Isak’s mind was fishing for answers. _Does he want oral? Can my hands do? Will he forgive me for this when he’s sober? Will I forgive myself? Does this mean anything at all? Is this just sex? Sex with his favorite star, the sun. What is this? What were the boundaries? Were there any?_

“Do you remember my birthday when I ruined everything?” Even sighed, his lips pressing tiny little kisses all over Isak’s face. They were both naked now. Naked and hard.

“Yes.”

“Do you remember when I asked you to fuck me?”

“Yes,” Isak replied, out of breath, heart slightly pinching at the memory. He didn’t want to think about this right now.

“I really wanted you to fuck me.”

Isak’s brain melted at the words, trying to attach meaning to them without diving too deep into those memories. Isak didn’t really know what to do, so he grabbed Even's length and stroked.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Even moaned. “I want you to. I wanna know what it's like to feel you in me. With me. You have no idea how badly. And I'm not drunk, Isak. I'm not.”

_Fuck._

Perhaps Isak had overreacted that night. Or perhaps he hadn’t. Perhaps Isak had wanted love that night when Even had wanted sex.

Perhaps this had been their thing all along, Isak craving love and affection and attention because he had been touch-starved and unloved his whole life, and Even craving his body and his scent and his sweat and his flesh because he was spiraling with lust and want for him.

Perhaps it was the reason Even unraveled so easily when Isak touched him but barely flinched when he told him that he loved him. Perhaps he had gotten it all wrong. All the kisses, and the fucking, and the cuddling, and the way Even’s body reacted to his so undeniably. Perhaps that part was actually all real. Perhaps Even's heart simply didn’t follow.

Perhaps.

_Me before you. You before me._ The words lost all meaning now.

“Fuck me, Isak.”

Isak fucked him.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello. I had 2 hours of sleep and im at work. I might be dying. But here's what happened this chapter.
> 
> Isak came back and grew more comfortable in his skin in a way. His semester away has been good to him, because he comes back with more self-confidence and drive. He wants to be passionate about something. He wants his happiness to have multiple factors. He wants to be better. His relationships get deeper and his bond with Even is strong but he's not his main focus anymore. 
> 
> The dicktox starts out as a joke but Isak finds himself enjoying it. He doesnt feel as much for a while and he attributes it to the fact that his feelings simply aren't that strong anymore. It's not true. Obviously. He's suppressing it. Shutting himself off. Trying to "keep it chill". 
> 
> Even is more transparent this update. He's a bit desperate. Isak comes back without telling him and finds a girl in his shower. Even has kind of been seeing people casually because he's bored and empty and sick of waiting. But Isak won't let him explain. He sees Olivia from Tinder because he wants to explain why he won't be seeing her anymore and Isak assumes it's a booty call. They're dancing around each other, both of them just kind of scared because they both said I Love You and never followed up.  
> .  
> At the end, Even is drunk and happy and he wants him. So he tells him. "I want you. Fuck me." He's raw with it, his want. But it's so raw that Isak doesn't see the emotion behind it, just lust.  
> So yes. They have sex.   
> .  
> What now?  
> \- Edvard's identity is still a mystery  
> \- Chris Berg and Isak kind of get closer  
> \- It's Isak's birthday soon  
> \- Isak and Even enter a very, very, sexual relationship. And while Isak tries to leave it at that, he finds himself fascinated by how easy it can be to commhbicate when they just allow themselves to roll around in bed for days at a time.  
> .  
> Please read this <333  
> I joined ao3 skam one year and 6 days ago and it's been such an incredible ride. I never thought I'd be able to write 750k while working full time but i'm so so happy I did. It was all thanks to you and all your love and support. writing these stories and reading your comments has made most of my days so much brighter and worth getting through.  
> i can't believe i got to 31K kudos. you guys are INCREDIBLE. thank you SO MUCH for everything. 
> 
> I learned so much this year and it's been amazing and humbling and overall an absolute honor writing for you <3 thank you. Leave a comment if you want <333


	13. Friends (With Benefits) (2011)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Let's take it chill"
> 
> In which we up the rating. Featuring hotel rooms, love bites, t-shirts, wet hair, Isak doing a lot of running and other physical activities like hurting himself doing stupid things, Chris Berg, a trip to the hospital, a surprise visitor, Mutta THRIVING, EXTRA Even, and soft soft soft Even.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long time no NLMLY. this update took time because I'm awkward with 'steamy scenes'. kill me. aaa *runs* 
> 
> hope you like this. let me know if you do. love you my sweet sweet readers <3
> 
> warnings: THE scene is a bit intense, so brace yourself. Mentions of self-loathing and body-shaming.

Isak stood in front of the reception desk with a feeling akin to nausea at the pit of his stomach. He was dressed in a white t-shirt and jeans, his hair still damp from the shower he had just taken. His hand was in a fist and his eyes were searching Mikael and Edvard’s faces for any signs of suspicion or knowledge. 

If anything, the visible tension in his body only served to bring attention to himself, as Mikael narrowed his eyes and asked him what was wrong with a shake of his head. 

‘Nothing,’ Isak mouthed then looked away. 

He couldn’t understand why they had to physically check out of the hotel, why they couldn’t just walk away. They were in the twenty first century, why did they need to line up behind the reception desk to return their magnetic cards and talk about their feelings? Isak wanted to leave this hotel already. 

“This is taking too long. You guys should go wait for the car outside,” said Isak in an exasperated tone. “I’ll do the checkout.”

“We need to tell them about items we’ve used in the room,” said Mikael. “I ate half the stuff in the mini-fridge.” 

“Can’t they do inventory later?” Isak frowned. 

“Edvard wants to talk to the receptionist about our stay. He’s upset with their on-demand movie selection,” Mikael explained. “Also, why didn’t you dry your hair? It’s dripping on your shirt.” 

_ Shit.  _

“I thought we missed the time for checkout and I ran out as soon as I was done,” Isak explained. 

“And where is Even?” 

“Still showering.”

Mikael’s eyes widened and Isak wanted to shove something in his stupid mouth. 

“Forgot to set up an alarm?” Mikael grinned, trying to stop himself from cackling. Isak hated him.

“Something like that.”

“Long night?” Mikael finally snorted.

Isak tightened his fist and it took all of his self-control to ignore him and get away with an eye roll. Thankfully, Mikael didn’t press and Isak could regain control over his breathing and his pulse.

It didn’t last long. Because Even was right there a moment later, his hair dripping wet, wearing dark jeans, a bright smile, and one of Isak’s t-shirts—the one he had worn on their way to Troms ø.

Isak choked at the sight, his eyes immediately widening, his heart flying to his throat, pounding there uncontrollably. Even had love bites all over his neck and then a few more by his collarbones. He seemed utterly unbothered by the marks on his skin, proud even, holding his head up high and smiling like Isak hadn’t seen him smile in a while. He looked obscene and beautiful. Isak felt his heart stir in his chest. 

“Morning gentlemen,” Even greeted them, ignoring how Mikael’s eyes were blinking in disbelief. Mikael kept looking between the two of them as if awaiting some sort of announcement.

Isak looked away.

“Fun night?” Edvard asked from he was sat on his wheelchair. He couldn’t turn his head to the side to take in Even’s appearance but Isak was positive that there was teasing in his tone.

“It was alright,” Even smiled, his eyes disappearing behind their lids. 

“You sound very happy,” Edvard continued, a knowing smile on his mouth. 

“I am.” 

Isak wished the floor could open up beneath his feet and swallow him whole. He was mortified watching Edvard almost slap Even on the back in congratulations. 

“We, uh, we should check out,” Isak stammered. “It’s our turn.”

Mikael recited all the candy bars he had consumed in the room then stepped to the side to let Edvard express the need for more diverse movies for guests in the hotel. Isak had no idea the old man even cared for films in the first place and the entire scene seemed almost comical, like a tantrum Even would throw otherwise. 

Still, Isak refused to look at Even after the initial shock, keeping his eyes on Edvard and occasionally lifting them to the brown eyed receptionist. He was cute, Isak observed objectively. His name tag read ‘Jakob’ and he was throwing Isak interesting glances. Isak knew those glances. 

Under other circumstances, he might have even flirted back. But how could he when Even was right there looking gorgeous, fresh, and well-fucked under the morning light. Isak’s heart was twisting inside his chest. 

“And for the second room?” Receptionist Jakob asked, his soft brown eyes on Isak. “Have you consumed anything from the mini-bar?” 

“No. But we’ve consumed a condom and lube,” Even offered very matter-of-factly.

Edvard seemed as though he was going to go into cardiac arrest in his wheelchair whereas Mikael let out a yelp in sheer horror. 

Isak’s ears were ringing. 

He knew Even was unpredictable and wild and that he didn’t have a care in the world. He knew that the love bites ornamenting his neck were evidence enough of their ‘long night’. But he didn’t think he would actually declare it to the world. He didn’t think Even would go as far as say ‘we fucked!’ though without using the words. 

Isak couldn’t believe him. 

“Even!” he almost yelled in his direction, finally sparing him a look, finally meeting his eyes. His cheeks were flushed, he knew it. He knew what  _ this  _ looked like. 

“I should have organized this trip a long time ago,” Edvard mused, chuckling to himself while Isak struggled to breathe. 

.

The trip to the airport was short but tense. Isak claimed the front seat in the taxi and refused to turn around. He put on his headphones and listened to some angry rap. 

Waiting for their flight was just as awkward, with Isak taking trips to the souvenir store to avoid being in the same space as Even. He didn’t trust himself not to combust. 

Isak was angry but he wasn’t even sure why he was angry. Perhaps it was because Even had made sure to borrow a shirt from Isak’s luggage while waiting for his turn to use the shower. Or perhaps it was because he hadn’t even put an effort into hiding the marks on his skin—though no one had asked Isak to put them there. Or perhaps it was the condom incident. 

Isak wasn’t sure why he was so tense, why his body refused to relax while Even carried himself with ease like he had never been this happy, this peaceful.

Isak remained tense until they made it to the plane, until the flight attendants sat Edvard at the very front with Mikael accompanying him. Isak remained tense when he realized that Even and his seat were in the back, that Mikael and Edvard couldn’t see them. Isak remained tense when he started scanning the plane for passengers who would be willing to switch seats with him, his best bet being a young girl around their age who would probably be happy sitting next to a guy like Even. 

Isak remained tense when Even’s hand found his fist and squeezed it gently, startling a gasp from Isak who kept his eyes on their hands. 

“Look at me,” Even asked, his voice soft, his gaze soft. 

Isak did. He lifted his eyes and locked them on Even’s.  _ Even.  _ He looked three years younger with this hair and this shirt and this smile. And Isak wanted to tell him. 

But he didn’t have time to utter a word. Because Even cupped his face with his large hand and leaned in. 

Kissing Even was always daunting. Not because he forgot to breathe or because Even’s lips were overwhelming and relentless. Kissing Even was daunting because it always hurt. It always hurt to kiss him because he was always reminded of the times when they weren’t kissing. It was so bad when it was bad that even when it was good, Isak couldn’t help but think about the bad.

Even deepened the kiss until Isak got dizzy, the fingers that were holding his hand now pushing into his knuckles to make him unclench his fist. And he did. Unclench his fist and the rest of his muscles, eventually. 

Isak almost whimpered when Even forced his hand open and laced their fingers together. He almost whimpered when Even pressed him against the seat and tilted his head to the side to kiss him deep and slow. Just like Isak liked it. 

They kissed until Isak’s free hand was in Even’s hair, pulling gently, as if to anchor himself. They kissed until Isak could feel the tension leaving his body. They kissed until the flight attendant started demonstrating safety measures. 

He felt it then, the stirring in his heart, when their lips parted in an obscene pop, a trail of spit between their mouths, their eyes hooded and hungry. 

“This is for walking out of that room before I got to kiss you good morning,” Even breathed softly, his thumb still brushing Isak’s cheekbone. 

“You’re an idiot,” Isak flushed, smiling shyly because he couldn’t help it. 

“You wouldn’t look at me all morning. I’m hurt,” Even pouted, his eyes sparkling.

“You told everyone that we fucked!” 

“I did no such thing,” Even smiled. “I merely reported the items in that room that we used.”

“What could a condom and lube be used for, Even?!” 

“I don’t know. Maybe I was teaching you how to use them, platonically. Maybe you brought that cute receptionist to the room while I was out skinny dipping.”

Isak shoved him in the chest, frowning. 

“Platonically? You’re an idiot!”

Even took hold of Isak’s wrist, gently, then turned it towards himself until he could kiss his palm. He pressed three kisses there while Isak melted into his seat.

“I was jealous,” Even admitted. “Forgive me.” 

“Jealous of who? Are you for real? After what we did yesterday?!”

Isak stopped himself, biting his tongue. 

“What we did yesterday,” Even repeated, his thumb brushing against Isak’s pulse on his wrist. He could probably feel it quickening under his touch.

* * *

 

**_Yesterday._ **

_ “Fuck me, Isak.” _

The heaviness of the moment hadn’t dawned upon Isak until Even actually uttered those words. Three simple words. A request. An invitation. A promise. Isak could feel both of their pulses quicken. His was in his throat and Even’s under his fingertips. Tension oozed off of their bodies at the words hovering over them. 

It was a rather simple request. Isak had heard those words before, uttered in the same order, with the same level of desperation and urgency, if not more. Isak had offered his services before, had honored this request before. Yet, this felt different. This felt crucial, heavy, a turning point. Isak felt as dizzy as he had the night Even fit inside his body for the first time. 

They were both shaking with nerves, Isak leaning on his elbow hovering over Even who was on his back.

“We. I-” Isak stuttered, the syllables muffled by more kisses, more and more kisses.

Even slid his hands down Isak’s torso, thumbs brushing over his navel lazily. His touch was unhurried, purposeful but not calculated. It felt as though Even was trying to memorize the way Isak’s body curved for him, for his hands. But it was never smug or arrogant. If anything, Even was marvelling at the reactions his touches elicited, too. 

Isak could feel himself fall apart under his ministrations, his breath hitching when Even’s hands slid back up and halted at his puckered nipples, thumbing, probing, then flicking. 

Isak moaned and the world titled. Even pushed himself off the mattress and brought one hand to Isak’s cheek. They were both sitting up now, with Isak’s knees between Even’s legs. And he felt dizzy and embarrassed by his body’s reactions, by the sounds that escaped his mouth. Confident that he was no longer inexperienced and ginger in bed, Isak had underestimated just how much effect Even had over him. One touch and Isak was done for. 

Even’s head dipped, Isak now staring at his mussed up hair, holding his breath in anticipation. Even’s tongue found his puckered nipple and licked, tentatively at first, causing Isak to buck his hips and bury a hand in his hair. The licks then increased in fervour and speed, matching the quickening of Isak’s shallow breaths. And it occurred to him that at this rate, he was going to let Even have his way with him and not the other way around.

Desire. Isak felt it everywhere in his being. And with his head thrown backwards, he wondered if Even felt something else besides the desperation and the hunger. He wondered if he also felt like his heart was about to explode.

_ Detach yourself. It’s just sex. He wants sex.  _

“We don’t, we don’t have anything,” Isak mumbled in between gasps, his hands still pulling at Even’s hair in an attempt to bring this back to the earlier request, to remind Even that he was going to split him open, not the other way around. 

“Anything?” Even finally looked up and Isak’s breath hitched. What a sight. 

The only light in the room, after they had pulled the shutters down, was emanating from the lamp by the coffee table. It was smooth and warm and perfect considering the setting and the circumstances. And Even looked beautiful in this light. As though it had been carefully hand-picked for this moment. Blue eyes dark with lust and desire. Mouth obscene and chapped and red and inviting. So inviting that Isak couldn’t help but bring his thumb to his lower lip and pad it, pull at it gently, gasping when he felt Even’s tongue around it, licking like he couldn’t help it.

“Condoms and stuff,” Isak replied with flushed cheeks. “We don’t have that stuff.”

“We’re in a hotel. I’m sure there’s stuff somewhere.”

He was right. There was an overwhelming choice of sexual enablers on a tray by the desk. And Isak felt the loss of Even’s fingers from his torso, of Even’s breath from his skin, of Even’s weight from the bed when he left to grab the necessities. He watched him make his way to the desk completely naked under the warm light, then pause in front of their options. 

Isak stared like he couldn’t help it. Even was stark naked before him and Isak’s mouth watered in ways it never had when he previously saw him naked. Even was irresistible. And Isak realized that he wasn’t doing this out of charity. That he ached to be inside him just as much as Even wanted him to.

‘ _ I would eat your peach, too.’ _

“Any preference?” Even looked over his shoulder at Isak, holding what looked like three types of condoms in his hands.

“No,” Isak lied because he did have a preference. He just didn’t have time to care about flavors and texture with his chest rising and falling rhythmically as reality and fantasy started blending together. 

Even came back with the winning condom and lubricant with a shy smile. And Isak felt his breath hitch when he climbed into bed and kissed him on the mouth. It was a deep kiss, a dizzying kiss, and Isak made the naive mistake of assuming that it was a short prelude to something else. Even was simply kissing him, easing the tension out of his body, with his hands roaming his sides and smoothing, smoothing, smoothing. The touch felt like words,  _ ‘it’s okay, it’s okay.’ _

Isak whimpered, his eyes shooting open at the cold realization.

“You can’t fuck me,” he said, his voice breaking, his fingers hesitant on Even’s torso. He wasn’t going to be lured into bed and used at the expense of his own heart. It wasn’t happening.

Even looked hurt and taken aback, his hands leaving Isak’s skin as if he had been burned. The loss was so sudden and the look on his face so hard that Isak instantly realized that he was mistaken and that he had spoken out of turn. Even wasn’t trying to get him to spread his legs for him. He was simply trying to get him to relax and enjoy himself.

“I won’t fuck you,” Even said and he sounded wounded, the crude words sharp like knives. Isak thought of words to say but Even pushed him a little bit to the side so that he could lie down on his back. “Come here.”

Isak did as he was told to make up for his earlier words. He straddled him with wide eyes that simply wouldn’t go along with his cold words and actions. But it was okay, because Even was looking away now, as if simply looking at Isak hurt him. 

Isak had to ascertain whatever control he had promised. He needed to stop trembling and whimpering. He needed to start performing. So he leaned down and started sucking on Even’s neck, his hand curling around him between their stomachs, stroking rhythmically. 

Even made the sweetest sounds, the earlier reluctance forgotten. Grunts and moans and groans here and there, head tossing, legs thrashing. He was enjoying this, Isak’s touch, Isak’s lips, Isak’s hands. Even was being pleasured by him and Isak felt himself grow even more aroused at the thought. As if pleasuring Even mattered more than attending to himself, like he could climax from simply helping Even reach his culmination of pleasure.

_ He only wants sex. He doesn’t want your heart. _

The thought infuriated him and allowed him to pull himself a bit more together. He refused to fall apart in Even’s arms under such circumstances. He refused to let this be about feelings. This was sex. 

So he focused on those thoughts. The thoughts that hurt. Even not wanting him. Even always rejecting him except for when it pleased his body and occasionally his mind. Even always stepping on his heart, always discarding his feelings. Even always hurting him, constantly, always. 

“Turn around,” Isak said and it was firm and unwavering, like a command. He could tell by how Even’s breath hitched that he had surprised both of them. Though the look in his eyes suggested he might have been more than just surprised. Disappointment? Apprehension? Isak wasn’t sure. 

Even didn’t give him time to decipher it for he rolled around under him, stomach now pressed against the bed. Isak thought about pinning him to it, trapping him with his body. Isak thought about a lot of things. Anything to chase away the gnawing feeling at the pit of his stomach. That feeling.  _ Tenderness. _

“Are you clean?” Isak asked like a doctor would ask their fortieth patient of the day, with detachment and borderline irritation, like this was a task he had to carry out out of duty. He could tell from Even’s silence that he hadn’t understood the question. “Are you clean _ there?” _

He could feel Even shift under him uncomfortably. And he wondered if it had to do with the answer to the question or with the fact that Isak had asked the question in the first place.

“Yes,” Even answered and it was muffled by the pillow his face was pressed into. “I got myself ready. Yesterday and today, too. Before the wedding.”

Isak’s hands were on Even’s back and it was such a lovely back, skin fair and smooth. His mind flashed to the previous night when he had fallen asleep to the sound of the shower running. Even had spent the longest time in there and had looked disappointed the next morning.  _ You were getting ready for this.  _

“Presumptuous,” Isak said and it was bitter.

“Wishful.” 

Isak straddled the back of Even’s legs and ran his hands over his long back again, slowly, sensually, trying to ease up the tension in Even’s body. It was rigid and foreign, nothing like Even’s cool and breezy self. And then it hit Isak that Even was nervous. That he was nervous like Isak had been nervous before welcoming him into the heat of his body their first time.

He wondered if Even had let anyone else see him like this besides beautiful Herman, if he had let anyone else inside his warmth. His mind flashed to Adrian whom Even had been seeing for a little while. Was Even still with him? What were they doing, really? He couldn’t help but wonder whether Even even liked this, giving up control and taking instead of receiving. 

“Can we kiss a bit?” Even asked with a small voice, his head turned sideways so that the words could be heard, and Isak felt something stir in his chest. “Please, I just-”

Isak nodded and Even turned around in his arms again. There was a newfound vulnerability in his flushed face. He couldn’t meet Isak’s gaze. He didn’t look as confident, as bold, as brazen, as if Isak asking him to turn around earlier hadn’t been in his template for the night. He looked apprehensive as if he had finally realized what he had asked Isak to do. 

“Well. Kiss me, then,” Isak instructed then watched Even’s face fall apart. He was almost wincing, like he no longer wanted this.

Isak kissed him instead—out of sheer stubbornness or maybe because he hated seeing Even so vulnerable— and it was deep and hot and fierce as he ground against him, feeling Even fall apart beneath him, wriggling. 

Even was relaxing. He was breathing again. And it was an odd feeling knowing that his body was capable of doing such things to Even. He started cataloguing some of the sounds he made, some of the reflexes his muscles had. Isak didn’t mean to but he memorized them all. 

Even’s hand wrapped around his length and started stroking tentatively. He must have noticed how unagreeable it was for Isak, however, for Even dragged his palm back to his mouth and licked it before pushing it between them again and wrapping it around Isak’s throbbing erection. 

_ Fuck. _

Even kissed him this time, with tongue and long legs spreading around his waist. And when Isak finally opened his eyes, Even was staring with parted lips as if he had been waiting.

“Fuck me, Isak.” 

Isak reached for the condom, tearing the package with his teeth, his eyes never leaving Even’s who offered to help put it on. He let him, shuddering slightly at the intimacy of the gesture. They kissed for a few more minutes, tongue frantically sliding against lips and tongue and teeth until Isak could feel himself getting dizzy and painfully pliant again. It was as though his body was conditioned to melt in Even’s arms, as if he could assert no form of dominance whatsoever. 

_ Cut the shit. He doesn’t give a fuck about your feelings. He just wants a good fuck. _

“Isak-” Even moaned and Isak understood. 

He reached for the lube, head pounding with want, vision slightly blurry from the sheer intensity of his needs—love and flesh, Isak wanted both—hands aching to grip and take and forget. Then in a swift movement, before really realizing what he was doing, he flipped Even over with both hands, shoved him hard against the pillow, then breached him with a finger. 

.

The first word that came into Isak’s mind was  _ tight,  _ which was fitting. The second thing that registered was how tense Even had gotten, how he had gasped but not cried out, how he was no longer breathing, how his hands were fisting the covers, how his face was completely buried in the pillow. 

Isak’s mind flashed to when Even had first breached him years ago. When Isak had been young and small around the shoulders and a mess of feelings and desire. He remembered how Even had been gentle and caring. How he had asked him times and times if he was okay, if this was okay, if it was too much, if he wanted to stop. Isak’s mind flashed to that painful moment which was filled with care and tenderness. Even had been nothing but tender with him. Nothing but soft and tender until Isak had had to beg for more. So many words had been spoken that night. So many. Every step along the way. 

Yet right now, Isak had just breached the most intimate part of Even’s body with a finger up to the knuckle without even asking. He had flipped him around, roughly shoved his face into a pillow, and breached him without asking if it was okay or how he wanted it. Isak had interrogated him about how clean he was with little consideration to how embarrassing the whole process was in the first place, holding oneself open under a running shower with hopes for a more filling and tender experience. Isak had been nothing but inconsiderate and cruel, nothing but cold and bitter, nothing but detached and hurtful. Isak who claimed to love him like the sky loved the sun.

_ ‘Is this what it feels like to be fucked by someone who loves me?’ _

Isak peered into Even’s thoughts. Couldn’t help it. He was no mind-reader but he knew that those were Even’s thoughts. Even who had been split open and hurt by Herman, the first boy he had allowed inside. Isak’s hands were trembling. 

He had shoved him like he wanted to hurt him. And maybe he did. The realization broke Isak. But what broke him even further was how Even wasn’t moving. Even was muffling whatever was threatening to spill out of his mouth into that pillow. Even wasn’t breathing. He just lay there, willing to take it, whatever Isak was about to give him, like he deserved it, like he deserved to be hurt. 

“Even?” Isak breathed heavily, his finger still inside his heat. “Even-”

Even was crying. 

Isak hurt him. 

Isak had just hurt him.

“Oh my god, Even!” Isak cried out, completely peeling his hands away to turn him around.

Even was crying softly, like he was embarrassed that he was crying, and he brought one arm to his eyes to hide it as Isak rolled him over onto his back. 

_ No. no. no. no. no. no. no. _

Isak’s brain melted, his eyes wide, his breathing shallow and ragged and paused and panicked. 

_ What did I do what did I do what did I do _

“Even. Even! I’m sorry!” Isak cried out again, hands hovering awkwardly because he wasn’t sure Even could bear the touch. “Forgive me! Forgive me! Even, oh my god!” 

There was a pregnant pause after which Even finally spoke. 

“It’s okay. I’m the one who’s sorry,” he said and there was pain in his voice. “I was just overwhelmed. I was taken off guard. I didn’t expect-”

_ ‘I didn’t expect you to treat me like this. Like I’m nothing but a fuck. Like I’m nothing.’ _

Even’s thoughts were loud and Isak wondered if hurting him was what it took to finally peer into his thoughts, to finally read him. 

“Even!” Isak couldn’t help it this time, both arms coming up to wrap around Even’s shoulders and pull him closer. He hugged him while straddling him, and his voice was shaking. 

Isak had just hurt him and Even was acting like he deserved it. 

_ ‘I want it. I can take it. I won’t break,’  _ Isak’s own words to all those men he had spread his legs for in Denmark when he had been drowning in self-loathing. 

Even was punishing himself. Even was letting Isak punish him. 

“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m sorry!” Isak gasped again, accentuating his words with kisses all over Even’s face. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Even’s tears didn’t come out often, but when they did, they broke Isak. They completely shattered him.

“It’s okay,” Even breathed, one hand coming up to rest on Isak’s side. “It was just one finger,” he almost chuckled as if the tension of the situation was dissipating. 

“I’m sorry! Even, I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” Isak pleaded and he sounded pathetic to his own ears, his resolutions long forgotten. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sorry.”

Isak hadn’t realized that he was crying until Even’s palm found his cheek. He sat up and wiped them both with his thumb, unbearable sadness and shock in his eyes, like he couldn’t believe Isak was crying over this. 

“I’m sorry,” Isak breathed again, both arms twining around Even’s neck, bringing him closer. 

“Only you would apologize so much for slipping me a finger,” Even chuckled again but it sounded like he meant it this time.

“I never want to hurt you,” Isak breathed with his eyes closed, his forehead against Even’s, his feelings out there in the open.  _ Fuck it.  _

“You didn’t. It didn’t hurt. I was prepared.”

“Even, you cried!” Isak couldn’t help but point out. 

“Because my heart hurt. Not my body.”

Isak paused, his thumbs halting on Even’s cheeks. It hurt. Knowing that he had hurt Even’s heart. It hurt.

“Because I turned you around and dismissed you,” Isak breathed and the words hurt on his tongue. 

“We can’t even have sex without crying,” Even laughed, kind and beautiful, eyes still shining with tears.

Isak kissed him and it was sweet and warm and healing because he could feel Even smiling into it. Isak felt the tugging in his heart ease a bit. He felt the inflammation deflate a bit. He felt his heartbeat even out a bit. They kissed and they kissed and they kissed until they were no longer trembling, until it no longer taste the bitterness and guilt in his mouth, until Even relaxed under his touch, until Isak no longer felt like crying, until he could reciprocate the kisses with just as much tenderness.

Even nuzzled his neck, burying his face there and pressing the softest kiss to his skin. And Isak let him. This wasn’t just sex. This was sex with Even.

“Make love to me,” Even breathed into his ear and it was slow and hot and sensual and Isak was burning. 

_ ‘Love’. Make LOVE to me. _

Even leaned back down on the bed and spread his legs. 

“And kiss me,” he added. 

_ Even. Even. Even.  _

Isak’s heart felt as though it was beating out of his chest. He felt exposed. Naked in more than just his body. Anyone watching them right now could tell how much he loved Even and how little Even loved him. Hell, even Even could tell, probably. Isak had no incentive for treating him coldly, for repressing his feelings while giving him this. His heart was out in the open. One gasp from Even and Isak’s tears had come out flowing like he had gotten burned. There was no use treating Even like anything less than a lover. There was no use being cold. Absolutely no use. 

Isak was going to treat him with gentleness. Isak was going to take care of him and show him how good it felt to be someone’s, to have someone fit inside his body. Isak was going to pleasure him. Isak was going to give him what he had asked for.  _ The fuck of a lifetime. _

They kissed until their lips started feeling heavy, until Isak had to physically detach himself from Even if he was going to initiate what he was going to do next. He pressed one last kiss to Even’s cheek before making his way downwards. He kissed his jaw, his throat, his neck, his collarbones. He halted when he got to his chest, teasing his sensitive nipples with rolls of his tongue. He kissed down his torso until he got to his navel, and he kissed him there too, looking up to lock eyes with Even’s. 

He kissed him everywhere, slow, steady, with the pressure of his lips. He catalogued Even’s little reactions, his stuttering breaths, his head turning to the side, his eyes closing, his mouth opening. Isak catalogued all of it while kissing his body. He settled between his legs, both hands sliding up and down Even’s thighs, soothing him. 

Isak kissed where his hip and thigh met and felt him quiver under his lips in anticipation. He kissed around Even’s groin, below the v-line, then around where his thighs began. He kissed him slow and he kissed him plenty. And he could tell that he was driving Even to madness. He knew it. 

“Isak-”

“Yes?”

“You’re killing me.” 

Isak chuckled before pressing a kiss to his length, with both hands still around his thighs, as if to pacify him. 

“Spread your legs for me,” he said and Even obliged.

“What are you doing?”

“Making up for my earlier mistake.” 

Isak made a mental note of how this one act seemed to truly unravel Even. He all but turned into mush when he realized what Isak was suggesting, or rather engaging in. 

“Isak. You don’t have to-”

“Shh.” 

Isak spread his thighs and stared. He hadn’t even bothered looking when he had breached him with a finger earlier. He was beautiful. 

“Isak, I-”

Never had Even sounded so insecure, so self-conscious, so vulnerable. As if he was ashamed of Isak looking at him down there. As if he couldn’t imagine a world in which Isak wanted to look at him down there. 

“Beautiful,” the word escaped Isak’s mouth before he could think too much about it. He just reacted because Even was beautiful  _ there  _ like he was everywhere. “You’re beautiful.”

Isak closed his eyes and kissed his rim. He kissed him there like he kissed him everywhere. Then when he felt Even clench and hold his breath, he opened his mouth and licked.

“Oh god!” Even yelped above him. Isak couldn’t see him but he would have given anything to. 

Isak had been at the receiving end of such deeds, but had never done it for anyone. He had never cared for anyone enough to do it for them. He never understood why anyone would want to lick another man  _ there,  _ and he had always counted his blessings when whoever he had taken to bed volunteered to do it for him. Because despite the initial awkwardness, it felt incredible.

Yet, right now, laying on his stomach with his face between Even’s legs, Isak was coming to the realization that he loved performing, that he absolutely loved giving this, doing this to someone else. And perhaps it was because it was Even he was doing this to, licking into his heat and stretching him from the inside out while he moaned and buried his fingers in Isak’s hair. Perhaps it was because it was making Even happy and feel valued. Perhaps. Probably. 

All Isak knew was that Even deserved it and that he could get off simply from giving it to him. 

“Isak, I-”

Never in his wildest dreams had Isak imagined that he would get Even to curl his toes and cry out from pleasure. He had never imagined he would get to see his own fingers disappear into Even’s body alongside his tongue. He had never imagined he would get to have him like this, thighs quivering, moans obscene and echoing through the walls. 

Isak opened him up with as much care as Even had shown him years prior. He took his time despite his own aching body, demanding attention. He wasn’t the most tender lover, but for Even he could be. For Even, he was tender. 

Three fingers in and Even could no longer take it.

“You are forgiven, Isak. Just! Come on!”

“Impatient much,” Isak muttered in a deep voice, coming up to face Even. His jaw hurt, he realized, his chin was wet. It made him giddy. 

“Isak, your mouth,” Even remarked then stopped himself as if he hadn’t meant for the words to come out. 

“You like it?” Isak smiled, grinned even. 

“You look obscene.”

“I should eat you out more often.”

Then the most incredible thing happened. Even flushed. He flushed and he squirmed, and Isak kissed him on the mouth.

“You taste amazing. See?” he added with another cheeky smile and watched Even’s face redden again.

Isak laughed. He didn’t know why but he laughed. He almost felt happy. And when Even joined him in in laughter, he realized that his fingers were still inside.

“Perhaps I should just get you off with my fingers,” Isak mused.

“Is it your dicktox? Did you forget how to use your dick?” Even snorted, then wailed when Isak moved his fingers. 

“Do you want me to go spend the night in the lobby?” Isak warned, but it was tender. He was smiling. He hated his weak heart. 

“No, I want you to spend the night inside me.”

Isak leaned in and captured his lips in his own like he couldn’t help it. It was just a kiss but it felt colossal that he leaned in before he said his next words. 

“Not until you promise me you’ll never cry again,” Isak said. And he meant it. He hated it when Even cried. He hated it more than anything in the world.

Even looked at him, his blue eyes glistening under the soft light. His hands were on Isak’s face and he looked as thought he was going through inner turmoil, as though he was debating whether he should be saying his next words.

“Then stop giving me reasons to.”

This kiss felt more heated than the previous ones, more desperate, more urgent. It bore tenderness and feelings and unspoken words. It carried admissions, and confessions, and apologies. Even mouthing that Isak gave him reasons to cry, that Isak made him cry like he made Isak cry. 

Isak wanted to ask. It was absurd but he needed to ask him what he meant by that. They both needed to stop running when conversations finally got serious. They both needed to stop confessing little things then turning their backs on them as if nothing had been said the next day. Isak needed to stop assuming and making things up in his head. Isak needed to start asking questions. 

And right now, after what felt like an hour of kissing and preparations and careful ministrations, Isak was going to ask. 

_ Is this just sex? _

He was about to. The words were at his tongue when Even’s hands cupped his face, tender and caring, thumbing his cheek, eyes blue and raw and glassy. 

“I love you so much, Isak,” Even smiled and it was sad. “I’m so happy I could die.”

Isak stared at him with wide eyes and clenched fists. He didn’t even know when his hands had left Even’s body but they had. So he stared as his whole being adjusted to his heart finding a new home in his throat. 

Even leaned in to kiss him and touch him. Isak couldn’t tell how long he just sat there not reciprocating. But his lips eventually moved and he kissed back until his brain stopped tripping over itself at Even’s earlier admission, until his body ignited again and started moving on its own accord.

_ The fuck of a lifetime.  _

“Kiss me. Touch me.”

Isak kissed him and a newfound heat settled between their bodies. As if Even’s words had heightened their desire. It wasn’t just sex. It couldn’t be. 

“Isak,” Even said his name and there was a smile in his voice. Isak knew that feeling. He had lived through that feeling. Momentary freedom. 

The kissing turned into desperate grinding, Isak now a mess that his heart had been allowed into bed with them. Even touched him like he couldn’t bear not touching him. And after a heated kiss, he started desperately guiding Isak inside his own body. 

Isak couldn’t tell when he breached Even, for his mind blanked out from the feeling. He buried his face in Even’s hair and they both took a moment to breathe, Even adjusting and making space for him, and Isak coming back to his senses. 

“Are you okay?” Isak asked when he could see again, then he felt Even nod beneath him. 

“I’m okay. Just a second-”

Isak left the crook of Even’s neck, both hands on the mattress on either side of his head to balance himself enough to kiss his lips. 

“Even, is this okay?” he asked again, this time with more care. He brought a hand down and kissed his cheek. 

“I’m good,” Even breathed. “Kiss me.”

They kissed. Slow and tender, like he liked it. They kissed until a realization broke Isak’s mind, making his eyes widen and every nerve in him tingle. He couldn’t believe it.

_ I’m inside Even. INSIDE Even. I am INSIDE him. HIM. _

“Move, Isak. You can move.”

And move, he did. With everything he had, with everything he was. Isak didn’t know what to say, so he let his body do the talking. He didn’t know how to respond to Even’s words, for an hour prior he had believed that he was simply chasing purchase. And perhaps the words weren’t true. They were still a bit drunk after all. Drunk and beyond aroused.  _ ‘I love you’s _ during sex didn’t always count. They didn’t.

_ The fuck of a lifetime.  _

Even held Isak with both hands around his back as he gave him his everything. “Stop thinking,” he moaned. “Isak, stop thinking.”

He did his best.

Isak kissed him on the mouth and focused on getting Even off, bringing a hand down between them to stroke his length while he marked his skin and thrusted into him. Isak focused on his trembling body and his short shallow breaths and his flushed cheeks and his damp hair and his soft little moans. 

It only took two more strokes and a few thrusts to get Even to curl in his arms and spill between their stomachs in an overwhelming series of “Isak, Isak, Isak, Isak.”

Isak didn’t even have time to feel smug about it and tease Even about how completely wrecked he sounded, however. Because after barely a few thrusts, he reached his climax as well, biting down Even’s shoulder to stop himself from actually screaming. 

It was embarrassing.

He had lasted a few minutes at best.

A few minutes.

So much for  _ the fuck of a lifetime. _

He was still on top of Even, still inside Even, face buried in the crook of his neck, when he felt him chuckle under him.  _ Chuckle!  _

“Don’t you dare say anything!” Isak groaned, feeling the embarrassment wash over him.

“We wouldn’t have gotten through a Gabrielle song with your stamina,” Even laughed this time, freely, his voice deep, happy.

“Oh god! Leave me alone!” Isak groaned again, but he was laughing, too.

“Chris was right. This dicktox thing wasn’t very good for you.” 

“Ugh! Forgive me for being too horny! I’ve only wanted this for the past five years, no big deal!”

Isak stopped himself before he said something equally mortifying and rolled over until he slipped out of Even, his brain absently registering the sound Even made, sighing but also wincing, as if mourning the loss. Isak then quickly proceeded to discard the condom in one of the bins, utterly embarrassed and for more than just one reason. 

His face was burning and his heart was pounding. He couldn’t believe it. This. What they had just done. He sat at the edge of the bed with his back to Even and his body suddenly felt inadequate, like he needed to cover his skin, like he needed to nap for two days. 

Behind him, Even was silently cleaning himself with tissues from the nightstand, chest still heaving. 

_ ‘I love you.’ _

_ Shit. _

“Wanna shower first?” Isak asked, suddenly shy, suddenly overwhelmed. He didn’t know what to do.

“I think I’m gonna be gross and sleep like this,” said Even. “I want to feel like this for as long as I can.”

_ Sexed up. Blissful. Your sweat on my skin. The ghost of your tongue all over my body. All of me throbbing with evidence of what we’ve just done.  _

“Me too,” Isak mumbled with hunched shoulders. It hurt. That tenderness he bore at the pit of his stomach. As if he had locked it down for the longest time and could no longer contain it. 

“C’mere.” 

They cuddled, with Isak lying on Even’s chest as he played with his hair. They talked about how they had ruined the sheets and about Isak’s awful stamina. They talked about how Even should go around spreading rumors about how he couldn’t last in bed the same way Isak had on his first week at UiO.

They talked about the most random things and Isak held onto him with both arms, just trying to feel him, be with him, be close to him. Isak didn’t know how long they could have this for. 

“Are you still seeing that guy, Adrian?” Isak asked while Even drew shapes on his back. 

“No,” Even replied and it was quiet. “Of course not.”

“Why ‘of course not’?”

“I wouldn’t do that. To him or to you.”

Silence settled between them again and Isak wondered what time it was. He hadn’t set up an alarm for the following day. And while Mikael was going to make sure to wake them either way, he would rather he didn’t when they were still naked in each other’s arms with their clothes scattered all over the room. 

“I didn’t sleep with Adrian,” Even spoke and it caused Isak’s heart to pinch. He had been ready to move on, change the topic, focus on tomorrow. But Even wasn’t. “We only hung out a few times. He’s into movies I like and my therapist said I should try and meet more people. We were just friends. I don’t know why you thought I was seeing him.”

“You don’t have to-”

“No, I want to tell you things, Isak,” Even interrupted him, his eyes now on the ceiling as if he couldn’t to look at Isak while all of this spilled out of him. “I know you think I sleep around and fuck anything with a pulse. I know you think I’m disgusting and awful, and for the longest time, I thought that I was, too. But it’s not true.”

“I never thought you were disgusting, Even. And you don’t owe me anything.”

“I think I do. I think I owe you a lot, Isak.”

They were silent after that and Isak thought about all the questions he was burning to ask. But his mind flashed back to Even’s earlier words ‘I love you’, and he felt himself falter in Even’s arms. He just melted. He didn’t care who Even had taken or was thinking of taking to bed. He couldn’t care less. He wanted to enjoy those words for at least  _ right now. _ He wanted to bask in them for just one night. He wanted to believe it, that Even loved him. He wanted to.

So he slept in Even’s arms. Even who ‘wanted to feel like this for as long as he could.’

_ Me too. _

Isak meant it in more than just his body.

.

Isak woke up completely naked in Even’s arms. It was dark in the room because the shutters were still down, and Isak was losing his mind as memories of last night started flooding his brain.

_ We fucked. We had sex. _

He rolled over in bed, painfully peeling himself from Even’s hold, and started looking for his phone. It was already 11:12 and they had eighteen minutes to shower, pack, and make it to their appointment with Mikael and Edvard downstairs.

Even started to stir in bed behind him, and Isak’s eyes went wide. He quickly grabbed clothes from his bag and ran to the shower. Looking at his own body after his night with Even felt weird. He couldn’t believe it. He wasn’t sure whether he wanted to scrub every last bit of Even’s trace from his body or leave it there to penetrate his skin. 

Five minutes into his shower, Isak was  _ freaking out.  _ He quickly dried himself, got in his underwear, put on his pants and his shirt and left the bathroom. 

Even was standing outside the door, looking sheepish and cuddly and soft. 

“Mor-”

“Take a shower and pack! We have ten minutes to be downstairs,” Isak said without looking at him. 

“Isak, wa-”

“I have to go help Mikael with Edvard’s stuff,” Isak lied before making his way to the door and leaving Even alone in the room.

He waited until he could hear the shower running to go back inside and pack his bag. He then quickly ran out and made his way to the reception. 

.

Thinking back now, Isak had no idea why he fled the hotel room. It was as if some sort of instinct had kicked in.  _ Flight. Run for the hills. _ He wasn’t sure what he had been so scared of. He hadn’t woken up to an empty bed after all. He had been in Even’s arms, shielded from the world, in their own little cocoon. 

So what was he so afraid of?

Even seemed to be asking the same question with his eyes, holding Isak’s hand on the plane and pressing delicate and shy kisses to his mouth. Kisses that Isak couldn’t help but flush and mewl at. 

He didn’t know what the kisses meant but he was still riding that hazy wave of pleasure. He was still intoxicated and Even wouldn’t let him off their little cloud. He simply wouldn’t, clinging onto him like he was scared Isak might fall off and leave him again.

“Why did you run?” Even asked him at last. 

_ Because I’m scared. _

Isak never answered him. He tilted his chin upwards and indulged in more kissing, more and more kissing until the girl he had thought of swapping places with started looking in their direction, frowning. Isak almost flipped her off, but he figured he’d put his finger to better use, curling it around Even’s chin to bring him closer for stupid open mouthed kisses. Isak wanted all the kisses. Isak felt intoxicated.

They cuddled—cuddled! Isak couldn’t believe it considering their heights—on the plane until they reached Oslo, nuzzling into each other’s necks like they were touch starved. 

The magic wore off—of course—the moment they stepped out of the plane, hair disheveled, lips sore and swollen, breathing hard. Mikael and Edvard gave them knowing smiles while they cleared their throats and tried to will the blush on their cheeks away. 

“I’ll call you,” Even said as he leaned against the rolled down window of the taxi by Isak’s side with both arms.

_ Don’t,  _ Isak wanted to say.

“See you later, Even.” 

.

Isak didn’t see Even later. He didn’t see him for a couple of days. Even called. More than once, too. But after Isak rejected the first ten calls, he stopped. He stopped texting him, too.

Isak needed time to make sense of their situation. He needed time to understand what they were doing, or what they had done. If it had been the sex alone, if those kisses on the plane hadn’t followed, perhaps he wouldn’t have felt this inadequate. 

But every time Isak closed his eyes he could feel Even’s lips against his own. He could see Even’s flushed cheeks and open legs. He could feel Even tightening around him and holding him like he was about to burst from the inside out. Isak couldn’t focus on anything else those few days, and the timing was horrible given that exams were around the corner. 

Edvard asked about Even’s whereabouts and only seemed half disappointed when Isak shrugged. He was grateful that he didn't press. He was also grateful that Mikael hadn’t gone around telling everyone that they had slept together. 

Isak was curled around himself on the couch when Even decided to visit the house with no heads up. 

He was still wearing Isak’s t-shirt and his love bites were still there, although less prominent. Mikael greeted him then shared an awkward look with Edvard who was pretending to focus on his newspaper. 

“Can we talk?” Even asked and he sounded soft and scared. 

It was only then that Isak realized that the last couple of days had probably been daunting on Even. He pictured himself in his shoes, waiting to hear back after getting fucked. Isak realized that he was being utterly cruel.

“Sure,” Isak said as he got up to leave the couch and lead the way to his room. 

The silence was heavy and agonizing. For someone who wanted to talk, Even seemed to be lacking the words. 

“Even-”

“I thought about it,” Even interrupted him, his hands in fists, his lower rip caught between his teeth. “I thought about it and I don’t want this to ruin us. I don’t want you freaking out.”

“I’m not freaking ou-” Isak paused because it was a blatant lie. “Okay, maybe I am a little.”

Even laughed nervously at that and Isak could feel himself breathe again. He wanted to walk closer, maybe invite him to sit on his bed, but it probably wasn’t a wise choice. So they stood there in the middle of his room.

“Please don’t ignore me,” Even spoke softly, his eyes on the floor. “I can’t stand the silence, Isak. I can’t stand it.”  

Isak saw it then, the hurt in Even’s eyes. The hurt over being ignored after what they had done in that hotel room. Even had bared his most vulnerable side to Isak that night after all. He had given it his all after all.

“I’m sorry,” Isak blurted out. “It’s just really fucked up in my head right now. I’m sorry.”

“We can take it chill. It doesn’t have to be this big thing,” Even replied, his eyes still looking everywhere but at Isak. “I can wait, Isak. I can wait, but please don’t ignore me.” 

_ ‘I can wait’ Wait for what? For me? _

Isak took him in again, his hunched shoulders, his flushed cheeks, his blond hair. Even looked like a dream in Isak’s shirt and it hurt to see him this hurt. 

“We can take it chill,” Isak replied, walking close enough to lift Even’s chin. 

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah.” 

. 

It seemed as thought Isak and Even’s definitions of ‘taking it chill’ differed slightly. Because two hours into their hangout with Mikael and Sigve, Isak was going on a rant about the music industry and how ‘they don’t make good music anymore’, and Even apparently found it so endearing that he leaned in and kissed his cheek. 

Sigve averted his gaze almost immediately as if the sight had burned him while Mikael cleared his throat and tried to come up with something interesting to say. Isak found it curious, how all four of them were pretending it hadn’t happened. 

It didn’t really work and Even’s slip-up seemed to have surprised Even himself, for the pink shade of his cheeks matched Isak’s. 

“What happened to taking it chill?!” Isak confronted him with a frown and a blush at the door after Mikael volunteered to walk Sigve home. 

“Sorry. I didn’t think,” Even offered apologetically. He looked just as mortified and Isak would have believed him if it weren’t for the slightly satisfied tone in his voice. He had both hands buried in his back pockets and he was swinging absently from side to side. Even only did that when he was happy. Even was happy. 

“We need some ground rules for when we’re around people,” said Isak. He then paused to look at his own statement.  _ ‘Rules for when we’re around people’  _ as opposed to _ ‘when it’s just the two of us’. _

There was an admission there. Isak was admitting that  _ something  _ was happening between them. That there was something to hide, to muffle in front of  _ ‘other people’.  _ And if Isak had worried that his words might hurt Even. He was wrong.

“Ground rules,” Even smiled. “For when we’re around people.”

“Yeah.”

“Like what?”

“No kisses on the cheek.” 

“What about on other places,” Even grinned as he raised his eyebrows.

Isak shoved him and they laughed. 

“So no kissing. No touching. What else?”

“That’s it for now,” said Isak, his arms crossed in front of him. “Stick to these rules, then we’ll see.”

“Does it mean I can break those rules when we’re alone?”

Isak shoved him with a smile again, only this time Even grabbed his hand and gently pressed him against the wall outside. Their bodies met and Isak shuddered at the memory of the last time they had been this close. He closed his eyes before he could think about it. They were in the middle of the street and anyone walking by could see them. But Isak couldn’t bring himself to care.

He could feel Even’s breath on his skin. Yet for some reason, the soft press of his lips against his own never occurred. He opened his eyes just as the realization hit him. He was greeted by blue eyes, bright like his heart.  Even wasn’t going to kiss him. Not without his permission. 

The sun was setting and Isak wasn’t ready to let go just yet. 

“Kiss me,” he said, and it was shy and quiet.

Even kissed him and it was tender yet hard. They both breathed through their noses, as if inhaling each other. His body was tense and he shivered when Even’s hands found his waist and settled there. Isak had dreamt of being kissed on this porch. He had dreamt of this stupid moment for so long. 

Even let go of him just as someone rounded the corner by the house. He took a step back and straightened his own clothes, a shy smile at the corner of his mouth. 

“Sticking to the rules,” said Even. “There are people around us right now.” 

Isak laughed then pushed him further away.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Bech Næsheim.”

.

The rules, as Isak came to realize it, only served one purpose: to justify them rolling around in bed right this moment. Isak couldn’t tell when it became a thing, this,  _ them.  _

They were at a party hosted by Eva, and Isak spent the majority of his night with Mutta and Chris, laughing and marveling at how they actually brought the best in each other. He downed his third beer and made his way to Elias who was planning for his next Hei Briskeby video with Yousef. 

Isak danced with Sonja while Adam gritted his teeth by the corner because she had just denied him a dance. Isak let her take his snapback and wear it instead. He let play with his cheeks. He let her shove him playfully once or twice. 

She made a few gagging sounds, and a few minutes later, Isak found himself kneeling by the toilet bowl beside her, holding onto her hair by her forehead and doing his best not to throw up as well. 

“Are you and Even together now?” she asked after he helped her clean up. She was drunk, more than Isak had ever seen her let herself be drunk. She sounded hurt. Like she couldn’t believe she cared in the first place. 

“No,” Isak replied and it sounded like a lie.

“Mikael said something about you two and he took it back immediately. But I think it’s true,” she said, her head wobbling around like it was about to fall off her shoulders. 

“Let’s get you home,” Isak got up and started trying to get her on her feet.

“No. I’ll be fine,” she shoved his hands away. “I’ll be fine. I promise, Isak. I promise I’ll be fine. I don’t love him anymore.”

Eva found them in the bathroom and helped get Sonja into her bedroom. She told Isak that she could stay the night and that she’d look after her, and Isak made sure to tell the boys as well. No one flinched when Adam volunteered to stay behind and take her home the next day.    

Isak sat down on one of the couches and wondered why everything was so complicated. Why Mutta and Chris wouldn’t admit to liking each other. Why Sonja loved Even but pretended she was over him so that Isak could feel less guilty about wanting him. Why Adam obviously liked Sonja but could never tell her because she would never in a million years take him seriously. Why Jonas and Eva were broken up when they clearly only looked at each other across the room. Why Mikael tried very hard to win Sigve over, but Sigve either couldn’t see it or didn’t want to. He wondered why it was so hard to like someone and have them like you back. He wondered about Sigve’s theory. About miracles. About how one had to pursue their miracle. 

_ My stupid miracle. _

Isak took another hit from a joint Jonas rolled him and locked eyes with Even across the room. He was talking to some girl, but he was keeping a friendly distance between them. And the moment he noticed Isak staring, he politely dismissed himself and started walking in his direction.

“Having fun?” Even asked once he got settled in the couch beside him. 

He smelled like Even. Like everything good in the world. Like everything gentle and pure in the world. And Isak was tired.

“I want to go home,” Isak replied, letting his head gingerly fall against Even’s shoulder, feeling his breath hitch on the couch that was holding both of their weights. Isak wanted to be tender tonight. He wanted a hand to hold tonight.

“We’re touching,” Even observed and he sounded unsure.

“So?”

“The rules.”

Isak laughed because Even sounded dead serious.

“Even,” he breathed, and it sounded sweet even to his own ears. Tonight, he was being tender and sweet. And he loved it when Even looked at him like this, like everything Isak said or did was a wonder.

“Hm?”

“Take me home.” 

.

They kissed on their way to Edvard’s house, the anticipation building before they even crossed the threshold. They pressed each other against walls, and ran for several minutes before finding their way to each other’s arms. Isak felt stupid and happy, running and laughing around the deserted streets so late at night with  _ him.  _ It was so simple.

Isak just wanted things to be simple again.

“Stay,” Isak mumbled when they got to his room, his hand curled around Even’s forearm, his touch barely there. “Stay the night.” 

“Are you sure?” Even whispered and he sounded so raw, so open.

“Yes. I’m sure.”

Even stayed and they kissed until Isak started predicting the slide of Even’s lips and Even’s tongue. He memorized the way his tongue flicked over his lips, the way his jaw felt under his fingers, the angles he tilted his head with. Isak never thought he would get used to kissing Even, but here they were. 

Kissing.

Like lovers did. 

.

It only occurred to Isak that this was their first hangout—since the  _ incident— _ with Mutta alone, when he made his way to the kitchen and found both Even and him making instant noodles.

He couldn’t help the blush on his cheeks upon seeing Even perched up on a stool and smiling blindly in his direction. His whole face had lit up when Isak walked in and he wasn’t even trying to hide it. 

Isak greeted Mutta very awkwardly then crouched to Myrcella’s level to pat her. When he lifted his eyes again, Even was still staring at him with that stupid fond expression, and Isak couldn’t help but smile before looking away. 

_ So much for being subtle. _

“You two fucked,” Mutta blurted out in disbelief. 

“What?! No!” Isak’s eyes went wide.

“Oh my god! I can’t believe it. You two seriously fucked? When? Since when are you hooking up?” 

“Shut up, Mutta! And since when do you use such crude language!” 

“I like this new you,” Even laughed. “Chris Berg is a great influence on our prude Mutta.”

“How could you two not tell me?!” Mutta scoffed. “I have suffered so much because of the two of you. The least you could do is tell me when you finally drop the act and let Even back in, Isak!”

“Well technically, I let  _ him  _ in this time around,” Even snorted on his stool.  _ The fucker.  _

“Fuck! I can’t with you two! I’m gonna go walk Myrcella!” 

* * *

**Mutta**

16:19

!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!

aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAA

Djksdksjdhgksdhj

You fucked Even?????

Oh my god leave me alone!!!

Wow i’m so emotional what the fuck???

BYE

Does Edvard know? Is he okay??

Mutta i swear to god if you tell anyone

What?? Why not?? Are you being weird about it?

I dont know

I dont know what this is

I dont know what i want

I’m still figuring it out

Are you kidding me?!!!!

Please don’t tell anyone mutta please

It will kill Sonja if she finds out

Please

Crap. Fine

Yeah okay dont worry

<3

How does Even feel about this?

About what?

Your arrangement

Idk he seems pretty chill with it

He was so fucked up over you when you were gone you know

Uhh

Okay

I just hope you two are on the same page

We are. don’t worry

When are you coming back

What do you mean coming back?

You have my dog

You need to get back here

* * *

Isak got back to the apartment with Myrcella in his arms, and Even was still there, looking at him the way he used to look at Even, years before. He looked fond. Nothing but fond.

“You need to stop looking at me like that,” Isak said when they finally stepped out if Mutta’s.

“Like what?” 

_ Like you love me. _

“Like,” Isak paused, weighing his words and rolling them over his tongue. “I don’t know. Like we’re hooking up.”

“Aren’t we?” 

“You know what I meant.”

“So I can’t look at you now?” Even smiled. “I can’t touch you, I can’t kiss you, and I can’t look at you?” 

“You can look at me, just not like  _ that.”  _

Isak expected some more banter. He expected Even to ask what  _ that  _ meant. He expected him to push him a bit further. But he didn’t.

“Okay,” Even breathed beside him, sounding slightly disappointed, slightly sad. 

_ Even.  _

They walked back to Edvard’s and Isak let him in, yet again. Only this time, Isak locked the door to his room, undressed him slowly with kisses and soft touches, then got on his knees.

“What are you doing?” Even asked in between gasps, his jeans stuck by his ankles as he sat on the edge of the bed with Isak between his thighs.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” Isak laughed, surprised by his own lightheartedness. 

“Are you gonna give me a blowjob?”

“Yes, Even. I’m going to give you a blowjob. Can I proceed now?” 

“Does this mean we’re hooking up?” Even asked and he sounded so serious that Isak had to hold back a laugh. 

“Are you serious right now?”

Even moved both of his hands to cup his own exposed erection, frowning slightly at Isak below him. Isak was all but gaping at the sight.

“Yes. I’m serious.” 

“Even, are you seriously cockblocking me right now?” Isak laughed. He couldn’t believe him. His knees were starting to hurt, but Even always managed to surprise him, always. 

“Yes. You can’t touch my dick until you say it.” 

“What?!” Isak was clutching his stomach where he lay on the ground and Even’s face was starting to morph into a grin too, like he was doing his best not to burst into laughter.

“Say it. Say that we’re hooking up.”

“I can’t deal with you!” Isak laughed, his own hands coming up to cover Even’s on his groin. He couldn’t believe Even was making him do this.

“Are you seriously gonna fight me to get to my dick?!” Even finally snorted.

“Yes, Even. That’s exactly what I’m gonna do.” 

Isak knew he couldn’t actually yank Even’s hands away, so he left the floor and leaned in to kiss him on the mouth with one hand on the back of his neck. Even melted under the touch, and soon, Isak was  _ climbing _ him while he lay on his back on the bed. 

“Say it,” Even breathed under him, almost completely naked while Isak remain fully clothed on his lap. “Tell me it’s not just in my head. Say, it Isak.”

Isak kissed his neck, then gasped when Even rolled them over despite his jeans restraining his ankles. Even pinned him onto the bed with little to no resistance, and bore his blue eyes into his own. 

“Ev-”

Even held his wrists above his head but it wasn’t rough, it was almost painfully gentle. He slid his hands into Isak’s and laced their fingers above his hair. He then said it again.

“Say it, Isak.”

“Say what?” Isak wriggled beneath him, feeling any type of control evaporate from his body.

“That this is real. That this counts,” Even mouthed and it had gone from  _ ‘hooking up’ _ to this. “We’re real, you and I. It’s real.”

Isak saw it then. How their whole arrangement was actually tearing Even apart. Even who was wondering if it was just in his head. 

“It’s not just in your head,” Isak murmured before kissing him open-mouthed and urgent.  

It took some coaxing, but Even eventually gave in, eventually let Isak straddle him and get his hands and his mouth on him. And there was some desperation to it. Isak was burning to touch and take and give.

Pleasuring Even was his favorite thing to do in the world, probably. He gave him this, licks and touches and kisses and moans, because he wasn’t sure he could give him anything else for now. He was still scared, still sore in his heart. He didn’t think he could let his walls down completely. He didn’t think he could for now. 

He pushed Even’s hands away whenever he tried to return the favor, fleeing to the shower before he could grab him. Isak wasn’t sure why, but he didn’t trust himself with Even’s touches. He didn’t trust himself enough to allow Even to touch him the way he touched Even. And he knew that it hurt him. But he couldn’t afford to lose sight of himself in Even’s arms. Not again. 

_ ‘Fuck me like this, Even.’  _ The memory alone made him shudder. How vulnerable he had been. How vulnerable and happy and naive he had been that night. 

“Let me in,” Even whispered into his hair after they both fell asleep, with Even pressing against his back, holding him. They were spooning. 

_ ‘Let me in.’  _ Isak wasn’t sure he knew how anymore.

_ I’ll just make you come for now. _

.

Isak was trying to get Mutta to admit that he liked Chris Berg at this stupid party, but he wasn’t biting. He kept frowning and acting like it was the most stupid thing he had ever heard, insisting that they were _ just  _ friends, that girls and boys could be  _ friends.  _

Mutta was so adamant that Isak felt himself flush in anger. Perhaps it was the five or six beers he had had before this, or maybe it was the fact that Even was looking at him with puppy eyes from across the room as if he had wounded him, yet again. 

Isak couldn’t handle the guilt. He couldn’t handle the fact that he couldn’t just throw himself into Even’s arms and be happy. He couldn’t understand why it was so complicated in his head, why he couldn’t stop thinking about his imminent heartbreak. Isak didn’t know why he overthought everything. 

“You have a great girl who’s amazing and who likes you and you’re just bullshitting her with this ‘friendship’ shit!” Isak blurted out in anger. “Fuck being friends, Mutta. Fuck it!”

His outburst had earned him a few looks in their direction, so Isak quickly left his spot where Mutta was still gaping and made his way to Magnus and Mahdi who were deep in conversation about something in the corner. 

“Boys,” Isak announced himself, his feet shuffling awkwardly under him. He felt a tipsy.  _ Great.  _

“Hey man,” Magnus greeted him with a pat on the back. “Where were you this whole time? I was expecting you to join the girls fighting earlier.”

“Huh?”

“Some guy was being a dick to Chris and they all proceeded to rip him to shreds. Sana was very impressive,” Mahdi laughed.

“What are you talking about?” Isak frowned. 

“So I don’t have all the details,” Magnus started. “But apparently Vilde went behind Chris’ back and created a Tinder profile for her to try and get her to hook up with someone. Apparently, Chris had a boyfriend in high school but when it ended she stopped trying with guys, you know.”

“The point?” Isak grimaced. He knew about Kasper and Chris had told him some very interesting sexual stories about their time together. “Can you get to the point?”

“You’re in a mood,” Mahdi laughed awkwardly.

“Whatever,” Isak shrugged. 

“Uh, so yeah. Apparently Vilde’s been talking to this guy Erik pretending to be Chris on Tinder. And he’s here tonight,” Magnus laughed. 

“Huh?” 

“Yeah. I think Vilde wanted them to meet tonight and she invited him to this party. But when he met with Chris, he was a total douchebag and Sana almost punched him.”

Isak frowned. 

“Douchebag how?” 

“I don’t know. I didn’t hear any of it, I just saw all the girls gang up on him and I thought it was so funny, bro. Only you were missing.”

.

Isak was drunk after two or three more drinks. That much he could make out. He was drunk and he was upset, which wasn’t always a very good combination. On good days, he was a happy bubbly drunk who told stories and rapped awfully. On nights like this one, Isak got fixated, irritated, and easily provoked. 

He looked for Chris and the girls but he couldn’t find them. He wondered why he cared so much. A few years prior, he wouldn’t have cared about anyone but Even and maybe Mutta, the rest of the group being self-sufficient most of the time. And now he had all these new friends to worry about. Isak was upset. 

Jonas was smoking a joint with some other guy by the front door when Isak found him. 

“What happened with Chris and the girls?” Jonas asked.

“I don’t know,” Isak shrugged. “I think they got into a fight. Vilde doing dumb shit as always.”

He then spotted them, a group of guys who looked older than any of them, even older than Mutta and Even. They were drinking outside and laughing while falling over themselves. Isak didn’t mean to eavesdrop but his interest peaked when he heard the word ‘Tinder’.

Then he heard the guy say it, “I think you should write  _ I’m fat  _ on your Tinder description if you’re fat, you know. Otherwise, you’re just being selfish. You sell this image of yourself to someone who spends time trying to get to know you online, and then you betray them when they see you in real life. Like what was she hoping would happen?”

“Erik, you’re such an asshole dude.”

“How am I an asshole?! I have preferences. That’s all. Some people like fat girls. I just don’t. Just like you don’t like tall girls. Same thing. If anything, I’m the victim here. I got fucking played into thinking I was meeting this amazing girl. when in reality she—”

Isak was not violent by nature. Or perhaps he was. He had started countless fights when he was younger, mostly for before he came out when people teased him about looking gay and about his parents being divorced, and after that when people had started rumors about Even’s bipolar.

Still, Isak didn’t revel in throwing punches like some people did. He almost exclusively used his fists when he was under the influence or blinded by rage. And in this case, he was both.

He lunged at the older guy with poison in his veins. But being drunk and seething, it didn’t take much for the guy to push him away. 

“Who the fuck are you? What’s your problem?!” the presumed Erik shouted. 

“How dare you, you ugly fuck!” Isak yelled as he tried to balance on his feet again. 

“Isak, dude. Calm down! What is this about?!” Jonas spoke behind him, using both arms to hold him back. 

“Listen kid. I already got shit about this earlier. I’m leaving, okay?” Erik lifted both arms, as if surrendering after understanding what Isak was so angry about.

“Apologize to her!” Isak bit through his teeth. “Apologize to her right now if you want to be able to make it home tonight!”

Erik snorted as if Isak was delirious. And perhaps he was. Isak had no idea why he took it to heart, but this Erik guy suddenly embodied every single person who had ever made him believe that he wasn’t enough. And he knew that it wasn’t fair. That this wasn’t about him. That somewhere in that house, Chris was nursing a wound in her heart that she did not deserve, that she did not want, that she absolutely had no business being exposed to. That Isak was using that wound to make himself feel better.  _ ‘The savior complex,’  _ Sana called it.

Then the dreaded moment happened, Isak got out of Jonas’ hold and lunged at the guy again. He got shoved against the pavement so hard that he swore he could see stars when his shoulder hit the protruded ground.  

“Isak!” Jonas yelled after him. 

There were more and more people outside now. Out of the corner of his eyes, Isak could see Sana shoving the guy and telling him to  _ fuck off.  _ She was strong, Sana. And Isak was stupid.

Even found him on the ground and called them a cab almost immediately when he saw his shoulder.

“Is it bad?” Isak asked with shame coloring his voice. He couldn’t believe he had just done that.

“Don’t move your arm,” Even replied with furrowed brows.

.

“I’m so fucking stupid,” Isak sighed on the hospital bed.

“Yes, you are. You take the cake this time,” Even shook his head, a frown deep between his brows. “What were you even thinking?!”

“I don’t know. Fuck!” Isak hit his head against the pillow.

Some medical intern examined his arm and assured them that it wasn’t broken. He got to go home with an arm brace and a shoulder sling. If anything, the embarrassment was the worst part of the whole ordeal. 

“Are you sure it’s not broken?” Even asked for the sixth time. 

“Yes,” the exasperated intern replied. He had bags under his eyes, his dark hair was mussed, and he looked like he needed a shower. Isak almost felt bad for making him work at such an obscene hour on a Friday night. “It’s just strain. And hopefully it shouldn’t take more than two weeks to heal.” 

“Is it in his joint? Like in his elbow?” 

“No. That’s a sprain. I got a strain. It’s different. It’s when the tearing occurs in the muscle or the tendon,” Isak explained calmly. He was still drunk and they wouldn’t give him painkillers unless he got an IV drip. Isak just wanted to be in his bed at this point.

“What the hell is a sprain then?” Even asked, puzzled.

“It’s a tear in the ligaments. It’s the tissue that connects bones around your joints,” Isak explained. “Right?” he turned to ask the intern.

“Yup,” the intern gave him a tired smile. “Med school?”

“No, biosciences,” Isak shrugged. 

“Do you take Ortho classes in the biosciences program?”   

“No. I read a lot,” Isak pouted. 

_ Why am I pouting? _

“He’s a nerd,” Even smiled. “And he does read a lot. Doesn't admit it often though.”

“Well, if he reads a lot then he probably knows he should go for that IV drip. The pain is gonna keep him up at night.” 

.

Isak went for the IV drip because Even threatened him with actually forcing him, then with  _ ‘keeping his dick away’  _ to which Isak replied with a pout and a “Not fair!”

They made it to Edvard’s around four in the morning after making a stop at Even’s house. He had once broken his arm, and his parents had gotten him a body pillow to help him sleep. Isak would have taken a picture of Even holding a body pillow above his shoulder in the middle of the street, if said Even wasn’t holding his hand while his other one lay restrained in an arm brace.

“Let go of my hand,” Isak whined eventually when the heat reached his face.

“And how am I gonna stop you from picking fights with older guys then?” Even laughed.

“You’re an idiot.”

“So are you.”

“Fine.”

Isak lay on the side that didn’t hurt and hugged the body pillow, his arm carefully placed on top of it while Even spooned him from behind, his arms twining around his waist, careful not to hurt him. 

“If you move in your sleep, I will scream and I will wake the whole house,” Isak warned, his head drowsy with the painkillers and the exhaustion. 

“I don’t think you’ll scream.”

“Excuse me?”

“I don’t think you want Edvard and Mikael finding me in your bed. You won’t scream,” Even laughed.

But Isak’s chest faltered because there was some kind of truth in Even’s banter, in Even’s jokes. He was keeping him at arm’s length. It was true. And Isak was tired.

“What was that fight about?” Even asked, his voice soft and gentle against the back of his neck. “Why are you so angry?”

Isak thought about Chris and realized that his little outburst probably only made things harder for her. He realized that more people were going to ask questions about what happened now. He realized that people were going to talk and speculate and feel bad for her. 

He thought about the night that guy he had met on his first week, Joakim, had made him feel like he was nothing, like he wasn’t a great guy, like he didn’t measure up to Even at all. He thought about everyone finding it out about that bartender hurting him and making him feel like he wasn’t enough. 

He thought about it, and he sighed in defeat. Chris was probably going to hate him for making everything about himself, about his ‘savior complex.’

Isak realized that the reason he enjoyed Chris’ company so much was because of how carefree she actually was, how it never seemed like an act. How she never put herself down, how she never had outbursts, how she never thought that she wasn’t good enough. How she was confident and smart and charming and amazing and how she refused to conform to society’s idea of how she should behave. Chris was pure and happy with who she was and everyone around her was trying to make her feel like she shouldn’t be happy, like she was only pretending while drowning in self-hatred inside. 

Isak hated himself for contributing to that.

“I think I’m a horrible person,” Isak blurted out instead of answering Even’s question. But there was no humor to it. It was heavy. It was a statement and Even knew it. “I think I’m overcompensating.” 

“That’s not true,” Even replied. “You’re wonderful.” 

_ Wonderful.  _

Even held him tighter, both of them lying on the side that didn’t hurt. And Isak thought that it was a  _ wonderful  _ metaphor for their relationship.  _ Leaning on the side that didn’t hurt.  _

It dawned on him that he only ever interacted with Even at the end of parties, never during, never early on. He kept his distances and Even let him. He never pressured him. He just stared at him from afar.

And when he needed him, Even was right there, taking care of him, calling him cabs, helping him walk, staying up at obscene hours while doctors tried to determine if his arm was broken, cuddling him, spooning him, kissing the back of his neck, just being there for him, silently, waiting. 

Isak started crying silently after Even kissed the back of his neck for the third time. His entire body simply curling in his embrace as if he had been wounded. He hoped Even wouldn’t notice, but of course he did. Even who just held him, no questions asked, as if he had been waiting for Isak to break. As if he had guessed that the reason Isak had been so adamant on refusing the IV drip and the painkillers was to justify his tears right now, how he simply needed to cry after a night of being a total idiot.

“It’s okay,” he heard him murmur behind him. “It’s okay, Isak.”

_ It isn’t. It’s not okay. I think you broke me. I think I was very brave for you and that I loved you with all my heart, and I think you broke me and my bravery when you took it for granted. _

“I think that next time you break my heart, I will have no one else to blame but myself,” Isak squeezed his eyes shut and let the words come out, let the truth that he kept hidden at all times pour out of him. “I think that’s it’s so awful when you’re awful to me, that I can’t enjoy it when you’re good to me.”

Isak wasn’t sure what he expected. Maybe for Even to walk away. Maybe for Even to refute every single word he had just said before storming off. Maybe for Even to turn him around. Maybe for Even to hurt him some more.

Even tightened his hold around his waist and pressed another kiss to the back of his neck instead. Isak knew that he was crying, too. He just knew it. 

“I don’t think I trust you to be tender with my heart anymore. That’s why I run out of hotel rooms and don’t pick up your calls and turn my head away after we kiss. It’s because I’m terrified. It’s because I think you will kill me next time you break me.” 

Perhaps it was because he knew that Even wouldn’t say a word. Perhaps it was the reason he had allowed himself this momentary blurt. A crack in his walls which were now higher than they had ever been. Probably higher than Even’s. Isak had worked so hard on breaking Even’s walls that he didn’t notice his own going up. 

Still, Even held him while Isak hugged the pillow, his hands gentle on his stomach despite the aching Isak suspected was roaming his chest. He couldn’t see him but he could feel him trying his best to will away the lump at his throat. He could feel the tension in his body. He could feel his silent tears on the back of his neck. He could feel him, all over and around him. 

Even gave him this, a moment in which he could be completely honest without repercussions, without push back, without fear. Even held him even though it hurt. And Isak knew it in his heart then, that Even loved him like he loved Even. Unconditionally, gently, passionately, and stupidly. The only way he knew how.

They slept.

.

In the morning, a note was carefully placed where Even had slept.

> **_I will never break your heart again. I will be tender with your heart like you’ve been with mine all these years. I will wait for stupid you to come back to stupid me. However long it takes._ **
> 
> **_Until then, let’s just take it chill <3._ **
> 
> **\- Even**

* * *

**Even ❤️**

**10:19**

****❤️**  
**

****❤️ **❤️****  
**

* * *

Isak realized that having his left arm restrained wasn’t fun. It could have been worse. He could have been forced to take his final exams with his left hand. Isak was counting his blessings. But still, even mundane tasks were now requiring help. Isak felt a new sense of compassion towards Edvard who had laughed when Isak told him he fell on the pavement.

“That temper of yours. I’m telling you,” Edvard shook his hand on his couch while Helga chastised him for being reckless.

“I’m working on it, okay?” Isak frowned. “I’m gonna work on my temper. Sigve gave me some meditation links online. Just wait and see.”

Edvard only laughed harder and Isak couldn’t help but laugh, too.

“I’m serious!” he whined.

“I’m sorry to inform you that it won’t work,” Edvard cackled, remote in hand. “I think you’re going to remain insufferable for a long long time.”

“Excuse me?” Isak scoffed, still laughing, too. 

“They say that it’s hard to change your personality after a certain age,” Edvard shrugged. 

“What about you? Were you always this extra, Edvard?” 

“As a matter of fact, yes.” 

“Right,” Isak rolled his eyes, before propping himself on his feet. 

“Where are you going?” Helga frowned. 

“I have to go see a friend.” 

.

Chris and Vilde were waiting for him at KB. Chris was wearing a denim jacket and her hair was in its usual updo while Vilde wore a yellow dress and a flower in her hair. Isak couldn’t understand how they were okay after what Vilde did. He had just started wondering if female friendships worked differently when Vilde excused herself to go order.

“Look at you. How are you even leaving the house looking like this? Aren’t you embarrassed?” Chris snorted as she took him in.

“You should see the other guy,” Isak laughed nervously.

“I saw him. He looked fine to me.”

_ The other guy. _

It was awkward. Isak had asked her to meet up but he hadn’t expected that she would bring Vilde along. He wasn’t even sure what he wanted to say. 

“You seem nervous,” Chris observed.

“I am.”

“Really? Isak Valtersen nervous talking to me?” she laughed.

“Don’t put yourself down.”

“Why not?”

“It’s not like you.”

Chris pressed her lips together, her eyes going down to her own fingers. She was nervous.

“Isak. I know why you punched that guy and I need you to never do that again,” she said in very neutral tone as if she had rehearsed it.

“Because I’ll get beat up?”

“Because it’s useless and it only makes everyone involved feel like shit,” she replied, finally meeting his eyes.

“But he was a fucking asshole!” 

“Why? Because he judged me based on my looks? Then you might want to punch yourself, too. And Jonas, and Magnus, and Mahdi, and Vilde, and everyone else while you’re at it.” 

Isak’s eyes widened, his mouth falling slightly open. Chris was angry and it was the first time he had seen her show emotion. 

“Chris, I never-”

“Listen, Isak. You’re a nice guy. You don’t know it, but you are. You have a heart so big, you don’t even know how to use it,” she said. “But I’m my own person, too. I’m not some minor character to advance your character development, Isak. I won’t let my struggles and my shit be a plot point in the advancement of your story. I won’t let it happen.”

“Chris-”

“I’ve dealt with this shit my whole life. People telling me that I need to change, that I need to look more like my friends, that I need to start caring about my health as if I don’t. All this crazy crap in the media is selling all these myths to people like you and me and Vilde about how we should be and how we should treat our bodies. But it’s all false, you know? Because I am healthy. I’m healthier than Vilde who has driven herself into an eating disorder to look like Noora. I’m healthier than most of you, I promise you. My metabolism might be shit but it doesn’t mean I’m neglecting myself. People just see what they want to see. But I don’t care. I really like myself, Isak. I’m not pretending to. I really love my life. And I know that I don’t look like my friends and like the rest of the girls. But isn’t that boring anyways?”

Vilde waved at them to ask about whether they wanted room for milk in their coffee and Chris answered for both of them. 

“And I know that it’s easy to judge Vilde but if you care about me at all, you’ll stop being a dick to her. She was trying to do something nice for me. I never asked her to, and it backfired, and the girls gave her a lot of shit for it. But nobody’s perfect. She’s trying her best and she’s my best friend. So I’d really appreciate it if you could be nice to her as well. She’s having a hard time at home and even one remark on her dress would make her day. She’s simple and sweet like that.”

Isak sat there, staring at Chris and wondering why everyone lectured him in this particular KB, why he always put his foot in his mouth in this particular KB. He remembered Sigve’s speech and now Chris’. 

Everybody seemed to possess more perceptive abilities than him. Everybody seemed to care about more people than just themselves. Chris had just gone through an unpleasant experience but all she cared about was that everyone cut Vilde some slack. 

“I’m sorry,” Isak blurted out, feeling his heart pounding hard in his chest. “For everything. If I ever did anything to make you feel-”

“It’s okay, Isak. You don’t have to be. You weren’t that bad.” She smiled and Isak felt intimidated. She was powerful, Chris. He could see why Mutta was having trouble approaching her. She was intimidating and strong.

Vilde came back with drinks and smiles and her usual nervousness, and Isak felt himself relax. They talked about his birthday and about whether he was going to throw a party. And he admitted that he hadn’t even thought about it. 

Isak promised he wouldn’t spread rumors about that Erik guy having a small penis, and they all parted at the door with hugs and laughter. 

He had almost turned around when he remembered.

“Hey Vilde,” he called after them. 

“Hm?”

“You look very pretty in this dress.” 

He watched her blush and he watched Chris smile. And it felt good to do something for someone else. It felt good and it didn’t hurt that Vilde actually did look pretty in her dress.

.

* * *

**Even ❤️**

**15:19**

what happened to keeping it chill?

i felt attacked when i came to see at work okay?

it's my right to express my dissatisfaction with the service

why are you like this

isak wtfff

i'm at woRK

you're literally the only person i can send this to

i can't stop laughing

what is this

HAHAHA

idk i saw it on instagram

are you trying to tell me something?

shut up

:p

* * *

“Hey Mutta,” Isak nudged him while he helped him wash his hair in the sink.

“What?” Mutta retorted, his brows furrowed in concentration as he did his best to not get any shampoo in Isak’s eyes. 

“You look good in this t-shirt.” 

They laughed, at first because of Mutta’s reaction—genuine shock as if no one had bothered to tell him that he looked good, right now or otherwise—then because he actually managed to get shampoo in Isak’s eyes. It hurt but it also felt good. 

Isak took a mental note to always compliment his friends when he thought that they looked good or that they said something smart. Because small words sometimes meant the world. 

.

“You let Mutta wash your hair,” Even pouted, seemingly unaware of what he did to Isak when he pouted. Isak couldn’t decide if his lips weren’t meant for pouting or if they were. 

“You were working,” Isak shrugged, parting his legs absently where he was perched on a stool in Edvard’s kitchen. 

“You could have waited until I was done.”

“But it was itchy,” Isak pouted this time around. 

Even nudged him with his shoulder and Isak pretended to wince. 

“It’s your other shoulder,” Even rolled his eyes. 

“But still. You should be gentle with me.”

Even made his way between his open legs and settled there, both hands on Isak’s sides, his touch tender. They were both grinning.

“Gentle like this?” he raised his eyebrows.

“Mikael is in the house,” said Isak.

“He’s in his room,” Even smiled, sliding his hands up and down Isak’s back now.  

“He could come out of his room.”

“I made sure he wouldn’t.”

“Even, what did you do to Mikael?!” Isak scoffed in feigned shock, his free arm twining around Even’s neck while his legs dangled around him. 

“I bribed him.” 

“Bribed him how?” Isak smiled, tilting his chin up to tease him some more. Or maybe Even was the one doing the teasing. Isak couldn’t be sure. 

Even had barely pressed a kiss to his neck before the front door came flying open, forcing them apart as Isak all but shoved Even away. 

It was Edvard. He was in his wheelchair and an old man was pushing it while Helga held groceries behind the two of them. 

They hadn’t even kissed, but  _ fucking  _ Even still made sure to wipe his mouth with the back of his hand and Isak hated him. 

“Oh, this is perfect!” Edvard cheered and Isak had to take in his own appearance to make sure that he didn’t look inadequate. 

He was in his Simpson’s white t-shirt and sweats. And Even was in jeans and a grey shirt. 

“What did you do? What is this?” Edvard’s friend asked him with exasperation in his tone and Isak had to climb down from his stool to introduce himself.

“Uh, hello I’m Isak,” he said, extending his right hand. “And this is my friend, Even.” 

Edvard snorted behind them while the other man shook his hand with squinted eyes. 

“Nice to meet you, I’m Even.” Even extended his hand as well, only he was greeted by a smile from the old man.

“Isak, Even, this is my old friend Ivar. Ivar, Isak has been living in my house for a while now,” Edvard explained before ushering Helga to push him towards the living room. 

_ Ivar.  _

Isak couldn’t help but feel judged under Ivar’s intense stare.  _ What the fuck. _

“So have you been staying here for free or do you actually do things around the house?” said Ivar.

“Ivar!” Edvard sighed. “Leave the kid alone. Come help me and Helga unpack this.”

Isak pulled Even into his room then closed the door behind him.

“What the fuck was that?” Isak frowned.

“Edvard has a friend!” Even smiled big and wide and Isak wanted to punch him for being so cheerful and adorable and dumb.

“I don’t think he likes me.”

“Isak, you spoke maybe two words to each other.”

“I think he thinks I’m leeching off of Edvard.” 

“Oh, shut up.”

.

Mutta and Adam came over and they all watched ‘Friends With Benefits’. It was apparently Mutta’s idea and Isak hated him. The movie wasn’t as bad as Isak thought it would be. It was full of cliches and absurd things, such as Mila Kunis wondering if Justin Timberlake thought she was objectively attractive. But Isak found himself laughing at many bits. 

At one point, the two main characters were watching a romantic comedy on the couch, and Isak realized that Even and he were seated in the exact same position, also drinking beer. They were friends with benefits watching two characters in a romantic comedy watch two other characters in a romantic comedy. He snorted. 

Even nudged him and Isak nudged him. 

“They’re so fucking stupid,” Isak declared halfway through the movie when the main characters became exasperating in denying their feelings for each other. 

“I know right,” Even laughed. 

They drank some more and Isak hadn’t even noticed Ivar joining them towards the end of the movie. He looked old, probably as old as Edvard but healthier. He could still walk and sit without much assistance. 

The movie ended and the boys tried to play some Fifa when Ivar informed them that Edvard was sleeping and that they should probably head back home. 

Isak decided that he didn’t like Ivar. Edvard never kicked his friends out. 

“You can stay,” he told Even who just flushed at the attention. 

Isak bumped into Ivar in the kitchen later that night, wondering why he wasn’t staying in some hotel, and why he was here so late at night. And the words just came flying out of his mouth.

“I’m not leeching off of Edvard,” he frowned.

Ivar laughed and Isak realized it was his first time seeing him laugh.

“I knew you’d think I think that,” Ivar offered him a smile.

“I promise you that I’m not,” Isak insisted. “You don’t have to stay here to make sure I’m not a swindler or something. I watched those documentaries. I know some people are awful and steal old people’s money. But I’m not. I’ve been with Edvard for almost a year now.”

Ivar laughed again, this time making him clench his fists. He had no idea why he was driving him up the wall. He was just another old man after all. 

“I don’t think you’re using poor old Edvard, Isak,” Ivar smiled again, this time with his glass of milk in his hand.

“Then why are you here?” 

“Because he is dying, Isak. I’m here because he’s dying.”

.

“What’s up with your face?” Even asked as soon as Isak made it back to the room, his face probably white, his hands in fists. 

Isak wasted no time climbing into bed and nuzzling into Even’s side who was on his back. He curled his arm around Even’s waist and buried his face in the crook of his neck, his arm brace lying on top of Even’s chest.

“Isak?” he asked in a worried voice beneath him.

“Hold me, please,” Isak almost whimpered. 

“What’s wrong, babe?” 

“I don’t like that Ivar, dude. He just scared the fuck out of me,” Isak whined into Even’s neck.  

“What? What did he say? Did he say something about you staying with Edvard?” 

“No. He-” 

“What did he say?” 

Isak was about to tell him what Ivar had said. He was about to tell Even that Edvard wasn’t doing well, that his doctors weren’t confident he had very long left to live, and that he should be moved to an Old People’s home. He was about to tell Even and share his fear and anguish with him. He was about to tell him and drown in him and let him soak up his fear and his anguish so that he could sleep at night. He was about to tell him.

But he thought about how Edvard had single handedly convinced Even to give himself a shot, about how he had been there for Even in ways no one else had been able to. He thought about how much Edvard meant to Even, about how Even had found a random wedding in the other end of the country just so that he could make Edvard happy, about how Edvard always brought so much joy to his heart. 

And Isak felt his chest falter. He felt himself wither a bit inside. 

_ Doing something for others.  _ Isak wasn’t sure how to, but he was willing to start trying.

Edvard represented hope and he wasn’t going to take that away from Even. Not right now. Not like this.

“Isak?”

“Nothing. He just said something about me not touching the cereals he just bought,” Isak did his best to smile, the heaviness of the lie weighing on him. 

And Even laughed. He laughed that beautiful bright laugh that never failed to reverberate through Isak. And Isak held onto it, that laughter, that light. He held onto it tight, with all his might, with all his heart. He held onto that sound and to that feeling, committing to memory just in case there came a day in which he didn’t get to hear it and feel it anymore. Even laughing beneath him, holding him right back. 

“That funny, huh?” Isak laughed, using his free arm to sit up on the bed. 

“I don’t know why, but I think Ivar reminds me of you.”

“What the fuck? He’s a total dick.”

“He’s nice to me though,” Even smiled, using his arms to sit up on the bed as well. 

“And I am?” Isak asked, awkwardly shuffling on the bed until his back was against the wall while Even did the same so that he could face him.

“You have your moments.” Even raised his eyebrows and smiled. 

“Is that so?” Isak giggled, twining his good arm around Even’s neck, their optimal position these days. "Moments? Like what?"

Even pulled him closer by the waist, his fingertips riding up his shirt to pad and touch. Isak couldn't help but wince. They were cold, his fingers, but they felt so good.

"I can recall a very special moment in which you were especially nice to me," Even smiled. "It filled me with so much joy. I felt like we bonded spiritually at that moment."

"Yeah?" Isak burst into laughter. "Who would have known? This whole time we've been tiptoeing around each other when we could have just bonded over the joys of ass eating." 

"Isak!" Even choked. "I meant- I meant when we. When you held my hand earlier! Oh my god!"  

Isak laughed, throwing his head backwards until it hit the wall with a soft thud, prompting Even to bring a hand to cradle it. 

"Ugh, be careful. You keep breaking everywhere."

"Good thing I have you to put me back together," Isak smiled. 

And it occurred to him that he had probably never been this happy with Even, in this bed. It didn't even matter that his arm was still hurting and that he had to keep the brace on for two more days. It didn't even matter. 

And perhaps his heart was still sore around its more obscure chambers. Perhaps his heart still pinched when Even looked at him as though he really was the reason the sky was so blue. Perhaps his heart still feared he would one day wake up in his bed alone with no sun to drench his sheets and no arms to cling to his flesh and make him feel safe. Perhaps Isak still feared that Even would have a change of heart and break him. 

But life was right now. And right now was pretty chill.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *runs*  
> first of all, i just want to start by saying that I was upset by a comment that accused me of making Isak's character 'an asshole' who 'laughs at Chris' and Even someone who 'fucks anyone with a pulse'. this is POV. the story is not complete. it's layered. bit by bit. everything is LinkedIn. these characters are not perfect and i'm guessing that you aren't either. 
> 
> *i debated before incorporating Chris' bit because I knew i'd get backlash. the bits i threw in there last chapter were to kind of warrant isak's reaction in this chapter. we write to share stories. i've always wanted to explore Chris' character because i think she has SO MUCH potential. i always hesitated, however, because i never wanted to seem like i'm exploiting her character to advance isak's development. her words were mine mixed with Ina's. I watched an interview where she talked about how people's derogatory comments got to her after SKAM because they didn't realize that Chris and herself shared a body. i thought that message was so strong that i wanted to pay tribute to it somehow. and before you assume that i'm 'a skinny bitch' (thanks anon for that haha), I am not. I know what it's like to have friends who are tall and skinny and perfect and to be anything but that.  
> .  
> it took me some time to write the 'bed scene'. the first pass was a disaster. it made me cry. i had to delete half of it lol. so you get this.  
> Isak is scared. he's so scared. Even has been having this inner battle for SO long, kissing Isak then dismissing him then wanting him then letting him go then wanting him again, that he's absolutely terrified of letting go. this is partly thanks to his time away in Denmark, he's built a sense of self-preservation, whereas before he would have just thrown himself into Even's arms the first chance he got and developed a sense of anxiety and doubt.
> 
> he starts out completely shut off but he warms up to Even. and Even waits. he's patient. he understands. he's waiting for him to open up to him and learn to trust him as a lover. not as a friend. but as a lover. their banter is still there. they're still friends. they're just learning how to trust each other and love each other again. next chapter, Isak lets him in. if you know what i mean. 
> 
> hope you enjoyed this update. it drained me. let me know if you felt something, anything. i love you. your comments and kudos make my day <33333 thank you thank you thank you for keeping me around  
> .  
> EDVARD AND IVAR.  
> bye <3


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